.The Second Messiah. .Imaculate Conception. .Jesus loves you too.
25 gospels typed by
plainjane
| Sunday, March 30th, 2003 | |
| 01:31 a | couldnt sleep last night so i got about 3-4 hrs of sleep before i had to go to work. 2 of my cd's are missing si that sux. and the girl who worked before me is stupid. got off work, went home to brush my teeth(i forgot) then went to venice beach w/ katie and nicole. walked around the beach and stands, got our touristy henna tattoos then looked at thrift shops till it got dark. stayed at nics for a while talking and what not. still awake, drove to manny's. got tired and fell asleep on his couch. woke up, drove home, decided jeff buckley is beautful. i ahev to interview ppl for work tomarrow which i so dont want to do. oh still need to pick up my paycheck. bake a cake. night. |
| Friday, March 28th, 2003 | |
| 11:14 p | ok so i was going thru my journal and i realized i would like to update more. it was sort of a trip. i didnt write about the first time i met manny but i had forgotten a lot of stuff. we met april 13th at a party. our first date was may 11. we were "official" may26. soon to be a year. i totally forgot how put off i was by him. sort of funny. i remember know blowing him off. to think this is how it came to be. thought about a lot of other stuff. how fuckin dramatic i can be. im actually pretty happy i stopped the drinking and smoking for the most part. the stuff really fucks w/ u. gabe was really excited b/c he gets to stay up as late as he wants. hes asleep on the couch. i work in the morning and i should be asleep. but ive been sleeping all day(im sick) so nowim ready to go. u know i really like going to mt.sac. i think im definitley going into pre-med--dont laugh im gonna be an ob-gyn. i am doing well in all my classes. i would like to move out. i am working at the coffee shop still. i miss my roomies in northridge. i went to see them a while ago and it was really good. ive gotten a bit out of hand w/ dieting. sort of obsessing on it. i want to save up and go to KY this summer. and definitely disneyland cuz its empty right now. ok have to put gabe in bed. shit i really should call kris..i suck at calling ppl back. |
| Wednesday, March 26th, 2003 | |
| 09:01 p | so i got a letter from a retreat i went on last yr. i wrote it 2 myself. i thought i would have been more excited but i wrote stupid stuff. oh well. had a lot of stuff about "letting go and how it still hurts" hmm maybe its a look at how much of grown past everything ya know. i mean now i can talk about it w/o feeling guilt. like i just want people to know it happens and there shouldnt be a stigma surrounding sexual abuse. |
| Monday, March 24th, 2003 | |
| 10:01 p | i have to work tomarrow and i will be very bored and i need more money desperately. almost attacked by wild dogs in big bear. kris called. ever know anyone who was so intense that after u visit ur left drained and confused. thats kris. and theres the part where im trying to turn him straight even tho i dont think i would ever date him.tilted uterus make for repetitive sex positons. not much in the way of experimentation. im going to be a doctor. i want to get drunk but its too many calories. out of all 3 of us kids i think im the most adjusted. did family tree in sighn language...i lied. roy and may are now my fathers parents and all 3 of us bastards are now legitimate and belong to robert(my dad). i think my bladder is shrinking. my mom and i dont agree on the war(shes an i im a nay) becoming obsessed w/ dieting. not healthy. really craving cigarettes which is just not a good habit. becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. ( minus the eating part) which isnt such a big deal when u look at the whole picture. any questions? |
| Friday, March 21st, 2003 | |
| 06:48 p | hi, my name is amie and i'm a sexual abuse survivor. i hate that term but it is true when u break it down. it was my 13th bday when it first happened. i was waiting in my (ex) brother-in-law's apt so the rest of my family could decorate for my party. as we were waiting he started to tickle me. we did this sort of stuff b/c i had known him since i was 3 and he felt like a brother to me. the tickling turned into wrestling and soon i was under him. he started to grind up against me. i was so confused. i knew what he was doing but i didnt think he did. it didnt go any further but i knew what happened shouldnt have. i didnt say anything b/c i didnt think it would happen again and i didnt want to make anyone mad. slowly over 3 years he got braver. i never told because all i could think about was how upset my mom and sister would be. when i was 16 i was definitely old enough to know what to do. but this wasnt some stranger. i started to become upset when we were around other family. my mom just thought it was pms or being a teenager. he started to become more aggressive and i would try to fight him. i punched his back and said no. he never raped me in the way people think of rape. he molested me while my sister slept in the other room. sometimes my