Sometimes "yes, mother" really means "fuck you." i can just tell.

So, i haven't really posted much of substance of late. i wonder, sometimes, if i have any substance...

So, i got up at my "early normal" time of 5:30 AM - even though i don't have to work for the Dems today. i needed to get laundry dried and some dishes done... and doing dishes with the chaos of the house around me (read: children clamoring for attention and protection from self-inflicted injury), well, i just don't get much done. So i have laundry in the dryer (clothes for darkmuffin to wear to Aikido) and another load in the wash. i have the pots and pans and lids drying and silverware soaking. i also read my LJ and email.

But, that is not really why i am writing right now. i am writing about my self-image and body-image. i am obese. Clinically i am morbidly obese, by the stats. Funny, because - while i look in the mirror and do see a fat person - i don't see a morbidly fat person. But, at 5'7" and 243 pounds, that is where i fall on the doctors' scale. But, those are just words and numbers. They don't represent me. What they do represent, though, are odds. Odds are i will have problems with diabetes. Odds are i will have problems with my joints. Odds are i will not live as long or as good a quality of life as if i weighed less.

i have lost weight in the past. Most overweight people have. i have gained most of it back. No, i am not up to my life-time heaviest... but i am not all that far from it, either. What worked for me in the past... pretty strict adhearance to the pricipals of THM - Total Health Makeover. i - and my whole family - ate better. i had more energy. i felt better. And, as a side effect, i lost weight. There are 10 principles of THM. i used to know them all by heart.... now i basically remember most of them. They aren't iron-clad rules... just areas to think about... to make your life a bit better. Or, a lot better. So, i think i need - and my family needs - for me to get back on track. i really LOVED how i felt and how i was eating... no sweets, lots of whole grains and veggies, daily exercise, good food combining - it was the me i always wanted to be.

i realized.... our bodies are the only things that are truely ours in this lifetime. It is the temple of my spirit. In a real sense, the most sacred thing in our lives... it is the Temple of our Spirit. Would i treat a holy object or site the way i treat my body? So haphazardly? So thoughtlessly? So.... irreverantly? No. (Although my altar is also in shambles at this moment... so perhaps i would.... or perhaps it is a reflection of my other Altar.) So, right now - this instant - is the time to make a change. Not tomorrow. Not monday. Not after the holidays. NOW. There is, really, only the eternal now anyway.... the past is a memory and the future is a dream... i only can manifest change (to effect both) right NOW.

My body is my personal Temple for the Divine. It is my personal worship space, honoring space, and celebration space. It is a part of me, and it is me. And it is also all i have to offer others in love and honor. And if i don't nurture, consecrate, and honor it, no one else can or will.

So.... what to do to start today:

1) Skin brush every day.... and take that time to be aware of my body as it is now. Be thankful for the wonderful house for my spirit (self-hatred leads to a negative cycle that does nothing good). Notice what feels good and what feels bad... celebrate the good and be gently loving to the bad.

2) Drink my water.... at least 2 litres a day. Being hydrated gives my body something to work with.... to flush out toxins... to produce breastmilk... to stay healthy.

3) Break a sweat for 10 minutes EVERY day.... dance, yoga, Aikido, step aerobics, bicycle, run around the yard, hot sex (wouldn't hubby love THAT one!)... every day do SOMETHING to get my heart pumping and my muscles moving. Preferably before the kids are up/i get on the computer (not happening today, though...i am already here) - i can go to bed earlier if i need to get up earlier.

4) NO MORE SUGAR!!! i am a sugar addict. i know it. i have known it for a decade. i was about 24 when i first gave up sugar... and i don't know why i went back. i gave it up when i started THM in February of 2000 - and i went back. It is a drug (it used to be dispensed from apothocaries in the dark/middle ages)... especially for me. No more oreos. No more store-bought crap. If i do have sweet treats, they will be home made (or specific store bought items that fit my needs)... same goes for the kids. Junk food can stay at other people's homes and places of work... not ours.

