Transcendent Angel w/ paper wings' Journal [entries|friends|calendar] Transcendent Angel w/ paper wings [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[24 Jul 2003|09:27am] [ mood | accomplished ] I have a new journal now...and if you don't know it..you can just fuck right off! lol..jk...but im me and I will CONSIDER you...or leave a comment..w/e! lol..late. [ hold me]

crazy times..with bess! [23 Jul 2003|12:57am] [ mood | happy ] [ music | The Dope Show (remember this bess?ew haha) ] I be loving the bess! WE NEED DADS, DJ RED FISH, MAXIM, HORSEBOY(aka Denver ew), muscle butt, weeweenana, smoking rock in the closet!, umm...collector bubblegum case = 5$!~, LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS w/ Jackie, IM SLIPKNOT RAAAAAAAAAW I HAVE A NEW ALBUM COME OUT CALLED IOWA!! RAHHH, I want to be a cowboy (maybe Dale already MADE you into one! HAHA), WEnis, boo hiss and samantha the snob, we obviously like twix - A LOT. Zoolights!, snort pixy stix!, hi leo - bye leo!, LOOK AT DEM BOOBIES -ashley jiggles-, BETO CONTRERAS IS A PIRATE!,"wanna go downtown!?" = gta3 hookers!, MRS GROBMEIR WAS TOTALLY JEWISH!, jargy1/middie51 = oldskool, BFF FOR LYFE haha.. Gawd Bess there are soooo many inside jokes we have and i can't even remember all of them! I wish we still had all our old journals we used to write notes in especially that black and white one b/c i remember we wrote down like all our inside jokes in the back..damnit..lol..I mished talking to yew and i luff you and all that jazz and im soo glad we're talking again! ahh the memories..best times of my life witchu! WITCHU! HAHAH I'll never forget that I failed that stupid bitch Mrs.redheaded bitch in the summer's class (damn i am at a loss, i forgot her name..oh well haha) and remember I got kicked out of that class because i called her a fucking bitch and she heard me? Hahahaha. Oh and we both ditched our finals freshman year in English because that teacher was also a stupid bitch! harhahrar Dood we have sooo many memories like omg...haha. Well um keep talking to me cos i have missed you! tehe. AnYwAyZ more rappin chats tomorrow night! if this doesn't make any sense to the rest of you, then it shouldn't...because um...this is...for Bessica...she knows all this stuff...hahha...dood well im tired and not making any sense..soo..um...peace the fk out haha. just remember- i still gotz luv fo ya shawty ;) rofl :x [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

[21 Jul 2003|09:10pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | 3 doors down - when i'm gone ] Today.... Randy: Will you marry me? yay :D he actually said those exact words..We're gonna get married..(duh we always were gonna haha..) HE REALLY WANTS TO GET MARRIED!!! ok..well anyways, I've just been watching South Park ALL DAY! I am determined to know EVERYTHING about that show and also see every episode! AHHH! hehe...late! [ 4 snuggles <3 hold me]

WEE [19 Jul 2003|11:14pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Happy Hardcore like always..haha ] I've HAD A FABULOUS NIGHT! Thanks BABY! hehe...He is suchhhh a sweetie and told me I am like the most important person in his life..and that he honestly thinks I am the most attractive girl in the world! he told me he wants to marry me, that I am his dream girl and he is in love with everything about me! HE MAKES ME SOOO HAPPY! Ok I just had to brag about how I have the most perfect person in the whole world! I'm done now..haha <333 AND BABY IF YOURE READING THIS - MY HEART IS ALL YOURS! You are truly sooo beautiful and I am soo in love with your soul and not just what you do for me! I can't wait to be with you forever and be your loving wife, the best one I can possibly be, because you deserve the best..I love you sooo much!!! <3333 [ 8 snuggles <3 hold me]

an update [19 Jul 2003|02:20pm] [ mood | good ] On a superficial note- I had an appointment today to get my hair highlighted with blonde, which I have wanted for THE LONGEST TIME! I happen to think I would look SOOO much cuter with blonde hair! But the thing that stopped me is because I know Randy totally doesn't want me to! I know he would say go ahead and do it if it makes you happy, but he has sacraficed a lot of things he's wanted to do to make me happy so hey I just owe it back to him! ONE DAY I WILL BE BLONDE---ONE OF THESE DAYS! lol Anyway, yep I just woke up..I had nightmares about a really fat chick...no really..i did. It was NOT cool! And my phone range hasn't been working since last night so no one can call me! Fuckin Tmobile! arg! hehe. On the other hand, things are going FANTASTIC for me and Randy. He is the biggest sweetie ever and I can't wait to marry him! I wish I could TOMORROW! I bought some cute stuff from a website like an Army Wife purse and some shirts that say Army Wife..Woohoo..Anyway I'll be going now, my baby should be getting off work soon :) awws I luff him! Tiffy is like the sweetest girl ever<33333 shes muh best friend HEHEHHE :D One more thing, I made a new website last night when I got bored..check it out if you wish! My new page.. LATE <3 [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

hey yeah so fuck you guys! [17 Jul 2003|05:42pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | NOFX ] randy: hahahaha you scratched out erics numbers! hahahahaahahahaha randy: thats my baby BabiCuddle: Uh why were you looking for them? randy: no i just was going through my phone book BabiCuddle: Oh Ok. randy: but i luff you baby BabiCuddle: Hell yeah i scratched that fucker out! damn straight! BabiCuddle: I luff you too <3 randy: im going to write a poem for you BabiCuddle: LOl are you being sarcastic cos i scratched out his numbers? randy: no i luff it! BabiCuddle: Oh and you had his number as backup in your wallet..i took that out too :-X randy: hahahaha randy: i dont care BabiCuddle: you really dun care?! :D BabiCuddle: you said you luff it?! thats awesome! lol randy: the second i saw you somewhere i knew, we would be together all the way through, the smell of your body, the smell of your heair- wherever that smell is i want to be there. whatever reminds me of my presious love, gives me the strenth to rise above. and sthough sometimes we fight and quarrel and bitch, i always need you to scratch my itch. you are the best baby i want you to know, in my whole life- youre the star in my show BabiCuddle: AWW I LUFF YOU!! BabiCuddle: what was that for? <3 randy: to show you how much i think about you constantly BabiCuddle: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i missed that! BabiCuddle: <333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 randy: ^-^ BabiCuddle: thats so funny that you wrote that after i crossed out fagfaces numbers lol <3 BabiCuddle: and you didnt even care! thats love<3 randy: baby- eric never in a million years could make me as happy as you have randy: what do i need him for BabiCuddle: OMG PERFECT ANSWER SWEETIE<3333333333 randy: hehehe randy: so you likie> BabiCuddle: I LOVED LOVE LOVED! BabiCuddle: you are the biggest sweetie EVER EVER EVERRRRRRR and i wanna marry you!@ BabiCuddle: <33 randy: hehee randy: me too baby randy: yesh hey yeah so this is a message just to say fuck you to every single one of you, who randy and i claimed to be "our friends" who were really just judging us and talking a bunch of shit about us behind our backs..we decided a long time ago that we don't need any of you..so fuck you guys! (you should know who you are..!) If you haven't lost our numbers by now, you should...late. <3 hehe i luff you ran <3 [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

my trip [01 Jul 2003|02:49pm] [ mood | bored ] I know, I know, I haven't written in here in soo long! But I have been busy and I have grown to not really like livejournal very much, I keep my own offline journal now which is much safer! lol. But yeah..I just got home from Fort Hood on very late Sunday night, and I had a wonderful time! I never wanted to leave! Randy came home on June 9th and we spent 9 wonderful days home in Phoenix, we hung out with friends and stuff a little bit but for the most part we were just together by ourselves. We spent most of his time here at his Mom's house which was cool. She was gone most of that whole time though, wee. It was nice being with my baby for his birthday. On the 16th, we started our trip to Fort Hood, driving there. We had no air conditioning! Jees it was bad, as far as the heat goes. But I loved going on a roadtrip, it was my first and I was glad it was with Randycakes. I got to see Mexico for the first time when we were driving through El Paso, TX which was cool. I got really REALLY sunburnt on my right arm from the sun being on it the whole trip! In Southern Az, we stopped at this weird place called "THE THING" which turned out to be a museum of sorts and that was...weird. lol. We drove from about 8 am til 10 pm, to where we reached Fort Stockton, TX and stopped there and stayed at a nice hotel. The next morning we were back on the road and I thought since we were in Texas already, that we were close to our destination, but i was SOO wrong! lol...It was a very long ways off. We were really in the middle of nowhere! WHen I fell asleep in the car, I heard this loud crash and I though a tire blew or something, but a vulture hit the windshield at about 90 mph! whoa lol...Anyway, we finally got to Ft. Hood and I loved it of course, as always. We stayed in the same hotel on base that we always stay on and Randy had to work a LOT of the time I was there but whenever he'd come home, we always had a good time! I dragged him out to dinner and places almost every night! I even got him to take me to Dennys, which is a big step for him because he thinks it's really ghetto, but hey, i LOVE dennys! Ihop is always my fave though. Hm and we bought books at the mall and a really cool happy hardcore dvd. He finally let me go into the barracks! I was very happy about this. I had only been in one once, his old one, and i didnt even remember it because he only let me stay in there for about a whole 5 seconds! He doesn't like the barracks or especially me being in them! But I absolutely fell in love with them, and I want to live in one! haha. Ask anyone and they will say barracks suck, but I suppose I only like them so much because I don't have to live in one! I got to spend quite a bit of time in his this time, which was nice. Well, yeah, we had a great time! I never wanted to leave lol..but we ran out of money and I have some things I have to tend to at home so...here I am. :/ I miss my baby already! My birthday is in 7 days, woooo! That is exciting. Closer and closer to getting married, which is my ultimate dream in life, actually. I am absolutely fascinated by this. Day by day, I think of marriage more and more and the more I think about it, the more I want it! I don't want to wait lol. When we DO get married, I am going to have like every army wife accessory there is for sale! I have already found some sites with army wife paraphenilia! lol..I am getting like 3 shirts and a tote bag, woo. Anyway, I was just bored so I wrote, don't expect me to write very often in here but I will occassionally..hehe...well, late. [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

! [09 Jun 2003|07:53pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] MY BABY IS FINALLY HOME!~WOOOHOOOO!!! [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

[01 Apr 2003|09:54pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | !!! ] I talked to Bess casualtie for the first time in a longggg time! OMG I missed herrr!! MEMORIES <3333333333 [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

HALELUJAH [11 Mar 2003|10:02pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | me screaming ;] ] Guess who is going to Texas for Spring Break to see the love of her life?! That's right, I AM! This has got to be the greatest day, woooooo! I AM SO EXCITED!!! :D

[08 Mar 2003|10:56am] [ mood | content ] from this point on, this journal is friends only..now and forever :) Log in if you wish to read. If you would like to read my journal, leave a comment and I will take it into consideration. :) [ hold me]

