I may be offline for a while. Do not bother sending messages of sympathy, I may not get them.
I still have trouble knowing what day of the week it is. These little things are important for appointments and such. I should have someone call me every morning to tell me what day it is.
Midway through my SSI appointment today, I found out that today was Thursday. My SSI appt was for Friday. They didn't care. *L* Just pushed me through.
However, my counselor must have been confused about my upset call yesterday telling her I wouldn't be able to make it in due to lack of transportation. My appointment was for 1:00 pm Thursday; I was still at SSI appt at that time.
Arron took me and we were there from 11 to almost 3. There were so many questions asked that I could only reply, "I don't know, I don't remember". At the question "Do you regularly have to handle items that are large and unwieldy" Arron nearly busted a gut. I thought he was going to cry from laughing. (But it's true)
After that, we went to the counselors to fill out a request for records, but no one was in. Then we went to JCLincoln Hospital to request my records. He drove me all over town.
We were going to spend the rest of the day together and I was going to spend the night, but I was in so much pain that I couldn't even sit still in the car and was crying, so he took me home so I could load up the best I can with my weak and pathetic drugs. (I have no narcotics, or anyting else addiction - I never get to have any fun. Pffftt. )
I keep telling everyone I have memory problems, but only if you spend a lot of time around me like Cynthia or Arron, can you really tell. I often hear, "Uh, you just told me that a few hours ago/a few days ago/a few minutes ago."
Lets see. Today is Monday. It's been two hours so I'm loose enough to type now. yesterday was a bust. Still unhappy. Still have no one to help me move my stuff. Still cannot get ahold of Arron. Still no phone.![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041130022621im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
_twilight_ sent me a link that might be able to help me get my phone turned on. So I applied for assistance.
Oh gods, I hurt so I think I'll go back to bed. It's an 8.5 day but I'm supposed to be repacking my stuff. Someone kill me.
soreDepressed. Not feeling better. Things are going from bad to worse.
At least I got to got to Tom's birthday last night and disassociate from my depression for a little bit. I was asked about my problem (the granny walk made it obvious) and I think I did a fair job explaining without begining to whine. I did not want to ruin the fun of me and others with my "I'm so sick" whine.
I haven't wrote about the things in my past three days that are making me lose hope.
Thursday, I found out that half my office was laid off. Due to the economy, the third largest insurance provider in the US is having to lay off support staff in many of their offices. Guess what? I'm support staff.
Funny thing is, as long as I'm on disability, I still technically have a job. I cannot be laid off until I return to work. But there is something tickling the back of my mind telling me that there is a requirement that employees returning to work after disability leave are to be given their own job back, or if the job is no longer available, given another job with the company. I'm still fuzzy about that and will have to check with government regulations on that.
Friday - just bad pain all day and the feeling of doom. Called payroll about my non-appearing check but could only leave a message.
Saturday - I am told I will have to find another place to live as my hostess is going through a lot of troubles right now and is not capable of caring for me anymore. This is amicable and the friendship is well maintained. She just CANNOT afford to pay for my meds, doc appts, food, travel, etc anymore. There was a lot of crying on both of our sides because we are good friends and we want to reassure each other that this does not affect that. She needs to care for herself FIRST. It's the very thing I've been telling her since I came in. (BTW, it had nothing to do with the eggs.)
Thing is, if I had been strong enough to do what she did, I wouldn't have lost my apartment in the first place. I admire her strength, honesty, and ability to do this while showing me friendship and respect.
So: no money, no job, no home. Deja vu.
gloomyI think I don't like to go to bed at night because I really don't like waking up in the morning. I woke up two hours ago; my hands are still painful but at least I can move and the headache has eased to a tolerable level. Jaw is still popping; I need a night guard but I have to see the dentist for that (for gods sakes, I don't know why - why cannot my rheumatologist give me an Rx for one, since it's a FMS issue).
I can't remember much of yesterday yet, so I'll just update later. I just wanted to vent out the whine a little.
I just got off the phone with my insurance provider and found out that my company's benefits ROCK. Of course, it's an HMO so I have to go with an In-Group Provider.
