| ...we don't wanna give up... |
[13 Apr 2003|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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him- heartache every moment |
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gas prices are going down. :-D $1.97 at arco. wha-wha.
i don't have to fill up my gas today, but i'm rejoicing anyway. just because, in time, i will. muahahaha.
i have to go to trader joes, because im tired of everything i've been eating lately. mi mami is going to LA this week, so i have to cook dinner for the fam, because they're too lazy to do anything themselves, and get hella grouchy if they don't eat.
i refuse to cook meat. they can eat what i give them. :-P
i really hope i get hired.
i want some money to put in my account... even though i can't take any out for 29 more days. count down.
(anyone else in the entire world would just figure out when their thirty days are up, but not me. i just count down.)
i'm still no different from anyone else.
hey, she's gonna go with me to trader joes.
i didn't put the name so certain people don't bitch.
why do i even care?
i have to go shower.
g'nite.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...casual sex, is it irrational?... |
[13 Apr 2003|12:33am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
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i was thinking, and i've got it.
gradual change.
okay.
yeah.
heh.
today was good. part of it was HELLA weird. like, fuck, that was just really weird and strange and it looked like a bad, mixed up, Kids In The Hall episode, with different skits and parts. it was weird. haha. but funny.
haha. eric's grandpa lost the dog. that was the funniest damn thing in the entire world.
my cough is coming back.
when i'm by myself...driving makes me think, and makes everything clear.
you know, i really don't hate kids anymore.
im not saying i want any, because god knows i'd end up dying in labor if they didn't give me all the drugs in china... but i don't really mind being around them.
i don't really like babies though. i'm still scared of breaking them.
but kids don't bother me. they're pretty cool, actually.
im thinking about how if my brother and carrie ever have a kid, it's going to be half chinese. but in reality, it will be 100% white... because carrie's adopted and her whole family is white. and i wonder what age the kid will be when it discovers that his/her mother is different from the rest of their entire family.
i think that's a great way to teach a kid not to be racist.
i don't know why, but i really don't think you could turn out racist in that situation. unless you had a really bad relationship with your mother.
but carrie's a great person.
but i guess everyone's kids can't have that situation... because then everyone would have to be adopted.
i don't know why i ramble the way i do.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...your arms for always... |
[12 Apr 2003|10:38am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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ultra relaxation. |
] |
going to take a shower.
then going to the bank.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...it is standing here, right in front of you... |
[12 Apr 2003|12:28am] |
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mood |
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all mixed up |
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music |
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bright eyes- kathy with a k's song |
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do you ever feel like your life is a dream?
like you're driving down a street that is pitch dark, you haven't slept for days and you're thinking about how shitty your day was, but it doesn't feel so shitty anymore. you're in a daze and you start to think that maybe all that went on didn't really happen, and all you really did was chill with your friends, and then go see your boyfriend. and suddenly you might not owe your parents $500, and maybe your brother's life isn't dripping from his clutching hand, and maybe your sister is going to be okay. but then you start coughing, and you know that your life isn't a dream... that there are good and bad parts, and totally random parts. most of it doesn't matter at all...
i can't put this into words. i thought of it perfectly on the way home, but now im blank and jumbled and trying to explain things to people that they wouldn't understand.
so...
i want toast.
we have no bread. :(
today didn't turn out that bad.
i hung out with timmy and andy.
they're great.
then i went to eric's and saw michelle.
his family is hella funny.
then we watched a movie.
yeah.
im gonna go.
there's another meaningless entry to add to the collection.
oh, and PS, there's like 1000 + 1 cops out. they're pulling over EVERYONE. i think i speak for the world when i say: what the fuck?