5) More "live" food.... meaning fresh veggies and fruits and whole grains... less processed foods, including our beloved canned and frozen meatless foods. They have their place, but most of my meals (our meals) need to come from whole, not processed, foods. As a side note, that means more cooking... which means a clean kitchen and dining room.

6) GUSTO!!! #10 on Marilu's list... but in many ways #1. Live my life with joy and gusto. When times are down and challenging, that is when i need GUSTO the most. :)

Now... things to add back in slowly - meaning bit by bit over the coming days/weeks/months:

1) Food combining. Pretty easy most of the times with a vegetarian (near vegan) diet. Other than eggs and fruit, it all goes together anyway.

2) Get rid of that last bit of dairy. i have been a bit lax on the "less than 2%" dairy bits.... but most of the foods with that are sweet or highly processed... so that will be phased out as more whole foods come in. Still, something to make and take note of. This isn't just a health thing... it is a moral thing. The dairy industry feeds the beef industry (where do the baby boy cows and extra girl cows go??).

3) Move to entirely organic, free range eggs. i KNOW what commercial egg farms are like - they are inhumane.... supporting them is morally wrong. And, again, it feeds the chicken industry (where do the boy chicks and the ex-layers go?). Maybe even go so far as to have a few pet hens of our own (Seattle allows up to 3)???

4) Go back to fruit-only in the morning. i really liked how that felt... and it is/was so fun to make smoothies in the morning :) And will allow darkmuffin to help more in the kitchen.

5) Cut out the chemicals. i am pretty good at this as it is.... but i can do better. Just because i can pronounce it doesn't mean i should put it in/on my body. :) So, if the ingredients include things that are primarily chemical names in latin, think twice (no 4 times) before using it. :)

6) Daily spiritual practice. i have lost that connection with the Divine. Morning intent and meditation (before getting up?). Evening recap and meditation. What else? Family included? Or strictly personal? Still working that one out.

7) Get the house in order. This should be one of several Number One[s]. The chaos in this house creates chaos in my mind. And it can't be peaceful for the boys or DH either. Kitchen. Dining room. Hallway. Living room. darkmuffin"s room. Our room. Bathroom. Basement/Garage. Be Brutal. Recycle. Sell/regift/freecycle. GARBAGE. Have i used it/worn it in the past 6 months? Does it fit the me i want to be? Does it have sincere emotional meaning? Is it a book? If not... out it goes.

i am sure there is more. As i get things in order, as i meditate and pray and clean and read things will change. This is a start.

So, before 8:00 AM this morning i did the following:

1) Did my volunteer work for the Dems.
2) cleaned all 3 bird cages - including perches
3) fed birds
4) fed fish
5) 1 1/2 loads of dishes
6) cleaned both cat litter boxes
7) emptied bathroom and bedroom garbages
8) took out all household garbage
9) took garbage can to curb

If i can keep up anything like this pace- or even half this much - i will feel like i've DONE something today. :)

Earlier this month darkmuffin and i took a parent/child Aikido seminar at Tenzan Aikido .

darkmuffin decided that he didn't want to do hockey this year after all. Which is ok - i don't want to force him to play when he doesn't want to and have it be a huge issue every week. But, i did tell him he had to pick SOMETHING to do... something physical and with kids. Swimming. Dance. Basketball. Aikido. He chose Aikido. :) So we went to the seminar (only $15 for parent/child) at the Tenzan Dojo - and it was a blast. He had so much fun. He said he wants to do it. :) So, i am planning for us to go to the next seminar on October 2nd - and sign him up for kids' class.

The problem is that i got to be on the mat with him... and it felt like coming home. The Sensei kept commenting upon my ukemi (rolls) and the other black belt teacher commented several times about enjoying my energy and technique. i didn't want to leave. *sob* i have wanted to return to Aikido almost from the time i stopped training 11 years ago. It is rarely far from my thoughts. It is the dream of my future.