Chiropractic: 20 visits per year, $15 CoPay
Pain Clinic: Referral by PCP, $15 (Like any specialist)
Pain Block Injections: free with Rx
Durable Medical Equipment (i.e. wheelchairs, walkers, shower chairs): free with Rx
((BTW, Chelsae & Arielle, you qualify for these benefits too!)) [I like to believe my kids like me enough to occassionally read my journal]
Right now the operator I was talking with is trying to find me a provider for an electric wheelchair. When I'm bad enough I need a wheelchair, I certainly cannot move it manually - I tried that in the hospital and just couldn't move my arms well enough. It was humiliating to depend upon the nearest stranger to move me. Sometimes I was abandoned in a certain area and had to wait until someone came around.
I'm going back to work, dammit. I'm going to find a way. If I have to get the lidocain injections into my trigger spots, which I understand are extremely painful to undergo but last up to 3 months, then I will do so!
My goal is to return to work by Friday, October 1st in some fashion. Even if I have to start at part time for the first few weeks.
As God is my witness, blah blah blah...
Peace out, hippies
(yeah, still no sleep)
Let's see... Went to movies last night with my love. I was a real pain in the ass as I was about 8-9 pain level. My granny walked faster and I was fondly remembering my wheelchair in the hospital. I've got to call my insurance and see if such things are covered. Barely made it through the movie, squirming in the seat. We saw Resident Evil and it was okay, I guess. I couldn't really pay attention. Then Arron drove me to his house where he put me in a hot hot shower for my back and massaged me as the hot water pounded my back.
This morning, he took me for my a.m. lab tests, then we went to the hospital I stayed in and signed the release of info. Then to Denny's for breakfast - our waitress was simply adoring my bat barrets that Cynthia got me and my bat pin Arron got me from Walgreens. I had to tell her a couple of times where to get them and she said she was going today, right after work! *L* Sometimes normal people aren't so normal after all. After that, to the post office where I turned in my change of address, got a form for Cynthia because Brad's change of addy fucked up her receipt of mail. Arron put my name on his PO Box (is that almost like moving in together! *L* our mail is!), paid his POBox bill, bought special stamps for his mother and himself AND a present of Disney stamps for Cynthia. I can write that now 'cause she'll see them before she gets on the comp. I didn't get my check that I was hoping would come on the 15 - I guess it won't come until the 30th. After that we stopped by the Social Security office to get a SSDI form, but that office is closing down and had no forms.
Whew! So then we took a long nap. After all that, we were exhausted and it was fricken hot outside.
Got up, got starbucks, then back to the labs for my p.m. bloodwork. I mentioned before that this is the testing for hypothiroidism. Weirdness while we were waiting for me to be taken back to the vampire rooms - one of the techs came up to me and asked, "Didn't you used to use a walker?" "Umm... when I was in the hospital"... Turns out she was in there, in a different ward, when I was in but had seen me several times. I cannot believe how she could recognize me as I looked rather Anime today, hair up, makeup,etc, and wore pjs or similar with only a small ponytail when I was in the hospital.
Arron's taking his dad to see Billy Idol tonight - he bought the tickets way earlier this year for Father's Day. *L* Arron's dad usually listens to 50's music but LOVES Billy Idol and Arron says the greatest hits cd never left the player. I think, btw, that it is sooooooo sweeeeeet. Awwwwwww. I love Arron's family. I wish I grew up in a family like theirs. Great thing is that they seem to love me too!
I'm about a 6.5 today. Much better than yesterday. Arron and Cynthia take such good care of me. I'm SO glad Arron likes Cynthia and vise versa. I told Arron about Cynthia's "intervention" yesterday and he said, "Good. I was about to say something about it myself!" Well, I'm glad it was said. I didn't see it because I was in it.
tiredI wonder...
How many of you, who claim to be my friends or at least interested aquaintences, actually go to the links I provide that explain more about what I (and millions of others) go through.
Feel free to be honest with me (Dot always is) - do you think I'm just malingering, that fibromyalgia is just the fad of the year?
Tell me what you think. Tell me if you read the links.
Earier on Thursday, after coming to my counseling appointment with me, Arron and I talked a lot in the car. He's concerned about sharing his problems with me because he believes I'm barely afloat from my own problems. I listen to him better now after the hospitalization, actually HEAR what he says. As much as its hard to admit, I *am* too fragile to deal with many other's problems. I was too fragile to take in Jimmy when I was struggling myself, and too fragile to take in Tab when I was still trying to recover from my flareup and Jimmy's dirty dealings with me. He warned me at the beginning about both. I do what I can for Cynthia, maybe because they don't directly involve me, but I don't know if I can take on some of Arron's burden just yet and that is completely unfair to him as he takes on so many of mine. I just hope he honestly belives that I'm trying to get stronger, so we can have an equal partnership.
