| Recent Entries |  |
Friends Entries | |
Calendar | |
Archive | |
shadowmuse | |
|
|
|
|
|
Journal
|
|
July 2004
|
|
|||||
|
I can never think of titles when I make an effort to do so I had a half day at work today. I was to attend an early afternoon appointment at my ObGyn (which is code for 5 minutes for $80) All is well it seems. Well to a point. More tests have been scheduled. An endless barrage of them in fact. My boss is going to be overjoyed to hear that news. Another appointment in a month, another half day. These things just have to be done. I was also having a crisis about a personal training appointment I had at 6 which I had to cancel due to the fact that I couldn't fit it into my day. It just wouldn't squish into my 24 hours, so I cancelled. Fuck it, I don't care. I don't think I should have to feel guilty about it either. I'm a busy girl these days. Came across some wise fatherly advice in a mag I was reading on the way home yesterday. Sums up my theory today. 'We had a school tennis tournament and this guy was beathing me. I let go of my racket and shouted: "Bastard!" Then I saw my dad approaching. "Having fun?" he said. "No," I replied. He said: "Well, don't do it," and went back to his seat.' Current Mood: |
|||||
bouncy
|
|||||
|
Over here for a while then Took my LJ back, which was mine originally, then wasn't, and now is again. So there :P My site is temporarily dead so I'm over updating here for a while, or might just make it permanent again. It's been sitting here quietly for long enough! Current Mood: |
|||||
restless
|
|||||
|
At last Yeah, I think I might resurrect this thing :\ |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Say what? I keep a lot of stuff. I realized that today whilst sorting through the masses of text files and doc files on my computer. I keep the strangest things. I really need a more organized method. I went searching for something today that I just know I had kept and couldn't find it anywhere. I know I kept it. After doing a search I find it in my temp folder. How it got there I do not know. but anyway, organized chaos.. sometimes it's easier that way. Spending all day trying to work out how to stream .ra files through my site. Downloading 9Mb programs only to find out that the 1Mb one I was looking for all along was right in front of my eyes. Long evening. I'm also trying to figure out why when I record vocals I get really bad humming in the background. I figured maybe it had something to do with some power source to close to the mic, but I don't know. I need to figure it out because it's ruining recordings. Yeah, 3am again... Current Mood: |
|||||
busy
|
|||||
|
Reasons? Hmm, you know. Twice my mother has told me something over the past two days and both times I have no clue what she said to me. The first time was being woken up and I'm standing at the door, blinded by the direct sunlight, all I could do was nod and utter the occasional ok. I can't remember what she wanted now.. Second time was the phone , half asleep again. Why is she calling only at these times. I guess I should call her back when I'm able to understand simple sentences again heh. Poor mum, she's getting so frustrated at me. I'm about to go to bed after having been up for almost two days. Sleep has not been my friend lately. Hopefully it won't put up too much of a fight this time. Minties and Acid Bath were the only thing keeping me going.. I'm out of both so I guess it's bed for me Current Mood: |
|||||
crazy
|
|||||
|
Foilage There was a sticker on the roll of aluminum foil and I had to look twice because I swear it said 'Warning - End of the world approaching.' Of course it was just the end of the roll that was approaching and I rolled my eyes, trying to look like I knew it said that. Then I wondered why on earth I would need to be warned so sternly about only have a tiny sheet of foil remaining. It was in big, bold red letters and I suddenly felt like perhaps I should run out and buy some more, right there and tehn. What would happen when I reached the end of the roll? What a mystery.. Current Mood: |
|||||
tired
|
|||||
|
I think I'm here Ok.. well, I seem to be back. It was a long time ago but I still remember the cause of that last entry. I won't write about it now. I was at an extreme low for reasons I will eventually go into I guess.. If I even allow myself to. Hmm, anyway, I am here :) In a much better state, believe me. Things are looking good, for now. Just wanted to say thanks for your support and thanks to you guys that cared enough to speak your mind. Sometimes it's just enough to know yer not alone in this, you know.. Will write more later, I promise.. Current Mood: |
|||||
calm
|
|||||
|