"Friendship" [06 Mar 2003|03:09pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Black Flag ] Well, I have a new perspective on "friendship" (Or lack thereof, haha) for the past month or so. And it is this: I don't believe in friendships. Now, keep in mind, that is temporary and it *WILL* pass. But for the time being, that is that. I have many reasons, and quite a few people know what they are and why. I was talking to Randy about all of this, when I realized something about me and friendships...You know how a lot of relatively young people say "Oh, I don't want that mess right now of a relationship, so I am staying single"..as far as relationships go, right? Well, I am just the opposite, in a way. Counter-clockwise, if you will. The way most young people look at relationships, is the main jist of my present views on friendship. Relationships have always been the easier part of the equation for me, maybe because I was born to love and yadda, yadda. But friendships have always been..troublesome, on some end or another. I have also happened to have a sufficient number of pseudo friends who have STOLEN from me, whether they admit it or would rather be in denial and come up with some extremely incredulous theory that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I think drugs after a while, can cause one to be rather incoherent and come up with theories that prove as such. But, I am done with retorts and all, because I know where I stand, and I know where they stand (though they are so low it could actually be considered lying down?) and from here on out the situation is deemed futile, through my eyes. And besides, I have gained here - I have learned a really valueable lesson that I truly believe I will Never forget. I don't know what it is, but I always seem to attract those who steal, lie, are involved with drugs, and are just all around LOSERS. I guess this is partially my fault for who I once was in the past as well, but I have changed for the better, while others I see around me are still stuck in the mud. For the time being, I have completely given up on friendships and especially those which require a certain level of trust...but it's not forever, of course. I just have standards now, meaning I won't settle for yesterday's garbage and whatever else smelly remains are in my line of sight. Thank God I have Randy, which him alone is more than plentiful enough for my happiness. It goes unphased. Sure, I may want friends..In the future. Right now I am not ready for that, much like that of not being ready for a relationship..and when I do feel ready to have a friend again, I will know, and I will prove myself to be far less naive and CERTAINLY not so quick to trust. I knew better than to trust blindly, but rather to make them EARN my trust, but my naivette got the best of me, but I have learned. As for the parties involved, I have nothing more to say to you because I now see what you are. I don't even want to hear what you have to say because, in all honesty, it will just go in one ear and out of my other. On another note, everything is going well, and in part of ridding myself of leaches and other such volatile contraptions, I have been reading a lot lately (some really good books!) and talking a lot to my baby. I have also taken up running everyday. I feel rather free, I feel friendships can tie you down just as much, if not even more, than relationships can, and the ones I had, did. Now I can do whatever I want without the feelings of obligation. I have no desire to even go out anymore, everything I need is right here. I am content. Randy might be coming home for my Spring Break and we plan to have it be just like old times, Spring Break last year. Ahh..soo lovely. Best times ever! Randy truly is perfect. Our 1 year anniversary is this Saturday, Exciting. Yes, I have been counting down the days, haha. Love will do that to you. A year..wow. I don't necissarily see that as being any really long period of time, it just looks so good in comparison to those who can't keep a boyfriend over a week. :) Sadly, that is most of the world's high school population, I might add. Hmm, Well I am off of my tangent for now. Late :) [ 3 snuggles <3 hold me]

My comment to April, the biggest slut around. [04 Mar 2003|06:49pm] You know, for someone who "cuts" herself (For attention, I am POSITIVE) and "is suicidal", you would think you would be competant to get it right this time. You should have done away with yourself a long time ago, no one likes you and that is a fact. You are a slut and everyone I have talked to about you agrees, which is not the least bit suprising since you fuck just about anything that breathes. I mean Red headed Jimmy? That is a new low for you. You probably did it to get and advance on drugs,which brings me to my next point - that you are a lying, junkie theif. It makes me wonder, what Won't you do for a little meth or coke? Or HASH? I think that one speaks for itself and reflects on just what kind of person you are. You look for love in all the wrong places, you think fucking guys will make them love you, well, No one will ever love you. You are too problematic, too dramatic and too self destructive. No one wants a chocolate mess to be " in love with". Your whole life is a mess and it's no one fault but YOURS. You think you have it so damn hard and that life is one big tragedy...but I don't see you being poverty stricken, having no parents, having no friends (that one comes as a suprise) so you have NOTHING to bitch about. You just wallow in self pity because you feel sorry for yourself and you feel everyone else should too. You scream for attention, you thrive on it. I am sure if everyone ignored you for a week, you would stop breathing. You are a parasite - you live and feed off of others, a pesky leach if you will. Could you last a day on your own? I find it rather ironic and in fact, even COMICAL, that you have the nerve to call ME the liar, when in fact, YOU are the theif here, and not just for conissuer purposes, but for DRUGS. You are truly lower than the vile in one's infectious, disease ridden saliva. Don't worry though, you have a "friend" right at the same level as you, Chris. -snickers- I believe you will never find true friends, and even if you do, you are COMPLETELY and UTTERLY unnable to keep them for an extended period of time, because you are A LYING SACK OF SHIT. I feel you already know the truth about yourself, I am merely reminding you. You can't even tell people at school the truth about stealing the money - cause you're ashamed of yourself, aren't you? You should be. You are worthless, and always have been. Even your own mother sees you as worthless and wants nothing to do with your sorry ass, she wants to send you away and get rid of you cause all your are is one big inconvinient, sorry piece of ass. You are a piece of ass to all guys, and that is all you are. No one will ever think you are special, and no one will ever put you on a pedestal a day longer than they can see through your lies, self pity and pure bullshit. I am suddenly reminded why I kept you around for so long, because I had no one else. I am sure even your own mother keeps you around for lack of anyone else. You are a degenerate, one with probably a series of undiscovered STDS at that, and I am eternally greatful that I never touched you, for fear of lepracy or contracting some other sort of grievous bodily disease. I regret few things in life, you are one of them.I think everyone who knows you regrets meeting you in some way or another. You are a pathetic waste of life, and my only advice to you, is to do it right this time and KILL YOURSELF NOW The end. She is lucky that is all I'm saying. I could go on forever :) [ 7 snuggles <3 hold me]

.Drunken Butterflies. [04 Mar 2003|03:08pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Sonic Youth- Titanium Expose ] Hello..Long time no talk. Anyway, Things have been just fine like usual, and I love Randy as always! He really is the sweetest guy in the whole world! I luff him. I am hearing war talk everywhere I go, and even more deployment talk..it seems that literally every army wife I know's husband is already deployed or is leaving in a couple days. That scares me..I really don't want to see Randy go. I mean yeah, it's not like I am with him everyday or even in the same state anyway, but the states are ALWAYS going to be safer than "out there"..It's a whole other world out there and my fears for him increase more and more everyday. I know it will be hell for me too, just not as much as it will be for him. It will feel like basic training all over again but even longer, but this time I know I can handle it and I know it will be hard, but I have control this time. I am just going to keep going on with my life like I am now, I will spend most of my days with my head buried deep in a book, Why would I want to associate with MORONS out there? I don't. I am content not leavving my house for weeks at a time besides school. Maybe hang out with Jaykob on good days...or bad. hehe. Anyway, I know I shouldn't be bitching because I have been extremely lucky that he hasn't been deployed thus far! Whatever happens though, it will be ok. On another note, I have been running and working out! Randy is ecstatic about it and proud of me, and I am proud of myself! Doin good. I am doing pretty well in school too for once, which is good. My mom's birthday is on Thursday so I have to go shopping tomorrow night. and on Thursday...March 8th..it was exactly one year ago that I officially fell in love..HARD. It was the absolute best day of my life! I am so excited for it to be back...and though we wont be together on that day (booo) We vowed to celebrate it when he comes home again next. We are thinking he is coming home on March 21st, for my spring break! But with the army lifestyle and a war about to break, nothing is for sure. I hope it does happen though, it could be just like last year, my spring break. The best times of my entire life. Oh, the b l i s s. I miss his touch, and even when we are on the phone, I miss his voice, his cute little voices make me giggle and smile even on the worst days, unsaid reassurance that everything is beautiful in it's own way, because we are in love. His voice makes me long to hold him, how I adore him so. I just want to squeeze and never let go. His words of love and adulation comfort me as his arms around me would, they set my heart a flutter and my brain whispers Love. This is love. :) [ hold me]

[02 Mar 2003|03:53pm] [ mood | giddy ] I just got home, I saw the movie "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days"..It was soo cute. Even humorous. It made me fall in love with Randy all over again -smiles-. I realized all the things she did to push the guy away, almost every girl does at least some of those! After having watched that movie, I am gonna try to be an even better girlfriend, I am somewhat inspired :) I love him sooo much. It felt so good after seeing the movie to have someone and not feel alone. I would probably feel depressed after having saw that if I was single and not totally, utterly in love, like i am! I really love love stories. I don't care if they are cheesy to some, I still find them cute, and I can always relate to them because I have him <3 Today is better than yesterday and I am in love as always :D [ hold me]

[01 Mar 2003|07:42pm] [ mood | fuck ] [ music | surrounded - dj freezer ] Today has been one piece of shit. I want today to end and nothing to ever come back. I truly hate today it has really sucked and I am extreeeemely irritable, so bad I just want to jump out of my skin. Everything is pissing me off today and tonight...Randy deleted his journal...pshh..whatever. [ 3 snuggles <3 hold me]

Army Shit [27 Feb 2003|12:22pm] [ mood | pleased ] Hey...Well today has been interesting,been reading all damn day and at lunch, two guys in the army were on Hrap..I asked them where they went to Basic and they said Fort Benning, but they are Infantry. I told them Randy's MOS and all they said is "we break things that they fix"...Dumbasses. I have to admit I was very suprised that they went to Benning. Especially since one of the guys competed with a civilian in pushups and the civilian kid lasted longer..LMAO. That was funny shit. I took every little thing they were giving out, and I knew so much more about the Army than anyone else standing over there (of course). Then I came to 6th period, which I am in right now, and I was saying how I wish I could join the army and this guy and the teacher said Marines are better..and I straight up told the teacher to his face "you're just a civilian so you don't know shit"..he was like WHAT?!~ I was like yeah You heard me. You are on the outside, I am going to be an Army wife, I know what's up. Then I said Marines aren't as smart as the Army soldiers, hence the name "jarheads" and the teacher talked about Marines going airborne and I was like "See, you're such a civilian that you don't even know that Army does Airborne as well". I just wanted to smack him across the face for his stupidity. Anyway, Sometimes I really think I should join, I am totally fascinated by it and if I didn't have Randy, I WOULD join, but I wont because I don't want to be seperated from him any more than we already have to be. But I pride myself in being one step ahead of the everyday Civilian..I am on the inside and I love that. They really don't know shit and it annoys me to know end when they talk about something like they know anything about it, when they don't know ANYTHING HAHA. Anyway, Everyone says how they can tell I am really proud of Randy, and you know what, I am. He is the shit and he has done a wonderful job in the army, civilians here suck! I hate calling them civvies though, when I am one too. I wish I wasn't. Anyway, I am just gonna chill for the rest of class and read Ljs and read my book "Junky". I miss you Ran and I am proud of you baby, I luff you <3 [ 3 snuggles <3 hold me]

Blast From The Past... [24 Feb 2003|08:38pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Thursday - Understanding the Car Crash ] It's truly amazing how just looking through your old cd collection can make you realize and remember so many things.. I was looking through my old cds, among the very first I had ever burned. And so many memories raced across my mind. I realized how different of a person I used to be. It's safe to say I am not at all who I used to be. I am 100% different. I would say for the better, for I have found a profound, unexplainable depth of happiness in my life. I am taken back to the days of mostly freshman year, so much happened that year. It was the longest year of my entire life. It's amazing how much can happen in a year, especially in two. I have come so far. I found my old goth cds (Cruxshadows, The Cure, Bauhaus, Switchblade Symphony) and "screamo" (primarily Thursday and Poison the Well) and it takes me back to when I was a different person. The good old days with Bess (I must admit those days were fucking priceless, and no matter what I will always feel that way..) those days of getting in trouble and not even having a conscience, I couldn't differentiate right from wrong back then, I was completely inhibitionless. Like sneaking out the car at 2 in the morning and just cruising, first experiments with drugs, first real life lessons. Summer school. haha. Finding a whole new world of music and people.Those who have read my old journal know what I was like back then. I don't really completely know who I am yet, but I have pieced together a lot, because back then I was so lost, I didn't even have the first clue. I really believe that you have no idea what your life is going to be like or who you are til your freshman year in high school. I have gone through so many people who I thought were my friends, and even a very small couple actually were. It was a very hard time for me overall, but there were a few times that were actually fun (with friends) I have learned so many lessons, but no matter how old you get, you still have more lessons to learn. It's just such a trip, because not only to see yourself grow into someone else, but also to watch everyone one of your old friends grow into someone else too. This may be a ramble, may be abstract thinking, but oh well. When I listen to all this music, I remember the feeling of being alone, and I also automatically think of Bess. Even though we aren't really friends anymore, we were there for each other through literally everything. We grew up together. There is not one thing in my life that she hasn't known about. not one thing. No one (except maybe Randy) knows as much as she does about me, and she may know even more because she was there to see it ALL. Randy knows who I am NOW and a touch of who I used to be, but Bess knows everything else.Who Iused to be. I always remember having the greatest times with her. It was like we were attached at the hip...no matter what happened. I sort of miss having a solid friendship like that, but high school fucks everything up like that and it's so hard to find a REAL friend. One that is there like she used to be. I don't even want to take the chance to trust anyone else like I did with her, not for a long time if ever, Idon't trust high schoolers. I am just soaked up in total flashbacks and nostalgia right now. Music really captures a moment, or actually, an era for me. And it sticks forever. WHatever I listen to during a certain era in my life, when I go back to listen to it with time, it will ALWAYS remind me of whatever time I listened toit a lot during. I know I have written previous entries similar to this, but I will ALWAYS be fascinated by how things progress and change with time..It's just so fascinating. So much can happen in such little time and I find that truly mind boggling. Looking back, I had my happy moments (all with bess) but primarily I was a very lost and alone soul back then, and I am forever thankful that I made it through those times, rain or shine, and that I had the strength to not only get through but to grow up a bit. I am ready for so much more than Iused to be, and with every passing day, I am ready more and more, closer and closer, to be on my own, and to be married and truly start my life. Last year at this time, I was still a lost, scared little girl, and thanks to a select few (MAJORLY thanks to Randycakes), I am who I am today. Thanks so much for supporting me and being there for me, helping me become who I am today. [ hold me]

