Date:	2004-08-03 15:44
Subject:	Status
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper
Music:	does the fan behind me count? BRRR

Unemployed (nearly - three shifts left at Bungalow)
8 interviews completed
1 interview set up for Thursday
1 very promising potential job applied for in MN
1 lease run out
1 house moved out of
1 Mother's house moved back into (ugh...)

Using public library computer due to:
1 Mother's computer infected with Spyware and incompetence
1 Brother's laptop infected with porno virus (much more fun;)

1 shitty cell phone with almost zero reception in this area
1 shittier cell plan with serious lack of "anytime" minutes

1 wonderful boyfriend that I'm still dating
1 serious cry-fest with boyfriend (ended up being productive)

## wonderful friends I never talk to/see/write/call :(
4 wonderful friends I see on a somewhat regular basis
1 kick-booty friend coming to Slumberland (C-land) tonight

1 new workout plan - Winsor Pilates. Ouchy-ouch - good!

## bills to pay
1 set of brakes to change
1 set of tires to rotate
1 oil change necessary

That's about all... Just wanted to cover the basics. Maybe hte library will become a "haven" for me if our computer situation doesn't improve. Miss you all... Lovey love.

KIMMER

Date:	2004-05-26 10:18
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy

Ooh, ooh! I forgot to mention that I'm getting really excited about a trip I am taking with Bobb and 5 of his friends in late June!!! we are going up to Lutsen and staying at a SWEET-ASS resort ;) If you want to check it out, go to www.caribouhighlands.com, click on "accomodations" on the left, choose "Poplar Ridge Homes," and then you can click on "floor plan" of the Four-Bedroom Unit to see the unreal dimensions/set up of the house... Don't forget to read all the awesome things that are in the house too, and of course click on "virtual tour" and choose Poplar Home, where you can actually see what the inside of this place looks like! :) I am REALLY REALLY excited for a LOT of REASONS!!!! :) We are going for a week. YAY YAY YAY!

:) Ok, bye.

Date:	2004-05-26 07:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	the soothing sounds of a middle school hallway

I don't know what it is, but I am feeling weird about writing in here. I mean, I want to and there's more than enough to write about, but... I don't know. It feels more "exposed" than usual and I almost feel like I would be disrespecting Bobb in some ways if I wrote too much about us... which is, of course, what I really want to yap about forever. :)

In any case, for those of you who wait breathlessly (?) for an update, here it is.

Most of my energy is consumed by the following: teaching, looking for jobs, driving to interviews, friends, boyfriend, eating. :) Heh. I have gotten precisely TWO good nights of sleep in the past three weeks - which is almost entirely self-inflicted, I can't blame others for my total ignorance of a decent bedtime.

I got my hair cut. It is a fairly blunt pixie-ish cut that goes right below my ears. :)

I have had one interview (5 hours away in B-F Minnesota) - I didn't get that job... which I am actually quite happy about. I didn't really like the setup of the job, nor was I thrilled about the location - and this guy that I don't like a whole lot who is a total city snob got that job. Go him, now I dont' have to compete with him for other jobs! :) I was offered another interview by another school out that same direction, but I had to turn it down because of timing. And now I have two interviews on Thursday, both near Madison. I guess 4 calls in less than a month is ok, right? I honestly have no idea. Maybe it's not. Some of the application deadlines haven't even passed yet, so I can't expect to hear from those people any time soon. :) I'm SO TORN about where I actually WANT to teach. I mean, I don't really care all that much whether it's a city or a small town, both have pros and cons... I just can't decide if I want to go far or stay close. There are so many pros for BOTH scenarios... and quite a few cons as well. I guess I'll just have to take whatever job I can get and not worry about what I WANT - because what I REALLY want and NEED is a teaching job REGARDLESS.

Enough about that. I only have about 5 and 1/2 days left with my students - including today! I'm gone tomorrow, they have 6th Grade Track/Field Day on Friday, there's no school Monday, I'll have them the rest of the week next week (4 days), and then I am going with the 8th grade on their reward trip to Valley Fair the next Monday, Tuesday is a half-day (kids' last day)... :( How sad. I love these kids. I really like this school too. My friend Heather has the internship spot for next year - so at least when I leave this job it will be taken over by someone far sweeter and more qualified than myself! :) hee hee

Personal life... Pretty much peachy, minus missing the hell out of Kaylynn, Bessa, Jenni, Kara and Zach... Friendship with roomie Sarah is exceptionally wonderful, regaining closeness with former roomie Sara, Heather is a doll, Erin is a peach, Melissa is becoming a very good friend, Gina is as crazy and fun as ever (though I don't see/talk to her very much either), and of course Bobb is just a fantastic guy all-around. He is my friend and my boyfriend - and sometimes it's also like having another gal-pal because he doesn't feel too much of a need to be macho, and he likes hanging out with girls. What I feel around him sometimes scares the life out of me - in a good way. But I may be leaving and we don't know where that will leave us. I have another good friend (who shall remain nameless) that gave me a very DARK and DREARY outlook on the "long distance relationship" situation I'm facing -- but then again, I think he is totally biased against them because he happened to have a bad experience with one. (B, do you know who I'm referring to?) Anyway... He basically said "long distance relationships are not worth the effort." Actually, that's a direct quote from his email. Nice. But we shall see - Bobb and I have talked about it a bit and it's just going to have to go the way it goes. I can only hope and pray that it's all going to work out - I have been waiting for a guy like this for SO LONG. And now I can actually say that I think I deserve this relationship - I have put up with a lot of bullshit from guys and relationships with guys - it's about damn time I had something nice and stable and sane and WONDERFUL!!!! :) So yeah. Needless to say, things are good with Bobb - no, better than that, things are *primo* ;) hee hee

The next few days are going to be exhausting. Tonight after school I have to go get my car from Bobb (his van is not working, so I gave him my car so he can go to work and I rode with my cooperating teacher who lives about a block from me), then Sarah and I are going to the Mall of America - a totally unnecessary trip, but some time for us to actually be together (a totally-unheard-of thing lately), then come back and go to Boomer's to watch Bobb and Darrin (will probably get out early), get up tomorrow and come to school with Bobb (who will "observe" for about an hour and a half), then we will leave around 9 for Sun Prairie. I have my interview at 1:30, will buy Bobb lunch, probably drive around and look at potential housing, drive down through Madison to Juda, take some time to look around there, and have my other interview at 7 p.m. Then we will start the long trek back (woohoo) so we can return around 1 a.m. and I can get my dead arse up for school in 4.5 hours. :) THEN I have what will actually be a pretty easy day (6th grade has track/field as mentioned), and then right after school I have to take off for St. Cloud so I can babysit Gina's little cherubs while she works. Chat time with her after done with work, around 2 or 3 a.m. :) Drive back Saturday - NAP:) and write out thank-yous - then Lisa (coop teacher) and I are having dinner and drinks while we make a little present for the middle school choir director that is retiring... then I think I'm going to go out with Sarah and her best friend who will be visiting from Cincinnati and possibly Sarah's sister who's visiting from Pennsylvania.. Sunday I work at 8 a.m., have to drive to Cumberland, and do the Memorial Day Parade hoop-la around 8 a.m. on Monday! :) WHEW! :) All good stuff, though, so definitely worth the exhaustion that may or may not follow. I'm trying to think of some fun stuff to do in band now that our concert is over and we've been having fun playing some new music and whatnot, but I want to give them a little break/reward thing, they all want to watch Drumline, which is PG-13. So I think RIGHT NOW I am going to talk to the assistant principal about it and if I get the ok from him, write up some permission slips for the kids to take home, and maybe we can watch it next week sometime. I'm not supposed to know this, but the kids are planning a little party for me next Friday. I only know because I was talking to Lisa about having some sort of reward party or something and she's like, "Uhhh... yeah, well, before you go planning too much, here's the deal." She didn't tell me anything about it, i just know it's happening. So now I don't have to write a lesson plan for that day! HEE HEE:)

I have finally thought of a good gift for my students. Awhile ago we were having some "personnel" issues in the band - people were getting "uber-snotty" and disrespectful. So Lisa and I made up copies of the class list - ie, everyone in band, and then I had them write one nice thing about everyone in the class. So now I have all these sheets full of nice things. I think I'm going to go find something fun to make bookmarks out of, and make one for each student with all the nice things people said about them on it. It could be to mark where they are in their lesson books or whatever. What do ya'll think? I'm looking for some feedback. If anyone even made it this far in my rambling entry. :)

