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Saturday, March 30th, 2002
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8:39 pm
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| Friday, September 21st, 2001
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11:55 pm - and if i dont open the mailbox its not because i dont care.
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"Sweetness sings from every corner
Cars careening from the clouds
The bridges burst and twist around
And wanting something warm and moving
Bends towards herself the soothing
Proves that she must still exist"
while a songs lyrics may seem to cover the feelings you're experiencing at the time of hearing them, no words on earth could cover the way i feel now. i can honestly say that if she wanted me to, i would leave the state with her and drive away, turning into as many exits as we can and finding as many church roofs as we see. i realized tonight that this is it, the end of any growing i had left to do. experiences will change me, my appearance will alter... but my mindset is dry and done. this is me, this is my life and she is mine. the perfect ending to a perfect story.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 17th, 2001
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4:39 pm - checking pulse.....alive.
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smiles, blue, light touch, whispers, cd cases, smooth, smiles.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2001
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7:48 pm - on a side note... you're the most incredible person i've ever met
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there's always been knowledge of this point in life where stress and unimportant details becomes unrecognizable and your only focus is on what you love and enjoy. while i and most people consider this state of mind to be a fairy tale, im currently living it. and i cant imagine life without it.
current mood:  loved
current music: self - chameleon
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
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10:47 pm - thank god for athiesm
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it got to me. it really did. to the point of lying in my bed with the lights out and just clearing my mind of any thoughts and images.
mom told me that they needed a babysitter for the kids at church, to watch the kids whose parents will be watching the mourning service. but as i sat at the dinner table and took in several conversations and different opinions, i grew sicker and sicker. my sister called her friend over and shot out some sarcastic comment on "this week", and fell into her usual state of boys and gossip. I screamed at her in the car , on the way there. I asked her if this has meant anything to her, if this has allowed her to realize how trivial so many things are, and how important others can be. small things, like the five minute ride to church with your mother and sister, which on such a day of regret and sorrow, held anger and ignorance. my sister is dead, gone and can never open her eyes. not literally of course, but mentally. its so sad, because i used to see her so full of life and creativity, but now just an attractive shell of her old self.
is this what the end of the world will be like? is this the end? i almost cried tonight, and amazingly it wasnt because of this. it was because of something very incredible that has happened to me recently. something that may not happen to most people. i wish i could share it, and open everyone's eyes the way mine have. i wish this universal understanding could be passed to other people. but like me, its something that happens on its own. and if there was a god up there, a god capable of miracles and beauty, then this would be his working. but then again, so would yesterday.
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(comment on this)
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4:58 pm - we've all been painted with a thick coat of ignorance. they said it was skin when they put it on!
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what a day what a day.
i am, needless to say, currently in total disgust and appall with a good mass of our generation. a generation that has lived in security and safety for thirty years, and that are as of now ignoring what happened yesterday. ignoring the single most powerful "physical" thing that has happened to us since...well, the world war II. i suppose theyre taking the approach of "i dont know enough about it, so ill ignore it until they stop airing it on the news". i've got on thing to say kids, ignorance is not bliss. ignorance is ignorance, a word that will forever symbolize sickening, immaturity and ultimately failure.
in lamens terms-
we have just experienced something we read a few pages about in our history books. something that will provoke hundreds and hundreds of books. something that will have 3 or 4 made for tv movies and A&E; documentaries. we have just experienced a loss of quite possibly 10,000 or more lives. lives that held teenagers, babies, dying women, pregnant women, little kids and businessmen. i just dont know what to say so that people will realize the severity of what happened. this isnt the middle east, this is fucking 8 states north of us. this is here and this is now. can we fight a war? will we fight a war? will we know how to fight a war?
writing this down on my journal doesnt do justice, but im just venting some anger.
in reality, i'm very very happy today. and i hope this stuff doesnt affect me.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
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4:44 pm - rain coats feet and ants swarm beans
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ill take the obvious approach by simply saying how sickened i am at what happened today. there is absolutely nothing here on earth, whether money or politics or conflicts, that can be placed higher above human life, and life in general. who has the ability to say that political wars are more precious then a life, a life that has so many memories and left so many footsteps. nothing good can come of this, except perhaps making people question the importance of their own activities and time, and how they spend their life. when i woke up this morning, i had a bad feeling in my stomach. all day i had a bad feeling in my stomach. but when me and her sat under the blue roof talking, with old dirt water dripping near my feet, i completely forgot about what had happened today. it takes a lot to take something like this tragedy out of your conscience. and she did.
dont waste any time praying, dont be selfish.
if the legal age obliges, give blood. call people. talk to someone. maybe some people will take this as a sign, that routine can be interrupted. there is no neutral, so safety and no security. live on brothers and sisters.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 8th, 2001
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8:25 pm - memory lasting so little
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i hate to have this embarassing entry listed ontop of my previous entry. my senses and nerves are on fire, my nostalgia raging and longing for emotions continuing... i feel nothing, no pleasure or pain...just ignorance and a feeling of loss.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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1:25 am - fingers sand blue fluidity hope and the overwhelming feeling of total focus on one individual
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| Thursday, September 6th, 2001
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10:12 pm - in afterthought...
