Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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9:01 pm
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hello..
ive been posting a lot lately..thats rather odd for me...
anyway..i went to the other painting class today...it starts at 6:45pm...(did i mention that im now going to have more than 12 hour days on wednesdays? yeah..buckets-o-fun)
the other painting teacher (a woman) seems SO much more throrough..im really excited about her class...shes really nice..but more importantly..i really think she knows what shes talking about and i think i can really trust her advice...wheras..with my other teacher..i sometimes wondered how long he'd been teaching because of his not-so-teacherly behavior and the fact that he basically teaches the class like a football coach (always putting you down..thinking that the more critical and negative he is..the more youll want to improve...but..that doesnt work for me..i need at least SOME positive feedback..even if theres more negative than positive) this teacher seems SO much more organized..she already knows what all the assignments are (including the final) and the sizes of the canvases and everything...with my other teacher..i never knew what we were doing from week to week...so yeah..im much happier about my whole painting class situation...
ive actually been in an ok mood most of the day..although i slept a lot of my day away since i didnt go to my normal painting class...i think i needed the sleep though..im just absolutely exhausted emotionally...and i think im actually feeling up to spending the night on my side of campus tonight (ive had to spend the night with josh the last couple nights because the second i was alone in my dorm room with nothing to do..i started crying and couldnt stop) but here i am..alone in my dorm room doing nothing and i feel semi-ok...im still not happy to be here..but i think i might be able to survive..
im sure my moods are going to be like a rollercoaster for the next couple weeks..but im just going to try and bear with it..i just need to see how i feel once i get to spring break...if i can keep myself organized that will help a lot..but im so bad about that..
anyway..i better go shower and get to bed..must be up by 7 tomorrow morning! (yuck)..
current mood:  okay
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10:37 am
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well...here i am..sitting in joshs dorm room in cleveland, ohio...
ive been really upset the past couple days about being back here...i really dont want to go to any of my classes...i want to curl up and just sleep the rest of the year away..im not going to my class today..its painting with the teacher i dont like...i went in for a couple minutes and got him to sign the form stating that im switching classes..it sucked..i felt stupid and guilty...when he walked in i said "hey..i need to talk to you" and he yelled "you ALWAYS need to talk to me!" i know hes just kidding when he says stuff like that...but its that stuff that makes me feel like he really meant it when he told me im annoying...i dont think he likes me very much..but i dont know..i just cant tell if hes kidding or not..i know hes "supposedly" kidding..but it could be like...he pretends hes kidding..but kinda half means it anyway...i dont know..im paranoid...
my mom called last night and without any warning to her or myself..i broke down and started crying over the phone to her about how homesick i feel...one of those really bad crying fits where you cant talk because you keep stuttering and stuff...i felt kinda stupid..but at least emily wasnt in the room...my mom just keeps reminding me that im not in prison..and that i can go anywhere i want...but i still feel like it would disappoint everyone if i switched schools..theyve spent so much money on this school...we'd have to go through the whole application process all over again...but more than that...theres no way i could leave josh...last year was horrible without him...either way im screwed...if i did transfer though..it wouldnt really matter anyway..because there arent any art schools in texas...i could always go to seattle and at least be more comfortable and know people there and have some family there (even if they arent the family that im really missing right now)...i dont know..i simply cant leave if josh is here...
if he made it in music before he got out of school...id leave here and go to LA with him (to art school there) or to seattle (cornish school of arts)...
also...my mom might be moving to LA...she got a big job offer there that would pay her more money than she was getting before (not like CRAZY money..but i think pretty damn good money) the only thing is...its LA..and my dad and mark are in texas...my mom said shes thinking about moving..and letting mark stay in texas with dad..and then just visiting often...i think that would be ok...i dont know about kent though..i dont think he really wants to go to LA...his argument is that the traffic is bad and everyones always on the go...and the air pollution is bad..but i think those arguments dont make sense..because he lived in seattle (some of the WORST traffic in the country) and dallas also has bad traffic and air pollution..and LA has gotten a lot better with pollution since he lived there...AND theyd probably live really really close to the beach...and the air is clean on the beach...but my mom said they would only be able to afford a really shitty little house because housing is SO expensive...she said a 7000 square foot house with a two car garage that has a view of the beach costs 750,000...thats INSANE...my dads apartment in seattle might have been bigger than that..hehe...anyway..i think my mom is going to work for this company long distance for 3 months to try it out before she makes a decision...so she'll be flying back and forth from dallas to LA until the end of the school year...
