[	Current Mood	|	tired	]
[	Current Music	|	Give Me Novacaine-Green Day-American Idiot	]

you dont understand how much i beat myself up for not explaining myself. i just want it all to go away. lets forget about it. lets act like i never mentioned it. you dont understand. fuck if only i could tell you this instead of writing it on this paper. but of corse i wouldnt have wrote it if iknew that ultimatly i would show or read it to you. you have no idea. i dont know where to began. is the a beginning. why do many questions. why dont i want help. do i even need it. help for what. it would be so much easier if i were dead. could it be that i burn myself because i hope that an infection could occur, i'll loose a limb and then kill myself. if so then why do i clean the wounds so well in fear of infection. why do i cut and burn myself. am i fake just like everyone else. am i shallow like they say. if i am shallow why is there so much to me. then am i shady. i dont mean to be. i wishj i didnt have people around me that cared so i wouldnt care, soi wouldnt ask so many questioons. why am im still writting. why did i type thisover to this live journal. this is lame. i am lame. just go. go now. leave me alone. i know i wrote that for attention. did i. is it what i want or no. am i full of shit. whats wrong with me. why why why fuck im tired of hearing myself talk to myself. what the fuck. noone normal goes through this. do they. im not normal. or am i. fuck.

[	Current Mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	Current Music	|	There Is-Box Car Racer-Box Car Racer	]

There's.SoMeOnE-OuT::there:: w h o "feels":ju$+ LIKE m3.........

You Are a Liberal Republican

When you tell people that you're Republican, they rarely believe you. That's because you're socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights. You're also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians. You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes.

[	Current Mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	Current Music	|	Kiss And Say Goodbye-The Manhattans-Sunday Night Oldies	]

im feeling all fucked up inside, i cant eat, cant think str8, cant spend normal fun quality time with friends, had to comehome.. tired... so much is going on with me emotionally its starting to effect me physically.... and the worse part about it is i know being the stupid ass i am, im going to do something im going to regret.....
You've always felt the need to lie to me, and do things that you knew would upset me, you said you loved me and within a heart beat you took it all back and claimed that you never did. I'm having a extremly hard time figuring out what the fuck is going to happen next. asking my self over and over what what this person do in my sistuation or what would happen if i did this... this is bullshit. noone should have had to hear what you told me that night.... you can really fuck up a person with what you said....
My only advice . think about what your going to say, and hear yourself say it,,,,

[	Current Mood	|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	|	Tell Him - Patti Drew - Sunday Night Oldies	]

im feeling all fucked up inside, i cant eat, cant think str8, cant spend normal fun quality time with friends, had to comehome.. tired... so much is going on with me emotionally its starting to effect me physically.... and the worse part about it is i know being the stupid ass i am, im going to do something im going to regret.....
You've always felt the need to lie to me, and do things that you knew would upset me, you said you loved me and within a heart beat you took it all back and claimed that you never did. I'm having a extremly hard time figuring out what the fuck is going to happen next. asking my self over and over what what this person do in my sistuation or what would happen if i did this... this is bullshit. noone should have had to hear what you told me that night.... you can really fuck up a person with what you said....
My only advice . think about what your going to say, and hear yourself say it,,,,

-Jay Luna
Peace and Positivity

[	Current Mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	Current Music	|	forever mine-various artists-Slow Jams	]

i just got done talking with _________. What a beautiful person you are... You truely have what it takes to do something great with your life.. Stay Strong... I LOVE YOU.... I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

[	Current Mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	Current Music	|	The Jetset Life Is Gonna Kill-My Chemical Romance-Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge	]

So many stars in the sky and I have comfort in knowing that he is looking at the same star. Yet that is where my comfort ends. I miss him so much but at times he does not believe this to be true. This morning is so quite and unsettleing, for this do not seem right.Faith and the future are what gives us comfort now. I beleive in him with all my heart, that one day the worries will be gone. until that time, remember NOTHING has changed and the time together will soon be the present.... until that time my love will keep him safe.

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	Guernica - Brand New - Deja Entendu	]

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Your probably too good for me. You make me feel so great about myself. I feel like I'm taking it all for granite. What did I do to deserve something so great. Why must I be so difficult in understanding how the world works and myself. Why must I feel the need to be so complicated. It's going to be so hard for me to open up. I want to but because of reasons unknown, I can not. I love you. I lost you once before. I'm not going to let it happen again. This weekend has been one huge emotional mind fuck! Your beautiful J.P. If things get rough, don't leave me. I need to know that everything is going to be alright. I need to see it. I don't want you to be worried, I don't want you to be scared. I want you to help me, help myself.

