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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Amos' LiveJournal:
| Monday, July 9th, 2001 | |
| 10:07 pm | If we could sleep in peace, what would we dream? in about 24 hours I will be in Springfield….and I am not ready… but at least I know why… I am really about to follow God…and with following God comes the cost of following God. I know the cost and I am willing to stick by God…but I have fear. I will admit this. I remember a time when I had no fear…. I wonder will I ever be in that place again… yet as I think about it more I know I was young and foolish… and I never want to return to that place. i want peace right now. I want to sleep in somebody’s arms. You know when people really care for you and they touch or hold you…its really powerful. I hope I get to that place with God….i am not there yet...but for right now I will reflect on the human memories of being held and the feeling that the person really careing for me, and just wanting to make things ok… (in random order) Thank you Rain, thank you Jennie, thank you Andy, and thank you A You guys love well Jamal |
| Sunday, June 10th, 2001 | |
| 10:06 pm | When going posta,l go to lunch at bars Saterday I had my first day at the Post Office. The guy the had me train with was really cool, and for lunch we stopped at this old bar with lots of old white Irish guys. I stuck out like a sore thumb. :-) Going postal is not to bad. I feel really blessed by having the job. at $12 an hour you cannot really complain. The only thing that i don't like about the post office is that I am now on file with the FBI. that is a scary thing....(they took my fingerprints to be sent to the FBI for a background cheak... scary...very scary.. |
| Sunday, June 3rd, 2001 | |
| 12:04 pm | The plan that i tried to do yesterday.. Failed. Well...i will have to try again. |
| Friday, June 1st, 2001 | |
| 10:45 pm | Got Pride? The plan for tommarow is to try and go to the Pride March and see Winterboy. My friend J from school is coming along for the ride. Will this work... will R wonder what I was smoking after that message on his voice mail. only time will tell and sleep will follow.... *note to self* when doing 8 hours of lawn work remeber to not to get up at 6am after 4 hours of sleep to do 3 more hours, drive to 4 hours and then try to call people. That is not wise chewwy goodness |
| Wednesday, May 30th, 2001 | |
| 10:18 am | God has been faithful! I got a B- in media critism. (i thought I was failing befor hand) I am about to send my teacher flowers. heheh |
| Friday, May 25th, 2001 | |
| 1:20 am | Goals These are my personal Goals.(in random order) *To really love my self. This is something I have never really done. I am not sure how to do so, so I may be asking for advice on that one. *To love others without reserve. To love the poeple around me the way I feel about them. I just want to embrace them and really show them how I feel without fear. (ummm...wonder how to do that with God) *To be have an open, yet guarded heart. That means that I am open to my friends, yet that I guard my self from becoming bitter. * To get sleep. I don't think i get enough.. :-) Umm... I am not sure why I am posting these... I think it is more for my self then for others..but please post if you wish, and add suggestions if you would like. Keep kicking but!! take care |
| Sunday, May 6th, 2001 | |
| 6:48 am | Thinking about things.. I was chilling and A and Jo last night and A told how Rae had emailed her and i starting thinking. This may come as kind of shock to Ryan and others but I am sad that I had to give her up. And I still really care for her even though she hurt me a lot and I think would still hurt me without a second thought. Which is kind of sad, but there is not much i can do about that. It is kind of like the situation with Kelly, even though she ripped out my soul I still wonder how she is doing...and hope that she is doing ok. I guess that is why i still read Rae's journal, i hope that she is doing ok. I still care, even though we cannot be friends. Which is more for me then her. I wish it didn't have to be like that but it does...and that is life. I am glad though i happened, I got to heal alot and I feel know I can be my self now. I need to get to church, cause I am late. Have a nice day everybody. Nobody gets what they want and that is beutiful-They Might be Giants Current Mood:  thoughtfulCurrent Music: Plumb-Phobic |
| Thursday, April 26th, 2001 | |
| 12:06 am | Rom rules! I am talking to ROM!! YEA! |
| Sunday, April 22nd, 2001 | |
