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Saturday, February 23rd, 2002
2:38 pm - What?
Today feels weird and I don't know why. I think I'm still not liking last night, and I won't totally feel better til I see Ben and Marie again. Sigh.

This is besides the fact that I really don't have anything to do but look for them. Perhaps I should consider getting a life... not that there's anything wrong with my Arizonian friends, I just sometimes think it odd that my best friends are a few thousand miles away from home, and I've never seen either of them face to face.

I wish I knew how I felt right now. I really can't figure it out.

Oh yes, I tried some writing last night, but it somehow totally escaped me. Nothing seemed right, it all sounded so bad, so I didn't write a single word. A very nasty feeling, failure is.

Kyoto Now!
We can't do nothing and think someone else will make it right.


current mood: discontent
current music: Kyoto Now! : Bad Religion

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1:34 am - Insomnia.
So late, and I feel so awake, so alive. I love the night.

I had to leave Ben and Marie earlier tonight because my mom was expecting a call. It never came. So I got back on like two hours later, to find both of them gone... I feel bad, I think they were expecting me. I said that I'd be back within a half hour, which I should have been... I hope I can sort things out tomorrow. =/

Night is also my creative time. I might get to writing tonight. Yes, I think I will...

What's right is wrong, what's come has gone,
What's clear and pure is not so sure,
It came to me.
All promises become a lie,
All that's benign corrupts in time,
The fallacy..
Of epiphany.


current mood: guilty
current music: Epiphany : Bad Religion

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Friday, February 22nd, 2002
6:32 pm - Guh.
Little slow on the entries lately. Been a bit busy. Had to write three application essays for Summer Scholars all last night, yerg. Not fun. And took me forever because Ben and Marie were distracting me. ::glare:: Hehe.

Now that a bunch of my school stress is gone, I'm feeling pretty good. Maybe happy even, which is rare. If I can see Marie tonight, and Ben too, I'll be really happy. Yay. I love friends.

Brian's pretty funny:
'Hey Chris, what'd you get on the test?'
'97.'
'..Come here. I need to smack you.'

And of course, I went over and let him smack me around a bit. But it's all good, we hugged and made up after. And I gave him a lil smack too, bwahaha.

I've been wanting to write some poetry lately. A good subject came to mind (wonder what it could be.. ^_~), so I've felt a bit inspired. Hope it turns out okay, I've never really written anything before.

..Waiting, waiting, for my Arizonian... erm... yes, Arizonian friends... la dee da.

I wish Arizona was like, down the street.

I want someone to know me..
Maybe tell me who I am.
As I face down my demons,
And cry out to a god,
A god I've never seen.

And the world.. darkens around me.
Strange friends.. all surround me.
New ideas in my head start to burn.
Dropped out of school 'cause of things I never learned.
'Cause the world darkens around me, yeah.
World darkens around me.


current mood: peaceful
current music: Darkness : Third Eye Blind

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Wednesday, February 20th, 2002
9:18 pm - Life goes on...
I've been so emotionally screwed up lately, blah. And to add to it, I've had huge stress from school. Big History assignment was due today. And I have to write three essays for my Summer Scholars application by Friday. Just frickin' wonderful. I need a break. I need the world to stop and leave me alone so I can sit down and rest my mind, collect my thoughts, sort out my feelings. But nope, no such luck. The world goes on, whether I like it or not. I hate you, world. Bah!

Bend me, break me, any way you need me,
All I want is you.
Bend me, break me, breaking down is easy,
All I want is you.


current mood: frustrated
current music: I Think I'm Paranoid : Garbage

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Monday, February 18th, 2002
6:03 pm - So the weekend ends...
Long weekend's almost over... this is often a time I get depressed... I'm trying not to though. And amazingly, it's not too hard today. I suppose I should explain... to whoever cares...

I'm really lonely. And I hate being lonely. The weekend just brings this up a whole lote more, a whole lot bigger, right in my face: nobody called, didn't go out and do anything, just wasted time sitting here in front of the comp, like some hopeless, uncared-about excuse for a human being. So when Sunday night comes around, I sit back, reflect, and look at another pitiful excuse for a weekend passed me by... and I hate my life. I feel trapped, hopeless: I want caring, I want warmth and love in my life, but what can I do? I want fun, good times, friends to hang out with: how do I get them? I want a girlfriend, I want a best friend, people I call and talk to every day, and share my feelings and my life with: how can I make that happen? I don't know. I just don't know. And it makes me feel terrible, not knowing what to do, so powerless, trapped in this life as I am. It really sucks. Just writing about it is getting to me, I can feel my insides writhing with hurt, blackening with depression... it's not pleasant. Not one bit.

But today seems different. True, this was really no different from any other weekend: still nobody called, still didn't do anything with anybody. But I think the difference is Marie. I know she's going to read this, and it's going to sound so weird to her... but she makes me happy. She's one person who seems to genuinely like who I am, not just talking to me to be polite, or to throw up an image of kindness, being nice to the pitiful unsocial guy... nothing like that. The first time we talked, she said I seemed like a nice guy, more than once at that. And ever since then, it's been great... we've talked about this and that, serious stuff and goofing off, I love it. Marie, I think, has made my weekend happier. I feel... alright now. Not sad. Not lonely. I may be making a big deal out of something that's hardly there, but Marie... I feel like she cares. She set me up with the whole livejournal idea, and she's offered her support and help should I need it. She's taken the time to listen when I was rambling on about my silly prom date issues, and whatever else I felt I needed to talk about. And on the same note, I feel I care about her in return. I don't know exactly what to do about this... I suppose the best I can do for now is talk to her, see what she thinks of this entry, and such. Other than that... I have no idea what's going to happen. But what I do know is that Marie is exactly the kind of person I want in my life. I just hope she can be there for me.