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	End It On This -No Doubt	]

Oct. 03. 04. 1:46 AM.
I could no longer eat my food. I kept thinking of you. I thought these previous entries would be the end of you but I keep finding myself writing about you. Obviously you've made a cut deep enough to scare. If it doesnt mean anything you other than foolish, just know that it means alot more to me. I've reached agreement with myself to be cool with what comes my way, but when if comes down to J.R.P. it's no longer an agreement but a (along the lines of Me), ironically, I dont know. You see you got me thinking of you and how you want me to be the social butterfly that expresses everything you wanted to hear about my past and my present, and I want to be. For the same token though, I can't be. I'm scared to be. Scared because I've never experienced a relationship among that level. Hence the reason why I say "I've lost everything I've always wanted." If you are to know anything... Know this.. Jon, "You are everything that I've always wanted, and I'm just scared."

[	Current Mood	|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	|	Butterfly Effect	]

This morning I woke up cold because I had left the fan on, just as I always do. My arms and legs are hurting, not being covered by blankets during my nights rest is all I could come to. My eyes, feeling as if I were trying to lift a pound using my eyelids I got ready for school. I tuned into Valerie Loves Me - Material Issue. Being stuck on that song for one line and what seems like this one line only "... Valerie loves me..." I like to replace in my subconscious mind "Valerie" with Jonathan. I wish I were able to sing that mans songs of sorry without ever having to feel out of place or looked at differently. I grabbed what was appealing to me back when I was going through my toughest times of my freshman year of highschool. It was a suit of black. A pair of black shoes but this time replaced by black slippers with a star patched on to each one. Followed by long or just about knee high, black cotton woven socks. Some old black dickies. A black faint shirt and my black patches up sweater that has been through the toughest times with me. I slipped on all this in a matter of seconds. Washed the heavy thoughts of life, love and Jon off my face, turned up the music and laid back in bed. Trying to sleep so people could no longer tell that I had spent the night up thinking. So they wouldn't question the feelings that I felt. The feelings that no matter how hard I try not to, I seem to wear them on my sleeves. Couldn't sleep... My mind has already lost it's way in which it thinks and acts. I'm tired of feeling like I have to put up a font. Tired of everyone thinking that I'm happy. Thinking that everything is "ok." I laugh, I smile. But am I really laughing and smiling... I hope that I'll feel better, hope that I'll be able to express how I feel to someone just to lift some weight off my chest. I want to give him anything and everything Just to show him how sorry I am. I've always felt like buying shit for the person I'm with but for some reason I never actually do. I thought this time was going to be different but it is obvious that it is not. I hope that you can see past all my insecurities and just see me. The genuine person that actually does care just doesn't know how to express it.

[

Current Mood

|

contemplative

]

I'm sorry,
I only wish I for things to be great between us. I only wish I had the power or not power but that I would have died a long time before I met anyone, Died before meeting anyone so that I could have saved them from the bullshit I put them through or the bullshit I'm going to put them through. I've realized that I'm the one who always fucks up in the end and I don't want to be that person anymore. But that person is me. And there's nothing I could do to change that.

Why is it that it takes something so dramatic for me to realize what was good and what was not. Why is it that everytime I feel, I guess sorry for myself, I feel I must restate how sorry I am. Sorry for not loving my parents as much as I should. Sorry for not being as greatful as I should be for having the friends that I do. Sorry for feeling like I'm the only one with problems. Sorry for believing that everyone can get over shit on their own. I'm sorry for hurting myself and others in the process. Sorry for being paranoid and thinking that everyone is just wanting me to feel like shit as if that is their main purpose in life. And I'm sorry for being able to love without actually having to know. Sorry for not being able to express myself the way I should or when I have the chance to. Sorry that I choose to be left in the cold because thats what I am use to. Why is it that I choose to feel the way I do? Why is it that I chose to lose those who actually care about me? I try to make things right but for some odd reason beyond my knowledge everything always turns out to be the worse. I guess in what people call reality, I'm not trying hard enough.

Something is wrong with me and im not sure what. how can i change the person i've become with out distroying who i was or what has made me who i am? I want to drop my socalled bad habits, but who would take make me. who would i tur out to be. if im having so much trouble, could it be that now is not my time to be as commited as i would like to be. could it be that im not supposed to feel as i do until a specific time. could it be that god does have what people call a plan. or could it be that its not god who decides our faith but ourselves.