Torment I don't think I can write anymore. I don't think I can stand to do this, day in and day out. I'm considering the reasons I did in the first place. Why do I need to display this and let it consume me above anything else. I just want to let it all go. I want to open the doors that for years have been sealed shut to me. I want to wipe everything clean, I want to destroy the very thing that inspired me. I think I'm at my lowest point. And I hate the fact that even now, after all these thoughts have taken over, I'm still doing it. Still trying to make up excuses for the reason I am here. I don't need any fucking excuses to do what I do. I don't want to be tied to routine, I don't want to put two years of my life on hold again so that I can feed my cravings for reason, for acceptance, for normality. I pray every night to this false god. I'm on my knees begging for a reason to get up again, for just ONE reason. Why won't they tell me? I loathe the sunlight and what it brings. The anticipation is killing me. This fear of events, people. I hate this. I failed the happy families test. I can't bring myself to do what I need to do. It makes me sick to watch the way I analyze every single aspect of every single minute. I can talk myself into it. I can tell myself that its just a phase. Just a phase. Two years. I want to erase it all. |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Just for you Kory DONT LEAVE!! That's all I'm saying, hopefully you will read this. Current Mood:
|
|||||
worried
|
|||||
|
wtf The things a good dose of paracetamol will do to you..heh, did I even spell that right??. Eh, I'm not caring. This shitty cold is annoying me dammit! I can't get anything done.. I was updating this design a bit, but fuck it, I'm going to bed, I'll finish it later.
|
|||||
|
|||||
|
traumatized Now it's time for my own personal tales from the crypt segment. This weird ass thing happened to me the other night and I still shiver when I think about it. A couple of friends and I often go to this place called Colo River, which is one of those cool places that is completely unaffected by outside noise. It's completely still and drenched in this eerie atmosphere, surrounded by miles and miles of forest. We go there and hang out under this old bridge and just talk or whatever. Anyway, we were all coming back from a long walk around the upper parts of Colo, back to the car so we could head home. I noticed at that point, that there was another car besides ours there. Michael mentioned something but I didn't really hear him, I assumed he was annoyed that we had company, not that it mattered much at this point, we were leaving. So we got back to the car and everyone was in a bit of rush at that stage, confusion setting in etc, trying to get home on time. I stood there facing the car, hand poised to open the door when I realized I'd made that stupid mistake you sometimes make in busy car parks, when yer concentrating on something else. I realized I had walked beside the door of the other car, not ours. Soo, feeling like a complete idiot I spun around to Mike and went, 'Haha! damn how embarrassing. I hate when you do that!' He's laughed at me too and then gone, 'what?? ' I said, 'when you go to open the wrong car door. I almost opened that other persons door! hahaha' , still laughing more.., trying to shake off the embarrassment. Mike said.. What car?? I felt that awful feeling , that warm trickle running down the back of my neck.and I spun around only to be faced with nothing but an empty space. The only car there was our own. And I had , 5 minutes ago, stood by a very real, very solid car. Current Mood: |
|||||
weird
|
|||||
|
brandon Just scanned this in real quick. It's from the Australian Kerrang! magazine. Brandon's looking damn fine, If you like him that is.  |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Ben folds, tea and lack of sleep I got into a designing frenzy and forgot to go to bed.. Well after I'd done some tweakage web wise , it spread. I decided that I would move some furniture and stuff and anyway, to make a long, long, long story short, It's all back where it was in the first place now. After moving it all I discovered the reason I had put it like that in the first place. Hahaha! In other developments, I just came across this site that were offering professional web design. They were pointing out the do's and don'ts of good site design and there was this cheesy midi file playing in the background that almost crashed my PC mind you. lol, for real, I think someone in that company is on crack.. Current Mood: |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Renovating Yup. I feel the need to re-design. It's also because I can actually taste colours now! I should elaborate because this new vision isn't the result of designer drugs. I'm on a whole new speedy PC, which is satisfying my power urge. I had this older crappy PC before. Ugh, was it ever and I was limited with what I could do with it plus the video card was shite. But now.. now! Anyway, that's what I'm up to. I love how getting something new or replacing, renewing etc makes the future look all shiny and happy :) It's such a refreshing feeling. |
