Date:	2002-10-01 10:39
Subject:	emulsion
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	3x5 neon

now that I've come round again
it's safe to ask was it ever good for me
can I wear six x
would it take me in
cause what was precious
has been melted down
into a bezzle
charming it never was

and i say
this charm is a curse
when i see him brush my hair and sweep it from my face
hands full of lillies
hands cursed from where my life lines divide


he sees me in footnotes
times and secret anacronyms
at Kastro and time
me and mary jane
at the corner of 2nd and nine
where he fed me sweet until I bled
clicking my heels begging
me to bring him home
where i cannot find him

liquid light
slid off my dinner plate
and left me here with your
questions and me
unanswered.

I've been hanging over your head
Just in case you thought I'd move along
single file alphabetized in your organizer
It's a top drawrer clutter in that space
when you open your head to think
what we have done

I never found home without you
one velvet shoe under the globe's tablecloth
and you thought we covered it well
it just isn't so
I'm still barefoot
bleeding from the walk home

I've carried it heavy
and packed lightly
it still feels like an unfinished
picture immortalized

do you dream it was me
do I peel the paint off the walls
can she see me now
that I'm gone

it's locked in your father's watch
time may move but does not pass
without me

Date:	2002-09-28 02:10
Subject:	Perfect make-up but your barely scraping by
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	Dashboard

Sometimes the lonlieness moves my hands swiftly across letters like a Ouji board, other times they just stick together, like the thoughts in my head. Thick as molassess and so sappy it's too embarrassing to mention. I have this overwhelming family of friends but when I am at the doctor's office or waiting by the phone-for anything-I feel that left alone feeling. I recently realized that I have not had a normal job or place to live since Daniel and I broke up. He said he would pray that I would be okay and that I would be-giving me that strength line that is supposed to clear him of any responsibility. I want him to think that I am so perfectly happy and well-adjusted as much as I want him to know that I have never been able to put myself back together. I need to go back to DFM-he's the only one who can make sense out of this. I'm not waiting on A or anyone else-these days I don't even cry anymore-it's all me this time.

Date:	2002-09-21 13:18
Subject:	like jeopardy smart
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore
Music:	Pete Yorn-Music for the Morning After

I'm really really good at marketing and advertising but I don't know what to do with that. I need to go back to college is what I need to do. I am still @ N's, who left on a plane to LA-Culver City, Paramount Pictures to be a contestant on Jeopardy! No, I did not make it up. He has been cramming trivia books, almanacs, wine and food guides down his throat and walking around with a "buzzer" answering everything in the form of a question to train for the big day. Which is tomorrow. Which is not live. Which means he has to call us and tell us whether he won or lost. So I've taken over his room while he is gone and will be housesitting in Brooklyn for three weeks in October unless I actually find something sooner. Part of me wants to stop looking right now because I can barely afford moving in Oct.1. I am making so little money right now. And I have a big dr's appointment on Wed that will set me back a paycheck. I have two awful toothaches, one on the top and one on the bottom right-I've had my teeth sealed like twice. Exactly what did that do for me? I am a religious brusher and flosser, I even have this great low-fi water pic I was given after I got my 2 wisdom teeth out this summer that I use all the time. They say I have soft teeth. Sometimes the pain is seriously worse than my endo but I can't say anything to anyone and I definately cannot see a dentist right now. I just paid for my wisdom teeth and that hurt me and seriously contributed to my living situation right now. I can't get health insurance because I have a pre-existing condition, I can't go to the doctor because it's too expensive, I can't be 100% because I am sick. Can someone explain the logic in that?
I am going to see an apartment in what I misread to be Brooklyn Heights, in actuality is Prospect Heights. I doubt it will be worth it but I have to make the effort. I'm taking my toothache and my PinkThink book and hitting the C even though everything is better overground. You gotta start somewhere (jb).