He also mentioned that I frequently confuse the specialists and others I see because I get dressed and look like I'm well. In his words, "When you are dressed like you are ready for work, those around you will believe that you are able and ready for ALL of it. They don't realize that getting ready like that was the best you can do for the day." I asked him if he thought that, when I spend my precious energy to get beautiful for him, if he gets the same immpression - that I'm well enough to resume normal activities. He said he gets that first impression, but he knows within a few minutes that I'm not. But I don't want to visit him looking like the SHIT I feel like. Besides, I'm always hoping I'll feel better if I look better. I know he's be thrilled if I showed up in a t-shirt and shorts, with no makeup and my hair wild. But I don't want to give that to him - I want him to know he's important enough that I will spend some of my spoons for him.
I was too independent for most of my life - had to be as a child. I'd rather give than recieve. I'd rather help than to need help. I'd rather heal than be ill. I want to be a giver, but I've turned into a taker. And I'm not dealing so well with having my life taken from me at such a young age.
And I DON'T want to hear any optimistic stuff today. I know it myself, my brain says it to me all the time - it's what keeps me alive. I don't want to hear that my life hasn't been taken away from me! The life that I was able to live HAS! I haven't yet learned how to live in the life I have now.
I did manage to kick ass on "Kingdom Hearts", but since all the other games are not in the same format, I just cannot bring myself to invest my time & energy into another game.
I feel like all I ever truly write in my journal is the gloom and doom of my illnesses. I'm so tired of it. Sometimes, I think everyone would rather I just posted my stuff in the ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041130022621im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
fibromyalgia, epilepsy, or sicklygoth groups and sometimes I do. But, you know the whole "it's my journal, I'll write what I need to" deal.
I couldn't even write yesterday, I was so off. There was a lot I wanted to say. If I could just dictate it to the journal, I'd be happier.
Thursday, Arron, imgodsfavorite and I *actually* went out to Area 51 - I did enough Vicodin that I was able to dance fairly often. Not like i used to. I miss being like I used to be (at least some of it). I used to rock climb, I used to dance 2-3 nights a week, I used to go to coffee with friends, I used to work a full time job and had money. I used to be fun.
I'm not fun anymore. I'm a whiner and cryier. This is much worse than 2000 when I had the endometriosis problems (not knowing that it was a symptom to this current problem). At least then I was still social, could still dance, could still visit friends, could still work, except for the times I was on leave due to surgery.
There is no surgery that will help this. There is little that makes me cheerful because of the full body pain. Yesterday, I tried to cook a bunch of food so I wouldn't have to cook the rest of the week. Midway through, I was just too exhausted to continue - I left a pile of dirty dishes in the sink even though I usually clean up everything after I cook. I just put most of the prep work into the fridge so I could finish today. I don't even know if I *can* finish today. I was just so wasted by 4 pm tha I didn't even have the energy to write in the journal. I couldn't type - I just lay in a stupor on the couch for hours until I finally fell asleep. I still feel awful today - it's after 3 and I still have that zombiefied, stiff movement, brain fog feeling I get in the morning which usually passes after a couple of hours.
Today I was given an "intervention" by imgodsfavorite - She knows I've been adding black market Vicodin to my presecribed Rx. It made me feel more able to get up and do things, lessened the pain, and dulled the depression. I used it sparingly as I only had a small amount to begin with. Today, trying very hard to not make me upset, she told me she notices a change in me that isn't a good one - she says I slur more, am more impulsive and tend to take on projects I cannot finish before the Vicodin wears off (like yesterday's cooking fest). In addition, she notices my brain jumps from topic to topic quickly and I have more than usual trouble remembering what I was just talking about. I'm also clumsier (and have the lump on my head and the cut/lump/bruise on my hip to prove it; both injuries she witnessed) This spun into a crying jag for me, whining about how frustrated I am with the turn my life has taken. I told her not to worry about the Vicodin anymore as I am out and I didn't take it regularly enough to become dependent. I sincely hope she's not worried that I'm upset about her talk with me: as my friend, I kind of expect her to do something like that which is in my best long term interest. (Cynfia, I'm weally not upset, pwease beweave me! I actually thank you for caring.)
