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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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10:06 pm - more fun tests
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| Tuesday, February 26th, 2002
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10:13 pm
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For all of you who didn't know what Histrionic means, here's the definition.
Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Haha, this really is me. Ah well, I guess we all have our flaws. Back to work.
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002
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7:56 pm - Psychological fun
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Haha and I just told my mom, who's a psychologist, that I was "diagnosed" histrionic by this thing and she said, "Sounds about right to me." How sad.
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002
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11:19 am - Phase 1
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I had a funny funny night last night. And day. We actually spent fourteen hours with each other. Fourteen hours! That is a long, long time.
Okay, so here's the deal. I have a bunch of little problems with myself (i. e. I don't excersize, do my homework, eat right, etc.) I want to worry about bigger issues, such as finding myself and all that good stuff, but right now all I worry about are the little problems. So, I'm going to fix the little problems first. Once they are fixed, I won't worry about them and I will be left to worry about the bigger problems. I'm hoping some of those will even be solved, like my self confidence. So, phase 1 of my little project is to get on track. I will do this from now until my birthday, which is a little more than a month from now, and hopefully by then I will have good habits.I don't know if there even will be a phase 2, but I've always wanted to really get on track and do the things that I'm too lazy to do, so no matter if there is a phase 2 or not, phase 1 will be good for me. I'm very excited to do this.
I had an extremely funny night last night, but often it was at the expense of other people. I think that lessens it a bit. I don't know. My whole friend situation is confusing, but I don't want to deal with it. Which is better-- having a huge about of somewhat close freinds or a small amount of very close friends? I would say the latter, but you have to commit to one group of friends to do that. And I can't choose, and I don't want to choose, so instead I have a lot of somewhat close friends. Oh well. It will all work out for the best. I have faith.
Romeo and Juliet is crazy. We have an amazingly small amount of time, but its coming along really well. It will be great. You all have to come see it! I really love being student director, but it does make me sad that I don't hang out with people in the cast very much. Oh well, I get to hang out with Mr. Shelby, and that's fun. Haha, I love the New Generation game. But who's the new generation me? I do not know. And who am I the New Generation of? I do not know.
Life is pretty good. I amstarting Phase 1 today. I'm very excited.
current mood:  optimistic
current music: Tick, tick boom
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| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
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12:39 am - i'm fine now guys! don't worry!
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Wow. Not enough sleep maybe? I flipped out. Sorry to all who got the blunt of my flipping out (is that even what I'm trying to say.....sorry to all who were negatively affected by my flipping out.) I'm a little embarrised that I'm such a drama queen. I'm fine now! Don't worry! I love you all!
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| Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
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9:49 pm - "Why would we rather put ourselves through hell than sleep alone at night?"
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| Sunday, January 20th, 2002
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11:54 am - YAAAYYYYYYYY!
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| Sunday, January 13th, 2002
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10:22 pm - GARRRRRRRR
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Okay, so I have had this new wierd problem ever since I downloaded aol 7.0 where I can write anything online. Like, I try to click my mouse and write comments, or search for something at yahoo, and it's impossible. This didn't bother me much, until I realized that it makes it impossible to log in to livejournal. Which means I can never see friends only posts again. Ever. Unless I figure out how to solve this retarted problem. I was wondering why there haven't been any friends only posts in the last, like, month. Agggggggg. I am so frustrated!!!!!!! Somebody who understands computers should com over and fix it! Please!
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| Sunday, December 30th, 2001
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11:09 pm - whoa this is new
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Okay.....I downloaded livejournal on to my computer and now I'm seeing if this works. This is strange and different. I like it....
current mood:  mellow
current music: paul simon
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| Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
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11:30 am
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Sorry Erik. I changed my little mood icon thingy. It's not you. It's me, really. I just can't have the same little mood icon thingy as someone else at this time in my life. I'm not ready for such a commitment. Can we still be friends?
Now, I just want to say that I read Jevana's comments and it seems to me that Jevana, Lorraine, and Adam were all staying home last night. It is not acceptable to stay home on a Saturday night that I am home, grounded, on and not call me. I am so bored!!! Anyone who feels like calling me should.
Actually, being grounded isn't bad at all. I don't really mind staying home, and I'm only grounded until Friday. And Monday and Tuesday are Christmas Eve and Christmas! And tonight and Wednesday night I am going to see Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. And during the daytime, I'm going to finish all my homework. So, come Friday night when I'm not grounded anymore, I will have all my work done and have a whole week to just relax and have fun. Yay!
