| New York City Kitty |
[04 Jul 2002|05:11pm] |
I miss you.
I love you.
I wish so terribly that you could all be here with me.
Especially tonight.
I'm suburnt and sweaty and dirty as hell and I have never had so much fun.
I will tell you all my stories when I get home or get to Meriden or to Boston or somewhere where you can stop and breathe.
We have to get back to the hotel now and get ready to PARTY all night.
Happy 4th July!
I miss you.
I love you.
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[30 Jun 2002|10:21am] |
Life in transit.
I have hours upon hours until my flight to New York.
And I want to go out in the overcast dreary sky drizzle and see temples and shrines but I'm stuck in this airport and I don't know how to escape.
I'm walking in circles and finding no school girl pantie vending machines.
I'm helping fellow Australians negotiate pay phones but can't reach my own house.
I need out out out of this place.
It's stiffling and climate controlled and it just doesn't end. It loops back upon itself and HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET OUT?!?
Thank you for Friday night.
I had a wonderful stupid happy time.
I brought a photo with me - pressed it between the pages of my cheesy novel. It's Kelly Charlotte and me and the sun is shining and we are smiling and it's beautiful beautiful.
In my next life I'm coming back as a plane.
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[28 Jun 2002|11:51am] |
I need to buy socks.
I need to pack my suitcase.
And get a journal that isn't sordid and tattered and full of secrets that shouldn't be seen by anyone including me.
A new journal.
For hearts and stars and smiles and sunshine.
I need an experience like  vitaminjunkie. I almost had it the other day with a plastic cover and cutout shapes but the pages were lined and that simply won't do.
My last Australian words to you:
Go and download "Ballad of the Broken Birdie Records" by Mum.
Silly name for a band - gorgeous electronic sounds.
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[27 Jun 2002|05:04pm] |
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mood |
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miaow |
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music |
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Elliott Smith live somewhere covering "Harvest Moon" |
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God bless French Star for bootleg jeans that aren't hipsters.
God bless Slapp for half priced t-shirts that curve the corners of my mouth UPWARD.
flirting is a technique that is to be mastered and not taken lightly. flirting is work.
I have no right whatsoever to wear this t-shirt. But I am and I will because it reminds me of a girl that I don't know but have put on a rockstargenius pedestal.
I'm buying things I don't particularly need and can't really afford.
I think it's a nesting nervous gesture.
Only two more sleeps.
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[22 Jun 2002|04:52pm] |
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music |
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Fuck and Run - Liz Phair |
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"I can feel it in my bones..."
Up at 5:30am, dragging myself cold shivering and half asleep to the telephone for snatches of conversation I can't even clearly remember.
After I hung up I crawled back into my bed, fell asleep and imagined I had dreamt it all.
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[19 Jun 2002|11:04pm] |
Somebody take me out drinking before I go.
No wait, strike that...
EVERYONE take me out drinking before I go.
It's been such a long time and I feel far too sober.
Send me off in a hungover style!
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[18 Jun 2002|12:04pm] |
My new work computer looks like an alien. Or a robot. Hunched forward and ready to move any mintue now.
And when you touch the screen, the pixels ripple away from your finger like water.
My head aches and I'm running on about 2 hours sleep today.
I feel ridiculously happy.
Countdoooown: 11 days.
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[16 Jun 2002|01:08pm] |
Yesterday I bought pyjamas from the supermarket.
They are blue. They have strange looking cartoon ducks on them.
It was a suitably strange thing to do on a Saturday afternoon where the air tasted different and everything seemed just left of center.
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[14 Jun 2002|10:36am] |
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mood |
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strange in a good way |
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music |
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Andy Garcia reading Pablo Neruda |
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I dug through old letter and photos and (wrong wrong oh so wrong) tape recordings last night to remind myself of all the reasons why.
And what was staggering was the dates scribbled in that back to front way on the corners of pages torn from notebooks.
I didn't realise the time span of this.
And that has anchored me.