But I sorely miss having something that eases the pain. Today I'm at a pain level 8 on the Fibromyalgia Pain Scale, but last night I was an 9. Only a few times have I been at a 10, including my visit to ER on July 11. Sometimes, even at a 9, I'm temped to go to ER - but only if vomiting occurs simultaneiously.
Brand new... The hot (IMO) guy with the longer hair is my man!
[edited because Fotopic is ass]
Fotopic doesn't allow remote linking, please go to my fotopic album
RockStar to see the four Second Skin photos he sent me. The two head shots are destined to be included in a compilation Cure cover album. Identification is as follows: short dark hair/straight jacket, Mark "Kitty"; Cute as a Damn Button Liz; longer dark hair, sweet eyes, Arron.
Dammit, I need a free place that allows remote linking... while I'm at it, I'd like this weeks lotto numbers.
I cannot express how much I hurt that my children have such a low image of me. I want nothing more than to be able to share so many different mother/daughter things with them.
I took Chelsae to get her ears pierced for her birthday, bought her starbucks, and then let her hang out with her friends for a bit even though it was supposed to be me & her time. I took her to see The Nutcracker (although we were late because I was lost) when I had few dollars for myself. I spent three days and over $50 to make sure we had the supplies to spend all of Halloween making her Chi costume - I didn't go out for Halloween myself.
I took Arielle to the best kick ass punk show she'll ever have been to, including the afterparty where she got to meet most of The Dead Kennedy's and Total Chaos. I got a super large poster signed by Total Chaos & another band that she hangs in her room. When broke, I still made sure I got her the animae tapestry she wanted.
I have not been an ideal mom. They fail to realize that there is no such thing. I've tried. I even asked them what each though was an ideal mother so I could become closer to that ideal.
Instead, Arielle refers to me as her "crazy mom" to her friends and has made up stories about me. Chelsae has made her journal "friends only" stating the reason is because of her "stupid mom".
I wanted to teach them how to sew and bought many patterns they each said they liked. I bought yards and yards of fabric. I taught them how to use the machine. Now I have piles of stuff for them that they but once made an effort to use.
I am not perfect enough for them. But they won't tell me what a perfect mother is, so I'm competing against an unformed image of motherhood.
Oh, why cannot I be one of those 50's moms that the docs constantly gave Valium to? Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much that they don't like me.
Everyone tells me "oh, it just the age they are at". Maybe some. But I don't believe it's necessary for daughters and mothers to become enemies just so the daughter(s) can form their own identities. My daughters are special, different, and have grand goals and talents. I just want to share a little of their lives.
They're not going to necessarily like the stipulations I discussed with the dad about all of them moving to Tucson. I asked for every Yule Eve until Xmas Eve - but the year I had kidney stones and could drive, we've spent Yule together and Xmas Eve is Arielle's birthday. I asked for Chelsae's B-day until Mother's Day, so I could have her during that time. I asked for one month out of the summer. And I asked for at least a couple of hours every time I'm in Tucson - Arron already said he'd happily pick them up whenever we drive down, even taking them to Mexico with us if they'd like. I hope this mends things for us.
It hurts so bad that I love them and want them so much, yet they don't want me.
For all you NORML and not so normal people...
Medical trials of cannabis show positive results
excerpts:
Cannabis has been used as a medical treatment for at least as long as it has been a recreational drug. Queen Victoria is supposed to have used it for period pains. It was sometimes used in childbirth and a poignant archaeological discovery in the Middle East revealed cannabis remnants near the body of a young woman who probably died in childbirth 5,000 years ago.
...
Animal experiments have suggested the drug slows nerve cell death. And many multiple sclerosis sufferers have been using it, illegally, to relieve the pain and stiffness of their slow progression towards helplessness.
(bold is mine)
I really wish I had some. For a while, I was feeling worse when I smoked, but now that I'm being medicated I found the one time I've had some since that I don't feel worse. Some of my problem involves my nerve cells. In general, my joints don't ache as much, my bones don't burn so much, and, believe it or not, I was MORE able to get things done. I'd smoke a bowl, eat and watch some tv while it kicked in, then get up and clean the kitchen. Rest, smoke, repeat with a different chore. If it hadn't been for cannabis, I would not have survived the Topamax toxicity as well... I only dropped down to 93lbs. What would I had weighed if I hadn't had the munchies when high?
I wrote out about my doc visit on Wednesday, but I must have screwed up somehow because it didn't post. So, I guess I give the short version.
