LiveJournal for Shane. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (Artgarde Records). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Sunday, October 7th, 2001

Subject: Farewell. Time: 12:09 am. Mood: satisfied. Music: Further Seems Forever [The Moon Is Down] - New Year's Project.

Well people, it's been nice, but my time here is over. I'll be around, but this journal is filled. I guess I just realized that I don't want to be posting my feelings and thoughts all over anymore. Keep in touch if you want-- www.artgarde.net, email shane@artgarde.net. Good luck to all.

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Subject: Wasted time. Time: 12:21 pm. Mood: depressed. Music: Dashboard Confessional [Swiss Army Romance] - So Long Sweet Summer.

This whole vacation was practically a waste of time. I should've only taken Saturday and Sunday off, but damn, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it'd be something worth remembering. But aside from the time I've spent with her, it's been shit. I could be getting paid for waiting on dumb people and pestering poor animals. And you know what? I'm already tired of that job. I want to do something new. It's never anything new. It's not challenging. If I don't know something, I don't always have time to figure it out for myself. I have to go ask a manager or something. I can't tinker with anything. I really want to work with computers. If I were a technician, sure, I'd have a lot of the same old problems, but being able to reach inside the guts of a computer and get it running smoothly again just does something to me. I love animals and all, but.. the retail business just isn't for me. Yea, I guess I'd be in retail if I worked on computers, I don't know. But I wouldn't be a salesperson. That's all I am at Brown's. A salesperson. And my merchandise are animal supplies and products and poor creatures shipped from God-knows-where. Being stuck in this house doesn't make me feel any better. It's always so dark and gloomy in this house. I've pulled up all blinds and welcomed what sunlight there is today in here, but it's not enough. Jeremy locked his keys in his car over at the mall, so I took him an extra set and then just drove around aimlessly. I went out Rt. 221 and up Rt 501 and down through Rivermont, down Langhorne past Sunset, and came on back home. Driving is just about the only thing there is to keep my mind occupied. I don't like driving though. Maybe I could make some music today. Dashboard Confessional has kind of reinspired me. *sigh* Straighten me out. Someone.

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Subject: Digital Bath. Time: 6:34 pm. Mood: lonely. Music: Nine Inch Nails [The Downward Spiral] - A Warm Place.

you move like I want to to see like your eyes do we are downstairs where no one can see new life break away tonight i feel like more tonight, i feel like more you make the water warm you taste foreign and i know you can see the cord break away 'cause tonight i feel like more tonight, i feel like more feel like more, tonight... you breathed then you stopped i breathed and dried you off and tonight i feel feel like more, oh, tonight, i feel like, feel like more tonight i feel like more, feel like more tonight... -------------------- how such a beautiful song can be so amazingly simple is beyond me. anyways, I'm going to try to analyze the song and show you why it's my favorite song. you move like i want to // to see like your eyes do the song is about an obsession with perfection. this girl is exactly what he wants, everything he has ever envisioned in a lover. he's just amazed by this girl. he loves everything about her; her movement, how she sees the world. we are downstairs // where no one can see new life break away and for some reason she's accepted him. he finds out she feels the same about him. they get together and meet away from the prying eyes of the world. there's something about their relationship that others just don't feel right about, that others they know don't agree with. but they have each other, and that's all that matters. getting to know one another, they fall in love. they blend, they mesh, they fabricate together. everything fits between them perfectly. they feel perfect together. tonight i feel like more // tonight, i feel like more the most beautiful and moving part of the song. this night, every night they're together, is special. please, please don't let go. please don't make me leave. i just can't get enough of you. i feel so much more in it, but i can't put it into words... you make the water warm she changes his surroundings. before, coldness shrouded him. now, her smile, her touch, her voice lifts everything and helps him truly realize the beauty that engulfs him. you taste foreign // she's an experience, an unfamiliar experience, a lovely experience. it's new to him and he just can't get enough. and i know you can see the cord break away 'the cord,' as i see it, is all doubt washing away. they're deeper in love now, they know it's right, they can feel this within themselves, and it's changed everything. you breathed, then you stopped // i breathed, and dried you off i don't see any violent motives in this line. i see it as something purely sexual, intimate. a love scene, climax, and the comforting and closeness of one another. -------------------- yea, so I do an aweful job at describing what the song means to me. i tried.

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Subject: Maybe I know myself too well. Time: 6:14 pm. Mood: scared. Music: Depeche Mode [Music For The Masses] - I Want You Now.

