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[08 Sep 2002|01:00am] |
why the hell am i still up???
sniff sniff sniff SGGNNOORT...
yeah you know what i'm sayin
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[04 Sep 2002|12:49pm] |
somewhere in the infinitude of causation the immovable mover, the first effient cause, and the necessary being all got together and called themselves the Most Perfect Being, thereby establishing the first committee.
the Most Perfect Being then determined that my theology teacher could deny all forms of false logic, due to the pre-established fact that special revelation was revealed to him. this allowed him to assume all types of claims as "fact", regardless of the state of his disciples as viewers of special or merely general revelation.
it happens by degrees, mr. dean, but every day becomes more frequently and harshly enraged by thought's usurpers
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[31 Aug 2002|08:38am] |
when orientation was still chugging along, we had a night out in chicago with our "big sibs" (sophmores that put up with us)
we walked past roosevelt on our way to the fountain, and i said, "some kids from my high school go there"...
and then, guess who i saw!!! deena! and i was so excited, and nick and brian are there too, and i'm here, and just how exciting is that???
i'm not sure i really like it here. i'm so... out of the loop... and everyday i remember how many people i love are at schools like juliard and eastman and curtis and cim and oberlin.
but it's just the past that i'm holding onto, the good feelings you'd get once in a while...
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[30 Aug 2002|01:40pm] |
8-25
what do you do without them, all the people you knew, thought you knew, didn’t know but recognized.
what do you do with them? i don’t know.
when they’re there, you feel you don’t need them. when they’re gone, you become helpless, dependant on a ghost for security…
am i afraid someone won’t like me? well that’s bound to happen. it’s not so much that… it’s the effort, it’s too much work, too much aggravation for someone that i might not like.
i want it slowly but i won’t stand to wait
8-25
how can you be so amazing, i don’t know, i can’t… but you are, and you’re really the only one. how i didn’t know that before, it’s an impossible impossibility.
so now i know—i knew before too though—you replace them of course. that’s sad but it always works i guess. and maybe it’s not as sad as it seems. sad christmas (!) my old friends were funny.
but sometimes i still think i’m living in tj, and i’ll see you around the next corner
8-30
one three-day week of classes over, i will be longing, this i know. this is strange, because it shouldn’t be—i have three classes, same as last year. but not everyday, it’s an adjustment. there is more expectation but less interaction. i loved the interaction (when i loved it mr. dean)
but now there are so many i left behind or left elsewhere and more than too much to compare to. the question being How Did I Not See then what i long for now. did it not exist, only a ghost of a wish left behind. that cannot be, but that existence then had much to do with you and i and we—a collective soul i can only adore at loss.
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[29 Aug 2002|05:01am] |
tonight i will pretend that i don't care. i will look happy and will act like you love me.
tonight i will rip your letter to shreds, and then i will cry because it hurts that much.
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[25 Aug 2002|12:06am] |
i have to say, i'm just so sick of it all... people change so fast, can't keep track of their mind, their heart...
i never knew it worked that way, i'm still not sure it does.
why can't i be all the things i want to be? *too busy being what you and you and you want me to be* there, the very thing i hate.
bitterness is sticky stuff
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[24 Aug 2002|11:56pm] |
resnet has already blocked me from a lj site.
i think this is going to suck.
i don't like networks at all.
do you hear that interlochen???
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[21 Aug 2002|05:01pm] |
"interlochen has finally gotten ethernet..."
wonderful. is there anything they won't know???
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[21 Aug 2002|04:56pm] |
those smart people that work at my "oh, that's a good school" college
sent me the wrong zip code. dumb.
CPO 2223
Wheaton College
501 E College Ave
Wheaton, IL ^)!*& (that's 60187)
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[21 Aug 2002|08:21am] |
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last night i was driving and i ran over someone on a motorcycle... i knew they were there, right in front of my bumper... but they just weren't going fast enough. or maybe i just wanted to run them over...
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[13 Aug 2002|09:50pm] |
it makes every error a disaster, a complete failure, the end
open ended failure
you failed, now move on...
that is a terrifying truth total terrible truth
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| frightened |
[13 Aug 2002|09:41pm] |
of all the things i don't understand, this plagues me
defenses, assumptions, false logic, usurping thought...
is it possible to lack so much strength is it possible
is weakness a system error or is strength
weakness is either an epidemic
or it is the norm and strong people are the ones that shouldn't have made it through
can someone explain this to me does someone understand am i just beating myself could it just be me?
is this my pride- i don't feel i am one of the strong people, some uberman... does the exceptional man know who he is?
if he is, he is and it would never cross his mind the idea that he might exist... because he does, it's not an issue.
if it's an issue, then i'm nothing, i'm like you like me like him...