I really have to do my Christmas shopping today. Uhg. There are going to be very long lines. Well, I should go do that. I need to take a shower.
The real reason for this entry was so that I could show you all my new frog mood icon.
current mood:  ditzy
current music: almost famous soundtrack
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| Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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8:24 pm - I'm going to college!
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I GOT IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am very very very very very very very very very happy.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: Connecticut College music
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| Thursday, December 13th, 2001
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8:30 pm
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I am currently freaking out. In all probability, I will not get into Connecticut College. My record is just not as good as the people in that evil book of people who get into collges. Okay, that didn't make any sense. But I know what I'm talking about. You know....the book in the guidance office of the people who apply and get in, and apply and get deffered, etc.
Anyway. The point is, I shouldn't get in. It wouldn't make logical sense. But I can't seem to convince myself that. I just keep thinking maybe I'll get that big letter. Aaaagghghhgghh. I know I'm just going to be horribly dissapointed. And the bad part is that EVERYONE, who have no fucking clue what they are talking about, are saying, "No, you'll get in." What the hell good does it do me if some high school student who knows me really well thinks I will get into college?! So, basically, the worst part of not getting in will be telling people that I didn't get in. I seriously don't think I will be able to handle people's pity.
My room is a mess, and I am totally scatterbrained because of it. I must fix this.
One wonderful thing in my life lately: Genny. We have started talking online a lot lately, which is wonderful because I miss her so much, and she was one of the absolutly most influential people in my life. She is amazing. Its so wierd to explain who she was to people....you kind of have to hear the whole story to really understand. Like, the two of us were like the straightest girls ever until we met each other. I wish I saw her more often. I hope she's doing okay. She says that she and Joby are doing a lot better now.
I got pissed at Dan today. We get in fights all the time now. Yesterday, he got mad at me because I said goodbye to Grayson as they were getting out of the car, but I didn't say goodbye to him. How much is that the most retarted thing? arg. Boys are stupid. Really stupid. gah. I have problems. Maybe I am a lesbian. Maybe that would make it easier. No, no it wouldn't.
I don't know why I don't update more. I think I'm just too damn lazy.
Romeo and Juliet auditions soon. I want to be a main part, but there are no parts that I think I would be good at it. So, I basically just want to be student director. That would be really fun. But actually, I don't really care. I want the cast list to be up already. It will be lots of fun, I think. Wow, once I get the connecticut letter and the romeo and juliet cast list....I will have nothing left to wonder about. hmm.
If anyone has any idea who I should try out for in Romeo and Juliet- please tell me! (I. e. who I would I be remotely good at- and no "you wouldn't be good at anyone" jokes, please. I'll probably be depressed about not getting into college by the time I read your comments.) Thanks a bunch!
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| Sunday, November 11th, 2001
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11:41 am
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Erik: I would love to go see Harry Potter with you! Make sure you don't see until you come down here for Thanksgiving Break. Oh, and, our mood icon thingy is the best. Yay us!
Let's see. My life is actually pretty uneventful. This weekend has been and will be anything but relaxing- I have to write three essays for Connecticut College. I'm almost done with my personal statement (I just have to think of a cute last line) which is a huge load of my back. As soon as I'm done, I'll post it up here. So I have two days left and two essays left. Plus hours ofhomework. Yuck. I actually spent last night working on my essay. Who's a big loser? Yes. I am.
Yesterday Chelsea took me to the rope swing. She made fun of me that I was to scared to go off it. We also spent a few hours getting coffee after school on Friday. It's been so long, and it's wonderful to hang out with her again. We've always been able to talk to each other about anything, and, somehow, that didn't go away when we drifted apart. It's really great. I'm so glad we're hanging out again.
I saw Wonder Boys last night. That is a great movie. I reccommend it for everyone. (To everyone?) Anyway, it's really good.
Well, I guess that's it.
Oh, and everyone should listen to "You look wonderful tonight" or whatever it's called, by Eric Clapton. Oh man, that is a great song.
current mood:  artistic
current music: eric clapton
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| Wednesday, November 7th, 2001
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8:45 pm
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I found this girl's livejournal while I was randomly looking through people who have similar interests as me, and let me tell you: she rocks my world. Her name is Sylvia and she goes to Dartmouth. And she is just cool. I like her. I'm going to email her I think.