So I went to her house to get my glasses that I so stupidly left on her couch last night. She told me she read my journal, and the poem "This night is ours" made her cry. Something makes me cry, too. I'll hardly be able to see her for nine months. Sure I can see her some more this week, hopefully, but I go back to work this weekend. That means, if my schedule stays the same as its been, I'll be working a lot of nights. She'll be at school while I'm resting. I'll be at work while she's doing homework and all the other afterschool stuff. For the first time in our relationship, I admit, I am truely terrified. I've been worried before, but now I'm scared. And it's not necessarily being scared of growing distant-- No, I feel like we know each other too well, and I have every ounce of faith and trust in her. I guess I'm terrified of myself. I wonder if I can handle such sudden ...change. Before, we were on our own time. We didn't care about the world and what time it was on. But now we'll both have different schedules, a lot less time together. I told her "It's gonna suck not being able to see you as much." I barely scratched the surface. Her mom invited me to stay for dinner. God, why didn't I? So fucking stupid, Shane... should've stayed. *sigh* Maybe I could see her tomorrow. I hope so.. and Friday... 'cause I think I have to work Saturday. I could always see her after work on Saturday. I'm just dying to see her, and when I keep thinking that I won't be able to see her half as much as I have been seeing her over the summer, I feel like crying.

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Subject: Feeling good. Time: 12:30 am. Mood: accomplished. Music: Duncan Sheik - She Runs Away (Acoustic).

New style for my journal. -------------------- Rachel said to me tonight, "I wish I could hold you tighter, but you make me weak." I simply built on that.. -------------------- So she heads back to school tomorrow. This means less time to see her. From knowing myself for so long, I would think I'd be terrified of the time apart, of growing distant. But no. I'm not scared of the time apart, I'm thankful for the time together. And I know we have forever together. I love you, Rachel.

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Subject: This night is ours. Time: 11:47 pm. Mood: grateful. Music: onelinedrawing [Always New, Jan-Jun '00] - January (True Love).

A field of stars gaze down from above And we are together. The stars are our only company This night is ours. The moon shivers in the night breeze My hands glide over you like lucent liquid. I am warm wrapped up with you This night is ours. Leaves swirl the breeze in their masquerade A soft subtle dew begins to fall upon the grass. We dance amongst the stars This night is ours. The starlight glides and moves ever so softly upon your closed eyelids. If I could only hold you tighter This night is ours. Encompassed in this hallow embrace Your eyes, my guiding stars. Entwined and everlasting This night is ours. Engulfed with weakness, You are perfection. Hold me, dear, hold me tight. This night is ours.

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Subject: Change is constant. Time: 8:49 pm. Mood: accomplished. Music: John Lennon - Working Class Hero.

So guess what. Yep. I decided to move some things around in my room. My workstation is now rotated 90- degrees counterclockwise, so now when I look at my monitor, the door to my room is also in my view. This gives me an extra five seconds to minimize porn when someone opens my door. Hallelujah. heh heh. I've spent the day getting a lot of things out of the way. I got at least 50 fleas off of my ferrets and bought an electronic pest repellant system for my room, so within the few hours the fleas should be hoarding to other parts of the house, away from my precious creatures. Let the rest of the family deal with the dog and her little itchy friends. My animal kingdom will once again be at peace. In changing my room layout, I've gotten some much needed room. My mom told me to move Dino's cage into the den, so now my mom will be sleeping in the same room as my seven foot python. I don't get it. I think hitting 48 has screwed her circuitry up somewhere inside. But hey, I have extra desk room now. I also think I'll be able to get started on cleaning out her old bedroom this week, and hopefully be able to move in by the weekend. That'd be nice. Cuz I don't want to be awoken every damn weekday at 7:30 when Steven has to get up and go to school. heh heh.. poor bastard.. I think I've got the look of the room laid out.. all the herps and fuzzies against one wall, all easily accessible. My workstation in the other corner, and a bed thrown somewhere in the middle. Maybe I won't even have a bed in the way. I could easily store a mattress hidden away and just pull it out at night. We'll see. Cuz when you're not sleeping, a bed is really just cluttering up room, no? I need to adjust a little bit so I can recreate my nice little sound area. Hmph. I'm off. I'm still feeling really inspired by reading some poetry Rachel passed on to me earlier. Maybe I'll post a poetic entry later.

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Subject: Perfect. Time: 6:28 pm. Mood: thankful. Music: Deftones [White Pony] - Digital Bath.

So yesterday I finally got to go to my aunt's up near Charlottesville. It's been like a year since I've been up to. I missed that place. Rachel came with me. It was just her and my mom that went up there. We were *supposed* to leave at 11, but didn't leave until 12. The trip there was nice. Rachel and I sat in the back, talked, stayed close to one another, and enjoyed the scenery. We arrived at my aunt's a bit after 1. The weather report was that it was *supposed* to rain in the morning and clear up by early afternoon. But of course it didn't. When we got there, Rachel was shown around BG's [my aunt] house and told of its history. Then she and I headed down to the river. We took an umbrella, but we abandoned it once we reached the cabin. Then we decided to embark upon the river to the swimming area that was *supposed* to be there. We walked back up to the house and got some clothes, walked back down to the river. She changed, then I changed. Got to the swimming hole to find it was gone, changed shape by the flow of the river. Plus I think the river was like two feet low, so eh. No swimming hole, So we spent the rest of time walking through the river down to a big bridge. We got off course when I saw a small creek and we went up that a bit. It was a blast. I constantly felt like just grabbing her up into my arms and holding her. *sigh* Then we headed to the house, ate some food, changed, talked, and departed. We got back to my house and watched "The Lost World" then went to her house where we played pool and held each other and that fun stuff. My nose was buggy as hell, though. Stupid allergies. I still loved every moment of it anyways. I was with the person I love the most, the one I'd give or do anything for, the one I want to spend forever with. I was in the place I love the most, the place I want to spend forever in. It was perfect company, it was lovely spent time. It was beautiful, it was gold. I was in Heaven with my beautiful earthly goddess.

