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memory [26 Jul 2002|10:00am] i never expected that this much would change in the span of less than a year. ive had this strange way about me, i always expect things to be the same, no matter how much time passes. i always think that the same people are going to be in my life, the same way they are now or the same way i hope them to be. then, things happen. i talk to my dad about this, and he always reminds me of this one new years when i was a kid. we went to the rose parade in Pasadena, just like every year. this time, we stayed in a motor home right on the parade route. it was in a vacant lot, there were tons of other families. we met these kids, probably like 8 of them all around the same age. we played football for like 5 hours straight. we all had so much fun, we laughed, talked, hung out, it was the first time that something like that had happened. it is so hard to just hang out with kids when you are so young, especially in such a short amount of time. we all watched the parade, listened to music, it was one of the best times i had had so far in my life with people other than my family. i was probably 10. we all promised each other we would come back the next year. that whole year i waited and waited for new years to come. screw christmas, i wanted to see my friends again! the time came, we went to the same place, no one was there. i was heartbroken, i couldnt believe it. my dad always tells me this story, to remind me that i have no control over what happens, that things are never the same as we remember them. that isnt to say that we shouldnt remember them. just that i have to remember that they are memories, i cant expect things to ever be the same as in that moment, so mke the best of it and move on. this summer, i have realized a lot. so much has changed that i never thought would change. and once again i am reminded. i shouldnt take things so seriously, and i should only be living the best i can in this moment. the next moment might be completely different. and i will have to live with it, no matter what happens, and i should be happy with that. 3 comments|post comment

re-birth on spirit ground [18 Jul 2002|05:58pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | bittersweet symphony ] it was yesterday. we went driving down the 99 then turned left on the 70 toward evergreen trees beautiful canyons i didnt know where we were going but i was crazy with anticipation we arrived, and drove up a steep non-paved road next to the river kept climbing up, then got out, it was all sandy and rocks got stuck in my toes we walked up a little higher the mountains were made of rocks, huge rocks like i have never seen before there was a mountain to the back of us, covered in evergreen trees we had to climb rocks that were in the river, they were huge, it was tough, but amazing finally...we got to the place she was taking me to she calls it her "spirit ground" that is a good word, but there is no way to describe what we saw, less than a mile from the road the most beautiful emerald green and blue water, visible clear to the bottom there were 3 or 4 different pools, each had a small waterfall emptying its crystal water into each pool. the mountains were covered with rocks, trees, vines, ferns yellow flowers there was one huge waterfall, with little waterfalls beneath it the mist was hanging in the air above, the sun was shining down, the sky cerulean blue i felt like i was in a dream, i have seen many beautiful things, beautiful places, they are all still as beautiful but i have never seen anything like this. it was more than a spirit ground i was re-born the water felt as clear and beautiful as it looked i was not in this world, and it still amazes me to be in a world filled with so much beauty i want to always be amazed i never want to see it as something to be overlooked, something that i have seen already so i dont look as hard or appreciate as much i want to see everything with clear eyes just like the first time over and over and over again. post comment

[17 Jul 2002|06:58pm] [ mood | silly ] [ music | crickets outside my window ] i have two things on my mind. and they have nothing to do with each other. this was a long time ago, a year and more, and he and i were looking up stuff online cause we were bored. we heard about those websites, the amihotornot.com and gothornot.com. we couldnt resist. we were laughing our asses off. i dont know if this was a real site or what, supposedly people sent their pictures and the readers would rate if they were "hot or not" or "goth or not". anyhoo,there was this one guy on the goth or not site, he was as white as could be, but had blondish hair. he had the star that is inside a circle behind him, i dont know what the name of it is, but i hope you know what im talking about. it was a nice touch and i think it may have won him some votes. the funniest part were the words written on his picture, it said: "all hail the king of all that is scary!" man, we laughed harder than we ever had before. after we saw that, we copied it to the paint pad on my computer and painted all kinds of funny stuff on him, gave him red eyes and a pig nose. i will never forget that caption. he must have really wanted to win. 2 comments|post comment

comfortable silence [14 Jul 2002|02:53pm] sometimes i wonder what it is that makes me me, you, you us, us. can you still be independent while being dependent on someone else? i dont know what that means, but it works. lots of questions, not nearly as many answers, and i feel content with that. there is someone in my life, all the forces seem to be keeping us together. it is just strange because he cant see it, he sees something, just not like i can. he always says i can see things, feel things before he can. we both see that there is something here, something that can not be measured or even described. i know that we are not going to be here much longer, all i know is that what i feel is ok for now. i dont know what makes it ok though.he is out now doing what he loves, trying to find himself, but lost in the fires. there is just so much positive energy between us, never anything but warmth and comfort. that is why everything is going to be ok, no matter what. 7 comments|post comment