But, i don't see both of us training being in the budget right now. It is $45/month for one kids' class a week (i think plenty for DS starting out). It is $85/month for unlimited adult training. They give a discount for multiple family members - so it would be $117/month for the two of us to train. i could squeeze about $60/month out, but the $117 is just more than we can afford. BUT, if i could get 2 cash massages a month, it would pay for it. So... i am putting it out to the universe.... 2 cash massage/reiki clients a month to pay for this. Please? :)

i have quite a few things about which i want to ramble. So, i am going to try to partition them into smaller bites, rather than one huge post. This is because 1) i love you all 2) i want to separate it for my future reference 3) i doubt i'll have time to write all at once. :D

i've been feeling pretty crappy the past few days.... today is a little better, but i wouldn't say good by any means. Today darkmuffin has a stuffy nose... don't know if he is moving into the crud or it is just a stuffy nose, you know? scootercomputer was up and up and up last night... i finally had to have his dad deal with him so i could get some rest... i was up before 6:AM to do my volunteer work.

This morning i have already gotten a shower (my first in days) and folded a load of clothes. :) A decent start, all in all. Now to keep on with little steps and not cough out a lung and i'll be ok. :)

i have so much about which i want to write. But, i am feeling like shit, i have to get up about 5:30AM, and my eyes and throat are making me want to do self-decapitation.

On the good side, i love my husband beyond the realm of words.

You are Lilith. Lillith represented childbirth,
sensuality and power. The legends of her
rebellion may cast her as the first feminist,
and as the first wife, the stories of her
decisiveness and her maternal power are intense
ones. Even though many see her as a demon of
her own making, Lillith also seems to represent
the acceptance of the self-truth, no matter
what its cost. She was sometimes seen depicted
with symbolic animals of royalty and wisdom.


Find Your Inner Bitch Goddess
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Happy Birthday, indigopowder!!!!!!

It is 5:AM.... i've been awake since 3:AM (odd noise outside woke me), and up since 4:AM when i gave up laying in bed.

So, i wrote out checks for all the bills we've gotten thusfar. i need to call Geico after i verify the auto-deposit was made (i still don't trust computers). i need to call M's attorney and do an address change for her. i need to do dishes. i need to figure out where i am going to put the beautiful shelves that i am getting from M - i thought they would fit one place, but they won't... time for panic assessment. :)

i have spent so much time the past 4-6 days working on M and J's house that i haven't done shit with my own. Thank the Gods for wingedelf - he took 4 days off work, was sick for 3-4 of them, and has been watching the boys most of the time so that i can work/prod M & J into working next door. The garage is done except for the floor sweeping. Under the porch is cleaned out. The back bedroom just has the shelves i am taking and the waterbed bladder (which will be moved into the tub for safekeeping while floors are being replaced - new tenant is taking the bed). The bathroom just needs to be cleaned and last-minute items removed. The bedroom needs a few items/clothes moved to J's house/packed for trip. The dining room is empty except for stuff to me/goodwill/food-clothing bank. The kitchen is 90% completed... a few things in one cupboard & the fridge need to be assigned/removed and the stove/fridge/cupboard doors need to be cleaned. The living room still needs work - 2 chairs to neighbor's house, 2 boxes to my house, stereo to C's house (i will have to move this, i think), about 3-4 boxes worth of papers/junk needs to be gone-through and processed, M's bags need final packing. M will be leaving behind at least 1 box worth of stuff that will go down as luggage with lokheed and kajagoogoo when they return to Florida - so i have to find a place to store her stuff, too. i am so stressed.... i know it isn't my responsibility - but M is so stressed and i love her so much.... *sigh*

i am going to miss her so much. And i don't even want to think of how much my boys will miss her - she has been a daily part of scootercomputer's life since the day he was born. He just lights up when she is around and sometimes she can get him to be happy when i won't do. And darkmuffin loves her and thinks of her as his personal playmate and game-player. Not to mention my sanity when 2 kids are too much and i just need 15 minutes to go to the bathroom in the middle of the day (or walk around the house so i don't explode). Time to get myself under control 100% of the time, i guess. And i am going to miss just talking with her about anything/everything - from politics to spirit to sex to housework (both of us complaining) to space to the kids (mine and hers and her kids' kids).

i think i am going to try to nap for an hour or so.... i was going to do dishes, but i think having a little sleep is better than having none. Right?

