The Apprentice to a Pretty Soldier in a Sailor Suit

Subject:	"I haven't felt the way I feel today in so long it's hard for me to specify"
Time:	7:24 pm.
Music:	Incubus: "Nice to Know You".

Tomorrow I give my two-week notice at work. I’m sad that I’m leaving Bed Bath & Beyond because I’ll miss the people that I work with and the friends I made there. On the other hand, I’m glad that I’m quitting. I’ve never been able to quit a job (except Cutco, but that wasn’t a real job). At Vie de France and JOEY, both respective businesses shut down. It feels good to be able to quit and it be on good terms.

I did some research into transferring my job, but the San Francisco BB&B; is eight miles away from me and requires a trip on the 280. If I had Shirley with me, it would be a pain in the ass period, but I’ll be Mustang-less up there. I decided not to transfer. My mom doesn’t want me to work, but I’ve become too accustomed to having a disposable income. I don’t think I’ll tell her if I get a job. I’m only taking 13 units this semester. Stonestown Galleria is just down the street from me, so we’ll see what’s up. I have this fantasy about piercing my eyelid and cheeks and dying my hair green to work at the Hot Topic there.

I’m quitting a week before the move. I’m taking that week off to pack, say final farewells, and hopefully make a trip to Disneyland. Billy owes me a trip to Disneyland anyway. I also want to visit my grandparents’ gravesite before I leave.

Today I went to work at six in the morning. Some district managers did a walk last week and pointed out all this shit that was supposedly wrong with the store. I volunteered to come in at six instead of seven. I also switched shifts with Jason tomorrow so I have a free evening.

Believe it or not, my entire existence has not revolved around work. I had Tuesday off, which I actually requested. That was the day I had to enroll in classes. I had my classes picked out weeks ago, but I couldn’t until a specific date and time, which happened to be at 9:30 Tuesday morning. I enrolled in three journalism classes and two gay and lesbian studies classes. I was nervous about enrolling because when I found out the dates and times and section numbers, the catalogue also listed how many seats each class had and how many people it would allow to be put on the waiting list. Most of the classes I wanted had small counts, and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to enroll in any of the classes I wanted. Monday night as I went to bed, I kicked myself for not making a better backup plan. I mean, I copied down all possible courses, but I had only about six classes listed that I was interested in taking. I wish I’d talked to an actual counselor instead of those students who just offered general advice.

Tuesday, I drove out to Long Beach to visit Wal-Mart. I sold my soul because I found an HP printer for $38, not to mention cheap socks, underwear, shaving cream, and a cute little Mexican soccer jersey.

Later that night, I met up with Arthur (arwyr) at Hamburger Mary’s. We had dinner and a few drinks before Juan and his cronies showed up. Juan laughed his ass off at my shirt, the soccer jersey. It’s a little boy’s size, and is red and green. It says MEXICO in big bold letters and has an outline of the country. I think it’s adorable. Some of the guys at work gave me shit about it when I wore it to work, saying “Viva Mexico!” and “Viva Team Mexico!”

Today after I got off work, I went shopping. I bought a new pair of Vans and tons of sexy underwear. I think the black 2xist look nice on me. I even bought a CK jockstrap ;) I’m also proud of my new shoes, which are slip-ons that are camouflaged.

On a final note, I thought I’d write a little about one of my new favorite bands.

For me, to be called a Chibi favorite is really something. I like a lot of music, but I don’t have very many favorite bands and singers. If I had to name them, it would have to be the Smashing Pumpkins, Garbage, No Doubt, Nirvana, Incubus, Bjork, Beck, Fiona Apple, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I have now added Jamiroquai to that group. I’ve been listening to them nonstop for a week, and I’m in love. Both the music and the words move me. With No Doubt, who I love to death, I love the words, but I am not too terribly impressed with the actual music. Likewise, I love Bjork’s and Beck’s melodies, but their words seem like they were pulled from magnetic poetry boxes. With Jamiroquai, I listen to the words and I am genuinely moved by the lyrics and the music actually makes this boy want to dance. I love the bass, I love the funk, and I love how a skinny English man can sound… well, judge for yourself. This is my favorite Jamiroquai lyric:

I never had a dream that I could follow through
Only tears left to stain, dry my eyes once again
I don't know who I am, or what I'm gonna do
Been so long I've been hopelessly confused
This can never really end, its infinitely sad
Can someone tell me when
Something good became so bad
So if you have a cure
To me would you please send
A picture of my life
With a letter telling how
it should really be instead
-Picture of my Life

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Subject:	"Unspoken expectations, ideas you used to play with... they've finally taken shape"
Time:	11:17 am.
Music:	Cyndi Lauper: "Goonies R Good Enough".

Friday, I was supposed to close at work, but Juan invited me to come out with him to see some bands perform in Anaheim. I ended up calling in sick, telling one of the managers I’d come down with some sort of stomach flu.

The things I do for a pretty face…

I didn’t feel too bad for two reasons: I’ve called in sick only one other time (it was to go to Akira’s Christmas party, and was the night I threw up outside of Rage) and Jason was scheduled to close too. Besides, I have less than a month at Bed Bath & Beyond, so I doubt even I could fuck things up at this point.

So my Friday consisted of me going to the bank and getting my oil changed. As always, the men at the mechanic tried to tack shit onto me getting an oil change. They saw the bleached hair, black star earrings, red suede Vans, and the candy beads on the gear shift and figured they could squeeze some more money out of me.

“I could give you a good deal on all these services.”

Sorry boys, you are not dipping into my drinking money today.

I thanked them and told them all I had money for was the oil change.

Friday was also my grandma’s birthday, so when my mom came home from work, I took us over to her house and spent a few hours there. After that, I drove out to Juan’s house.

