| Disappearing You |
[04 Sep 2002|11:18pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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the style channel's on |
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If you are lucky, a man will dump you.
That is, he will take you somewhere, or call you on the phone, and tell you, straight out, in so many words, that it is over.
More often than not, though, he will not be so direct and you will not be so lucky.
More often than not, he will not bother to tell you.
He will, instead, freeze.
Or zigzag.
Or dash and hide.
Or he will simply disappear you.
Disappearing you means he will behave toward you as if he has told you that it is over, behave as if you have had the conversation in which he says, audibly, and to your face, that, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to see you anymore and that he would prefer it if things could go back to the way they were before you became involved: in other words, that he would like to be friends now.
The problem with being disappeared is that you have not had this conversation yet.
You have not been told yet that this is what he is thinking, that this is what he has decided.
To have this conversation would mean that the man you would have had it with would only be guilty of being an asshole.
Not also guilty of being a coward.
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| yay |
[26 Aug 2002|09:55pm] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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watching delicatessen on the teevee - kinda |
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things are good. i can't believe it's almost september though. time has really been flying by.
my relationships with my friends are the best that they've ever been. i've been so much better about really communicating with everyone. what a difference that can make.
i've been dating a few guys and one of them i may just really like. but it's been fun meeting and going out with new people. i think it's really helping. it's weird - this time last year i couldn't even fathom the thought of talking to a new person. i don't know what happened, but i sure am much happier now.
maybe me giving S a second chance was a really good thing. actually, i know it was. he and i breaking up that second time gave me all the closure i never got the first time around. it opened my eyes to a lot of things. maybe i should thank him one of these days ;)
tons of great shows are coming up and have just passed. so that's been a good thing. we saw cornelius last week - it was absolutely amazing. i think that had to be one of the best live shows i have ever seen. i was still smiling for hours afterwards. yay!
N and i are seeing beck this week. that should be cool. plus we'll get a chance to hang out and really talk. it's a bummer they had to get laid off. i've been lost at work without her. no one to gossip with all day long!
gus gus is coming as well - i am super excited about that. weeeeeeee!
also, we're gonna go pick up tix for public enemy, dilated peoples and blackalicious tomorrow. what an amazing show that will be. it's all too good to be true!
anyways, i have another date on wednesday with yjg. i know - i just saw him on saturday but he said he wanted to see me again before i left on saturday for new orleans. how could i say no to that?
=P
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| bands to see live before i die |
[04 Aug 2002|11:35pm] |
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mood |
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giggly |
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* lamb
* morcheeba
* gus gus (coming to town in september!)
* everything but the girl
* portishead
* primal scream
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| billy |
[23 Jul 2002|11:57pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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saw billy idol tonight at the warfield. he's still so hot.
yummie!
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| stuffed |
[14 Jul 2002|10:16pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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curve. gift. |
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l and i ate dinner at shalimar tonite. yes, we braved the lines, the crowds, the stinking haze and actually went with the intent to sit and eat there. while we were in line, someone swooshed us down the back alley into a secret room where they had set up a few tables. very weird. it could probably fit 7 or 8 people, but all sitting with each other. it was like a living room or something. tee hee. the guys that came in after us insisted on trying to have conversations with us. then they asked us to the bastille day festivities. i told them we didn't do crowds but thanks. wait, i just made up that but thanks part. i'm sure i didn't say thanks. =)
geesh. never a dull moment in that shalimar joint. and i keep going back for more!
i had lunch with c today. i haven't seen him in forever so that was good. he seems to be doing well. yay!
so that was too much eating out for one day. but since i have NO food at my place i guess it's excusable. maybe i'll run to trader joes tomorrow at lunch. i hate grocery shopping.
on another happy note. i did laundry today. and i washed my bedding. it's become a weekly or bi-weekly ritual since i can now see all the kitty hair on my new duvet cover. it bothers me to no end, so i have to wash it every week. now i have clean sheets to sleep in. that makes me very very happy.