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Subject: Ready, set... Time: 12:05 am. Mood: excited. Music: Slipknot [Iowa] - The Heretic Anthem.

Rabbit rabbit, Rachel. Tomorrow we go to my aunt's up near Charlottesville. It's going to be so much fun. But my mom is going to meet her parents. I'm not sure what they'll think of her. Sure she'll put on her happy face and look nice. Sure she really is nice. But what if it looks fake and plastic? Rach told me last night that her dad asked her if I dumped her because she got her haircut. She sharply replied back with "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" He refused to comment. I don't like that. I don't think he likes me. Anyways, I'm off until next weekend. Going to try to get a lot of shit done. School starts the fourth, for those that are going. *evil laugh* That's all for now. Peace to all.

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Subject: Ooooh yea. Time: 1:44 am. Mood: excited. Music: Deftones [White Pony] - Passenger.

Today was different. To start with the last events of the day, I finally won Monopoly. I had towers on my set of property and the game ended with my opponents broke and myself having $6,000+. Hot dayum. Today at work, Debbie, one of the managers, had to leave early because her mom had to be rushed to the hospital cuz she couldn't breath. So Pat, the owner, came back in and was there until like 9:45. Heather came in to close, and I helped with counting out the registers and stuff again. That's fun. I feel important when I do that. Heather and I did puppies quickly, and she rambled on about how she has to go to court tomorrow because of assault and battery. Big whoop. I couldn't care less about your stupid childish fights with other females. Then I got a big surprise at about 8:45 when Rachel and her mom walked in. Rachel got to drive, and made the excuse that she didn;t know how to get to Brown's, so they came. Her mom bought some pine bedding for their geniua [spelling] pig, and yea. Rachel and I talked. Blythe is okay. She'll be out of the hospital tomorrow, hopefully. Jeremy and I tried seeing what our chameleons would do when introduced to each other. So he put Sith [his female] in Zartan's [my male] cage. They were ok for about five minutes, but Zartan decided to slowly catch crickets and work his way closer to Sith. Suddenly he like pounced on her and tried to take a huge chunk out of her back. She don't like him no more. So the breeding is unsuccessful as of nowl. Melissa, Pat's daughter, says her two chameos have mated and her female laid a clutch of eggs last night. Woo for her. Bitch! Not really. Anyways. We're gonna keep trying. Nature will eventually take its course. I have to work 12:30-9 tomorrow. Bah. Then I'm gonna go to Rachel's. Friday I work 1-9 again, and then I'm off for a week! :D Saturday seems to be set. Her mom has said it's ok, and her dad will probably give in to that. It'll be Rachel and I, mom, and Steven. I think that's it. Rachel and I can get away easily. If they come down to the river, we can go up or down. Up the river I'm not sure about. Down around the bend there's a big rock cliff and a neato little swimming hole. Then if we can kayak, we'll go up the road a bit to a drop on the James. We'll leave around 10 or earlier, get there noonish, leave at dark. Shall be quite incredible. I'm impatient for Saturday to come. Then Tuesday everyone goes back to school. Hahah. I really hope I can get moved into my mom's old room next week. That would also be quite nice. My own room. Anyways. It's almost 2AM. I need my sleep.

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Subject: Another reptile. Time: 11:54 pm. Mood: chipper. Music: Modest Mouse [The Lonesome Crowded West] - Convenient Parking.

I bought myself an Oketee Cornsnake today. He cost me $45, and a screen top for the cage, bedding substrate, a water bowl, a 40W bulb, and two frozen pinkies [baby mice]. All in all it was under $100. I've got him in a 20gallon tank, which should be fitting for him for the rest of his life. He's only aboutn a foot long now, and sho cute. He already had one pinky. The other will come this weekend. mmhmm. A guy that comes into Brown's quite frequently invited me to come along with him and his friends to Raleigh to a reptile show this Saturday. I've known about the show for about two months, and I've been wanting to go, just to see the incredible species they'll have there, and possibly buy myself an albino burmese cuz oh my, that'd be so fargin lovely to have. But Saturday is the day I finally get to go to my aunts, and Rachel gets to come with me. So the reptiles will have to wait. Besides, I practically have my own show in my room, no? So that's all that's happening with me. Tomorrow my new CD-RW drive comes and I get to have fun with that. A friend of my dad's is giving me a *truckload* of spare computer parts. Wonder what will be useful out of that. I think I'll go to sleep early again tonight. Oh, anyone who has any CREATIVE names for my oketee, comment on this entry. Thanks. :)

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LiveJournal for Shane. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (Artgarde Records). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.