The bands performed at this restaurant called Arroyo Grande. It was this ghetto Mexican restaurant just down the street from Knott’s Berry Farm. As soon as we got out of the car, I saw the people hanging out in front and I could hear the noise the band was discharging. I told Juan I didn’t want to go in that place with all those straight people. To top it off, they were all white, and I’m deathly afraid of heterosexual white males.

As soon as I got in, I demanded a drink from Juan. If the straight guys were gonna start some shit, I wanted to be loud and belligerent. I think they had more beer and soda at that bar than anything else, so it was absolute murder trying to find a drink the dumbass bartender could make. He didn’t have the stuff to make an apple martini or an adios. Exhausted, I asked him if he knew how to make a Long Island Iced Tea. He knew how to make that, thank Jeebus. We got our drinks and sat down. Motherfucker put too much tequila in it. I’ve never tasted so much tequila in a Long Island. I didn’t even think there was any tequila in it. I’m surprised he didn’t put any Tecate in it.

The first band we saw was one called One Big Lie. The only lie here was their talent. The drummer didn’t know that there were more drums on his kit than the two in front of him, and the guitarist’s knowledge of chords would make even the Strokes blush. And don’t even get me started on the singer.

During their intermission, One Big Lie started throwing out T-shirts. They threw one toward one of Juan’s friends, who moved his head, and the shirt went to someone behind him. I don’t think the band was thrilled.

I got another drink from the idiot bartender, only because I hadn’t tortured myself before. Juan had me try a Midori Kamikaze, which to me just tasted like Midori and C&H.; drinks like those will give me a cavity before they get me drunk. After that disaster, I shared Coronas with Juan and realized I’ve developed a taste for them.

The next band was called Idiom. They were actually pretty decent. Juan subjected them to me a while back, but they had a new singer this time. The last band was Rear Naked Choke, the band Juan used to play trumpet in. I liked the music, but I didn’t care for the singer.

Interlude: if I ever start a ska band, I will call it “Three-Word Band.”

For me, the evening’s entertainment wasn’t the bands; it was Juan’s friends. Juan brought two of his friends, Steven and Francisco. Steven is some Army ho whose sheer sluttery makes me blush. Steven brought some girl he was interested in, whose name escapes me. Francisco is one of Juan’s supposedly closeted friends, who I actually thought was cute.

Steven lost interest in this girl really quick. I felt bad because she drove all the way out from Northridge. While we were hanging outside, Steven didn’t pay any attention to her, and basically dumped her onto Francisco. Steven even went to far as to buy drinks for himself and Francisco, but not for his date. I told Juan if he ignored me the way he ignored her, I would fricassee his testicles.

Time to pay my phone bill. Yuck.

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Subject:	"I bought into what I was sold and ended up with nothing"
Time:	12:01 am.
Music:	Garbage: "Not My Idea".

I went to the doctor’s office after work yesterday. I went to get the results of blood work that I’d had done. SFSU is making me show proof that I’m immune to mumps, rubella, and the measles. As long as they were poking me with needles, I had them check my blood for cholesterol and all that other good stuff. I also had them do an HIV test. I hadn’t been tested since last February.

I brought “Me Talk Pretty One Day” with me, and I read about 70 pages in the waiting room. I laughed my ass off at David Sedaris’ stories, but I had a lump in my stomach. I’m negative, but I still felt wobbly as the nurse took me into a room.

On a lighter note, the doctor noticed that I lost about five pounds ;)

Today, I have exactly one month before I move to San Francisco.

Speaking of which, SFSU’s colors are something like purple and orange. They must be nuts if they think I’m gonna wear something like that.

Going further, I’m gonna start designing the Evite for my going away party. I want to have a big shebang at my house, where everyone will get drunk and cry for me. Tommy said he wants to go, but I don’t think I’ll invite him seeing as how Akira, Aaron, and Jiro can’t stand him and might like to see him dead. In fact, I don’t think I’ll invite anyone I’ve ever slept with.

That really limits my invite list ;)

When I went back to work this week, everyone knew what happened at the Marissa/Michael party. Michael didn't show up at work the next day; when Akira and I left his house at two in the morning, he'd just poured himself a cup of wine. And I found out later that Gilbert ditched us to go meet up with his new boy. Fucking Gilbert and his men. And he wonders why his asshole is always bleeding ;)

I’ve been on a superhero binge lately. I went to see Spider-Man 2 with my dad tonight, and I spent the last week watching the Batman DVDs. I remember watching Batman: The Animated Series over ten years ago; I remember watching the first episode back when I used to live in Lomita. Michael and I would sit around all afternoon waiting for it to come on, after Bobby’s World, Eeek! The Cat, Taz-Mania, and Animanics.

Reflection: Looking back, B:TAS was groundbreaking. The stories were complex, were drawn well, and I can’t stress enough the intricacies of Batman/Bruce Wayne and the villains. I loved how Batman was a flawed character, much darker than Superman. Superman had it easy; people like the X-Men, the Hulk, Spider-Man, and Batman always were misunderstood, were the misfits, though they were the good guys. Batman had his crosses to bear, though it made him that much stronger.

The villains were always something else. Of course, there was the Joker, Poison Ivy, and the Penguin, but they also had more interesting villains that were unlike anything else in the hero genre. I remember there was a bad guy named Scarface. He was a wooden marionette that was a gangster. His puppetmaster was a sniveling little pussy that held him, talked for him, but shared none of the same memory. In short, he had a split personality, and the dummy was the other personality. It sounds a bit silly, but it made for good writing.

I was also intrigued with Mr. Freeze. I remember him from the campy ‘60s TV show, but the WB took him to the next level in the cartoon series. Mr. Freeze was not really a villain like the Joker. Freeze was just trying to restore life to his frozen wife. Though he didn’t care who got in his way, Freeze was acting out of what he thought to be love. That really spoke to me as a ten-year old.