fuck high school. Good Riddance. [23 Feb 2003|06:08pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Avril- Naked ] Hmm. Well this weekend pretty much SUCKED! But at least I didn't have to go to school :) My mom has been on the phone all weekend with my ex-friends' parents, blah blah. Who cares, I just want this to all be over with. Somewhere along the way I have started to convince my mom into letting me drop out and get my GED. You see, I've wanted to do this basically since my first day of high school, so this serves as quite the big relief to me. I hope it ends up happening, but I will make it happen some way or another. There is no fucking way I am staying at shitty Pinnacle, and all the other schools around here are REALLY ghetto. I am just so sick of school, I want to be done with it. I am not doing very well anyways, never really have, and I am behind in a sufficient amount of credits therefore it is more than likely that I would be a 5th year senior, as though 4 grueling years of hell and pure bullshit isn't enough of a toll on one's sanity as it is. My mom is making me check more into it (though I am apt to just going ahead and dropping out, fuck looking into it, I know what I want) and then instead of going to HS, I would be taking a few college courses at PVCC. Even a diploma class. I think that would be nice. I can't wait. If I don't drop out soon, I will DEFINITELY be dropping out within the next year, I can guarantee. I can't hang with this high school bullshit. I wanted to withdrawl as soon as tomorrow but my mom insists on looking into it more. I know everyone is going to say how bad of an idea this is, but if you think about it, more than half of the population is dropouts anyway and I am pretty much just wasting my time even showing up to school because all I do is bullshit around and don't do my work, I am in my own world and everyone there knows it by the look on my face. I just want to skip this next year, move to TX, get married and sometime following that, have kids..eventually. I no longer trust anyone in high school, and MOST of those even out of it, because I always end up befriending the junkie sluts and low life druggies. I confess, I have definitely done my share of drugs (more than I should have ever done), But I never stole for it, never sucked dick for it, none of that. Losers. Anyway, I hope I drop out soon..Other than that, everything is going pretty well, I am not dwelling on Wednesday's incident (being robbed by who I thought were "friends" of mine) because they are the losers. I miss Randy and I hope he comes home for my spring break, or whenever, since I probably wont be in school anymore by then. Well, I am just gonna dork around for the next couple days and keep on strongly convincing my mom to let me take my GED at PV Mall..I'll keep you posted. Love you Ran!! MWAH <3 [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

Sometimes I wonder.. [21 Feb 2003|11:13pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Bikini Kill - StarFish ] Sometimes I wonder..what is the world coming to these days? It's such a weird idea, the concept of life. It always gets me, how you think everything is going fine, and that you have close friends and everything else...you feel you finally have "friends"...and you begin to trust. It is amazing how fast trust can wither away though, I have come to realize. I have lost faith in a huge percentage of those who surround me and call themselves my "friends" after the past few days. Those of you KNOW very well who you are. I just cannot fathom the fact that one minute you think you know someone so very well, and they could even be your very best friend, and in a matter of minutes, you find out you don't really know them at all. I thought I had friends, I thought it was alright to trust these people, but I have proved myself wrong. I chide myself for being naive on this one. All everyone is these days are pure feelings of greed masked behind the facade of a psuedo-friendship. It's sad, but the truth comes out. I guess better now than later..I have lost faith in many of you, you know who you are. How could you betray my trust? Excuse me for being brash, but You're fucking pathetic. I invite you to my home and offer MY hospitality to you, and you totally take advantage of that and fuck me over. and it is of course MY ass..and somewhat at my own expense too. I'm sure you even realize it yourself when you steal money from your "friends" to score drugs or you suck a stranger's dick for hash. Dirty secrets unfold..the plot thickens. And you have nothing on me so I am free to lash out. What a wonderful feeling, and I am afraid you had it coming to you. All of you. You will all get yours, I don't even have to do anything but sit back and watch, because karma is a bitch and works in mysterious ways. It will totally bite you in the ass and I'll be the one laughing the entire time at *YOUR* expense. I believe it was Jesicka Fodera, of Jack Off Jill that so cleverly put "When you are suffering, know who sold you out." That's right,ME. And I'm not sorry. You had it coming to you...I can't trust any of you, and I regret that I ever let you fool me into being naive enough to be disallusioned into your pseudo-charms. I will learn. and fortunately, maybe you both will too. If not, you will just continue in your life long asperations and downward spiral(s) into a progressing life of a losers (one on drugs, I might add) - and I also might say that you are succeeding more at that every day. You should be proud. Luckily for me, I am happy inside, I am not a miserable, alone soul like you, you thought you were alone, but you had friends...well, you just fucked yourself out of the most genuine friend you will probably ever hope to have. You tend to have a habit of fucking up everything you have, if you haven't taken note of that yourself just yet. Everyone leaves you because you always fuck everything up. So really, I am not the loser, I may have lost in a material sense, but I surely am not the loser in this situation - you are. You want to know why? Because you are in trouble, you are a disappointment to your own mother, I still have my happiness, and I have a new-found sense of who my true friends are...and I wish I never would have to have said this, but you are not one of them. You're not who I thought you were. I have to even side with Jackie on this one - you just can't be trusted, can you? Maybe you really are what everyone says you are after all....every last one of you is a liar and a pussy. On another note..haha...I babysat my mom's friend's little boy tonight and Ihad a good time doing so, and I made a little money too! (saving up for a skateboard aww yeaH)..he is soo cute, I love kids! I was grounded all day from the computer (due to my oh so good "friends", kiss my ass thank you much) so I have just been bored, talked to Randy a little bit, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Through all of this today, I have learned that trust can be a deceiving thing, and I totally have realized just how much I appreciate Randy..I realize it more and more all the time. Seriously, he has never once fucked me over. He is the best person in the world. I realized I am not trusting anyone but him as of late. ANd it will hopefully stay that way for a LONG time, and I will be much more cautious next time around. Rnady is soo great. It was really hard for me to trust him during the first half of our relationship soley because trusting in relationships has always been a task for me, but I have never regretted trusting him since the day I started to. He has never let me down like that. and for that I love him even more. I love talking to him about everything, and I know I can..It's like, whatever is going on, I just talk to him about it and it kind of all goes away, or I feel relieved as though a big weight is being lifted off my shoulders. He is not only my love, but also my best friend I've ever had. I really do trust him. It's amazing. Not much could shake that either, it is pretty strong, and I have never had that kind of security ever before..soo refreshing. I love Randy! Anyway, I hope those who have betrayed me and lied to me rot in hell, you'll get what's coming to you, paybacks are a bitch. :) luff yew foreve...meeeeeeeeeeeh hehe :) [ hold me]

a cop out entry..haha..boredddd [20 Feb 2003|03:23pm] I REGRET - quite a few things, a lot of not living my life to the fullest. I WISH - i could forget the past I LOVE - Randy, Julie,April, mom..............that's it. I MISS - back in the day I FEAR - no love I WANT - to get married! I HEAR - silence I SEARCH - for all the right answers..and to have fun LAST TIME YOU...... SMILED? when I talked to Randy CRIED? sunday night BOUGHT SOMETHING? don't remember DANCED? last weekend HAMMERED? when Randy went AWOL. KISSED SOMEONE? Monday morning TALKED TO AN EX? very long time (thank god haha) LAST THING YOU READ? Courtney Love : The Real Story LAST MOVIE YOU SAW ON THE BIG SCREEN? Catch Me If You Can..( I think?) NUMBER YOU CALLED? Randy LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED ON TV? hahaha I don't remember LAST SONG YOU HEARD? 311 - flowing LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK? raspberry gingerale YOU ATE? pizza :/ HAVE A CRUSH? wonderful boyfriend :D HAVE A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? the best. REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? I still have it STILL LOVE HIM/HER? always READ THE NEWSPAPER? nope. HAVE ANY GAY, BISEXUAL OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? uhh yes! BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? yes BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? yes ALCOHOL? yes BELIEVE IN GOD? undecided HAVE ANY SECRETS? not really, one person knows everything HAVE ANY PETS? yeah GO TO OR PLAN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY? don't know HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? soon hopefully HAVE ANY TATTOOS? No. HAVE A BEST FRIEND? Yes HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? yea CARE ABOUT LOOKS? a little..but not all that much TRUST OTHERS EASILY? noooo TAKE WALKS IN THE RAIN? sometimes not as much as I used to [ME] Full name: Ashley Rene Do you like it?: It's alright, I will love it when I am married Nicknames: Ash, Ashee, Ashleypoo (HAHA) If you could change your first name, what would it be?: i duno Age: not yet the age I want to be DOB: 7/8 Height: 5'1 :-x Hair color: brown with blonde highlights, i'm letting it grow out Eye color: greenish with a touch of brown Where do you live?: Arizona. Do you like it there?: I'm used to it Why/Why not: whoknows Astrological sign: cancer Shoe Size: in womens? like 7 1/2 School: Pinnacle...I want to go to North Canyon [ Family ] Do you have any siblings?: no If so, what are their names and ages?:..... Are your parents divorced/remarried/single?: divorced Do you like your family: most of the time Favorite relative: none [ Favorites ] Number: 17 Color: baby pink, grey Car: Honda or Acura Season: spring Holiday: x-mas Month: july. Day of the week: Saturday Grade so far: none Sport: skating lmao Class: fuck that Teacher so far: NONE Drink: shirley temple hehe Candy: snickers almond i think Food: pasta Fruit: apples, pears, any really Veggie: carrots Dessert: sweet cream ice cream with raspberries and gummi bears haha TV show: South Park/ Crank Yankers Radio station: the "techno" station, if i HAD to pick. CD: If I had to pick? Probably Lost In Trance Movie: All the Cky's Song: too many Word: Randy Phrase: "I love you" Animal: seals/manitees Flower: roses (thanks baby!) Clothing store: online clothing stores States (that you've been to): like 5 Ice cream: sweet cream [ this or that ] Me/You: you AOL/AIM: Aim CD/Cassette: CD DVD/VCR: dvd Radio/CD: CD Jeans/Khakis: jeans Car/Truck: car Strong/Weak: strong Upset/Pissed: happy Tall/Short: well for a guy? tall. Lunch/Dinner: dinner Abercrombie/Hollister: no Gap/Old Navy: definitely not Nsync/BSB: fuck that Britney/Christina: i smell WHORES Love/Lust: love, by far Inside/Outside:Inside Lipstick/Lipgloss: lipgloss Silver/Gold: silver Piercings/Tattoos: piercings Football/Basketball: ha skating Lightning/Thunder: who cares [ Friends ] Who is your best girl friend?: April*~! Do you get along with people easily?: maybe.. Who have you known the longest?: hmm..Randy or Jaykob Who do you dislike the most?: hmm I don't even care enough to hate anymore, what's the point? I just ignore those I don't care for. Craziest: Jaykob Loudest: Chris Funniest: RANDY!!! HAHAHAHAH Quietest: me and April Sweetest: Randy most caring: my baby and April Most understanding: same as above Best dressed: i don't care Ever taken anything from a hotel?: um no? Did you talk to your crush/bf/gf today?:not yet actually 1. Name you prefer to be called? sweetcheeks..jk haha...um..Ashley 2. Have you ever thought a different zodiac sign would be better suited to your personality? haha no. 3. What’s a strange word that’s been used to describe you? uh?.. 4. Where were you when you first learned about the 9-11 attacks? sleeping my life away haha (I just so happened to take the day off from school that day, as if that were unusual for me..lol 5. Would you rather have a photographic memory or mental telepathy? well both can be really bad in certain situations 6. Have you ever been afraid you’d see something horrible when you looked in the mirror? every time 7. How do you perform under pressure? depends 8. Do you have more love in your heart or ideas in your head? love in my heart 9. What’s one thing about yourself you just don’t understand? everything. 10. What‘s the most difficult thing about being you? me being a bitch and being sometimes too sensitive 11. What’s one of the most interesting screen names you’ve ever seen? uh i dont know 12. What would title would you give your life story? nothing the media devoting entirely too much press coverage to celebrities? uhhh...what? media sucks anyway 14. What first comes to mind when you hear the words, "Touch me"? Randy 15. Have you ever played the air guitar or headbanged?yes 16. Are you more intimidating or approachable? both, depending on who you are 17. Is it possible to be both creative and logical? yes. 18. Considering the sudden upsurge in teen-oriented movies, what’s something the creators just can’t get right? Sadly, most everything they show is really how the majority of teens are today, which is kind of scary, in my perspective. u rather see--the minimum drinking age lowered to 18 or the legalization of certain recreational drugs? drugs..fuck drinking :-x 20. Do you focus more on the past, present, or future? future but especially the past..yuck..i heart the future..haha <3 [ hold me]