anyway..i dont know what else to say..i feel like i have so much i need to vent..but im just so confused and lost..i dont even really know how to form my thoughts into words...at least i havent gotten so upset yet today that ive cried...maybe things will calm down after a week or two...
current mood:  confused
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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
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12:31 am
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i dont really know what to say..but im upset..and have nobody to talk to at the moment..and i need SOME kind of outlet..so i guess ill write in here even though it seems that all my entries have become really just one entry repeated over and over again with extremely slight variations to each post..
i go back to cleveland tomorrow...
i dont want to.
i cant even describe in words the hell i go through being away from my family. it makes me feel dead inside. i hate cleveland. i hate college.
ive realized that i really have issues with my painting teacher...hes one of the main reasons that i dont want to go back...he makes me feel stupid..and embarrassed...and insecure...he makes me feel like a stupid emotional little girl...i need to get out of his class..but i dont know if its worth the trouble..it might just make me feel worse...because ill be proving to him and myself and everyone else that i really am a whiney little baby who is too sensitive and insecure to take criticism...even though i know its gone beyond constructive criticism once...that one event is really the only reason id leave the class..i just cant get over it...im afraid to talk to someone about getting out of the class because i know ill have to confront my teacher..and im afraid he'll act like im making it bigger than it was..or he'll just somehow make me feel even more stupid for being upset over it..or even worse..he will have completely forgotten what happened which will make me look even more like im making a big deal out of nothing...
i fucking hate the dorms...i hate being stuck around people who i dont even know...i hate how uncomfortable i always am..how insecure and paranoid i am...i hate how out of control i feel...and how my anxiety gets so bad that i can hardly function normally...i hate having to get up early..to go to 6 hour classes that really only need to be half that long...i hate that i dont have any animals around me...most people love college because it gives them freedom...i feel more isolated than ive ever felt in my whole life...
i hate the shitty counselors there..and i hate that i feel like none of the staff give a damn..even though i cant really judge..because ive been too scared to reach out to anyone for help...
i hate how ugly cleveland is..
i feel so scared and alone when im at school...
going back after christmas break is even worse than going there the first time..because now i know what i have to look forward to..and i dont like it...at least last time there was more hope...more possibility...
i miss josh...hes already on his way up there..i wish i could just curl up in his room with him all the time and never have to do anything or be anywhere else..hes my only comfort...
i just hope this semester goes by fast...and next year is better than this year...because i dont think i can take 4 more years of this after this year...
current mood:  crushed
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Friday, December 26th, 2003
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10:20 pm - its been a while...
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well..im in texas again..feeling kinda down lately..dont really want to go back to school..but know i wouldnt be happy staying here either..so i feel kinda trapped..
christmas was good...i got a lot of little things..my grandma made me a scarf that is really awesome and looks like it came from a store..i didnt even know she did stuff like that...and i got quite a bit of money..which was really needed...i got some jewelry and movies and cds...and josh spent christmas with us which made me really happy...
im teaching art lessons while im home..just to one student...and i was supposed to work at the frame shop..but i havent been aggressive enough to actually get some hours yet...
i got to see heather which was nice..and ive been paying a lot of attention to my animals...and spending all my time with my family...i didnt even get out of my pajamas today for the first time in months...i just sat on my ass and watched tv all day...it was ok..but i feel like a slacker now...
my anxiety level has reached a new all time high...
my livejournal is being really lame lately and i have to refresh and go backward and then forward a couple times usually to get my current friends' entries to show..and sometimes..when i get down to a certain spot on my friends page i just get kicked offline at random..and when i sign back online and get there again..it does it again..and then i get really mad...yeah...and now im going to do a really long survey from jess's journal..
( Read more... )
current mood:  anxious
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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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11:03 pm
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sometimes i feel like no matter what i do..ill always be discontent..
i try so hard to make the right decisions..but they always seem to make me want to be back where i was before i made that decision...
i feel so stuck in my life right now...
im horribly homesick..i miss my dad so much..and i feel guilty because i think about him more than my mom and i hate myself for it...although i really really miss my mom too...i miss my cats and my dog...i miss the familiarity of my homes...here theres no familiarity..only cold..and insecurity...and confusion...