And then you had villains like gangster Rupert Thorne, CEO Roland Dagget, the hilarious Harley Quinn, the genuinely scary Clayface, the monster Ra Al Ghoul, and classics like the Joker, Catwoman, and Two-Face.

And the episodes pushed the envelope on where cartoons (and most dramas) could take the viewer. One episode that hasn’t been released yet was called “Almost Got Him.” In this episode, a group of Batman’s greatest enemies are sitting around a card table, playing poker and discussing how they each “almost got him.” At the risk of sounding like a nerd, I won’t give away what happens, but I liked Croc’s story best ;)

One of the episodes I loved a lot was one they put on disc. It was called “The Forgotten.” In it, someone was kidnapping homeless people. Bruce Wayne puts on a disguise to find out what’s going on, and he is subsequently taken away. During the kidnapping, he is hit over the head and when he wakes up he is in a slave camp and he can’t remember who he is. It turns out the camp is run by a guy who kidnaps homeless people and other transients to dig in his mines.

And that brings me to my next point. B:TAS brought up many social injustices, while at the same time did not come off as preachy. Issues such as child abuse, homelessness, and urban development were touched upon and dealt with in a much more mature way that most children’s programming could ever do.

And finally, there’s the style of the cartoon. It’s impossible to guess which era this show takes place. On one hand, you have the cars, which look like they could have come out of the ‘50s, yet they have all the same technology as today. It’s amazing.

Okay, can you tell that Billy, Jiro, and Akira are all in Japan? I’m fucking lonely. My friends are all gone and my only companion is the Homer Simpson doll I sleep with every night.

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Subject:	"I'll take you all the way; stay another song"
Time:	4:54 pm.
Music:	Sophie Ellis Bextor: "Murder on the Dancefloor".

I am trying so hard to stay awake right now. I have to be to work at seven in the morning, so no naps for this boy.

Well, let’s start by going into the end of the week from hell. Girl, it was just a miserable week for me. I was sober, work was murder, I was horny, and I just felt so constantly yucky.

I had Friday night off, but I stayed home and cleaned house instead. I also had to be to work at nine on Saturday. I was originally going to go out with Jamaal, but I wasn’t up to it. The best thing for me was probably to go out, have a drink, and sit at the bar while checking out people who would never give me the time of day, but I felt so miserable. I think I went to bed at 11 on Friday. I was probably 12 the last time I did that.

Saturday, I worked and was supposed to go out with Juan afterward. I haven’t had such a bad day at work like that probably since Christmas. I came home, took a shower, watched a little bit more of Batman, and called up Juan. I don’t know what came over me, but I was such a little bitch to him on the phone. I turned down everything he wanted to do. I told him that we’d have to take a raincheck on our hangout. However, I didn’t want to stay at home while my parents gorged on margaritas, so I drove out to Silverlake to visit Joey. We watched Sex and the City, and I felt a little better. I didn’t stay out too late, and on the way home, Matt called me and wanted to meet up with me at the Abbey. I can’t believe I halfway considered going. First off, I was feeling better, but I was not up to dealing with West Hollywood. I’m still pissed at him over the movie party, so I declined and went home, by myself, in my own bed.

Sunday, Marissa had a little shindig at her house. Her parents went to Cabo San Lucas for the weekend, so she invited some of the Bed Bath & Beyond crew to come over. I brought Gilbert and stuff to make apple martinis with. After a while, I drove down the hill to pick up Michael from work, while Tabitha and Gilbert got food. Akira followed us back to Marissa’s house, but one of Marissa’s sisters was being a little bitch, so we moved the party to Michael’s house. Gilbert was following me in his car, but he disappeared; Marissa never showed up. So by this time, it was just me, Akira, Tabitha, and Michael sitting around a pool and drinking. We sat up until one in the morning, just shooting the shit and pissing off the balcony ;)

I had today off too, and I spent most of it shopping with Daniel. Before I picked him up, I went to Target. I bought socks, underwear, a new Batman shirt, a copy of The Good Girl, and David Sedaris’ “Me Talk Pretty One Day.”

Daniel and I drove up PCH to Hermosa Beach, where we splurged at Aardvark. I bought a sweater, a shirt, and a pair of board shorts.

And now for my good deed of the day:

After Hermosa, Daniel and I went to the Galleria. We went into Hot Topic. Daniel was wearing a Bjork t-shirt today, and one of the guys who works there started talking to him about Bjork. I could totally tell that Daniel was into this guy, who I thought would be cute if he didn’t have a gaping hole in his face with a rod shoved through it. I pulled out my phone and was ready to give this guy Daniel’s number. Daniel was against it, but his protest wasn’t genuine. I ended up chickening out, so we left. While Daniel was looking in another store, I went back to Hot Topic and put my testicles back in my pants. The guy was talking to another customer, so I stood off in the distance and waited for him to stop talking to her. I got bored, so I started looking at all the wonderful stuff with Legolas on it. The guy came up to me and started talking about the books and movies with me. Now that I had a better look at him, he was fucking hot. He had the most amazing green eyes and I got really nervous.

When the conversation died, he started walking away. I called him back and said something along the lines of “My friend, who I was just in here with, thinks you’re cute. He’s too much of a pussy to talk to you, but I’ll give you his phone number if you like.”

I don’t remember what he said exactly, but I do remember he asked how old Daniel is. I told him that he was 18; he said “Okay, I thought he was 14.” He didn’t take Daniel’s phone number, but he asked if Daniel was online and asked for his screenname. I wrote Daniel’s screenname down for him, and I was halfway tempted to write mine down instead.

I walked back over to Daniel with a huge grin on my face and told him what had happened. He pretended to be embarrassed, but I knew he appreciated my efforts.