| 11:26 pm | Skip School! I tried to do work to day... failed. I ran into J, and then we went to A. Then we went to Northhampton, then Amherst. Wasted lots of time :-) Talked about alot of stuff, and cheered up J who was not doing well. We had a lot of fun and tried to dye my hair blue but it looks like I am going to have to bleach it. :-( But i will get up and try again. Tried to talk to Rae, just in email form saying that I forgive her for the stuff that happened betwen us, and hopefully she forgives me. Wel...l she doesn't and posted some nasty stuff that should have been keep in privite... I got rid of it, cause it was not cool. One thing though which I find kind of cool is that she wants to go to my funeral to make sure I am dead. I thought that was kind of funny in some screwed up way. To me... shows that want's to get that last kick in :-) I think it is funny stuff Ummm what was I thinking... oh going to lose Darrel as a friend... getting that feeling....kind of sucks... but there is very little I can do about it. It is his choice and not mine... I can fight...but I do not know if that would do more harm then good going to work now... well going try Oh before I go... Rain and Andy thanks for much for you love. Both of you guys rock. Current Music: Counting Crows-Day light Fading |
| Sunday, April 8th, 2001 | |
| 2:28 pm | Cast party :-) Ahh... got to love the cast party. Where else can your get you nipples licked, drink moose juice, dare another person to drink another persons spit, get a lap dance from a "preist", eat pasta, use an ab well, play Playstation 2, told that you look good in womens clothing, sing off key, sing blues songs about jacking off about other peoples wives, and use the phase "i have vodka in my hand and i know how to drink it ! "? Man... maybe i should have stayed longer.... |
| Sunday, March 25th, 2001 | |
| 9:11 pm | Smile I had a good weekend, I had a lot of fun with Joe, Matt, and Blake at the Rave. But Blakes car got broken into :-(. Saw Rain, and M, and that was really Cool. Jill wrote me back... perfect weekend. |
| Monday, March 19th, 2001 | |
| 3:24 pm | Thought number 38 I am sitting in my friends room while she is on the phone. (mom called :-) But she wants help with something that has to be let go. Something that hurts and must be delt with. Stuff sucks at finials, to much to do and not enough time to do it. Holding on to a person is just as painful as letting them go... |
| Tuesday, March 13th, 2001 | |
| 2:45 am | Going to tell I am going to tell Andy tommarow, I am alittle scared, but I have to enjoy the fear and tell him something that scare the hell out of me.%3 Current Music: Hum-Heavenward is Downward |
| Saturday, March 10th, 2001 | |
| 1:02 am | The woods are lovely I went for walk in the woods, and it was really nice. The snow was deep and the whole place was covered in white and it was so pretty. The whole place was really amazing...it was so nice. Go for a walk in the woods, it is worth the time. Current Mood:  mellowCurrent Music: The Sundays-Wild Horses |
| Thursday, March 8th, 2001 | |
| 1:37 pm | Don't try is at home Rain I found the the lyrics and Posted them for you. Have a goodday. Suicide is Painless- Theme for Mash Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be the pains that are with held for me I realize and I can see suicide is painless it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if i please the game of life is hard to play i am going to lose it anyway the losing card i'll someday lay so this is all i have to say suicide is painless it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if i please The sword of time will pierce our skin it does not hurt when it begins but as it works it's way on in the pain grows stronger watch it grin suicide is painless it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if i please a brave man once requested me to answer questions that are key is it to be, or not to be and I replied oh why ask me suicide is painless it brings on many changes and I can take or leave it if i please and you can do the same thing if you please Current Music: Suicide is Painless |
| Monday, February 26th, 2001 | |
| 4:01 am | Praying I'm going to spend some time before God. I have not spent much time with him, and I always feel better, stronger after talking with Him. For some odd reason I am scared too... I don't know why he knows everything I am feeling... still I am scared (well it is God.. :-) As I am thinking about this.. I just realized that I will not be late for breakfast with Jennie! Yea! Jamal |