No more flights of reckless anxiety I promise.
No more crying and shaking and old bad habits.
I'll just leave. That is always an option. Leave.
On the first night, we're going to see The Get Up Kids.
Which is funny if you're me and you engaged in a huge rant at work last week about the only freakin band playing in America was that goddamned emo band.
Not that I mind or object, but I wanted MORE.
But it seems I'm coming a fraction too late (Doves playing in this gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous New York ballroom 20th of June?) and leaving a little too early.
But fuck me: I'm going to New freakin York.
quit this bullshit.
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[13 Jun 2002|12:24pm] |
Because I hate myself when I'm like this (and it gets vicious and circular), I shall pretend it never happened and is not currently happening.
"Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes"
[There is something inherently awful in not being able to turn to the boy who fixes you when you are broken because he is the one who has rendered you out of order]
There are no adequate words for this anyway. I cannot explain it and you cannot understand.
Diversion tactics.
I shall be in charge of a shiny new slick black computer of some sort on Monday.
With a DVD drive that shall be of absolutely no use to me.
God bless you little Australian tax payers - because of you, my work computer (which is perfectly functionable and up to date and fine) has been made redundant and is to be replaced this weekend.
Really, what a lot of nonsense and money wastage.
But black flat screen slickness... I'm not complaining anymore.
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[13 Jun 2002|09:18am] |
My family ought to convert to Protestantism. We are so nearly WASPs with our emotional detachment and our complete and utter refusal to acknowledge that anything is wrong or just not quite right.
Red eyes and red marks explained away with the flimsiest of reasons and implausable excuses.
Because nothing is ever wrong.
And today I don't care.
Today I'm just exhausted.
It's hard to keep my eyes open and my head up.
The last tutorials of the semester this afternoon and I'm avoiding them. Because I know I will just get sullen and militant during the discussion of "Life Is Beautiful", when really I just want to go home and watch "Say Anything..." again.
So it's all over. Presentations and essays and exams next week but it's all over.
thank god.
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[12 Jun 2002|06:10pm] |
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mood |
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TERRIFIED |
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music |
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You Have No Idea - Liz Phair |
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I need to stop crying.
NOW.
I don't want to have to explain the red eyes and the smeared mascara.
Please tell me how to stop this awful stomach turning feeling.
Just tell me that it will all be alright.
[Tell me that you'll never ever let anyone harm me (never ever).]
Lie to me and swear that I'm not making a mistake.
Because I'm positive I am set to destroy everything.
I'm positive that I'll regret it the second we see each other.
I'll regret it because you do and I can sense your disappointment already. Here, now, ahead of time and halfway round the world.
And I don't know how to make it stop.
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[12 Jun 2002|10:58am] |
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music |
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Waitin' For A Superman - The Flaming Lips |
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"You are the one
Solid the spaces lean on, envious."
I feel like I've lost gravity in all senses of the word today.
And I feel the weight of superstition and ominous portent seeping from something as small and insignificant as not being able to find my keys.
And all I can think is what drella wrote once that I can't even remember properly anymore but is caught up in my heartstrings regardless:
I don't know where you are but please come. It's awfully sad without you.
I'm actually not listening to "Waitin' For A Superman" now, I'm listening to "Summer Overture" and "Hope Overture" from the Requiem For A Dream soundtrack and "You Have No Idea" by Liz Phair.
But "Waitin' For A Superman" is a gorgeous song and I was listening to it before with its sad/beautiful/tiny fragments of hope.
"Tell everybody
Waiting for Superman
That they should try to
Hold on the best they can
He hasn’t dropped them, forgot them or anything
It’s just too heavy for Superman to lift"
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[11 Jun 2002|12:43pm] |
They've left me alone again.
They really should know better.
Their first mistake was leaving Aaron and I alone. No work EVER gets done when Aaron and I are left alone together. We are both far too thoroughly entertaining and interesting people to quietly sit and work when we could be noisily talking and, well, not working.