Ok, I need to go look some stuff over before my rehearsal - I am getting observed by my university supervisor for the last time! YAY! ;)

Later, everyone. Love to you all!
KIMMY

Date:	2004-05-05 08:23
Subject:	A Nerdy Cinco de Mayo to you!
Security:	Public
Mood:	giggly
Music:	6th grade band students :)

I found this in someone else's (SHERRIE!!!) livejournal and decided to see just how well-read I am.
____________(!) Read
____________(?) Haven't read
____________(*) Read part of
(!) Beowulf
(?) Achebe, Chinua - Things Fall Apart
(?) Agee, James - A Death in the Family
(*) Austen, Jane - Pride and Prejudice
(?) Baldwin, James - Go Tell It on the Mountain
(?) Beckett, Samuel - Waiting for Godot
(?) Bellow, Saul - The Adventures of Augie March
(*) Bronte, Charlotte - Jane Eyre
(*) Bronte, Emily - Wuthering Heights
(?) Camus, Albert - The Stranger
(?) Cather, Willa - Death Comes for the Archbishop
(!) Chaucer, Geoffrey - The Canterbury Tales
(?) Chekhov, Anton - The Cherry Orchard
(?) Chopin, Kate - The Awakening
(!) Conrad, Joseph - Heart of Darkness
(!) Cooper, James Fenimore - The Last of the Mohicans
(!) Crane, Stephen - The Red Badge of Courage
(?) Dante - Inferno
(*) de Cervantes, Miguel - Don Quixote
(*) Defoe, Daniel - Robinson Crusoe
(*) Dickens, Charles - A Tale of Two Cities
(*) Dostoyevsky, Fyodor - Crime and Punishment
(?) Douglass, Frederick - Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
(?) Dreiser, Theodore - An American Tragedy
(*) Dumas, Alexandre - The Three Musketeers
(?) Eliot, George - The Mill on the Floss
(?) Ellison, Ralph - Invisible Man
(?) Emerson, Ralph Waldo - Selected Essays
(?) Faulkner, William - As I Lay Dying
(*) Faulkner, William - The Sound and the Fury
(?) Fielding, Henry - Tom Jones
(!) Fitzgerald, F. Scott - The Great Gatsby
(?) Flaubert, Gustave - Madame Bovary
(?) Ford, Ford Madox - The Good Soldier
(*) Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von - Faust
(?) Golding, William - Lord of the Flies
(?) Hardy, Thomas - Tess of the d'Urbervilles
(!) Hawthorne, Nathaniel - The Scarlet Letter
(!) Heller, Joseph - Catch-22
(*) Hemingway, Ernest - A Farewell to Arms
(!) Homer - The Iliad
(!) Homer - The Odyssey
(?) Hugo, Victor - The Hunchback of Notre Dame
(?) Hurston, Zora Neale - Their Eyes Were Watching God
(?) Huxley, Aldous - Brave New World
(?) Ibsen, Henrik - A Doll's House
(?) James, Henry - The Portrait of a Lady
(?) James, Henry - The Turn of the Screw
(?) Joyce, James - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
(?) Joyce, James - Dubliners
(*) Kafka, Franz - The Metamorphosis
(?) Kingston, Maxine Hong - The Woman Warrior
(!) Lee, Harper - To Kill a Mockingbird
(?) Lewis, Sinclair - Babbitt
(!) London, Jack - The Call of the Wild
(?) Mann, Thomas - The Magic Mountain
(?) Marquez, Gabriel Garcia - One Hundred Years of Solitude
(?) Melville, Herman - Bartleby the Scrivener
(!) Melville, Herman - Moby Dick
(?) Miller, Arthur - The Crucible
(?) Morrison, Toni - Beloved
(?) O'Connor, Flannery - A Good Man is Hard to Find
(?) O'Neill, Eugene - Long Day's Journey into Night
(!) Orwell, George - Animal Farm
(?) Pasternak, Boris - Doctor Zhivago
(?) Plath, Sylvia - The Bell Jar
(?) Poe, Edgar Allan - Selected Tales
(?) Proust, Marcel - Swann's Way
(?) Pynchon, Thomas - The Crying of Lot 49
(!) Remarque, Erich Maria - All Quiet on the Western Front
(!) Rostand, Edmond - Cyrano de Bergerac
(?) Roth, Henry - Call It Sleep
(!) Salinger, J.D. - The Catcher in the Rye
(!) Shakespeare, William - Hamlet
(!) Shakespeare, William - Macbeth
(!) Shakespeare, William - A Midsummer Night's Dream
(!) Shakespeare, William - Romeo and Juliet
(?) Shaw, George Bernard - Pygmalion
(?) Shelley, Mary - Frankenstein
(?) Silko, Leslie Marmon - Ceremony
(?) Solzhenitsyn, Alexander - One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich
(?) Sophocles - Antigone
(!) Sophocles - Oedipus Rex
(!) Steinbeck, John - The Grapes of Wrath
(?) Stevenson, Robert Louis - Treasure Island
(!) Stowe, Harriet Beecher - Uncle Tom's Cabin
(!) Swift, Jonathan - Gulliver's Travels
(?) Thackeray, William - Vanity Fair
(!) Thoreau, Henry David - Walden
(?) Tolstoy, Leo - War and Peace
(?) Turgenev, Ivan - Fathers and Sons
(!) Twain, Mark - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
(?) Voltaire - Candide
(?) Vonnegut, Kurt Jr. - George Bergeron
(?) Walker, Alice - The Color Purple
(?) Wharton, Edith - The House of Mirth
(?) Welty, Eudora - Collected Stories
(*) Whitman, Walt - Leaves of Grass
(?) Wilde, Oscar - The Picture of Dorian Gray
(!) Williams, Tennessee - The Glass Menagerie
(?) Woolf, Virginia - To the Lighthouse
(?) Wright, Richard - Black Boy
(?) Wright, Richard - Native Son

So now after taking all that time to do that, I am not going to go back and count how many or what percentage I have or anything. I have come to my own conclusion: Nobody should rip on my old high school because that is where I read MANY books on that list - kudos to my kick-ass English teacher(s)! However. I need to actually FINISH more books that I start - way too many *s, yeah? :)

Since I'm a snot and didn't answer my last couple comments I will answer some questions here:
KAYLYNN (love bug! thanks again for the call!) - you may miss my grad party - when will you be making another appearance? the shin-dig is on May 15.
ANNIE (such a manly name:) - echoing above answer, i not only party but in fact graduate on May 15. I guess that would be ten days away, or seven school days. Hurray!
ELIZABETHAN QUEEN (hee hee) - Can't remember if there was a question in there (dopey me) but I do know that you said I should write you a long email and I am planning on it. Right now it is application season and I have been living on resume paper and copy machines :) Soon I will send you lovely messages of lovely love!

What are YOU doing for Cinco de Mayo? :) I am teaching. Then I am going out to eat at Applebee's, where I am going to get my FAVORITE TYPICAL MEAL of classic boneless buffalo wings with ranch dressing and extra celery and a side salad without all the CRAP on it (just cheese and cucumbers please!), and french dressing. :) I think I will also partake in a minimunm of one Perfect Margarita. Then I am going over to Bobb's house because he is having a small and informal get-together, for which he made me some lovely SANGRIA (with real spanish wine!) and also - a cheesecake! After that we are all going down to Boomer's to listen to Bobb and Darrin (the SUPERTONICS!:p) play their usual Wednesday night gig. SO. From Bobb, I get alcohol, cheesecake, and guitar playing/singing :) All I could want above those things is some GOOD LOVIN' and I'll be totally set! (Like, TOTALLY! Oh my gosh! hahaha...) Yay yay. I'm kinda sleepy though. HOpe I wake up soon and stop being so groggy. I think I was given a total of 7 doughnuts, three muffins, and one plant today. People are trying to fatten me up and help me breathe better oxygen! I did not eat all of that, by the way. Just stuff I now HAVE. Yay. I think it's time for some CAFFEINATIONS! hahaha... anywhoooo. I better get back to some actual teaching stuff. here comes my next lesson!