• Subject: 85ing letter 2
• Subject: no such thing
• Subject:I've been to Boston before....
• Subject: where angels fear to tread
• Subject: what, is he too normal for you?
• Subject: some other beginning's end
• Subject: days of our nights
• Subject: oscar and the thread count
• Subject: bearing with me and micro works
• Subject: white wedding
• Subject: nice day to start again
• Subject: antiques and tea
• Subject: let their hearts wear anchors so we will know them from their limping
• Subject: make yourself
• Subject: sugar coated cereal number
• Subject: space invader
• Subject: I'd like to thank my boyfriend, this is for you
• Subject: nobody's angel

and people ask me if I actually listen to song lyrics....

Date:	2002-09-16 16:50
Subject:	85ing letter 2
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy
Music:	Mayer

Gilly,
I knew at some point there would be a break down. The search for every thing that makes us feel together: a door, keys, a comforter, an address, a work number has burned rubber and blistered my feet. Nonetheless, this is where I want to be and know that this is part of the deal. It is never living in New York, it is surviving.

The first few weeks here were incredibly warming and social. I began my apartment/job search without much response. Still the day planner turned its pages and I am still at my friend N's. I just went through a round of apartment shares, basically from 14th and below, to the usual places in Brooklyn and every place was surprising normal with the exception of the ever-present "con". One place has no windows, another is on the top floor of a 6 fl walk-up, next is an illegal sublet, and last is not such a great neighborhood. With that being said I would move into any of them at this point. The people seem reasonably nice and sane and I can live w/out windows, etc. for a while. It's not the physical exertion, it's the mental mind-fuck as to why this has to be so incredibly difficult. The job situation is no better. I started getting work at Sony again, and I was recommended for a position in the legal department. I know this sounds a bit odd but its the only type of job I would consider at a record label. It is so far dissociated from the music end, most of the people you are working for are lawyers and you end up taking on a lot of work they don't have time to do and don't care if you get the credit for it, and its not the job you are dying to move up the ladder in. Most assistants/coordinators are saving for grad school, paying their bills, etc. so it feels right. It took me a good day or two to be comfortable saying what my heart said was the right thing to do. I called this morning and they had filled the position a few hours ago. So back around to where I started from.

Gilly,

I wish I had been able to write back sooner. Yes, the summer officially came to a close on the 20th. All the kids had left a few days before and we were put on various tasks and teams to clean up the camp and all the shops. It was an incredibly depressing end; at the beginning it was all staff but we were gettting to know each other, cleaning up the shops with excitement and anticipation, now we were tearing down the welcome signs and putting everything to bed. I had to go to my room and have a good cry after looking at all the empty mattresses in the girls CIT area. Most of the staff left the night of the 19th but I stayed overnight because I had all of my and Jackie's stuff in my car and we both couldn't fit as well. I did not realize I would end up sleeping alone, next to my roommates' beds that were exposed mattresses and emptiness. The next morning I woke up to the sound of rain, silence...it was then I got into my car and got out as quickly as possible. I listened to the same CD over and over and cried all the way to my sister's where I dropped off a good portion of my belongings (god help me) and then met up with Jackie, and then Noah, my friend who I am staying with now until the 4th.