| 1:10 am | Busy I go the part of Adam in the play this week. I am greatfull for the chance to play the part. Though it is a lot more work, and I am suppose to be off book for act one already. (this has NOT happened) But I think it will be fun, a lot of fun. And hopefully ti will be really cool. I am going to try and see Athis weekend. It will be nice to see her. I think we will watch Random movies, chat and do homework. It will be a nice time. Speaking of homework...I should be doing some ;-) I'm not sure if I can hide what is going on in my life from A. I am good at hiding what is going on from people most of the time. Rain though knows when I not doing well, and asks. i really cannot hide from her :-) I am finding my-self being really open with A and she kinds of opens me up like a tin can. It's not a bad thing... I am just not sure right now if i really wish to be open. To be exposed.. I feel so self-centered as I write this cause it is all about me. And not he time I spent with Joe playing Tony Hawk for two hours, and talking about our lifes as we played. He is mad cool, and just fun. Hopefully we can live togather next year, but that remains to be seen. Oh, i found this new singer who I like alot, I just downloaded a few of her songs from Napster and I liker alot. Sandra McCracken is her name, and she is nice. She is mainly folk and seems really good. I will have to pick up her album at some point in time. Ok..I am going to bed, i have to get up and should get off line. Plus you should not spend your life in front of a glowing box Jamal Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Sandra McCracken-Nameless Places |
| Tuesday, February 20th, 2001 | |
| 1:52 am | Run away I should be sleeping right now.... but don't want to.. I could... but I rather not. i rather think... I rather keep my mind moving so that it does not have settle and think of what i really have to think about. What I am thinking about only 2 know ...and they know I am really scared. i'm wicked scared... but I have never felt fear like this... dying is less of a scarier thought then dealing with this. I wonder why? I'm not sure...but I have people and God there. I'm leaving this question far past gone in my mind. I'm just going to let it grow till it finds something with meaning, maybe peace. Maybe it will find thought... i just want to cry...really... that is all I want . just to feel something that i know is not fake... that i have created to hide the pain. I am ready to face the fear, for all we have to fear is fear it's self right.... then why do i just want to run and hide and i just feel untouchable? Fuel- Hemorrhage (In My Hands) |
| Thursday, February 15th, 2001 | |
| 12:37 am | V-Day It's over. I am thankful that this day of love is over cause when you single...you want to kill. I have only had one V-day with another person. But I think it would mean more if you did stuff like that without notice. That way it would be really cool. I think if you really love that person, you should do something simple on V-day, then on like April 8 go ALL OUT. That way it means something, it has thought and i NOT sold to you in packs of 12. That is my thoughts on the matter. Oh any guys reading this, if you do this, you will be a god. Top hat and full tux, limo, dinner at a nice place, on a random day.(just make sure she get's her hair done that day) If your really smooth you could even buy her a nice dress for the night. (take a female friend of hers with you for this one, DO NOT try this alone) on a scale of 1-10 in the romance book you would get a 12. That is my thoughts on the darkest of dark days. May god have mercy on our souls Now.... i am thinking about love.... and my last relationship. I think that is a mistake.... but i will keep thinking about it because I want to.... and I do not want to sleep. I am starting to wonder if my last relationship ment anything to my last girlfriend? I really am.. She says that she truly loved me, yet she acts like I am dead because I made a mistake and hurt her, as she has done the same. now... she will not even look at me. To her I am dead. I am sad cause it hurts a bit and it leaves me wondering. i just wish we could move on, cause I am just sick and hurt by this pointless act.... all it does is make things worse. All we do is fight, cause we both want to win. I know what I want to win.... I want to win freedom to be my self. To make mistakes,and fall, to love who i want, and enjoy others without worry. I don't know what she want's to win. I do know she is fighting me in the wrong way.... you never win in friendship, you either lose or you love. that is it..... were all going die at some point in time, why die pissed? I don't know... I just bothered by the whole thing. I was hoping to move on to loving one another, if that is possible. Current Music: Tonic-You wanted more |
| Friday, February 9th, 2001 | |
| 11:51 am | Whore Now I'm a whore. When in truth i'm more of slut, cause I just cannot say no. That i my problem.... something I must deal with. Something I am not good at. I never said I was high and mighty. We all fall, the question is will you help that person get back up. |