Changing |
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10:26am 28/10/2002 |
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I want to change my life, but they won't let me. They, the moving company. They are a day and a few hours late.
Now they have gotten here, dropped a few boxes and no tape and no bubble plastic, and asked ME to box everything, that is, to do the job that I'm paying them to do, while they go deliver other things to other people. Fuck. This is giving me a chance to cancel everything and look for another moving company, and I think that's exactly what I will do.
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Talking about changes, yesterday Brasil elected the first left wing president in history. This is the 4th president elected by the people since the end of military dictatorship. Luis Inácio Lula da Silva was a poor metal worker that migrated from the miserable northeast to São Paulo with his family when he was a kid. He doesn't have a finger, lost working at the factory. He founded Partido dos Trabalhadores, the worker party, and doesn't have a college degree. He has run for presidency four times, with a progressive increase of votings each time. He became very "light" left for this elections, in order to gain more votes. He made alliances with the right, but definetely still is a leftist politician, the first one that will occupy the presidency. And he still scared the rich, the market, the bankers, the neo liberals that want things to stay the way they are. But the people want change, and this time he won the elections. Democracy is Brasil is growing, although maybe artificially: voting is mandatory. However, one can see people's political conscience growing. This time, a lot of old rightist populist politicians that were in power for ages, have lost their positions. Brasilian people want changes, and they know that the neo liberalism didn't bring them. They want equality, social justice, education and jobs for all, not just for a few.
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In Brasil, the richest 1% of the population make monthly the same amount that the poorest 50% make. Someday that has to change, and the population is realizing that more of the same - i.e., the same kind of politicians that have always been in power - won't make the necessary changes. People are very hopefull that Lula will change things. On a personal level, that's the first time that a candidate that I vote wins. I don't think one person can change radically and fast that which took decades to get to the point it is. In this aspect, I have always been an anarchist: I never believed much in elections, because I don't belive that politicians have the power to change things WITHOUT changing the siystem. The sistem is wrong, it won't be Lula that will make it all perfect. You could put God as president; without changing the sistem, not even him would be able to do much.
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But we shall see. Maybe the people that voted for LUla will get disapointed when they realize how little he can actually do right away. But at least it is the beggining of a change, from neo-liberalism that put or kept millions of people in misery, to a more socially concerned political direction. Like I said, people have HOPE. And that's why Lula was elected. Brasil has already tried everything, from the military and dictatorship to the right wingers and populists. We just haven't tried the left, which have always existed but was never in power, until now. This is the last thing to try, and I hope it works. If it doesn't, I don't know what else to go or do, and I will go back to my anarchism and stop voting again. Like me, a lot of people are believing in Lula's government.
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On a logistic note, is good to say that elections in Brasil are electronic. You vote on a machine. The elections ended at 5 PM. At 7 PM the votes started to be counted. By 10 PM, aproximatelly 90% of the votes had been counted, and we already knew who was our next president. Brasil might be a 3rd world country, but in matters of democratic technology, we are way better than some of the big ones from up north.
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Now I will go back to my moving. Like the country, personally I also need to change... |
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Read 4 - Post |
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I'm back to myself! |
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10:07am 22/10/2002 |
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Hello, my LF friends!!!
I'm alive. Actually, more than ever.
I finally quit my job. After being diagnosed with chronic depression and rocks inside my belly (in a place near the liver that I don't know the name in english).
What attachment doesn't do to people... In my case, it was attachment to a salary. My job wasn't that bad, and the salary was good - but it wasn't for me. Afetr living in Hawaii, sleeping under the stars, running trails, being free, I moved to fucking São Paulo (no comments) and spent my days, long hours, inside a dark office, in front of a computer. Or in traffic.
I learned and loved internet life - but the geek lifestyle just isn't for me. It's got me. I got sick, unhappy, depressed. I knew I had to quit about a year and a half ago - but I was afraid of being poor. So I attached to the job and got even sicker.