So the plan was to start looking for a job that I began wholeheartedly but the summer does not want to end. A huge contingent of camp people are visiting the city, and then there are the ones who live here...I have gone out almost every night since I've been back. The girls (there's a phrase I never thought I'd use) took me out to dinner for an early birthday (my friend Amy who planned it was going to visit family in London on my real birthday), I've been catching up with old friends, going to strip clubs with guys from NSYNCH (J does hair and makeup for Rent, Joey Fatone is starring right now, we've hung out a bit), I went to the opening of Joey's night at Rent and the after-party, last night I got a call too late for a ticket to the VMAs. I write all of this realizing how unimpressive and unimportant all of these events are. They are never what you would think, they are either boring or people I would never choose to be friends with having a party. It may have impressed me before LA but I guess I've already done all of those things and I feel like I know better than to expect greatness. Spending time with my friends has been so much better. Collectively my nights have been wonderful and busy, my days have been sluggish as I remind myself every morning that the summer is over and I need to get a job. I continue a series of ongoing run-ins with my past; I ran into a friend of mine from Skidmore who's a producer at MTV literally minutes after having lunch with my friend and talking about how am I going to make this move into music videos when I don't know anyone in production. So when I ran into G and he asked what I've been doing I told him what I wanted to be doing and he said he'd be more than happy to help with that. after the VMAs are over. So I suppose all of these parties are leading to something. I've been trying to pick up photo jobs but they are few and far between. I am shooting B but he makes me so nervous with his preconceived notion of exactly what he wants, the same notion that disables him from ever finishing his CD. I heard his new stuff and yes it sounds really good, but how much longer can this go on? He also kissed me on my birthday which was not fair because I was drunk and asked me the next day (I had a meeting with him about the photos the next morning-I did not go back home with him) if I wanted to get back together. And I couldn't understand why me, why us, we are such an ill-fitted pair that dated when I was a kid and it did not work at all. He also has taken on this father role with Christian so he's kind of part time dad now too. I swear I saw Parenting magazine in his mailbox and he took Christian on all of his school interviews where he just happen to choose a school right down the street. So this notion of us "gettting back together" is absurd and makes me uncomfortable, especially doing photographs for him.

I am so thrilled to be back home. This summer was a good time for me to move far away from the southern disaster and find new roots here. I understand where you are and I hope you have already gotten the job you cannot tell me about now. I cannot wait to hear your music; please do not make the world wait years to hear it. And your plans for the future, are they in London or beyond?

I miss you so very much and as always, wish you were here.

It's like one of those gigantic rainbow lollipops that are bigger than your head and your stomach. The colors swirl in waves and it a different flavor every time I taste it. I am still at N and it's so incredibly gay outside (I get the exemption from my sister). I mean it's like 80 degrees with 100% humidity and there are so many gay couples everywhere. Scoping each other out, walking dogs, wearing better clothes than me--I am so jealous. It's a great neighborhood but I prefer Brooklyn where the tree grows and I get a little sun and air. So I saw ....a poem:


wait around for me
chinatown burns rubber under
canal 4am I carry on
to a shade of tan
an indiscernable color
of how I think I am
to you
if I have been given some thought
between the green and
the square
if I haven't been taken apart
by indiglow blue
if it strikes a chord
i'm good i'm fine
your one line response
is really okay
when we met 14
and now it's almost on time
stalled in port authority
i could climb up pearl river
i would fly up canal
if you meet me
outside

ok...whatever that is....I saw two apartments today...either one would be good I guess. They both have have pros and cons. There was no "oh my god this is it" but the prices are good and I have to invest so much in other things right now. Yoga. Medicine. CE classes. A good foundation. A new wardrobe. Photo equipment. Comfort more than anything else. I see two more places tomorrow and the others said they would make a decision by Tu. If not I will continue looking. Monday I'll make the call and sell myself back to SME but I'm feeling ok about it. The worry is not worth the struggle right now. I'm not feeling as self-righteous at 28. I just want to go back to school. For those of whom it did not work out the first time around-sign here. I'm leaning toward the Slope-not that I have any say in it. Maybe I should call. DZ has been keeping me busy, mildly entertained but it doesn't really fit. A said it's so obvious he likes me so much. I don't see it-I don't want to see it. I want to see AS with a new bed and comforter and walk around the park and just talk. Make him tea and meet his mother. Maybe have somewhere to go for Thanksgiving. It's spinning around my head....it's just a dream morning view. He's too good for me. Really.

