20 minutes left to clean up my apartment and grab stuff for later.

i managed to clip almost all of rufus's nails last night before heading to bed. towards the end he was breathing really really heavy and drooling alot. i didn't want him to pass out or anything. not sure what teh heck his fear is. possibly because they were clipped too short in the past. but i didn't clip any too short lastnight or the two times before. he's getting better at it. it just makes him nervous. i rewarded him with lots of bisquits and told him what a good dog he is. hmm.

what was weird is that i put his little clippings in the bathroom trashcan and he kept getting up after we had gone to sleep to sniff out the bathroom. maybe he's getting used to it.

hmm. no tuesday's ten. i was looking forward to it! something about thanksgivign and being thankful would be a fun list.

as for right now i need to eat something,. take a crapload of vitamins and finish things up here. my pies and the almond bars look divine. i want to eat them! yum yum yum

Date:	2003-11-26 01:19
Subject:	two pumpkin pies later
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	DMB 1/26/95 jimi thang

to moi,

well. today wonderful things happened. i signed up for insurance at work and my employer is paying for all of my premium. i was so stoked!!!

then my boss told me i could have time off at christmas! totally blew me outta the water!!! just have to finalize the dates for a flight. hehehehe

work went ok today. i was pretty tired by the end of the night and was very glad to be going home. once home i've started doing laundry and have round 1 of the dishes done. the pumpkin pies are cooling on the counter and i'm awaiting the cookie sheet to soften so i can make almond bars. mmm.

all that's left is preparing my overnight bag for tomorrow evening. i'm stoked.

it's gonna be weird not really helping make the turkey and all the fixings this year. last year angela and i prepared a meal for prolly 15 and it was wonderful. she was mainly in charge, but i helped out a lot. hopefully the boys will let me help them a little bit or at least give them some direction since they've never cooked a bird before. :)

Ahh. *sigh* I love thanksgiving. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm so happy right now. The next six weeks are going to be absolutely wonderful!

love,
moi

I have this song stuck in my head... a version covered by guster.

A Little Respect
Written by Vince Clark/Andy Bell
I tried to discover
A little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please
(Give a little respect to me)
Give a little respect
To me

And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live with peace in our hearts
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no
Don't you tell me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please
(Give a little respect to me)
Give a little respect
To me

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby, please (give a little respect to me)
Give a little respect to me
I hear you calling
Oh baby, please (give a little respect to me)
Give a little respect to me

ya know it doesn't sound that difficulr to play. i think i have myself a new adventure wih my guitar!

today was a lazy day. it felt great. i took a nice hot bath with candles and finished doing my laundry. although it was disappointing last night to find out that my "new flannel sheets" were really just a "comforter cover"... it was still a nice relaxing evening.

i've managed to bring out my expression lately. not necessarilly with other people.... i'm still clamming a little bit. but i pulled out my guitar today. i nwas so nervous that it was going to be restringed.. but it just needed a little tuning. and since i've realized that myleft arm is really wimpy and weak. i tried playing "never is a promise" and mya rm kepty cramping.. but my muscle memory still exists and i really didn't need to look at the strings too much.

i really wanted laura to get here earlier since i've been playing it and singing. my voice is a little rusty as well.. doesn't help that i kept swiggin' wine in between verses instead of drinking water.

oh well. all of these lillith fair songs are still rockin. i love how when you don't listen to a song you used to love in like almost a year or more and tehn you remember all the lyrics. i love that.

mmm dar williams. "what do you hear in these sounds." love love love this song.

suppose i should decide if i'm going to continue wearing this pink fitted top or put on the pink button down shirt that i really want to wear. this oen is kinda warm though. hmm.

wine is warm. better idea. off to the world.