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[30 Jun 2002|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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music |
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saint etienne |
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sometimes my kitty is so cute i can't stand it. everytime i wash my duvet i throw my comforter on the floor. no matter how it lay, she always manages to crawl inside it somehow and fall asleep. for hours. and then when i try and look at her, she pokes her little head out and starts talking to me all sleepy-eyed.
she's so funny.
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[27 May 2002|12:04am] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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jesus and mary chain. stoned and dethroned. |
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you know how you think you know someone, really know someone and then they completely suprise you. and you wonder, did you ever have any clue as to what they were all about? it's just strange to me. and i don't know why it suprises me. it probably shouldn't. i haven't met very many 'real' people in my life. i don't really surround myself with a lot of people for this reason. i thought this one was real, true. maybe he is - who knows. maybe he just has too many deeply rooted issues to weed through. even though, i don't believe he wants to try to do that. i guess i just never thought, he could treat anyone the way he treated me. and don't get me wrong, it's not anything completely awful. i guess i thought i deserved more..............
i'm usually wrong though. i think i just need to stop expecting anything from anyone. that way i'll never be disappointed, right?
hmmmmm, maybe i'll give that a try and see how it goes.
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| just stuff |
[19 May 2002|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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music |
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lamb |
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ahhhh, another rainy sunday. i love those! it felt okay to sleep until 11:00 this morning. too bad i actually had to leave the house and run errands. i love lounging around on those rainy days. anyway, i did get alot accomplished this weekend - which is good. even with the friday night shennanigans it all worked out!
we went to walmart, ross, old navy, and safeway this afternoon. then i met r for dinner. whew!
now i have to get ready for a busy week. i can't believe i have something planned every single night. sometimes i hate that. i feel like i don't even get a second to breathe. i also have to prepare for my french final. ohhhh, but i'll get to see the cute boy in my french class =) if im feeling brave, maybe ill invite him to the show we're going to that night. heehee. we'll see.
i was thinking last night how it's kinda wierd that i've completely cut S out of my life. i think it's a good thing, but its just weird how someone can be such a big part of your daily life and then all of a sudden - poof - they aren't there anymore. it was hard at first, and i think there will always be a part of me that misses him. but most days i don't even think about him anymore. its just strange, that's all.
well, i guess i should try studying!
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[27 Apr 2002|04:09pm] |
i dreamed about you again last night
you never have the same face twice
but i always know it's you
and you're always looking better than you really do
and i walk around the whole next day
feeling like i've still got something to say
but i don't know what it is
i don't know how to reach you even if i did
do i wanna hear that you forgive me?
do i wanna hear you're no good without me?
am i big enough to hear
that you never even think about me?
why should you ever think about me?
and i thought that i'd outgrow this kind of thing
tell me, aren't we supposed to mature or something?
i haven't found that yet,
is this as grown-up as we ever get?
maybe this is as good as it gets
years may go by,
i think the heart remains a child
the mind may grow wise,
but the heart just sulks and it whines and remains a child
i think the heart remains a child
why don't you love me?
why don't you love me?
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[26 Apr 2002|09:41pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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saint etienne |
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death valley was amazing! god, i love going to places like that - it's amazing to think that these are the remnants of how the earth may have looked billions of years ago.
anyway - i can't wait to see how my photos turned out. i'll drop them off tomorrow and try and pick them up sometime next week when i have some money. of course i spent tons of money on the trip so.......
now i have to think about whats next. i hate that - it's easier for me when i have something planned, some new experience to look forward to. i want to think about really saving some money for something other than travel, but i know that will be hard. i really want to travel as well - but that might be difficult since it's only april and i've now used up 1/2 my vacation time for this year. oops! we'll see. i think i want to focus on really paying off my cc's so i can be completely out of debt. and then maybe i'll just plan a small side trip or something. i got bumped off my flight on my way to vegas so i have a voucher on america west. that may come in handy!
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[02 Apr 2002|08:01pm] |
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mood |
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giddy |
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music |
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eels |
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i've been busy planning a trip to death valley. i've wanted to go there for as long as i lived here and just kept putting it off. so, it's about time! i'm excited. i keep finding more and more stuff for us to check out. there is going to be a harley ralley in beatty, nv (where our motel is). that should be interesting. we're also going to stay one night at the amargosa opera house and hotel in death valley junction. there's nothing there. the nearest place to eat is 10 minutes away. on phones or tvs or anything, however we will get to see marta perform at the opera house. heeeee. we're going to have sooo many photo opportunities we're not going to know what to do with ourselves! i can't wait!