No upping or additional meds for my increasing pain; must be treated for depression for a couple of months before he'll review my meds. Did get Rx changed from 15 day supply to 30 day supply - he had misunderstood something (& didn't read the chart) so I had been having to have 2x month refills, $30 each time. Got script for 3 mos supply so I can mail order supply & pay only one month copay (rock on).
Have lab test ordered for hypothyroidism because of some symptoms I have. Hypothyroidism has some of same effects I've blamed upon med and fibro - can be concurrant with fibro.
********
Oh, the joy of moving - will be picking up all my stuff from the ex's on Saturday and bringing it here. Hurrah, I'll have more of my clothing.
Egads, my rheumy's office *just* got back with me - I've been leaving messages nearly every day since Tuesday. I go back in on Weds to see if something can be done about my increasing pain; have been nauseus for days and have lost contents of my stomach today, all due to pain. Can't sleep and it shows on my face. Have been having tremors. Needless to mention, I will not be released to return to work. Not that I *feel* like I could work; just wishful thinking. I'm so ungodly bored, lonely, and feel so unproductive (i.e. worthless to society).
Every day I try to do at least 5 things to move things forward. I've done a lot in the past couple of weeks and am currently stuck in the "hurry up & wait" phase - I cannot do some things because I'm waiting for needed items from various agencies. Sometimes there such itsy bitsy things, but that's all I might be up to for that day. Today, so far, I've scheduled my rheumy, called public housing to send me an application, and transferred my prescriptions to a nearer pharmacy. I should do laundry (which counts as five things for me in and of itself).
I'm *still* waiting regarding my short-term disability. It's still on hold (i.e. I'm still not getting any money) because more records are being requested - everything from July to present, due to the ER visit and hospitalization. I have not received any money since June 15, over 2 months. I have a "sugar-momma" who pays my co-pay on my meds; I just turned in my receipts for my Flexible Spending Account so I can pay her back and have a few dollars for myself. Hopefully I will get it on the 15th; if not, then the 30th.
Oh, and I woke up with an eye infection. Everything I have is bad enough, it's uncalled for to have my immune system battered around so I am constantly getting these little piss-ass infections every other week. I need to buy new contacts when I have $$; these are 2wk disposables I bought back in April.
BTW, Aspercreme does not help with fibro pain.
Europeans don't have a Vote in the United States - but Americans do care What We Think
I made sure to reregister* to vote yesterday, since I'm in a new home. As usual, I registered Green. I don't always vote Green, but I pick the closest I can.
I don't believe ANY vote is a wasted vote. If you want to write in "Charlie Brown", then do so and be proud you voted. Voting is the most sacred secular act we have. Remember, most people of the world do not have the option to put in their two cents. Yeah, sometimes the person you voted for did not win the office. But you've got to TRY.
Every election I vote, I cry while I'm voting. I'm a sap and cannot help that. I'm so bursting with pride when I vote. I think of the people who DIED, fighting so that I can do so. I'm honored to be the beneficiary of their struggles. It's been less than 100 years that women have had to option to vote.
Last presidential election, I voted Libertarian (I also belive in NORML policies and the candidate was for legalization). Like MOST of the country, my choice did not win the Presidency.
I was probably going to vote Green this year. A lot of the information that beinghomeless provided had a strong impact upon me.
After reading a post in sos_usa with an excerpt of an interview with Noam Chomsky, I now believe it is my duty to my fellow citizens to pick the "evil of two lessers" that will, at the least, help America regain most of the ground we've lost in the past nearly four years.
* Arizona residents can register online at www.servicearizona.com. Most states have online registration services; you can search for services or go to www.justvote.org.
Last night I dreamt that I was quietly floating in the sea, bouying peacefully as a false dawn arose. Suddenly, I was attacked by a hoard boa-sized sea snakes - I had hundreds of bite marks stinging me while I was in the salty water. When I got to shore, my skin looked like all the staples had been removed after an attack with a staple gun. The fangs must have veen fairly close together and rather short in that particular breed of reptile.
The salt water slowed the bleeding so only a little bit of blood was seeping from each of the hundreds of punctures. When I got to the nearest building, a bar, I found it was already afternoon and the snake toxins had started addle my brain. As I entered the nearly empty pub, I noticed the holes had scabbed up. I tried to ask the bartender for help, for her to call an ambulance but she didn't understand, she only spoke spanish. I tried my pathetic mixture of spanglish, but I was hurting too much and too confused from the toxins.