Yeesh. Superlong post. If anyone actually reads all that, sorry, and thanks. I'm just feeling a bit mixed up emotionally over everything in my life lately, and need some sort of outlet. What better place than this?

current mood: drained

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2:43 pm - Ooh ooh.
Picked a nice pic for my user icon thingie. Yay. It came out the tiniest bit distorted, but it's alright. Can hardly notice. I think.

Listening to my new old Weezer album, whoo. Buddy Holly is so darn cheery, it put me in a pretty good mood just hearing it. Good thing too, 'cause I'm still a bit mixed up in the head. Sigh. Arizona should be closer. And how do I tell my parents? 'Oh hey mom... uh... can I go to Arizona for spring break? I'll be good.' Heh... yeah, that oughta be fun. But I better do something quick, March is coming awfully fast. Damnit... stress... even weak stress.. rargh. Lemme listen to Buddy Holly again... ahhh...

Ooo eee ooo, I look just like Buddy Holly,
Oh, oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway,
I don't care 'bout that.


current mood: okay
current music: Buddy Holly : Weezer

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11:09 am - Wakey wakey.
This is actually quite early for me to be getting up, on a non-school day. Yaaawn. Ah well, I've had a lot on my mind lately, so I've been a bit restless. Maybe writing will help..

I'm thinking of going to Arizona for spring break. Why? My best friend Ben lives there, and being that we met via the internet and I've never seen him in person, I've wanted to visit for the longest time. It's come up even more lately, since I've recently met his girlfriend Marie.. we've talked a few times, and I'd really like to be better friends with her, she's really cool... so spring break seems optimal. Ben'll be leaving for college this fall, so I couldn't manage to visit both of them in one trip after that... summer's a possibility, but this is Arizona we're talking about... I'd fry so bad. So all is well, I can visit the end of March, weather's nice, friends are there, I'll have an awesome time. No worries, right? Ah heh. Far from it. Quite frankly, I'm scared. I've never been in a plane before, that's a biggie. The farthest I've ever been from home is Vermont, and even then I went with family. In fact, I've really never gone anywhere without family or close friends by my side. If I go through with this, I'll be traveling a few thousand miles across the country on my first flight ever, all alone. It's a terrifying thought, believe me. But I so want to go... I'm going to try as hard as I can to do it. It's an opportunity I may never get again, and I'm sure it'll be worth everything and anything I have to go through. Sigh.. what am I gonna do?

On another note, I feel weird writing so much and knowing that nearly nobody's going to read it. But I'm going to keep writing like this... it feels good, pretending people will see my thoughts. Yay self-delusion. Always a good friend.

current mood: intimidated
current music: nothing

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Sunday, February 17th, 2002
10:08 pm - Hmm.
I think I like this color/style setup. Especially the ice pink link highlight, really nice. Gonna see what Marie thinks though, she offered to help, and I don't wanna just do it myself, feel like I'd be rejecting the kindness.

I need more people reading this journal... maybe I'll tell some people to myself, but kinda want some random people to read it too. Filled in my interests, maybe someone'll find me by that... hope so. I'm so lonely. u_u


Demons in my semen
(Okay, really weird quote, but it's actually a really good-sounding rhyme. Oh well.)

current mood: satisfied
current music: CD : Blood Sugar Sex Magik : Red Hot Chili Peppers

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8:42 pm - Nah nah nah, nah.
Yo. Not a whole lot to write, I just wanted to get something in. Playing around a lot with colors and such. Marie's gonna help me, right Marie? Right. I like the darkness, black with blues and purples is nice. Just taking a while to find just the right color, just the right combination. I'm a real perfectionist, yes indeedy. Ahh. Anyway.

I've been working on getting a prom date lately. A few girls in mind, most have boyfriends though. Whoopee. I hope I can find someone... eh... was talking to Rebekah, a senior friend of mine (I'm a junior, yay) about it, and she suggested looking to my senior girl friends as possibilities. She said everyone she's talked to about me said I was nice. And she herself said I was a great guy... that's so awesome. I really needed that. If you don't know already, I seem to have major self-worth issues, and it's things like this that help a lot. But I still don't have a prom date, so I'm not super-happy-overjoyed. Meh. Updates as they come, on the exciting prom date search.


Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner.
Sometimes I feel like my only friend,
Is the city I live in, the City of Angels,
Lonely as I am, together we cry.


current mood: mellow
current music: Under the Bridge : Red Hot Chili Peppers

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Saturday, February 16th, 2002
11:27 pm - First day. Whee.
First entry... woo. For some reason, I love the feel of something new like this, when you're all hopeful and everything's cool. I'm thinking moving-into-new-house feel. I dunno how else to describe it. But I like it.

Well anyhow, I don't really have much time to write today. Ben wants me to go play Emperor, so that's what I'm doing. I'll explain more tomorrow, loyal readers. Er. Reader. Night for now.

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