Date:	2003-11-22 00:35
Subject:	yah
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed
Music:	the prize- guster 8-4-94

i've been communicating how i feel really well with people lately. especially cotton mouth ;) tonight...

do you think it's weird for a man and a woman to be intimate without having sex.. even if they aren't dating? to just simply want to fulfill that internal instinct to be coupled.. even if only for a night?

part of that maternal instinct has totally kicked into my system and i'm not ready for it... the maternal instinct to get latched to a man and make babies.. somethign i don't want for another 5 years. but if I can help my body control it's hormonal fluctuations and fill part of that void.. even if fake. i'm going to do it for right now. cuz i don't wanna just settle for a guy or start makign babies for teh wrong reasons.

i'm comfortable with us being very different and me not always.. actually with me very rarely being able to relate to you. what i don't understand is how if you constantly feel weird with me, why do you continue to talk to me etc?

i would love to lay nekid with you on my bed and stare at the ceiling and talk about nothing for hours.

...

i've reconciled with two peeps at work and that feels great! one of the girls who i thought totally hated me or something actually was just in a controlling relationship and that's why she stood me up a handful of times and never called. she wants to get together. that felt good.

i'm excited for tomorrow and tonight i wish i had someone to cuddle with and make breakfast for in the morning.

ok back to cleaning and listening to this live guster show i downloaded. 8-4-94.

Date:	2003-11-21 12:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	not in this life- natalie merchant

Natalie Merchant's "Motherland" arrived yesterday and it rocks. Been thinking about colleges and high schools and people dn professors and scholarships and helping people all morning as I made some food for a work festivity.

I've come up with probably the best christmas gift for my parents in a long time. i can't wait to get te small supplies I need to make it all happen. I'm really excited. I have some ideas for others as well.

I'm excited for today. It's casual Friday as most businesses have here in Portland. I'm stoked to wear my new jeans. weeee.

I ate lunch yesterday with Steve. He's really cute and I like his blue eyes. And he looks really snazzy when he's all dressed up for work. I can't tell if he's shy, likes me, or is uncomfortable around me but I noticed that he didn't make much prolonged eye contact while we ate lunch. I'll have to analyze this later for fun. hmm. tomorrow will be fun. A bunch of us are getting together for drinks at my place and then a few laughs afterwards.

Rufus has been pretty happy lately. He's very observant. Like last night he was sitting on teh couch upright next to me watching tv. Justas calm and as happy as could be. So cute and yet so funny. Just one of those moments that makes you smile and think.. man I love life!

Right now he's laying on his back with his front paws crossed and he's sort of rolling from side to side a little just looking around. He's funny like that. He awaited me dropping cheese on the floor all morning as i cooked.

I'm stoked to make some yummy treats for tomorrow. Specifically lil almond bars (if I have enough energy). I saw ghiradelli white chocoloate chips at frd meyer's last night and lil fireworks went off in my brain!!! hmmm.

Alright. off to the shower. or wait.. ya know what pisses me off is that as I've gotten older my leg hairs grow out faster when I shave. For example. ok yesterday was too cold to wear a skirt and I knew i was wearing jeans today, but i feel sexy when i shave my legs. so i shaved them yesterday and by last night they weren't silky anymore... I've only used the razor three times!!!! argh. electrolysis might be seriously considered. although the act of shaving is in itself what is sexy. It forces you to touch yourself.

oh happy day!

From zeroshapiro

1)When was the last time you were sick?
probably a few months ago. I seem to get every ilnness that comes through work.

2)When was the sickest you've ever been?
Man I remember being probably 9 or 10 and our car broke down in winona/la crosse wisconsin/minnesota. we were staying at a koa campground and it was around my birthday/ the 4th of July. It was really hot and I'm not sure if I just had a bug or if it was the heat.. but all i remember is waking up in the middle of the night and having to run down this hill to use the bathroom and i could never get the number codes on the bathroom door to work properly. I had the worst diarhea ever.

Other than that... probably having mono.. cuz I'm a total germ freak and I thought the worst case scenario.

3)Have you ever had fever hallucinations?

Oh yeah! those are the best!!!! Whenever my allergies would act up all through high school and in college, i'd hallucinate. It was that happy high feeling. It also may have been partly due to the allegra. That stuff always made me feel good too.

4)How many emergency room visits have you had?
I was born with a sorta birth defect where my kidneys and bladder weren't hooked together properly, so my bladder could enver completely empty. I was in and out of the emergency room for urinary tract/bladder infections a lot as a kid.(none of which i remember)

1.) 1st grade: The babysitter's dog was chewing on my doll and i grabbed it back and the dog bit me right below my eye. stitches.