I left through another door and saw that I was in a smallish Mexican city - it looked a lot like Nogales with tradesmen and marketers everywhere. None of them could understand me very well but some understood enough to point me in a certain direction and I stumbled toward what I hoped was medical aid. I just got worse and worse as I went.
**
Then Arron woke me up as he usually does when a bad dream catches me and makes me noisy. He tries to chase it away.
However, I woke up with my usual full body pain - but I was a little disorientated when I awoke and thought for a moment that the snake bites were true.
Strange how the dream seems to really reflect my experiences of this illness: the all over physical pain and the difficult time getting necessary medical treatment - none of the Docs really what to do, they just keep pointing me in a general direction and I keep hoping it's the right one.
(x-post to sicklygoth and fibromyalgia)
As the years go on, I find it increasingly difficult to live up to my own standards of morals, virtues and ideals. Mainly because I don't have any clear cut images but rather swim in a confusing soup of sets thrust upon me from various sources. I've become so overwhelmed that I am losing the ability to frame my own.
For example, "do unto others as you would have done to you" does not work for me. 1) I have found I become a wonderful doormat for those who cannot or will not follow that creed themselves. 2) I have also discovered that living by that creed tends to garner much censure from the influences around me (i.e. I've been told I'm improper for being as friendly with males as I am with females).
I'm lost in the pressures and hangups from being raised LDS, being feminist, the mores found in "the goth scene", my proper Catholic boyfriend's ideas, being a pagan, my libertarian/green politics, work ethics, and even being chronically ill seems to have it's own rules of behavior. Included in the pressures are some of my character flaws, such as not thinking clearly before I speak.
Oh, Munch, screaming I could easily stand in for your stolen painting.
I *do* want a clear path to follow, a generous and humane mode of being.
I made my calls, got records in route, didn't make progress with appts - had to leave messages. And got someone to drive me around to sign all the "release of information" forms. Plus I'll be getting copies of my med records for submission to SSI.
Now I have two more chores:
Write down all docs & agencies that need to be visited in address order.
Get addy's in order to help overworked imgodsfavorite with bridesmaid stuff.
gods dammit it, I finally did it - submitted the SSA application and I guess I'll have to go into the office for an SSDI app.
I've been trying to make myself do this for some time. Sometimes I feel like part of me has to drag the rest of me kicking and screaming along for what's best for all of me.
Other new: My hostess has created a monster; my thumb is sore and swollen from a marathon game of "Kingdom Hearts" on Sunday. I'm finally comfortable with the controller. I had to give myself the rule of "No gaming until the chores are done!"
So I've been doing chores this morning. But I have a billion to catch up on. I HATE HATE HATE the phone - particularly calling docs because it's the runaround and the endless phone menus. I have THREE docs to call today, plus two reschedules. Five, yup, five annoying calls.
I need to get ahold of someone that can drive me around to my three docs to sign the damn forms for medical records.
... and this seems like fun:
Is it necessary for someone to tell you that they want to talk to you (in that "we need to talk" kind of way) and leave you hanging for an unknown amount of time?
I just got an email with that statement. Can we say "instant anxiety attack", boys and girls? I tried to call the sender of the email to establish a talking time. No answer and voice mail box is full. AAAAAAaaaaaaaaagggghhhhhh.
Someone kill me now.
I was doing so well. My moods were stabilized. *wimper*
Found via technomom:
President Bush, the First Lady, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell are flying on Air Force One. George looks at Dick, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dick curls his lip and sneers, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make ten people very happy."
Laura tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Colin rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country very happy."
Another I saw the other day:
Re-elect Bush.
Why change horsemen mid-apocolyse?
Poor Person's Ensure (a nutritional drink I'm supposed to have 16oz a day):
Silk's "Very Vanilla" Soymilk, Kid Fortified - chock full of healthy goodness. I LOVE it. A half gallon costs around $2 or so and lasts 3-4 days for me.
Ovaltine. Yup, Ovaltine! I would have never thought of it, but my hosts buy it and I read the nutrition label. One canister lasts a couple of weeks.
Add the Ovaltine as directed to 8 oz of the fortified soymilk. Tastes a hell of a lot better than Ensure (which comes in three basic flavors - chocolate chalk, vanilla chalk and strawberry chalk) and is sooooo much cheaper.
