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[04 Mar 2004|09:17pm] |
May
Which month are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Part of me will always be waiting...
Show tonight went pretty well. I'm excited for the spring play...
Today was very unique. interesting...
Everyone come see the show!!! It plays tomorrow and Saturday night at 7
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[26 Feb 2004|08:05pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
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Opening night is one week from today. I think we'll be ready by then. We just need to smooth everything out. Tonight was pretty awful...but Ms. Rice is kind of bipolar like that. She was happy at the end.
Today during lunch Stephanie, Amber, Kortnee,Scott and I went to the auditorium and Scott turned on music and put fancy lights on us while we sang on the stage. It was a beautiful moment. We sang sappy love songs and got sad because none of us have boyfriends except Amber.And I got to switch into 4th period Drama 2. Yay now I'm with so many wacky drama kiddos. I've been hanging out with Stephanie and Amber and Kortnee alot lately and they make me very happy. I like Stephanie so much. We're going to be roommates in college in Chicago. And she let me wear her black sunglasses today when I was sad about Bry.
All I can do is wait...wait until the day he realizes we're meant for one another.
The ski retreat should be fun this weekend. Katie and I will do lots of bonding. And I shall be her sleeping buddy.
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| The passion |
[26 Feb 2004|07:27am] |
The Passion of Christ...
Devastating. I wanted to run out of the building and just keep running until I got home. But I forced myself to stay and watch. And the entire time I thought..."And to think...if I were the only person in the world, he would go through all of that just for me. Oh my gosh, he loves me...so much." I'm forever changed by this film.
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[21 Feb 2004|10:22pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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music |
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yellow butterfly |
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Bleh, I'm sick. And my whole body hurts.
I know that I've been distancing myself from people. Not a whole lot...just haven't really felt like being around people very much. I hate feeling lonely and I am lonely 65% of my time I'd say. But I don't want to see other people. I don't want to waste the time and energy pasting a smile on my face and trying to be outgoing when I just don't feel like it right now. I don't think I'm depressed, just lazy.
I don't really want to go on this ski trip with the youth group. I really really don't want to. But I feel that if I weren't to go I'd be making a very selfish decision. So I guess I'll probably end up going...I just hope I don't let other stuff get in the way of having a good time.
I'm still sick. Arg my body hates me.
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[21 Feb 2004|11:12am] |
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Last night I dreamed about getting married. I went to this boy's house who is in the play with me and I started eating all his food in his cupboards. That part was weird because I started eating and eating and then I half woke up and got really scared because I ate all this gross food but then I realized it was just a dream so I just kept eating. And then this boy, his name is Jamie, was like "Hey, wanna get married this weekend?" and I was like, "Uhhh sure." And my parents were really happy about it. So as I was getting ready for my wedding I put these white shoes on. But then the shoes got really dirty so I kept trying to clean them but they just kept getting dirtier and dirtier and I was getting really frustrated. So then I had to walk down the isle holding dirty shoes. And after we got married I got really scared because I didn't know him very well and I was gonna be spending my whole life with him. But everyone was telling me it was the right thing to do and that I could always divorce him if I didn't like him. But then I got really upset and I started crying and I threw the dirty white shoes through the wall, but then more dirty shoes started appearing all around me and before I knew I it I was covered in shoes. And then the dream kept repeating itself and each time something else would happen.
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| Her touch melts the sun |
[17 Feb 2004|07:13pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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Today at practice Reith told me I needed to lose weight. Ok.
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| Do you really know the person I've become? |
[16 Feb 2004|09:05pm] |
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music |
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so much music |
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when I look into your eyes I see a yellow butterfly flying high in the beautiful summer sky. Yayaooooh ya....
I'd really like to experience something personal. I often get the feeling that there is something missing. I wish I was that yellow butterfly sparkling in your eye.
Yea so I think I really underestimated my brothers musical talent. There is really no way that he won't be a known musician throughout our world one of these days. He's not your average garage band kid. Seriously, that kid's got so much talent.
I want to learn Japanese.
The last time I saw you, you were on the stage. Your hair was wild your eyes were bright and you were in a rage. I don't like you I don't like you. Been around the world in many situations, been inside many heads in many different positions.
And I want to continue my education in sign language. And add some french in there too. Its been much too long. I feel it comin on. The feeling's in my bones. Can you feeeel it? Can you feeeel it? mmmm yea mmm yea
And I want to learn latin. And how to sew really complex things. And I'm gonna learn the guitar some day...someday soon. And I will continue to play the piano.
And when I move to Europe I will adopt sick puppies and take care of them. And I'll start my own little bakery. And sell yummy pastries at reasonable prices. And I'll have lots of books there... Our golden child has failed us again?