im seeing a therapist..but its almost making me more depressed than before i started seeing her because i dont think she'll be able to help me..this makes me upset for two reasons..firstly..it makes me worry that ill never be able to fix myself...secondly..it probably means i should try and find a different therapist..but this problem creates more problems..such as...id feel guilty for getting a new one (i know this is ridiculous..shut up) and im truly too unmotivated and exhausted to even bother trying to find someone who i actually like..and i feel like it would be quite impossible anyway..seeing as it is unlikely that ill like any of the other university counselors...and i have no way of getting to or affording another counselor...
maybe this therapist will surprise me...
i feel disconnected with the friends ive made (the FEW friends ive made)..i feel like ive gotten as close to them as i am capable...and it cant go any further..this depresses me to no end..because im not very close at all to any of them...
i have so much work to do this week..i have two major papers both due on wednesday and i havent started either of them and i havent even read the novel that one of them is to be written on..
josh is asleep and id really like to be able to talk to him but he has a headache so i dont want to wake him up and plus..im so whiney lately im starting to feel guilty when i talk to him about how i feel...
im so repetitive..i know the last couple journal entries have been like this..i guess its because the only time i need to vent is when i feel like this...
im starting to feel like i used to when i was depressed in highschool...i cant stand it...
i need something but i dont know what...im so sick of feeling like this..ive spent the last 6 years feeling like this....i was feeling better..what the fuck happened? i thought i was making the right choice...and i need to be here..i guess thats what it is..i didnt have a choice...i need to be with josh and i need to get an education in art and there is no way i can have either of those things and be in texas with my family..its so hopelessly depressing i can only stand to think about it at random times like this when i accidentally let my guard down..but im sure tomorrow ill be back in denial or at least partial ignorance of the fact that im lost and confused and alone...and that im never going to live with my family again..ill never have my cats and my puppy again..and ill never have my bedrooms or my houses or my car...
why cant i ever just be content?
current mood: crushed
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Thursday, October 30th, 2003
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4:09 pm
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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2:41 pm - yes..it IS a miracle...i am actually UPDATING.
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so....
i literally have not had time to update in weeks...i have not had more than 5 minutes at a time where i could just sit there and do whatever i want without putting something else off (hah..maybe not even five minutes)...im completely overwhelmed by the workload here..i have homework everynight..and it is a common occurance for me to stay up working until 3 in the morning the night before my projects are due...i dont get to sleep any earlier than 12:30 on almost every weeknight simply because i have work to do...(and the latest i can sleep in is 8:30..i would really like to be going to bed around 10:30 everynight)
i went to las vegas last weekend for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary...i got to see my mom and kent and mark (and grandma/grandpa and aunt/uncle/cousin..but i didnt care about them as much) before i left for the trip i was feeling completely stressed out..i was constantly on the verge of tears because i feel like im just stretched so thin lately...its taking every ounce of self control to keep myself from going insane...so then i went to vegas..i cried when i saw my mom...it was a whirlwind trip and very emotionally draining for me..and now that im back...i feel just like i did when i first got up here..im completely homesick and unstable...but now its even worse because i have the full work load to deal with (which i didnt have to deal with right at the beginning of the year)...i passed my "productive" point in stress level over a month ago..now i feel completely paralized...but i keep doing my work because i cant let myself fail...and i wont let myself..but i might have a heart attack by the time im 20..haha..
things with josh are good...nothing new..hes really the only thing up here that is keeping me going at all...
my roommate and i get along well..and i have made some friends..there is one person who i seem to click with best..we'll see where that goes..i mean..im not REALLY close to anyone yet because its only been a couple months...which makes me really lonely..and miss my family even more..when im feeling depressed..i dont have anyone to run to and make me feel better...thats what my family used to do...
i feel like my art sucks really really bad lately...i hate almost all of it..and im doing really bad in drawing which makes me sick to my stomach because thats what i wanted to major in...im horribly jealous of all the students around me who are better than i am...
i got my grades back and theyre good..but im still not happy with my art..
one cool thing though..my painting teacher puts up the best work in the class on the walls in the hall...he put three of mine up (3 out of a series of 4...painting is my best studio class btw) thats not anything amazing though...he put at least 10 other peoples stuff up too..and he usually puts at least one of mine up...but i came to class on tuesday this week..and he gave me a post-it note and told me someone left it on one of my paintings in the hall...basically it was from someone who is interested in buying my painting..they left their name and number for me..i called them yesterday..but they havent called back..we'll see where that goes...(btw..my painting is not even close to being the best one up there..they must have just liked it for personal reasons or the colors or something)
i thought i failed my art history mid-term..i did SO badly on it...but i actually got a B on it...i think my teacher is a really easy grader and i dont feel like i deserve the grade..i would have failed myself if i were the teacher..i guess the class must have just done really badly in general..it was a big deal when all this happened..but its been a couple weeks now so im kinda over that rollercoaster...