nephew(who was a toddler)would see and think we were playing the "tickling game." i know it would have been over if i just screamed but the idea of my sister seeing me like that was enough to keep my quiet. sometimes i cried after and sometimes i felt dead. when my family went to KY to visit my grandma he snuck into my room. he laid next to me and i pretended to still be asleep. when he put his hand on my thigh i told him no and said he was disgusting. he left but the abuse didnt stop. needless to say i began to lash out in other ways. those were my most depressing years. he pushed me over and called me a brat b/c i wouldnt move. he always initiated it by "wrestling." i felt ashamed dirty and even more confused than when i was 13. people who are abused feel ashamed for ever admitting that it felt good. well before its violent it does and no one can help that. u know its wrong and u dont want it to happen. finally one night i broke down after he left for work. i felt so disgusted and hurt. i told a friend but she wanted me to go t the police. i couldnt i wasnt ready to tell my family so she pretty much abandoned me. i never meant for anyone else to find out. i thought i could wait until i got away to college before getting help. it was one day that my mom caught on to my attitude w/ him and finally asked me if he had touched me. i just started crying. even then i didnt want anyone to know i didnt feel relieved. i never took him to court b/c that would hurt my sister. she told me once to forgive her if she couldnt leave him. that hurt the worst. she did leave him eventually but i still see his picture all the time and my nephew still sees him. my family never talks about it and i think my sister doesnt really believe everything that happened. i act like it doesnt hurt or like it didnt even phase me. i still have problems w/ being ina n intimate situation. its easy not to care about ur body. to hurt it for betraying u. i have healed alot but obviously it still haunts me. this all came to me at once so its a lil scrambled. i want others to know they are not alone. |
| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003 | |
| 01:43 p | eh cant think of nuthin to say |
| Tuesday, March 11th, 2003 | |
| 07:55 p | ahem. so its been a while i guss. this thing is so damn frustrating. school is keeping me very busy. i went thru my "favorite places" links and cleaned it up a bit.. deleted alot of stuff on depression which felt good. i know i still fall into depression but there is this good feeling that i have from growing up. im learning lots about myself and becoming a more whole of a person. if that makes sense. manny keeps me happy but the stress of a relationship, work, and school gets to be a bit much sometimes. its almost a year now. a whole year. went to northridge to visit my old roomates(the ones who didnt want to kill me)felt a little homesick. in fact writing this im starting to miss alot of my friends.my white cat had four black kittens. one has no tail like its mama. very freakin cute. ok so about these old emails i have, i dont know what to do w/ them. they are a thing of the past but still something i dont think i wants to get rid of. anyway i guess theres more but i really should be studying. |
| Friday, February 14th, 2003 | |
| 11:54 p | Ive tried to upadate this a couple of times and it gets deleted, then i get pissed and ignore the computer...well its time to try again. sometimes i feel like im drowning w/ manny. like we love each other so much i feel like im sinking and i wont be able to reach the surface. i can feel myself slipping again. its a funny thing depression. i mean, real depression. u are fine for a while and then u can just feel it creeping up on u. all i can think about is the past and i want to do is drop off the register for awhile. get high. get drunk. get lost. i know i need to do something to get myself out of this. seriously find some counseling. |
| Sunday, December 1st, 2002 | |
| 12:45 p | got together with "the girls" last night. brit, mitch, katie, marc and i went to mitch's house. decided to get food and i ended up choking on my soup. we laughed so hard, pissed off a lot of people. found a party. got high. which isnt something i do very often. i had to drive home down a canyon. thought i was going to die. brit kept me company. i was out of it. drove slow. came home and crashed. very good sleep. i miss 'em. we are one of a kind. xmas break is going to be fun. |
| Saturday, November 30th, 2002 | |