Later, KIMMER

Date:	2004-04-26 13:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	dorky
Music:	"Adrian" (Spanish acoustic guitar - thanks B!)

Brr! It is always so cold in this school! I am wearing a sweater and pants and I'm freeeeeeeeeeeezing. School is going pretty well today, but I was exhausted to the point of nodding off during a few lessons this morning. Cripes. How bad of a teacher am I? Although I guess it's to the students' credit that they weren't playing so horribly that it was forcing me awake. :) I don't think I really ever made it to the actual "sleep-state" but it was close - and a tough struggle! I hate that feeling. Maybe i should go to bed like a sane person. Seriously. I worked yesterday and then ran around with my old roomie Sara... got home, puttered around, and then decided to lay down for a bit. I woke up groggy at 9-ish -- wouldn't it have been a great idea to just sleep the rest of the night? YES I THINK SO. But of course I didn't. I took a shower, got dressed, and went to play poker with all the band geeks. It was a really fun way to lose $4 (I put in $7 though! First time I didn't lose it all!) I got home around 1-ish, I would guess. STUPID. Yes sir.

I like the way my shoulders and collarbone look in this sweater. What a random thought.

I am in a much better mood now (as opposed to last week). After talking to a good friend, I realized that I may have suffered my first-ever panic/anxiety attacks last week. I was trying to apologize to her for not going into Sarah's (roomie) room when this girl was over - I WANTED to... I was in my room changing into my pajamas, telling myself to go hang out with them - I got to the door and couldn't. Literally. My mind and pulse were both racing and I thought I was going to throw up because my stomach was knotted so tightly. I couldn't say anything except a very quiet "hi..." I hugged them both very quickly and said something about going to bed. Then I went and cried myself to sleep. Weird. I think it was that I had a lot on my mind and didn't want to talk to anyone about it -- I was afraid if I did that I would lose control or admit that I am not always ok or break down or something. By Thursday night I was ready to talk -- I came home because Sarah was home and I had hardly seen/spoken ot her for two weeks - but then I got in the door and wanted to sneak to my room. So after suffering what Heather decided was another anxiety attack, I stood in the kitchen with Sarah and listened to her talk for quite awhile... Finally she turned to me and said "So how are you?" That was all it took - she looked at me with concern and I tried to talk - kept shaking my head (to say "i'm not ok") and then just started crying. I think I cried on her shoulder for quite awhile - or maybe it just felt like it. Then I spilled everything that had been bugging me - even the little stuff, even the tiny stuff that had to do with her - but especially the big stuff. It was like a 90-pound weight was lifted off my shoulders. I INSTANTLY felt better and my weekend was better because of it. I guess I just needed to be ready... And now, ironically, it seems that everything is fine anyway (cryptic and not meant to be understood completely)...

WELL YEAH. I suppose I could do something productive. I need to write up little direction sheets for my graduation party, figure out where I am going to get the copies of my invites done, request a sub for Friday when I'm in Cucumberland doing all sorts of little pre-graduation pre-going-off-parents-insurance stuff, write some decent lesson plans, get more application stuff going. Eh, I was SO ahead of the game for awhile there but I am kind-of at a halt now because i need to get to Career Services before they close someday to get my credentials sheet done.... and people need to give me their letters of recommendation. Oh, and i need to make copies of my transcripts, make sure mr. roy fills out those forms to say all my classes are fulfilled, buy a tassel from the bookstore, and find out if someone can take my waitressing shift the morning after I graduate - I really hope I'm in somewhat-bad shape that day!! :) After all that graduation stuff is done, I have my first (and only) concert at the middle school (the 18th) ... and then marching band and summer work stuff to figure out. Yikes. OH MY GOSH I still have some orchestration to finish. OOPS.

NOw I feel a bit overwhelmed. And there's very little I can do while I'm HERE. Nifty. Oh well it will all get done because it has to! :)

See ya'll later
-Kimmy

Date:	2004-04-21 08:58
Subject:	Hmm...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	about to be a sixth-grade clarinet!:-)

Ok, so that was a little weird. Right after I finished writing that melancholy, wandering entry, I decided to check my school email because I had received an all-faculty email from our principal. Every week he sends out these "Tuesday tips" (yes, it's wednesday, i know) that he gets from some Alan Zimmerman guy. At first I thought they were kinda lame, totally plugs for this guy's motivational materials and camps... but once I read the stuff he wrote along with his advertising, I realized it was quite interesting. It's always a different topic - but it's supposed to help you as a person and a teacher. THIS WEEK'S IS RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO WHAT I JUST WROTE ABOUT! WOW.

First, they listed 3 or 4 of Bill Gate's 11 Rules on Life... very interesting, with more to come.

I gotta go but I leave you with two quotes I could have used about 10 minutes ago.

"Life isn't the way it's supposed to be. It just is."

"Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved." -- Jennings Bryan


Well, ok then... HMMMMM

Date:	2004-04-21 08:38
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty
Music:	John Coltrane "The Ultimate Blue Train"

Sometimes I just feel like I have very little control... whether it pertains to other people, the environment around me, friendships/relationships, my own emotions and reactions... I hate that. I never knew until I felt my grip slide that I was a bit of a control freak. A bit.

All these years I have been (appeared?) pretty strong and fairly emotionally-healthy. Is this a delusion of my own and a misconception of other people? Or is it true - I am those things - but when I am a little off I feel so helpless that I cannot fathom that I am a rational individual? I don't know and I wish I did.

Right at a point in my life where I feel things should be stabilizing yet changing (achieving my goals and starting a new phase)I kinda feel as though everything is up-ended and I am staring at an unsure monotony... I don't think that I'm making sense. I guess I'm uncertain about a lot of things even though aspects of my life are falling into place by automatic necessity. I just hope (pray, even) that I can follow through, that the decisions I've made will allow me to carry out this plan that seems to be blue-printed by someone other than myself. I get to make the detailed decisions, the day-to-day things...

Every once in awhile, don't you feel that life chooses YOU rather than the other way? Schools choose us, jobs choose us, significant others, friends, sometimes family... I don't know what I'm saying. I'm totally contradicting my normal outlook on life - that you can shape your own future, that attitude is everything, that change is what you make of it... So why do I feel as though I'm caught on a river in some cheap plastic kayak without a paddle?

Excuse the bad analogies. Kind of a specialty of mine. Anyway. I should get back to work.

Date:	2004-03-31 19:24
Subject:	My (Triumphant?) Return to LJ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	poppy radio -- some good, some yuck

... ok, so it's probably pretty short-lived. :) But here i am to give the requisite 4-month update on my life.

Last time I wrote (I cannot BELIEVE how long ago that was -- actually seems longer in many ways) I was very stressed about a lot of things. Let's see, how did they turn out? My orchestration got "done" but not really - I got my first-ever "incomplete" which i am currently working to correct (thank God for nice professors who love me!) ... since then my day-to-day has been teaching. I am a 6th-grade band intern in a small-town middle school. I do love it, though the job is taking more of a toll on me (physically, especially) than I imagined it would. Today I am home sick for the second time since I started!! Those little buggers carry lotsa germs - and I am trapped in a small room (office) with said germs ALL week. i give about 70 lessons in there each week, so I suppose they are blowing their nasty little germs all over me. :) It's ok, supposedly we become immune to this after one year. I found out from my cooperating teacher (who is a heaven-sent beautiful goddess of wisdom and love:) that in THIS specific school district, first-year teachers have about 3 or 4 more sick days at their disposal than "veteran" teachers... simply because it is actually a FACT that teachers really need to get accustomed/adjusted to all the new bacterias/germs they are exposed to, as well as the "burn-out" factor that their energy level suffers. Lisa (coop teacher) had to literally push me out of the school yesterday afternoon because I felt so terrible about missing more school -- and then today I ended up calling in (there was NO WAY I could teach...) Anyway. I think I am really not digging the "missing school thing" because I very recently missed an entire week - an excused absence, as I went on a trip with my college wind ensemble to Europe. YAY! We went to Iceland (beautiful, surreal, and breathtaking) and Paris (I'm in love with this city - it is just intoxicating). yeah, it was an amazing trip. I honestly thought that i would like Iceland significantly better than Paris (France has such a bad rep for how tourists are treated) -- but I really loved different aspects of both places. The tranquility and purity of Iceland was refreshing, while I loved the frantic city-pace and diversity of Paris. I have lots of lovely pictures, so if any of you people I actually see on occasion in real life want to see them, let me know! :) I didn't feel that I was looked down upon by people in Paris - there was one waiter who gave us a bit of a difficult time, and i htink he found us very amusing, but I get that at some places right here, too. In general, I have found places that I've visited overseas to be far more polite than the US. And it's true what I"ve heard - people really seemed to appreciate any effort my friends and I put forth to speak whatever the native language was (French or Icelandese)... and actually, after that they were very willing to speak English, teach us new words, and usually an interesting conversation would start up. So yeah. I loved the trip and last week was a difficult transition back to the real world of getting up at 5:15 in the morning and working all day. Geh. I was thinking that I would like to live abroad for a few years. I don't know where - if I wanted it to be Paris, I would certainly have to learn French... but I would love England as well, and I haven't yet been to Spain, Italy, Germany, or Sweden, so I am not well-informed enough. :-) I would seriously consider that as an option if I find myself bored with my job and still single four or five years down the road - why not??? If I'm bored and married - well, that's a different issue ;) hee hee. Maybe I would make my hubby move with me to spice up our lives! ha!

