Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
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10:51 pm - Post
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Tonight was a turning point in me. I got hurt again. I'm not going to sit and beg for sympathy or ask for it. Hear my claim. To all couples out there right now, if you enjoy each other, don't let the bullshit get in the way. Enjoy what you have. I'm not into the advice shit tonight. I just deleted a line I was going to write. Some thing's hurt more than others, only because if we internalize them more and more and the picture grows we learn that our emotional pain increases. The situation reminds me of a movie with Jason Lee and Ross from "Friends". A big weird thing with couples and such. Tonight, for the the first time I let everything that had just built up in me fly out on stage. It felt so good and it was so out there that it still sits on that stage. The air is thick with me being pissed and thats where it will stay. I'm not gonna pretend to think about other things or to look ahead. Right now, I'm stuck dry. I guess as corny as it sounds a thing that brought me comfort was the idea that maybe I was a Jedi. It sounds dumb I know, but in the romantic world, maybe I was made for a life of no-questions-asked sacrifice. I'd like to think that maybe I can jump this hurdle and get by somehow. I keep getting an empty stomach and feeling like I want to hurl. I tend to think that if they really feel for each other then to walk away and let it be. We live in this social buffer zone of a world. Fuck that. Ask me now where the rest of my life will take me and I say, I don't know. Ask me where my head takes me, and I'll say wherever I want. Ask me where my heart takes me, and I'll say it's still broken.
current mood:  blah
current music: Johnny Lang-Breaking Me
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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
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11:31 pm
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I fucking love Jedi's. Dont know what it is but they rule. I'm a true fan of them. Specially Obi-Wan in Episode 2 with the friggen awesome beard. He rules. Like my new LJ icon. When Ep2 comes out, i'm wearing a jedi robe. Love Obi-Wan. The ultimate hero. "You will be a Jedi. I promise you."
current mood: The Force
current music: DMB-41(acoustic)
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Tuesday, March 5th, 2002
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5:08 pm
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Dashboard on the 4th of April. Hellz ya. I'm doing good lately. Watching T.V., Doing Crew, missing my gal. I'
m off to eat.
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5:07 pm
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Dashboard on the 4th of April. Hellz ya. I'm doing good lately. Watching T.V., Doing Crew, missing my gal. I'
m off to eat.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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2:29 pm
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I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams
and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me
and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live
I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this is easy
then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room to live
and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no
this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant
and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you? (x7)
oh god i miss you
and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live
my Konstantine
current mood: Something
current music: Something Corporate-Konstantine
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Monday, February 25th, 2002
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5:06 pm - Part 2
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So today the adventure continued. We had to hit the ammo bunker again. We've found out that our two characters basically have been killing vampires for a year since the great war started. We've found out that werewolves have joined a certain clan local to the area that we hunt in. Also that they have villages and havens and that the sunlight weakens the troops and thats why they die by our guns. The plot thickens when it is said that we've killed 2,428 vampires in our time. Also that my characters girlfriend was killed by a group of vampires while I was half-dead. I woke up and killed them except for two. Mike's characters girlfriend could still be alive. All in all, a giant mystery lays ahead. How long can these two live amidst a world of potential pure vampire rule? It has been hinted that as time goes, future slayer's will come into play. Stay tuned.
current mood:  energetic
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Thursday, February 21st, 2002
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12:22 am
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Me and Petri just watched "Alien" on DVD and American Pie 2 special shit on DVD. Good times. I've still been thinking lots lately. No conclusions. I dunno. I've been down on myself again. It'll be better before it gets worst...hopefully.
current mood:  indifferent
current music: Jars of Clay-Love Song for a Savior
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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8:50 pm - World's Apart
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I think a little while ago I had the same title. This is for a different reason this time. I have always said I wouldn't be the guy to talk about his girlfriend all the time on his LJ. In this instance, I'm breaking that rule. I really do care about her. She's in New York City as we speak and I was in Boston today. It was so pretty and I started to hum and sing "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay. That and "Love Song for a Saviour" by Jars of Clay. And I was sitting there, looking up at the clouds, hoping she was looking at the same sky as me that same moment. I was a bit saddened by this. I miss her. She really does bring out some warmth in me. She's like water when you've been dehydrated and tired. That is for me at least. I don't presume to sit here and appoint myself the only hopeless romantic longing for someone out there, but I've really only felt this once before, but not as bad. This is because the person hasn't been a "world apart". It's like she's in one city and I in the other, both wondering about each other. Hopefully. It was a good day and I hope to see her soon.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: Sixpence None the Richer and Jars of Clay-With Every Breath
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Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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2:16 pm
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Valentine's Day....Not a big fan of it. Strange considering I'm a romantic. Lately, I've been ok, kind of figuring out little thing's that always pissed me off. When I say I want to leave this place, I mean like never come back. Then some people say, no we want you to be nearby. And I ask why? To continue to be the type of people that forget about me and butcher me at every turn? That are band-wagon friends? One day I'll be gone and all this madness over. Until then, i'll enjoy in my terrible sanity.
current mood:  weird
current music: nothing
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Tuesday, February 5th, 2002
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8:17 pm
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I was home alone a for a portion of tonight and "Radio Flyer" was on. I started thinking about my life for some odd reason, as if the movie were a catalyst for my infected train of logic. I was thinking how cool it would be to be considered as a hero. I don't know. I've always pictured my life as a movie in some state and myself as the hero. It's weird. I hate waking up in the morning. I'm so tired all the time.