Date:	2002-09-04 17:35
Subject:	where angels fear to tread
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

lightly. But how can you in chinese slippers shuffling down Madison and 55th? Never thought I'd be back in this building but crazier things have happened. I'm working, that's all that matters right now. My phone has been ringing off the hook since 8am: A and A are on the verge of severing ties, J and I looked at tiny tiny apartment on Upper Upper West side this morning, phone call from the guy who AW always mistakes for one of my cute male friends, my temp pimp, AN (that's a lot of As but they are different people). Can I be at Sony in like 30 minutes? I can be anywhere that will pay me right now. J and I agreed on one thing: "no" on that apartment. I am seriously considering looking at shares: less money, better neighborhoods (we are not in agreement on places to live), less hassle moving in general. The only drawback, which is a HUGE one is not living with her. I love her so much and we had such a good summer living together but I do fear that if something goes wrong, it may hurt our friendship. However we still have other connections to plug before we decide its not the right thing. Considering the fact that she is comfortable in her apartment while I am couch hopping right now, I need to explore other situations.
This is really what my day has been about. That stupid restaurant around the corner that D took me to for his birthday. Yeah, he was always like that. I remember him calling, and saying he was in the area shopping (of course), and wanted to go out to lunch. I was working for Columbia at the time and only had an hr to spare (or not even-lunch was frowned upon on the 24th Fl) but I met him upstairs and wished him a happy birthday to which he replied, "I have something for you". He reached for my hand underneath the table and closed my fingers around a small black box with silver lettering-Barney's New York. Nothing bad comes out of a Barney's box. I opened up the careful wrapping to discover a dragonfly barrette for my hair in my favorite colors: shades of sea glass and foamy blue waves. He knew me so well. Who gives their girlfriend a gift on their birthday? D did. I miss him so much...every day. So early to say but despite the sadness attached to that memory I am thinking of AS. He called "us" last night, although N knew he was looking for me. He is so damn busy in Boston...he's a freaking law grad student. Where exactly do I fit into that? And then I am going out w/DZ on Friday...this one is not going anywhere but it's distracting me from checking my phone and email 24/7. Some things never change. I am such a sucker. But there is hope: N said AS and I are hopeless romantics. Now that is something I've never heard to describe any of my xs. Keep it light-ok, whatever that means.

Date:	2002-09-01 02:29
Subject:	what, is he too normal for you?
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Dashboard

is what Noah said to me recently when discussing whether I should go out on a second "date" with N. Not that the first qualified as a date; I didn't agree to one but I got it. Noah also said that I look better than I have in a long time which I deeply disagree with. Before this summer I was in great shape from religious yoga and pilates, sunshine, and laborious jobs. Oh, yeah and using D as my punching bag. I am now in between hair colors, have lost the definition in my stomach and my tan from spending eight weeks in a dark room. Even so, I feel like someone said I am a good stock to invest in right now. Which is so not true. I do not have my life in order here yet. I don't have my home yet, my room, my nightstand, my phone number, my address....I need those things to feel like I've hit home plate. And I'm getting there, we just need this month to pull it all together. I thought this summer was the time for me to meet someone and no one was a match. It was a matter of making something happen for the sake of being there otherwise it would feel like a missed opportunity. What the girls always reminded me was that I needed someone good but that did not mean I had to force it now. So this is now and I am out with A at Yama clutching my phone because I met someone good and they are leaving for Harvard Law today. By the time we made it to the movies, I had missed the call and he had gone into voicemail. So I sat in front of Poll Position in front of the theatre entrance and cold called him back. No recited lines, no rehersal time, but I had already said it in my head, "Last night made me wake up at 4am and wonder why we met now when you are leaving, why there was a million times we just missed knowing each other because we share best friends and BR, and that makes us feel as if we have known each other forever. This feels unfinished so is it? And what J told you when you asked her if you wanted to date me, could you ask me instead because she misrepresented me." So that's kind of how it came out and I asked was it strange that I called and he said no, he knew I was going to call or he was going to call me because this afternoon we never talked about the kiss. And the he said the kiss was good and I agreed but unfinished. So he said let's take this slow-let's keep talking and writing and see what happens. And if I wanted to talk more then call him back tonight or anytime tomorrow and I wished him happy packing and said I needed to go before I missed the entire movie. So I don't know what I have right now, I don't think it is a friends lets keep in touch but you are here and I am there so let's see what happens now. Maybe someone else can decipher this. Both J and N will have their insights but I kind of feel like I don't really want to find out more about him through other people. I want to discover that on my own. I know this is so ridiculous but Nae's cards said the love blossoming was someone who was an acquaintance, or perhaps a friend, was is very gentle and kind. And he is so that to the point at which I don't feel that I am good enough for him. It's not the drama but it's the infinate sadness of my situation that can never be turned around to look like anything but sorrow. And it doesn't define me but it can't go away because family usually factors into so many occasions.