The next mistake came at 12:30pm when Aaron left to go to a lecture. 13 minutes and things have denegrated to the point where I'm not even attempting to sustain the illusion of working.
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| Because Liz Phair is a goddess ... |
[08 Jun 2002|09:57pm] |
Tell Me That You Like Me
I'm not fucking around
I only tell jokes when I think they're funny
You oughta think about it
You oughta think about how I feel
Tell me that you like me
Do you think that it's frightening?
Tell me you like me
Baby, tell me you like me
Make me come down to earth
Tell me you like me
Tell me you like me
I'm not fucking around
You had a dream in which I was a spider
While I was dreaming that you were in love with me
Tell me that you like me
Do you think that it's frightening?
Tell me you like me
Baby, tell me you like me
Make me come down to earth
Tell me you like me
Tell me you like me
And make me wanna come
Baby, make me come down
Make me come down to earth
Tell me you like me
Baby, tell me you like me
Make me come down to earth
Tell me you like me
Tell me you like me
Make me come down to earth
You Have No Idea
You have no idea how much I love you
What I would do for your natural touch
And you have no idea just how I'd hold you
When I am woken from a dream, something bad had happened to us
But I would talk my mouth off
If I thought, oh yes, baby
It would glue you forever to me
And I've worn out my pride
And I've torn at the sky
And I've beaten at the devil
With one heathenist sigh
And I'd never let anyone harm you while I'm alive
I'd never let anyone harm you while I'm alive
You have no idea how much it moves me
Just staring deeply into your green eyes
And you have no idea just how completely I adore you
You would be so surprised
But I would talk my mouth off
If I thought, oh yes, baby
It would glue you forever to me
And I've worn out my pride
And I've torn at the sky
And I've beaten at the devil
With one heathenist sigh
And I'd never let anyone harm you while I'm alive
I'd never let anyone harm you while I'm alive
I'd never let anyone harm you while I'm alive
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[06 Jun 2002|01:21pm] |
That fox down there doesn't look especially suprised.
I want to be listening to "Someday".
"Darlin' your head's not right"
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[06 Jun 2002|01:08pm] |
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mood |
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 surprised |
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It's a little disconcerting to think that this whole crazy internet shebang is a two way mirror.
Here I've been, narcissistically contemplating my own gaze and staring at the fragments of other people's lives without ever fully comprehending that they can see me too.
Because yes, I genuinely am that self-absorbed and stupid.
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[06 Jun 2002|12:43pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Basquiat s'track |
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This morning I sat in front of my cd collection, closed my eyes and pointed until half my disc holder was full.
And I don't really want to listen to anything I chose.
I want chicken soup and my sooky blanket and to be watching "Gamera Vs Monster X" which started 16 minutes ago on SBS.
On the non-whinging side of life: the other person who was doing an internship this semester pulled out.
For all the reasons that I wanted to.
But I could never go through with it.
(I have this thing about being a disappointment to people).
Anyways, for some reason that makes me feel so relieved.
I'm still fucked but I'm content.
I don't waaaaaant my tutorials.
I don't waaaaaant to drive home.
I want the sandwich I forgot to bring today.
My tounge hurts from too hot coffee.
Blah.
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[06 Jun 2002|11:15am] |
According to all the different things at she's crafty I am:
* Brian from "The Breakfast Club"
* Lucas from "Empire Records"
* Lloyd Dobbler from "... Say Anything"
* Miranda from "Sex and the City"
(and obviously a little excessively male identified)
According to this site I am:
* The Swedish Chef!
Yay!
It's been a slow and boring day at work thus far.
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[02 Jun 2002|03:39pm] |
I'm an elitist withdrawn angry girl - how about you?
Well you would know if you'd showed up to Shannon's house on Friday. LIKE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO.
Grrwwrrrr.
Eeew - as well as being cold and evil, I'm also Dawn from "Buffy".
I hate Dawn.
Seriously.... haate. And I usually do my best to reserve my hatred for, you know, real people.
Waste some time
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