Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002

Subject: confusion Time: 9:59 am. Mood: contemplative. Music: The Impossibles - Plan B.

i dont know why... why i've been like this... i've been so... down... i just want everyone to be happy, and that brings me down... trying so hard to make sure everyone else is alright... and i dont notice how unhappy i am until i'm tottally torn and on the floor crying. i've got a lot of stuff going on around me... i just dont have hte energy to fix EVERYTHING... but i'll try and work what i can to make myself happy, along with the people closest to me... i think i've got this school thing down again. I'm doing a lot better and my moms happy. i went to the beach friday with jo.. had a lot of fun. saturday night was better though... it was one of those things i'll remember for the rest of my life. it was just an awesome experience. it makes me smile everytime i think about her. i've never been so comfortable with one person in my life. i can share anything with her. and thats what made saturday so awesome. it was just a neat experience at a right time and a right place. i love her more than anything... she needs to know that. 420 was kinda a drag... didn't smoke but a lil bit... barely got me high... we'll celebrate it some other day. i need an escape i think. im gonna fade out here... i'll post again sometime in the near future... signing out

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Subject: long time Time: 9:59 am. Mood: disappointed. Music: easy way out - midtown.

been a while since i updated this... guess i haven't felt obligated to... i haven't even wanted to... been a pretty smooth week... cept for the whole parental thing... and the fact that i failed chem this marking period isn't gonna help... i feel really weird about getting bad grades... since i used to get straight A's before... my count this marking period is... 1 A, 2 B's, 1 C, 3 D's, 1 F... fucking sucks.... i hope my mom doesn't flip... i guess i'll update this again... some day... whenever i feel like it

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Subject: scared Time: 11:34 pm. Mood: scared. Music: NoFX - Please Play This Song on th....

im so scared... jo won't talk to me... she won't tell me she loves me... without her love... i don't feel like i need to be here... i can't stop crying... she was worried last weekend so much about me breaking up with her... but now i'm really worried she's gonna do it to me... i would die if she broke up with me... seriously... i would have very little reason to be here... im so... fucking... ahhhhhh :( i want her to feel better more than anything... it would make me feel so much better.... i love her more than anything... i don't think she loves me anymore... that sums up everything

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Subject: just to let you know... Time: 8:07 pm. Mood: bouncy. Music: The Suicide Machines - New Girl.

i've had a calmer week this time around. i've been able to control my emotions and actions. actually i've had quite a bit of fun... a lot of the fun has resulted from just the thought of spring break starting 2:15 on thursday (no FUCKING HALFDAY!!! blow me)... but yea... its gonna be a lot of fun... and guess what!? i'm going to see catch 22 next thursday at the TLA :)... that just makes me smile every time i think about it... fucking catch 22... the first time i saw them was awesome... this time will prolly be just as good if not better... i got one question that is lingering in my head right now... its not bugging me much... but... here goes... after i heard that brandon broke up with fallona it just hit me... why do all these people go out... is it just to break up? it seems like there are so few serious relationships... so why do people waste their time with them? i don't waste time in relationships... i mean there have been a few mistakes, but other than that... i've been in pretty serious relationships... i've barely seen a relationship like the one I'm in now... and I love that... yet i hate it... i love the fact that we have it, and very few people have what we have... but i hate to see people's hearts broken everyday... i dunno... i'm happy, gonna try and not let this bring me down... i think its cos im really in love... i've never really been that before... i've loved people before... but i dont think i've had a bond of love like this before... well... i know i've never had one like this before... just makes me think, is it the maturity that brings this on (doubt it with our imature selves)... just sheer likeness? possibly... could be luck for all i know... whatever it is im really happy we have it...

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Subject: this week Time: 7:03 pm. Mood: thoughtful. Music: The Aquabats - Pool Party.