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as i was sitting there with a tired paintbrush in my hand and an unfinished school project in front of me, with the clock at 10 19 and the alarm in 7 hours and a shower in front of me, i stopped what i was doing and walked to my room and got that cd for her that i had forgot the previous day.
normally i am a selfish and lazy boy. it feels good to care about someone again.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 4th, 2001
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8:45 pm - words flew out of my mouth like homesick baby birds,some fell to the ground but a good 80% flew high
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you knows what it is, but for some reason socializing is easy for me now. and for my entire life, fitting in and conversing with others has always been a challenge. i feel like my entire body has had this surge of confidence shot straight through it, down the upper axis through my chest and out my feet.
quote of the day:
"when i was born i saved my placenta in a box. never let protein go to waste!"
-simmons
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 3rd, 2001
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9:24 am - nothing at all seems boring to me, and nothing seems too exciting.
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even simple things as sitting here on the computer with my dog lying under my feet and my sister knocking on the wall between us to turn down the music so her early morning sleep can begin now seem fulfilling, and i feel content. earlier this summer i had the idea that enjoyment came from finding enjoyment, and doing things to get it. but i dont think i believe that now, because even mowing the lawn could be enjoyable if you want it to.
sorry for these inside entries, theyre more for me then for you. and isnt that what it's all about?
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
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7:41 pm - they said i looked different, they said i spoke different, but most importantly, i felt different.
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the thin tissue-like shell of the cocoon whithers apart, cracking slowly to reveal something entirely new underneath.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 30th, 2001
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5:15 pm - my shirt was tight so i chopped off some flesh.
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two weeks of school done and buried, and although the chronological placement of english 3 isnt as ideal as i could have wished (right after 3 hours of art...its hard to get back in the academic frame of mind after being in a rightbrained one for so long), i think this year will be just fine and dandy. just recently, perhaps since my becoming an "upperclassmen" i realized that, these are the people who will be my friends for the rest of my life. when my mom goes to see her old "high school friend from north carolina", this is them - for me. i suppose now that the fork in the road of college is only 2 years away, my thoughts have strayed from the minute things like complaining about homework. what am i going to do with the rest of my life...and more importantly, does it really matter? why do i have to have a set path? do i really need to go to college, and if i did - would the art education do more bad then it did good, taking away more and more of any openmindedness that i have to make truly unique art?
i think fears of my future really hit home when mr.hansen handed us our art assignment for next week. i have to design a christmas greeting card for a corporation, the winner being granted 200 measly dollars. am i going to be able to drop all inhibitions and all of my own ideas, and do graphic design? because sadly, with the current state of art culture out there, thats the only way to make a lot of money. but then i realized, that i honestly didnt care at all about money. i would rather spend the rest of my life on the streets with a suntanned canvas and thin worn paint tubes in my pockets, eating crackers from the trash and drinking gutter water, living life as a starving artist, then design advertisement or corporate art.
what other options do i have? i could incorporate my writing into it and create books, or even take the approach i was telling jamie about... comic book watercolor real life books. its hard to explain, but maybe it could be good.
anyway, thats me.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: radiohead - high and dry/ flaming lips
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
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6:04 am - jealousy mixed with wine and dirt
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[this entry is from last night]
i was drawing a beautiful picture of a man engulfed with roots and the bush that grew around his head, and then my teapot shaped bastard spanish teacher took it. ill show her!! grr...I'll draw on ALL my papers! until...i fail. eh.
my thumbs swollen and unable to move at the joints and because of laurel i couldnt eat my lunch because there was spit in it, and jason tried to hurt my groin but he missed and never got it and nick is dork and eva had a damn unibrow and me and kelly drew ridiculous looking people/animals and eva actually had facial hair and i may be going to new york over spring break but hush its a secret and i like radiohead now and hot water music will be tearing my heart apart in just 2 weeks and holly still left me speechless (besides a feeble wave) and danny's turning into a stoned drunk who exchanges spit with whoever else is stoned and drunk and has breasts and sleep is beautiful and i need to go paint.
current mood:  giggly
current music: radiohead - dollars and cents
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 27th, 2001
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5:08 pm - fuck fuck fuck live journal and it's people with too much popularity for their own fucking good
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fuck live journal, you fucking whore cock smoking sluts.
alright, on a lighter note...