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...i've got a heart that's made of stone... |
[11 Apr 2003|05:26pm] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
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music |
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rachel stamp- my sweet rose |
] |
dum de dum dum dum.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...i hate the world today... |
[11 Apr 2003|03:33pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
i want to go somewhere.
there is no where i want to be.
except maybe asleep.
thats not really a place, but a state of conciousness.
anywhere i go, i'd have to be back by dark.
so i guess ill just stay here.
i have to pay them back. :'(
check out all this money i don't have.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...no confidence, and no future... |
[11 Apr 2003|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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psychotica- contradiction |
] |
well, my day started off peachy...
car accident.
oops.
g'nite.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...feel so cold now... |
[10 Apr 2003|09:54pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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music |
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psychotica- 180 degrees |
] |
michelle is coming tomorrow. :)
so that's fun.
uhm, yeah, well im off. g'nite.
<3laura
and though you search for higher ground,
you dance to the moon like you're spellbound
in a nothing world
where no one lives.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...im free fallin'... |
[10 Apr 2003|09:35pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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tom petty- free fallin' |
] |
im okay now.
driving makes me feel better. heh.
:)
g'nite babe. <3
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...wanna give up... |
[10 Apr 2003|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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pessimistic |
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music |
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him-heartache every moment |
] |
i must be the most difficult person in the world to deal with.
not really... but maybe the most difficult that i know of.
the way i either hate you or love you.
the way i push away, and then pull back.
god, im crazy.
how crazy do i make you?
you must be pretty crazy to care enough to read this, and not only read it but analyze what's between the lines.
and you know you'll just get it wrong.
im thinking of a word.
what is it?
you don't know.
neither do i.
there was no word.
that's the frame of mind i am dying in.
im going to make quiche tonight for a class that i don't really care at all about. french class. wow. what a waste.
they told me it'd get me hired, but it hasn't.
the world sucks.
you can't have a job without having references... and you can't have references without having a job.
what animal do you remind me of?
the polar bears on my pajammas are so much happier than i.
amanda said i remind her of a polar bear... she doesn't even know.
maybe she caught me singing about birdmad one day.
there's some fucking symbolism for ya. figure that out.
you have the brain of a potato, but no roots tied to the ground.
i don't know whats going on.
there's no smile of an angel without the wrath of god.
oh, it's heartache every moment.
g'nite.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...everything i've lost, everything i've cried... |
[10 Apr 2003|03:43pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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the cure- it used to be me |
] |
-sigh-
i set myself up for let-downs.
i know something will turn out crappy, but i go do it anyway.
-sigh-
im going to go write mr. o back.
we're both stuck in a place we don't want to be.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...left his brain inside a ring... |
[10 Apr 2003|03:06pm] |
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i look like i have herpes.
it's just a cold sore.
but that's the least of my worries.
i've had a horrible day, but when i got home there was a letter from mr. o waiting for me. that was nice. i miss him.
just another reminder that death is in the air.
anyway, im going to go to dreyers now. the owner should be there this time. she'll probably tell me something like, "we're going to hire someone else. we can't have herpes-infected freaks serving children icecream."
i don't know whats going to happen to any of them.
g'nite.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...big as grapefruit... |
[10 Apr 2003|05:04am] |
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mood |
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uncomfortable |
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music |
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dan bern- tiger woods |
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i have a cold sore on my lip and it's the most disgusting thing i've ever seen.
i want a livejournal ttttshirt. :-X
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...well, it aint braggin' if it's true.. |
[09 Apr 2003|10:45pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
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music |
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dan bern- tiger woods |
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tonight i got this feeling like everything was going to eventually be alright with me. and i felt like i wouldn't be alone.
but it seems like half the people i know are sick and dying, or their lives are just falling apart.
do you ever feel guilty because all the suffering in your life hasn't honestly been your own?
i've never had cancer, or gotten hit by a car, or ODed or been seriously beaten. but all these things have affected me when they've happened to other people. because i knew them, and obviously in some cases they weren't left to take in their suffering on their own. heh. other people had to finish it off, i guess.
i don't know. that makes me feel guilty. like it cheapens them, to have someone else feel like... i donno.
some people look for pain.
some pain looks for people.