Then it got to a point where it was either the job and the city or myself. I couldn't do any longer. So, after a 3 weeks vacation when I was myself, and I expanded, I had to go back to the dark office life (I'm not even going into the stuff I had to do lately at work, to which I didn't agree and even despised). And then, voila, I couldn't. I had to comprise my expanded self too much, every monday, to fit that job's mold. And after three weeks of being myself, I was just too expanded. I didn't fit my job anymore. Then, even before lunch, I went into my bosses room and quit. Simple like that. I worked for more a week and now here I am, starting a new business and moving to the south.
I will try very hard to never need a job like that anymore, and hopefully never get another boss. My business, where I do what I really want and like, is called LAVALMA (lava=wash, alma=soul). I'm starting with handmade natural soaps, and then I will go into the natural cosmetics. I'm also going back to university, to study agronomy, sustainable food sistems and permaculture.
Imagine there is a Y. This Y is my path. I was going through one side of the Y. But it wasn't going. It was as if the path was too narrow. I wasn't being able to go forward. I was feeling comprised. And it hurt. But I insisted, thinking that was the only way. Then one day I looked the other side realised the Y had two "legs". And I just turned and took the other leg of the Y. And then, the path was wide. It flows. I go. My life, now, is flowing. With the Universe. I took the path that was intended for me to take. I'm getting back to myself. Simple.
Some doctors want me to go to surgery to remove those rocks. Others want me to take prozac. As of right now, I'm not doing any of these things. First, I'm going to change my life, regain my health the natural way. I'm moving to the beach, where we are building a house. I will be an outdoors person again. I will run, surf, be naked under the sun, walk barefoot on the Earth. Plant, cook, love, study herbs and make soaps with essencial oils. I'm sure I will regain my health. And then, if I still need it, then I will do what the doctors suggest. But firts I will try the natural way, the path of internal healing.
I will be without a connection for a few weeks. But I'll get back to you, LJ friends. Some of you have been with me since the beggining of my internet life. I thank you for your being here.
Love love, hugs hugs. And light! |
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Read 5 - Post |
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10:07am 22/06/2002 |
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And this is my dog, Java, who's in Heaven of Dogs:
 |
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09:03am 22/06/2002 |
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I'm trying again.
This is the gay pride parade in São Paulo.
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01:17pm 07/06/2002 |
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Dear friends, bear with me, I'm just testing new places to store pictures.
This is me, many years ago, in Rio de Janeiro:
 |
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Read 9 - Post |
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08:37pm 06/06/2002 |
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(Let's see how long they'll let the pic stay here).
We did this. At work. To publish.
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The whole thing is here. It's called Guia de Posições Sexuais... |
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Read 1 - Post |
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05:14pm 05/06/2002 |
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I got this from mswoo And decided to answer because of the first question. I have so many r'n'r moments that it will be hard to choose one. Or to remember, for that matter. They are all in the very far away past. Kinda like Ozzy trying to remember - of course keeping the right proportions.
Also called my attention the fact that most of my answers will be very different from mswoo. I don't know how old she is, so I'm not sure if it's a matter of age, purely. But I won't speculate at that.
And I will leave blank the ones I don't have the answer for right now. I'll get back to it later
1. Most Rock'n'Roll Moment? (to be answered)
2. Most Beautiful/Cute/Otherwise Distracting? ?
3. Favourite song? Too many to list
4. Favourite band? It used to be Ramones and The Cramps. Very simple and obvious. Now I'm not sure
5. Favourite breakfast? Pancakes with maple syrup. And omelet with garlic, avocado, tomato and cheese.
6. Drink of choice? WATER WATER WATER
7. Most missed? My dog Java, who is now in the Sky of Dogs
8. Person who you meant to talk to and then didn't? João Gordo, from Ratos de Porão, whom I stumbled into at the supermarket last week and almost said hi, thinking it was someone I am friends with. He is not, but I see him a lot on his show on brazilian MTV, thus the familiarity
9. How many sunrises did you see? Probably a lot, but I don't remember any
10. Next year? Guarda do Embaú, darling
NOW, BACK TO STUDYING! |
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11:11am 05/06/2002 |
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IF we are master creators, as I tend to believe, WHY then is that I can't create enough money?
Does anybody have an answer for that?
Why in heaven, if I am a master creator, like every human being, I can't create what I need?
