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Tuesday, June 18th, 2002
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11:25 pm - wanted to see what crap I had written last....
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I've just come to the conclusion that I'm giving up on the search... the only problem is, is that I know I'm giving up intentionally because the word is, is that, if you're not looking, it will come to you, so I'm not looking... everyone hear that? i'm not looking! I've also come to the conclusion that all boys are the same in more than the obvious ways... and that's too too bad. I should just cut and paste my emails to Kevin on here.... we've been writing back and forth a lot, and it's a pretty detailed outline of my life this past week.... but he hasn't written me back... hmmm....
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| Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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8:47 pm - Rad boys are so rad!
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So, there's this boy that could easily convince me to move on from B even if we don't "talk." The only problem is that they're friends, but he's so adorable... AND, he responds to my emails! I don't know him really well, but that's okay... that's the best thing is to get to know someone that you really want to get to know, and they don't make it difficult (translation: they want to know you better too). So, he's offered to help move me on Sunday. He even asked his friends to help me, but they haven't responded, so that means I know who he asked. We are going to go out downtown and drink it up and then we can crash at my apt. since it's going to be so close to the bars! yay! That'll be rad! But, first things first, he'll be an awesome friend to have around.
Oh, and how weird is it that I'm moving and both Mark and Melinda (the people that used hold very high places in my life) don't even know?! My life has changed quite a bit!
current mood:  jubilant
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| Monday, April 29th, 2002
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9:43 pm - time for to vent... even if it is to myself
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I want to thank Robb and Jesse for listening to my "What tha FUCK" tantrum last night after The Faint (which was the greatest show EVER), but I feel that it was necessary, and now I need to do some analyzing. So, others seem to think that B is keeping his distance to make this thing look like it's not a big deal. It's not. I know that. I just think he thinks I think it's more. Ya dig? So, I really just want to talk to him, but he won't let me get close to him... close enough to talk one on one. I have no problem with it. I just don't want to freak him out and request an evening out over beers and shit. Oh, and I looked back on some previous emails, and they were all about drinking and not calling back and the same shit. But, that gets into relationship complaints (including friendships). I just want to make out... snuggle... fuck... be naked and comfortable. Geez, I wish I could send this to B, and actually get a response... just that last sentence.
AGAIN, he asks me this question to share (ah-hahahaha "keep him posted on") my thoughts with him... here's my thought... "What tha fuck!"
Here's what I wonder... (don't question it- just read it)
If we could talk to each other... if I could corner him... as Jesse suggested...
Would I ask him what he thought first or would that make it so if we had the same answer, he would assume I was just agreeing with him? Would we talk about what he wants or what I want? What does he think I want? The assumption thing kills me... Like he's cool with things, and won't talk to me about it because he thinks I might not be? and by the way, if he doesn't want to just make out and snuggle free from worry, I'd be ok with it... I know it doesn't seem that way... but I just want an answer to his own damn question... damn it.
current mood:  frustrated
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12:56 am - The Faint
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| Friday, April 26th, 2002
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3:47 pm
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I had a dream last night that Mark asked me for a "second chance" and I laughed at him. It was unnervingly satisfying...
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| Thursday, April 25th, 2002
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11:29 pm
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Haven't heard anything today. No email or phone call. I think that if I haven't gotten a response from my email by Sunday... it's ok to ask casually why B hasn't responded.
Oh, and K told me that Beck has the same birthday as him and B. What are the chances? It's an intricate game.
current mood:  sleepy
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| Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
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11:17 pm
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"Distance indeed makes the heart grow fonder. Even if your tribe is scattered, you can still keep in touch. This is a good time to send an email or make a phone call, Gemini. Despite promises to communicate from both sides, it seems as though the responsibility of keeping the lines of communication open has fallen on you. Take this opportunity to discuss the things that you'd rather be doing, and why you're not rich and famous yet. Teachers have a hard time holding their students' attention."