I can hear your sound dripping down my ears, is anybody out there? And the beats don't stop until your body drops. I can see your breath dripping down my skin, is anybody out there?
And I'll live a tiny little house in the country, but not too far away from the city. with a little garden full of dandelions and grapes. And I'll write. Novels and poetry and plays. And I'll teach everything I know to younger generations.
Would you give it all away. To let it come apart and see it coming by...
Open hearts, empty spaces, dusty roads, to distant places. And all the time when I'm alone I think of you and how you've grown. Fire and wine sweet and simple. Jahova knows that I've been sinful. But if Jesus comes to take your hand I won't let go I won't let go. I'm not cool and your not evil and we're not like all those stupid people. Your the kind of person that I always wanted to be with. And my love for you will never die never die never die never die.
And I shall be a complicated girl living a simple life. And it will be delightful.
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| To a friend... |
[15 Feb 2004|10:01pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Dragonfly |
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Mac is a good friend. And I'm lucky to have him. And tonight he made me feel much better for the moment. He's like a big brother. And it was sweet because he knows my love language is touch so he just held me and let me cry. And then he started to play with my hair but then realized that it wasn't really my hair. So that was kind of funny. But anyway, I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends.
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[14 Feb 2004|11:06pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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There goes fear |
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I need a break from the world.
I've decided to take a vow of silence for a while. A few days. Maybe more...
Maybe I'll learn something if I just listen. I need to clear my senses. I'd leave town if I could but I don't have the money. And the play needs me. But what happens when its over? Who will need me then? What will I have to live for when its all over? Maybe another play. But when its all said and done and everyone is out there going on with their lives, its just you. Alone. Is that frightening?
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[14 Feb 2004|06:52pm] |
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HAPPY VAGINA DAY.
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[12 Feb 2004|06:46pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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My heart has shattered into a million pieces. I want to lie in my bed and let the darkness swallow me up forever. I can't breath...litterally, I am being suffocated by my lonliness. My heart is broken forever. I cannot speak to anyone.
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| Will you be my Valentine? |
[11 Feb 2004|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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Sometimes I feel like such an idiot. I mean, I know I'm a dork and that doesn't bother me...but have you ever felt unwanted or unwelcome? Yea, its the worst feeling ever. Especially when its from someone you really really care about. And its just such an awful thing...I mean, you just feel so stupid. And in this case I really have no idea if I truly am unwelcomed or if I'm just being a crazy girl and reading into things way too much, plus this certain person is a very difficult person to read. And sometimes I'm able to convince myself that I'm ok with being independent and completely with him(Bry). But then those times that I do spend time with him and mutual friends...I just feel so much and its all so intense and it just takes everything I have not to jump into his arms and let him hold me,either that or taking him firmly by the shoulders and yelling at him "What are you thinking?!?! Tell me!!! Can't you see that we were meant to be together?! Can't you see that I'm sorry?!?! Why are you doing this?!!!?!" I just want to be with him so badly and it hurts so much to know that he doesn't want this right now.
Besides that...the play is coming along wonderfully. I don't have my lines memorized...bu I'm working on it. Today's practice was incredibly intense towards the end. It was incredible. In the scene with just Irena and I...we hit very line perfectly, we used the space on the stage greatly to our advantage,we did all the motions perfectly. It was amazing. And I was screaming and sobbing and just absolutely terrified of dying and it all felt so real. It was difficult to settle down after that scene. Everyone must come to see us.
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[08 Feb 2004|09:12pm] |
-QUALITY TIME
-GIFTS
-TOUCH(not sexual)
-WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
-SERVICE/work
what's your love language?
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[07 Feb 2004|08:40pm] |
think about it...
-life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can.
-if barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
-death is hereditary
-always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
-Its amazing how the amount of news thats happens every day in the world always just exactly fits the newspaper.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-all sunshine makes the desert. -An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep
-Be happy while you're living, For you're a long time dead.
-Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.
-The blind man is laughing at the bald head.
-When love is not madness, it is not love
-Go and wake up your cook.
-He who must die, must die in the dark, even though he sells candles
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[05 Feb 2004|06:46pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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I really have a strong dislike for people that are really good at completely hiding their emotions. I've grown up always being taught never to judge people, but honestly I think that this an impossible task for the humankind. Even if we decide we like someone we're still judging them-just not in a bad way. And as hard as I've always tried not to, I've discovered that mostly not a day goes by when I don't judge somebody in some kind of way. Because if we had the ability to merely just observe everything within our daily lives with a nonjudgemental eye, then I think that we would have to learn how to become emotionless as well. Because it seems that as soon as we see something, or at least just me, some kind of emotion is brought up from that and judgement quickly follows. For example, say that I saw a green cup sitting on the kitchen counter. I would see the green, and subconsciously think "I love green, green is a good color." Is that not judgement, even of the smallest kind? So is it really something we should strive to withhold?