i think im probably going to see a counselor up here..i really feel incredibly insecure and alone and depressed..i should get help before it becomes severe again..i tried calling the counseling center the other day..but i got an answering machine..id call them now..but my roommate is here..and id feel weird calling..i hate not having any privacy...
i am going to be sally from nightmare before christmas for halloween..its going to be awesome..im really excited about it (and yet i still havent started the costume even though i have actually had time to work on it yesterday and today..thats a bad sign..im excited about it...but im still unmotivated to work on it......oh well) i got a black gap v-neck short sleeved t-shirt dress from a thrift store...i also bought fabric..im going to cut up the fabric and fabric glue it to the dress (itd be rediculous to actually sew a dress in little pieces like that) i bought a black fabric marker to draw stitches inbetween each piece of fabric...i also got white stockings that im going to use the fabric marker to draw stitches on..i got red hair die (ill do that the night before) and i got white body paint and a black body paint crayon to make myself pale and draw stitches on my body..and then ill wear some makeup and heels and ill be set...itll be really cool..if i get off my ass and do it...
i think im going home for thanksgiving..i cant wait..i miss my dad so badly..im really glad i got to see my mom and kent and mark..but i already miss them too..and i miss my cats so badly that when i talk to my mom on the phone and hear them meowing in the background i can hardly stand it..one time it actually made me cry...
anyway..i cant really think of anything else to say and ive said a lot already....so im going to end this..ill write more when i have time probably..
current mood: gloomy
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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7:50 pm
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well..here i am...sitting in my dorm room...bored..tired..lonely..rather depressed...
at first i felt like i was one of the better artists in most of my classes..but lately..my work has been some of the worst in the class..i feel like i suck so bad..and im so overwhelmed..there is so much work..and its usually really boring/tedious and not very enjoyable..im just frustrated and confused...i think i should go to a counselor here..but i dont know..im almost too lazy to even do that...that scares me..because it almost proves to me that im becoming depressed again...which is beyond disappointing..ive been feeling so good for months..and now...this...
i just feel really lost..and just blah..life feels empty here..i miss my family..the only reason i dont spend hours and hours crying and feeling sorry for myself is because i dont have time...
there are some good things..ive made some friends that i like..although they arent the kind of people i expected to be friends with..and i do like spending time with josh...but i havent been able to see him much lately and i miss him so badly its driving me crazy..
i just feel so out of control...and so alone in it..i kind of feel like im on the verge of insanity...or at least a temporary nervous breakdown...
i just cant figure out myself..or my surroundings..or my feelings...or anything...
im so overwhelmed i just dont want to deal with anything..i dont want to do anything..i want to just slowly fade away and disappear...
my mood is constantly going up and down...lately more down than up..
i have way too much on my mind..and i have no idea how to even begin to solve any of the problems that i am constantly turning over and over in my head...hell..i cant even write sentences that make much sense..and i dont really feel like writing anymore..its too much effort and its not going to solve anything..
ugh.
current mood: chaotic
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
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10:48 am
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| The Potion Maker |
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Sunday, September 14th, 2003
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12:21 pm - update.
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well..here i am in cleveland..
time is going by extremely fast for me up here..which is probably a good thing..
the first week was really hard..but now im doing a little better..i still have my moments..but im ok for the most part...
ill tell you guys a little about what the schools like..in case youre curious (i dont even know who reads this regularly anymore..especially since i havent written in a while) i have 3 studio classes and 2 acedemic classes...ill start with acedemic...i have art history and second year literature (thanx to ms. whitakers class my senior year;) both on monday and wednesday..i hate art history..its boring and im having a very hard time retaining the information and for these reasons im bitter and frustrated about the class and also therefore dont really like the teacher...oh well....literature is cool..my teacher is really eccentric..shes cool..and so far the only homework we have is reading assignments and they are at least more interesting than the art history reading assignments...the other cool thing about that class is that the midterm is a take-home open book test..hehehe..thats so cool...anyway...my studio classes are of course the best..because they are the art classes..i have them on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday...i have no class on friday...(but starting in october ill have design lab in the mornings on fridays and its basically a shop class..teaching you how to use powertools without cutting off your fingers) anyway..tuesday i have painting...the class goes from 9:30-3:30 (we have an hour lunch break at noon) painting is kind of frustrating for me..but thats ok..weve been working with grayscale watercolor the whole time so far..soon we'll use a limited watercolor palette..and then move to acrylics..on wednesday i have design...11-5..(hour break at 1:30)this class is a little boring..and last week a sculpture was due and mine failed miserably (i brought it to class in pieces) i really tried so hard to make it work..but i just couldnt get it..the teacher was really nice about it..and i got some ideas on how to fix it..and i have to bring it in this wednesday fixed along with the regular assignment for this week...and then thursday i have drawing..(9:30-3:30 again) it is my favorite class (no surprise to me) the teacher is awesome..she reminds me of a grandma..shes really nice and is very constructive with her criticism...she reminds me of ms wilson..but a better teacher and probably a better artist too (although i havent seen her work)..so yeah..those are my classes..wednesday is my really long day..because i have acedemics from 8-10:45 in the morning..then i have design from 11-5...and a late lunch..so im always starving by the time lunch rolls around..but its ok...