2.) another time i was playing suicide in my mom's high helled boots and i fell on a rock and had to get stitches in my hand.

3.) I slammed my finger in the backdoor to my house right before my sophomore homecoming dance. a friend of the family was an x-ray tech and took a look at it to make sure it wasn't broke.

4.) I went to the ER for mono. (i was hallucinating at the time btw)

5.) I made one of those lil microwaveable chef boyardee thingies in a high powered microwave and burnt my hand during junior year of college. It was in the middle of a wicked bad snowstorm and the roads weren't plowed. A friend drove me.

5)Did you ever have to stay overnight at a hospital?

Just when I was younger and had my kidney/bladder surgery.


6)What was the saddest event/situation that you had to miss out on because you were sick?

Well my parents didn't want me to go, but I went anyways to see phish right when I found out I had mono.

Other than that just a few weeks before I found out I had mono, I was really sick and was behidn in my coursework so I stayed home from going to family Thanksgiving so that I could get my work done. I luckilly got all of it done in between IRC chats and long naps.

7)How old where you when you got chicken pox?
I was in kindergarten.

8)What is your most embarrassing vomit story?
Well, I've never been a puker unless it was from drinking... But last January I had food poisoning and I woke up in the night and just kept puking straight for like an hour. A friend had stayed the night and felt bad. I thought I had puked for maybe a few minutes but It was for a long time. Then all I wanted to do was moan and groan from all the cramps and everything afterwards.

9)Is there anything in particular that you find comforting when you are sick?

I love to drink gatorade and eat toast and eggs. I drink a lot of honey lemon tea too. Depending on what kind of sick I am I can either like to be bundled up in bed watching movies or just standing in my shower trying to drain my head.

10)Have you ever gotten mono?

Freshman year of college I was sick several times in the fall and I just couldn't seem to ever get over it. Finally at the end of the semester right before finals, I went to the ER because my throat looked like it had grown a life-form all of it's own. Of course I had already completed weight training and volleyball for the semester. So lucky my spleen didn't pop.

yah.. so me and vitamins don't mix pretty much. i used to try to take "one a day" during my freshman year of college and i'd puke everytime.

so my mom sent me these one-a-day "weight smart" vitamins a while back...

i wanna puke.

update. i did puke. gross. i don't know what it is about that brand.

Date:	2003-11-15 15:47
Subject:	this happened once before...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	strange design (clifford ball)- phish

i was just thinking about how fun it would be to be a high school history teacher. i would love to teach about the 50's 60's adn seventies and tie it together the way i motivate adults with theme days... either by the way we dress or by our music that we listen to.

to be the person who introduces music styles to a new generation of people would be really cool.

i wonder if phish will be in history books someday showing how a group of people were cult-like following musicians.

i was thinking about how i was introduced to phish. through b. stanley in my sophomore art class. i think i had it 3rd period and then history was 4th period. i think about how my choir teacher took so many risks introducing us to up and coming musicals and broadway shows. how in love with "rent" he was. he took a lot of chances while he was trying to get his tenure.. he used to let us take home the rent cds.. with all the cursing and alternative references in such a small one-light cow town... it was really risky.

i think about how awesome of a principal i had and how much he cared about all of us students. he did his job well and his personal life was a mess. after several marriages the last one ended when he got randy with his secretary. they got married a while later.

it made me think about how you cna really only be good at one thing at a time.. their can only be one first place not a three way tie. something has to give.

Date:	2003-11-15 15:19
Subject:	one of my favorite things
Security:	Public
Mood:	dreamy
Music:	run to you- god street wine

one of my favorite things to do is take a shower... and then afterwards wrap my hair up in a towel, put a bra and a pair of panties on and then lay on my bed listening to music. when i was in college i'd do it for hours if the music looped. and then sometimes after the music ended i'd lay ther and just stare at the pictures or quotes near my bed adn reminisce about things.

i cna remember doing it as far back as high school. on sundays i'd take a shower for church and then just lay there baskign in the sunlight's warmth on my bed.

it's so relaxing.

