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Monday, October 8th, 2001
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1:04 am
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| Sunday, October 7th, 2001
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7:04 pm
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Still no Connie. Just more messages back & forth and i'm getting scared that I won't get to see her. I did visit my mom though, which is something somewhat productive, something I needed to do. Jack was there & it all became quite real when I saw his robe hanging behind my mom's bedroom door and an extra toothbrush in the bathroom. It doesn't really bother me but it's new & still somewhat uncomfortable. I heard them kiss when he left. It'll take some getting used to but I do like Jack. And for the first time in a very, very long time, I heard my mom say she was happy.
"Even though what we did is wrong, bad morals, I want you to know that I'm happy... things are wonderful.".
She's been on & off meds for her whole life. But maybe now that she's genuinely happy, she won't need them anymore. I am happy that she's happy, even though my family is having it's own little war. At least the threats have stopped.
Where is Connie? I want very badly to spend the evening with her.
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11:56 am
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Today is a perfect Thanksgiving weekend day. It's cool & crisp & the sun is warm through car windows on your skin. Mm. Connie and I have been playing a major game of phone tag and still have not talked "live" since i've been home. She e-mailed me friday, I called her as soon as I got home (11:30pm) & left a message. I called her again Saturday around noon & left another message. She called me back Saturday around 8:00 & left a message. I called her back around 9:00 & left a message. I got home from church this morning & there was a message from her. Now she is out getting groceries so I will have to talk to her later. I need to see her before I go. Even if we just go for tea or something small. Even if I just run up & give her a hug before I hop in the car. But I need something. I need some piece of her to bring back with me.
So this afternoon is being spent with my mom, since Connie is out for the afternoon. Hopefully tonight will be Connie, and tomorrow afternoon Laura... and then it's TURKEY TIME. Dinner with the fam. I still need to pluck my eyebrows & put up a new layout. Mom said to give her an hour before I come down. So maybe this will be enough time for a layout to go up. It's not going to be much, I just need something new.
My eyes are tired. I read a lot last night: Jean Vanier's Becoming Human (excellent read so far). I haven't touched my gender studies but it can wait. I hate that class. I have a feeling Dad will be telling me to eat very soon. I really don't want to. But. What can you do when you live in a shoe?
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| Saturday, October 6th, 2001
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11:10 pm
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| Friday, October 5th, 2001
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11:58 pm
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Mm, I have finally arrived home. I am very tired though, and think I might read a little bit and go to bed. Exciting, yes. But this is what home is for! My dorm was eerily empty when I left. Tamzin came in, delighted that I was still there... "Are you staying for the whole weekend?!" but I told her that I was leaving in 5 minutes & when I wished her a happy thanksgiving she said "Oh yes, turkey dinner in the cafeteria!". It would be horrible to stay at school over thanksgiving. Poor girl.
I wish I had some sort of graphics program. Perhaps I will download one just for the weekend, or something. I am feeling the urge to create something. ANYTHING. It doesn't have to be elaborate, but at the time being, i'm not even capable of opening jpg's or gifs. I have MS paint & am limited to bmp's. So any sort of design is pretty much impossible. But I will see what I can do. I haven't done anything webdesign-related in ages. Beyond ages.
I am sitting in my room, wearing cloud pajama pants & a white tank, listening to Tegan & Sarah. I feel quite content. Mm.
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1:43 pm
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My darling room mate Jane. I find this picture hilarious: beer & deep fried pickles. Makes me ill. But she's just so cute.
I head home in 8 hours. Turkey time, baby.
My dad is being flown to Baltimore for a job interview at Coca Cola... this makes me nervous. I know, most likely NOTHING will happen. But just the thought of him flying down there so soon after what happened just makes me... squrim. Nevertheless, i'm excited. He was just about to open his own business but if he gets this job in Baltimore, he may take it. Hmm.
To do this weekend:
# Read to page 151 for Gender Studies
# Read Ch.1 Becoming Human
# Read Ch. 1-3 Losing your Religion, Finding your Faith
# Write Kenzie, Jenn, Chris, and Lindsay letters.
I feel slightly overwhelmed. Being sick has put me in slacker mode & I don't feel capable of getting everything done.
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| Thursday, October 4th, 2001
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8:09 pm
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Nobody is around but I am comforted by an e-mail from Connie. She is the cutest person in the world. (laughs) her comments on Ben (after looking up his picture in the yearbook):
Next on the list, BEN, yes BEN....... WELL I TOTALLY, I said 'TOTALLY' approve!
I just got back from my sister's house. She made us taco salad and we watched Friends. Speaking of which, I think we find out who the father of Rachel's baby is tonight. (being sick has made me a couch potato... not cool at all). My guess is Ross. Any other thoughts?
Janey has gone home for thanksgiving. I'm leaving tomorrow night. Tracey & Meg are missing in action. Ooooh, undeclared is on tonight. gotta go. xo.