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[04 Feb 2004|07:48pm] |
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mood |
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nauseated |
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music |
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smashing pumpkins |
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The love scenes tonight were fun. Reith is a fun guy. Especially the part where we have to run around the stage together and be all playful and cute. He runs like...like he's retarded or something. I almost died laughing. Which, when you think about it, would be quite painful.
I should be doing lots of homework right now...
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[03 Feb 2004|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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Play practice tonight went very well. We got alot done. And tomorrow Rieth and I go through our love scenes so that should be fun. In one scene he gives me a sausage as a token of his love...how romantic.
I went over to Bry's house tonight. He tried teaching me how to play the guitar. My fingers don't bend like that. So I made up my own chords to my own song and I played it for him. He was pretty impressed I'm sure. I almost lost myself again tonight...in those magnificant blue eyes...
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[02 Feb 2004|11:10pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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Group tonight was lame. Most of the girls there are like 14 or 15 and have never had any treatment experience. I always feel like the old one. And during the session, while we were supposed to be concentrating on the wall, I was thinking about this. About all the therapy I've gone through. All the treatment centers I've been to. All the hospital visits...I'm like the crazy girl whose been through so much therapy I could probably teach it with my hands tied behind my back and my eyes closed. Its boring. Just sitting there...knowing exactly what they're going to say next. Maybe I should find a new hobby...
I dreamed that Mindy died. I stepped on her foot because I was mad at her, and then she died. And I woke up crying. Silly, don't you think? But when I woke up it was like she really was dead. I felt like there was this huge Mindy-shaped hole in my heart. Like a void. And for a moment I was unable to seperate dream from reality. And I just started weeping. I cried and cried and cried...forever it seemed. And then finally I turned on my light and found a recent picure of us together and I just stared at it until my eyes couldn't stare any longer. It must be the worst feeling in the world to have someone that close to you die.
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| I can see blue... |
[01 Feb 2004|08:55pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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music |
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there goes fear |
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I went for a swim in his blue eyes and when I awoke I was lying on his bed, surrounded by his scent. Covered in his blankets, I kissed his pillow. The CD player was playing his Smashing Pumpkins cd over again. Ironically the song X.Y.U was spinning. And I lay there listening to the lyrics...
...No one should come between us
Still I was lonely, and she was by my side, my one and only
Knows that she could never hide
I couldn't save her, and it was just a game, cause I was lonely and she was crazy...
I closed my eyes and when I opened them again he was there. Standing in the pouring rain. And he stared into my eyes and through my soul. His hand gently touched my face. He moved his fingers over my lips, as if he wanted to memorize every last detail. And then he smiled and I melted. And he took my hand and placed it over his heart. As if to say "I give it all to you." I closed my eyes once again and opened them to find-
his room...and his music...and his bed. And there he was, staring down into me with those blue eyes. But he wasn't saying he loved me, or how much he needed me, he was simply telling me it was time to go.
And I got up slowly, and we left.
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[31 Jan 2004|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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music |
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Dragonfly |
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The rain was soothing today.
It scares me that I'm becoming ok with this. With everything thats not ok. It scares me so much that sometimes when I stop to think about it, I literally cannot move. Just still. Frozen. My heart beating faster and faster, my eyes growing wide and shifty.And then that dreadful ball that gets stuck right in the back of my throat. I can't even cry at first. Or second or third or fourth or fifth.
-side note:Sometimes I want to crawl into a tiny space, wrap my arms around my legs and rock back and fourth until I shake all the tears out. To stay in there for days, just me. No interruptions.
And sometimes all I want is for someone to look at me right in the eyes and then hold me so tight our bodies almost become one.
Last night I spent 5$ on a bremerton basketball game. What a waste. I didn't like it much. I had way too much energy to be standing in the stands cheering for a team that wasn't even my own. So then Mindy and I went to a show at Crossroads. The last bands there weren't very good at all. But I saw lots of friends. And I got to meet someone very special. But most of all I got to hang out with Bry and of course Mindy.
Ok, so this is maybe a little childish of me, but whats new? Mindy was sitting by Bry at the show and I was sitting on the floor in front of them. And so, at first it didn't really bother me much because I know Mindy is a really bubbly, flirty person, but as the night went on she kept FLIRTING with him, and I mean FLIRTING. Like WHOA. And she was making him laugh... and well I don't know it just made me really sad because suddenly I got this picture in my head of Bry liking Mindy and it was just awful. So I got up and left for a while. And tried to talk some sense into myself. But the night was just sort of ruined. So we left and went back to Mindy's house.Oh well, I guess I deserve what I get.
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