now i lay there with rufus. i love to lay flat on my back especially if my stomach is empty cuz them it lays flat and you can't tell that my stomach really isn't firm. it's cool.

i like to lay there and cup my breasts- especially right after my period is over cuz my breasts are firmest then. it's just cool and relaxing.

today rufus and i laid there on my bed. my feet were on my pillows and my head was on a clump of sheets and i was laying on my side... noticing how firm my hip and thigh were. i wanted to paint it! rurufs was laying with his head on my lower arm and his back against my stomach. i just rubbed his belly as i relaxed to guster and gsw. it was wonderful.

i thought about how i've been downloading all of the shows i've ever be to and i wondered if i'd be able to get the gsw show that i saw on my birthday. mmm micheal shea's. i love memories and making them.

Date:	2003-11-15 01:59
Subject:	my first Tuesday's Ten: Dating & Relationships
Security:	Public
Mood:	surprised
Music:	all the way up to heaven- Guster

I got this from Sessa. It's well past tuesday but I thought it wa a fun idea and wanted to write my thoughts.

1) Briefly describe your current love life (married, dating, single...)
Well, right now I'm single. I have a great relationship with my dog though and practicing setting boundaries with him and sticking to rules has taught me a lot about relationships. I think i'll have a really good backbone in my next one.

2) Do you have a "type" of guy/girl you're attracted to? What is it?
I love hippie boys who are into jam bands. It's my type! Guys with any color eyes as long as they sparkle and catch my attention, dark hair and at a length that I can run my fingers through. I like guys who tend to have a bit of a feminine side and aren't afraid to show their emotions in front of me. I like a guy who has a musical/artistic side. It doesn't matter if they sing, play guitar, piano- as long as they can appreciate it when i sing or play guitar. But if they play better than me- that's really sexy! I like guys who can dance! rhythem is essential!

3) Do you normally end up dating your "type"?
Well since the word "dating" was used. No. come to think of it I've only ever had one really awesome boyfriend who I consider to have been closest to my "type". I've had lost of crushes that were "my type".

4) Do you have any "tests" that you put someone you're dating through? For example, a certain movie you make them watch or restaurant you take them to?
I don't really put guys through tests. I bring up certain conversations with everyone I've ever dated to see where their views are. The guy can't be homophobic whatsoever or else they'd never fit into my family longterm. I make the guys I date listen to all of my ani difranco and if they can handle her- they're good to go.

5) Is there anyone you're attracted to right now? Can we get some more information? ;-)
I have two guys right now. Mr blue eyes and the boy from pennsylvania. Mr blue eyes is currently taken but he mesmorizes me. he has an awesome taste in music- very eclectic and he can hold his ground in conversation and not be a total clam. It's sexy. He seems very much in love until I see the deep stares he gives me Monday through Friday. He's "my type".

The boy from pennsylvania seems like an abercrombie model. He's not "my type" though. But a few weekends ago, I was infatuated by the way we connected over some Dave matthews. and it wasn't like a "hook-up" connection... it was more of the way we were on the same wavelength in conversation and we just clicked. It was cool. I think I'm just one of the "guys" in that crowd though.

Tonight I chatted with a guy I met at a bar earlier this week.. but I had met him on several other occasions through the rockstar. he's a phishead, a year younger than me and pretty cool. He's an artist, a college graduate, a musician and a phishhead. Did I metnion he likes phish? and moe.? and jambands? and he'll probably show up to guster tomorrow. I think he's really interesting- but not a pursuit. perhaps his mind will pleasantly blow me away. I would love for that to happen.

6) Have you ever had a "friend with benefits?" What is your take on this situation?
heh heh. Yes twice. The first time around was inspired by a bad episode of Dawson's Creek. It was a waste of my time, energy and emotions. Round two was a bit different but the feelings I had during round 1 are present. It's not enjoyable because there's no attachment. Maybe if it was a person i loved- even if just a really close friend it would be different because there would be a chance of something else happening at a different point in time. for right now- I'm better off with my batteries. ;) (Duracell should make a commercial about porn stars. ;) )

7) Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? Have you found this to be difficult for any particular reason?
Let's see.. for a while I felt like "when wasn't I in a long distance relationship?" First there was Sessa. He lived in Troy, NY while I lived in Williamsport, PA. It was wonderful and at other times a total curse! The best grades I ever got during a semester in college was the fall of my sophomore year when he and I dated. I made sure all of my work was done during the week so we could hang out on the weekends. It made our time together very special and valued. But those times when you're feeling down and want to sleep next to the other or you just want a hug... he wasn't always there and that was part of the distance. That part sucked!