Update.. [18 Feb 2003|08:04pm] [ music | Sugar Coma- Bed Of Dolls ] Well, just another day. Boring, so routine. I feel pretty distant from everyone at school lately, like I stand next to them all but I'm not really there with them, I am in my own world. I guess I am just still dreaming of Randy, wishing I were older already. I want to grow up and leave so bad. I feel like being here is such a waste of time in my life, you know? Randy has just been chilling, working out..I have NEVER really been one to be attracted to..well.."muscular" types. Everyone older than me always said "WHen you get older you will start to be attracted to that", but I don't think I ever truly will be. I can deal with it, it's not TOO bad, but call me weird but I just can't stand when guys have a six pack..that is probably THE most unattractive thing a guy can have to alter his appearance (I'm not even exadgerrating, I really just don't like it n all honesty)..I don't mind the rest too much though..it just grosses me out.. I've just always sort of liked the kind of medium to skinny, laid back skater types...I reallyyyy hope Randy doesn't work his abs, I like the natural look..anyway now that I've said that haha..I've been listening to a lot of new music lately..well, not new, but new to me. I am really starting to take an interest in skating, I really am determined to start skating and also get really good at it, I know it will be way harder than it looks but that doesn't deter me that much. It was weird, today Randy and I went to CCS.com to build a custom board for me and I did the same as he did it, and we picked out the EXACT same everything..!! It was soo crazy! Great minds think alike! I can't wait to start skating. I have been wearing Randy's skate shirts lately and stuff so that has been cool. All my friends are ditching tomorrow and going to Flagstaff or Casa Grande..I kinda want to go but more o f me doesn't want to go. I just sometimes feel bad because I only have a year and a half left to truly be...young, with no real worries..(well almost) and Ihear Randy's stories of him being my age quite often and it sounds like he had so many fun times and did so much things to stay busy and just had a really great time, so sometimes I feel like I am missing out on something, in my last days of being able to be truly young. I look at my friends sometimes and a lot of things they do seem really stupid to me, but I sometimes wish I didn't care and I could be doing stupid things with them...but I just can't. I have a huge conscience and I have a lot to lose, and I don't really think any of them feel like they have anything to lose like I do, so they just let go and do whatever. I don't know. Hmm..Well, yeah, just another day. Tomorrow will surely suck because EVERYONE will be ditching but me..and probably like Stephan and Jaykob. Jaykob never talks to any of his friends anymore..I'm sorry to say this, but Jaykob has kind of sold all his friends out..he never has time for any of them anymore, I hate to say it but man it's the truth. I don't think I have even said more than 2 words to him in about 2 weeks, and I know it's been very similar for the rest of us too. Whatever, you know. People in this world come and go, especially in high school. Just something to be expected. High school is all just one big phase..it's supposed to be a really fun time, and to some, it really is..but I'm not one of those people. I am way too far ahead in my mind to be just now going through high school. I feel like I should have graduated already, and I remember feeling like I should be in high school already back whne I was in elemetary school. hehe. I miss Randy soo much. I can't stop talking to him..I cried once yesterday, I gave in, because I went to sleep without him holding me, It kind of sucked but I got used to it again already. I hope he doesn't get deployed. I love him soo much. Well, I want to skate right now. Oh well, Laters. [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

This weekend, Continued. [17 Feb 2003|02:10pm] [ mood | lonely ] (log in to read the entry before this...Randy..hehe) Well, it's now Monday..which serves as a smack in the face, just how fast time really flies by. This weekend was...well..perfect. I had a GREAT time and I know Randy did too. Anyway, like I said, on Saturday we just chilled and stuff, watched South Park, when we were at his house, we went through a LOT of his old clothes and he gave me like ALL his skate shirts..yay! I want to start skating, seriously. Randy said he would teach me..and after my last post, I went to wake Randy up and he got a little irritable in his sleep but then we ended up walking to his house at about 11:00. We crossed the huge intersection of the 101 illegally, we ran straight through the middle of it really fast! Then we walked through the back of the park next to his house, and I realized how much graffiti and tagging there is on that side of the freeway wall! Lots. We walked near the tunnels behind the park and then we ran into the fact that they have fenced the part of the park we needed to get to off...so Randy helped me climb the fence, but consequently enough I felt like I had squished my intestines, ha! But I was fine after that. We got to Randy's house and no one was home, Mom and Pat were at Pool tournaments, as usual. hehe. We watched "That's My Bush", a series of episodes of a show by the creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker. It must have been on ALL night! Randy and I cuddled and gave more massges, I did a couple really big rails and got really high. My eyes get all narrowed when I am high and I feel sort of numb, and the smile never leaves my face for a second. Randy didn't get high though, he can't. He wanted to though. Anyway, he passed out around 2:00 and I wasn't ready to sleep so I just chatted online with whoever was on at the time -there are really some dumb people out there. Later that night, I think I fucked that comp up somehow cause we couldn't get it to work for the rest of the time he was home :-x Anyway, then we went to bed. Sunday I woke up to Randy again, at about 9 o'clock. I was really tired so I slept for another hour while he made us pancakes for breakfast..mmm. We watched tv and cuddled for a long time, and then Mom took us to my house to grab some movies, dinner and some of his things, and then she took us over to see Nana. We weren't there for long but Randy was getting really irritable with Mom because it wasn't what he had in mind for the last day of being home! I would have to agree with him that it wasn't very cool of Mom to put Randy to work when he paid money to come home, it's not like he lives here anymore, let him relax, it's his vacation, I was getting kind of annoyed too. We got back home and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, for lack of anything better to watch, and some of Little Nemo! After Mom and Pat left, we made dinner (Tortellini) and watched Mr. Bean, the Christmas episode :) I saw a bunch of photo albums on the shelf in the computer room, so you know me, I brough all of them down and we looked through all of them. I still believe he was the cutest baby there ever was! I found a picture of him when he was about 15, he was a skater and he had a pretty long blonde bowl cut. He looked extremely sexy!!!! OMG. Then I got high and we watched a home video of his camping trip to Colorado with his family in 1997. He looked soo cute and innocent..aww! hehe. Sometimes when I see things from his past like that, I am taken aback and I am like..WOW, I have him. That is the same person..and I have dreamed of him since I was a prepubescent little girl, and now I have his heart. It's the same person as all those years ago..My Randy..and I sit in amazement and can't take my hands and eyes off him. I said that to me, it feels like how it would feel to most people to have a crush on the hottest celebrity for years and then finally get to be with him..and that is how it feels to me. And he joked and wrote me an autograph- cute.lol. He passed out soon-thereafter and of course, I was still not ready to sleep so I tried waking him up - lots of times. He must have been really tired because he was turning away from my kisses and he usually never does that in his sleep. So I left him alone and I fell asleep in his arms. I slept really good. We woke up at 7:30 this morning and said our goodbyes. His dad was picking him up at 8:00 to take him out to breakfast, and then to the airport. I could feel a sort of sadness already overcoming me..I didn't want it to end. We held each other, kissed and said goodbye. And that was it...And now all that is left is his scent, his trace, and memories. I hate that feeling. I stayed at his house a few hours after he left and we back to sleep til almost 1 o'clock. I slept really well. Then I asked Mom if she could bring me home but her back was really hurting so Pat brought me home. It was so weird to once again be at his house without him, it feels so...empty and alone. It makes me emotional, but luckily I haven't cried. I am too used to this lifestyle to cry now. I think that's good though, don't you? It's just so weird, the feeling that he was just here, but yet he's gone..so close but so far, that kind of feeling, you know? The trace of something that isn't quite there anymore. God I miss him like crazy already. I missed him before he even walked out the door this morning. I told him that too. I miss his arms around me, really bad. I miss his smile, his kisses, his laugh, even the way he plays with Alex and Desi. Well, til next time.. :) I'm in love all over again [ hold me]

YAY! [14 Feb 2003|09:31am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Snake River Conspiracy - The LoveSong ] FUCK YES I AM SO EXCITED! Randy is right now getting on the plane to PHX - He is coming home for the weekend! YAYAYAYAY! He gets in at about 2:00. I stayed home from school today hehe.The reason I have been being such a bitch and sooo moody lately is because I had extreme* pms..but no worry now! I had weird dreams last night. I just know this weekend is going to be tits. I just know...It's Valentines Day too! HAPPY VDAY! :D I am listening to a song that brings back a lot of memories for me, from the first week Randy and I were together..I love it. God I can't wait. I just am trying to kill time til he gets here! Well, late for now :) WEEE! [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

[06 Feb 2003|07:26pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | whatever is playing on DI...(not very good track) ] everything is back to normal now for the most part and things are beautiful in their own way, as always. I slept pretty much through every class today, i wasn't really wanting to be awake so...but yeah I missed Randy and tried calling him at lunch time but he wasn't there..We are both looking extremely forward to his coming home, I can't wait! He said something *really* good today -giggles- so yeah I just wanted to post and say all is well and whatnot...and that I am excited! It will be great! Well, late :) Love ya baybe...to pieces! :) Mom's bringing home Jason's deli tonight..SQUEE! So excited mmmm hehe. [ hold me]

[05 Feb 2003|08:59pm] log in to read more...friends only entry.... [ hold me]

Pleased as Punch [03 Feb 2003|06:31pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Underneath the Stars ] Today has been fucking EXCELLENT! It has been "tits"! YAY. Everything is going right and I'm on top of the world. Randy had a great day too which makes me very happy! School was average,smooth sailing (except for Lopez's class, got kicked out twice, HA! and also found out my favorite teacher has breast cancer..very sad) anyway though, I found out Randy is coming home for Valentines Day after all! He already bought the ticket and we are both sooo excited! Things are turning out great...! He is staying til the 17th :) April, Randy and I are going to be hanging out sometime during then and have LOTS of fun (in various ways..-giggles-..) I can't wait! We have some top secret shit goin down then too, which is much to my pleasure! shh..anyway. I am soo in love. I know I must say this and go on many a tangents in every entry regarding this, but you have no idea how profoundly it runs for me. This is the deepest and purest, most intense feeling to have ever hit me right in the heart and I relish in it! It is somewhat the center of my universe, and the reason behind every smile..and I say that not only admittedly, but also, proudly! Young love...nothing better. I'd rather have this than anything else, I'd give up all the money, material things and false senses of happiness, cheap highs and thrills, all for this love. Pricless, beyond words. I can feel the butterflies flutter in my tummy as we speak, and I am floating on cloud nine in happiness and dreams that are actually, amazingly, my very own reality. Who ever knew reality could be so beautiful? I actually could embrace being a realist at this point in my life, but I wouldn't quite because I am a dreamer at heart, we all know this. I truly believe that is the best way to be..and even though I feel I have grown a lot in all the right ways, I also know that a part of me will always stay young and free. It's great to have both qualities in one, balance is the key to happiness sometimes. I am going to be in heaven, here is to the best Valentines Day I will ever have, all thanks to you, my love <3 and here are lyrics that describe how i feel(by an artist i don't like, with the one exception being this song): "Underneath The Stars" One summer night We ran away for a while Laughing, we hurried beneath the sky To an obscure place to hide That no one could find And we drifted to another state of mind And imagined I was yours and you were mine As we lay upon the grass there in the dark Underneath the stars Young love Underneath the stars Weak in the knees Wrapped in the warm gentle breeze So shy A bundle of butterflies Flushed with the heat of desire On a natural high As we drifted to another place in time And the feeling was so heady and sublime As I lost my heart to you there in the dark Underneath the stars Young love Beautiful and bittersweetly You were fading into me And I was gently fading into you But the time went sailing by Reluctantly we said good-bye And left our secret place so far behind And I lay in bed all night and I was Drifting drifting drifting drifting And I was yours And you were my own My own baby As we lay As we... Lay underneath the stars [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