I wonder why I always feel the need to play matchmaker…

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Subject:	"I'm working so I won't have to try so hard"
Time:	10:51 am.
Music:	The Strokes: "Someday".

Yesterday was one of those days…

It all started when my alarm clock went off at six in the morning. When it went off, I knew that I had to be to work, but somehow I had forgotten when I went to bed. I showered, prepared a lunch, and headed out the door to my car.

Some asshole stole the taillights out of my car AGAIN. This is the third time it has happened in a year.

The first time it happened was on the 4th of July last year. I was at Dave’s house that night, and I fell asleep there. In the morning, he and Akira took me home. We passed my car on the street and saw that the taillights were missing. I was horrified. When my dad took me to get them replaced, the guy who sold them to us told us that it was really easy to pop the lights out of a Mustang’s rear. In fact, all one had to do was literally pop them out.

When we got home, my dad screwed the lights into my car. Yes, he got out his mighty power tool and drilled the sucker into little Shirley.

After that, things were fine until someone stole the lights again! This time it wasn’t as bad because they only got the driver’s side because they didn’t notice where my dad screwed Shirley. It was still a pain in the ass to replace.

My dad wised up this time. When he put the taillight back in, he screwed it in with a special type of screw. Being a big butch man like himself, my dad said that it was a rare type of screw that most people don’t have a screwdriver for. He drilled a few more holes in Shirley.

Two nights ago, I noticed when I was on my way to work. I had my mom take me to work, which made me ten minutes late, and she had to pick me up. I called the place where I got my lights before, but they didn’t have any. I don’t know what to do because my car just has red tape on the back. Not only is it tacky, but I think it might be unsafe to drive around like that. I told Akira what happened:

GTi Boi: you're so Mexican

I can always count on Akira to say something to make me feel better ;)

However, I was in a wretched mood all day yesterday. I mean, I was feeling horrible at having to wake up at six, having my car vandalized, and I was sore from the three-mile workout the night before. I try not to let things get to me, but I almost snapped at some dumbasses at work yesterday. I was hoping just to go home yesterday after work, but my mom went all over town to pick up my cousins and take them home with us. I didn’t mean to be antisocial, but I went up to bed and slept. So much for wishful thinking because they were still there when I woke up two hours later.

I’m feeling better today. I’m just relaxing before going to work at three. All I want right now is a shower, a man, and a martini.

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Subject:	"All you have to do is play the part of who you are... the rest is up to you"
Time:	9:11 pm.
Music:	The Smashing Pumpkins: "The Imploding Voice".

I had today off. I woke up, got ready, and picked up Daniel to take him to register at Harbor. It was kinda a waste of time because he didn’t bring his application that he’d filled out at home. I had one in my car, and we started to fill it out in the parking lot. There were some questions on the form that he didn’t know, like when his stay in California began, where he was born, and because he’s not a citizen, he didn’t know his Immigrant Number or whatever it is that they ask for on the application. I ended up taking him back home. I told him I’d take him again after work tomorrow.

After that, I went to Best Buy to visit Jamaal and purchase the new Batman DVD. I watched a few of the episodes already and I have fallen in love all over again. The stories were so well done. Even though I love the X-Men more, this version of Batman is far superior to the X-Men’s ‘90s toon.

Then I went to Rizzo’s to get lunch for me and Juan. I drove out all the way to Orange or Santa Ana. I brought Juan his favorite: chicken parmesan and lemon-flavored Propel.

I mean this in the least nonsexual way, but I can still smell Juan on me. It’s wonderful. It’s a lot better than smelling like the breadsticks.

I wish someone would bring me lunch. I guess I shouldn’t complain though, cause people are always coming to see me. Last weekend, I got stalked by Isaac (again) and Devin. Billy, Jiro, and a very stoned Akira once came in to bother me. Gary and Monica came in two weeks ago. Karla came in last week to buy some sheets. Even antisocial heterosexual Dario came in once.

I ran three miles last night. I’m gonna do it again tonight. I ran to Garbage’s Version 2.0. It’s a good album to work out to. Tonight, I’m debating between Madonna’s Music or one of the CDs from BT’s Rare & Remixed. Naw, tonight it’s gonna be Prodigy’s Fat of the Land.

I need to stop picking the scabs on my scalp. I seriously have first-degree burns.

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Subject:	"Just remember, when you think you're free, the crack inside your fucking heart is me"
Time:	10:38 pm.
Music:	Marilyn Manson: "The Speed of Pain".

Last month, I was at Best Buy shopping as usual, when I got a call. It was Chris, the guy who I will be sharing a room with next month. He apologized for not calling me back, and he wanted to go for a drink right then and there. I never turn down a drink, and Chris lives down the street from Best Buy, so I hurried my anorexic alcoholic ass to his house.

I drove us to Hermosa Beach, right next to the Cheesecake Factory. It was a bar called Latitudes. It was a total surfer place, and I almost came in my pants over all the cute white boys.

Once I got over all the surfers, I looked at my surroundings. The servers were all women in skimpy outfits, the tables were all wet, and the sound system was horrible. I swear, gay people have such nicer things when compared to the decorum/drinks/sound.

I can’t complain, though, cause Chris bought me five or so drinks.

It was kind of awkward at first because he didn’t pick up on me being gay. I practically had to spell it out for him. I guess the mixed CD I had in my car, which had “Ray of Light,” “Blue Monday,” and “Lady Marmalade,” wasn’t a hint.

Him: Do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No.
Him: So are you seeing any girls?
Me: No, I’m gay.
Him: Oh, that’s cool.

I drove us there, but he ended up leaving with some of his friends.

Now the asshole won’t call me back. I’ve called him five times since then, and he has yet to return any of my calls. The story of my life, I swear to God. I think I may have scared him away. Oh, like I’m so interested in him.