This horoscope thingy is making me crazy. If I actually believe what it says, I should "send an email or make a phone call." Communication has fallen to me. Megan thinks that sexual attraction and physical attraction are the same. I don't think so. Maybe because I'm right smack dab in the middle of sexual attraction (based on curiosity), but still questioning physical attraction. I think it's too soon for me and for "us" ha-ha-ha to even think about emotional attraction. Back to the sexual thing. I still feel in my head that there is more to explore. It's a weird infatuation based on a dream. I don't think I've been single long enough t get into all the shit about *beyond infatuation*. I just think there is more to know. I think there is a reason for everything, and I think there is a reason that people were in the room and things went only as far as they did. I think that the minimum shown to me was a tease... not from B, and not intentionally, but for some other reason unknown to me. As much as it shouldn't be... now that he is involved... it's a game. It's a good thing to deal with. I'm not sad about it. I am looking forward to more gaming. hehehe. flirting would be an appropriate word. I didn't hear back from him today on the email I sent him. He replied to a short forward that I sent, so I know he's not ignoring me (yet). But, since I'm as curious as a cat, I can't help but constantly wonder what he is thinking about things and about the email. I'm still overwhelmed by the fact that he sent a vague email. Well, I guess it makes sense since he sent the first email, and didn't want to be pushy or scare me by revealing too much. things just have to be fair, so I have to be the same all the way through. I can share a little at a time too. The thing is -is that -I shared a bit in this last email *****The playtime part seems kinda surreal... don't know why... maybe cuz I was so sleepy... maybe because it was you. I actually never expected anything to happen. It's not a bad thing. The night we had sushi with Robb and Willie... I had this dream about you.... you know how overwhelming your subconscious can be. I was going to tell you about the dream, but never really got the chance, plus I forgot. :) Made me curious. I can't say my curiosity is completely satisfied, but this weekend helped. One day I'll tell you about it in person. Can't help wonder what would've happened if there hadn't been roommates*****, and haven't heard back... That was just today that he read it anyways.... Obviously I'm impatient.
current mood: impatient
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| Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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10:59 pm - worked up so sexual
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NYC was so good! Wish I had time to detail it tonight, but I don't. b and I had a couple of interesting moments.... it was good. again... it was good. not extensive. but good. it's funny and insulting to the past all in one. I'm amazed for one that he actually knows where to put his fingers. That's about as far as it went, but yummy. It was so nice not to have to give directions or draw a map! hehehe! I'm still curious... if there hadn't been roommates with us in NYC, what would've happened? b sent me an email today. He said he was going to call... the verdict is he's either trying to not make a big deal out of anything, or that he's scared, or that he wants to know how I feel before he shares with me how he feels, regardless if it's more involved or the same or nothing. I don't want a relationship, but sex is good. I can't help it. It's actually really weird to be in this position personally. I feel strong, but also i feel out of all control! Something is bound to happen if the chance arises... he hasn't seen my new underwear, so it has to!
current mood:  optimistic
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| Friday, April 19th, 2002
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2:48 pm - nyc!
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I leaving for nyc in about 4 hours, and I'm actually nervous. I don't really know how I feel about the flight part of the trip, but when I get there I don't want to be stressed out about what is going to happen. I don't want to be smothered, and I don't want to be overwhelmed... I just want to be relaxed and calm and happy... the way a vacation is suppose to be. I don't want to have to deal with any kind of boy crap. I want to enjoy this trip, and I don't want to be put on the spot... like with whether or not k should stay with us... I wish that he would just assume that he's Not staying. Life would be simpler.
current mood:  anxious
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| Sunday, April 14th, 2002
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11:52 pm
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I think K is going to be around a lot this weekend. It's a good thing because he's one of my best friends, but it's also going to be odd and possibly attention stealing from the picture in my head. I know what I want and I think that it may come up on the plane ride that k is going to be around a lot and I'm kinda questioning it. Hmmm....
Oh, and I bought underwear! It matches. I heard that's what boys like.
So, with underwear I'm set. With everything else, who knows.
Oh, I'm amazed that this person can appear in my head and things just "fall into place" and things "work" like they are suppose to... things weren't always like that, even when I was in love.
current mood: sleepy
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2:56 am
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I talked to Brian and Kevin tonight on the phone about plans for nyc. What are the chances that I would talk to people with the same birthday on the same day? I was also thinking that if either of them got into my livejournal they wouldn't know who I was talking about all this time and may assume wrongly. Not that I'm going to let my secrets fly, but that's irony for you. I guess maybe I only understand that. I am concerned however about this weekend. Kevin's going to be around a lot... A LOT. I don't know how things will function. I guess I will just have to roll with it, and see what happens. I don't want anyone to assume whats not real. And, I want people to assume what IS real... well, if real is what's going on in my head. As long as I'm grounded and/or intoxicated things will be fine!
oh, and I want to go to the new contemporary museum in nyc this weekend.
oh, news... Kevin's moving back to Raleigh this summer. prolly in with his ex-girlfriend/lesbian. He wants to open a pub eventually. That'll be cool to be able to hang out whenever we want. I will also be in Raleigh in less than a month! How bizzarre that I'll be back!
In the grand scheme of things my mindset is minor... I guess it's actions that count.
current mood: concerned
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| Saturday, April 13th, 2002
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4:06 pm - What's a gurl to do?