To try to move into what I wanted to write about next, marriage is a really bad transition, so lets back up to the trip and the stuff that was stressing me out the last time I wrote. One thing bugging me was my upcoming senior recital, which I was very happy with. I know it wasn't the most astounding musical presentation my friends and family have ever been exposed to, but I thought it went well, I was pleased with my performance, and most importantly, I got to be with a TON of my friends and family. We went out, of course, in grand tradition of post-concert fun. :) Here's where my story takes a turn. Near the end of the night (meaning bar-close:) it was down to four of us - another girl I knew fairly well, a guy I am pretty good friends with, and then this other guy who I had been friends with for about a year and a half, ever since he started coming to school in RF. This other friend, Bobb, is a total sweetie and someone I thought the world of. We ended up dancing and I started to have "weird" (ie romantic, whatever) thoughts about Bobb, tried to kill them off, then he kissed me (a tiny kiss with a LOT of effect on poor Kimmy!:) ... we tried to just let it slide for a few days (well, not so much "it" as "them," since there were actually three little-bitty kisses) - but anyway. :) My mind was totally blown, because Bobb was that guy that I just loved but never thought about that way... and I don't know why. Probably because he had a girlfriend when I met him, so I just thought "don't go there." In any case, I started thinking about him like that THEN... And I guess you could say the rest is history. We've pretty much been dating since then. WOW - that's almost four months - and three months was the longest I've dated anyone since my Adventures with Collin. He in in the Wind Ensemble, so he was on the trip to Iceland/Paris too - and that ended up being a really great time for us - and everyone in general. I was a little worried that eight straight days together might cause problems, but it never did. I think being friends for quite awhile before all this happened really helps us out in situations like that. We can be friends at all times and we're cool with it. ... It's not without its problems, but what is interesting to me is what these problems are...
After all of my entries in the past year or so, you may have noticed that my romances all centered around very dramatic things -- really terrible guys, or guys that were attached to really terrible girls, what have you. It was never just a "it didn't work out" sort of thing. I have forgotten what a "real" relationship entails. I've forgotten how to deal with the supposedly-small stuff that once again is huge, like how much time is cool to spend together, or jealousy, or meeting families,etc... I'm used to cheating guys, lying guys (like, BAD lies), abusive guys, truly psycho girlfriends or ex-girlfriends, parenting issues, etc, etc... This is very weird to me but it feels a lot better, feels a lot more sane and right. Like I said, there are problems but it's nice to be with someone for once who is at the same stage of life as I am, who deals with many of the same issues, who is something like me while being very different. It's hard to keep myself from falling dramatically in love - or just falling in love, in general, to be honest - but I really don't want to wreck this new wonderful thing I have. He is seriously the most talented guy I've ever met in my life - music, computers, photography, writing, cooking, taking care of children *sigh*, being a good friend, teaching... he even frickin' knows how to crochet! (sounds like a good stereotypical WIFE, eh? hee hee;)

I'm not banking on anything, but I finally don't need to. I'm really happy. I am teaching, I seem to have figured out who real friends are around here, I am working on developing a relationship and better friendship with a kick-ass individual, and I feel like I'm constantly learning things every day. I am going to start applying for teaching jobs in the next week - very nerve-wracking, but very exciting. I have no idea where I will be living by the end of June - isn't that crazy? I need to check my Friends' page after this to see what YOU all are up to... Stay happy and remember I love you!
--Kimmer :)

Date:	2003-12-03 20:13
Subject:	Super-Senioritis
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	my drunk of a roommate watching MTV. LAME

DAMN I have never been such a slacker in my entire frickin' life. Seriously. I mean, I am busy all the time (well... kinda...) but I never get the IMPORTANT stuff done. Like right now for example? I should be writing one of four papers that are coming up EXTREMELY soon... or figuring out how I want to do my portfolio-at-a-glance that I have to present next week... or creating a program for my senior recital... or doing my %$#*$%*#($# orchestration project that I am about 1/8 of the way done with... or PRACTICING for said recital taking place in exactly one week and three days... or SOMETHING productive.

But in reality... I haven't been a slacker in four years - yeah, i've skipped classes here and there, but nothing extensive. And I know I have a high enough GPA that I can stand to slack a bit. Where'd that Anal-Kim go that wanted to push really hard to get a 3.8 and graduate Summa Cum Laude?? (Not cuz it means anything, just cuz I wanted to) Well, she is not here -and if anyone sees her, send her back. Maybe. Hmm. That also may sound snotty to some people (the whole "I don't need to work hard cuz I have a good GPA" thing) -- but it's not meant to be. It's just true - I busted my ass for four years and now I am sick of it. Ha!!! Plus, I am already under contract for my kick-ass internship in Ellsworth and I really don't give a damn about Geology 101, or even each individual orchestration project -- which is BAD because that actually applies to what I'll be doing. BUt i"m just sick of it and i hate computers and the way you can never save your work on a disk from one and have it print successfully from another. it just DOESN"T HAPPEN. EVER. So I say SCREW COMPUTERS, SCREW Finale composing program, and SCREW getting up in the morning. Although that may have more to do with something else... And with that little segue, I begin my next paragraph...