Brandon (missingcow), who went to high school with him, has told me some very unflattering things about him. It seems not only is he a womanizer, but he’s also a homophobe.

Would a homophobe buy me five drinks?

I have scabs on the side of my scalp; I just bleached my hair.

Akira and I went to his cousin’s house last night in Pasadena. I got three hours of sleep cause I had to be to work at seven. Yuck.

Girl, I am so essited right now. The ‘90s Batman cartoon comes out on DVD tomorrow. I’m seriously about to cry right now.

And Tony is being a little bitch, so I’m not going to see him this week.

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Subject:	"I hold my breath 'til it's more than I can take, and I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake"
Time:	11:23 am.
Music:	Third Eye Blind: "Narcolepsy".

I caught the midnight screening of the Eyelid Theatre last night.

Ugh, yesterday was horrible at work. Our patio furniture was just put on clearance, so people have been snatching it up. Normally I wouldn’t mind because most of our customers are useless weaklings who can barely lift a set of sheets, much less a mosaic tabletop set. If we get rid of the heavy stuff like patio umbrellas and lounge chairs, we can make room for stuff that is possibly less “heavy” than what we currently have. However, people are not just buying this shit (heavy emphasis on shit). They’re having us put it in the holds room.

Well, shit, lady, shit. Either you want it, or you don’t. Our holds room is completely filled and is spilling into the walkway. I left work at 5:30 yesterday, and I’d starting putting people’s holds in receiving. It pisses me off that people aren’t asking us to hold a single item. Instead, people are having the associates in our department hold entire sets, which is about four chairs, a 48 inch table, maybe an umbrella, a base for the umbrella, and little other shit (heavy emphasis on shit again, dear readers) that caught their eyes.

On top of all this, most people who have stuff held for them do not ever come back for it. And unless someone gets around to cleaning the room out, sometimes stuff will stay in there for weeks. And keep in mind that this is not a big room; it’s more like a walk-in closet.

And while we’re off doing this, we could be doing more valuable things with our time, like answering questions such as “Where’s the bathroom?” “Do you work here?” and asking where the upstairs is while in front of the escalator.

Shit, with all the Range Rovers, Jags, and Mercedes, you’d think all these snobs that come down off the hill could buy some class or intelligence.

Okay, enough about work. God, I sound like Matt.

Speaking of Matt, I hung out with him last week. But this is a different Matt. Not Akira and Jeremy’s Matt; no, this is the Matt I hooked up with a few months back. Anyway, it was a one-time dealy and I guess we’re supposed to be friends or something.

Matt came to my birthday dinner and was supposed to go with us to Boy Bar afterwards, but he got into a fight with his online boyfriend (don’t get me started on this) and ended up not coming. I tried calling him a few times after my birthday, but he never called me back. Whatever.

Well, he called me back last Saturday and asked me to go to a movie party thingy with him. He said that he was part of a group he joined online that got together to watch horror movies. The party was in Hollywood, and he wanted to go with him. I was bored, Jiro and Billy are in Japan, I think Akira was sleeping with someone, and Juan was probably drunk at some party, so I said yes.

It wasn’t until we were halfway there that Matt told me he didn’t know the person who was hosting the party. In fact, I would be the only person there who he’d ever talked to. I wasn’t too thrilled about going to someone’s house who I didn’t know. It made me feel really uneasy to go to the party not knowing anything about what was going on, so I got us lost. I was playing navigator, and I made us get off at the wrong exit twice. I don’t even remember how I did it, but we never found the party that night.

Matt’s too crazy for me. I can’t be his friend. He tries too hard to make friend, and he ends up joining these online groups and trying to go to people’s houses he doesn’t even know. I meet people online all the time, and this was even a little risky for me.

This Saturday was a lot more fun. I worked, had a horrible time, but afterward, I went to Juan’s house. He took me to the Olive Garden. Afterward, we went back to his place and watched Sleepers. They don’t call it that for nothing because I rolled over and fell asleep during the last half of the movie. It wasn’t a bad movie, but I was extremely tired, and I didn’t have a nap.

Then we cuddled and talked about Mexican insults.

Oh God, did I just say “cuddled?”

Now I’m off to wash my car, buy some vodka, and drink away my work problems with some coworkers and Akira.

And in an attempt to become friends, I guess, Anthony is coming down this week. We broke up in March, but I haven't seen him since February...

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Subject:	"I found it hard, it was hard to find... oh well, whatever, nevermind"
Time:	9:55 am.
Music:	Nirvana: "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

I was reading some entries from around the time Tony and I broke up. I hardly ever make any friends-only entries, and I didn’t want Tony to know about all the guys I was seeing, so a lot of my entries were really filtered.

I left out, at least in the romantic sense, Tommy, Joey, Daniel, Matt, Jeremy, and now I see that I’m starting to downplay my relationship with Juan, though I mention him a lot more than other guys I’ve dated/hooked up with.

Some of it had to do with the fact that I knew Tony would be reading my journal. I know that this journal is mine and is not for anyone else, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That’s not to say that now I don’t give a fuck about his feelings, but I still have to be true to myself and especially to my journal. I mean, I’m gonna read this thing years down the road, and it’s for me, not anyone else. I’m not gonna spare anyone’s feelings anymore.

Maybe now’s not the time to start airing my dirty laundry, but now I promise to stop rounding off the edges of my journal. And while I won’t go into the lurid details of I Was a Teenage Bottom, I promise to stop making cryptic and esoteric references about men.

But one story, real quick. I tell you story, I tell you story…

A few months back, I was out on a date with Joey, a guy I dated two years ago. Joey and I dated for about two months or so before I called things off, and he ended up moving to North or South Carolina, or one of those other mid-Atlantic states no one gives a shit about. When he came back, we met up for a drink in West Hollywood.