Today I meet I for brunch in Cobble Hill and I am hoping he will have some good ideas for me about my photo card and the site we've discussed. Jobs would be good too. Which reminds me I need to follow up with the celebrity wax guy-I really played my cards well on that one and got that job. He said my work was exactly what they were looking for so that made me feel like I could send out my card while I make a new one. I need to at least choose the images before I leave N's. This work thing has got to become my first priority. I have a feeling things will begin to shift when I am in Cobble Hill and I will need to be out of I's way.

Date:	2002-08-30 15:14
Subject:	some other beginning's end
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Semisonic-The Great Divide

I am back home. Not south. Not North in the southern sense. Just in the city, back to roots that grow deep and hold strong. The summer was great and a chapter I could not share w/LJ due to the limited time on computers, and seeing as I taught all day and night, there was very little time to do anything outside of that little bubble. Now I am back piecing it all together wondering what's the glue. I wish my work schedule was nearly as busy as the social one. I have been busy since the day I got back and I am picking up freelance jobs here and there but not with people who have money to spend. I have a few more days on a computer with everything I need to make a photo card except Quark; does anyone know a bootleg version (like Gimp for Photoshop)? I'm sitting around with all these images and no design program and time is feeling wasted. Otherwise I am happy, looking forward to moving in with my friend in October, or sooner. Hope everyone on LJ has had a wonderful summer. Nice to be back home here too.

Date:	2002-05-24 00:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thankful
Music:	laundry drying

I don't have much to say. Again I have moved, and moved again, to places I cannot say and will not reveal for my safety. I am working which is steady money and backaches. The pain in my abdomen has returned and my period is early even though I am on the pill and it should be regular. I bounce back and forth every day like a ping pong, swinging-sometimes hitting sometimes missing. Him, I don't really that much. The companionship and some one, anyone, to be there no matter what condition they are in still plagues me because being alone should always amount to something better than that-the yelling, lying, deceit, boredom, carelessness, unthoughfullness, and then the pushing that sent me to new addresses and unfamiliar homes, shower pressure, beds, thread counts...I have been forturnate to have a bed, and more than just a place to rest my head. There has been immense help and open doors. I only wish that translated into developing relationships but this town, although more progressive than the other, is simply not for me. The countdown continues as I cannot even fathom Connecticut in the summer completely detached from this, and the rest of it all-life and the inherent responsibilities that come along with being a part of it all.

J is coming to ATL on the 4th and I have never been so happy to see a friend-I am literally counting the days. Careful with money, trying so hard to be responsible and take care of all before I leave here. All I do is work and dream, sleep and try to eat. Count money and calendar days, waiting to flip over to the next month where the chapter begins anew-number 44. Lee is coming down after I leave-he's playing nearby and Luna is my bosses favorite band, which is amusing since we dated back in 97 and 99 but I'll be gone by then.

I'm knocking on wood and praying the only way I know how that I am safe and healthy. I thank everyone who opens their doors to help almost strangers-it reminds me to never stop believing that there will always be someone to look out for one another. Trust is a fragile flower, but if you feel that its yours than you must believe it is ok to let someone take some of the weight.

Night all. Despite the ugliness, I am truly blessed.

