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LiveJournal for Melly the _ųġĻĩĕĔ__ĎuĈĸĹĩŊğ_.
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| Saturday, August 28th, 2004 |
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Artist: Yellowcard Song: Ocean Avenue There's a place off Ocean Avenue Where I used to sit and talk with you We were both 16 and it felt so right Sleeping all day, staying up all night Staying up all night There's a place on the corner of Cherry Street We would walk on the beach in our bare feet We were both 18 and it felt so right Sleeping all day, staying up all night Staying up all night If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever Let your waves crash down on me and take me away There's a piece of you that's here with me It's everywhere I go, it's everything I see When I sleep, I dream and it gets me by I can make believe that you're here tonight That you're here tonight If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together Let your waves crash down on me and take me away I remember the look in your eyes When I told you that this was goodbye You were begging me not tonight Not here, not now We're looking up at the same night sky And keep pretending the sun will not rise Be together for one more night Somewhere, somehow If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together Let your waves crash down on me and take me away I swear people are watching my life and keep writing songs about it. *sigh* god I miss him. I've already cried today and I got up 20 mins ago. I'm gonna have a great day. :( |
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| Oh I didn't know I didn't write that we did get back together but yeah we did get back together and now yeah... | ||||
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Hey guys. I've had the worst possible month ever I think. I guess I'm only doing it to myself but things aren't really the best. Where do I start? The main thing that is getting me down is that Marc and I have broken up and its for good this time. Like I've said time and time again. Words cannot express the love I have for him. He broke it off because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. But then I find out its all these other reasons that I was selfish and a jeolous bitch. Which I can see where he's coming from and I know I messed up the best thing that has ever happened to me. Everyone tells me theres no use crying about it and just get over it. Its so hard. I just can't turn my feelings off unlike he says he could. I guess he never loved me. He even said it, I said "Did you ever love me?" "Yes I did" "How can you just stop feeling this then?" "I guess I didn't love you then" That was just the worst thing I could have heard but before he said that. I walked in to find one of my best friends had stayed at his place that night, IN HIS BED, but he assures me that nothing had happened and I trust him. But that was also a kick in the head for me too. And to add to that matter, she just keeps hanging out with him even though she knows how much its hurting me. Its not her fault, well maybe a bit but I still am pissed off. Marc and I had a few drinks the other night and we just ended up saying things and screaming at each other. And then she stayed at his place again after me offering her to stay at my place earlier and she shrugged it off. I don't think I'm going to have a head left after all these dissapointments. God I miss him like crazy. He's changed so much, but he can't see that. He just thinks its because we aren't together and hes treating me differently that I think hes changed but he's really not the guy I feel in love with. I just hope he realises that because we all love the old Marc. My friends were crazy about him and thought he was the most awesome guy in the world. I can see where he's coming from but acknowledging my feelings just doesnt seem to matter with him. Its just turned midnight, 28th August. We would have been together a year today. Today is going to be the worst day for me to deal with. I just wish I could die. It seems like a much better idea then dealing with all this heartache and I'm not just saying that for attention. I just wish this pain would go away. Thinking about it just runs through my head everyday. I started cutting myself again about 3 weeks ago. And the scars on my wrists are there permenantly now, I wish I didn't think that was the way but it seems the only option lately. I've tried talking to people about it but sometimes it only makes it worse. Mum and her friends think that if he comes around he really did have genuine feelings for me but if he doesn't he isn't worth it. Mum loved Marc, as much as he didn't believe it my family was crazy about him. I think for the first time I really bonded with Mum the other day when she said she had exactly the same problem with Dad when they were dating but look at them now, they are still together and their 20th wedding anniversary is this year. I'm not saying that I was thinking about getting married this early but some days I