hmmmmmmmmm.... its been a weird week.... im finally settled. i had almost all my questions answered. almost all of them i figured out myself. i'm really glad jo's back to her happy fun loving self... it makes me really happy. almost ecstatic im so happy about it. she visited me last night and i just held her the whole entire night... until she had to leave, and i wouldn't let her go then either... it just took me a while to realize she was mine again... i felt like i lost her before and it scared me completely shitless. im just really hoping she doesn't get like that again... if she does at least I know she can come back around, and I'll fight just as hard to make her feel better again... i love her too much to just let go... that's why i didn't this time.. and I wasn't sure if she was getting better... but she did... im very thoughtful right now... about my life. whats in the future? i decided to drop out of school at the end of this year and take my GED and go off to college next year... I have to talk to more people about it, but its kind of embarrassing... people look down on me about it. but i don't care, highschool is such a fucking waste to me... i would really like to go to college in florida where my boss seans cousin went to college for 3d animation... he's really good, and has an awesome job... but... i told jo... and she got really sad, cos that would mean i would have to leave her... but i want to go... but i CANT leave her... i want her to come with me... we should leave next year... it would make so many dreams come true... it would mean i would be with her... and go to college for what i want to. but if i didn't go there i could just lead my schooling toward web design ... which would also be a waste... because I know how to do that so well... 3d designers and sound production is always needed for movies... but there's a million web designers out there... it would be a more secure job and proffession in terms of being employed... i just want to be with jo for as long as I can see in the future... and it won't change... and I know she won't change... so what to do? im very thoughtful...

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Subject: today Time: 3:34 pm. Mood: annoyed. Music: Whippersnapper - 23 years.

i erased this post... i didnt think about it before i put it up... i love her more than anything... i nkow she won't leave me for josh... now i just need to convince her i won't leave her for anyone... i hope she reads this, she needs to be reminded how much i love her...

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Subject: the last few days Time: 6:34 pm. Mood: gloomy. Music: keasbey nights - catch 22.

i dont know what to make of the last few days... i've cried more times than i can count... so many different reasons... i've been very emotional lately. the slightest little thing can get me goin. i think its rubbed off on some people... and im sorry to those it has. i think i need a break... just from a lot of things... some things i can't live without... my friends and jo... i need... but my family... school... and retarted people i could live with out for right now... and someone is bringing up my parents again... fuck... i need to go lie down...

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Subject: wacky Time: 10:01 am. Mood: high. Music: Girl In The Green Jacket - Bigwig.

weekend was a little odd... i had a lot of fun... but it was a bit low profile, for many reasons... lots of my friends were gone on the senior trip... lots were home... i went to the casinos with jo and her parents on friday... we weren't allowed to gamble... ya gost ta be 21 now... we walked around and talked a bunch while her parents were playing the slots. Jo brought up something that was an interesting subject... my parents getting divorced. She asked when it happened... I said around when I was 2 or something very young. I then proceeded to tell her how I didnt remember much about that time... but I do remember the time my dad tried to steal me from my moms house... pretty much, kidnap me.. there was a lot of fighting when he tried to do that... i cried... i cried with jo most of hte night too... i don't know exactly how to feel, except... sad... i dont percieve loving someone enough to marry them... but to stop loving them... i dont understand it... that was that night... saturday we were bored so we went to hamilton mall... looked at some cute animals and then went back into millville... chris called us and wanted us to pick him up... so we did, and we proceeded to go to sallie's, the beauty products store... got enough bleach and dye to kill 2 heads... mine and jo's... mine is highlighted red and jo's is completely red.. we decided to go out after that... oh yea i peirced my ear that night too... but it closed up when i went to stretch it. whatever... yea we went to the mall... met up with some friends... took chris home... decided to run through the insane asylum and the haunted house on rama road... took everybody home and jo hung out at my house for a while... didnt sleep much that night... ive been having a recurring dream about my uncle and used to be best friend coming back to live with us... then my mom got in a fight with him and i watched my mom shoot him... nice dream, eh? yea well sunday i had to get up at 8 in the morning to go to my stupid sisters goddam girl scouts breakfast... even though my mom knows i dont ever eat breakfast or i get sick... worst $5 cup of coffee I've ever had... only $5 cup of coffe I've ever had... I later went to a show with chris and jo... i dont like local shows much... i got my finger tottally fucked up... i can't type right and it hurts really bad... whatever... went home... did my laundry and went to sleep... it twas a long weekend... i hope this week is much better than last... fuck

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Subject: ahhhhhhh Time: 12:18 pm. Mood: chipper. Music: Millencolin - Random I Am.

after a long night of thinking, and some serious sleeping... I'm feeling a lot better... it took a lot to come to terms with it, but im glad its over... and i dont regret being down because of it... its a part of my life, i have to deal with it, so its gonna happen... and im ready for it to happen again, not that i want it to, but i'll be prepared. i realized a lot of other things last night in my thinking splurge. i realized how much people really love and care for me... its hard to percieve how much people love me... i want to love them the same way back... some people i already do, some its really hard, because their love comes in weird ways... all i know is i feel better now... reset