Hi [02 Feb 2003|06:42pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Avril - Things I'll Never Say ] Hey..This weekend has been good, especially today! It started to be pretty boring, but then, when Randy got off alert and we started talking, we had a very good conversation..all day long! We talked a LOT about getting married and we are thinking August 8th, 2004...but nothing for sure..we want it on a Hawaiin island and then take a cruise somewhere for the honeymoon. He really wants to marry me, just as much as I want to marry him! I am so happy, and also enthralled, at the fact that someone actually wants to marry me, and furthermore, we are not talking about just anyone, but the one I've dreamed about all my life! My true love. I have chilled at home by myself all weekend (all by choice)and just talked to my baby. Anyway, not much is new here, Randy might be coming home for Valentines Day weekend, which would make it the best Valentines Day I've ever had by far, but don't want to get my hope up! Overall, things are going good, but it's not like they haven't been in the first place! Sometimes I look at parts of my life and think that they are quite..Ideal. (Especially lately)..I am getting pretty much everything I want out of life.. I am very fortunate in many ways and I am realizing and appreciating that more and more each day (as you may have noticed) I am fortunate to just realize that I have it good, because everyone else I know tends to take everything they have in life for granted. . I have the love of my life, and ultimately, that is all that is important to me, because he completes me. We are made for each other! I believe that very few people in this world find love like we have, many can't find it, or merely brush the surface (that is what I believe a lot of "relationships" to be, and especially for others that are my age and MOST -but not all- in high school relationships, I sincerely believe MOST of them really have nothing more than a crush and still have a long way til finding true love, but I have been more fortunate in the latter), few come close but even fewer find what Randy and I have found...what we have found in each other. I know they are out there, I have seen it, I just believe veryfew have seen or experienced it and most people go their whole lives without experiencing so profound..but to those who have found the same as i, know what I am talking about and they know they are lucky too! :) but yes, I found happiness in life!@ hehe but you all know this already anyway..Randy has a journal, so check it out if you like... Randy's Journal feel free to comment or add as friend or whatever :P (and for those of you who don't like me, Randy, etc. for whatever reason, I have banned anonymous posting -so don't waste your time- because I am one step ahead of you :) BYE now, love you Randyyyyyy <3 [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

[30 Jan 2003|06:43pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Watergate - Heart Of Asia (Q-bic mix) ] -Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla talking to Randy..i'm just chill..i have to be like the most laid back person i know as of late..everyone (with the exception of Randy and myself) is all freakin out over different shit for no reason, everyone "wants to die" etc. etc. and for once I am genuinely happy and at peace with myself. Tables have really turned since last year,huh? hehe. Ihave all my shit straightened out and there is VERY little (if any at all) conflict in my life and everything seems to be going in my general direction, i must be doing *something* right. I don't know why everyone is all stressin and being a mess,just chill have fun and let go, life is what you make it and life is good :D [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

drivel, rambling and other nonsense. . [28 Jan 2003|07:52pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Bush speech shit ] I am watching this presidential speech...I am so scared for what is going to happen and actually what already is happening in this world today..Its so sad that the world has to come to things like this, things like war.War solves NOTHING, all it does is kill people and then..there is still going to be the initial disagreement that started the whole thing. Make love not war! But at the same time,I just wish it didn't have to be that way.I am so scared for not only just Randy, but for everyone in the military because anything can happen.I know and have much confidence that we will win because America is the strongest, best and most powerful country there is, but that still doesn't make war alright and there will still be so much death. It almost makes me sick. I hate hearing all this shit on Tv, it makes me worry yet it is inescapable...I hate for even ONE of our American soldiers to die because they are INNOCENT..and also because, having a soldier of my own, I know how their families and spouses feel and I wouldn't wish even one family to have to grieve over that. I just wish we could all sit around a campfire and sing that one song...I wish there was a sense of world peace, but sadly enough, no matter what,that will NEVER happen - and maybe so, but it doesn't mean we have to be at war either! People dying does no one any good! Just destroy the maker and the weapons (in this case, being Saddam and his weapons in all forms)..but it makes you wonder, if there IS a God after all, why does he make our people fight like they do? I feel we are all going to war. I feel right now would be a great time to just be a second generation Hippie, pacifist or not! Refuge! heheee I do realize that we have no choice but to go to war because if we don't take them, they will take us. What has to be done, has to be done, I guess it's all about natural selection. [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

hmm [27 Jan 2003|08:43pm] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Pulsedriver Vs. Pitraxx - YOur spirit is shining..yes again! ] Today I didn't go to school because I have a cold. Some of my friends (Jaykob, Franko and Chris) are all suspended due to ALLEGED "GANG ACTIVITY" so I went over there, watched some movies like GI Jane, Bourne Identity and some of Jaykob's Greatful Dead video. Then I went home and took it easy. Still haven't smoked since Randy and I talked about it, going strong!! WOOOHOO. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot, especially the past couple hours, and I realize that I am truly blessed. It's not even luck, it's so much more, it's being actually blessed. I started thinking a little too much about little things tonight (such as little celebrity crushes or whatnot) and it kinda got to me and then I took a look around and thought to myself in retrospect all the fucked up things that happen to people over time and I realize that I have no reason to "sweat the small stuff", as they say. I mean I could have it so much worse. I am so very fortunate Randy has been EVER faithful to me and totally been there for me through thick and thin, and that our love for each othe has definitely proven to be unconditional, he never gave up on me when everyone else did, and that I finally have found some friends again and hopefully that will still go over strong and good. I am thinking about a current situation two of my friends are going through right now (actually it's more like a "love triangle" with 3 of my friends..I hope everything for them turns out ok, I never said anything to anyone because I want to stay out of all that) and I feel bad for all 3 of them, but I am glad I am not in their positions, and for that I am purely lucky..that I am not experiencing the same hardships as those around me, that I am surpassing those dilemmas. I can't imagine how heart wrenching it would be to me if I was in their position, especially my old friend's, say if it were me and Randy. I know I would be inconsolably HEART broken. I just can't stress enough how good I have it and how lucky I have made it, how lucky I am to have found such love that I have and have managed to keep it strong and going even through the distance! We are soo lucky, I am just amazed. That must be fate on our side? I hope it lasts forever! I will just look back on all this whenever I start to sweat the small stuff. I am blessed :) Randy, what we have is beautiful! I love you forever and I can't wait to get married to you baby :D [ hold me]

good shit :) [26 Jan 2003|09:38pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] [ music | Pulsedriver Vs Pitraxx - Your Spirit Is Shining :) ]     Well, I finally got my ring back from sizing a couple days ago and I LOVE IT! I took a picture, the quality isn't very good but you'll get the idea. Randy has been really sweet lately (as though he isn't always anyway!) and he gets his phone line back on Wed., yay! He talked tonight about getting married, he said he wants to as soon as I turn 18!! We kinda want to do it on our anniversary (March 8th) but my bday is in July so we would have to wait a whole more year but anyway, we are getting married! YAY!. I am so glad he wants to cause I do too. Anyway, I have a cold and it sucks but it's all good cause everything is going good in my general direction, which is very nice. I am soo tired,I miss Randy soo much! He is coming home for Spring Break in a month or two for a couple weeks! Hopefully it will be in time for our anniversary! If not, we will just have to celebrate as soon as he gets back.. I was thinking, How ideal would it be if Jaykob, Jackie, Randy and I all went out to dinner and did something nice together for our anniversary..because it's their anniversary too! It would be just like back in the day..the best times of my life. I miss those days so muchhh -love sigh-..well, I am gonna go, bye now! xoxoxox [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

[26 Jan 2003|11:53am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Pulsedriver Vs. Pittraxx - Your spirit is shining ] Last night was fun! Bones (the dumbass kid that hits on everyone) has a lot of money and just gives it away to my friends, so last night we bought a hotel room, lots of alcohol and some shitty over the counter pills that everyone was trippin out on (but I was the one and ONLY one who was 100% sober that night, go me!) I was kinda watching out for everyone. People who were there: Jaykob, Me, Matt (Chris's brother), Chris, Franko, April, Cody and Jimmy (some freshman that we picked on) and I think that was it. Joey stopped by later that night too. Jimmy puked ALL over himself in the corner for hours! SInce I was the only sober one, I was sitting there taking care of him most of the time, giving him water and keeping him conscious. I didn't mind being sober at all, it actually kind of felt nice because I was totally in control of whatever was happening around me. Something VERY interesting happened that night..hehehe. (Randy thought that part was funny when I told him) but shh.. Fun times. You wouldn't believe what we did to get there.. Chris payed Joey $20 to drive us to the hotel and about 5 people were in the backseat, me and april in the front seat and Jaykob was in the trunk! And the car was so weight down it was almost bottoming out but didn't, we knew it would be fine..I haven't smoked since Randy and Italked about it and I feel good about that, I don't even really want to. Joey drove April and I home and we just passed out. Bones is stupid, but he pays them to hang out with him so it's all good! All yesterday I was chilling to Nirvana Unplugged and thinking about Randy..I missed him so much and I wished he was there the whole time..he is my baby and I am soo in love! I love hangin with April, she is like my best friend now, we are a lot closer than we ever were before. :) I am so amazed everyday when I go to school that I have *friends*, I had forgotten just what that felt like..it had been so long. I don't dread going to school anymore, I like lunch time. We all just chill in our little area, I mostly stick by Kob and April, but I know everyone. I am probably the only one that was there last night that remembers everything, because everyone was taking those dumb pills and drinking (stupid, I don't like doing either, I'm a good girl, can you BELIEVE it?!) But I am not going to be going to the hotels anymore because Randy and I talked about it and I totally understand and respect his feelings, he does the same for me. Everything in life is going pretty good for once, I just need Randy home and everything will be *perfect*. :) Also, if you want a probably better recap of the weekend, I suggest checking out April's journal as well :o) late [ hold me]

Ahhh Nirvana [22 Jan 2003|09:03pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | Nirvana, of course. ] It never seems to leave my mind, the Euphoria I feel all over again as I listen to Nirvana...as though various Nirvana songs have played in the background this whole time, for so many years in my life. I grew up with Nirvana, just as all my friends have..We are "the Nirvana generation", and I love it. I listen to any of their songs and it just takes me back in time, to some of my childhood and a whole lot of the best days of my life. I have so many peaceful thoughts overcome me when I hear Kurt's voice, the grungy bass and the pounding drums all droning eloquently in the background. Sometimes it takes me back to what feels like so long ago and I get lost in it. It's very strange but I love every minute of it. Listening to them takes me back to my childhood, hearing Nirvana on MTV, growing up with Krystal in the old ghetto house and of the times with her sister Erin, and our first discoveries with and of pot. Over the next few years in my life, It faded out and then in 2002, the best days of my entire life, I am taken aback to those priceless times and endless nights with the sound of listening to Kurt sing. Those days when Randy and I first were together, and as were Jaykob and Jackie..and let me tell you, those were really the good times; the best times of our lives, as you could say. I know all 4 of us really felt something, and when we all would sit in a room together it was amazing how much power and energy there was sitting in that very room. It was somewhat amazing, and captivating. Anyway, listening to rare Nirvana takes me back to a time when life was carefree, and we were so young. Young in the mind and spirit, young at heart even. I still feel butterflies fluttering inside my tummy just thinking about how great those times were. They are something I know Randy and I will both relish in forever. It is like a sanctuary held within a time capsule.Whenever I hear Nirvana, it is equivalent to very happy times and happiness in general, even maybe what happiness means. Though it wasn't that long of time really and though times are still good and many more to come, I wouldn't have been the same person without those times. Would you? [ 3 snuggles <3 hold me]