Here's my MindMap!

Order a MindMap, elect a President!

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Yup... that is what i said. Tonight i went to Fred Meyer and checked out at the U-Scan registers. i used my credit card (not debit card) to make my purchase, and the machine had me scan my own card through the reader. Then, my receipt popped up and the computer wished me a good day. Seems that you can make a purchase on a credit card for under $50 and you just scan and walk.... no inconvenient dealing with signatures and identity verification. So, apparently, Fred Meyer actually wants people to use stolen credit cards for "small" purchases - if they didn't they wouldn't make it so damned easy!

Yesterday i got up and did yoga. This morning i got up and rode my bike. Good start. :)

Today my biggest goal is to finish cleaning up the dining room and do dishes. Tomorrow we start "real school" - which isn't all that formal, just time set aside for writing/spelling, math/science, reading, social studies, and arts/crafts.

Nicholas is eating 90% real people food. Last night we had sloppy joes, i smashed a bun flat, put a smallish amount of the mix, and cut it into small pieces... he loved that he was eating what we were eating. What a little love.

Oh... i have 5 more Gmail invites.... anyone else want to be a member?

i don't think i have ever posted lyrics on my LJ. i could be wrong (and i am too lazy to look), but i don't think i have.

Anyway, that is going to change... or has, depending upon how you look at it, because by the time you read this i will have made this post... oh, you know what i mean.

When i was a little girl, sometimes i would go with my grandmother to St. Paul's Roman Catholic Church in Juneau. One song that they sang was called Bring Me a Rose - a simple folk song... it has stuck with me all these years - but i have found it on my lips more and more often of late. Well, today, i did a search on it... as i couldn't remember all the verses (i could only remember 1 and 3). When i read it, i was amazed at the final verse. i don't remember ever singing that in Church.... but it is so appropriate now.

Bring Me A Rose
(Folk Song)
Bring me a rose in the wintertime,
When they're hard to find.
Bring me a rose in the wintertime,
I've got, roses on my mind.

For a rose is sweet,
Most anytime and yet.
Bring me a rose in the wintertime,
How easily we forget.

Bring me a friend when I'm all alone,
When they're hard to find.
Bring me a friend when I'm all alone,
I've got, friendship on my mind.

For a friend is sweet,
Most anytime and yet.
Bring me a friend when I'm all alone,
How easily we forget.

Bring me a smile when I'm far from home,
When they're hard to find.
Bring me a smile when I'm far from home,
I've got, smilin' on my mind.

For a smile is sweet,
Most anytime and yet.
Bring me a smile when I'm far from home,
How easily we forget.

Bring me peace when there's talk of war,
When it's hard to find.
Bring me peace when there's talk of war,
I've got, peace on my mind.

For peace is sweet,
Most anytime and yet.
Bring me peace when there's talk of war,
How easily we forget.

What a wonderful evening. We got to spend some time with wilson_lizard, zanzibar, and kiddoko. The boys were a bit out of control at time, but it ended well, and that is all anyone can ask, eh? :)

Then, on to The Grind. We met K, Z, G, GS, A, and R (since this is public i won't out them - unless they comment and say i can :D). We also chatted with several new and delightful people. i was planning to do some mehendi on GS, but i ended up doing art on 4 people... i so enjoy it, it feels artistic and makes people happy. Danced without caring who watched. Sighed delightfully while gazing upon the eye candy so generously shared. Crushes are so much fun. :) Played rescuer when a couple different friends got trapped by an uber-needy person (i am trying to be kind... the person's energy made me squick so badly i wanted to shower). Giggled like a schoolgirl while teasing G - high school revisited (actually, jr. high... i never did make it to high school).