I sorta 'dated' icky writer. the distance with that was perfect for him since he was cheating on me. for me- i thought it was more- so the distance sucked.

One of the most beautiful relationships ever was my yellowstone hippie boy. he lived in yellowstone for the entire summer after we met and he didn't keep in contact. It made me dreamy to have the distance but my heart was broken in the fall when he returned.

I was living in NY and dating my former beaverton boyfriend. I moved here for me, but also because I thought there was a chance for somethign more. I took the chance and it didn't work out.

8) What are some reasons you have ended a relationship?
I think I've ended all of them. I needed space from my first boyfriend. He needed space to get some assistance and I couldn't be there for him when he needed me most. It pained me to know that yet at the same time I thought I was doing what was best.

With Dave, I didn't see him going anywhere with his life. I wanted more. Plus I was hooked on a probably the biggest crush of my life and I didn't think it was fair to be dating himj when my heart/mind were completely elsewhere.

Andre returned from Yellowstone in the fall and called me buzzed early in the raining morning to say hi. my heart was crushed. I thought we had something special and for whatever reason I went there that night to talk everything out, I didn't fool around with him like could of. The ball was in my court and pretty much we never spoke again. I didn't want to just be an "easy" fling. I wanted more and he wasn't ready for that so i walked away.

I broke up with beaverton boy becuase I was falling out of love. He wasn't a good listener, he didn't love himself, he was jealous of my dog, and he lied too much to himself and others.

9) Have you ever broken someone's heart or had your heart broken?
My mom says I'm a crusher. I break hearts yearly when i never even knew that they liked me. But yes... I've broken a few hearts I'm very sure of- not intentionally.. it just comes with the territory of love. My heart has been broken as well. Some things only take a lot of time to get over and even with that if Andre showed up tomorrow- I'd give him a second chance. It's weird how we act in matters of the heart.

10) And, to end on a good note, what's the best thing about being in love?
I love how when you're in love everything is wonderful. the small little petty things in life no longer matter... they're petty. And all the small beautiful things like hearts in clouds and morning doves cooing and raindrops on your nose are all suddenly even more beautiful and dainty than when you recognize them on a regular day. the small things are all poofed up in this way that only love can make you feel. I love how open you can be to another human being and how open they are to you. Somehow all of one's boundaries are dropped. Fear disipates.

Date:	2003-11-13 11:59
Subject:	the globe
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	grace is gone- dave matthews band

last night was interesting to say teh least. i ended up at the greek lounge which is off of murray in an old bingo hall. i invited the pennsylvania boys out and a handful of co-workers were also there.

i was expecting pennsylvania crush boy to appear since his roomies said he had to be at work at 7am.. but there he was! all three were pretty tired and yawny except for mark. he was pretty funny. with every other line to me being "how's it goin'?". i'm not sure why he had such a silly grin on his face for so long but i know i had s stupid grin as well. for no reason other than enjoying being out around people after work. my cheeks hurt in fact from smiling so much.

so as we got our drinks from the bar a co-worker of mine said hi to a gentleman in a booth behind me and i recognized his friend before him and looked down and holy shit!!! it was "the rockstar". i was in total disbelief. i think in fact i was kinda rude since he just dropped off the face of the earth. so i said hi and reintroduced myself to his friend dan.

by the end of the night i had dan's number. i told him to call em and we cna talk about phish. woo hoo.

and today i have a really bad headache, but lovely dave matthews lyrics in my head "grace is gone". off to work!

Date:	2003-11-10 11:58
Subject:	yesterday I cried, chapter 14
Security:	Public
Mood:	pleased
Music:	cinema paradiso- josh groban

So last night I took more me time. After talking quite a bit with josh this weekend, I have some ways of thinking that I need to throw out or perhaps just view at a different angle. After talking to Laura, she also brought up some valid points. It's not the 19th century.