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[07 Aug 2002|07:19pm] |
the dumb thing about college is that everyone's already done it
that goes for everything doesn't it
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[07 Aug 2002|07:19pm] |
i talked to my new roomate, i went shopping for what i can get here, i cleaned up and semi-packed, i've explored online chicago... now all that's left to do is wait.
wait...
making me think about how different it's gonna be, and how stupid i am to take so much for f*cking granted
i did, i took it all for granted
even the stuff i didn't like, i forget that i'll never get to dislike that stuff again
and now you're right--i hate when you're right-- and i wish i could do it again, and i just want to go back again
but as much as i say that, as much as i realize, i'll hate the next one too...
is it really possible to understand what you know you don't understand?
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[02 Aug 2002|07:49pm] |
i'm so ansy and i had a bowl of raspberries for dinner. i called my roommate her name is erica but i forgot about time zones and it was only 8 at her house. i woke her sister up and now i feel bad but hey, i was up at 6. i'm very afraid about going to college which is funny since i've already been away at school but i'm terrified because it's not the same, it's like going to school at church instead of the art gallery. i never liked church and now they might make me share my car. but interlochen i loved, not the admin but the life there, i love art whatever that means which is stupid to not know what it means.
my brother lost the national championship and i cried and then felt dumb what's it to me? i love him though oh and he bleached his hair and now he fits in just fine at least physically which is good because he likes to fit in.
i turn 18 in 2 weeks which is strangly young but i wish i was younger but not so much to do. i wish a lot of things but i don't wish to call myself utopian so i'll have to come up with another word.
i miss my friends a lot because there's a storm right now and if they were here we'd go run in the rain and catch pnemonia. the first time i wore jane's red striped teeshirt and jacob came with me and everyone shhhhhh'd us when we came running in
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[17 Jul 2002|07:28pm] |
everything i demand not to be, and always am...
that's it, i put both my feet down. i'm not going any further.
everything i demand not to be, and always am...
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[11 Jul 2002|08:48pm] |
the orthopedic guy said it'll grow back, good news!
but i had to cancel on the wedding in two weeks... i felt bad.
never, never cut your finger off.
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[08 Jul 2002|01:14pm] |
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look! I cut off the tip of my thumb last night. wanna see???
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[01 Jul 2002|05:43pm] |
who left their fingerprints on my imagination?
i slept til ten today, because it's sunday and i can do that on sunday.
on sunday i open my eyes but i don't really get up. sundays make me love tuesday through saturday. tuesday through saturday make me love sunday. on sunday i let myself sing in the shower. i wear whatever i want but i change a couple times, because it's sunday and it's special. i eat in the cafeteria on sunday, because on the weekdays i eat in my room and i appreciate in-room dining more if i don't do it every day. if there aren't leftover veggies for brunch i go for a run, because i have to have something nice on sunday or it doesn't seem special enough. on sunday i wash my sheets and take a shower before i go to bed.
i don't write essays on sunday, unless i want to.
sunday is only for me and i own it.
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[25 Jun 2002|08:10pm] |
mEgan is hardly average
mEgan is a phenomenal little hunting dog
mEgan is so offended. she HATES sex
mEgan is a rock star, whoo hoo
mEgan is an independent
mEgan is a young beautiful memphis escort in tennessee who has
pleased men across the country with her charm and her obvious sex
appeal
mEgan is number 2000, and after he grants her three wishes, he
can return as King of the Upper Tier
mEgan is pleased to discover that her new neighbors have a stable
and a handsome eighteen year old son, Michael Tierney
mEgan is looking for Dustin
mEgan is no longer grounded, and she is back for Dustin
mEgan is making progress at her pace and her age doesn’t matter
mEgan is a full-time job
mEgan is undaunted by the task of achieving heterosexuality; she
simply wants to do her time and go home
mEgan is coming downstairs for her date. ... depressing
mEgan is still a little unsure of what to do with (semi-)solid
food
mEgan is working hard to keep her end of the bargain
mEgan is now more experienced and knowledgeable about her illness
mEgan is going steady with the team quarterback
mEgan is no longer so frantic
mEgan is attempting to drop flower petals down the isle, but they
are sticking to her lace gloves
mEgan is flitting around the house pretending to be an angel
mEgan is stabbed to death
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