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Subject: marriage. Time: 1:10 am. Mood: melancholy. Music: Goldfinger - Superman.

lots of things have been goin through my head lately... one hit me really hard tonight... jo asked me when my parents got divorced.. i told her when i was 2... I kept going on about what i knew, cos i didnt know much about it being that i was so young... every time i tell that story i cry.. it hit me so hard this time... its not her fault either... its no ones fault, just something i have to deal with... i just dont understand some things... i mean.... if you love someone THAT much, to get married... pledge your total love, life, and care to that person... how can you seperate? how can you make that big of a mistake... why would you get married if something like that could happen? it just doesnt make sense... it scares the shit out of me... how could my feelings for someone just change? how can ANYONES? The position I'm in right now hurts me even more... i've never loved someone like jo before... and she loves me that much back... its something special we have... and I don't understand how it could ever change... EVER... and I NEVER want it to change... Tonight was a pretty good night... I went to atlantic city with jo and her parents for dinner for her birthday even though it was last weekend... we went to a seafood buffet at the trump taj mahal... it was good... i ate too much, so did everyone else! after that we split up... jo's parents went to gamble for a little while and we walked around outside... thats when jo asked me the question... kinda slowly made our way back to our meetup spot... the ride home was a lil different... i didnt want to talk... i couldnt stop crying... i just wanted to hold her, and her to hold me... we got back to her house and she took me home... we sat in my driveway for an hour... just talking... holding eachother... making sure we were both alright... it helped me a bunch... i still need to think... and i shall do it now... reset

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Subject: why Time: 11:02 pm. Mood: confused. Music: Catch 22 - Alone In A Crowd.

ok... logical explanation please... I was lying on my couch in my den with jo... just lying... we were both asleep... my mom comes in and wakes me up says she wants to talk to me... she's dissapointed and I'm grounded tomorrow and I can't go out... its my friday night gone down the drain... cos we were lying together... she said she doesnt want me lying with a girl in her house... we were just laying there! the worst part is, I really needed that time with her. I hadn't been happier in sooooooooo long just holding her... it made me feel so much better... she had to go and fuck it up... whatever... guess thats what parents are for... on the other hand, i realized how much I really am loved tonight. not by my parents... but by johanna... i couldnt stop crying... it was really... emotional... i just kept crying and crying. me and jo ended up just holding eachother and crying for over an hour... i needed it... we both needed it. I can't explain how much I love her, and I know she can't explain it to me how much she loves me. we just, know it... its what keeps me going... but when people just go and screw it up.. i can't stand it... i've never loved a person like I love her... i guess its due to the fact of the things we've been through and the way we are with eachother... i dont want this relationship to end... ever... im gonna go... lie down and mope and cry til i pass out... fuck

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Subject: detail Time: 2:22 am. Mood: blah. Music: 1234 1234 - Catch 22.

now that i fixed the look of my livejournal... i feel right to post more in depth... ive been thinking too much about shit lately. I guess its just human nature, or its just me. I love the hell out of jo, beyond what words can express. I had a dream where jo got really badly hurt in a car accident the other night... I woke up in tears, I still can't shake it, and its JUST A DREAM! It made me think, what would happen if I really lost her, what would I do? I dunno... I need to stop thinking about it... I just need to remember that I love her, and she loves me just as much back... I hope this relationship never ends, and never has to... I've also been craving something for a while now... about 6 months now... the hard part is, I dont know what it is I'm craving. It's something really deep. I get everything I used to crave all the time. There's something really deep inside me that needs exposing, or something... I've been wondering a lot about my past lately, that might be an effect of it. My mom told me the other day that I remind her so much of her dad. Her dad died a few months before I was born in a plane crash... what was he like... he was like me? how so? im lost... I wish i knew him... another question that hits me is... what is the REAL reason my parents got divorced? They both tell me different stories. I can obviously tell it was something very drastic, I think thats why I don't believe when they tell me "it just wasn't working out" or something like that... It just irks me that they can't tell me... I'm gonna go... I need to... do something, keep my mind clear off of things... 2:30 in the morning... there's just so much to do around here.... fuck...

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Subject: enticement Time: 1:59 am. Mood: uncomfortable. Music: Sink Or Swim - Bigwig.

weird moods enchant me this evening... I felt sick all day... so I came home from school and slept. I woke up went to dinner, then played the school concert... went well, whatever... mom wouldnt let me go out to dinner cos I needed to sleep cos I'm sick... hey look at that... its 2 in the morning. I can't sleep.. whatever...

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