Beforehand, I called Akira, Billy, and Jiro and told them to call me during the date so my phone would ring and Joey would think I was important. I know, it’s really immature and petty, but I really wanted to show off to Joey. I have never done it since, nor would I do it again. I think most of it had to do with the fact that I’d dated him two years ago, and I wanted to show him how much I’d changed, but in fact, I was more childish than ever. I may now have a job, a car, and a degree, but I was just as much a shallow person as when I was 19.

But it did work. After all three trashies had called me, he made some kind of comment on how popular I am.

That’s all I wanted to hear.

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Subject:	"I'm hoping my message gets through; there's never been someone like you"
Time:	11:11 pm.
Music:	Jamiroquai: "You Give Me Something".

I just woke up from an exhausting day. I’m still tired and drunk.

Today, Juan took me hiking at Griffith Park. I swear to God, I thought I was gonna die. He took every possible route that would make it hard. He didn’t know until we go there that I’d already done the hike before. In fact, I did it three years ago with Jaytee. Anyway, it was a nice little hike that I bitched about every two seconds. It was really hot today, so I poured some water down my pants. It felt really good ;)

Afterward, Juan and I went back to Norwalk and had lunch at Outback. His friend who is a server there didn’t have any open tables, so we waited at the bar. I had an Adios and an apple martini, and then a Long Island Iced Tea with my lunch. Then we went back to his place and, um, chatted for a bit before he had band practice.

I came home, read the paper, and knocked out for a few hours.

Friday night, Juan and I went and saw Fahrenheit 9/11. It bugged me so much. I got embarrassed in the movie because I was holding Juan’s hand, and I had to let go because I was wiping the tears away and trying to get my nose to stop running. I was a baby at all the parts when it came to the American soldiers. I thought about Michael the entire movie. It broke my heart to see the mother talk about her son but it bugged me even more to hear the soldiers talk about their favorite songs to “blow up shit” by. I hope my brother is not one of those gung-ho rednecks they interviewed for the film. I realize Michael Moore wouldn’t include footage of soldiers who said otherwise, but it’s still an unsettling thought.

Friday was also Charlie’s birthday party. Before I met up with Juan, I bought a bottle of Absolut and dropped by his house. I promised him that I would come back after the movie, but after the movie, I was too upset to do anything but go straight home.

On a lighter note, I spent all day Thursday with Daniel. We went out to Hollywood to go to Amoeba. He bought a shitload of Bjork singles, and I got Amorres Perros. Afterward, we went to see Saved! and had lunch. After that, we went back to my house and made a cake.

While Daniel and I gorged on cake and watched Sex and the City, Taco parked herself in front of the TV with her toy mallard, Ben Afflack, and started humping him! Daniel and I laughed our asses of because it was fucking hilarious. I didn’t realize that she had a sex drive, but it was obvious when she started getting pissed when I pulled Ben Afflack away from her. My mom told me later that she took Ben Afflack to bed and had her way with him there. I think they’re on a break now because Taco won’t even look at him.

Oooh, Juan and I are going to a midnight screening of Spiderman 2 on Tuesday night!!!! We are also planning a trip up to Berkeley/San Francisco at the end of next month.

And as a final thought, I was reading over some older entries. Here is a passage from April 13:

Something is about to happen to me. Something big. I dunno yet. I’ll elaborate later. "Big Time Sensuality" is soooo my anthem right now.

I think I know what it is now.

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Subject:	"You're my big distraction, obvious companion; I'm falling fast, like an avalanche"
Time:	10:19 pm.
Music:	No Doubt: "Big Distraction".

I just got back from dinner with my coworkers, Michael and Susan. We had Hawaiian food at the Loft. Now I feel like a big fat slob. I ordered some kind of chicken, which was basically fried chicken in small strips. However, I think I will run three miles tonight.

I got some pictures developed today. I had two rolls that lasted from April until this past weekend. There were so many events on the rolls that I had completely forgotten about.

The first was John’s birthday. Daniel and I went to his little dinner at the El Torito in Long Beach. That was the night I got a ticket, which ended up being $143.

Next, there was a picture of Daniel sitting in my car. That was still back in April, when we were still dating. Sometimes I forget how cute he is.

The next outing is a trip to West Hollywood. This was the night I got wasted with Lawrence and Emily in the backseat of Lawrence’s car. We binged on vodka and made fools of ourselves on Santa Monica. There’s one of Lawrence doing that pose he does when he’s drunk. I wish I could post it here. It’s like he’s a gay Superman. It’s hilarious. There’s also another one with him on his knees in front of me, sticking his tongue right into my crotchal area. Oooh, and here’s another one with me giving him a piggyback ride outside of that one hardware store that’s never open. There are also other random pictures of trashiness inside of Rage, including one of me licking Billy, and Jiro, shirtless Akira, and Billy “number crunching” Aaron. And for some strange reason, there’s a picture of my No Doubt Vans.

Ugh, I just remembered that was the night I tongued Emily.

Segment 3 is Long Beach Pride (which I never reported on). There’s a picture of Charlie and me; one with Jiro, Aaron, and I enjoying our watered down drinks; and Jiro hanging on my favorite mistake, Jeremy. My favorite picture of that day is one with Daniel and one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. That guy was totally interested in him.

Going further, the next roll is from my birthday. There’s picture of Billy smearing cake on my face; Alex getting a little too close to me; a pic of Michael D and I at the Executive Suite; and me climbing up the balance wires of a telephone pole.