my roommate is pretty cool..i dont think we'll be close friends..but we get along well..she is very sheltered..but shes very intelligent so shes not very naive...
josh and i spend a lot of time together even though he lives on the opposite side of campus from me..i walk to see him almost everyday..and spend the night with him on my three day weekends...nothing major going on in the relationship right now...everything is pretty calm (knock on wood)
my dad is going to come up and visit me sometime before thanksgiving..we dont know when yet..but thatll be really cool..and im going to las vegas for my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary in mid october..so ill get to see everyone except my dad then...
anyway..i dont really know what else to say right now and im kinda sick of typing..so i guess ill write more later...
linda
current mood: bored
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
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1:14 am
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i feel so completely horrible..
im leaving tomorrow..ive been trying to deny it all summer..and im still trying..but its really hard when all your clothes are packed in boxes in the living room...
it hurts so badly..how am i going to live without my family around? i dont know if i can bear this pain...i love josh so much..and im so happy we'll be together..i just hope this horrible emptiness will go away soon after i get up there..because right now i feel like im going to die..and i havent even left yet...
im so scared..and im so afraid that josh wont be able to handle me while im up there..im so afraid he'll be too busy to take care of me when im upset the first couple weeks...
part of me wants to give in and just cancel everything and stay home..but i know i cant do that..and i know i really dont want to either..im just so scared..and im so unbelieveably attached to my family..i cant even think of my dad or mom's faces without bursting into tears..it hurts so badly..i cant even put it into words...
i wish josh was here to hold me and tell me that everything will be ok...
current mood:  indescribable
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
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9:46 pm - haha..hello..i am linda the dork
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lam and rice: doh well if you get a hold of him can you tell him to call me?
LovelyLinda2: sure
lam and rice: ok thanks
LovelyLinda2: if you get ahold of him..will you tell him to call me? HEHE
LovelyLinda2: oops
lam and rice: haha ok
lam and rice: HEHE
LovelyLinda2: didnt mean to make the "hehe" in caps
LovelyLinda2: lol
lam and rice: HEHE
lam and rice: OK
lam and rice: WILL DO RINDA
current mood: cracking up
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(comment on this)
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12:17 am
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well..i just wrote letters to mark, my mom, kent, my dad, and josh. the first 4 were to give me closure because im having a hard time with the thought of leaving them for college..and the 5th was just because...i was writing letters to everyone i loved so i decided to write one to josh too..hehe..and im exhausted..now not only physically but emotionally..so im going to sleep...goodnight.
current mood:  sleepy
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(comment on this)
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Friday, August 15th, 2003
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9:38 pm
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ah! i am SO bored..words cannot even describe the boredness that is linda...
today was my last day at work (tomorrow was supposed to be..but i moved it up) it was kinda sad..i mean..i spent a lot of my time there this summer..and it was a great job..but i never have been good at staying happy doing the same thing for a long time..
tuesday my mom is picking up a minivan at the airport and josh is spending the night monday night and we will wake up tuesday morning and start our long drive up to cleveland..with josh's amp and lotsa boxes in tow..it should be interesting...
we will get there thursday (sometime between 11-4 becaues thats the time i have to move in) and that evening there is an all dorm meeting and then a meeting for just our floor..and then the next morning orientation starts (my mom will leave thursday night) orientation goes through saturday and sunday is just a day to relax i guess..monday school starts..i have one class...at 8:30 in the morning i think (yuck..too early) and thats it for monday..
so yeah..its so close and im still kinda in denial..i havent even started packing yet..and i havent bought anything that i need...oh well..ill start tomorrow most likely..