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[27 Mar 2002|11:05pm] |
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mood |
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 devious |
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why do people insist on putting on lots of awful smelling perfume? do they think they actually smell good? i don't understand.
we just saw harry connick, jr. yes, i said harry connick,jr. yummie i say.
anyway, these two women came in late and sat right behind us with their cheap, stale, just put way too much on perfume. i felt like sneezing and then the smell just made me sick to my stomach. g got a bad headache. geesh. nothing like cheap scents to put a damper on your evening!
other than that, the concert was great! i love all those horn instruments. yay!
well, off i go..........
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| second chances |
[23 Mar 2002|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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thirsty |
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music |
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cranes |
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i wonder if people who get second chances really deserve them? it seems for the most part they don't. i gave someone a second chance not too long ago, and have now found myself back in the same place in my life where i was a year ago. i really didn't ever want to be in that place again. and i guess i should blame myself for giving the second chance. he just simply asked for it - it can't hurt to ask right? i was the one who said yes - even though i wasn't the one to ask for it. so i'm the one that gets hurt again right. sure.
i'm sure in his case, it was wanting something you can't have. once he had it, it wasn't really what he thought it would be so he didn't want it anymore. that's fine when it's a material thing, but when people's feelings, emotions, and futures are on the line maybe some more thought should be put into it.
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| rain, rain |
[17 Mar 2002|11:47am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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i woke up early this morning to the sound of the rain outside. it made me really happy. i've always loved the rain for some strange reason. i lay in my bed this morning listening to the rain fall, drifting in and out of sleep. the wind changed directions and soon it was splattering from my window sill onto my face! sometimes it's just the little things that make me smile.
i haven't been able to sleep well for the last few days. hmmmm, i wonder why. i woke up at 7 and lay there until 9. then i read for a few hours and finished my book. i reread A Wrinkle in Time. i've had this recent fascination in rediscovering childrens books. last year i read the Narnia chronicles (C.S Lewis) - you know - the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. did you know there are actually seven of those books! (thanks ceh!)
there are four books in the time series, and since they are such an easy read i'm sure i will have the remaining three read in no time! what a perfect day for reading. although i believe it may have stopped raining which is kind of a bummer because i really wanted to go walk around in the rain. i love doing that, especially when i don't have to be somewhere and worry about getting wet. maybe it will start up again. i guess i should get my lazy self into the shower for now.
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[17 Mar 2002|01:54am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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i went out with S&M; (not that S&M;!) this evening, even though I didn't really want to leave my bed because it's so damn cold out. brrrrr, i say. i had to wear my leather pants just to make sure i stayed warm! it was fun though. we went to see a few local bands play at the peacock lounge on haight street. i had never even heard of the place before - it was quite amusing. the bands weren't bad either - surprise, surprise! at least i got out of the house. heh. but now it's off to my cozy bed because i'm still shivering from the cold!
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| Decay |
[31 Aug 2001|04:57pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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Drifting softly
Riding shadows
Let me drift away
Closing my eyes
Wandering so far
Trying to stop this slow decay
I'll never be the same again
Silence fills me
Sweet infusion
Let me start to fade away
Rising higher
And no longer
watching myself in slow decay
I'll never be the same again
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| monday again |
[13 Aug 2001|09:40pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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ivy. long distance |
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monday's almost over. again. this one wasn't so bad. i was still feeling kind of motivated after keeping busy all weekend. of course that fades as soon as i walk into the apartment. i had grand plans of being productive and going to the grocery store or doing laundry - both of which i need to do badly. i didn't do neither. so here i sit.
i think i am actually going to write letters (or at least one) tonite before i go to bed instead of watching tv. i hate that i've been using the television as a means of falling asleep. i haven't read a book or written a letter in ages. we'll see what happens.......
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