|||||
|
|||||
|
How long do I have to wait I feel quite pathetic at the moment. I sent an email a while back (business type) and I'm sitting here waiting for a response. Getting excited everytime I get new mail. But it's always just advertisers trying to get me to sign up for credit cards. In the US mind you. I live in Australia, sheesh, send me something of use. So yes, pathetic sitting here waiting for this email to arrive, and it probably won't anyway. It will when I go to bed, that's the way life works for me of late. It seems it does it just to spite me. There's only so much you can do at 3 in the morning. Everything is dark. Hard to function when you overwhelm yourself with options. Stupid options mind you that wouldnt matter shit if I just stopped going over and over them. But I have to for fear of not thinking. Lack of SLEEP I tell you.. I want this Tshirt and this one! hehe. Current Mood: |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Staying Well I ditched my website because I don't have the time to manually update such a huge site at this time, PLUS I love my LJ too much. Heh, aww. I'll be updating more now anyway since this will now be my one and only place of update Current Mood: |
|||||
giggly
|
|||||
|
Anana Anana. Isn't she a cutie.  With her mummy. lol, the look on her face..  Current Mood: |
|||||
sleepy
|
|||||
|
Shibby! I been playing with my new DVD player, oh yeah. It's become quite an addiction now. I already bought 11 new DVD's and I only got it a couple of days ago. I'm tweaking the style of my LJ. Messing up code and generally frustrating myself as I change, test, change, test, change and so on and so on.. It's awfully fun though.. I only got one section done, which is why others will not match for the most part .. YET They will, but not tonight. Hope everyone had the bestest New Years. I feel very confident about the fact that this year will be the year I put in action what I have been telling myself for the past 12 months.. But hey, I think I say that every year! Current Mood: |
|||||
|
|||||
|
Where is sleep? Ok So this NEEDS and update! But then I shouldn't just update for the sake of updating really and by all means, I'm not. I was talking to my cousins girlfriend the other day and she said as a writer I should be writing about three A4 pages a day as soon as I get up in the morning. When everything is still foggy and I don't have the time to analyse the hell out of it, which I so love to do. Now because I type faster than I 'hand write' it's easier to keep up with the myriad of thoughts and the speed at which I get ideas or remember things makes it short work of it too... Anyway, the point is, I'm going to do it online. I thought perhaps it might mirror the me I seem to have forgotten to look for. I dunno, whatever! I'll see how it goes. I have this huge respect for people lately, in a general way. I've been second guessing lately, doubting and being generally negative. Worrying about stupid things that wont matter in a year.. But something woke me up. I'll explain what started it. My cousin sent me this package, christmas cards, plus an art book of hers that I could use for study. She's like 30 years old but she has this illness where her mind is that of a little girl still. So anyway, she sent this package, covered in HEAPS of lil stickers and pretty swirling text, and then I looked closer and realised just how much work she'd put into it. She done everything in lead pencil first before going over it twice then colouring it, JUST for the envelope that she sent through. She had written little messages all over it like 'keep smiling' 'your'e beautiful' etc and it just effected me in a big way. That she could see the tiny little things that anyone else wouldnt even think of. It was an envelope, that would be thrown out and even ripped when I opened it, it couldnt be helped but wow, she must have spent ages doing that. I'm just overwhelmed by it all.. It's not easy to explain.. Sometimes I wish I slept normally, Sometimes.. It's almost 4am.. The sky is lighting up outside I think.. nite! :D Current Mood: |
|||||
touched
|
|||||
|
hm So there are reasons I haven't updated in such a long time. Uh huh. I have my journal now based at my domain so I've been writing everything there. I'm sure I will be using this still. I'm just not sure what for. Anyway, if you want to know what's going on with me you can find me at [edited - cus this site no longer exists] I'll still be updating my LJ, just not as much.. Current Mood:
|
|||||
mellow| Recent Entries | |
Friends Entries | |
Calendar | |
Archive | |
shadowmuse | |
|
|
|
|