Who wants to go see the Harry Potter movie with me? It'll be fun! Yay! Please...
I can't wait for Romeo and Juliet. I wish I was in a play right now. It's been such a long time. I really miss it.
I've been extremely vapid lately. I need to start carrying on interesting conversations (that is, deeply interesting conversations) instead of this pleasuring, fun, sexandboyandgirlandgossip conversations.
I need to write more. Last year I wrote all the time. I wrote songs and poems and stories and all kinds of fun things. This year I talk online and lie around doing nothing. Agh, I'm wasting my life away.
Here is the first poem I've written since the summer.
sometimes, all alone and it's night
and I forget that if I throw almonds at the moon
they won't go far enough to hit it
nothing like almonds to drown sorrows, yeah
just one of those night, I guess
perfect for ice cream
there isn't any, of course, and
you don't really want to eat that crap anyway
'cause like ice, you're melting away
and you just keep looking at the two pieces you've fit together,
wondering why you can't seem to do anymore of this goddamn puzzle
even if you finish it, you'll still see the lines
reminding you of your pieced apart history
just one of those nights, I guess
maybe if I could stop time, I would
walk around and see
real people, like stars
one star, two stars, three stars, three people, different people
but right now, I'm so crowded by
people in groups, together, like almonds
and I'm terribly lonely
Sorry that made the entry so long.
current mood: apathetic
current music: bob dylan
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| Sunday, October 28th, 2001
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7:35 pm - i like the word "lovely"
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I'm bored.
Only Niamh would understand the full meaning of that statement. Niamh and I have way too much in common.
I want to be anti social. I'm so sick of people. I want to be a recluse, and just do homework and write and draw and dance and such. I wish I didn't need anyone else. I think I'm going to cry.
You know what I really wish? I wish I didn't do everything for everyone else. If I was a recluse, then I wouldn't have to worry about what other people thought, or what other people wanted. And I wouldn't ever compare myself to anyone else.
I think that's my problem with Dan. I think, oh god I don't know, but I think I'm only with him for him. Like, as a favor to him. I'm giving him what he wants; I'm making him happy. Am I happy? Not really. I'm okay. But I'm not really happy. I don't know anything. I'm too sad to cry.
Crying is so romantic. It's beautiful. That's why I never cry, I guess.
Wow. This is the most depressing entry I've ever written. Let's see, something good. I wrote a really nice college essay today. My mom hated it. She was like, "Well, this is very well written but it's no good because colleges want blah blah blah."
The homecoming court depressed me. The girls are cool, so that's cool. But I really wanted Raizin to be on it. I would have been so impressed by Gunn if he had. And now I owe him a dollar. Damn.
Emily Feldstein called me. Weird. She called about Safe Ride. I signed up because I was sitting next to her at Club Day. How do I tell her I don't acutally want to be part of it? Oh man, I'm such a loser.
Hey does anyone know what song Vanilla Ice ripped off? The dee dee dee dee dee dee dee one?
I went looking through livejournal today and added a whole buch more people to my friends. It's so weird how many people have it now. When did that happen?! I would like to state that, other than the real first (Raizin, Ryan and Emika) I was definitely one of the first. I'm happy that more people have it, though. It's cool.
I feel better now. Thanks, livejournal.
Not that I don't absolutely love you, Brian, but wasn't that livejournal about a week ago supposed to be your last? Haha, Raizin was right. That's hilarious.
I don't know if I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I'll have to think about it. I like the word "beautiful," though. And "squint." Great words. And, of course, I like the word "lovely."
current mood:  bitchy
current music: some crap
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| Wednesday, October 10th, 2001
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6:00 pm - i just couldn't stay away
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Hello Livejournal.
Well, for a while there I was too cool for livejournal. I guess I'm not anymore. I just couln't stay away.
I had a pretty terrible day in school today. The year started so good. I was doing all my homework, working really hard, losing weight, feeling great about myself. Now I am so bogged down by all this fucking work I have, that I eat all the time. Which, of course, only creates more problems. I'm sick of a lot of the people at gunn. I can't wait to get out and go to college.