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9:50 am
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My cold has come down to a cough & a bit of a runny nose which pleases me but I still wish it would go away entirely. Blech. Being sick is one of the most unattractive things ever. I thought about this while on the phone with Ben last night. Hearing me cough & gag on the other end of the line must have been a major turn on. Oh yes.
It's almost TURKEY TIME. woo woo! Canadian Thanksgiving is this weekend, so i'm heading home on Friday night. Very excited. I have an extra day, so my "people to see" plan is as follows: The fam, my mom, Connie & Laura. Possibly Terrene if she has time for me.
I did end up calling Connie during the day again the other day. My phonebill is going to be nuts. I pick up the phone planning on a 10 minute conversation but then while we're talking i'm thinking "Talking to Connie is worth missing a night out... talking to Connie is worth not buying this or that..." so I keep talking. We ended up talking for an hour. She makes me happy. "Am I going to get to see you this weekend?!". I got in a fight (over the phone, Connie as the messenger) with the girls who defaced our happy access center family portrait. They called me a jerkface. I told them to back off and get their own family. (laughs) stay away from my family, kids. I'll get possessive. They think they should get to be a part of our family. I find it amusing that people get jealous. Another girl wrote Connie a note during the summer, apologizing for storming out of the center, but explained she was upset about things & is jealous of our relationship.
I ate meat yesterday. Weird, WEIRD experience. Every once in a while a day comes along when I'm okay, and I am able to eat it. But today, the thought of that meat is enough to make me vomit.
Shower time. xo.
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| Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001
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4:47 am
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I am coughing a lot but my head is a lot less clouded and I can tolerate this computer lab today. I am wearing a candy necklace on my wrist (wrapped twice around my wrist because i'm wearing a turtleneck) that Jane bought me this afternoon. She seemed to be in a happy mood but then fell down this afternoon. In a matter of seconds, it seemed. She layed down on her bed, said she wasn't going to class, and whined about everything, until I left for class. I am not sure what's wrong but I hope it goes away.
I have been drinking lemon tea like crazy and to my greatest pleasure, my appetite is gone. I bought a veggie sandwich and a bowl of penne and chickpea soup at lunch and just picked away, not eating even a quarter of the sanwich, and perhaps half of the soup. All I really want is a baked potato for supper. Yum. I am contemplating going out tonight. I am still not fully recovered from my malady but I want to see Ben tonight. At the same time, nothing can happen because i'm SICK and wouldn't want to infect the boy. (laughs) i remember last year, the night I broke up with Brad. He thought the reason I didn't want to cuddle was because I was sick. "I'm not afraid of catching anything, you know" and I was thinking "That's not it at ALL, dude. Just let me find the words". These are totally unrelated topics. It just poppped into my head.
I just had a humerous conversation with a girl named Dana who has scared me from the first day I saw her. She's prepschool meets gothic and has intrigued me since day one, but intimidated me much more so. But somehow, we ended up in a conversation with some boy about the long "e" sound in words. Dana and I concluded riendeer should be called riender. The boy thinks riendeet. Either way, it was quite amusing. She makes up words too. Mindfuck is her favorite.
I should go eat supper. xo.
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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1:58 pm
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I am so fucking sick. Will somebody, ANYBODY, please come and chop of my head? Please?
My prof told me I can't miss any more class ("any more class" is because I signed into the course late and missed a few classes due to that, not because I skipped) and my head is pounding and my nose is stuffed and my eyes are watering. I'm sneezing and aching and coughing and it's just not a happy place to be. I think that I will ask him just how much my mark will go down if I miss this class. I am only in the computer lab because my back hurt from laying down for so long.
I feel like shit.
But the precious Lindsay brightened my day. My very first mail of the year: a package from Lindsay. The CD's are awesome Linds, thank you. The second one was a surprise but I am going to give it a fair chance because I stopped listening to them after Middle of Nowhere. I'll let you know what I think. Thank you thank you THANK YOU. xoxo.
I miss Connie a lot and think I will go back to bed & call her at work. It costs a lot but times like these it feels worth it.
Janey's heart, if not broken before, is now completely shattered. Fergus is a fucker. Dear Jane, why must you fill the space with such babble? We are not on days of our lives, this is not a soap opera. If you have a mental or emotional problem, that's fine, but I cannot place myself within it...the reason I don't have a girlfriend is just that: girls are crazy. You have proven again that males are the superior sex. However, I reach out my hand in friendship, in hopes that we can have a productive relationship. The dumb fuck. I want to smash the faces of those beautiful boys... He hurt my Jane. She said she's not going to cry.
I am going to die now. I wish the cafeteria had chicken noodle soup today. My tummy is only holding strawberry-kiwi juice, 2 vitamin C pills, a flinstones vitamin and echenasia (herbal cold medicine). Today is the first day of our "Formal Dress Diet" so maybe being sick is the kick I need, since my appetite is long gone. I must go to bed.