SO. About two months ago, I actually met a really nice, really DECENT guy. He could talk about his feelings (!!!!), be honest with me, carry an interesting conversation, debate over issues with me while still respecting my opinions, make me feel good about myself and life in general (or I guess I should say "better" because I already felt pretty good... but we can always use an improvement!!)... He wasn't a drunk, he wasn't a liar (not a very good one anyway! hahaha... inside joke with myself *sigh*), he wasn't over-reactive or quick-tempered... He inspired and motivated me. He is a good father and a good man. He was my friend, and that meant the world to me. And now, he is gone. He is gone because the words "obligation" and "stability" haunted his every waking moment, rang in his ears every time we talked. He thought he could make the decision that he knows in his heart is right, the decision everyone that cares about him wanted him to make (including his parents, brother, best friend, me...) - but in the end he couldn't (not right now, anyway. In a few years, yes, after giving up good years of his life to a bad situation). And while I am certainly feeling a void in MY life (when I wake up each day and realize that I won't be receiving my morning phone call, or when Tuesday/Thursday afternoons roll around and I realize that I won't be dashing off to meet him for coffee, a drive, or a walk)... I am REALLY upset - obsessed, almost - with the fact that I know he is miserable (and not because i'm gone, either). I know that he is being "treated like a dog" (his words, verbatim), and his feelings are not respected or thought of. I know that the only light in that fairly dark world is his beautiful daughter, the center of his universe. I guess I am supremely grateful that he has her... although he wouldn't BE where he IS if he didn't have her... anyway. That's a train of thought FAR too paradoxical for me to explore right now. I have only known him a short time, but I loved him as a friend. And my romantic inclinations toward him were fairly serious. It was weird to feel that way - not out-of-control, head-over-heels in immediate lust or infatuation... not some romance-novel trash about looking into his eyes and seeing my future children. No, what really touched the romantic in ME was the way we were immediately comfortable - not in some settled, ten-years-together way, but in the way that there was a sort of automatic ease and trust in each other. Maybe it was that our first conversation (besides me hitting on him, hee hee:) was actually an argument, started by him saying "retarded" (my least favorite word) and me getting on him about it. We really got into it about that, and the next thing I know we're talking about everything from his favorite band (Tool:) to where taxes should go with respect to education. And something else I really adored was the way he managed to surprise me over and over -- I kinda pride myself on being able to "read" most people (at least to a point). But this guy - WOAH. When he called something "exquisite," I looked at him with surprise. When he told me that his favorite type of music was not country OR classic rock (my 2nd guess), I was surprised. When he told me that he cried at the end of a lot of animated movies (mostly because of the parental factor that occurs in most Disney and/or Pixar flicks), I was astounded. That's just cool. And i surprised him too -- with my knowledge of hard rock (he figured me to be a classical-only girl), with my often foul/dirty mouth (everyone expects me to be a goody-goody), and with my tolerance of shitty situations. Anyway. A "let's talk sometime" inference for a friendship turned into daily phone conversations that gradually lengthened from 15 minutes to 2 hours. A friendship evolved into a relationship of sorts, and decisions had to be made. And sometimes people change their minds after they've made a tough decision. And i understand that, and I understand why he chose what he has. But I miss him, and i hate to think of him being unhappy, and i hate to think of that little girl living with so much tension, and with that kind of example of how to treat a man. THIS situation, THIS change of ... life? that happened over the weekend, THIS man ... also contribute to my lack of motivation. I don't know if I've ever reacted quite like this. For the first time in my life, I feel honestly *depressed* (I think...I guess i don't really know...) ... And maybe I just haven't given it enough time. In fact, I know I haven't. but i"m not dealing with it realistically, either. I keep my cell phone on at all times, even in class i have it on "silent" mode so I won't miss a single phone call. I rush home from school and work, hoping to find him waiting at my door, saying he can't do it. I check the door at work, waiting for him to walk in and say that he missed me, or he couldn't take it anymore. But.. I know that none of this would happen - even if he did decide to make his original decision. He would never seek me out in that way, because he doesn't want to "jerk me around" and he feels guilty already. He probably assumes I am mad, or moving on already. I don't know. I just know that I can't stop thinking about it/him, and it's driving me crazy. I don't like to go to bed because I think about times we had, the way his laugh growled softly in his throat, the way he gently touched my hair, the way we looked at each other when we had to say goodbye... EH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT.

Ok, I can't write about it anymore, i am going insane. I have about a thousand things to do, and I need to KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF. GET OVER IT. GET YOUR SHIT DONE. OCCUPY THYSELF WITH PRODUCTIVE THINGS AND STOP OVERANALYZING WHAT YOU CAN'T CHANGE. I hate this, I hate this. I always feel like such a weak person when I get my hopes up and have them dashed. But this time feels worse than I can remember feeling before -- because I not only lost a romantic interest, but I lost a friend. I've broken up with guys before, but always kept in touch with them as friends if i had the desire to. I miss my friend. I wish him sweet dreams and warm thoughts.

I wish all of you a lovely evening. See ya.
Kimmy

P.S. Zach, this was probably more than you were expecting/wanting, but it's an update, so no complaining!! :) J/K

Hey hey, look who has returned for a long-overdue update.

whoopee!

Gosh, there is so much going on in my life right now - I need to be energized, organized, motivated, and focused... and I just want to curl up and nap most of the time. EH! NOT GOOD. I feel like I've been running for three months straight (though I KNOW I've had some down-time) and I just don't want to do it anymore. I am sick of busting my ass for classes that (sorry to say) will really have NO BENEFIT to me as a teacher - or even an educated person. Does it seem to anyone else that "generals" are anything BUT general? Cripes, I feel like I should come out of my classes with a minor in that subject or something. And what REALLY gets me is that because i have to cram THIS information into my little brain, other important stuff (music or education) that I learned a long time ago literally seems to get pushed OUT! AAHHH! Or maybe it is just squished way in the back - I hope so! :)

The damn mini-conference is over and I couldn't be more pleased. I am pleased at how it went, pleased with myself for accomplishing something like that, and pleased that IT IS OVER!!! I don't have to live for that day anymore... no more constant emailing with presenters and committee members... no more worrying about food and room set-up... no more blah blah blah it doesn't matter.

Hm. I am in a lab in the library and two girls just walked in... I think I'm feeling judgmental today. I'm sure they are very nice girls, but they are what I call "cookie cutter" girls... too much makeup, overly-colored hair (frosted, highlighted, whatever - not dyed), and a way of making themselves sound extremely VAPID and superficial. I think a lot of girls sell themselves short by coming off this way. And who knows, maybe I do too. I do wear makeup, and I like to feel pretty so I often dress nicely. And I CAN BE a definite ditz... but I still don't think I give off this kind of impression. Hm. Maybe it's even more in the way they "sized up" everyone else when they entered the lab. Enough about that.

Well the love-life update will have to wait because I have class in 15 minutes and I really don't want to be late - I am ALWAYS late for this class. And let me tell you - trying to give an even remotely sufficient update would take a lot longer. To be very brief and lacking in detail... I currently find myself in a relationship that really ISN"T one yet... I got myself into what would be a Typically-Terrible Kimmy situation -- or at least one that appeared that way -- and it actually seems to be working out. Only time will tell, I suppose. But things are looking up and for right now I am happy with phone calls and occasional visits... I am so busy at the end of this semester anyway, a guy would probably feel neglected if we were to get too seriously involved. :) :) :) he's awfully nice, though!!!

I haven't even started my homework for Orchestration, which I'm taking as an independent study course. I have to write an "idiomatic" solo for EACH INSTRUMENT (on Finale, of course - the devil), as well as group pieces (i.e. brass ensemble, etc.) Hahahahahaha!!! Not to mention that there is some sort of FINAL PROJECT (I think I take the piano score to something and pull out parts for each instrument) -- but I don't want to ask what my final project is until I turn in at least HALF of the solos - my prof will kill me - he also happens to be my advisor and the department chair. Eep. :) Any suggestions on how to do this most efficiently will be much appreciated!

bye bye for now all - take care!
Kimmy

Date:	2003-09-25 20:19
Subject:	In a SCHOOL DAZE
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	Moulin Rouge soundtrack

Wow. *takes deep breath* Haven't been here lately! HOw IS everyone? I am just starting to get all caught up on your journals - you can expect to hear from me very soon. :)

what can I tell about my silly life. I can say that I cannot believe how fast this semester is going - and that my time as a footloose and fancy-free college girl is quickly dwindling down. I don't have one definite feelign about that - it's both wonderful and terrible, exciting and daunting... But I shouldn't get ahead of myself - I still have to actually get through this damn semester before i think about other stuff! :) my nineteen-and-a-half credits are keeping me "occupied," as well as extra ensemble stuff, preparing for my senior recital, being an assistant in the music department, working a new job, and having a bit of a social life. :) I like being busy - but every once in awhile I wish I had the control to just put everything in slow motion, you know?? I am in a "movement as meditation" class and it's all about being aware and being present in each moment- and I LOVE that. I'm trying to apply it in my life every day, but as everyone knows it's a struggle to be consistent with new things in your life (ie diets, etc.) -- and I still find myself just "getting through" everything without REALLY taking notice of everything about a situation or occurance. I will keep working on that...