My guy situation is retarted right now. Retarted. I'm so sick of guys. I'm so sick of myself. I don't feel like going into it right now, and plus, most of you already know it anyway. Maybe I'll do a friends only entry about it later. Basically, I want to move on with my life. I'm over it. I'm ready to move on. But, of course, that would be completely inappropriate. And I don't really have anywhere to go. Or anywhere I particularly want to go, for that matter. I jsut wish he would get over it.
Livejournal is cool. I think it's sucked me back.
To all my friends at college: I love and miss you dearly. Hope you are happy. Drop me an email sometime.
current mood:  lonely
current music: a cd dan made for me
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| Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
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10:02 pm - this is so exciting!
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Wow! I'm actually going to update my livejournal! I haven't updated this thing in SO long; I've been really busy and lazy. Life is pretty cool right now. I'm really nervous for the SATs, and that's pretty much all I'm thinking about right now.
I hate when people annonomously post! It's so annouying! Then again, I got inspired to write in this thing again.
I also hate when you're sort of interested in someone and then they think you're in LOVE with them, so they act all cocky and annouying. Never assume someone likes you! They probably don't!
I had a cool talk with my mom tonight. She can be really neorotic and obsessive and overbearing sometimes, but she's a good person and she's trying really hard to do the best for me. Parenting must be SO hard. There are so many ways you can go wrong...and really screw everything up. God, my parents are so obnoxious sometimes though. My mom called me fat today. It really hurt my feelings.
I can't wait for the Dispatch concert! It's soon! Oh my god, it's going to be awesome. I'm so glad I've been hanging out with the Ashland crew so much lately. I had an incredible night last Friday. We all told our first kiss stories, which were all adorable, and basically just laughed for the whole night. I hadn't laughed like that in a really long time. I mean the kind of laughing where you actually can't stop, the kind where you start thinking about it driving home alone a week later and start laughing histerically and all the other people in the cars around you see you and think you're wierd. I love that.
Everything sort of feels surreal now. I can't believe the seniors won't be here next year. I wonder what it will be like.
Okay, I'm going to make a concertive effort to write in this more often. (I know that's not going to happen, but I can try.)
current mood:  anxious
current music: Dispatch!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Thursday, April 12th, 2001
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11:35 am - Grounded Again
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My parents found out that not only did I lie about sleeping pver at Lauren's house and I was really sleeping over at Ryan's house with no parents, I hadn't done any homework this winter break. I mean, I did a little, but I have a LOT and I didn't do nearly as much as should have. So I'm grounded. Again.
I had this long involved talk with my parents last night about how they are worried about me and I can't seem to get my act together and all that junk. Which is pretty much true. I guess its nice that they actually care about me. But since I'm sort of an only child (I have half siblings who don't live with me) I get WAY too much attention from my parens. Huh, I never thought I'd be complaining about too much attention. But there it is.
Anyway, my dad is taking me on a vacation up the cost to Santa Cruz or Half Moon Bay or somewhere to have a change of scenery for a few days. It'll be good because I really will get my work done and since I'm grounded it's not like I have anything better to do. It'll be good to spend some time with my dad, too. He's a pretty good guy.
I just finished packing, so we're going now. I'm not even sure if we have a reservation, since he just thought of going today. I'll be back by Saturday night, so all my friends that are reading this: I'll see you in a few days. Bye!
current mood:  determined
current music: dispatch! (duh)
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| Tuesday, April 10th, 2001
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12:03 pm
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My fiends are at the beach right now. Having a really good time. But of couse I didn't work at all this quarter so I have a shit load of make up work to do. And am I doing it right now? Hell no. I'm writing in this stupid thing. I should have just gone to the beach. But, actually it's good that I didn't go, because my mom thinks I'm being responsible now.
I spent all day yesterday downloading Dispatch off of Napster. I now have around thirty Dispatch songs on my computer, and they only ever recorded forty seven. So I'm set for the concert. I'm going to know like every song they sing. I really cannot wait..I haven't even asked my parents yet. I'm going to cry if they don't let me go. They better.
I haven't really done anything this break. I've kind of just been bumming around, tired and boring. It's really good to have a break from school though, even though I have so much work.
As I'm writing this, I realize that I have nothing interesting to talk about. Nothing intesting is going on in my life at all.
I can't wait for this summer. I wish I was a senior, going off to college next year. College is going to be so much better than high school.
My sister left for Nepal, Thailand and Japan a few days ago. She is the coolest girl in the world. I wonder if she knows how much I idolize her. She probably does.