I constantly bring up this question.. "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" I have so many answers to that question it's almost sickening how much fear I keep in my life. and all for what? Whatever obstacle life brings you what I know for sure is you'll bounce back... something like that to quote Oprah. I wish I had some quotes of my own to quote myself on.

So I decided I wanted to read last night. Decided not to read "Tales of the City" cuz that's just one big soap opera and all of the affairs in it might distract me instead of relax me.

So on the same bookshelf I saw "Yesterday I Cried". I knew I didn't want to read the whole book, so I read through the table of contents and decided on chapter 14... "What's the lesson when you've mastered all of the wrong lessons?" Amazingly it was the perfect chapter for what I was feeling. I felt that warm sensation fill my central cavity as I read through the introduction.

the poem hit home. and then the list of 43 statements was me. things I had worked so hard to get away from yet I realize if you're constantly around a person who thinks this way in their own life... no wonder you can't get past it. you become the thinsg you don't want to be if you aren't strong enough to cut the ties.

We'll work on this. I'm excited to get ready for work. I bought a new outfit yesterday and I felt sexy in it. Clothes I can be casual in or dress up for at work. It all depends on what shoes I wear. ;)

Date:	2003-11-09 22:23
Subject:	josh groban- new album Tuesday
Security:	Public
Mood:	crazy

josh groban's new album comes out this tuesday. rawr! I'm going to marry him and he doesn't even know it yet!

Date:	2003-11-09 12:50
Subject:	my time alone
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated
Music:	to where you are- josh groban

I spent yesterday alone and it was wonderful. i really needed it for a while... to rejuvenate myself. i finally cleaned my apartment. everything from the bathtub to the floors. i had time to make myself a wholesome meal. mmm chilli.

after everything was cleaned.. even sheets put back on my bed, i misted my bedroom with lavendar vanilla. lovely. i lit candles throughout my apartment and the scent of pumpkin pies, cinnamon and gingerbread were alive. i turned off all the lights except for a string of white christmas lights. it was already 5 o'clock and completely dark.

i uncorked a bottle of chilled white wine and drew myself a bath. mmm more lavendar and a brand new razor for the softest most delicate shave. but that wasn't enough. i rubbed my entire body with oil and put on a pair of warm pajamas. mmmm beautiful. i sang along several times through to josh groban's self titled album. it felt wonderful to sing from my diaphragm. belting out notes perfectly in harmony.

the individuals i called and invited over were all preoccupied. it saddened me quite a bit that i was in such a sensual sexy mood and yet i was all alone. yet it excited me to know that someday when i have that special man in my life, it will be beautiful to once again open up and share this delicate yet very sexy side of myself with someone. i can only imagine the naughty things that would've happened had i been with someone else. i'm certain i wouldn't have fallen asleep during SNL.

INFJ - "Author". Strong drive and enjoyment to help others. Complex personality. 1.5% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

where do you see yourself in five years... i asked my class yesterday. don't see any single person in my class staying at the company for more than a year. my new boss is now going to be doing open houses. i think i'll ask him if i can sit in on a few to see how they're run. Maybe i'll be able to help out in HR at some point. :) i think i'm on the good side of my boss and perhaps while there may not be opportunities right now for advancement in the training dept, i could get on his good side and go off in different directions.

i talked with a friend last night. she's back in therapy, very depressed and thinks the solution to all of her problems is to get a boyfriend. i reminded her what she's reminded me many a times that a boyfriend is a distraction from the root cause.

i looked at my ass in the mirror today. it's pretty darn big. it's curvy though which i like, but it's getting hoochie mama fat round kinda ass. i think my main issue is my weight right now and pretty much i can't ever remember a time in my life when i actually took it seriously. i remember looking really good and really good while i ws at elmira. sure i drank every weekend and towards the end i was in a panic... but i ate really well there. i rarely ate fast food which is so common for me here. after i saw the dermatologist my face was pretty clear too.

