If you've posted since my last entry, and didn't email me, I probably took you off my friends list. It happens, it's no big deal. You can still email me if you want and I'll add you back.

I'm feeling a little paranoid. Someone I haven't talked to in forever said that they've been avoiding me because I've been being weird to them. How is that possible if I haven't talked to them in almost a month? I'm sort of worried that someone has been using my screen name to IM people or something. It's very strange.

I'm sorry for not commenting or writing lately, but I am still reading and caring.

A quick summary I suppose.

Most things are better. Some things aren't, but they're not really things I can change.
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I'm sick of guys who only care about what they want.
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I have mixed feelings about staying here. I sort of had my heart set on moving to a new city. I want to stay because there are people I love here, I want to leave because there are people I hate here.
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I don't like how most of my friends think it's perfectly ok for them to be in a bad mood, but I'm never allowed to be in one.
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You, it's interesting how you were nice to me until about a week ago, and then suddenly decided to be not so nice anymore. I'm very curious about what happened. If you hate everyone, that's fine. That's understandable. If it's just me, well, that's not very fair. I don't really deserve that.

Current Music: so what ~ ani

What happened to Tegan and Sara? Since when are they prettygirls who play pop music?

To do list:

Stop being so angry.
Stop hiding hurt with anger.
Stop intentionally saying things to make people mad and push them away. (I do this to everyone I know.)
Stop lying.
Stop being so honest.
Stop stressing over things you can't change.
Stop caring more than you should.
Stop being so needy.
Quit showing emotions so much.
Quit being so cold.
Quit thinking that everyone just wants to hurt you.
Quit being jealous.
Quit taking things so personally.
Start trusting people more. (Maybe. This one will be very difficult. And will I really gain anything from it?)
Find a job.
Find a place to live.

I hate this time of year. All the kids who don't actually live here come back for school and make me feel old. They have all their school friends and are all full of hugs and smiles for each other. I have spent my entire college career sitting in classrooms thinking "I would never willingly spend time outside of this room with any of these people". I start thinking about how much I hate my school and how I'm never going to graduate (am I actually going into my fifth year of college....what is wrong with me?).

Last night I drove around for hours. I thought about picking a direction and never turning back. I would have absolutely nothing to lose. J asks what about my stuff. I tell him it's just stuff, most of which has little sentimental value, and I'd gladly give it all up for a chance to start over. So why did I turn back? I'm going to ask myself that question every day until eventually I get in the car and just drive away from here.

Has anyone noticed how much I've changed? I mean people who actually know me. J, remember how I used to be so emotional? How everything was a huge deal, and I would get all dramatic about it? Whatever happened to that? Was I not ok then, or am I not ok now? My good days and my horrible days seem too similar.

Current Music: dogs and thunder ~ weeping tile

I'll try not to wonder who you're with tonight, but I wish it was me.

Current Music: the darkest season ~ deb talan

Saturdays make me lonely.

I was looking back on a few entries, and I got overwhelmingly honest for a while there. Scary.