Hurrah! Now, I have to see if I can find Ovaltine in a flavor other than chocolate - I like variety in my foods.
******
I watched SciFi channel's version of Brave New World today. I happen to think they did a good job with it, and somehow Leonard Nemoy looks really hot in it (I'm a sucker for a guy in a skirt). Watching this movie reminded me very much of many of the polyamorous people I know and reminded me of my 4 years of living a lifestyle very much like the "civilized" people in the movie lived.
I'm much happier being savage. It doesn't feel so empty.
****
My hostess has taught me how to use the controller for video games. I've wanted to learn, but felt hesitant around the people I knew and was lost on my own. She set me up with Kingdom Hearts, which she described as like Final Fantasy only with Disney characters. Because it's geared toward young children, the game had a tutorial at the beginning. Now THIS is what I needed! I SUCK at fighting though. I just cannot grasp what is necessary to fight well. Mostly I just constantly hit X while trying to move the character around enough to keep from being hit. I'm SOOO not ready to attempt adding magic to the pathetic attempt of coordination I'm currently struggling with.
Yes, I'm 33 years old and just now learning to use the newest kind of systems.
I KICK ASS at Atari. *L* The last system I played on.
The Cure is playing in Phoenix on August 25 and I'm trying to not let it kill me that I won't be able to go.
*****
other random things:
Apparently, everyone has other things to do on a Sunday afternoon.
I've not mention where & who I'm staying with at the moment - I'm choosing to have only a select few know that info at this time. I *do* however, want to mention that the people who have taken me in have bent over backwards, sideways and upside down to help me out. Later, when I'm more comfortable with the knowledge being public, I'll make a public acknowledgement of the graciousness and generosity of these people.
I finally picked up medID bracelet. I have widdle arms - the tag on the bracelet is wider than the diameter of my wrist. I guess they don't come in "child size". But I thought Tom would be proud that I finally got at least a cheap one.
My hair is the longest I can remember having it in the past 10+ years. It's trying to be past shoulder length but is just long enough that my shoulders cause the sides to curl up. Looks like crap and it's damn annoying. But it *does* take a while to grow hair out from a mohawk. I need a trim.
I was watching DiscoveryScience channel today and saw some tribal people (okay, I wasn't watching all that closely - I have no idea who they were) with lovely markings on the womens faces. Just little half circles of dots under the eye - I think they were tats. I wish facial markings/tats/scarification didn't disappear under whitemanscivilization. I'd like to have those little dots. It was awfully cute. Can't see walking into the insurance company I work for with those - I wonder how well makeup covers tat ink. Of course, I'd try out the dots with a black eyepencil first; it might not look so cute on me.
Number 67 on things I hate:
I hate being in severe pain and not knowing if it's bad enough to go to the hospital.
There seems to be this certain pain level, roughly a 7 on the 0-10 scale, that just doesn't seem severe enough to deal with the B.S. of the ER room but is bad enough to make me miserable for a very long time.
I'm on a pain treatment. One that drops my FMS pain down to a 1-2 range. I wonder, then, is that "7" really only a "7" or is it being masked? Should I take a narcotic to dull the pain more, or will a narcotic mask a serious problem? Or, is my FMS making me feel more pain than I should be feeling for whatever is the body issue?
I hate going to ER. I've had to do it soooo many times that I've gotten to the point that I have to be actively afraid I'm dying before I'll go.
Usually I get an injection of narcotics, which doesn't really seem to help.
The pain is bad enough to see my Doc, but I don't know if it's bad enough for the hell that is ER. I've been at this "7" level of pain for over 36 hours. I guess if it was that serious it would have killed me by now.
Per myradars request:
Oh yeah, the epilepsy specialist apparently believes he knows more than my rhematology specialist - he told me fibromyalgia was a somatization illness.
Now, I grant that there are a lot of assholes out there claiming to have fibromyalgia. It's the "in" disease these days. On one hand, that's good... maybe it will generate more money for research. On the other hand, it bites... those that are actually diagnosed by a specialist are lumped in with the wannabees.
I didn't want this. When it was suggested to me that I may have this, I fought it. I, for one, hate to be in the "wannabe" group and, in my ignorance, believed it to be a crybaby disease - like most doctors.
Having this syndrome inflicted on me against my will is bad enough; having every doc outside of the field tell me it's all in my head pisses me off.