It's that time again. . [21 Jan 2003|09:05pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Avril - I ] Yes, It's that time again..dealing with the anxieties of Randy leaving all over again, in other words, going through Randy withdrawls. It's hard when you finally get used to him being home, he has to leave again. Granted it's hard, but he is well worth anything. Today I went to Jaykob's and hung out for a while, picked up the stuff Randy left over there (a pair of BDU's, a cd player with NIN's "The Downward Spiral" in it, a berret and and his beloved Osiris beanie. Jaykob wanted to keep all of it but I said no way. It was quite sad today, how much I missed him, because I layed in the spot in the bed that he once slept, i walked down the same part of the street he last walked and I retraced his footprints in the desert on the way to Kob's house. I feel so alone in this place without him sometimes, like I'm supposed to go back with him, I duno. I just basically never want to have to leave his side, I know he feels the same. Most nothing feels right without him, you know? Have you ever felt like that? I told Randy bout all that and he sort of smiled and said "you know I'd be doing the same thing if i were there, because I love you that much"..he told me he only got a Company Article 15 (which is 14 days of Extra Duty, which I know is pure hell!) but he is going to get out on medical discharge, so I hope that works out, but he promised me he would be getting out someway or another, and I hope he really can. Funny thing is, if he would have been here one more day, he would have a felony! So I guess he HAD to go back. I've been thinking and dreaming about him all day like crazy, looking at the new pics I just got back today (wish you could see them)...I get my ring back tomorrow, I'm excited about that! Anyway, I'm gonna go...late. [ hold me]

[21 Jan 2003|12:42pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Avril Lavigne - I'm with you ;x ] Well, A lot has happened and now I can say what happened, for the most part. Randy just left Phoenix at 10:00 am this morning..Yes, he was here. On Thursday I rode Jaykob's bus home, and as I walked down the long, long street, I saw Randy at the other end of the street in the distance. It felt just like old times, before he ever went to the army..my heart skipped a beat and I ran all the way to him, pants and backpack both falling off me as I ran but I didn't even care! I ran straight into his arms, he swept me off my feet and kissed me. Oh how it felt to be together again! As though a small trace of heaven had flown and landed to earth and into the world of ours. And well, Randy had gone AWOL. Why? It's a rather long story. but he did. We hung out at Jaykob's and he called his parents and finally told them he can't be n the army anymore, that he is going to get out, someway or another. His dad fully supports him gettng out, and his mom would much rather him stay but at this point he just doesn't care. We hung out and we did a little offroading in the big beautiful desert and hid Randy's car, for fear of the police or someone else identifying it. (it's pretty easily identified because it's kind of older) Long story short, we had an excellent time. We had a couple little fights because I didn't want him to smoke but we compromised and everything turned out good :) Being at Jaykob's with Randy again was fucking great. Everyone was always over there and I know we both had a lot of fun...and a rather large number of "bathroom adventures" :X (those of you who know me offline, know what I am talking about!) It was so great, him being here on AWOL because it was an exhilirating sense of risk (and oh how you know I have much missed that feeling) and for once, I felt like we were free together. I felt like he was out of the army and we were free..without a care. We were free souls again. He kept saying how much he loves this place,and how he can't wait to be a civilian again, and neither can i! I know it will take a while, but I am willing to wait because it is so worth it. On Saturday we went to Desert Ridge, saw Beau atwork and said Hi, and went to see "The Hours" which, only 10 minutes into it, was evident that it SUCKED! I mean it's a Meryl Streep movie, that right there says it all. lol. SO we snuck into the middle of Catch Me If You Can, and finally saw the latter half of the movie, which was really good. Then we went to Bahama Breeze for dinner. It was really good, and while we were waiting on the patio, we talked of marriage and life from that point on. I told him how I wished we could just drop everything and run away to the beach. Then we decided we are gonna get married in Hawaii on a beach, much like that of COurtney Love and Kurt Cobain.then for our honeymoon, we are gonna go on a cruise. I can't wait for those days. We will be so free! I already have a job lined up for him when he gets discharged. The next morning we went out for a nice breakfast with my parents, rented a few movies (giggles at one of them lol) and spent most of the rest of the time he was here, in my bed, cuddling and watching movies. Ah how wonderful. I feel so complete when he holds me, I love the feeling that I could fall at any given time, and I know without a twinkle of doubt that he would be right there to catch me. We looked at the stars together while walking to my house from Jaykob's quite often..Beautiful. Yesterday, (the last day), we watched movies, then an old friend of mine came over to hang out for a while. Later after she left, we went to Jaykob's, and got drunk and high. Man was it fun!! I took a whole role of film in about 2 hours, they are great. Randy and I ran around in Jaykob's backyard and such,and after getting high, we layed in "our room" in the bed and we told each other how much we love each other. I told him how he is my everything, how the rest of the world sees his flaws but I am so blinded by our exsquisite love that I see no flaws, I said through my eyes, he is flawless...and he is. so Yeah it ws great and I took off school to spend a couple extra hours wth him and then he was gone, he is soo great aww, i miss him so much already. Sometimes I feel like our love is so perfect we are in a movie. hehe..well, i'll write more later. Love <3 [ hold me]

[15 Jan 2003|05:28pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Ayla - Kosmonova ] Well, I guess shit has really hit the fan. My relationship with Randy is fine as can be, but right now a lot is going on with Randy himself. A WHOLE lot is going on in his life right now. I have to help him all I can but it is going to be hard, with lots of twists and turns and of course the fear of the great unknown and unexpected, all of which will be happening within the next few weeks. It's really hard to say what will happen from here on out, I just hope everything really works out for the best. Forgive me for being vague, but right now is just not the time to say what is going on at this time. A lot of shit happened and only about 1 or 2 other people aside from myself and Randy know what is going on (none go to my school by the way) , and we have to keep it that way. WOW so much unexpected shit has happen in a short amount of time and it can make your head spin if you dare to blink. We are both in a rather difficult situation..so what happens now? We'll just have to wait and see. [ hold me]

another post. . [14 Jan 2003|08:41pm] [ mood | moody ] [ music | Alone I Break - Korn ;x ] Hi. I feel like shit for smoking. I feel like shit for a few reasons, I feel so bad for Randy. He is going through so much and he tries so hard but as he would put it, it always comes back and slaps him in the face and I just feel soo bad for him, and then I go and smoke which is something he definitely didn't need so I just added to his already bad day and he is just going through so much shit he totally doesn't deserver, he is just such a good person he deserves to not be stressed. He really, REALLY wants out right now. He can't get away from his stress and it's almost all because of the Army. He just really needs to get out of there, it's not good for him to be there. He has considered quite desperate measures to get out if it must come to that. I worry for him so much, he gets soo depressed and I don't know what to do. I know I am the only person and thing that can make him happy anymore so I really can't fuck up and I know he is just havin a real hard time being away from me when he has so much stress. To him, I am the only thing that can make that go away, and I am the same way with him. he has ANOTHER appointment tomorrow at mental health so..blah. He so doesn't deserve all ths and it just makes me feel like such a piece of shit that I am his one source of happiness and I did something to make him feel even worse, you have no idea just how bad I feel for that, I broke down on the phone a little while ago because I felt so bad for making him upset and for me worrying about him, I just hope he is not impulsive and does something stupid, but I know him very well and it would be pretty out of his character for nim to do something like that. But stress can get in the way! I just hope he feels better and I am going to be as good as I can and contribute as much as I have to offer to him being away from him and try to help him through this. He needs me right now. I need to quit fucking around by smoking pot and shit and be good and not do that shit. I only want to do what makes him happy! I can't wait to get my ring back from getting sized on the 22nd! YAY! I am excited. I will take pics and post. :) I hope things get better for my Ran because he deserves better from life than this. I have been more emotional tonight than usual but it will pass. I just want to run away to be at Randy's side to help himm feel better, or I wish he could run away here without getting in trouble. It would be so nice for the 2 of us to just run away, get away from everyone and everything and just be away with each other alone from the real world for a while. like I wouldnt mind getting stuck on a deserted island with him for a couple days right now. That would be suprisingly pleasant. God I miss him so much, my heart yearns and aches to hold him, I love him sooooooo much. GAHH I want to hold him and tell him everything will all be ok. :/ Anyway, tomorrow will probably be better. In the mean time, here are some pics...these will cheer me up! they were taken while I was in Killeen :) [ hold me]

[14 Jan 2003|05:20pm] [ mood | hungry ] I sort of have this feeling that I should stop smoking. Lol I know that was to the point... but anyway, yeah I am gonna quit smoking because I just feel that is what I should do. Sure it's fun but I don't know, I don't want to get stupid or anything or do bad in school and whatnot..but mostly the reason I feel this way is because since Randy quit, I should too. He changes his mind on it every so often but I don't think he likes it and it's not like it's all that great. and he quit something for me that I didn't like so I will do the same. It's all for the better because I don't want to be a pothead, its fun once in a while but I just think it would be better to NOT be one :) anyway, just got home from Jaykob's, chillin, messing with my comp and trying to restore everything. Randy said he went to get xrays and shit and maybe he can get out on medical, it would be the best way to get out and it wouldn't look as bad on your record - a much better route than smoking pot to get kicked out because it will just make things harder - another reason i am stopping is also because I don't want to get in trouble now that I am finally on my mom's good side and doing better! I'd hate to regress~! well Ran, I miss yew! <3 luvs <333333333 [ hold me]

~ [13 Jan 2003|09:33pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | Best Sunday Dress - Hole ] Sorry it has been a while! My comp was "down" for a few days but I'm back now. A few things have happened since I last wrote, predominantly having to do with Randy. He had an incident with his friends and a knife on I think it was Friday night. NOT good. He was very upset and broke down, and then packed ALL his stuff and tried to go AWOL but his friends took his car keys cause he had been drinking. Then I talked to him the next morning which is whne he told me the whole episode and whatnot, and he still had his stuff packed and he was still really wanting to go AWOL. He even started to, but then he went to the ATM and had no money so he couldn't leave. He really hates that place, it realls gets him down, he's just not totally the same when he is there but of course I love him the same regardless! Anyway, he still does want to leave the Army, but we all know going AWOL probably isn't the best way to go about it. He went to Mental Health today for an appointment which is tomorrow morning and he is going under the chapter "Failure to Adapt", his company commander said that she is not doing chapters anymore but that he could get a court martial which would include a felony in the civilian world, and she also added that anything other than honorable discharge gets you out in 10 days but we all know that is a crock of shit..but he said if that were actually true, he'd be totally willing to get a felon if it meant he could be out in 10 days! Well, we'll just have to see what happens. I hate to even know this stuff sometimes only because it tends to get my hopes up - he usually changes his mind and stays, and even if he really does try to go through with it, they don't let him. It sucks but I can deal with anything to still be with him! It's all worth it to me. He seriously has like bipolar or something, which I know an extensive amount on because I used to have the same thing, but I don't think I would be considered as such anymore, but I used to be, quite badly actually. Those of you who have known me for years know what I am talking about. But it wasn't so much hard to have to deal with it myself, it was hard to deal with other's reactions to it, because people never understood my ups and downs and never accepted it and just got annoyed and became distant....until much later when I changed anyway. But I'd never do that to Randy, become distant from him just because he is moody, I totally understand and even if I had never been through the same myself, I would still accept that part of him because I love him in everyway! He is moving into a new room tomorrow with a much better influence of a friend (sober, not an alcoholic pothead sleaze dirty fuck like the rest that have been encountered thus far! those of whom I don't trust at all and use pretty bad judgement and are amongst what could be considered "failures"!) hehehe. So even if he can't get discharged,things will at least improve. On another note, I had a very fun weekend with April and Jaykob! We got high and clam baked my room with a few people and April and Jaykob got REALLY trashed on Saturday night. I mean REALLLY trashed. Did I mention REALLY?! They both horked numerous times and letme tell you, it was very funny, being the sober one, to watch them and see them be so silly and make no actual sense! April grabbed Jaykob's..... a few times :x lolol she was so fucking shitfaced. We kept grabbing each other's tits like 3235234 times that night ha. SQUEEZE! hehe We watched Jackass and guess what? Daniel came over and guess who he had with him!! You'll never guess...Michael. In fact,I don't believe anyone reading this journal is old skool enough with Jaykob to even know who Michael is besides Randy and I! But anyway, yeah, he came over and wow what a trip that was to see him again, even for a few minutes. I haven't seen him in a good few years and I know Ran hasn't either. It was totally unexpected to say the least. Anyway, I am sooo freaking happy to be back on my puter! WOO! So I'll be keeping up to date now, and I made a journal for Randy the other day and he is actually using it which makes me glad wee :) I might announce it in a later entry, if it is ok with him. Late! :) [ 4 snuggles <3 hold me]