I wouldn't be me if I didn't have some sort of story about dating or men, would I? Gosh, that's kind of sad - but it's also just ME - that kind of stuff is important to me. I think it's the fact that I really want to fall deeply in love - i want to have a best friend, and look in his eyes and just KNOW... know HIM, know he knows ME, know that we are on a team. And the good thing about all this is - first of all, for anyone who MIGHT understand this (I think there are only one or two of you) - a situation that has plagued me for about 4 years is slowly but surely becoming much less of a problem. I am able to enjoy a new type of FRIENDSHIP a lot more, and it creates freedom for me in so many aspects of my own life. I finally feel like my heart is healed enough and free enough to perhaps seek out real emotions again - instead of the quick-fixes I have leeched onto in the past. And granted - I think those mistakes were important ones - I learned from all my experiences, and i think that's all I can ask... There are two amazing men that I know, and I am in the process of solidifying friendships and trust with both of htem - because REGARDLESS of any romantic encounters that do or do not occur - they are remarkable human beings, and I would be honored and thrilled to have life-long friends in both of them. I'm not even dating either one (there's a surprise for everyone who's used to me rushing into stuff!) -- but just talking about stuff with both of them. One is a year older than me and a band director (lives over four hours away) and the other is six years older than me and a choir director (lives in my hometown). They both have a passion for music and children that inspires me and helps me focus on my schooling - which is great that it doesn't distract me from it. I feel very odd - having feelings for both of them, but for once really taking time to get to know a lot about... everything... My mom is just absolutely thrilled - for a couple of reasons: 1) I am taking my time and not committing myself to anyone when I have so much of my own stuff to cherish and love and be responsible for and 2) They are both honest, GOOD people, and I know it probably hasn't been easy for her over the past few years - watching me become involved with guy after guy after guy (who wasn't good for me, who nobody could understand why i was with them, who tried to dissuade me from loving and being involved in so many things)... Yeah. I know that this is a jumbled-up, run-on type paragraph, but I hope that it clearly states that right now I am a free person - free to do what I want/need when I want, free to love, free to dream, free to travel, free to be and see and do and think and care... And I also know that it insinuates that I'd like more than that - and someday I know I will pursue that... maybe soon, maybe later. Hmmm... :)

What else. Friendships are good, but different. So many people who I consider CENTRAL to my life, CENTRAL to who i have become over the years are far away. Jenni is in Arizona, Bessa is in Milwaukee, Kaylynn is in Chicago, Gina is moving to St. Cloud (not that far away but somewhere I never have another reason to go, so that makes it a challenge)... Anyway. I try to keep in touch, but I let myself get so caught up in all the stuff I "should" or "could" be doing here - so maybe this is some sort of apology? I don't know.I just hope that all these wonderful women know what an impact they have had on me, and how much I miss them -- and how dear those moments are when we DO connect - it's like no time has passed at all. ;) I love you! ... not to mention that new friends - Bradd, Michael, Craig, Carly are at a distance as well... and I do have some great friends here at school. My roommate Sarah (must I always live with a Sara[h]?) :) is TERRIFIC. I love living with her - it's a very mentally-healthy situation for me, which is nice. And I have a lot of friends through school too, and they make life so happy --- and brighten my day when it's not so happy. I do miss people who have graduated - Mike, Kaylynn, Sean, Darrin, Kate, Lori... but luckily still get to see them every once in awhile.

Wow. I guess this is just kind of a rambling day. It's super-chilly outside and I have a new snuggly-material sweater on. I love that kind of feeling. I think I'll put on some slippers and music and get a glass of wine... and read for awhile till Sarah gets home from her study group. then we're going to watch a movie, which will be nice - we've been pretty busy lately and are "jonesing" for a Girl-Night together. And I know there is homework I could be getting ahead on and cleaning that I could be doing - but I think its' important for me to relax and rest this one night so I can appreciate stuff more. (Kind of going with the meditation stuff on this... I LOVE IT)

Take care everyone, and I hope to be less sporadic in my contact and updating...

Love and hugs,
Kimberly

Date:	2003-08-22 04:11
Subject:	Oh how i love technology
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	"at last" - Etta James

This is short and incomplete - i'm here to tell everyone I love them and hope to be more in-touch soon... comp at home sucks and malfunctions... much like my cell phone. OK> so, LOVE YOU ALL and will start communicating ASAP!

In the meantime (before this crashes), may I say what a crazy thing it is to feel so happy when you think about something/someone that you feel like crying? It's a startling emotion...

Date:	2003-07-28 12:43
Subject:	Ooh-la-la
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	classic rock station YAY:)

Well, well... Let's see. What to write today.

I am HAPPY oh so HAPPY!!!!! :) :) :) Yay yay yay. Got really great news last night about a couple of things... Jenni is coming home for Sarah and Matt's wedding, and I am also actually going to have a DATE for the wedding! Hooray for not having to dance every slow song with a drunken girlfriend, or waiting on the side of the dance floor for some "interesting" guy to come along and "dance"... :) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY :)

I have been very productive today. My sleeping patterns have been SO WHACKED that I decided to be REALLY stupid last night - I was all wound-up and caffeinated after work last night, so I came home, checked my email, watched a couple of movies, wrote some stuff, and kept myself up until approximately 6:30 a.m. Then I set my alarm for 7 to make sure my brother would get up for work, fell asleep in the chair in the living room, mumbled some incoherent stuff at Matt as he left for work, then moved to the couch. This is where it gets weird. I woke up again and looked at the clock. Then I looked at it again. And again. Then I looked out the windows and wondered how in HELL I managed to sleep until 5:30 p.m. I was starting to panic a bit, though I don't really know why, I guess because there was lots of stuff I wanted to get done. So I quietly flipped out for a few minutes, closed my eyes again, and reopened them to see that I am a HUGE DORK and it was actually only 9:40 a.m. now (ie, the clock said 930 before)... I guess the glare from the windows "erased" a couple of the digit things... Yeah. :) So now I have written out ALL my bills minus one, called my insurance company and set up an appointment to get my windshield fixed, ended my useless and incorrectly addressed "subscription" to Victoria's Secret magazine, and I'm not even halfway through my list!!!! :) AND I still have energy and ambition. WOW. I need to pick up my room, finish everyone's laundry and put it away, cut up some melon, mow the lawn, call my old roommate, do a general pickup of the house, run to RL and get some film developed, write a letter to the Financial Aid peeps, and make a dentist appointment. And I'm also hoping to pop in my new Tae Bo video and do a little sweatin'. Heh! We shall see! :)

So... these pictures that I'm going to get developed. They will demonstrate a vast array of activities in my life, including but not limited to the following: my trip to the EAST SIDE of the state -- Lake Michigan, committee members, craig-n-bonnie, bradd, etc...; AND... Incredibly incriminating pictures of me at work on Saturday night. yes, that's right... I had worn a knee-length jean skirt to work, and was feeling rascally. So I got up on the bar and danced for my five customers, which had them laughing very hard. They'd been trying to get me up there all night and I finally decided to freak them out by doing it. you know what? it was SUPER FUN. And my dad was there, so he decided to be a Very Proud Papa and take pictures of his Little Princess doing things she shouldn't while at work. I finished off the film with some pictures of me and Skiddie's paraphanelia, and then me hugging my favorite customer - an 83-year old man named Gordy that I would be in love with, if there were any sort of practicality in that. :) I guess it's kind of a "Kim's Last Summer at Skiddie's" Celebration or something... I think my dad is a little sad about it, he wants us to have a little "going away" party one of the last times I work. I feel a bit pompous doing that, but at the same time, it makes a lot of sense. This is the type of place where I have gotten to know almost everything about all of my customers and they (unfortunately at times) have learned many things about me. It's nice in a way (and stifling, frustrating, and annoying at others) - so it will be a little sad to leave this "family." Anyway. I can't believe I just spent a whole paragraph on that! :) I am really excited to see the pictures. GRRR! Maybe I will go right now and get those developed, though that is totally NOT conducive to my schedule of Stuff to Do. There are a few certain pictures I want to see, though... :)

Ok! Enough of this NONSENSE! I need to get off my ass and do something. So I'll catch ya'll later - take care!
Love,
Doodlebug *** @~`~~

Date:	2003-07-24 01:55
Subject:	A good night of bartending is like...
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	Jazz for When You're Alone:)

... well, just a good night of bartending, I guess. I didn't make a particularly good amount of tips, and I didn't see all my favorite customers (i.e. friends that I persuade to come sit there and drink at a discount, keeping me happy/sane)... but somehow getting the hell out of dodge for four days really refreshed me and I think I may make it till the end of summer without killing a barfly!!! Good news for all those i was looking to for bail money... ;)

**LJ point of info!!! I have a new biography (finally! got rid of the snowflake one) and I also have a new name... Doodlebug. A one-time customer that happened to stop in tonight told me that was an appropriate name for me. I don't know if he knows that that is the name of a sponge-y product that I actually used to package up at 3M, but regardles... i like it. And maybe I am the only one who will think this, but it seems to fit me. It's dorky to ask people to call you by a nickname that THEY didn't make up though, isn't it? Hmm... At least I can be "doodlebug" here if nowhere else:)