Sunny, 90 degrees, soon to be 115. where are your children? [12 Jul 2002|10:28am] [ mood | hot ] [ music | screaming bugs outside my window ] since the summer started, all sense has been running, screaming out of my head. i dont make any. i have found myself talking so little that when i finally do, i cant form a thought and have it sound somewhat like a sentence. i will be talking, and halfway through it i realize i dont know what i am talking about, i dont remember what i was talking about and i get a little confused. there is so much i want to talk about, and i havent been giving myself the chance or i just havent been given the chance, and either way it goes, im not talking. i have found that when i get the chance to talk, i am not telling everything that i normally would have said. there are things happening that are important to me that i casually dont mention. my whole life, i have been so honest that i have nothing left inside that no one knows about. i dont tell secrets or personal things about others, nothing like that. but to make things real for me, i talk about them. i tell stories, i give my thoughts, making them real and hopefully giving the other person the strength to talk about whatever they feel. i wonder if i need this time alone, time to keep things inside of me, time to get to know me and not worry about anyone else for once. the only thing i keep worrying about, is that i might get so far inside of me that i never fully come back. but... no matter who i am wont i always be me? 1 comment|post comment

[07 Jul 2002|10:43pm] i am invisible to the world nothing but mist and clouds will find me they move at linger pace the wind touches grabs at my hair it wants me to come along it will grab for anything anyone to follow but we are too grounded like the trees little shrubs with roots to hold on we do the same hold on to anything and get too comfortable thinking-believing that this is where we belong afraid to move we stand still wondering where the clouds will go * i wish they could take me birds eye view suits me best i might follow the trails stone walls to the highest point (i hear the wind whispering "never come down, stay afloat") post comment

clear water...cleanse me. [07 Jul 2002|10:29pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Air. how does it make you feel? ] I take for granted my ability to think. my ability to feel. my ability to see things as they truly are. sometimes i am afraid. i look at my life through someone else's eyes, and i wonder what am i doing? who am i? i am content on my own then other times i feel utterly alone. there are places where i dont feel alone there is no one around and i still feel content right as the sun goes down, staring at pink sky i feel amazing underneath falling water i feel amazing hearing crickets while sitting on warm summer pavement i feel amazing god damn i have never felt this restless there is so little time my one fear in life not death not being alone i am afraid that i will not fulfill everything i am destined to that i will not see all the things i wish to see i will not meet the people i hope to meet that i will not take everything i am and live out my dreams. i have dreams they involve people, travel, experience, love, understanding. my life is a quest and i am giddy with the thought that i have no idea as to what i am looking for. post comment

california. [28 Jun 2002|10:19am] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | the verve, bittersweet symphony ] i realized i was home when i stepped onto the blacktop barefoot at 11:30 at night and it was still warm. post comment

need. this. [17 Jun 2002|04:52pm] [ mood | can not put into words ] my heart is full love runs through out to in in to out from my toes to the tips of my ears not for one but for all i feel like i need to explode to burst and begin all over would be good for me i have so much that i can not explain maybe there are no words the beauty that is the earth from the raging oceans and rivers to the leaves fluttering and twisting in the wind everything around me evokes a power something that is not concieveable to me i cant believe that i am a part of it but here i am. i am whole i am love i am woman i am me goddess, help me, to become more give me strength i can see the light show me the source. (sources?) thankyou for this feeling i will not forget it 5 comments|post comment

[27 May 2002|11:35am] [ mood | reflecting ] [ music | jimmy eat world ] have you ever had a night that makes everything seem like it is going to be ok? i have been wanting to catch a chico sunset for so long. we went to the disc golf course this is after he said he cant take "us" as in two makes one. i am still one, so is he. separate after the blood red sunset we went to the observatory looked at the full moon that cast shadows behind us there were wispy clouds that reflected the moonlight it was beautiful. then we looked through the long telescope at clusters of stars and the craters on the moon it was so close, it looked like you could somehow see the change in atmosphere near the surface, it must have been the clashing of gases.. i have to say, it is one of the better nights i have had recently. maybe i just need time to get out just breathe, look around at what is near me somehow i keep forgetting. but it never ceases to be any more than amazing. every time. 7 comments|post comment

creating/living new experiences [26 May 2002|03:33pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | ani difranco ] i leave tomorrow, for what is soon to be the biggest adventure of my life. to a place i have never been a place i have never seen (overseas, across continent) only in beautiful pictures and postcards. i can only hope that my mind will allow myself to take it all in. things have beencrazyhecticstressful i have been having to rearrange myself- my thoughts. at times i dont know where i fit in to the big picture i am being pulled back and forth within myself i think of what i want, who i want where i want to be and it gets all messed up i just want to be free i want the wind to rush over me to blow around my hair to breathe in clean and out clean i cant wait for this new experience it is very welcomed maybe i can clarify my place put myself in the big picture look at the trees bend and sway in the wind "what doesnt bend breaks" ready or not here i come post comment