i keep having a nightmare..where i piss a buncha people off and they start chasing me..trying to hurt and/or kill me...so i run away..and i have like..superhuman speed and strength..it usually involves a weird two story house and my either running through the house to the roof or climbing the outside of the house to the roof and then down the other side..and there are woods..and im running as fast as i can and trying to trick them so they cant follow me..but i cant seem to run fast enough...and just when i think ive lost them..i suddenly hear them RIGHT behind me..and then i wake up because i know they are going to get me and its too scary...its an extremely scary and frustrating dream..i always feel like im running from them forever...but no matter WHAT i do i cant escape...im sure it has something to do with the stress of leaving for college..but i cant come up with a metaphor...
i went to the mall yesterday and bought a cute thermal track suit (itll be comfy for going to classes and bumming around campus) and i tried to buy these really cute high top converse (regular black and white ones but with red thread) but they didnt have them in size 8 (dad said they had size 7 and 9 so i could have bought those two pairs and they would have equaled an 8..haha)
i have SO much i need to buy before i leave...arg..too much stress..
im so horribly nervous about leaving for school..nothing anyone can say makes it any better..i wish i wasnt such a worry freak...
anyway..i think im going to go now...bye bye
linda
current mood: antsy
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
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7:47 pm - survey
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+Boyfriend's name: Josh(imus-maximus;)
+Age: 19
+livejournal user name: nexen
+How long have you been together? thats hard to say..we dont really have an anniversary..about 4 years
+How long did you know each other before you got together?: um..i dont really know..but we were never really "just friends"..
+Eye color: blue/green
+Hair color: brown (faded black cuz it was dyed)
+How serious is it?: id say its about as serious as it can be without being married
+Do your parents like him?: now they do
+Do you trust him?: of course..i trust him more than anyone (well..at least as much as my parents..hehe..im such a baby)
+Would you share a toothbrush with him?: yes..even though i hate saliva...i wouldnt mind sharing a toothbrush with him..
+Does he let you wear his pants?: im sure he WOULD...ive never asked..
+Do you have a shirt of his to sleep in that smells like him?: no..but one time he left his hat at my house (i think it was right before he went away for college) and it smelled like his shampoo and i must have smelled that thing daily for months..)
+Can you picture having kids with him?: yes
+how many kids?: one..POSSIBLY 2..but no more than that
+What do you like the most about him?: just how happy and comfortable he makes me feel..he is my security..and how extremely talented and intelligent he is...and he doesnt look too bad either;)
+What bothers you the most about him?: when he smacks his gum and swishes water/other beverages in his mouth (of course..thats just a general petpeeve...)
+Does he have a temper?: not at all actually..of course he has his moods..but it takes quite a bit to make him just plain angry...
+What is the best present he has ever given you?: thats not really important to me at all..we dont give each other presents very often...he gave me a really huge teddy bear last xmas..that was cute..and one time he gave me a huge box of chocolates and madi (my dog) ate half of them...hes bought me some beautiful jewelry..matching necklace and earrings (vintage with red stones) and a chainmail head thingy for scarborough faire..
+Does he have a cute nickname for you?: nothing consistant...we dont really use many nicknames for each other..i dont think were very "cutesy"..
+Are you happy to be with him?: of course..hes the love of my life..im moving halfway across the country and away from my family to be with him (and it will be worth it too;)
+Do you think you could do better?: not at all
+What's their most attractive feature?: like i said..we arent very "cutesy" and i have problems with showing affection/giving compliments..so he probably doesnt even know this..but i think he has the absolutely most AMAZING eyes of anyone ive ever met...they are just incredible (i know thats usually a bullshit answer for that..but its really true in this case) also just his overall appearance (style and build) and his lips are very nice too;) and he thinks his nose is huge..but i think its perfect...and he has something else thats not too bad either :wink wink: (haha..im kidding...well..half kidding..;)
+Does he smoke, drink, or do drugs?: nope..we both agree on that stuff...he drinks a little..but not in party type situations..i suppose he likes "casual drinking"
+Does he have any piercings/tattoos?: no..but he better get some tattoos someday...cuz theyre sexy..hehe
+Is he a party guy or homebody?: homebody isnt a word id use to describe him..but hes definitely not a partier
+what are foods he hates?: guacamole (which i love), mayonnaise and mustard (and any condiments really), salad with dressing..my moms berry pie (hahaha..well..he doesnt hate it but he didnt like it) hes not too picky..