Date:	2002-05-22 01:54
Subject:	days of our nights
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty

He's not my kind she says
as she wakes upon a blood stained sheet
he might turn over
but it takes a tragedy to move him
from a dream drenched
mattress to reality

The liquid he pours
tears his insides out
turns her blue eyes brown
she's seen trouble and
seems darker than the
sun gone down without much notice
to the change in color brighness
hue
misplaced illumination
somewhere between the skie and the earth

its peeling the primer
from the the ceiling
another night finding
him crawled up on the floor
my god
who gave birth to you today?

It's gotten to heavy to answer
anymore.

Date:	2002-05-22 01:35
Subject:	oscar and the thread count
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	incubus-morning view

10:24 and by your standards
I'll be just fine
it's flat fitted
a cheap thread count
and your polyester queen
has made a bed for me to lie

This place has roots but no
branches
I hang from the last limb
and catch my own fall
as your queen tucks in the uneven edges
I pull out just in time
praying I haven't woven
myself into your corsely spun tale

I'll take the fall and make it without
cracking the frame
even if it shatters your simple plan
to blame and defame me
when it comes to selling time
wasn't I there to undress and crawl
into my skin
another rental
another property
sold and closed
down

shake your monkey maker
Celebrate dizzy
I'm not alive.

Date:	2002-05-22 00:48
Subject:	bearing with me and micro works
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	rebecca hart project-sigh

sorry me

This begins without much formality
The lights have escaped me
and I'm missing details
since I've bitten the bitter earth dry
sorry me

Ask me again if I'm ok
Tell me how sorry you really are
And I just thought that's what you
wanted to hear from me

And I'll tell you the weather's bitter from my breath
and the strings won't play your songs anymore
cause I've pulled the notes out of the music in
your head
I'll tell you your default is my illness
So you'll just blame me
and let me be hester
hanging from a vericose tree

This goes without much explanation
The ending was everyone's wet dream
The stones were cast way before your last
big push on the big screen

Think you'll pick me back out when you
are ready to confess this madness
peels the labels off the bottles
turns me blank and blue
sorry me
I can't wait for life to resume

sorry its short
and not very sweet
sorry there's nothing avert my eyes
this time
sorries are unmade beds
slept in and out of
sorry you can't blame your misery on
me this time

D informed me this morning that we need to go to a nighttime wedding tomorrow. I asked him to ask his mother what kind of wedding it was to figure out what to wear but he improvised with "So Thalia was wondering what she should wear?", and his mother said "Think Sunday school". Should I be insulted? I never went to Sunday School. She really does not like me even though D swears she does.

Question: Is it ok to wear a white suit to a nighttime (or anytime) wedding? I thought the white might be reserved for the bride, and the virginal. I think I'm going to wear white tailored pants, a black lace shell (kind of), and a black jacket. I'm not the floral dress type. Does that sound ok? I have no idea-I've only gone to a few weddings-my friends are not the marrying young type.

Date:	2002-04-12 21:02
Subject:	nice day to start again
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow

It poured on my job hunt, as I went up and down Broad and Market Street today. Truth be told, I did not stop everywhere, I kind of did circles around the restaurants until I pulled myself together and asked for an application. I sat down with the manager of Greyfriar's, a little coffee and tea shop on Market, and pretended to be interested in a job as a baker, 5:30 AM every morning. Of course it didn't pay that well either and honestly, if it was in town, I would take it. I do hate to pretend and waste people's time, but I think that they may have something else besides that sleep deprived situation. The sushi place is my favorite: light dishes, minimal clean up, small restaurant and staff, and GOOD sushi. Their application looked like this:

SS#
First Name:
Middle Name:
Last Name:
Nickname:
Address:
Phone Number:

Thank you.

I swear that was all. No pages and pages of previous employment, no references, or where I went to Grade School. Huh. I applied to 3 restaurants and 1 coffeehouse. There aren't that many places and the driving is so bad there-the streets are awful and Tennessee drivers are notoriously terrible. It's hard to drive and look. I hate the drive and look.