I went to Manitowoc for my Steering Committee meetings on Thursday and Friday, then bummed around the town/city for Friday afternoon, being my gawky,touristy, singular self. I think all the waitresses at the restaurant i went to felt sorry for me that I was alone. hee hee. They were all gushing all over me and stuff. I was happy to be alone, and even more thrilled to be pampered! I was so relaxed that afternoon. AHHHH. Yep. Then I headed to Appleton to check into my hotel, and i was pretty much a bum for a couple of hours there too... Organized all my stuff like the Type A person I am sometimes (since I was staying for TWO WHOLE NIGHTS I hung up my clothes and arranged other stuff so it was more "liveable" hee hee hee)... I watched TV and started four books, tested out my king-size bed to see if appearances were correct and that I could indeed sleep sideways on it if I so chose... Ordered a pizza, overtipped the delivery dude, then only ate half of it (with the brilliant thought that I would finish it the next morning - YUCK! Way too much cheese, non-refrigerated, and pineapple pizza just isn't good if it's not fresh and hot...) So that was fun. THen my friend Craig called and informed me that he was heading to my hotel so we could start our evening-of-fun... We called Bonnie (mutual friend) and went for a drink at Applebee's before we saw a movie, then we split off from Bonnie again and went to a German tavern downtown. That was kind of cool, though neither of us was too fond of our experimental beer. :) It was a nice night... I went back to my hotel, ended up watching a couple of movies on tv while I read one of my books in its entirety. I could not put it down. So I finally turned off the lights and went to sleep (diagonally!!!:) around 430 or something... I slept WAY in:) -- missed the continental breakfast, as a mattter of fact... damn. Then my friend Bradd:) called me up and said HE was heading to Appleton so we could hang out, and that was a GREAT time. We had lunch at The Olive Garden, visited Craig and Kohl's (and unsuccessfully shopped for a shirt for Bradd), went back to my hotel and worked out details of the field show I am writing for the band he is now teaching, went to the mall and had ice cream for supper, went to a theater and saw "Pirates of the Caribbean," and then sat at Perkins for two hours while I consumed an entire pot of CAFFEINATED coffee and Bradd drank decaf like a sane person, and we split an order of toast and some fruit:) I mention that because it was a very odd thing to be eating at that time of night. :) *sigh* I had such a great time the whole weekend. Sunday I took my time getting up and checking out, shopped a bit before hitting the road, then took a route home that was almost as adventurous as my drive TO that side of the state. ;) I love traveling - even though that wasn't too much of a distance, it was still great. I love feeling independent and relaxed... I even stopped on my trip to Appleton from Manitowoc to illegally pick some flowers growing along a road so I could put them in a cup of water in my hotel room:) DORK!!! I wish I could have seen Miss Elizabeth and Zach while I was over there, but... next time, right? :) It was EXACTLY what I needed right then - to get out of Cumberland and away from everything that was making me feel as though I were suffocating. And then yesterday (Tuesday) I went down to River Falls to pick up bills and run various errands, decided to stay overnight, and hooked up with some of my favorite girls... We went out and chatted and stuff... :) I am just so happy now. So I need to make sure that I keep getting out of town overnight fairly frequently.

Wow, that was long! I should go to bed now, so I don't sleep all damn day tomorrow. I need to do all my laundry from my trip and make some phone calls... ah, it feels good to be productive, and, more to the point, to have the DESIRE and AMBITION to be productive.

*Concern about self: Is it really WRONG that I was very attracted to the swaggering, eye-makeup-clad Johnny Depp in "Pirates of the Caribbean?" Seriously, there was something pretty damn sexy about that... Hmm.... :)

Nighty-Night.
DOODLEBUG;)

Date:	2003-07-12 02:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	irritated
Music:	it WAS System of a Down, calmed into a Madonna fix

I am in a "Screw you, World!" kind of mood. ... But it's changed over the course of the past few hours - it went from a raging, swearing, music at top volume, gas pedal to the floor kind of anger to a calmer, sad, irritated, frustrated, pensive one.

I feel so lost within the confines of the life my own deliberate decisions/choices have created.

To feel replaced is one thing, to feel invisible is another. To be rejected is one thing, while being unsure of where you stand with someone is so much harder to deal with day in and day out.

*sigh*

Anyway. My dad had back surgery Wednesday. It went really well and I"m thrilled that he isn't in pain anymore. But i was really nervous about it before I got to talk to him after he woke up, and there seemed to be no one that I could talk to about it. My close friends here (and who would that be? I'd think about 5 or 6, but it really comes down to 2) either didn't catch the hint that I was a little preoccupied with it or didnt' want to ask. Eh.

Maybe I"m oversensitive. But somehow my summer seems to be passing me by subconsciously, so it's odd that I can feel the hurt so vividly (I feel the happy points too, but they fade faster, which sucks).

And it occurred to me tonight when the band i work with was marching in RF (my college town) how much more that place feels like home to me now. I always feel good when I'm there, very much ME. That's a good feeling, and it makes me anxious for school to start, which i definitely didn't expect after last semester.

In other unrelated and unimportant-to-anyone-but-me news, I lost five pounds last week. HOO-FRICKING-RAY, it's about damn time.

ok, I need to go to bed. Later Gators.

--Stargazing*** ** *

Date:	2003-07-09 00:29
Subject:	Pretend I wrote this yesterday (July 8)
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	Soundtrack to "French Kiss" because it's on tv

Four years now.

Every summer I give this update - about how many years it has been... every July 8. So yippee skippy, it would follow that since last year was Year 3 that this is Year 4. And what do i have to show for it? What is the point of remembering this every year? How long will I continue to celebrate this false "anniversary" in my own mind? It only serves to make me feel lonely and foolish, which are both feelings that I could really live without bringing upon myself. I wish I were a little bit stronger so I could just say, "No more, that's it. I am done with it, I'm over it. I will not allow you to have such control over my life (not that you probably even recognize that you still do)." but still every July 8, I try to figure out some way to bring it up to you, to see if it haunts you the way it does me, to see if those words ring in your ears, to see if it really mattered to you or if you've brushed it off as something silly...

ho-hum. Dream a little dream of me.

-Stargazing***

Date:	2003-07-03 14:34
Subject:	Scramdamnbled
Security:	Public
Mood:	hot
Music:	nada. boring.

Right.

No detailed updates, no deep info about my life. I've been working and playing in approximately equal amounts, and the status right now is: vegging before work, stationed in front of rotating fan because we can't get our air conditioner to kick in and it's f'ing hot.

What should I do for the 4th???? I am totally undecided. I wish someone would just make my decision for me -- like, "Hey i'm going to be really pissed off if you don't come with me to what i'm doing." Because then it would be easy. :) Yeah. Where is a pushy overbearing narcissistic friend when you need one???

The inevitable subject: Men. Yeah, actually, let's just leave this one alone. DAMN I am one confused chicky.

Tonight at work should be interesting. This guy who is a friend of a friend (as in, I really do not personally think of him as MY friend) is coming way over here to Cumberland to hang out at my bar. WEIRD> Like, i had invited BOTH of them, because then neither one would be stranded/bored if i got busy, not to mention that I do not know this guy very well. He's nice (if a bit odd)... but I don't know if he's planning on spending the night at my house or driving back or what. eh. I kinda wanted to tell him to wait till the other guy could come with him but i didn't want to hurt his feelings, so... yippee skippee. PLUS tomorrow is (obviously) July 4th and EVERYONE will be buying offsale beer/liquor for parties and picnics. Hoo-fricking-ray. :) Maybe i will get some cash tonight!!! :)

I just thought i'd update since i've been so bad about it. Maybe next time i'll actually write something worthwhile... till then, bye bye baby byebye

Date:	2003-05-11 02:39
Subject:	closest thing to it
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated
Music:	---

i can't describe how i'm feeling right now. I can't stop crying. And, in fact, I'm so freaked out that I am not even going to write the whole story in here. To lay out the essental facts: I had a terrible night bartending, got to close early, went to a bar where a friend was DJing, and almost got jumped by an exboyfriend's girlfriend. I couldn't believe the things she was saying to me... and what was worse was how everyone in the bar just watched her scream at and degrade me. These are people I have known for years -in fact, three people are former neighbors of mine. And it was HER friends that held her back when she tried to attack me. ONE person actually stood up for me... ONE. And he got slapped. (of course it WASN'T my fucking pathetic weak-ass lying sack-of-shit exboyfriend). I was so scared, I was so angry, and I was hurt. WHY?????/ WHY DO I CARE what this loser of a woman who was apparently somehow bothered by my presence thinks of me? Maybe it was the intensity of the things she said. Oh my God, they ripped right through me.
-you don't belong here. Fucking leave.
-You're nasty. You're disgusting - gross, LOOK at yourself.
-He never loved you, you fat, lying dyke. He TOLD me "Look at her, could I love that?" And looking at you, YEAH. GROSS.
-Yes, you ARE fat, and you ARE disgusting. You make me sick, you make everyone here sick. No one gives a shit about you, except that you leave.
-you will leave if you know what's good for you... what does that mean? God, you're DUMB too! It means you will get hurt if you don't leave. GO.
-I know all your nasty little secrets, you stupid bitch. You are so fucking revolting - God, lose some weight, you fat slut.