thought, Whoa I have the best guy in the world, I wanna be with him forever, I don't think anyone can ever match him. He is the most kind hearted man you would ever find. I know you might not think that from reading this and I don't want you to get that message. He is great! I wish I could go back and change things I would give my life to go back and change it but I know its not going to happen because his mind is set and I know I can't change that as much as I want to. Somedays I wake up and I think, I'm not going to let this bother me, be strong, do things, and it usually gets me through the day but at the end I'm a mess again. Then I have the days where I wake up and think that it's all a bad dream and everything is suddenly going to get better. His mum is the most caring person you will ever meet. And I can see where Marc gets it from. But sometimes I don't think he realises how much his mum does do for him and how much she does care about him and me for that fact. I used to think that she just said it because I was her sons girlfriend but she seems to be the only person that can sort my mind out and she makes it just that bit better for a bit. I don't know why I just let it keep getting to me, I've been so sick lately, I don't sleep, I don't eat and when I do eat I just get so upset and it doesn't stay down, I don't do much at all, I even started smoking again which I am really not happy about. And I have started drinking hoping that it would take me away but it just makes it worse. I look like shit, Mums really worried about it, she reckons I always look sick and tries to feed me food and talk to me but she just doesn't understand. She knows I'm hurting but she doesn't deal with it the way I would like her to. She saw the cuts on my wrist and asked what happened. I just told her I was scratching and it did that. She didn't believe me but just shugged it off. I know feelings sorry for myself isn't helping me but its the only thing that I feel. I feel like a zombie, and everyone else just runs my life for me. I'm so drained and crushed. I think I'm the most stupid person in the world for FINALLY letting someone in and care for them. I used to shield myself from it. I used to use people to make myself feel better. I used to run at any emotion anyone had shown me. I love him to pieces and I love the time we had and the memories but I just feel like nothing. He made me think I was truely beautiful and that I was finally accepting who I was with myself and other people. I can't believe I'm still typing because I feel as though my eyes are going to pop out of my head. I guess I might try and sleep, which prolly won't happen but meh. I might put the lryics to a song that I downloaded today, Its kinda how I'm feeling (apart from the fact the song is about a chick so just think a chick sung it for a minute ok). Artist : All-American Rejects Song : Don't Leave Me You're sweet just like the sun But what happens when the sun doesn't stay? The night reminds me when you went away Now my mind was pacing, heart is racing contemplating things that I lack Even though you left me by myself, do I want you back? Will you stay or will you walk? will you let go? Leave me all alone I'm giving you one more chance To make things last Ring around the roses then she'll stay Leave me once Leave me twice Kiss good-bye that will suffice When you go away Don't look back Leave me once and i'll be fine Leave me twice i'll make you mine Just one more chance to make it once again As the days go by, I am asking why did you leave You left me alone and then you walked out on me Thinking of days, thinking of ways, thhinking of things that I should say I wanna be with you and that's the only way Don't say good-bye, just dry your eyes A tear for everything that I did wrong Don't say goodbye, just dry your eyes Listen now just try and see me please don't leave me now. Well its not kinda how I'm feelings, Its TOTALLY how I'm feeling. And everything in the song has happened to me lol. Melissa xx |
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| Monday, June 14th, 2004 |
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I HATE MY DAD!! I kinda hate myself at the moment too... i was thinkin before... what he would do if i ever did something... prolly nothin ey... just like alot of other people... blah so many mixed emotions right about now... |
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004 |
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god ive just been reading through my journal, geez im so dramatic when im upset...i seem like the biggest desparado, but i cant help it ey... I love marc so much if ya cant half already tell and i would give anything to be back with him.... anyways shreks on so im gonna go watch that... write in here later mel |