+how long did it take for you to like him?: i liked him the day i met him
current mood: excited
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Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
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10:06 pm
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mark: tell me when its 10 (he said this at 10:05)
linda: its ten
mark: well..then tell me when its 10..10 220..haha! ba-dun-ching!
and earlier he was singing (in spanish no less) "look a house..there and there" and another one he sings in spanish is "these are my older sisters"
mark amuses me to no end..
anyway..just thought id update since its been a while...
work is going well..it takes up all my time..but its enjoyable some of the time..
oh yeah! madi got a hair cut..hehe..she got shaven down so now her fur isnt as long as it used to be (shes short haired..but its kinda long for a short hair and she sheds everywhere) shes so cute with it short..i think she looks better than when its longer..so i think dads gonna start getting her groomed regularly...
im kinda in denial about the fact that im going to be going off to college this month....its only a couple weeks away but i keep trying to convince myself that its still a few months away...i feel really guilty about leaving my animals...what are they going to think? will they think im abandoning them? will they remember me? my cats are such a huge part of my life..i mean..when i first moved down here..they WERE my life..i love them so much..i cant even explain it in words..and ive grown so attached to madi as well...and of course ill miss marie..but shes always been attached to dad..not me...ive never in my life had no pets...i dont know what im going to do...
anyway..i should go to sleep because i have to wake up for work tomorrow..sorry if this update is kinda boring..i was just rambling..hehe..
linda
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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
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11:11 pm
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well..my two kitten bittens have found a home..its a good thing but kinda sad too..i was attached to them...
the home seems perfect though..they are both going together..and they will be indoor only..so thats good..and the guy was REALLY nice and really seemed to know a lot about cats and care a lot..so that was really good..i cant imagine someone better for them to go to...
but i still miss them..and derrick seemed kinda mad at me afterwards...i think he was a little attached to them..but michaelangelo was happy when they left..he was all snuggly and nice..hehe...poor derrick..i feel kinda guilty about that...he didnt seem extremely attached to them when we had them..but he didnt dislike them..i guess he was used to them...and i was used to them..i was starting to think we would keep them (and we would have...i could have convinced my parents to keep them if i really wanted to...but i think this was for the best) they will get more attention in their own home..and now michael wont be as much of a basketcase...
anyway..thats that..
havent talked to kent yet about psycho neighbor...mom has always been around and im not sure if i ever really will get a chance to tell him..
im more angry right now that scared of the neighbor...because that was totally uncalled for and innapropriate...it was practically sexual harrassment..if that is even possible when not in a work/school environment...hes a major asshole..not to mention childish...i mean..come on..threatening a teenage girl over cigarettes..thats just pathetic...
anyway...im done now...bye bye
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Monday, July 28th, 2003
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6:43 pm
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ok..this entry is in reference to my last entry which was friends only..so if you are secretly reading this and arent on my friends list and want to read the previous entry just tell me...haHA..who am i kidding?
anyway..
i went to see sharon and she thought it was really fucking weird too..so she told me to talk to my dad first because he probably wouldnt be as upset about the shower and discuss with him how to talk to my mom about it..so all the way home i was freaking out about talking to my dad..afraid he would be really upset about it and blah blah blah...and so i get home and tell him i need to talk to him and i start off "i have something i need to tell you but there are two parts to the story and you might be really mad about the first part but try to ignore that part right now because the second part is more important" so anyway..i proceed to tell him everything..and at the end he was like "is that it?" and i was like.. "yeah" and he was like "god i thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant!" and i was like "uh....nooo" so yeah..he said he didnt care at all about the shower..because im 18 and he expected that kinda stuff anyway and he didnt care that it was at my moms house (HUGE relief...i guess im so used to my mom overreacting..i didnt expect HIM to react in a normal logical way..hehe) so yeah..he did say that the other stuff was weird..so im going to talk to kent and tell him about it and basically say that if he already knew about what our neighbor said then hes an ass for not doing anything about it and if he didnt know..i think he should do something about it..and if he wants to tell mom about it fine...but i dont know how he'll do that without telling her about the cigarettes...which is why im not telling my mom about it..i dont want to rat on kent...although i do think hes acting like a 13 year old boy...haha..anyway..yeah...theres my update...
linda
current mood: relieved
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
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10:45 pm - Bad Day. (and kinda confusing too)
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well..i woke up when it was still dark out which always puts me in a bad mood...i had to get up though because i had an appointment with sharon at 8..and i needed an hour to get there..i barely slept last night and i dont know why..but when my dad came in to wake me up this morning at 5:45 i was already awake..