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"You should know by now that sweeping it under the rug doesn't make it go away, Gemini -- it only creates an unsightly pile just under the surface. Problems shrivel up and blow away only when all concerned parties are willing to get them out in the open and talk about them. For once, the advertisement accurately reflects the product. Coming from the right sources, factual advice is priceless. When seeking advice, consulting a professional should be your first choice, with friends and family members following in close second"
So much for the horoscope a few days ago (see below) now they're telling me that I shouldn't hide my feelings, and that happened to be my original plan... hmmm. Now I'm suppose to "get them out in the open." Does that mean before nyc or what? And, when I consulted my friends, they said drink a lot and it will fall into place... well, that's what I said. My mouth may betray me if I drink enough, and that could be a good thing since I'm not as brave as my mouth is when it's intoxicated.
oh, and Robbot will have some (more than 2) drinks this weekend! We can all take care of each other!
current mood:  confused
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1:21 am - schemin'
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i talked to some girls (and guys-who weren't very helpful, by the way) about my scheming plan in nyc. They all think that alcohol is the way to go. not too much and not too little. And, a little flirtatious touching here and there. i think the alcohol is for me, so I will actually open up a little and say some shit that I wouldn't normally say. oh, and just to get him loosened up a little.... geez.... I'm out of practice.
oh, and no monkey pajamas... sniffle sniffle.
current mood: devious
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| Friday, April 12th, 2002
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12:04 am - I am so brave!
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Today I got a tb test at work. I couldn't really feel it though. Kathryn gives good shots.
And, I may have cat scratch fever. I might know in about a week. Funny thing... they have to send the blood to the Vet School at State, so when the nurses call for results, they ask for the pet's name. I'm the pet.
I hope my dreams come true, but the problem is my horoscope... (see below). Should I even believe that stuff... even if it is pretty close to truth...? ponder ponder ponder
I hate rejection. I've gone from the curious interested stage to the stage of worry and concern that my heads in the wrong place. (and in real life nothing has changed) If it stays there I'm afraid that I won't be able to settle on a thought. Then what? Okay, I'll just sit back and wait and see... no expectations. no ecspektashuns. no rambling in my head.
If I only had some nurve.........
I need a beer.
current mood:  pessimistic
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| Thursday, April 11th, 2002
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7:16 pm - those damn horoscopes!
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"You'd like nothing more than to live in the world of dreams, but considering the important tasks you have on your plate today, that simply isn't possible. Your unconscious mind should be on a short leash for now, Gemini. Make an effort to know how you feel, and think about whether your feelings help or hurt you. Right now, gravity is a force that must be treated with special respect. Don't look down unless you're ready to fall."
I guess I should note the number and intensity of these dreams I keep having... they are affecting the way I think and feel. I wonder if I really feel this way... or is it just convenience? I guess I will know with more exposure.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Tuesday, April 9th, 2002
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7:42 pm - wheezer
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12:04 am - Truth... or dare?
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I couldn't fall asleep last night because this game kept running through my mind... a certain seduction. Could my friend Robbot instigate such an encounter through a mere dare?... surrounded by coral tile in the hotel bathroom with this person that will be around... just hanging around with his friends admiring the lights of the nyc nightlife from the window in our 14th floor room, beer in hand, not suspecting a thing.
The dare is complete... a success! The door opens from the bathroom, and they hear her say, "we should do that again sometime."
current mood:  giddy
current music: lamb: sweet
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| Monday, April 8th, 2002
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12:00 am
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I've been a naughty gurl for not writing in so long, and I have so much to write about that no one should ever read.
current mood:  calm
current music: Sex is personal-the faint
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| Monday, February 4th, 2002
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10:35 pm - crappy crap
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My horoscope:
You've been holding back long enough, especially when it comes to issues that are near and dear to your heart. Consequently, it's time to express yourself. It would be much better for you to rock the boat now that it would be to let it sink later on, when there's no safe harbor in sight. If you're direct and honest, the anticipation will be much worse than the actual effects. And once all the ugliness is behind you, you'll probably find that much better times lie ahead.
02.04.02 Questioning what is going on with Mark? we aren?t dating, and he hasn?t called since I saw him on Thursday?Does this mean I should bring up things next time I talk to him or what? I'm a strong person, I thought... am i pathetic?
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| Monday, December 10th, 2001
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12:43 am - 518
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yay! Robb came to see me at work! Then I went out after a long and uninteresting spurt of nothingness...
I didn't get home til 8:30 am on Saturday morning. shew! Rachel, Joey, and this guy Stephen... anyway... we had fun! yay!
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