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ok well he wasnt here for a reason... he was still asleep coz he went out drinking last night, so i forgave him for that and i wasnt pissed at him. god i realised a few things today while hangin out with him... i love the way that we are hanging out now... I mean i wish i realised this while we were together, its so good coz we actually have stuff to talk about and i miss him... I still wish he would take me back lol Anyways im gonna go play the sega.... and wait for my pizza to arrive.... i'll write later :) melly xoxo |
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luke and em broke up last night, he said he didnt love her anymore... and then that night he walked allt he way to her house to ask her to take him back coz he realised how much he loved her... i kinda have a little bit more respect for him now.... emma was feeling EXACTLY how i felt and still feel... but her boyfriend come back to her =( i wish someone could love me that much and care for me... god i cant think of anything else.... god some bitch hit on him last night i wish i could just hunt her down and fucking kill her... =( stupid fat mole im gonna go play my guitar to get my mind off things... hopefully marc turns up soon, he said he would be here at 2 on the dot... he also said he'd ring me... its now nearly 2.15.... meh mel xoxox |
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| Saturday, June 12th, 2004 |
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everything is so fucked... im so drunk... im bawling my eyes out. I had to beg my friend to hang out tonite. =( I FUCKING HATE LOVE... i wish i had never fallen in love. It hurts so much. I just wish he would come back, how can you sudden not love someone.... Our relationship was so good, I thought I was so lucky... Hes so pefect for me... yet he "doesn't feel the same way" anymore. I erally cant take it any more... i miss him so much, each day gets harder and harder coz i want him to cmoe back but i know it wont happen and i know he might be with someone else soon. i couldnt stand the thought of seeing that. i wanna be friends but i want so much more.... God I hate fighting with Marc, I feel like shit afterwards. im starting to think moving away would be a good idea.... im just making everyone else's like a misary here.... i dunno anymore.... im gonna go to bed Mel |
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Hey, well yeah its been just over a week since alot of crap happened to me... has changed me alot, and has made me realise alot too. I intend on getting wasted tonite, when thou I gotta work at 8 in the morning. I've realised what alot of people were like, and I've realised that I am so in love with one person I cannot start to describe how I feel about him. But now I can't have him. I wish there was a way to describe to him how much he does mean to me but I guess I just can't say it. I used to hate thinking about love, I used to hate thinkin about being with someone for ages. Now thats all I can think about. How much I need to be loved, to be told that I mean so much to someone, to just spend nights hugging and just being together with him. It sounds really stupid coming from a 17 year old but thats all I want at the moment. Being friends so smoething I will have to get used to thou I guess. People are just so fucked. They try to help, but they don't. They treat you like shit and make fun of things that happen to you, and then they want some sympathy back and they expect you to be there. I'm sorry but I don't class that as a friend. I hate the way people try to comfort you, but then go on about how much they love this person or how happy they are with them. It's not going to cheer me up any more, only making things worse. I feel like my whole world has changed, I just feel so lonely, the only time someone calls me is to borrow something or they are bored outta their brains, or they want to use me. I feel like I have no friends. I prolly don't. Nothing can ever go right for me, not even my own parents pay any attention to me, and when they see that I'm upset they go and buy me something, like its gonna make everything magically all better. Anyways I gotta go back to work for a couple hours... I'll write here when I finish, and prolly alot when I'm alot more full of alcohol. Mel |
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| Saturday, June 5th, 2004 |
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| i feel so lonely... its the only emotion ive been feeling lately... | ||||||
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| Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 |
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hmmm, I told myself I would get up this morning and write in my journal but then i realised, why bother, its not like its gonna make anything change, its all shit anyways. Lately I feel as thou everything that I ever believed in or loved or whatever has gone to shit. I used to think I'd never be happy and that changed for a while but hey guess what... back that way again. Meh why bother any more I guess. |
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004 |