Life is good. Time to go snuggle and keep the good feelings going. ;P

Well, this day started early... the alarm went off at 5:30, but i was awake off and on before then. Got up, worked on my volunteer stuff for the WDP. Made farina for the boys and myself... turns out i am the only one who ate it. Got boys together and headed out before 9:00.

Drove up to Mt. Vernon and went to Gma and Gpa (my mom and stepdad's) house... worked a bit on Gpa's back... left boys there and headed out... got gas... went to Chiropractor.

Gods, i love Linda. Need a good chiropractor in Skagit Valley... see Dr. Linda Clemens. Reply if you want the number. Felt much better afterwards.... and it didn't take as long as usual. :) Although she looked like a crime victim... seems she had a run-in with the Birch Bay waterslides... i worked on her a bit, but she needs (and deserves) some TLC.

Went to the bank... went back to my mum's house. Worked on stepdad some more. Chatted. Nursed baby. Left darkmuffin with Grandma and Grandpa and got in car and drove home.

Got home... couldn't find intake forms... got Grandma M to come watch scootercomputer and headed out to my first accupuncture appointment.

OMG! i LOVE accupuncture. And i love my accupuncturist! Ms. Julia Holman is great.... a wealth of knowlege, gentle touch, and a great treatment. If you need a good accupuncturist in the Seattle area (her office is in Ballard), let me know and i'll give you her number!

i could go on about loving my dear husband, wingedelf - but i think i'll go snuggle in bed with him and the baby instead. Plus, he has chocolate. :D

Somehow Gmail decided i deserve to invite more people. Anyone need an invite??

Oh... On August 28, 2004, Laurell K. Hamilton's new book, INCUBUS DREAMS, will be on its way to my doorstep. :D

Well, let's start with last night. i had a grand time at The Grind, despite being up since 5:AM and working on 4-5 hours sleep. i danced (and i did think of you mistress_gaelan, my sister, since you weren't able to come). i chatted with lots of people. More than usual - usually i just talk with wingedelf or others in the group i come with. i am thinking i may try moving to ambassador for part of next month's volunteer hours.... it'll make me talk even more. :)

Yesterday morning i got up at 5:00 AM so that i could start my volunteer work for the Washington Democratic Party... i am getting up ungodly early, reading 8 online newspapers, and sending a very specific form in to the WDP with any articles, columns, editorials, or letters about 6 national candidates, 3 gubanitorial candidates, and a large numbers of state/local candidates. Yea! To be a political volunteer! :) i was told it should take 1 hour once i get up to speed but could take 2+ to start. It took me maybe 45 minutes. But, because i was so early, i had to re-check with a number of papers who hadn't updated yet. They never did. So, i'll get up a bit later on Monday (i am doing this Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays).

Yesterday afternoon we (the boys and i) met E. from Fred Meyer and 3 of her kids and went to the Science Center. This was our 4th visit in less than 10 days. i am getting burned out! We are supposed to go again on Sunday... i think i may ask for a reschedule or a redeployment (maybe to the Kent Canterbury Faire or the Children's Museum).

darkmuffin was supposed to go up to see his Grandma and Grandpa in Skagit Valley today and spend the night... but that got nixed when unexpected visitors showed up at G and G's house. So, we rescheduled for Tuesday/Wednesday. i'll take the boys up on Tuesday, get an adjustment, come home, drop scootercomputer off with Grandma M, and head to my first accupuncture appointment. i am so excited about that one! :)

i really would like to get out bike riding this week. Maybe tonight, after wingedelf gets home, i'll try to get out for a bit. i also want to get this fucking house clean. i am tired of little steps that keep disappearing under a pile of clutter... i want it clean and i want it now! Grr. *sigh*