who are you? [24 May 2002|11:32pm] what do you think about when you wake up? who do you wake up next to? are you happy doing what you are doing? have you told everyone you care about that you care about them? if you had to leave tomorrow, would you regret anything? could you honestly say you did all you could? did you give up too soon? heavy head droopy eyes numb lips remember my lips? all i want is someone to sleep next to me. goodnight. post comment

my inner child....is me. [24 May 2002|04:44pm] [ mood | out ofmy mind ] here i am, this is me. Letting Go ------------ Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go -- and then do it. ~ Ann Landers I need to learn to take my own advice....I have been trying to convince myself of so much. I was in an enraged anger i dont know why i felt my eyebrows cross my mouth was a tight line my heart was in my throat my stomach a swarm of butterflies for what? i always want more to be said i always want...more from everyone then i walked outside it is a warm beautiful day there was tree seeds falling from the sky that looked like snow they was getting stuck in my hair and i could hardly breathe but it still made me laugh i will always remember to do that even if it is only myself that makes me do it. god damn i didnt think i expected much from people but it always seems to be more than they are willing to give. i will have to live and learn liveandlearn l i v e a n d l e a r n. fuck. why am i so worried about everyone else? get with it Leanne. get it in your head. (i have never felt like breaking something) why? frustration sure doesnt make any sense. i wish i made some. post comment

wish you were here [20 May 2002|09:54pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | radiohead ] i am doing my best to only take steps forward every time i look back i go backwards a few months. i am ready to share...now. i am ready to give...now. i am ready to see...new. i am ready to be...new...now. i am ready to be found. (im here, somewhere) to all in my past to all in my future. "were just two lost souls living in a fish bowl, year after year." 1 comment|post comment

it is safe to say...this terrifies me [19 May 2002|10:02am] You have high standards for yourself, and try desperately to live up to them. But when you are unable to reach those goals, you fall into a deep depression. People see you as a brilliant person, yet inside, you are full of self-doubt and fear of failure. You need to set more reasonable goals. Your song is: About to Crash Which degree of inner turbulence are you? This quiz was made by Dionae 1 comment|post comment

[17 May 2002|09:01am] It is so strange how some days, everything can seem perfect the sun is bright, people are smiling life is making sense, and i feel a part of everything then there are other days, where you realize that everything the human race has been doing for the past 100 years, is destroying this beautiful earth we live on. nothing we do seems to make sense. from GMO's to destruction of the ozone layer, greenhouse gases to rape, killing and hatred. some days i feel like i can take it. well ok, i never want to take it, but some days just seem better than others. i am afraid of what we are doing, i am afraid of what we have become, i am afraid of what we will become. i am afraid of what are children are going to think of us. of course, my last week of classes, i hear all the really bad news. i dont want to eat because of GMO's I dont want to go outside because of skin cancer I dont want to drive my car because of carbon dioxide emissions i dont want to breathe the air, because who even knows what is in it i want to move to kansas so the rising sea level wont drown myself or my loved ones. ok a little dramatic, i know. but these are the things we have to think about and deal with, whether it be now or in the future. it is safe to say, this is a scary place we live inv 1 comment|post comment

memories [15 May 2002|09:24pm] will i always associate summer with peach snapple? post comment

la primavera [14 May 2002|09:15am] i have this nagging feeling right in between the time i cant think and cant breathe. i want to be taken, not away but to a place....i just want to be comfortable. i cant shake the feeling that i have found it but outside factors always come into it like inhibitions, self doubt of myself and others all i know is that i am feeling happy about so much in my life i am getting to where i want to be there is just one thing missing and i can almost taste it it is just out of reach and there is not any other place i want to be. well maybe that one place. d post comment

[13 May 2002|10:19am] [ mood | laughing ] "you are a happy, healthy human being. you are a productive member of society. you are well respected by every person you know. you are a successful, well rounded individual." this was being blasted on my campus this morning, over the loud speaker. it felt like i was in a book from the future. i was a sheep in the herd, being encouraged to do my best, but as a sheep, as a group, not an individual. it was pretty funny regardless. the whole campus was silent, some laughing some smiling. everyone confused. i 2 comments|post comment

i believe [07 May 2002|09:10am] a human being is part of the whole, called by us "universe" a part limited in time and space he experiences himself as separated from the rest a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness this delusion is a kind of prison for us restricting us to our personal desires affection for a few persons nearest to us. our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Albert Einstein have you ever looked for the place that you know you have felt before a place where you felt safe and loved, i have found it again in myself. a place where i am loved and accepted. a place where i can give as freely as i want never be emptied. beautiful days are here with us again, can you see it? 4 more days:woman.hear.here.me. post comment

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