(sniffle, sniffle)
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2001
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2:43 pm
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I invited the boy to the x-rated hypnotist last night & he came but a big group of boys from home came up to visit him so we didn't really get to hang out a whole lot. I was slightly disappointed but I looked cute and some guy kept telling me that Ben was looking at me a lot, so I guess my "Girls! Make me Beautiful!" session was worth it after all. A long khaki skirt, a pale yellow sleeveless top and a fitted dark denim jacket. The hair was down & straight & flipped out at the ends. Pale yellow eye shadow. I hope he noticed.
I don't think the boys know anything about me & Ben yet. Mike was hitting on me. Good friend of Ben's. I kissed him last year. It was very very awkward. I felt like blurting out "I LIKE BEN!" but I thought that might make things weird.
Janey's heart has been broken again. I told her in the long run, it's a good thing that she's open & trusting & loving with full heart. It gets her hurt now, yes. But I have shut guys out. I have my guard up all the time. It keeps me from getting hurt, yes. But it's gonna take a lot for someone to rip through this wall i've built around myself. She just came on MSN:
Jane says:
I love you.
Katie Kat! says:
I love you too, sweetie.
She said our plan for today is to clean the room, cuddle and watch Chasing Amy.
In closing, the quote of the day. Mark said this at lunch (the wisest words are always shared around grilled cheese sandwiches in the cafeteria) .
"Just pee, hug teddy bears and have good friends... that's all you need." -Mark Savoie
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2001
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2:43 pm
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I talked to Mom last night for a long while. Mark came in and hugged me & left again. For the amount of time he annoys the hell out of me, there are times when he's just right. Things are calming down with the family & Mom sounds happier than she's been in a long time. She thanked me for being a wise & mature daughter and told me she loved me. Things are going to be okay.
I watched Sex and the City last night for the first time. Everyone always tells me I'm Charlotte. She was afraid to look at her own vagina last night. I laughed. I can see myself in her. Jane has been sleeping ALL day & the other girls are at the library. I should go be productive. xo.
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| Friday, September 28th, 2001
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5:31 pm
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I don't know what to do with myself tonight. Jane, Tracey & Meg decided it was a study night because next week is a busy one for them but I don't seem to have a lot to do this week. I could read becoming human I suppose, but I don't really feel the need to just yet. My only assignment for next week that I know of is to be able to say whether or not i'd be flattered if someone wrote To his coy mistress for me. Of course I would not be flattered. The writer is trying to pass it off as Carpe Diem but when you get down to it, he's saying "sleep with me before you're old and die and the worms eat your body". Thanks, buddy. It's a total seduction poem, and though some find it's humour attractive, I don't. I don't want to be approached that way.
Approached. I keep thinking about the possibility of entering into a relationship & it scares me. Fuck. Why do I do this to myself? I'm even nervous about making out. Why? Aside from random drunken kisses at parties or bars, I haven't had a serious make-out-on-a-couch since Brad, last fall. I think it all comes down to one thing:
I am afraid of someone seeing my flaws. I am afraid of being out in the open, of being explored, of being KNOWN. I am afraid of each bit of fat, each scar, each imperfection.
I see myself letting down my guard, of going further with someone and them stopping in disgust at the site of me.
"I'm going to make you love yourself. That's your only flaw." Thank you Connie. I'm still trying.
So, I don't know what to do tonight. I could call Ben but I feel that by calling him on a Friday night i'm implying that we should do something and I don't want him to feel pressured into inviting me somewhere. His little brother is coming up this weekend, I think, anyway. I would be content making a package for Chris & talking to Connie on the phone. We'll see.
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| Thursday, September 27th, 2001
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8:49 pm
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The pictures are fixed, I think. Yay Toga.
Friends and Will & Grace make me happy tonight. I also want to call Connie. I'm missing her so badly. I ate too much. This is gross.
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10:34 am
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I have been listening to Billie Holiday like crazy lately. There is such a comfort in slow jazz from the '40's. She is so incredibly soothing. I need a Billie & Frank Sinatra mix. Beautiful people.
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10:16 am
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First note: geocities won't let the pictures below appear. So if anyone is sweet enough to upload them on to their server for me, it would be greatly appreciated. I lack FTP at school, so must use free servers to upload, and now, even they won't let me post pictures. Not cool at all. Respond & I'll e-mail them to you. xo.
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Things are. Things are. Strange. Messy.
My mom called me last night. She sounded upset & asked if I had time to talk. This is all a long story so I am going to try to simplify. First, get the people straight (extremely important)
My Mom's mother = Nana.
Nana's stepsister = Nancy.
Nancy's husband = Jack.
Mom + Jack = a whole lot of chaos.