Monday I will go back to the other side of town. I have a feeling the only place I will hear from is the baker job. Can't say I'm not trying.

Date:	2002-04-11 22:29
Subject:	antiques and tea
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored

Today was as blank as a blonde's brain. I actually gave in and bought hair dye to cover up my dastardly roots. Damn this town. Honestly I am so bored I have a hard time doing anything these days besides reading. Truthfully, it's usually one day of solid job searching and one day watching the paint peel off the walls.

I'm 300 pages into Joyce Carol Oates Blonde , a fictional account of Marilyn Monroe's life. It's a really good read, JCO is a favorite, and even though the book is over 700 pages, it has yet to bore me. I will have to read a biography after this one, not only to know the facts of MM's life, but also to be in awe of JCO wonderful imagination. I see a lot of myself in JCO's version of MM, how and why she was the way she was. That's vague but the book constantly refers back to one evaluation, the love lost or absent from MM's early childhood and early adulthood, made her deathly afraid of being left, desperately needing to be loved and afraid of failure.

D is totally obssessed with this Grand Theft Auto III game, so I have been spending time reading or on the Internet, doing the job thing. Tomorrow, I'm sucking it up and in, and going up to Chattanooga to apply at some low key restaurants (the kind that I won't be at until 2am in the morning), and a few retail stores like Pier One. I think I can live with myself somewhere like that. There is this place called Antiques and Tea that sounds kind of interesting. I can't find any info on it, whether its a coffee house, restaurant, or what but I'll find out tomorrow. I just need to find something to tide me over for the next few months; I don't really need that much money, I just can't depend on D for everything. I can't buy anything right now.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

They are letting go of the receptionist at D's mother's office. She is co-owner and her daughter, D's sister with the cute nephews, "works" for her as well. D told her to keep me in mind, and she told him that dying my hair all one color might just improve my job search. My hair is naturally dirty blonde. I do not have the money to professionally get my "roots" done right now, nor do I care. I don't even want to justify my roots or haircolor, the way I dress, which is relatively normal, perhaps a little too "trendy" and a little less "ann taylor". I got so angry and D stormed out. I cannot stand being judged like this, every little thing I do here is a topic of some gossip circle. I want to be left alone. I HATE THIS TOWN AND ITS SMALL MINDEDNESS.

I got a call for a data entry position FT @ 8/hr. I couldn't do it. I am completely broke but I could not say yes, I will work at the cable company, 8am-5pm M-F for 8/hr, and not talk to anyone, or have a phone, just fill forms for 8hrs a day. I just couldn't. I would be more miserable than now. We are supposed to start painting the ceilings of that house tomorrow, and if D doesn't start it with me, I'll figure it out myself. He said he settled on 1K with his mother, but I don't believe him.

Please someone tell me: was I crazy for not taking the job?

I just woke up around 11am. D overslept...he was wondering, "Do I sleep this late every day?" and I said no, of course, but my stomach is killing me. He said he was just kidding but he wasn't. He's a terrible liar. Thinking more about Chicago....

I figure if I can't do anything for me, it would be nice to know me better. From the Surveys LJ.....

1.WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND YOUR LJ USERNAME?
It's a Tori ref from From A Choirgirl Hotel. It's basically about being mixed up and the people who try to mix you up.

2. NAME FIVE [5] OF YOUR FAVORITE PIGOUT FOODS.
I am currently obssessed with The Cheese Chex Mix-old standbys: chocolate chip pancakes, dougnuts, anything with chocolate, and biscuits.

3. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A MAKEOVER?
Yes, at MAC in Atlanta (they made me look very scary), and everytime I needed my make-up to look great I would run into Skinmarket in LA-they do free makeovers-its part of their shtick.