????? |
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Read 3 - Post |
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GLBT parade |
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05:58pm 03/06/2002 |
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Até que não foi assim tão difícil. I mean, it wasn't all that difficult.
Hey, yesterday we went to the gay parade here in SP. Actually, it was the GLTB pride parade. G is gay, L is lesbian, T is transexual, and B is me! Which is bisexual.
There was 400 thousand people there. More than at the San Francisco parade. It was grrrrreat. Husband almost found a boyfriend, the cutest dudes there hit on him, but he is not very sure of his bisexuality, so he shined the dudes and prefered to grab me. But he also almost grabbed a tranny's boob! He really liked the dude/chicks. And I really like the chicks tomboyish style. And then we concluded that he likes dudes that are chicks and I like chicks that are dudes, so we might as well be hetero and stick together.
I love my husband. A whole very LOT.
The parade:  |
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Read 1 - Post |
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05:45pm 03/06/2002 |
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This will be more difficult.
Em homenagem à Parada do Orgulho GLTB (gays, lésbicas, transexuais e BISSEXUAIS), na qual eu, o marido e mais umas 400 mil pessoas estavam presentes ontem, um belo domingo de outono em São Paulo, vou colocar aqui uma conversa que tive agora mesmo com uma colega de trabalho na qual conto o impressionante outing que tive o prazer de presenciar agora mesmo numa reunião de trabalho. Tem que ser muito macho pra responder afirmativamente, na frente de todo mundo, à pergunta "você é gay?". PARABÉNS, JU! ( there was an outing at a work meeting today... ) |
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about being mediocre |
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11:19am 13/05/2002 |
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I spent my whole life since I was about 13 trying to ruan away from mediocracy. I always had a huge fear of living a mediocre life. I wanted to be different, lifted from the ordinary.
I think that the time to do that is when we are in our 20's. It seems that in that decade we can try more things, and make more mistakes. The lifestyle doesn't take a heavy toll on our bodies, that still have the fast regeneration factor, like Wolverine. And that allows us to go hard, fast, deep. I think the 20's determine if our life will be ordinary or not. (Maybe even before: Rimbau wrote his best work when he was 16).
And that's one of the things that hit me hard when I met that girl. I was faced with "myself" 10 years ago. All the possibilities I had ten years ago, when I was on my 20's, sudenlly were shown to me. And I had to face the fact that I didn't take them when I was 23. I didn't live to fulfill what the possibilities inside me said I could be.
Ok, I know I'm being to hard on me and with the rest of humanity. We humans are mostly normal, mediocre people. But see, I always ran away from mediocracy, so I don't level myself by the rest of humanity. I have this idea that my life should be like one of a rock star, movie actor etc. It's hard for me to face my own mediocracy! Help! Lift me from here!!
What do you all think of that? Am I being extremely stupid? |
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Read 6 - Post |
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the conclusion |
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07:29pm 10/05/2002 |
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music: pj harvey - this mess we're in
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there's one or two.
the obvious: I went on too heavy. It was too much. Too serious. Too dramatic.
the second: I didn't show any of this. I didn't show anything. I didn't show that I liked her, that I wanted her. I didn't do anything. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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the story of that girl |
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07:01pm 10/05/2002 |
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music: (I can't help myself) i've gotta see you again - norah jones
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i'll give the whole story, because the story needs to leave some imprint in this world other than just inside my heart, and the story was like that:
one day I saw a picture in a magazine, of a girl that was a writer. a few months later I look the mag again and decide looking the site that it was written there. this night I can barely fall asleep. it made me drink. the chick was like me, ten years ago. but better. i got drunk and in love instantly. then i devised a plan. I didn't want to just send an e-mail saying "you are so cool", no, I didn't want to be one more of her blog's reader. so I decided I was going to write a zine. ok, it was not just because of her that i wrote the zine, but she stirred something inside me really bad, she inspired me in ways she will never understand, and maybe she doesn't even want to understand.
ok, so I wrote the zine, and I knew where she lives, because she says all the time on her blog, and it happened that she lives in my neighborhood, in fact only a few blocks from my house. then one day, zine in hands inside an envelope, wearing army boots as if I'm going to kick some dude's ass, I walk the few blocks up to her house. I'm a prepared girl, so I also have tape with me, and with the tape I glue the envelope to the waal near her postal box. and then I go take the bus to go to work and spend all day wondering if the rain didn't destroy the zine glued to the wall.