i've felt chang and romance in the air for a while now. my body wants companionship but my self esteem isn't ready to hide behind someone else. part of me wants to get myself pieced back together by myself to show myself i can do it and rely on myself. the other part of me says that i know already that i cna make it on myself and allowing someone else into my life isn't a bad thing... it's not alwaysa bad thing to let someone else help you.

so this weekend after i gt back from eugene.. which i have a feeling will be inspiring because i get all hot and bothered anytime i'm on a road trip. it doesn't matter who it's with. :) even though this weekend it's with anq ;)

so here we go. what would ido if i weren't afraid? i wouldn't be afraid to allow others into my life. i wouldn't walk the fine line so cautiously. and if i weren't afraid of these things, i wouldn' keep myself festively plump and unhealthy as a distraction from allowing people to get to know me.

there was once a time in my life, perhaps a naive time, but a time when this wasn't such a fear. i think the middle between now and then is where i want to be and something i'm going to actively work towards. then grad school wouldn't be a distraction. then finding a different job wouldn't be a distraction.

this all very much relates to the "what i know for sure" in last month's oprah, but i didn't quite absorb it until right now. :)

so does it really matter to guys if they're dating a girl who doesn't have a prestigious job?

god i feel so materialistic. i thought it only really mattered if you put out or were at least good when you did put out. do guys minds still revolve around that even after they get manners and act like that isn't important? or is that only when you're 18?.

Date:	2003-11-03 12:09
Subject:	a shout out to friends
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	say goodbye- dmb

It's been interesting getting used to the evening schedule I'm on. Everyone in my class seems younger than me. As usual there are always at least one or two guys who I find to be sexy and of course as usual... they have girlfriends. the idea of being devious and having a "chase" is tempting, but i don't play that hand of cards.

listening to "Im Not a Girl Not Yet a Woman" somehow always makes me feel young, yet strong. or something.

how can it be possible to get so consumed with the way "things look" on the outside to somehow forget how you feel on the inside. to be so caught up in how others will view you that you somehow climb into a shell and don't say everything you want to say. don't act on everything you want to act on. is this materialism or is this more like getting older and maturing? "the wise woman thinks twice and speaks once."- maya angelou

i can't believe i've fallen into this. perhaps i always was part of it, but now more so than ever i feel like words and actions weigh so much on me. it's like suddenly i'm walking on glass and if i step too hard it will shatter beneath me. taking me out with the crumbled pieces. i don't want to have to walk so lightly. being graceful is fun, but being worried how others will judge you constantly is annoying. it causes paranoia and anxiety. i've had those doses of anxiety quite frequently over the past 6 months.

i'm so particular about wrinkles and bra and underwear lines in my clothes. it's rare that i go out without my makeup now. my hair is never left without hair product... which is completely opposite of how i once ran my life. it's rare to see me without earrings that match my outfit perfectly either in design or color. i wear socks that match now instead of the fun funky days of fun socks. clothes- i think i own one or two pairs of jeans. that's it.

yet things aren't completely perfect to the eye. i've gotten what i consider to be fat. i've never ever had a perfect body. i've always had imperfections but now more so than ever i don't see my sexy curves that once were in the mirror. i'm not sure if weight or gravity has taken a toll on my once firm and always perky breasts. in fact now i think my breasts are small where as i once thought they were decent and complimented my body perfectly. i think becuase of the added poundage in other areas my breasts now seem small to me.

i think i try to use my education to compensate for all of the other faults i see with myself and that's why not having it complete is very bothersome. all in all i guess i'm not really happy or at least as happy as i thought i was.

even with my circle of friends to an extent. sometimes i feel embarassed that i'm hanging out with some of the individuals that i do. and i feel that way when their confidence is lacking in themselves.

all in all i'm really consumed with what people think of me right now and i don't think there's anything anyone can do about it except myself that will make me feel better. part of it all comes back to the detaisl of my life right now. i likemy job but i'm embarassed and saddened by itnot giving me everything i want/need. the extra cash and benefits pretty much. it's not exactly prestigious to talk to others about although becuase i really like my job and the client that i work for, it makesme feel good to an extent. focusing on the positive.

more to be written later perhaps. right now must get ready for work.