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
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2:27 pm
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12:26 am
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Monday, January 28th, 2002
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2:24 pm - When the dust settles I'll find you standing there, battle torn and shattered...
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Just popped that title outta my bum. Today was long and useless much like every other day in my existence. The feeling hasn't changed. Now on top of this I realize some pretty bad shit. Everyone jump off this boat before it sinks. I wish I could but the captains gotta go down with his ship. I'm tired...literally and emotionally.
current mood: Batlle Torn
current music: Michelle Branch-All You Wanted
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Sunday, January 27th, 2002
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8:53 pm
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I found this morning something weird in my preperations to rise from my bed. My life's a joke. And the reason why this concept is so concieved is when I realize everyone reading this is saying one of two things. Either "Uh-oh whats wrong with Nick?" or "He's pulling this shit again for attention". I love that reaction. It's so human. It makes everything I know true. If I knew where I was going with this I would be going there. It's kind of sad how trite my existence has become. It's really sad how obsolete I have become. It's a weird world we live in. We somehow find the means to wake up every morning. I don't know what it is but it feels like there was this edge I was dangling from and I just tipped off. I don't know where I'll be in 2 months, 2 weeks, 2 days from now. I'll probably come full circle and realize I'm just the walking, talking con of the world.
current mood: If I knew I would Know
current music: The Calling-Wherever You Will Go
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Saturday, January 26th, 2002
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11:45 pm - What happened to the high?
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I just got back from a show and I don't know anymore. I love theater and acting. It's part of who I am. It makes up a large part of me. It brought a high to my life. But after tonight, there wasn't a high. It was more of a down. Lately i've been down on myself mostly because I don't think the cast likes me. They've been together for a long time running and I feel left out. I don't know. I'm sad because it's what I was excited for and still am. I hope thing's get better. Wish life was a little more bearable now.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Bob Dylan-Knocking On Heavens Door
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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
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12:20 am
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Boredom kind of makes you think of things. Make's you dwell on the strange. I dunno. I guess it's just I don't what to make of life right now. It's upsetting the way things seem to turn out or potentially turn out. This isn't in reference to anything particular. Listening to the music I am whose lyrics are:
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on In your heart and your mind I'll stay with you for all of time If I could turn back time I'll go wherever you will go If I could make you mine I'll go wherever you will go
I think of the good portion I have now. Amidst the treasure of life I've got a pearl. She just doesn't want to shine bright for this pirate. Understandable. But whatever. I'm pretty tired. No real reason for the post. BUT COME SEE POM POM ZOMBIES AT STAGELOFT THEATER FRIDAY, SATURDAY OR SUNDAY FOR THE NEXT THREE WEEKS STARTING THIS FRIDAY! I'M IN IT! MY FIRST LEAD!
current mood:  exanimate
current music: The Calling-Wherever You Will Go
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Saturday, January 19th, 2002
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9:57 pm - Change
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Last time this year I sighed. Districts was over and I was done with it. This year I sigh. But not a sigh of "Thank God i'm done." A sigh of "Unwanted Farewell". This year in districts was really awesome. I don't know why. I'm reluctant on trying out hoping for the same thing next year. It wouldn't be the same because we couldn't have the same director. The people were awesome this year. The experience was so rewarding. The music was fun but made me feel something. And my director was friggen awesome. That guy is definetely someone I loved working with. I wish he worked at SHS. That would rock so much. But the reason I entitle this post change is how much a year can do to something your so set in stone about and to how much the situation can change. The last song gave me a little chill because I knew I'd never sing with that same choir ever again. It was weird too because this girl last year that I always kind of looked at was there again this year. Her name was Heather. She's wicked cool(Don't worry Lauren, Your my girl and I ya). But anyways I wrote a note to Heather last year that I never gave her. I talked to her this year and she told me I should have. Let that gel in your brain and you'll get what its like to fuck up hardcore like such. I'm off.
current music: AP2 Soundtrack-Good for a Woman
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Friday, January 18th, 2002
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11:22 am - Weird
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I've been sick these past couple of days. Fever, headache that type of stuff. So I woke up last night because I had to pee. I peed. Suddenly I got dizzy and nauseas and I ran back to my room and laid down on my bed. The feeling went away. I woke up a little later and just laid there. Then I woke up for school. Didn't feel great. Took two advil and head off to school. But the weird thing is, I'm very much dazed right now and I don't know why. I feel like I'm not here and that I'm dead or something. I don't know what to think. It feels surreal to me. The entire day. Whatever.
current mood: drained
current music: The sound of the fan in the living room
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Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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6:53 pm
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So today was boring per usual. . I'm getting worn down hardcore. Two plays sucks the shit out of one. Not to mention I have midterms, districts and rehearsels all to tackle next week. Next week is the definitive heroes trial. I cruised with Adam today. Good times per usual. I found out that Matt felt left out. We worked it out. I still feel bad that I hurt him but we'll be cool. Other than that the day was an eternity. I'm out.
current mood: tired
current music: Talking Heads-Our House
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Tuesday, January 1st, 2002
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8:00 am
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I don't know what it was this morning that made me a bit sad. I woke up at 7:30 with one of my best friends waking up on the floor next to me. Adam ended up sleeping over cause it was getting late. It was the first time I had spent actual New Years with a best friend or in this case, one of my bro's. I got sort of melancholy watching him walk to his truck. Can't explain it. Maybe it's just cause I'm tired and extra sensitive. I dunno. But anyways, Happy New Years everyone and I raise a glass to Adam, the one kid who stuck around with a bastard for New Years.
current mood: melancholy
current music: Edwain McCain-Write Me a Song
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