Yesterday was my b-day and was relatively uneventful except for the efforts on Arron's part. Saw the rhematologist - who said "Okay, see me in a couple of months."
Today was the new neurologist, who is an ass - but a highly qualified ass. I'm scheduled for a sleep deprivation EEG and a 7 day in hospital EEG called an EMU. I have no idea what that stands for.
I still have far too much to do.
Okay, Free Will Astrology for the of July 22 says:
You'll be glad to know you're coming to the end of the Suffering Season. If you've made it through these past few weeks with your sense of humor intact, you now have cosmic permission to give yourself a big shiny reward. To make the best of these last few days, carry Henry Miller's declaration around with you: "Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate, or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems painful can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such."
I WILL get through court. Even though I want to run away. I will learn something; I will find the silver lining.
I have to go to court this morning for driving on a suspended license, driving without a valid AZ license, failure to notify DMV of change of address, no proof of registration, and no proof of insurance. I *knew* I should have taken a different route to my destination. Personally, I think the cop didn't need to charge me three times for a driver's license issue. Two of the charges are felonies.
Since I was in the hospital, I haven't been able to talk to my court appointed attorney. All my paperwork is at my ex's and I haven't been able to get it. I feel sick. I'm frightened thanks to my imagination - I have no idea what will happen and was told my fine may include up to 2 days in jail. Ummm... do they send women to "tent city" (Arizona's lovely in the sun pitofhell for small offenders thanks to the craziest sheriff in the U.S.)? Arron has told me to just bring my hospitalization paperwork and see if I can get an extension.
Deep breath... I will face it as it comes. Even jail, if necessary.
As for my piling bills, everyone can just get in line.
Later, it's "bridesmaids shopping time". It sounds a little scary - but I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. I haven't seen Cynthia in forever, and haven't seen Dawn in a slightly less than forever time. They'll make it fun. I'm sure I'll laugh until I cry.
I've been gradually isolating myself since my illnesses have begun to affect me so strongly. I barely see anyone and I'm not always fun to be around.
I finally bit the bullet and applied for SSDI. I did not DID NOT want to admit to myself that I'm disabled. After the fibro exam left me blasted for four days (that trigger point test is hellish) I guess I should just accept it.
My birthday is Monday and I feel like I have nothing to look forward to regarding celebrating.
The only clothing I have is the same clothes I was taken to the hospital in on the 11th. I'm getting awfully sick of them.
Whine whine whine.
Last night we met up with Perry & others to detail SS's next video. We had a great time at PF Changs and ended up staying for hours. I laughed so hard that my stomach muscles began to ache. (but that's a good pain)
Well, I didn't post as often as I said I would.
I just got out of the hospital last night - was in since last week Sunday (9 days). Just going to recuperate. Learned a lot about how to take care of myself.
Had a very serious fibro flare up and was in a wheelchair for two days (at the hospital) and then on a walker for about 2.5 days. I'm on ever MORE meds now - had Roboxin and Seroquil added to the mix. My neurontin jumped big from 300 mgs per day to 1500 mgs per day. I was so helpless in the wheelchair and am glad I'm up and about now. Hehe... I even ran a little bit yesterday (potty emergency)!
tiredI'm still alive.
This past Monday, I got my official Fibromyalgia diagnosis from the Rheumatologist. I am now on FOUR neurological drugs. Hurrah *smirk*.
I'll be around about once a week now, I have an arrangement for comp access now. I'm still on disability leave and have finally moved out of the horrid apt I was in. My driver's license has been taken away. My boyfriend is still fabulous.
However, I just got finished with over 2000 email, so I'm not staying for long tonight.
Dimmit, at work we are required to participate in a "St. Patrick's Day" potluck. Past my usual rant about being forced into this event as a Pagan and a Scot, I don't like to cook food I'm unfamiliar with.
What can I buy in the grocery store that is A) meatless, B) already prepared, and C) suitable for lunch or as a dessert?
Still alive, home comp still dead.
Absolutely no privacy at new work… everyone and their blind dog can see when I’m on the internet.
Arron’s taking me to Vegas this weekend. I hardly ever see him lately; he works nearly 60 hrs a week. Guess it’s better than him not working at all.
I got a cottontail bunny – rescued. It’s a wee hoppity onry shit. Already had to move the fridge once. Currently, his name is Peter (pretty lame, huh?).
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