....I looked her straight in the eye and remained calm (outwardly). I think that made her more mad. I don't know. I don't care. I wish she would drop off the face of the earth. I sincerely do. I have never felt this close to hate before - well, maybe once, but... this is pretty intense. I was so scared and so pissed and so embarrassed - i don't get into stupid, trashy bar dramas!... but I don't think anyone knew it. When some guy pulled her away, her friends (pretty nicely, actually) told me that I really should leave, because she would never let it go and that it was going to get worse. I informed them that I thought it was total bullshit, but that I wasn't going to wreck the night for the wedding party that was there (and yes, my favorite girl WAS with the wedding, isn't that sad?) , and i wasn't going to listen to her for the rest of the night. So I was walking out and she was telling some people I passed how well she knew me and how very nasty and terrible I was... and I lost it (somewhat). I turned around and screamed "SHUT UP!" at her... and she lunged, hard. she was trying to hit me and throw her drink on me all at once, and once again her friends held her back. I apologized to someone I knew in a bridesmaid's dress nearby and walked out the door. I made it to my car before i lost it. And now I am here, all alone at home. My mom and brother are both out of town, and i"m scared. Maybe it's ridiculous, but... I just know things about this person. She's beyond destructive. I had no idea she was going to be at the bar - otherwise I never would have gone.

OK, i guess i did end up telling the whole story. Oh well. If she wants to kill me and bust into my email account and private info again, she will anyway. I woke up a friend to cry to her... I kinda feel badly about that... but I cannot remember being this shaken up before. I keep hearing cars go by and i'm wondering if it's her.

I have to conduct church choir in the morning. It's my last time. Maybe it's a really good thing that I will be breaking almost all my ties to Cumberland (minus family and close friends) after one more summer of bartending and instructing the colorguard. (Oh my God, oh my God.... please keep me safe) I just had a conversation about fighting with Zach, too... interesting. He told me not to fight... and his words kept ringing in my ears while she was in my face... so I didn't. And that's agood thing, because she has put people in the hospital more than once. So thank you, Zach (if you read this - and by the way, I wanted to call you but I didn't want to wake up you or Dawson... so yeah.)

ok. i think that's enough. I'm all shaky and cold. I think i'll sleep in mom's bed. For once i wish i WERE taking care of Kip tonight, i'd bring him to bed with me. I wish someone - almost anyone - were here to put their arms around me and tell me it'll be ok. Because i'm kinda scared it won't be... but that's stupid. I know it.

Whatever. Goodnight.

*If all the world was apple-pie
And all the sea was ink;
And all the trees were bread and cheese,
What would we have to drink?*
(from Mother Goose)

...ok, this little rhyme almost had me in tears tonight at a concert... So you can imagine what the next bit of poetry did.

*In my heart's sequestered chambers lie truths stripped of poets' gloss
Words alone are vain and vacant and my heart is mute.
In response to aching silence memory summons half-heard voices,
And my sould finds primal eloquence and wraps me in song.
If you would comfort me, sing me a lullabye.
If you would win my heart, sing me a love song.
If you would mourn me and bring me to God,
Sing me a requiem, sing me to heaven.
Touch in me all love and pleasure, grief and comfort;
Love and passion, pain and pleasure.
Sing me a lullabye, a love song, a requiem.
Love me, comfort me,
Bring me to God, sing me to heaven.*

-------
I don't know what's up with me. Once again I'm feeling a bit neurotic, with all the highs and lows I'm having.. I am sure it has to do with a busy schedule, screwed up sleep patterns, and less-than-stellar nutrition... but I still hate it. I turned 22 about 45 minutes ago. Hm. I am never going to write this paper right now, who am I kidding? But I need to, because I'm going out tonight/tomorrow (monday) to a cheap Mexican restaurant (in honor of Cinco de Mayo, of course) and I'm sure a stint at the bars will follow, which means a late, tipsy bedtime tomorrow as it is. Not a good scenario for writing a paper. Crap. I have a couple of 2 hour breaks tomorrow, but i really need to practice t-bone and piano. Grr. WHY do I procrastinate??? Bastardly habit. My "boss" took me out for brunch today - it was so much fun. I can't quite describe how it made my day, it was just relaxing and enjoyable. And then my mom and brother came to visit me while I was working at the bar and they brought me cake and ice cream (complete with candles!) so we could celebrate together since I had to jet off to Grandpa's and then a concert right after work. That was really cool. I had a beer with my brother last night. I think it was the first time that's ever happened. Kinda cool. he's such a great guy. What else. I think i should pretend to be productive and at least look up the info i need and send off that damn newsletter. :)

ok. Goodnight from the Sappiest Sap around... I'm all misty-eyed for no reason again... :)

-Stargazing*******

Date:	2003-04-25 18:01
Subject:	Schtuff
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty
Music:	cars and people outside

First, the inevitable update (for anyone who wants to know WHAT'S UP in my life):

- The L situation has been resolved; there will be no relationship, no dating, and I would guess no more physical interaction of any degree. We talked for a long time on Wednesday and everything is cool. It sucks, but... it makes sense and is probably for the best.
- The Z situation is... on hiatus? I have no clue. Second date was postponed, and has not been rescheduled. Either way he is turning out to be an outstanding friend.
- The B situation is refreshed as of a brave move on my part yesterday - I called him! (sounds rather 7th-gradish, doesn't it)I am making it a priority to find time to go visit both he and Carly over there.
- A new situation has come up: T... I would consider him to be a player (or at least think of himself that way) but he's also incredibly interesting, talented, and fun to be around, so I guess if all that Big Talk he's been laying on lately actually produces an offer of a date, I will say yes and see what happens. I think this is what they call "playing the field" and i am very unaccustomed to it, but... supposedly it's healthy? So far it has been easy, because not much except a lot of talk is going on with any of these guys. I think if anything actually "gets going" with anyone that I will not be able to continue, because that's not how I work. I DO believe in one girl and one guy (or a girl and a girl; guy and a guy - you get the gist)... I would love to be in love.
- Roomie situation last night created a total feeling of relief that I am moving out in about a month. Living with a two-faced bitch is no fun, I'm finding out (again).
- I might get hired by another marching band to do a camp for their girls!! Yay!:)
- I am looking forward to this weekend - no choir, no work on Sunday... home alone all weekend, too. YAY.

... ok, enough updatey stuff.

Today after school I came home and decided it was too gorgeous to stay inside and take a nap. So i did something no one in our building ever does: took two blankies, a pillow, a can of pop, a book, and my sunglasses and went and laid out on my front lawn. I don't know why no one here does - I htink it's the shape or set-up of hte building or something. In any case, it was wonderful. I looooove spring. And I have a new bike to ride! :-D
It's weird... I wanted to write in here because I thought I had all these thoughts and feelings to get out - they've been clawing at me all week... but I think that hte combination of four hours at a great jazz club last night and two hours out in the sunshine this afternoon has lifted some of the weight from my shoulders. I have ZERO ambition and concentration for schoolwork, and I really need to work on that, I know. I also need to look ahead and start practicing for my trombone jury, accompanying Z and S for theirs, piano profiency exam,and mary's wedding... yikes!

anyway, crap. I have to go now. Later, ya'll