i donno.
im worried.
and i slept for an hour or so last night, but i don't think ill be sleeping tonight.
dream well.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...how can you know, how can you know which is which, who's doing what?... |
[09 Apr 2003|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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dan bern- tiger woods |
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i felt very good and satisfied about my life, or future life, for like 5 minutes tonight.
it felt really nice.
i donno. i was driving and i had a "vision", i guess you could say. i donno. i saw myself, and how im going to be, and i was satisfied with it.
no details. i didn't know where im going to be, who will be there with me, or what i'll be doing... but i felt how i am going to feel.
and i really think thats how it's going to be.
i know what it is i want to make me feel like that.
maybe that's what'll happen.
yeah.
i donno. you think im crazy. maybe you're just dull.
i wish you could feel like that.
it's nice.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...before he fought too many fights and left his brain inside the ring... |
[09 Apr 2003|07:29pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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dan bern- tiger woods |
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WastedStatistic (7:26:20 PM): man..i saw his brother today..and i thought it was him..then after school i saw him and his bro together..and iw as like..wait..thats not him
WastedStatistic (7:26:21 PM): haha
WastedStatistic (7:26:31 PM): im guessing thats his brother..ause they look ALOT alike
BUTiLOOOOOOVEyou (7:26:36 PM): thats not his brother
BUTiLOOOOOOVEyou (7:26:36 PM): haha
BUTiLOOOOOOVEyou (7:26:38 PM): that's chris
BUTiLOOOOOOVEyou (7:26:38 PM): :-X
WastedStatistic (7:26:48 PM): man!
haha. i just put that there to piss you off. :-P
im going to the mall to pick up applications.
g'nite.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...respect run so dry... |
[09 Apr 2003|06:54pm] |
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mood |
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poor |
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music |
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joy division- love will tear us apart |
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i don't like asking for things.
especially when i know they aren't his.
but he offered... and i don't have any money to replace it.
i could pay him back once i get a job.
or, like, take him to see a movie or something.
i don't know how much they cost.
:-/
i guess maybe ill call and see or something.
i donno.
i have a feeling he's probably not home now, so ill just talk to him tonight or tomorrow or something.
egh.
sometimes responsibility sucks...
but i guess it beats being dependent...
i guess im not proving my independence very well. :-/
BUTiLOOOOOOVEyou (6:51:40 PM): how much do taillights cost? :-\
despite gravity (6:53:12 PM): :-\ ~100
if it's that much, i'll just buy one.
i feel like a theif and a whore. ;)
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...despiration takes hold... |
[09 Apr 2003|06:18pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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joy division- love will tear us apart |
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bleh.
im not hungry at all, but i have to make him dinner.
im a mommy to my father, no wonder i don't want children.
tell me, why would you tell someone you're going to interview them this week, and then leave town all fucking week without telling them?
ugh.
whatever.
im in pain.
i have to go cook.
g'nite.
oh, aaron's also seeing if there's an opening at mary's pizza shack for a host. he's a host there. i refuse to put the meat on the pizza though, because i don't want to touch it. but i'll seat people and take their money... that's what aaron does. :-D
plus, aaron is cool, and i'd like to work with someone i know.
and they're not nazis there, apparently.
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...dancing down on the sunset strip... |
[09 Apr 2003|04:55pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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motley crue- girls, girls, girls |
] |
mi dad's point of view towards me: "get a job. grow up.
mi dad's point of view towards pammy: "who cares if she gets fired? i want her to get well."
i want a job, and to grow up... i want to get out of here as fast as i can. im just pointing out the difference of feeling among family members. ;)
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Comments: take a step.
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| ...she's coming over me... |
[08 Apr 2003|08:47pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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placebo- nancy boy |
] |
it really sucks driving away from places that you really want to stay.
you know there's nothing really stopping you from turning back and parking your car and staying there forever...
but reality tells you no.
"reality bites."
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Comments: take a step.
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