Mom and Jack are seeing each other. They have been for almost 3 years now, and just yesterday they admitted it to the family. Everyone is going crazy. My mom was bawling on the phone with me, saying she was afraid I wouldn't love her anymore. I felt like a parent. I told her if he makes her happy, than I am happy for her, and I'll support her in everything she does.
"Good Girl..." she whispered through her tears. "I love you".
Nancy & Jack have a daugter named Kelly (30-ish) and she & Nancy both have been calling and threatening my Mom. Nancy is going ballistic, completely losing it & I'm afraid of what she could do to my mother.
So. My mom is moving to Fredericton. She's moving here, to be close to us. Obviously, staying where she is, close to the family, is a bad idea for now. She and Jack are going to be together. I like Jack. I just wish he wasn't already married to Nancy. (I don't like Nancy).
Why can't it be beautiful Why does there have to be a sacrifice?
I want my mom to be happy. And i'm afraid of what my family is going to say about her. If anyone says anything bad about my mother in front me I won't hesitate to punch them in the face.
I cried & cried yesterday. It's strange because i'm OKAY. I am okay. I am not angry, I am not hurt, other than hurt FOR my mother, not because of my mother. It's just. Big. Huge.
Unreal.
I don't know what else to say about this.
Ben kissed me last night. We danced like crazy to the Grease Megamix. He twirled me around, pulled me close then spun me out. We both sang all the words & laughed like mad. He walked me home & gave me a hug & a kiss on the cheek which turned into a kiss until I put my hands on his cheeks and said "those guys over there are watching us", kissed him on the forehead & thanked him for walking me home. Something might actually come of this & I don't want to run away.
I dont want to run away.
I need Connie.
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| Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
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6:36 pm
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10:02 am
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I am a tired girl and have been trying to think of when I will be able to get a good sleep. Tonight is possible except for the fact that I have a lot of reading to do before tomorrow (which also means walking the huge hill to get to the book store to buy it).
I had a bad dream last night & want to talk to Connie. She was in it. We were at work and out of nowhere she told me that I whine too much and that I should be addressing her more professionally. So I said something to her and ended it with "Ms. White" and she sternly said "that's better" and it felt at that moment like every ounce of closeness we ever had vanished. I've never once doubted our closeness but this dream has me shaken up & wishing 6 o'clock would arrive so that I could call her. For what, I don't know. She wrote me an e-mail yesterday, the first line reading: Hey Cutie! Okay, call me crazy, but I miss you already! :( and this is not even 24 hours after I left. She is a wonderful person & this dream did not suit her. She is not the harsh person I saw in my dream & I didn't like it one bit.
But. It was just a dream.
My afternoon with Connie, however, was wonderful. Shopping & Dinner & lots of great talks. She got out of the car to hug me when she dropped me off at the bus station, and then put her hand on my face and smiled at me and I felt so very loved at that moment. I hugged her once more through the car window & ran to the bus. Sitting inside I looked towards her car & she was waving, so I waved back. As the bus was pulling away she blew me a kiss & I returned it. I was tempted to run back off that bus & stay for a few more days. (weeks? years?)
Jane walked into our room last night to find me sitting cross-legged on my bed staring down at the phone. She rolled her eyes & said "I'm going to the bathroom. You better be dialing his number before I get back". I was not meant to be in a relationship. Relationships... maintaining relationships... is my biggest weakness. I suck, royally, at them. But I dialed with shakey fingers and we chatted for half an hour and he said he hoped to see me out on Wednesday. Maybe i'm just lazy. Maybe the thought of having to keep my legs shaved & making sure i'm always wearing nice underwear is too much of a bother. (laughs) I'll be able to handle it someday. Maybe this time. Maybe there won't even be a "this time". Maybe i'm getting way ahead of myself.
I am such a retard.
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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2:22 pm
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In 40 minutes Connie is picking me up & we will hang out until 6:00, when she will drop me off at the bus station. I am so, so excited to see her.
I only brought sweaters with me & am absolutely dying. It's so hot today. Very muggy. So I choose the thinnest sweater, which is my wine colored argyle sweater from AE, but even still I am roasting. the rest were all thick turtlenecks, which would not be fun at all.
I need to make-up-erize & brush my teeth. later gators.
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| Saturday, September 22nd, 2001
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6:09 pm
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A phonecall from Connie has brightened my spirits.
"You're cavity free... and you're HOME!"
We're going out tomorrow before I head to the bus station. Not sure what exactly we're doing but I am beyond excited to see her. She told me to call her later tonight before I go out if I get a chance. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that someone really wants to talk to you & spend time with you. There are the people who you know are mildly happy to see you, but to see someone actually very EXCITED to talk to you/see you makes my heart warm.
Supper is ready. I'm going to the club tonight and i'm on my period and not really looking forward to it. Hm.
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