Not pictured is Jack, the guy who tried to pick me up. He was some guy I met at Executive Suite. He kept telling me “Happy Birthday.” Alex, one of Dave’s friends, who obviously had a thing for me, was getting mad that I was talking to this guy. Alex bought me a few drinks, so I didn’t fight him when he pulled me away. Jack bought me a drink too, but he took it away when he saw that I wasn’t interested in anything else than chatting. What kind of shit is that?

That night, Billy kept trying to get me to make out with Alex. I thought he was cute, but my mind was occupied with someJuan else. Instead, I just politely accepted three drinks from him ;)

Next, there are a few pics from my kids’ graduation of one of Mrs. Guerrero and me.

Finally, there is one of Billy and me from this past weekend. Billy graduated from UCLA on Saturday, and his mother held a brunch in his honor. Though I didn’t take any pics, we later went and hung out in West Hollywood with Jiro and Lawrence, which included a guest visit from Juan.

Tomorrow, Daniel and I are taking a small trip out to Hollywood to visit Amoeba. I plan on splurging.

Juan are I are going to Magic Mountain on Sunday :)

Well, I was gonna go run right now, but I just got an IM, and it seems Akira is single again...

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Subject:	"I looked into your eyes, and my world came tumbling down"
Time:	11:39 pm.
Music:	Madonna: "Beautiful Stranger".

I got back not that long ago from a lil trip out to the OC. SFSU came to SoCal this week to have some kind of registration, and to have questions answered and such. It was down the street from Disneyland. I was tempted to go gawk at the hot Anaheim boys, but I thought I’d go gawk at something a bit more tangible. I called Juan, but he’s going out with his friends, and Jamaal is poor, which reminded me I’m technically poor right now too.

On the ride back home, I stopped at work to drop off Michael’s sunglasses. He left them in my car last night, which brings me to some overdue drama.

Last night was the Bed Bath & Beyond Dodger game. A group of about thirty of us went to see a game. Michael (not my brother, some guy who works in my department) and I started partying in the parking lot before hand, offering shots to people who were on their lunches. David from Housewares didn’t take a shot, but he got high in his car with Michael and Chris, who was still on the clock too. Raquel joined us, and we had quite a party in the Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot.

Cindy drove, and we all talked shit about Karen, the store manager. Now I know why people go on group outings with their coworkers. It’s not the company of each other or the event they go for, it’s all the shittalking that goes on. If you don’t go, shit gets talked.

Anyway, I was thoroughly trashed by the time I got to the game. I also had two beers there, and I guess I was being really belligerent, but I had a good time.

When it came time to leave, we couldn’t find Susan. Michael also had somehow left the group, but he made it back to the car. We sat around and waited for Susan, but she never showed. We assumed she got a ride home with someone else, so we left. When we got back to Torrance, Susan had called the store, and was still out in LA. Marissa went back to get her.

So when I brought back Michael’s glasses tonight, Terry told me how Karen was on a rampage about last night. Apparently, she left early because she was embarrassed. She also overheard me say something about getting drunk in the parking lot. First off, I was off the clock when I was drinking, and so were all the people who attended the game. She has no right to say anything because even if I was an ass, I was an ass off company time. No one else seemed to have a problem with me (assuming her beef is with me). I wish the bitch would say something… I wish she would give me a reason. She’s also furious with Cindy for leaving Susan. That bitch’s jurisdiction ends at the doors and does not extend to Dodger Stadium.

Anyway, I’ve been good. I can run a mile in eight minutes. It’s not great, but I think it’s good seeing as how I haven’t run regularly in two years.

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Subject:	"We just met, and I know I'm a bit too intimate, but something is coming up and we're both included"
Time:	12:30 pm.
Music:	Bjork: "Big-Time Sensuality".

Okay, I’m full of shit.

Last night, I closed at work. That means I get out at 11:00. I’m usually too tired to do much when I get off of work, but I thought it would be a good chance to start my new workout regimen.

Maybe I’m being a little bitch, but my mom made a comment the other day about my weight. While getting my graduation clothes prepped, my mom asked me what I was planning on wearing. I said I had a pair of pants in mind. She thought I meant the ones I wore for high school graduation. I told her I had a newer pair. She said it was a good thing because I was too fat to fit into the ones from then. She then grabbed my tummy and said that I was getting a little chunky.

Two days ago, I went to the doctor for some immunizations for San Francisco. I was weighed, and the scale said 139. It scared the shit out of me. I know I had my clothes and shoes on, but I’m used to weighing myself on my mom’s scale, a scale that tells me I’m 133. Maybe it’s all in my head, but I am starting to see a tummy on this twinkie body.

Two summers ago, I used to go running at the high school across the street from my house. I would do two miles a night. I don’t remember how long it took me, but over the course of that summer, I did improved a lot. My legs felt great. Then school started again and I resumed my lazy ways. I used to run listening to the Run Lola Run soundtrack, and I even dyed my hair red to look like Lola ;)

Anyway, I went running last night after work. Today, my legs are all sore and I’m walking with a slight limp. Despite the fact that I was coughing and I was really sweaty, I felt fucking great. I love the way my legs feel after a run. I feel the same way after sex. Maybe if I ran more, I wouldn’t be such a slut.

Tonight, Juan and I are gonna hit the Redondo Beach arcade. I fucking love it there because there are no games past 1999 (I think the newest one is the Episode 1 Racer). They even have the original Pong game, still in working condition. The arcade is a bit shady and so are the people who work there, but it’s not enough to overshadow the X-Men arcade game.

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Subject:	"And I still find it so hard to say what I need to say"
Time:	1:28 pm.
Music:	New Order: "Blue Monday".

I feel old, which I think is total and utter bullshit.

As a present for myself, I bought the fourth season of Sex and the City. In the first episode, it’s Carrie’s 35th birthday. Samantha plans a dinner for her, but no one shows up. Carrie understandably upset, but then the restaurant staff comes over and starts singing while carrying a cake. Carrie gets all excited, but her look quickly changes to disgust when she realizes it’s for a woman sitting at the table behind her. Before she blows out that candles she says “Fuck, I’m 25! I’m so old!”

