|
[10 Feb 2005|11:51am] |
now i can't register for classes until the 17th because that's when i see my academic counselor. bah. well hopefully there aren't too many people in my major and there will still be spots open in classes i need at normal times. as much of a night person as i am, i still would rather take my classes early/mid-day-ish and have the rest of the evening to do shit.
i had a dream last night about moving out with patrick. it was a pretty kick ass apartment, except that it had a fold out bed. that was a little strange. and everyone kept trying to come in the bathroom with me.
watched this show the night before last with patrick, something on the history channel or the discovery channel called 'deadly women'. it was pretty cool. i think countess bathory would make a fun addition to ND.
or maybe the New Orleans chick that slaughtered and mutilated her slaves, but i can't remember her name.
ah well.
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2005|11:19am] |
Things got talked out with the boy. Those things are fine now.
Signed up for school. Took placement test. Told I'm really smart and I should think about a four year degree instead. Problem is I don't have the money for that now do I. Can register for classes on Monday.
The boy's been sick since Sunday and I've managed not to catch despite spending every day with him.
I think I'm going to go play video games now, since no one is on line, well at least not any one who is speaking.
|
|
| don't pay me any attention |
[05 Feb 2005|03:16am] |
i hate when you make me feel like this. it's not the first time. you or anyone else.
maybe it's partly my fault, because of why i do it, or at least why i do some of the time.
but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
i'm not interesting enough for that i guess. i'm not as cute as other people or as skinny as i was. i'm not as funny or as sexy. and i'm not her.
don't tell me your tired. most of the time you don't even give an excuse. fuck it. you'll realize something's wrong eventually right?
i try to pretend that it doesn't bother, what you say or do or did or look at. but it does, and i'm not sorry, because that's just how i am.
i'm not enough for anyone. not as a girlfriend, not as friend, or a granddaughter. nobody believes me when i say i'm trying. but i am. it's just so hard to function in your world. i don't belong here. i never did.
i'd say fuck you but that would slightly ironic.
you ask me if i'm ok. why i got so quiet. i say i'm fine. nothing's wrong, when all i want to do is scream in your face. to get up and hit something, anything. to tear something apart. to scream and cry until i can't make anymore sound.
it's sad that i get the attention i want from strangers.
you don't notice a goddamn thing. not one of you. how hard is it to see?
this won't really make a difference. it's just therapy for me.
i wish i hadn't given up my knife.
|
|
| the night time is the right time |
[03 Feb 2005|01:51am] |
so. just got home from patrick's. we watched troy and cellular and the daily show.
celullar was alright. had some funny stuff.
troy was really good. i didn't think it would be.
i have to go reread The Firebrand now. if you haven't read it you must. read it or die...die!!!!! *points monkey finger of doooooooom*
i'm sleepy if you can't tell.
patrick's thinking about getting a rat. which means i'll have a rat because he's leaving for trucking school in april. and after that he'll be gone two weeks at a time. at least saying 'hey grandma, he needs me to baby sit his rat' will probably go easier than 'hey grandma i bought a rat'.
the problem will be keeping mogget away from him. it's hard enough to keep the mean little thing away from my frogs.
i should probably go to bed. but i think i'm going to go kill diablo for a while.
|
|
|
[29 Jan 2005|02:29am] |
I love you Nikki, and it killed me to hear you cry like that on the phone.
I should have called you. I just had a feeling something was wrong.
I just wish you weren't so far away.
|
|
| bah, i say bah |
[28 Jan 2005|11:49am] |
well whatever. i'd talk about last night but there's really no point. it's probably just me, but then if you were me you'd understand.
called home depot. apparently didn't score high enough on the customer service thing. that must have really weird rules for customer service that no other place has then, because at every other store those things are so simple to pass. but hey whatever. told me to try agaim in another 60 days. like i have 60 days to sit around with my thumb up my ass.
i guess i'll call walmart.
|
|
| the great disappearing/reappearing act |
[25 Jan 2005|11:31am] |
Well. So my computer was totally messed up. Some stuff was going on with the actual computer that seems to be okay now, and of course the keyboard was fried so I couldn't even get in to my desktop. But it took forever just to get someone to lend me their keyboard so I could check it out to make sure that's what was wrong. So I bought one yesterday with money I don't really have, because I quit my job at Michael's two weeks ago. Yeah, it was stupid to quit without having another job ready, but if you had been me and worked there you would understand. Hopefully I'll get this job at Home Depot. I'm thinking about going back to school, but the cheap little community college around here. We'll see.
Other than that not much has happened. My dad's dog died, and it broke his heart. My grandparents have gotten even more irritating, which is probably due to how often i'm home now.
Sorry for anything important that I missed. And sorry I wasn't here to say Happy Birthday, Lodie.