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Hey all, whoa i havent written in here for ages... hehe... been really lazy i guess... annnnd my putey blew up too lol. Mah power box blews up hehe. Mum kept sayin there was a smell comin from my room, but I just thougth that was a hint to clean my room. heh, but yeah it was the smell of my power box fried lol. Ahhh well. So anyways I'm at Marcs place now, hes sittin behind me eatin his grilled cheese and tomato sauce toast that i made for him and playin the sony 2 lol. Hes so adorable, hehe, I wubs him so much. heh, I wrote "I heart u" on his toast in tomato sauce, then he said awww thanks but now i need more tomato sauce on it lol. Hes a silly rabbit. Hes nearly gots his car on the road now too yey! Hes just lookin for one stupid little part number for his o2 sensor and get that part ordered and it should be workin fine he tells me. I hopes so, hes so cute when he jumps around and gets all excited when he does somethin to his car that makes it work betters ^_^ hehe. I wish i could get a photo of him to post on here... good luck thou ~_~.. bahhh HINT HINT Hmmm, yeah I think I'm really gettin a problem with drinkin coffee actually lol, I'm drinkin one now and its the 3rd one ive had in a couple hours lol, i htink ive had 4 today. I'll be gettin as bad as dad soon lol, he drinks so much coffee.. arghh.. nahh i loves mah coke too much. Lol all I can hear behind me is gun shots, explosions and military people shouting shit from the game Marc's playin. Red Faction I think it is. Bah, I bet him once at it outta like 4 or 5 gos, so I'm happy lol. The little shits too good to play... and the games I used to beat him at hes practiced at and now hes beatin mah ass big time at em lol. (bloody tony hawks 3 lol). God I slept so much today lol, I went to bed this mornin at 1am, then slept all day until 12.30 then waited for Marc to get home from work, and then went back to bed at 4.30 and got up at 6.30. and I've been drinkin coffee all day, I'm not even freakin tired lol. OH YEAH! I gots a spongebob phone case the other day yey!! I'll post it up tomorrow night. I had to take the first one i got back coz the fucka wouldnt fit on mah phone, the clear shit of the case must have run over the mould when the case was gettin made, therefore not fitting mah case, so i took its back and gots another. heh I wasnt happy when it wouldnt fit but its all good nows!! Just gotta get the spongebob ring tone and i'll be happy ^_^ Sigh the net is so boring now... Meh I think I might go watch Marcy play tha game.. Hes gettin agro with it lol. Nighty night!! Wubs Melly ^_^ |
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004 |
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Hey all, well its been a couple days since I last updated my journal. I got lazy, plus I wasn't on the computer too, that might be a reason too :P Anyways a fair bit has happened since I last wrote. Omg, I watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre on Sunday night. I fuckin shit myself, I was so scared. I think Marc and Megan thought it was funny seeing me so scared lol. I'm sure Marc woulda had a saw neck after me cuddling him and squeezing him in the scary bits lol. The shithead kept sayin the "Chainsaw Man" would come bursting through his bedroom door when we went to bed, so I slept about as close as I could get to him that night. lol Last week one of my friend's little brother was killed in an accident, he was riding his bike and hit by a car on the highway. So his funeral was on Monday, I didn't go, I should have but yeah. It was poor Katrinas 18th birthday on Tuesday too =(, she won't forget her birthday this year =(. I workedthat day and as I started work I saw the hearse go past and mum started going on about how I shouldn't be stupid when driving my car and shit. She always finds a reason to give me a lecture even if the opertunity is over someone being killed. She doesn't miss a thing that woman! Anyways Tuesday was ok, Marc and I were both woken up at 7.30am by a chainsaw noise and guess what the first thing he said was.... "The Chainsaw Man is after us" lol dickhead. The landlord of the place Marcs family is renting was putting a backyard area. I'm sure theres fuckin rules about using power tools before 8 or 9 in the morning. After we were woken up I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and Marc went back to sleep! We went shoppin with Megs in the morning, kinda boring, shoppings getting very boring. Then back to TAFE again today. Woooo, don't we just love being given assignments on the first day back from holidays. To make things worse I've come down with some kind of headcold. I swear my head feels sooooo big, and my eyes are all blurry. Its fuckin shitty. I left half way through the day and went home. And here I am. Oh yeah Marrrrrmmmy got me a new keyboard too =P its black and silver. Yes I know its sad, I got excited over a keyboard lol. Anyways I think I might go take some more cold and flu tablets and a couple pain killers for my headache and have a sleep. Might write later if I feel a bit better. Melly xoxo |
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004 |