| 12:18 p | on november 22 i got my restraining order against my ex-roommate. she didnt show up for court thank god. i dont really update this very much anymore. mostly b/c i dont have access to a computer unless im writing a paper and partly because i dont feel this urge to write when everything is looking up..which i think i mentioned before. things are doing well with manny and me..already 6 months. i wonder how he manages to put up w/ me. i havent always been the best person to be around and sometimes trust. hey xian, remember that email u sent me of some of our conversations way back when, my sister read them and found out i used to call her the beast. i guess she's really upset (she told my mom who told me...secrets dont exist in this family) but once again everyone is pretending like nothing happened. i called her a beast b/c i hated her weakness and how she told me she might not leave him and not to hate her for that. how could i not hate her when i walked down the hall and saw his face in pictures. we are pretending still. oh and i have a goddamned boil on my chin. sometimes i get the urge to hurt manny to prove once and for all to everyone im not worth anything that im damaged but i stop myself or he doesnt let go. reminds me those are the old feelings seeping out. things taht just arent true. he was rubbing my back once and i lifted my arm so he wouldnt have to. he told me, "It's okay, just relax...I'll pick you up." and i thought to myself that's what he does. he picks me up. anyway im supposed to be doing something productive besides this. my sister is washing dishes right now, upset b/c she just found out my mom told me. i could go in there and talk to her or wait till she comes to me. which probably wont happen. and brian, i will call you as soon as i get settled(im in the process of moving from northridge to here) so i guess thats it. we will have to see what next month brings. |
| Sunday, October 20th, 2002 | |
| 11:12 a | long story short..ive tried to update this repeatedly and every time it gets deleted somehow so i gave up for a bit. ive been off at college for the last 2 months and i like it so much(sarcasm) im transfering in jan. to a community college. i talked so much shit about j.c's and know im going to one. i have the roommate from HELL. she is nasty, nasty, nasty. ugh i could go on about her forever but im trying not to think about her when i dont have to. im getting old, turned 19 on the 12th and i finally got a stereo put into my car...a whole year and a half w/ no radio, so im happy. i dont understand the hooopla that goes along w/ being a freshman either. i dont party, college is not hard, not any harder than high school anyway. blah blah blah. ok well thats about it. i think im bipolar |
| Wednesday, September 11th, 2002 | |
| 01:27 p | im stuck in a rut. |
| Saturday, August 10th, 2002 | |
| 11:28 a | today is my last day at the coffee shop. i loved working there. it was w/o quiestion, the easiest, most laidback, fun, best job ever. i have to go paint now. |
| Sunday, August 4th, 2002 | |
| 12:48 p | been a while i guess. i leave for college in 3 weeks and im dreading it. i want to get out of the house but northridge isnt exactly where i want to relocate. i quit work in a week. my boss wants to dome to the good bye "party" and i started to tear up at work when i found out. i guess im not ready to leave. i dont know how im going to handle moving farther from manny, we are going to try and stay together. ive lost any and all interest in drinking, smoking and other illegal acts. which is a good thing. my mom and i continue to have the worst communication possible and its really frustrating. i hardly have time for myself-im constantly going from one place to the next. making sure i spend time w/ everyone before i leave. except my mom. we cant be around each other w/o akwardness or starting an arguement to get rid of the akwardness which equals me leaving. why be around that. she has a bunch of issues and they are all personal so i cant help her on that one. we rescued a 2 week old kitten. it was in bad shape, anemic(all the fleas sucked its blood) its eyes were swollen and crusted over. its a manx...the cat w/o a tail. i named it rufus(rufus wainwright) and call it jizz when i get bored(long story) anyway we take turns feeding it every four hours and at least its keeping my mom a little bit occupied. i still have to go shopping for my apartment. blah. |
| Tuesday, July 16th, 2002 | |
| 11:45 a | havent been able to sleep and i woke up at 4am. my mom was up. she hasnt been talking to me for a few days. i walked into the kitchen to get a glass of chocolate milk and asked her why she's been giving me the silent treatment. that opened the flood gates. she has been thinking alot about my "abuse" and us being the southerners we are and sweeping it under the rug b/c i did not want to talk about it. she's worried i'll be a prostitute. i told her about the drinking and partying and she asked me with a cringe if im sexually active(we hate that expression)i said i was but i didnt necessarily say i still am. i didnt get the birds and bees talk or the "i'll take u to the clinic" which is the last thing i wanted to hear. i told her alot about manny. that he came at a time in my life when i was getting worse and i had to decide if i was going to sink or swim. she said she doesnt want to waste any time with me before i leave. she wants me to know she loves me. and i told her i never doubted that. i was supposed to work this morning and i completelty forgot. then i had a dream that my brother died. |
| Tuesday, July 9th, 2002 | |