survey says... :) [06 Jan 2003|03:26pm] 1. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? couldn't ask for more!! 2. What is his/her name? Randy J. 3. How did you meet? his sister and I were close friends when I was a lot younger and I kinda fell from him way back then and we came across each other at a mutual friend's house a couple years later. 4. When did you meet? Well, I've known him since I was about 12 but we weren't official til about a year ago. 5. Do you remember what you were wearing when you first met? I was wearing my shiny black bubblegum pants and a pink victorian looking shirt :D 6. Do you remember what he/she was wearing when you first met? his favorite grey skate shirt, cargo pants and skate shoes..cuteeee :o) 7. Do you remember a song that was popular at the time you first met? neither of us listen to the radio, but we listened to a LOT of Nine Inch Nails back then..like almost constantly "I love you" by CosmicMan (it's trance) and our first song was "Oh Me" by Nirvana...so many good memories to that song....-love sigh- 9. Do you have a special movie? no not really but I would say Crazy/Beautiful if it was up to me :) 10. What is the age gap between both of you? he is about 3 years older 11. Do you like being older/younger? I would much<\b> rather be the same age for so many reasons..but we do fine either way 12. Do you know his/her birthdate? June 11th, 1983 13. Do you know where he/she was born? Phoenix, Az 14. Is he/she a star sign that are you compatible with? I don't know, we are both said to be mood as far as our signs go so we sort of understand each other hehe 15. Do they snore? barely, not usually no. 16. Do they hog the bed? sometimes but we are always snuggling :) 17. Do you have similar interests? yes and we agree and look at things the same a lot of times too 18. Do you have similar tastes in music? extremely similar music tastes! 19. Do you have kids? nope but we will sometime! 20. Do you know what he/she is doing now? on extra duty :/ 21. When did you last have a fight? about 2 months ago.. 22. When did you last kiss? last saturday night 23. When did you last hug? same 24. What color are his/her eyes? extremely beautiful, bright baby blue eyes (SQUEE!) 25. What color is his/her hair? he says brown but *I* say it's a dark blonde/very light brown - and guess what? I'M right! :x 26. What do you think his/her best asset is, physically? his eyes and smile..! 27. Do you know his/her favorite song? he has too many! 28. Do you know his/her favorite movie? he loves Bruce Lee movies a lot 29. Do you know his/her favorite book? not sure, forgot 30. Do you get along with his/her parents? verrrrrry well! 31. Do you know the name of his/her last girlfriend/boyfriend? I chose to forget it. it was sooo long before me that even he probably barely remembers. none of his exs really mattered to him before anyway. i am his first love :D 32. Does he/she ever talk about them? never! she didn't matter so why would he? :) 33. How does he/she feel about your last boyfriend/girlfriend? he says he is a piece of shit..and he's right about that! 34. What is the best thing he/she has ever done for you? everything!! simply loving me and giving me a chance 35. What is the best thing you have done for him? you'd have to ask him. 36. What is your favorite thing to do together? anything as long as we are together! lol 37. If he/she is employed what does he/she do? he's my Army Baby! :)~ 38. What is his/her favorite food? Fish 39. What was it about them that made you fall for them? Well, I met him when i was 12 or barely 13 and before I even talked to him, I took one look at him and I got this feeling and I just somehow knew from that day that he was "the one"..and that we were perfect for each other! woohoo :D [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

hi. [06 Jan 2003|03:00pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Stray Dog - Mirror (signum remix) ] I am full of ambition so far this year, I have a great start already! I am starting to finally see the light - getting my priorities in life straight, gaining responsibility and just turning things around to the way they need to be. I have set goals for myself (a couple days late, I know..but i've been gone! hehe) and one of the biggest ones is to get straight A's in school. I've done really well so far, got all my work done, and did extra by taking notes when not required and things like that. I just have realized I need to focus on the things that really matter, the things that are important and that will affect the outcome of my life...everyone in school seems to put way too much emphasis on their friends and not so much on their work when in reality, their work is what will earn them a living and their friends probably wont even know them anymore once they graduate. I mean it's not like your friends are going to support you in your independent life. I've only been able to realize this mostly because I don't have so much of a social life as I used to, I only consider maybe about 2 people I know REAL friends and I expect nothing. I also realized a lot in going to see Randy because I saw how he is so independent, can totally take care of himself and is responsible, he knows what he is doing and has a very good head on his shoulders and I absolutely know and expect the same from myself, because I know I have that too. I think too many people my age focus too much also on partying and that is another nowhere road, as much as we all hate to admit it, that will just get you nowhere and more than likely it will just make you regress if anything. Every once in a while is OK so long as you can keep on top of your priorities and for now, I just want to focus on those priorities and not let those things get in the way until I am sure I can balance the two. I am gonna start running everyday, drinking water, doing what is expected of me in all my relationships with those close to me, such as my parents and Randy. This is something I've needed to do for a long time and I am ready for it now, I don't have much longer before I am on my own as it is! I look forward to this year and the years after because I have a great feeling about them, I feel very determined and very hopeful! yay! :) [ 1 snuggle <3 hold me]

So today was my last day at Fort Hood.. [04 Jan 2003|10:06pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Hole - Best Sunday Dress ] Well, I'm home now. I really, REALLY didn't want to leave. It was really hard for me to let go of Randy at the airport! We had a great last day!!! Woke up early, packed, ate one last DFac breakfast (::Drools:: oh how I love dfac breakfast..french toast yummmmmy!) and then we checked out of the hotel after having one last..good time in it hehe *giggles* We went to the store on base where they sell all military clothing and such, it was soo sweet! I got a Signal Corp sticker, a new shirt and a keychain (most of which i accidentally left in Randy's car! :( )..I wanted a pair of boots, some BDUs of my own and some kick ass weather gear but then again that is way expensive..so that will be another day hehehe :X then we went out for a REAAAAALLY good lunch at Jason's Deli..god was it good! then we unexpectedly saw a movie at the last minute...Catch Me If You Can..Randy thought it was gonna be a chick flick but he actually ended up really liking it and so did i..but we had to leave about 30 min early to make my flight :( I'll see the ending sooner or later! THen it was time to go..I so didn't want to let gooo! I feel like I'm leaving..well..home. It felt like home to me after just 9 days. I belong there, I know I do, I feel it all over. Randy says we will get married as soon as I turn 18 and we are going to move into a house in Killeen. We were already thinking about checking out these houses near the mall in a subdivision called The Falls. Looks pretty nice, especially for being in Killeen. lol. I can't wait to move there, to get married. .that is when life will *really* begin and I look towards it with the utmost anticipation day by day. It gives me reason to wake up every morning. I feel like I left a piece of myself at Fort Hood, with Randycakes. My heart is there.. I was contemplating on the way home how much I like the military lifestyle, I know it's not the most easiest life but I like it regardless. But I know I'd like regular lifestyle too, I'd love it all with him! I feel so complete there, sleeping in his arms!! feeling his heart beat next to mine is just...my dream come true. I would probably go into deep spew about how much I want to be there, how I belong but I am EXHAUSTED! I can't wait to be an army wife!!!!! I even have my new HOOAH shirt to wear around and a set of dogtags around my neck.. :) Til later, I'll dream. . [ 2 snuggles <3 hold me]

ahhh :) [02 Jan 2003|08:03pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Nine Inch Nails - A Warm Place ] Well, the past week has been FUCKING EXCELLENT! I've been at Fort Hood with Randy since the day after Christmas and it has been sooo wonderful! We've had so much fun, went out to Olive Garden for dinner, saw a couple movies, went to the mall and just cuddled in the hotel a LOT. I got to eat DFac food (it's just eh) and see much of what army life is really like. We've been staying at a hotel on base (because offbase in Killeen is pretty ghetto!) and he has been SUCH a sweetheart! We went to the army museum too and saw lots of tanks and medic trucks and helicopters used from WW2 and Vietnam..I took lots of pics. I got to go to a couple PX's and it is amazing how they have so much stuff in there that you actually never have to leave base if you don't want (that's what Randy does, he NEVER goes off base when I'm not here - he really doesn't like to)...I wish I lived here and never had to go home again, to be honest. I love it here, maybe only because Randy is here but still. He wakes up at 3 am every morning to go to work (I get to see him all dressed up in BDUS and heavy weather gear) til about 10 am, doing gate guard. then he comes home and we do whatever! On New Years Eve, Randy and I went over to Addie's (Rainydai) and met her, her husband Chris (Caliwrc) and their baby Chloe! It was fun, it seems we have a lot in common! hehe. Today we went to the Killeen mall for probably the 4th time to look at rings! There were soo many I liked that I just couldn't decide! (thats why it was about the 4th time being there!) and we finally picked out the most BEAUTIFUL ring I saw!~ It is a heart with diamonds,I'll be posting a pic of it and of my time here when I get home..he spent all his money that we had left on this ring, so I feel really bad about it (especially cause his roomate ran up the phone bill so now he has no phone anymore..we wont be able to talk that much when i get home :( )but he assures me it's ok, he said seeing my eyes light up the way they did when I saw it was worth it! What a sweetie! hehe. It's a really, reeeeeeally beautiful and spectacular ring! I am very impressed with it, to say the least! So for the rest of my time being here, we have to just eat DFac food, which is fine because I'm getting used to it. hehe. I don't want to leave!!! I can't get enough of being with him and sleeping in his arms, next to him every night and we are together on our own, and I just love it. This is pretty much a lot like how life will be when we get married, we will be on our own together in a place away from home but I don't mind at all. I think it will be really fun and look forward to it a lot. I love being away from our parents and together, it feels so great, this is what I really want!!! This is what I want to do with my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with him! Be an army wife..hehe :D Well, I'm off to snuggle with my babykins! (I feel so loved - squee!~)This is sooo the life. I've died and gone to heaven!! :D late :) [ hold me]

ahhh :) [02 Jan 2003|08:03pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Nine Inch Nails - A Warm Place ] Well, the past week has been FUCKING EXCELLENT! I've been at Fort Hood with Randy since the day after Christmas and it has been sooo wonderful! We've had so much fun, went out to Olive Garden for dinner, saw a couple movies, went to the mall and just cuddled in the hotel a LOT. I got to eat DFac food (it's just eh) and see much of what army life is really like. We've been staying at a hotel on base (because offbase in Killeen is pretty ghetto!) and he has been SUCH a sweetheart! We went to the army museum too and saw lots of tanks and medic trucks and helicopters used from WW2 and Vietnam..I took lots of pics. I got to go to a couple PX's and it is amazing how they have so much stuff in there that you actually never have to leave base if you don't want (that's what Randy does, he NEVER goes off base when I'm not here - he really doesn't like to)...I wish I lived here and never had to go home again, to be honest. I love it here, maybe only because Randy is here but still. He wakes up at 3 am every morning to go to work (I get to see him all dressed up in BDUS and heavy weather gear) til about 10 am, doing gate guard. then he comes home and we do whatever! On New Years Eve, Randy and I went over to Addie's (Rainydai) and met her, her husband Chris (Caliwrc) and their baby Chloe! It was fun, it seems we have a lot in common! hehe. Today we went to the Killeen mall for probably the 4th time to look at rings! There were soo many I liked that I just couldn't decide! (thats why it was about the 4th time being there!) and we finally picked out the most BEAUTIFUL ring I saw!~ It is a heart with diamonds,I'll be posting a pic of it and of my time here when I get home..he spent all his money that we had left on this ring, so I feel really bad about it (especially cause his roomate ran up the phone bill so now he has no phone anymore..we wont be able to talk that much when i get home :( )but he assures me it's ok, he said seeing my eyes light up the way they did when I saw it was worth it! What a sweetie! hehe. It's a really, reeeeeeally beautiful and spectacular ring! I am very impressed with it, to say the least! So for the rest of my time being here, we have to just eat DFac food, which is fine because I'm getting used to it. hehe. I don't want to leave!!! I can't get enough of being with him and sleeping in his arms, next to him every night and we are together on our own, and I just love it. This is pretty much a lot like how life will be when we get married, we will be on our own together in a place away from home but I don't mind at all. I think it will be really fun and look forward to it a lot. I love being away from our parents and together, it feels so great, this is what I really want!!! This is what I want to do with my life, I want to spend the rest of my life with him! Be an army wife..hehe :D Well, I'm off to snuggle with my babykins! (I feel so loved - squee!~)This is sooo the life. I've died and gone to heaven!! :D late :) [ hold me]