4. HAVE YOU EVER WITNESSED DEATH?
No

5. WHAT'S THE LONGEST TIME YOU'VE STAYED OUT OF THE COUNTRY/WHERE?
I've been in the Carribean for a month.

6. ONE THING YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR, TODAY.
Random acts of kindness.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY?
The senior after prom when I was a junior.

8. WHAT IS THE MOST INSANE THING YOU'VE DONE FOR/TO YOUR LOVE?
My father sent me a Valentine's Day card in the mail when I didn't have much money and I was changing jobs in NYC. I was in love with this guy, a musician, who lived in NY, but I knew was playing a show in Boston on V-day. I bought a train ticket with my dad's money and showed up at his show in Boston. He literally almost fell off the stage when he saw me.


9. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING.
I'd like a garden wedding...something magical, whimsical, and I'm sorry but very Martha Stewart. I picked out my wedding dress from a magazine when I was in the 4th grade-I don't have it anymore but I just saw one recently in Lucky Magazine.

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE DOING WHEN YOU ARE 60?
I want a gallery to be having a retrospective of my artwork, living bicostal, and being a great grandparent.

11. WHAT IS YOUR FIRST MEMORY?
I remember this life sized purple teddy bear that used to sit in the rocking chair of my nursery when I was a baby. My father won it at a fair, I guess for my mother...I don't think I was even walking yet.

12. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE QUOTE?
It's the hearts wearing anchors quote from Keeping the Faith.

13. MY FIRST HEARTBREAK HAPPENED WHEN I WAS...
When my father left me when I was three.

14. HOW MUCH MONEY DOES IT TAKE TO KEEP YOU FOR A YEAR?
Keep me what? I can live on less than 15K and still look like I have plenty of money-it's one of my bizarre talents that I kind of hate.
15. DO YOU HAVE ANY WEIRD PREFERENCES?
Food? I like to stick my french fries under my veggie burger bun. I guess that's not too weird. Oh, I put vanilla extract in just about anything.

16.WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? how it seems no matter how old they are, they never seem to grow up.

16. WHAT PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY DO YOU WANT MOST RIGHT NOW?
A new computer, printer, scanner, and an Ipod.

17. NAME ONE TV CHARACTER YOU'D MOST WANT TO BE.
Ummm
18. FAVORITE GEMSTONE?
opal

20. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FLAW?
Procrastination.
21. WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO THIS SUMMER?
Teaching photography to teenagers at an arts summer camp in CT.

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG RIGHT NOW?
wish you were here-Incubus

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DISNEY SONG?
Something there that wasn't there before-Beauty and the Beast

26. WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG? They call it a purse at this age. My wallet, make-up bag, glasses, contacts, pink pill container, tiny satin japanese notebook, hair pins and my good luck.

28. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR WALLET RIGHT NOW?
A dollar ripped in half-it's a bet with my boyfriend.

33. WHAT DO YOU MOST ENJOY ABOUT LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE?
Their clothes and what they are doing, or reading, esp in a subway.

35. WHAT IS YOUR DAILY BEFORE-GOING-TO-BED RITUAL?
pjs, wash face, brush teeth, hair in ponytail, take pills, read

36. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST/FUNNIEST NICKNAME ANYONE HAS EVER CALLED YOU?
Mouse, Mme Potiron

38. WHAT ARE THE MAGAZINES YOU READ ON A REGULAR BASIS?
Lucky, RS, Jane, In Style.

39. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?
A pair of Kisslike boots with a 6in platform I've had and replaced since I was a freshman in college, and my Jcrew black slip ons I got for 7.50 at an outlet.

40. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A HOBBIT, AN ELF OR A DWARF?
An elf...I could make toys for my life.

41. WRITE A LINE FROM ANY SONG.
Looking on, she sings her song, the words she knows the tune she hums...Tiny Dancer, Elton John

Ok...I deleted a few numbers...I was getting bored with myself. Now I need to take this undressed me into the shower bf D comes home again.