i cried off and on before and on the way to sharon's office..i dont know why...i guess because going to seattle is always hard on me..and im emotional about leaving for college soon..
so i talked to sharon and cried the whole time..but i felt better afterwards..
i got to work and warned robert that i might be emotional and cry during the day if something remotely upsetting happens..luckily nothing happened and it was a really good day at work (as far as work goes of course)..
i was really excited because i was going to see josh and i hadnt seen him for a few days and i just really needed to see him..i needed to just vent about how ive been feeling..
he got here and we went over to my moms and ended up having a serious conversation that made me upset rather than feel better...i wont go into details about what it was about because thats besides the point really (well...it IS the point..but when it comes to my journal post its besides the point) anyway..so i got all upset and started crying again...and even though i felt horrible...at least it was nice to be just crying my head off and getting it all out...because i havent cried in a long time..and it was nice to have josh hold my while i cried rather than being by myself and crying..so not only was i crying about what we were talking about..but everything else just flooded out with it..so i was really upset...i hope josh is ok..i think i worried him because i was acting so depressed..so josh if youre reading this..i really am ok...im not particularly happy..but im ok..and im really glad we talked...
so yeah..that was my day..lots and lots of crying...i used to love crying..it made me feel better..now it still makes me feel better..but at the expense of feeling stupid/ugly (im not a pretty crier) and i dont usually have to deal with those emotions along with crying because im usually by myself..but today i cried in front of sharon AND josh..so not only was i crying..but i felt like a total freak...and an ugly one at that (i really really hate looking at myself in the mirror after i cry...good lord its horrifying..heh)
anyway..right at this very moment im feeling ok..maybe once i get in bed ill get upset again..but thats ok..i think im really starting to learn what it is to be truly sad..and not depressed...sadness is ok..its healthy..its not a negative thing...and i really am ok with the fact that im feeling sad right now..because even though im sad..i still have a lot of hope...(although at the high points of sadness when i was crying i probably didnt look like i had any hope...but really...i just had to get all that shit out)
so yeah..today was a bad day...a really bad day..but it wasnt all bad..because ive found that im strong enough now to feel sad without being unhealthy...and i am just even more aware of how much i love and need josh..so yeah..thats never bad...
i say so yeah way too much...oh well
anyway..im going now...hopefully tomorrow will be better...we'll see..
current mood: bittersweet and a little lost
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Friday, July 18th, 2003
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10:56 am
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well..i dont really think i have anything to say..but its been a while so i figured id update really quickly before i get dressed and pack..
im leaving for seattle on a plane at 2:30 this afternoon...im not sure what i think about it...itll be nice to see my family..but i wont see any friends i dont think...i guess ill probably just hang out with family the whole time and go shopping with the girls (my mom, grandma, and aunt)..trips to seattle are always a little bit unsettling...
work is going well..i have my good days and my bad days...its kinda frustrating sometimes..but thats ok..i do my best..and robert treats me a lot better than the people at starbucks...so thats good...
i really dont know why i write in this anymore..over the past year ive pretty much lost touch with everyone on my friends list (and everyone else for that matter)..i barely talk to any of you...its not anything personal..i guess im just not very good with friendships anymore...(proof of that being the fact that i HAVE no friends..) im feeling kinda down on myself lately..im really scared about making friends in college...im just such a fucking loner....when i was younger..i thought "loners" were cool...and i thought i was one..because i was antisocial and shy..but i still had quite a few friends...now that i know what the term really means...its not cool anymore...it makes me feel worthless...and going to seattle just rubs that in my face..it just rubs lost friendships in my face...anyway...i dont know what im trying to say...i might eventually stop writing in this..mainly because i feel like im writing to a bunch of strangers...and im always afraid that theyre judging me (because im paranoid and insecure)..and i always feel like nobody really reads it or cares anyway...so i almost feel like people think im just stupid/arrogant and actually think people are reading it when they really arent....yeah..im so fucking paranoid...anyway..i think id better shut up...oh btw..heather..you arent included in this obviously...seeing as i actually see you on a somewhat regular basis..hehe...and to those of you who i AM talking about (if youre even reading this)..this has nothing to do with you personally..i guess it just has to do with my disappointment in myself for being so insecure and so antisocial that i cant even keep friends anymore...anyway......
on that lovely uplifting note....bye
linda
current mood: Inadequate
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