My room is such a mess. I think that might contribute to my lethargic attitude. I really need to take a shower and get something done today. It's such a beautiful day today, and I haven't even gone outside. Okay, I'm going to be productive now.
current mood: groggy
current music: dispatch....i'm obsessed....
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2001
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2:58 pm - I can't think of a subject
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Thank god spring break is soon. Yay!!!!!!!! It's been a really long time since I had this long a time (a whole week) just at home chilling and partying with my friends. It's going to be great! Actually, what I'm most excited for is working on my music. I have three songs that I'm almost done writing that I really want to work on and some others that I have ideas about. Every night this week I've been working on two new songs. One's called "Fingertips," and I was going to call the other one "Saving Grace" but I'm sure that must be a name of a song already. I'm really excited. Music is the most incredible part of my life. I absolutely love it. Oh my god, I'm SO excited to have time to really work on it this spring break.
Everyone is talking about prom. I decided I don't want to go. I had a lot of fun last year, but that was because so many of my friends were there. Hardly any of my friends are going this year, and I don't really have anyone specific that I like so I just don't really have any desire to go. Although, it would be fun. God, there's so much drama around prom. I keep hearing about all these crazy deformed love triangles. Poor Avi bought this beautiful necklace and he's going to give it to Niamh and ask her to prom and I think she's going to say no. I feel so sorry for him. He seems really lonely.
Niamh and I had a really great phone conversation last night. We are kind of both going through similar things right now, and we totally related to each other. A lot of people don't like her, and she can be annouying at times, but she's a good person and we get along well. It was awesome to be able to talk to her about stuff that I don't really talk openly to anyone else about.
When I lived in Boston, I had this best friend for ten years named Jenna. When I moved here, I used to call her a lot. I was jealous of her then, because she was really popular and all the guys liked her and she used to hook up with hot guys every weekend. Whenever I called her, she had really long and interesting stories about the guy that she had hooked up with most recently and I never had any stories. I mean ANY. Sometimes I made up stories, but then I would forget what I had said, so I stopped doing that. As I got older and cooler and smarter, I stopped calling her as often (she NEVER called me) bacause I stopped thinking she was cool. I started realizing how pathetic her life was. In Belmont, which was the town I lived in, the term "small minded" would have been an understatement. They were tiny minded. The kids there are so dull! All Jenna ever talks about are guys that she has hooked up with. That's ALL she talks about. That's all her life is. I started getting more and more disgusted with her lifestyle, and now don't even have intentions of ever speaking to her again. So anyway, she called me for my birthday, and two days ago I returned her phone call. It was the first time I had spoken to her in probably over a year. It's only when I talk to Jenna that I realize just how much moving to California has made me a completely different person. I mean, she is the exact same person that she's always been. And at one point, we were exactly the same, or at least I was a weaker impression of her. But now we are completely different. And I always feel so cool when I talk to her. I'm so much more interesting than she is! I know that's really bitchy, but it's so true! Our phone call was really short because this college guy that she had hooked up with last weekend called and asked her out so she had to get off the phone. But what was so funny about our conversation is that I realized some positive aspects of her culture, which I never thought was possible. There was something so simple about the way she was living her life. Like, if someone called me who I hadn't talked to in over a year, and then a guy on the other line called and asked me out, I would feel obligated to talk to the first. But Jenna just knew that she felt like talking to the guy. None of this "what am I supposed to do" shit. She did what she wanted to do. More power to her. It was really interesting. I mean, I couldn't help myself from smiling after getting off the phone from her. I don't even know why, except that it probibly has to do with the fact that I am so happy I moved here. Ha ha, as she was telling me this story about how she had to say no to the first guy who asked her to prom because she knew this other guy was going to ask her, a third called on the other line and asked her to prom and she had to say no! There was definately a time when I would have given anything to be just like her.
Ever since Ashland, I've felt very unmotivated. Like, all I want to do is create art. I don't care if it's music or theater or writing, but that's all I want to do. I'm starting to get back into the swing of things, thank god, but it was really hard. I have to do really well this semester so that I don't regret not trying out for one acts.
Gavi and I talked about hanging out over spring break. That'll be really great. I'm so glad that we're maintaining our friendship, because she's a really awesome girl.
I'm going to be house manager!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!
current mood:  thirsty
current music: counting crows
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