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  • 8/27/2004

    If John Kerry coached the USA men’s basketball team
    Filed under Posted by — RW @ 7:18 am


    “If I were team USA coach instead of Larry Brown, you wouldn’t see all these missed shots because I would have the team make the baskets.”

    Sir, how would you cause the players to make their baskets any easier than Larry Brown’s offensive plays?”
    “Because I would have assembled a better team of our allied players who would do the job in a much better fashion.”

    “Sir, Shaquille O’neal, Allan Houston, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, etc., all refused to join the team, even after repeated requests. What makes your presence alone preclude that those people would suddenly change their minds?”
    “Because I wouldn’t approach them in such an arrogant manner, turning away our long-time friends with talent.”

    “Sir, Larry Brown and Team USA tried everything to get those players to join…...nothing would change their minds. Again, how would YOU get them to join?”
    Because I know what it’s like to carry an M-16 in the jungles of…...

    Cripes, there he goes again...Sir, knowing what we know now, that the listed players wouldn’t attend the games, that Puerto Rico would have such fantastic team speed, that Lithuania would be so adept with the outside shots, what would you do differently than coach Brown?”
    “I would institute a more cohesive plan, with our allied players…”

    “Sir, they weren’t going to travel with the team to Athens no matter what…..that aside, what SPECIFICALLY would you do that would make the players shoot better than coach Brown? What is that cohesive plan?”
    “My plan, as I’ve said all along, would not turn off the rest of the world, which rallied to our side after the ‘88 Silver medal and that support which, by the way, has been lost by coach Brown’s reckless and irresponsible play-calling which….”

    “Sir, that’s just it, what could YOU do that would cause the players’ shots to go into the basket?”
    “I have with me a band of brothers….”

    “Sir, that’s fine, but that band of brothers won’t help get the task accomplished. The team that’s here is the best team available because all the NBA players who can actually shoot refused to join in. That’s a fact & that can’t be changed. Once more, how would YOU make the team better able to convert their field goal attempts? You couldn’t even throw a baseball from inside the pitcher’s mound to the plate before a Red Sox game….it bounced before it could get there.”
    “That’s a lie. That’s a smear. That’s part of the slime that the Brown team is behind and I call for them to stop, immediately.”

    “Sir, it’s me, asking you these questions, not coach Brown. And I’ll note that you haven’t answered several of them, especially the one that gives some sort of detailed plan that would cause the team to pay better. Saying that you’ll do it ‘differently’ isn’t exactly an answer.”
    “I call on you to stop this smear campaign and I’m sending over Christopher Reeve to deliver you a letter demanding that you either put up or shut up. I remember this sort of behavior back in Vietnam, you know.”

    6 Comments

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    1. Good one Ricky.

      Don’t take the analogy too far though—when team has terrible coaching, the coach deserves to get fired.

      Comment by Oberon — 8/27/2004 @ 7:47 am




    2. Sir, you claim have scored 32 points in a basketball game against the Washington Bullets in 1971. But now several people who played basketball in the same league as you are all over the media saying ‘I played with John Kerry. He never scored 32 points in a a game.’” Doesn’t that make you unfit for coaching?
      “The official NBA records prove I scored 32 points that night. 12 of 13 players on my team support my version. Many other players who were eyewitnesses that night support my version.”

      Comment by Oberon — 8/27/2004 @ 7:49 am




    3. That was good.

      Comment by Cassidy — 8/27/2004 @ 8:55 am




    4. If Gump Were Coach for Team USA Men’s Basketball…

      ...how would you cause the players to make their baskets any easier than Larry Brown’s offensive plays?

      The media isn’t showing you the shots that are going in

      ... Shaquille O’neal, Allan Houston, Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, etc., all refused to join the team, even after repeated requests. What makes your presence alone preclude that those people would suddenly change their minds?

      Because it’s wrong to hate America.

      ... Larry Brown and Team USA tried everything to get those players to join…...nothing would change their minds. Again, how would YOU get them to join?

      They’re either ‘for’ us, or ‘against’ us.

      ... knowing what we know now, that the listed players wouldn’t attend the games, that Puerto Rico would have such fantastic team speed, that Lithuania would be so adept with the outside shots, what would you do differently than coach Brown?

      I’d make sure the evil doers are brought to justice.

      ...that aside, what SPECIFICALLY would you do that would make the players shoot better than coach Brown? What is that cohesive plan?

      I’ll never ask permission of the U.N. to defend this basketball team.

      ... that’s just it, what could YOU do that would cause the players’ shots to go into the basket?

      The tax cuts are working.

      ... Once more, how would YOU make the team better able to convert their field goal attempts?

      I’m a uniter, not a divider.

      Sir, it’s me, asking you these questions, not coach Brown. And I’ll note that you haven’t answered several of them, especially the one that gives some sort of detailed plan that would cause the team to pay better. Saying that you’ll do it ‘differently’ isn’t exactly an answer.

      I won’t punish this team with the soft bigotry of low expectations.

      Comment by MIB — 8/27/2004 @ 1:39 pm




    5. Priceless, Ricky! And nothing but net!

      Comment by Francis W. Porretto — 8/27/2004 @ 6:26 pm




    6. If Kerry were only playing for Bronze
      Ricky at NGD buries one from half-court, imagining Kerry running for President of USA Basketball….

      Trackback by Spare Change — 8/28/2004 @ 12:48 pm



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