a few days later I get an e-mail from her. being that I sent the fucking zine to all my friends all over the country and nobody even said anything, but this girl that doesn't even know me did. and what she did say was that she really likes the zine and identifies a lot with me (i know, i know that, me too). so now she knows me, knows how cool I am and I'm not just another barney that reads her blog. then we esxchange a few e-maisl and find yet more things in commom. we have the same sign, are from the same city, we like john fante, bukowski, kerouac. we are bad ass chicks. we even fell in love for the same dude, about 10 years ago, probably at the same time, when I was 23 and she was 13 (don't ask). we are twins separated at birth, born 10 years apart.
then one day we finally meet over a pizza and a husband and a bottle of wine. we (I) get drunk. we eat tiramisu. I puke. we go to bed. my bed is huge, fits 3 easily. and we sleep.
next day we found out even more things in commom. if you understand astrology you will understand. we have the same sun and moon sign, in the same house of the map. the same rising sign. the same saturn with venus in taurus. or something equally freak like that. we both write. we both are pin ups. she is a 10 years younger version of me. she is just like I was 10 years ago: sex, drugs and r'n'roll.
but maybe she is rauchier. she writes a few times better than I do. and she sings. beautifully, awesomelly, in a way I will never do, because I can't sing, period. she does everything I did, but up a notch or two. drinks heavier than I ever did, and things that I never liked, like vodka. does drugs that I sure have done, but that know I despise and hate. she is like I was, but better.
she appeared in my life and it was like seeing me in a mirror. only the mirror showed me that I am NOT what I could have been. by meeting her I faced me in ways I would have never imagined.
I was faced with a better version of what I could have ever been. I felt that there was no need for me to exist anymore, since there was a "me" that was way better than me. everything that I could do and be to be lifted out of mediocracy, she could do also, but better. and she could also do things that I would never be able to.
and that's the story. it was extremely important for my life to have met her. and of course I would fall in love. I always said that I would marry myself if I ever met me. well, I did (somewhat). and I did. and life went the way life was supposed to be. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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that girl again |
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06:34pm 10/05/2002 |
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music: the nearness of you - norah jones
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now i wonder why, and how - was it because I have a husband? Did that fact made her not think or feel that we could like each other? Or that fact made ME not think it would be possible? I wonder IF I wasn't married would it be different? Or it's not the "marriedness" factor, but the disposition to love and live that I have now, which is almost inexistent? I no longer have the "guts" or the "wits" to do things, to do people, I no longer have the patience to pursue them - but I thought the simple fact of us meeting and talking and getting to know each other would be enough, and I wouldn't have to do anything else to be with her - but then now I think that I might not have been clear enough, because I didn't want to put any pressure, but maybe I just didn't make clear at all that despite the fact that I have a husband in my bed, she is very welcome there, and not only to sleep - but then again maybe that's too not nice for a girl to say, even though she likes not nice girls, and then I realized that maybe that was it, I wasn't not nice enough for that though chick that doesn't even know that I wanted her so badly |
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still that girl |
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06:18pm 10/05/2002 |
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music: shoot the moon - norah jones
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in the time I stopped writing here I think I fell in love. I didn't know that, but now, in retrospective, I know I did. But it lasted only a few days, because within a week I realized that she wouldn't love me, because she is the kind of person that is smart in a mean way, the kind of person that doesn't like nice people, and I am a nice person. I write here because I know she will never read this, because I really don't want her to know what I felt, because she would think I am crazy, and I am, because in the first day, which was the day before we saw each other for the firts time, afetr exchanging e-mails and zines, the day after we went out to eat a pizza and then we went to my house and I end up drinking two bottles of wine and getting really drunk and puking, and then we three went to bed and talked until we fell asleep (me first), the day after that we woke up and spent the day gardening and eating and playing in the plastic pool, and this day I couldn't stop imagining how good would life be together from now on, the three of us together, like a crazy madwoman I really thought that for reals it was gonna happen, but whithin the next week I realized how one sided was that crazy desire. |
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