It seems like yesterday that I was turning 21 and stripping down to my panties in from of my friends and parents. I actually dreaded waking up this morning. I tried to make myself happy with thoughts of graduation, moving, and going to see my kids today. I used Carrie’s example to illustrate that maybe I’m overreacting because 22 is not that old. I'm still young and thin, and I'm totally digging my hair right now.

So a la Carrie, I’m gonna to buy a new pair of shoes today. There’s his pair of Vans I saw at the mall, red suede, that I’ve been coveting for a while. And they’re having a sale, and you only live twice. And Jamaal is taking me to lunch… I’m just waiting for him to call me. Oh, and Juana is letting me use her discount at Tilly’s.

Eleven more hours until Harry Potter. I sure hope Juan takes me for a few drinks beforehand ;)

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Subject:	"Oh mirror, mirror, you're coming in clear... I'm finally somewhere in between"
Time:	11:34 am.
Music:	Foo Fighters: "Stacked Actors".

HAPPY PRIDE DAY!

This year was the first time ever that I filed my taxes. After all, I never had a job until last January. I felt so grown up knowing that I’d have a check in a few months, just like the big boys. It wouldn’t be much seeing as how I worked at Vie de France from January to May, and at Bed Bath & Beyond from November to December, but it would still be something.

Well, dear readers, I got my check yesterday. It also came the same day as my cellphone bill and my ticket for that illegal u-turn in Long Beach. After all is said and done, I get only $32.

Anyway, today is Long Beach Pride. I’m gonna go pick up Daniel and Juana in a bit. I still need to take a shower, do something with my hair, make final decisions regarding clothing, and purchase assorted vodka. Lawrence got me hooked on the apple-flavored vodka.

Rage was so boring this Friday. I took Jamal. I didn’t have that great of a time cause they were playing way too much hip-hop. As usual, Lawrence was drunk off his ass, being a little bitch, and bouncing backwards into walls and falling, a la Mary Catherine Gallagher.

I just found out that Pride is $20. Shit. And now Daniel isn’t going. Akira won’t be there until later. Ugh, I hope people are still going. At least good ol Charlie is going.

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Subject:	"I recover quickly... I'll convince you soon that I am fine"
Time:	2:16 am.
Music:	Dashboard Confessional: "Bend and Not Break".

Tonight seemed to go on forever, but in a good way.

I got a message from Mappy today. He finally moved into his new place in Downtown Long Beach. I wanted go and say hello, but I’ve learned that I should never be alone with Matt. I called Akira, and we brought him a Jesus candle and some Cheez-Its. The reason I don’t like being alone with him is because he constantly hits on me and is always trying to get up in my pants. I used to think Matt was cute, but his looks went downhill for me. When I broke up with Tony, he tried to get me to sleep with him, and I was all like “No, it’d be a little odd.” He wanted to know why.

Because you used to fucking date my best friend, you moron.

Anyway, Matt’s place wasn’t on the part of Ocean I thought it was. The hall of his housing smelled like piss, and there were roaches in his kitchen. I liked the coziness of his place; it’s basically a one-room place with two closets and a kitchen. It was really stuffy in there, but I would still live there if there weren’t all the roaches.

On the ride back, Akira and I both noticed how our crotches were itching. Maybe I shouldn’t have sat on Matt’s bed. God knows what I could have caught from sitting on his bed. Akira attributes it to getting the willies after seeing all the roaches.

Akira and I didn’t stay for long because he has work in the morning, and I had to prepare some journalism shit for tomorrow. On the way back home, Jamal called me. After I dropped off Akira, I called him back. He wanted to do something, so we went to Starbucks. He expressed some interest in going to Hamburger Mary’s for the stripshow tonight. I didn’t really want to go, but it was better than sitting at home and watching TV.

So yeah, we went. Jewels hosts the show now. I haven’t been to the stripshow in so long. They had different strippers; they were so fucking ugly. The drag show is infinitely better.

I also ran into Angel and William at the show ;) It turns out Jamal used to live across the street from Angel.

Oh my god, I’m so essited about Pride. So many people are gonna be there… I could spend so long listing all the people attending. I can think of at least twenty people who are just gonna be in my party alone. And Miros is also having a Saturday night sleepover again this year. I don’t think I’ll go to it, but ya never know ;)

Who’s Jamal, you ask? Jamal is a cashier at Best Buy I’ve been watching for a while. Seeing as how all my checks go to Best Buy, I’m there every week. And whenever I check out, he’s always my cashier. I never intentionally go to his line, it just always happens to be that way. Last Sunday, I bought the third season of Sex and the City and American Beauty. When he scanned American Beauty, he held it up and asked if it was any good. I said in my gayest and most sarcastic voice “It’s the best fucking American movie ever made.” He raised an eyebrow.

Anyway, I went back later in the week, and I saw Giovanna. I asked her about this guy, who I’ve been checking out for months. She said his name is Jamal, and he recently came out. I made a face at the thought of him just coming out. I could see right away that that was trouble, but it didn’t stop me.

This week, I had lunch with Gio. She gave me his phone number and told me he remembered me. I called him right away and left a message. We went out on Friday. We saw Troy and had Sammy’s Woodfired Pizza. It was nice, but I don’t see anything happening with him. Jamal is hella cute, and is totally my type, but he’s such a newbie, I’m afraid of pulling anything on him. And it’s not like he’s 18 or anything. He’s just a year younger than me.

At any rate, I’m taking him with me to Pride this weekend. It’ll be nice to introduce him to some other homosexuals.

God, I’m so full of shit.

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