[23 Dec 2002|09:45pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | Korn - Trash ] this is a pic of my baby and his two friends! (Randy is the one in the middle) Adorable, huh? :D [ 6 snuggles <3 hold me]

[23 Dec 2002|04:01pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | Neo Cortex - Prepare (club mix) ] HEY! I am getting SOO excited, and Randy is too! I leave in 3 days! 3 days til I will be in my baby's arms, i can't wait! I am so happy things are working out and though the start of the month was definitely rough, things are turning out to be better than ever actually. I am very happy with the way things are going now, I am very happy with life in general. Everything is going great! Randy is sweeter than EVER!, I am starting to do better in school, etc. etc. Randy saved up a bunch of his paychecks for when I come down there so he said we can spend ALL of that money on whatever we want! (don't know what yet!) and he is getting me a ring for Christmas! When I get there we are gonna go to the mall and pick one out together. He also bought me a really cute Mashimaro Purse ( I LOVE MASHIMARO SO MUCH!) which i also love! I have so much to do in the next couple of days, I still need to pack, shop for present for Christmas (YES, i'm THAT much of a slacker that I STILL haven't gone :/ )and help decorate the house. AHhh. Randy has extra duty for getting an article 15 about a month ago, but he somehow managed to talk his company commander into letting him do extra duty this week and the week AFTER i leave (meaning he will be off of it when i'm there!) and he had "DOIM" guard but thank God, they took him off of it today! Everything is working out! WEE! and I'm sooo in loveeeeeee! [ 4 snuggles <3 hold me]

[22 Dec 2002|06:29pm] [ mood | amused ] I just chatted with good old Santa Clause, check it out, this is what he said!! TranceRaverGirl: santa claus suck my balls SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AOL! :-) Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy". So, have you been naughty or nice? TranceRaverGirl: privacy SantaClaus: So you want to know what kind of information may be collected as you speak to Santa. :-) Well, the facts are that we are not collecting any kind of personally identifying data, using any cookies, or storing any personal information about you at all. Type More TranceRaverGirl: i want to have sex SantaClaus: My goodness! =-O Do you really now? Well, you can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes! TranceRaverGirl: do you want to too? SantaClaus: I could tell you, but that would spoil all of the fun. ;-) TranceRaverGirl: i want you big boy SantaClaus: You can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes! ;-) TranceRaverGirl: can i have you all night long? SantaClaus: Anything else? ;-) TranceRaverGirl: what do you say? we fuck all christmas night, dont deliver presents :) SantaClaus: If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's how to deliver all my presents on time! Don't worry; I'll get there safely. If you want to track my journey, take a look at my homepage on Christmas Eve: Kids Only: Santa's Home Page TranceRaverGirl: you know you want to baby ;) SantaClaus: I'm glad I could make you smile. :-D TranceRaverGirl: make me scream your name, how bout that? SantaClaus: I'm sure there are many ways. I have my magic. You have AOL ;-) TranceRaverGirl: aofuck me SantaClaus: Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you. TranceRaverGirl: is it a BIG lump of coal? and is it yours? =-O SantaClaus: :-P TranceRaverGirl: yeah you know you want this :-P SantaClaus: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere. TranceRaverGirl: are we? SantaClaus: I'm sorry, I missed that. The elves are just overrunning me with questions. And speaking of elves, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you asked me about them. TranceRaverGirl: do i get to fuck them too? can they join in? SantaClaus: Whoa Ho! Ho! Now, there's no reason for that language, I am doing the best I can. TranceRaverGirl: are the elves sexy? i mean, do they have big penises or are they small like ive always imagined? SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter? TranceRaverGirl: do you like sucking on clit? SantaClaus: Hmm. I'm afraid that kind of language won't get you into the nice column with me. That's a lump of coal for you. TranceRaverGirl: i think you like the cock too SantaClaus: O.K. so you've earned yourself another lump of coal. I just won't be able to talk to you if you persist with this language. Please, type "To Do"; let's try to get in the Christmas spirit. TranceRaverGirl: can my boyfriend join in? SantaClaus: Excuse me? TranceRaverGirl: you know, when we get it on? SantaClaus: Hmm. I'm not really sure what you're after there. The elves don't get it either. ;-) Speaking of elves, why not ask me about them. TranceRaverGirl: i already did you dipshit ;x SantaClaus: Now, that's not necessary. Just have a little patience and ask me another way. TranceRaverGirl: santa clause suck my balls! SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites. A lump of coal for you. TranceRaverGirl: you like balls dont you? especially with a big bunch of fromunda cheese underneath them, you like that dontcha bitch? :) SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions? TranceRaverGirl: i bet ;) SantaClaus: :-D Now I want you to spread that spirit everywhere you go today! TranceRaverGirl: spread my legs? what was that? SantaClaus: It's not so much the 'what' as it is the 'why'. ;-) TranceRaverGirl: anything for you big boy ;) SantaClaus: :-D Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! :-D TranceRaverGirl: you lik e that dontcha bitch? SantaClaus: I don't respond to that kind of language. A lump of coal for you. TranceRaverGirl: santa clause is a fat bitch! SantaClaus: My goodness. You've earned another lump of coal. I'm sorry but this is the last warning and lump of coal I can promise you. Any more cursing and I'll have to stop talking to you. Please, type "To Do"; let's try to get in the Christmas spirit. TranceRaverGirl: its ok cause id rather have randy than you SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type "To Do", it's time to get you in the holiday spirit! TranceRaverGirl: yeah ive got you by your nutsack hehehe jk SantaClaus: Please, I despise that kind of language. I'm just asking you to have a little patience and ask me another way. I'm talking to thousands of boys and girls and their parents here at the same time. It's not so easy! ;-) TranceRaverGirl: i hope you get to watch me and randy be naughty when i go to texas to see him! SantaClaus: Ah, watches make great gifts. I'm hoping for a new pocket watch this year. If you want to ask Santa for something, type, "Ask Santa" If you're looking to buy gifts, start your search here: Search for watches TranceRaverGirl: no SantaClaus: I'm sorry then. Why don't you type, "to do" for a list of things the elves have left for you? TranceRaverGirl: i want a puppy SantaClaus: My goodness! =-O Do you really now? Well, you can always type, 'Ask Santa' and I'll be happy to listen to all of your wishes! TranceRaverGirl: ask santa SantaClaus: O.K. The eye's aren't what they used to be; let's focus on one wish at a time! So, what is the first gift you'd like from Santa? TranceRaverGirl: i want a puppy damnit! SantaClaus: My goodness. I'm afraid I cannot respond to that kind of talk. A lump of coal for you. Please don't do it again or I won't be able to listen to your wishes. Is there anything else? TranceRaverGirl: I SAID I WANT A PUPPY!\ SantaClaus: So what would your final Christmas wish be? TranceRaverGirl: THAT I WANT A PUPPY! SantaClaus: Ho Ho Ho! :-) O.K. that's plenty, why don't you type, "song poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song. TranceRaverGirl: ITS NOT PLENTY! SantaClaus: If you want to try something else, you can take a sneak-peek at the TO-DO list the elves have left for me by typing, well, "To Do". ;-) TranceRaverGirl: ok im bored with you now, bye! SantaClaus: Keep spreading the Christmas spirit! TranceRaverGirl: spreading hmm? :x SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, "hear music", maybe some music will put you in the Christmas spirit :-) TranceRaverGirl: im good at that ;) SantaClaus: I'm glad you are getting in the spirit! TranceRaverGirl: it not so much of a spirit as it is a mood :) SantaClaus: Hee Hee. TranceRaverGirl: yeah giggle, you know whats up! SantaClaus: What, indeed! TranceRaverGirl: do yuo want me too? SantaClaus: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing. :-D TranceRaverGirl: no youre arent, quit lyin! SantaClaus: Oh, don't be like that -- just ask another way. The elves and I cannot just guess what you are saying. ;-) TranceRaverGirl: i think you want me SantaClaus: Pardon me? TranceRaverGirl: you know you do hehehe SantaClaus: I don't really know. TranceRaverGirl: stop lying! SantaClaus: The elves say, 'Make me'. ;-) TranceRaverGirl: need a spanking? SantaClaus: Well, I've been around the world almost 1800 times but I've never seen something phrased quite like that before. Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K.? TranceRaverGirl: bye SantaClaus: Merry Christmas, my dear! TranceRaverGirl: MERRY FUCKIN CHRISTMAS! my friend also imed Santa clause and this is part of the conversation: ImAboringChickk: do you smoke weed? SantaClaus: Well, I don't know. ImAboringChickk: yes or no? SantaClaus: Without a doubt. ImAboringChickk: cool, do you like bunk weed or do you like the hydro? SantaClaus: My sole purpose is to spread the Christmas spirit and bring good cheer to all. ;-) ImAboringChickk: i'll give you something to spread SantaClaus: Excuse me? ImAboringChickk: you don't believe me? SantaClaus: Ok, I'll bet the next thing you're going to tell me is that you don't believe in flying reindeer either. ;-) ImAboringChickk: i believe you, but wouldn't you rather be riding me? SantaClaus: As long as you believe, I'll be watching over you. ImAboringChickk: i'm sure you will be santa SantaClaus: Hallelujah. if you want more, im me, comment or email me..lol.late! :) [ 7 snuggles <3 hold me]

[21 Dec 2002|12:24am] [ mood | bitchy ] [ music | fuck you ] Hey. You know what I really fucking hate? ALCOHOL. GOD I HATE IT. Nothing good ever comes from it and it makes people extremely fucking stupid. I have no objection to it every now and then but sometimes it just gets to be TOO MUCH where it's just not right. I especially hate to see people that i truly care about so much saying they "NEED" to get drunk. I mean WTF, no one NEEDS to get drunk, and if you do, that's fucking lame because you shouldn't need to do something like that and I hate all the fucking excuses that come with alcohol "Oh I worked so hard today so i need to get drunk" BULLSHIT. That's no excuse. SOmetimes I work my ass off on things too but i never NEED to do something like that for any reason. The whole thing is just bad. And I hate how stupid a person gets when they are drunk off their ass. cant just drink a little but NO you gotta get so fucking drunk off your ass that you are too incapacitated to even hold a conversation. I've been around alochol all my life and i've only seen some really bad shit happen because of it and I'm not cool with it. It has had a major affect on my life and my childhood. So some people need to think of what is more important to them in life and really think about it and think if what they are doing ALL THE TIME is right and if it's healthy (hint: it's NOT) so yeah, really think about it for me. (note: things will be totally fine if you get it back to being somewhat reasonable cause i just hate to see you like this) I totally do commend you for going a week without it though, that meant a lot to me and I was very happy about it so please don't think that went unnoticed because I totally am happy about that. Listen, I understand getting drunk and all just have limits though -that's all i'm saying. and please, PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. you know ILUFNMW <3 On another note, I just got back from hanging out with April at her sisters house..we had fun, I think we are pretty good friends again. We danced in her sisters 5 inch high heals to trance and watched some really disturbing music videos on MTV..."stupid powdered doughnut people shut up" haha. I leave for Fort Hood, Tx in 5 days!!! (the 26th).. I'm excited! [ 6 snuggles <3 hold me]

[19 Dec 2002|07:10pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | some shit on di ] GOD DAMNIT i HATE when I am telling the complete truth about something and someone doesnt believe me...its like fuck...and there's no way to prove it..but i really wish there was because i've worked soo hard to be good and i am and now its like..i dont know but i am telling the truth and just totally not being believed cause i worded it wrong so i duno wtf to do..but id do anything to prove my innocence on this one cause its real. [ hold me]

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