weekend was nice, i drove to jason's house with jessie and ate spaghetti and listened to music and went on the computer, all the while my obsessive father was shaking in his tight shoes and worried to death whether his son (who i guess doesnt have the ability to decipher what kind of drivers would or would not get in a wreck)is okay, since he doesnt know jason or jessie and thus deems them unsafe drivers. so after he selfishly ruined my night and made me come home, i picked up mitchell and went to blockbuster and we went to the kashnkarry parking lot and i got on his back and screamed and made several families take a second look. woke up at 8, took mitch to soccer, picked up rocky - went to chick file, went to my house, played video games, picked up will, went to go see jay and silent bob strike back, took rocky home took will to my house, played halflife, took will home, sat around restless for awhile, went back to will's house, went bowling with he and brooke, played pool, went back home, pornography, sleep, wake up at 2 in the afternoon and did absolutely nothing for the rest of the day. and i actually felt unaccomplished.
today was an uneventful day in which i was lashed out upon for wearing jeans. i guess i'm not a "jean" person. so much for a pleasant change.
bleh.
current mood:  cranky
current music: neutral milk hotel
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, August 24th, 2001
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8:08 pm - she thought about me and called even though ive been thinking about her every day for three years
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today i'll spice up my journal entries by using "key words" instead of describing my day in full. it should be a bit more mysterious then usual. as if i'm ever mysterious.
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pubic hair, alex, administrator, detention
kelly, yeast infection
hape, stump arms, aki, slutwhore
walked away, ignore, confusion, denial, eleana
beautiful girl, dumbfounded, nervous and stupid, holly
repetition, boredom, painting, still-life, hansen
anime, cult, sad, kick em in the face
phone call, answering machine, voice, stomach hurt, brit.
brit.
brit.
augh.
current mood:  distressed
current music: minutemen - double nickels on the dime
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
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4:51 pm - hola? hola.
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why is it that when people havent seen you in five months, they dont notice striking changes in your appearance (like say, that i've grown three inches ) but rather minute and pointless details that even my own mother wouldnt notice. "Say eric, you have two watches!" Well no shit!! Seriously, at least four people noticed and remarked on the out-of-this-world occurrence of wearing two watches.
i'm actually looking forward heavily to this year. my social disease is creeping away and despite still shying away from group conversation, i find myself actually wanting to talk to people.
kelly is in fucking four classes with me, which is absolutely wonderful. and although her joy in tearing at my nipples is unbearable, i think we'll have a hell of a lot of fun this year, whether it be humping teachers from behind or singing with Mrs.Hape, the half retarded (sorry) spanish teacher we have who joys herself in waving around her stumplike arms and singing out spanish words and ending every sentence with "lalalalala". It's something you kind of have to see to believe.
i share a few classes with jamie as well, who looked stunning in her size-fashioned cure tshirt. she got back from england yesterday...what a slut. i never get to go anywhere alone.
the hallways are filled with freshmen in awe of the newfound freedom they have. i personally think we need to designate a "kick the freshmen" day. i can just imagine the sight of walking through a hallway and seeing a pintsized ninth grader hurling at full speed to a wall. i joke i joke, i have nothing against freshmen, and in no way hold them under myself. speaking of freshman, i saw nothing of eleana today. maybe tomorrow. maybe tomorrow. (i dont speak of her much on this journal, not because she's not important but because privacy is held sacred)
for some reason, for the first time in a few years, i dont feel insecure...at all. this is a good thing i think.
current mood:  energetic
current music: the smiths - louder than bombs
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
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9:44 pm - crooked teeth made better by a crooked doctor
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and as all you cruise the streets at night, the star's gaze transcending upon the hoods of your cars like a fresh coat of paint, and your head if falsely filled with an ideal sense of safety, beware! for prowling like a lion is that which they refer to as "eric", his newly printed driver's license still hot from being shot out of the laminator clutched tightly in his hands and a calm smile on his face. because he knows that like those with nervous fits and anxiety attacks before him, he has beat the expected. he got his fucking license.
more to come after a brutal first day of school.
current mood:  rejuvenated
current music: chariots of fire on repeat in my head
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
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12:20 pm - bicycle bicycle bicycle! whhirrr!
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last night i told her that i didnt believe in god and she didnt handle it quite as well as i had hoped. is it really fair that she can get mad and offended, when all i can do is plea my case. why am i the minority? she, being the christian, has almost an entire nation behind her, while i have a select few individuals who are all looked down upon just as much as me.
it was a choice to question what was taught to me. it was a choice to reject it all, despite that growing tug in the back of my mind that reminded me of the consequences of rejecting god. hell, damnation, forever pain. these are all things one doesnt take for granted, unless he is totally sure of what he believes. and i am. but this is my belief, a personal private belief. and why cant everyone recognize and respect this?
so now i suppose i dont have anyone...again. back to the old hand.
in other news, tuesday at 8:30 am i try out for my driver's license. needless to say, im terrified beyond comprehensible thought. just imagining someone in the car with me, analyzing my every move and glance makes my stomach tight and sore. passing would open up a whole new world to me, one of which parental restraints no longer exists, and the only limit is gas to burn. failing would be expected. maybe i can break the expected. pray for me.
current mood:  crushed
current music: queen - greatest hits
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