Bah.
and now for meme-ing
( Read more... )
|
|
| this love has taken its toll on me |
[18 Dec 2004|09:36pm] |
so.
right.
maybe it was me all along. maybe i'm just wired wrong. i don't know how to behave or react.
my whole night, ruined, because of one simple thing. i'm being rude and mean to my grandparents. i'm fucking pissed off, just because you have to work late, i don't get to see you, and i have to spend the whole day inside this house.
then she asks what you're doing. working, right? and i start thinking, is that really what you're doing? i sound like ana four years ago.
maybe there's just this point in time, where a switch flips in my brain and i become psycho-co-dependent-manipulative-paranoid-whiny-bitch ana. is that what happened the first time?
maybe one treated me like shit just to get rid of me and i wouldn't fucking go away. i'm like the plague or something.
i don't want to mess this up, but if how i feel to day is any indication of the future, i probably am.
|
|
| like violence you have me |
[18 Dec 2004|01:54am] |
shh...if you're quiet enough i'm sure you can hear that sound.
it shouldn't be hard to recognize.
|
|
| love craziness.... |
[05 Dec 2004|02:45pm] |
*giggle*
now that one...I really like...
i’ll go with that...
most definitely.....
|
|
|
[05 Dec 2004|02:38pm] |
*L*That's just great....
|
|
|
[02 Dec 2004|11:24am] |
Grandparents left for Kentucky for a funeral.
Patrick came over after work and we had a fancy dinner of taco bell and mcdonalds.
I have rugburn. Heh.
|
|
| i know that this will hurt me and break my soul inside |
[30 Nov 2004|04:38pm] |
...everywhere i go, everyone i meet, every time i try to fall in love, they all wanna know why i'm so broken; why am i so cold, why i'm so hard inside, why am i scared, what am i afraid of? This story never had an end; I've been waiting, I've been searching, I've been hoping, I've been dreaming youwould come back, but I know the ending of this story. You're never coming back. Never...Everywhere I go for the rest of my life, everyone I love, everyone i care about they're all gonna wanna know what's wrong with me and i know what it is and I'm gonna end this right now.....
So maybe you think you know what it's about. hell, maybe you actually do. but i'm not going to type it out. not right now. i don't have the stomach or the energy for it. i already feel like tearing my skin open with my teeth.
|
|
| to sleep, perchance to dream.. |
[23 Nov 2004|11:04am] |
belgh. not anymore. i wish i could just not sleep...or take somehting that would knock me out so i wouldn't fuckin' dream.
but i'm not going to bother you with the details, i'm just going to skip ahead to the part of the post you'll pay attention too.
You are 60% Libra
| |
could’ve told you that one...
You Are the Peacemaker |
9
You are emotionally stable and willing to find common ground with others.
Your friends and family often look to you to be the mediator when there is conflict.
You are easy going and accepting. You take things as they come.
Avoding conflict at all costs, you're content when things are calm.
|
|
|
| don't waste your touch, you won't feel anything |
[05 Nov 2004|01:30pm] |
well i'm kind of supposed to be at work except for the fact that david-the-apparent-fucking-idiot didn't tell me he was switching shifts with me. so i get to close tonight.
oh. sorry i have nothing more interesting to write about. maybe you miss the sad, angry pitiful little ana. at least she was interesting i suppose.
i miss her sometimes too.
|
|
| Yes, wait a minute....no. |
[04 Nov 2004|10:29am] |
So Patrick doesn't make enough on his own and I haven't been at any job long enough for them to include me. So no house. Oh well. It's not that big of a deal except my grandparents are slowly starting to frustrate the shit out of me again.
I need to start looking for a new job. Not so much because I don't like the one I have, but more because everyone keeps living and it's getting really chaotic and bleh.
I wonder if anyone knows all the things this new thing about marriage is going to fuck up. All those old couples who love each other but can't get married because if they do they'll lose the social security and benefits they get from their previous dead spouse. All those common law marriages. I can't believe I live in a state so full of dumbasses.
|
|
| do you love your gun, god, and the government? |
[31 Oct 2004|11:35am] |
So. Dressed up for work yesterday, with my pink wig and hat. Only a few of us dressed up.
Passed out candy to the kiddies, because we weirdos in my town have Beggar's Night the night before Halloween.
Went and saw Shaun of the Dead with Patrick and Charles. It was great. Hehe.
We were going to see Resident Evil 2 but I really got tired of sitting around at the theater.
We have an appointment to go talk to someone about buying my uncle's house. I'm a little bit nervous about the whole thing. Not to mention I feel kinda strange buying a house with someone I haven't been with for a year. I suppose it's slightly retarded, but oh well.
|
|
|
[29 Oct 2004|04:04pm] |
It never fails. No one is ever online when I am. Blah.
So nothing's new of course. Boring life, boring job, blah. Grandma and Grandpa came home. Patrick went home.
Helped my uncle move. We may be buying his house. Which would be quite awesome. It's kinda odd though too.
Well since that's about it I guess I'll shut up now.
|
|