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Ok I'm awake again, have been since about 8 when peoples rangs me. *yarns* I'm feeling a bit better now, I think I was just a bit tired and just sick of havin a bad day. Talked to Bonnie about a couple things and for once I actually said some helpful things lol... "Being comfortable around someone comes trust and from trust comes love, how can you expect to love someone if you cant be comfortable around them?" ahaha sounds very umm... yeah i dunno ey, I dunno if I thought of it myself or I read it somewhere and just can't remember it! Yeah anyways I have to catch up on some sleep, plus I have to work at 9 in the morning so I betters scoot off to bed. Nite Melly xo ^_^ |
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| Saturday, April 17th, 2004 |
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So yeah, what a crap day its been. Once again I'm home again on the night I'm never home. Pretty much just staring at the computer screen like a mindless drone because theres nothing else to do. Even if there was something to do, I would still sit here doing nothing like i have all weekend. Meh, well I thought this would be a good oportunity to get things out instead of keeping them to myself again and get depressed again which is the way I've been going lately and I sometimes don't even have a reason to. I feel like shit and I feel like everything is falling apart again. I've had the shittest day, I've had for a while today. Its just one of those days where people just annoy you and the people who mean most to you upset you and it hurts so much even if they don't realise how much it actually does hurt. So yeah, water works here in my room today. Nothing went right, I'd try to do something and it just wouldn't happen or I got ignored. And comments coming from different people just annoyed me. I'm gonna go sleep I think, I'll get up later and write again. Mel |
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just testing |
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ahahahha I forgot to write before, my dog headbutted my dad this afternoon. I would paid to see that, apparently dad was giving my brother a push up contest and the dog come running up and smacked him fair and square in the forehead ahahahaha. The dog yelped and dad fell on the grass ahahaha. He has this huge big lump on his forehead now ahahaha. WooooOo I thought that was pretty funny. WoooOoO look at my horoscope for today: "There are a few weeks yet before serious things start to move forward so get some fun mental or pshsical action happening today" Woo what a day I have planned ahead of me after I wake up =P My headaches goin away now but I still feel like I'm gonna hurl everywhere, I guess I shouldn't have eaten that pizza tonite! Ahh well... Ok I think I might go to beddy byes now! Night All xoxo meLLy |
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Howdy Doodie, Well yep, I've started my journal again. Aren't you all proud of me! lol, hmm so its a Friday night and I'm sitting at home writing in my online journal. What does that say about me? lol, not alot I guess. I have a killer headache thou so thats why I didn't go out, not that any of you are interested! *yawns* Hmm... Yeah just wasting time for my baby to finish work so I can say goodnight to him and give him a kissy kissy lol, damn late shifts. So yeah heres the low down of my life so far this year. I graduated high school last year and now I'm at TAFE doin a Diploma of I.T (information technology), good choice ey.... *rolls eyes*. I think I would rather high school to TAFE so many freakin reports and crap is due. I had reports and text book questions commin outta my ass last week but I got most of them done... yey!! Umm, yeah I quit my check out chicky job at Woolworths at last. Woo, I was there for 2 years, I'm glad I quit, but my new jobs not alot better but hey, I'm workin for my Mummy now in her store. I don't really do alot its kinda cool lol. I get paid to sit on mah ass ^_^ I don't miss Woolies one bit. I walked in there the other day and just about everyone working there was new, weird how things change within a couple months lol. Speaking of change thats another thing that been happening. Alot of things have changed since high school, but I guess that tends to happen when everyone moves away to uni or changes after school coz they don't have to pretend to like people any more lol. Its weird not having some good friends here, but I've still got most of my good friends here so its ok I guess. Hmm yeah I really dunno what else to write... but I think I will go get another glass of coke and a slice of pizza ^_^ Ok got mah coke! hehe and the pizza is heating up! I think I might start my website now hehe and write in here later!... HEY KEL!!! :P lol This is Melly signing out for the moment... have a goodin evenin! ^_^ |
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LiveJournal for Melly the _ųġĻĩĕĔ__ĎuĈĸĹĩŊğ_.
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sad.
crushed.
annoyed.
amused.
hungry.
drained.
depressed.
crappy.
lonely.
dorky.
sick.
tired.
geeky.
crazy.