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u2 - still havent found what im looking for |
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god i have so much on my mind right now its not even funny. everything, guys, friends, school, family. you name it, the shit's hitting the fan. i feel as though im fighting for everything to change, but im also fighting for it to stay the same. i want things to stay the same but then again i dont! i dont want to leave my friends, some of the other people at the school i could care less about. i just want out of here. i need a change of scenery so bad.
enough fussing about that, on to bigger things, this whole guy situation is killing me, i cant deal with this anymore. im so mad and frustrated right now. i just want to cry all the time. i thought that he was different, i really did, but he turned out to be just like the rest of them. :( -----sigh----- he didn't even give me a chance and that hurts me too. he was all about me and then its like --poof-- he forgot about me and started after emily! and shes not even that great at all. shes bitchy and she tried to act all prim and proper, but i guess that if that's what he wants, theres nothing i can do about it. maybe if i act stupid, he'll fall for me. but whats the purpose of that? im so in love with him its not even funny. i love everything about him, his smile, his eyes, his voice, his jokes, the goofy things that he says and does! i love the fact that he can quote monty python and he laughs when i talk about ferrets and penguins and stuff. he likes fazolis and hes a music man! i want to be with this guy. but alas, my plans have been shattered once again, by some evil bimbette. im none to surprised, this shit always happens to me. oh well, such is life, life uses setbacks to move us ahead sometimes. also, this sounds crazy but i think going out with wesley fucked things up too. if i had it to do over, i wouldn't have ever went out with him. there is so much that depresses me about that relationship. it made me who i am today. its made me wary of every guy i meet. it made me compromise myself to make someone else happy, after i preached about never changing for a guy. that's exactly what i did. i changed who i was for him, to fit into his mold of what he thought i was supposed to be. i just want someone to love me for me. all of my little quirks and the stupid things i do. i want to be able to be myself and not worry about being a fool in front of him. i want to be able to burp and act stupid and tell stupid jokes and have my weird sense of humor. that's all i want. i want to be wanted and to feel needed by someone. sometimes i wonder what am i doing wrong? is it me? or is it them? its the damn bloody government, i swear it is!
the friends thing is about to drive me batty too. i only have like 4 friends who are really there for me when i need them. i feel like no one cares about me sometimes, and then i get mad cause i have this one friend in particular who is never there for me, but whenever something goes wrong for her im the first one she calls. but when i call her, something else is always more important to her. no one else matters. it makes me so mad and it hurts me too. i just want to get away from happy valley, im tired of everyone there. the teachers, students, the looks of it. everything about it. i just want to get around some new people, i need some stability in my life right now. i have that from mom and dad but with some of my friends at school, not my close ones (they know who they are), but like that acquaintances and stuff, one minute they love me and hate me the next. i hate uncertainty, i really do. sometimes i wish that i could look into the future and see what was going to happen.
school just sucks, ive bitched about it enough in the paragraph above. i despise mrs culler so much, i hate her with a passion. is there really any need for her to be so hateful all the time? i dont think so. but i guess if i had to deal with us all day i would be hateful too. im not really going to miss a lot of the teachers there. im going to miss mrs grant, crazy as she is, mr norman, hes always been there for me, ruffin, just cause hes been there for 4 years and hasnt given up all hope on me yet. there all the teachers that im the closet too and that mean the most to me, also both verrans, i love them both to death. i remember having a horrible day one day and in drivers ed and scotty gave me the biggest pep talk ever and it made me feel so much better. sometimes, you just need someone to listen to you and that's what i need right now. i have a million thoughts going through my mind.
i dont want to be everything to everyone, i just want to be something to someone. i want to be wanted. i feel so out of place, i dont fit in anywhere. maybe things will be different in college, i hope so. i want to start buying things for my dorm room, but they told me to wait a bit. i wonder what kind of roommate im going to have? im about scared to think of it.
i need to work on self acceptance, cause im so down on myself its not even funny. i told hannah the other night that i really hated who i was. i dont like anything about myself, i hate the way that i look the way i act, everything. i feel stupid and ugly and fat and i hate myself. i just want to be someone different. im thinking about not going to prom now, i dont see the need in it. im just going to spend the whole night depressed anyway. im going to feel out of place and like i dont measure up to anyone else there. id rather save my money for something of great significance than spending 30 bucks to get my hair done and this and that.
i have almost written a book tonight havent i? well, im going to go take a shower, this is just some stuff that ive needed to get off of my chest before i go insane, theres more, but i dont feel like getting into that tonight. another story for another day.
----searching for something i still havent found yet......
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sick
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thoughtful