| 12:32 p | sunday was the first time i had sex without being drunk or crying and it felt really good (not being drunk or crying) im getting my wisdom teeth pulled out in an hour. |
| Monday, July 8th, 2002 | |
| 10:59 a | feels like i need to write but i have nothing to say. too busy to write anything down. summer is coming to an end. |
| Saturday, June 29th, 2002 | |
| 12:16 p | this is going to be long b/c i have alot of catching up to do. starting w/ most recent events. my mom heard me tell manny i love him...bad bad bad mistake. hwats worse is i dont really love him. i realized im still a whore at heart or have whorish tendencies only now i don't care as much. someone called this morning at 6:30 and woke me up asking me how im doing...i thought it was manny or kris and i asked who it was and i got the response, "rick." rick is a stranger who lives in naples. so rick starts talking to me which leads to him nonchallantly asking me how big my boobs are and shit like that. at first i thought what a prick-but i can hear his voice weaken. this is a fun way to get kicks.so i start telling him everything he wants to hear..."yes im touching myselfs and it feels so good." ya fucking right, im on my period and my teeth hurt. im not touching anything. so i keep this up and when he styrats to breathe really heavy and groan i have to hold the phone away to keep from laughing to loud. he comes and i say "oh ya that was really fun." and he keeps up the small talk and tells me he will call me later. ok rick-i helped u out w/ ur morning wood i dont need a follow up call. last night manny came over and i got really nervous about myself b/c i started to not see him anymore. i just saw a guy who wanted something i have. and i know he would never feel that way. i got tired of kissing and trying to be soft. i looked at him and i got grossed out a little. i told him what to do and even though it felt good i was watching the neighbors(we were in a car)tv flash reds and blues against the wall. i could care less what was happening in the car. i have a 3 month attention span in relationships. manny's disinterest in the last airing of politically incorrect and my excitement over thrift stores is starting to get to me. so i think im calling it quits at the end of summer. kris and i went thrift store shopping and it was super fun yesterday. i bought him records and he bought me coffee cups. we are thinking about being room mates. that would be the best. we went to a gay club on thurs. night. very fun indeed. i love kris. and no im not falling for a gay guy. spent last mon-wed at catalina. it was so beautiful. we met some locals and partied w/ them in the hills. i got so drunk(and i am in no way proud of this..in fact it will never happen again) on tues. night i couldnt stand up by the end. long story short i ended up throwing up on the stairs of the house, passed out in the kitchen. woke up w/ no pants on. WORST hangover ever. it occured to me that from sat-tue i was drunk or high every night. that is gross and needs to stop. saturday was gabe's 5th b-day party. it was fun and he is so big. i love him so much. i dont know what it will feel like not to have him around when i move out which is in 2 months. next tattoo: "be careful chief. when you go digging into the past, all you get is dirty." i love that (its from minority report) |
| Sunday, June 16th, 2002 | |
| 01:12 p | took gabe to newport yesterday. i managed to stay the whole day at the beach w/o getting burned(i used sunscreen) but during the drive home i got really burnt on me feet and side and a strip of 3rd degree burn on my leg. just where the sun hit my body during the drive. my leg is swollen and red and if you look close u can see broken capillaries. it hurts and i suck. |
| Friday, June 14th, 2002 | |
| 10:40 p | on my way to the grocery store. i am taking gabe to the beach tomarrow..early in the morning b/c i have to leave in the afternoon to go to work. i think manny is coming. relationships are weird. especially when you like the person. so very tired. must go shopping and finish laundry so i can go to sleep. im really going to miss working at the coffee shop. |
| Monday, June 10th, 2002 | |
| 09:23 p | felt very very very stressed about college, the car, money, work, etc. a woman came into the shop and i could tell she had been crying. she just broke up with her boyfriend. alot of the things she said hit close to home, relationship-wise. she tried to convince me jesus is real and i let her b/c i knew it made her feel better. she read a passage about love from the bible and it got me thinking... maybe this could be the real thing. doesnt mean its the end of everything. something new. i dont know. im still stressed. |
| Friday, June 7th, 2002 | |
