Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in Gabi Pszolla's LiveJournal:

Sunday, July 15th, 2001
11:40 am	Some people should try something pysiologically impossible, especially male ones......... Argh! I hate life, at least sometimes. but then it's also fun, occasionally, but usually it's not and only sucks. My brother left about 20 minutes ago to go back to where he'S stationed right now, which is about ten train hours away from here. I already miss him; right now I'm actually having one of those times when I miss him and I do, in fact, love him. I dunno why, actually. Uhm, yeah, anyway. I guess i'm not making sense today, either. Em told me yesterday that I wasn'T, so I told her I'D better let her go, especially sicne she wasa trying to convince herself to get up and get moving anyway. And then I did a lot of nothing all day long yesterday, including downloading stupid pictres from the HIM web site, and working on my Clapton -lyrics notebook, but I ran out of printer paper, and sicne Germany still has those fucking laws concerning when stores have to close, I can'T go out and get some because it's a freaking sunday. Uhm, gettin beside the point here, but oh well! I talked to Jonathan for almost two hours yesterday; I don'T even know why. I called him to ask if he had Eddy's new addy, and then I was like "uhm, you know, that was about it, and I really don'T want to bother you a lot longer" so he told me I really didn't need to jump off, only if I was like tired or anything, so I told him I didn't mind annoying him for alittle longer, and we were talking about a big huge load of crap, including Jordan, and he said that if I get really lucky he'S going to transfer to another college before I ever get there. Have a feeling he won't, really. But then, I won't hardly see him either way, because he'll either be in class, and I know for a fact I'm not taking art, or he'll be out driving, and maybe he'll wreck.... this was mean, huh? oh well, he deserves a little meanness. And if he'S not doing either one of those he'll be in his room, sleeping or doing homework (I'm sure he does that sometimes....) or he'll be doing stuff on the computer.... And then I just really don't care. But either way; I only hope I won't have any classes with him. Brittany was predicting that I'm going to end up having some requirement with him. Oh, I'd hate this. God, that would suck!! But I don't think I will, because in the end, he's a freaking sophomore, and even though I passed German and English and therefore don't have to take these classes, I'll still be a freshman, and even enter one semester late. But oh well! Even if I run into him a coup?le of times, I can always ignore him. But anyway, I emailed him back and told him that I was sort of sorry about us not being friends anymore; that I don't really regret anything, but that I also wished that it could be like it used to be, but I know that won't be possible; I really do wish we could be friends; I remember the times when we talked on the phone, and when we were talking for hours, and he told me afterwards he hadn't had this much fun in a long time. And sometimes I want those times back. I don'T miss his kisses and the holding hands, really, but I miss talking to him, I miss shoving cookies down his throat, and I miss his laughter in my ear. Jonathan said I should tell him to do (see subject line) - something that is pysiologically impossible for 99.5% of the population, but i really couldn'T, because I still care about him as a friend, and nothing more, because osmetimes I know I'd want to tell him to shut up and get off my nerves, and I couldn't do that if we were dating, but I wish we could sit down and talk again. I think it's like Emily said, and it was only convenient for him to say that we never were going out, because I do know that he must have felt a lot for me, too. God dammit, He was crying after he took me home for the last time, so why would he have done that if it wasn't for him really missing me, and him being really sorry about me leaving? I know for a fact that he did care about me. He started this whole thing of "what if we ever got married... ?" Do you usually do that if you're only friends with someone? NOOOOOOOO, you don't! I don't know. I guess it does bother me a lot more than I want to admit. Oh well, I'll go....... Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: HIM - Razorblade Romance (Comment on this)
Friday, July 13th, 2001
10:30 pm	it's deadly sins, not cardinal sins God there are people in this world who aggravate me. And a certain 19-yearold guy is one of them. He emailed me yesterday night pretty much just to bitch at me for thinking so low of him that all he wanted from Katie was sex, and that it's very low of me to try to get him away from her, even though I really wasn't trying to get them apart, I just have a feeling that she's going to hurt him eventually, and if she's not, fine, but if she is I'll laugh at him and be like "told you". Hehe. That'S his own fault then. And he also told me that we never were going out together, which is funny, too, because HE was the one who started saying things like "you know, if we ever by chance did get married..." and he was the one who creid after he took me home after the last time we went out together - oh, sorry, of cause we weren'T going out together, because neither one of us ever asked to make anything official, which, of course, is the only way how you are officially going out with someone. Makes sense, huh?! Suuuuuuuuuure. Whatever! God, some people really do get on my nerves, but on the other side, I still do care about him, even though I don'T "like" him like that anymore, but I think I was much happier when we were only friends. We talked on the phone for two hours once, before we ever went out together, and it was so great. We were laughing the entire time, and he told me after I said that I needed to get off, that he hadn't had this much fun in a long time. One time he also caLLED ME; AND SOMEHOW WE WERE TALKING ABOUT Morgan and he told he that he gave up on her, and if it wasn't for me leaving this soon, he'd probably try to go out with me. And today he told me that all affection was only coming from my side. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Whatever. But I don'T care, really. Guess I should stop thinking about him, huh? Oh well!! I'm tired and I'Ve got to call Brittany and EMily tonight, and tell them about the funny email I got. Oh, I got my AP scores, brittany told me yesterday. I got a 2 in euro, but I did actually pass German with a 5, and I also got a 3 in english, which makes me incredibly happy, cuz now I won'T have to take frreshman enlgish, but I'll spend my 1st college semester doing sophomore english homeowrk. I'm sooooooooo happy. And I also don'T have to take any foreign languages, which is completely awesome, too! God, I'm happy, and I also took and IQ test on the internet, and it sadi I have an iq of 162. wow. I'm not quite as much of an idiot as I thought I was........ ;P Anyway, I've got smoke a cigarette now. Hehe. I told Jordan to quit when I last talked to him. I also woke him up. I enjoy the thought of it now. I'm mean, aren't I?? Later Current Mood: cold Current Music: Bad Love - Eric Clapton (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 12th, 2001
11:57 am	Cleaning up my life Alright, so what happened........ Yesterday I spent all day trying to clean up the last six weeks of my life that I spent, at least partly, worrying about a guy who's absolutely not woth it. I heard from people behind his back that now he's going out with Katie, and I just know exactly that it's NOT going to last for a long time, because 1, she's way too flirty for him, and he'll hurt himself 2, she's way too young, and they can't even legally really start anything 3, he's not the kind of guy she'd stay with, because she's always so happy-go-lucky, and Jordan's always more depressed, and if one day she wants to do something and he's being bitchy, she'll just shrug and go out with someone else. They're just not making a good couple, but - Well, I'm through with him. I emailed him the other night and told him how pissed I was, and how much he really hurt me. But in the end, I'm really not in this mood. And, you know, I don't want to sound arrogant, but I think eventually he'll find out that he was happier with me than he is with her. But actually, I really don't care. Being with him probably brought me in a much worse mood than anything else. Every time we were together - yes, okay, he made me happy, sometimes, and he could be incredibly sweet, but overall he caused a lot more depression on my part than he caused anything else. And now that I know that there's nothing between us anymore, I'm actually even kind of relieved. I don't know, can't explain it; I wish Jordan and I could sit down sometime, talk, and just be friends again. Yesterday I took down all pictures I have of him, and I deleted all his messages from both of my email accounts; I read everything he ever wrote me, and I wondered what happened; here's some of the things he wrote me ... I'm really sorry, and please don't be mad at me or think it's an inclination that I dislike you, because it isn't. I like you a lot even though I've only been around you...... what like three times? I never become friends with anybody that quick. Maybe it's because you made me vomit and that struck a chord in me or something. Anyway, maybe I can make it up to you somehow when I get out of school ... (this was after he told me he wouldn't be able to go to prom with me, and he emailed me about a week after I talked to him last and when I asked him, too. This was when we started writing emails, until three weeks later he got out of school, and then we started calling each other, and about 6 weeks ago we finally started going out together) ... So you're leaving on June 11th. I wish I could come to the airport to see you go ... ... Once again, I'm really sorry about prom, and I will try to make it up to you sometime ... I don't understand why I'm so comfortable talking to you about stuff. Do you know? Cause I'm completely dumfounded by the whole thing. I've only met you like five times and I'm talking to you like you're Eddy or another one of my closer friends. But you're right. We need to do something sometime ... ... damn it, Gabi. You've grown onto me like some sort of fungus! Why do you have to go back to Germany? ... ( he had this translated into German - thought it was really, really sweet) ... I'd like to see you soon seeing as I'm out for the summer now ... .. and keep it (his jacket) something to remember the crazy little bastard you met at NERDA ... ... I want to respond to what you were saying about people forgetting about you. Gabi, I mean this when I say that I won't. I promise. I don't forget people or things as easily as everyone else does [...] and if you're one of my friends, and I trust that you are, then you will not be forgotten ... ... but I can assure you when you come back next year, I'll hang out with you. I'll be glad to see you again ... Yeah, right, Jordan. Glad to see me again. Whatever. I read over all this shit, and it almost makes me cry, because it makes me remember the good times, and we did in fact have a lot of those. Before we actually got together, we talked on the phone for about two hours or even more, and he told me afterwards that he hadn't had such a nice conversation in a long time, and that it was the longest