| 06:31 p | random thoughts: my sister and i are getting along really well lately. we are seeing each other eye to eye. she was folding laundry while i was getting dressed and asked me if ive ever gotten high. she wants to get high with me..hehe im dying my hair dark pink and cutting it like franka potente (run lola run) i cant picture manny having a pink haired girlfriend. too bad. i stayed in my pj's all day and now i feel scuz. i think i'll go out tonight. the only time i like sex or anything related is when i can get up and leave right away. no hugging, cuddling, or talking. i just want to put on my clothes and walk away. manny wants to watch me sleep. watching me sleep is for shit |
| Tuesday, June 4th, 2002 | |
| 11:03 a | My nose piercing is infected and it really hurts. I think I'm getting another tattoo in July. I know I had something more important to write down. |
| Friday, May 31st, 2002 | |
| 11:10 a | Xian- I don't know if you even read this from time to time but... I was reading through our old e-mails (yes I still have them) and I started to smile because I remembered how much you helped me. I know I am a total bitch and I'm not expecting anything from you because I am the one who ended this on a fucked up note. I'm sorry I didn't have the balls to face you when I wanted to be left alone. I should've told you the truth and I knwo now you would've given me the space I needed. I just didn't have enough in me to tell you I was being a whore while you were gone and I didn't weant to hear the warnings you were giving me. I am truly happy you were in my life, Christian. I wouldn't be the same without you. I still love you and I hope you're happy. Amos |
| Wednesday, May 29th, 2002 | |
| 12:17 p | Two years ago, I brokedown after three years of silence and told who I thought was a close friend that I had been molested. Her first response was, How come I didn't tell anyone before? Why didn't I scream or fight back? I didn't know how to answer her questions. It only added to the guilt and shame growing inside me. She stopped talking to me, walked down the hallways at school backwards to avoid eye contact with me. I had no idea why, until other people told me it was because she didn't like the decisions I made. I decided not to go to the police. I didn't want to go to court. I wasn't strong enough to face him like that. I was 16 and scared. Sometimes I wish I could scream in her face and tell her what a fucked up person she is and if anyone knew what kind of friend she was in a crisis she might find herself to be pretty lonely. But I can't and now it seems like a waste of time because anyone who gets close to her will find out like I did. When my mom found out she had a police officer come to my house and talk to me. I had to go to the police station later that day to give a statement. I looked like white trash because I had been cleaning. My sister drove me and I was led to a small room where a skinny female officer waited to ask me questions. "What did he do?" "Was there penetration?"..."With what?" "How long has this been going on?" I wanted her to stop because my sister was there and it was the epitime of uncomfortable and akwardness. The cop said I didn't have to answer her questions and because I was a minor the case would have to be dropped because there wasn't enough evidence. I cried alot when I was 16. I took pills to make me sleep. I took pills to make me sick because I didn't care what happened to my body. I am 18 now, halfway to 19. I don't take pills like I used to. I drink more than I should. I guess anyone under 21 and drinking is more than they should. There was a period of a few months that are a complete blur. I drink to escape. I drink to help me not feel like me. I've done some stupid things that could've really hurt me. I'm not proud of some of the decisions I have made and now I'm learning to live with them. I have a permanent reminder of how low I've sunk. That was rock bottom. After I told, when I was 16, I didn't go near guys. I didn't talk to them and I sure as hell didn't let them touch me. I lived that way for two years. The years I should've been dating and going to dances. I didn't think virginity was anything sacred or if nothing else, somehting to respect. At the time, I didn't even blink at the thought of ending up behind a couch at someone's house I had just met three hours ago. I didn't think about disease or pregnancy. I really didn't think about anything at all. I just closed my eyes and went somewhere else. I laughed it off when my best friend called me a whore because I was by the very definition of the word. I did stupid shit because I could. Now I am supposed to have this relationship with someone who tells me I'm worth more than what I've given myself to. He uses the word love and it scares the shit out of me. If he really knew the details. If he really knew how I got this tattoo, would he still love me? This is where the consequences of my decisions are catching up with me. I have to look in the eyes of someone else. I'm not thinking about just me anymore. Deep down inside I still feel like all I will ever be good for is to be used. I act on that and now I have to deal with the aftermath. I don't ever regret anything I have ever done or the life that has been lived by me because I wouldn't be the person that I am. I just wish I would have thought twice sometimes. |