he ever talked on the phone in his life. He had this special talent of making me feel so special, and he always appeared to me like he was incredibly special, and every minute I was with him was just..... unique. But then I look back over how much he hurt me, and how pointlessly, and it makes me so mad that he could ever act so completely without any sensitivity, and like so much of an asshole. But then - isn't that just what makes a guy a guy? Beside the fact that they only bathe like once in two weeks.... *yuck* Anyways....... I guess there's not much mroe I can say about Jordan; I'm trying to be over him, but I'm not being all this successful right now. But I will get over it, and one day he'll beg me to go back out with him and I'll laugh at him and tell him I'll see him in hell, and I'll be throwing apples at him, just like he said........................ Nothing more to say for now. Current Mood: confused Current Music: 10CC - I'm Not In Love (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2001
4:54 pm	Another awfully boring week is going by... I'm still back here, bored out of my mind, and so completely not interested in doing anything. I sat on my computer all day, downloading and printing Clapton lyric, and putting them in a notebook. Damn, I didn'T know that guy recoded THAT many songs - but I love most of them, too. I'm listening to the SLOWHAND CD right now, and I absolutely love it! SInce really nothing happened, I think I'm gonna go back to my lyrics, download some more, or maybe I'll just go to sleep. At 4pm - woohooh!! Anyways; sleep'S always good. Later Current Mood: bored Current Music: May You Never - Clapton (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 24th, 2001
2:21 pm	Another boring day is going by Well, what can I really say? I'm still miserable here "back home", and I just really don'T feel like doing anything else but sleep. It seems like time's just not going by. I've been gone from my real home for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and it feels like an eternity already. Anyways. Brittany and them get home from France in 2 more days, so I'll probably try to call her sometime next week. I miss her a lot, too, and wish I could have met her while she was in france, but it just didn'T work out. oh well. Emailed eddy yesterday, too, and tried to explain to him why I'm in such a pissy mood all the time, but I don't think I really made him understand. I want to call him and talk to him, but I don't want him to worry about me, and I know he would if he knew how miserable I am. I love him half to death, and I miss him so much. he's my brother, and I don'T know how to get over all the time I'm having to spend without him. Anyways... Don't feel like writing a lot, so I guess I'll go. Later Current Mood: blah Current Music: [none] (Comment on this)
Monday, June 18th, 2001
9:06 pm	What the fuck happened?! I really don'T understand all this. Since I came back here nothing seems to be right anymore; my formerly best friend doesn'T speak to me anymore at all, she only bitches at me and she told me that it'S none of my business who she's talking to and why. Then, I don'T think it's possible to figure out guys. They'Re incredibly weird sometimes, and I wish soemtimes they'd just say what they'Re thinking about, but I guess they think that's not masculine or something. Guys should become gay and just give up on girls, because all they ever do is cause pain. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Un-break my heart - Toni Braxton (Comment on this)
Friday, June 15th, 2001
3:02 pm	Life can be such a bitch Sometimes I really wonder why things happen in this world and in my fucking goddamned life. First off, Three days ago I had to leave the place I love most in this world, and nothing seems to be right anymore. I just came back "home" - to a home that really isn't mine anymore - I'm in my parents house, but I'm really not home. I'm so far away from all my friends, and I wish so much that I wasn't. My brother is 6,000 miles across the atlantic ocean, and I miss him like hell; I don't know what happened - my life's just runnign through my fingers, and suddenly disappears. All my dreams pop like balloons in the heat, and my whole life lies scattered over the floor in front of me. It feels like everything's over, and even though I really don't know how it could happen, my future turned into one big black hole. My dad said that he doesn'T want to waste his money on my college education, because he thinks I'm an idiot, and I will never get anywhere anyway, so he says there's no point in investing money in that. and maybe he's right. maybe I really shouldn't go to college, but just take some job everybody can do, and just live an ordinary life. Maybe that's what I'm there for, and maybe I'm not good enough for anything else anyway. I don'T know; I just used to think that my life would be something psecial, and that I would make a difference; I used to think that I could make a difference if I only tried hard enough - but apparently I'm not mean to. Some people - you all know who you are - have told me that that's ridiculous, and that I will be able to make it wherever I want to make it to; I started believeing it; my grades were really not that bad, and my scores wheren't all that low either - someone told me that if I'm eligible I should be able to get a full ride at western; I wish so bad I would be; I guess that's the only way how I'll be able to ever see all my friends again, and my little big brother out of the test tube... (love you special ed!!) My life's just being a bitch right now - and she's having a LOT of puppies!! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: River of Tears - Eric Clapton (Comment on this)