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Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
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10:19 am
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And a very happy birthday to Jon who is 12 today, and has already opened gifts and started on his birthday cake.
His sister made the cake, and it was a battlefield of army men, many of whom were shot with red frosting gel. A Hershey's Hug made the landmine.
It was delicious.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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10:17 am - S.A.T. TEST QUESTIONS
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The following questions and answers were actually collected from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A:
The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 9th, 2003
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4:58 pm - Related Kidspeak
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Elizabeth calls the "drench" coat a "Grinch" coat. It is a dark green, so that kind of makes sense, but it still cracks me up.
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(comment on this)
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4:39 pm - More ramblings of mine...
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Okay, for all of you who have ever sang this song in Sunday School, did you ever stop to consider whether or not Jesus REALLY wants you for a sunbeam?
We, meaning everyone else, sing this song at my church that goes, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord, open the eyes of my heart..." I don't sing it. Why? It makes no sense to me. My heart, as far as I know, has NO eyeballs. If it does, then I prefer them to be closed, as I might get scared if suddenly I was looking around at the congregation, and saw them and my inner chest wall at the same time.
I'm probably not a very good church attendee, though, even when I don't sing. Generally we sit up front, as the kids like to see, and when the pastor says something I don't agree with, I know my facial expression changes. My eyebrow raises. I frown slightly. If I've remembered my Bible, I might start thumbing through to find out where he's gone wrong in my oh, so humble opinion, and I have caught myself actually shaking my head on occasion.
One such occasion? Well, he was doing this thing on Halloween, and he said, "On Halloween, all the Satanists and Witches are out, looking for children to massacre as sacrifices." I missed what he said after that, because I was thinking, "I know a lot of witches. Most of them have kids... most of them might want to kill them on occasion, but I doubt they'd wait for Halloween night.. huh... I wonder where he got his information..." Because if you make a generalization or statement like that and present it as fact, I'd like to hear your data and where you got it. "....and what about the Wiccan Creed? Or is it spelled differently? Isn't that Do no harm? Or is that the doctor's oath? Something about three..."
The other night at church, the dude was up there praying, and he said, and I quote, "We thank you, Lord...(Long, long pause)..for your great big things." This was followed by a small snort from the praying guy. Well, "great big things" started me, the snort got me to really holding back laughter, and when I looked down to see Jon's shoulders shaking with laughter, I SNORTED. The laughter was barreling out of me, and there was nothing I could do about it.
HEY! And on a way different topic, have you ever really thought about the kid's song, "This old man?" What a perv! What's he doing, playing nick nack on someone's thumb, not to mention their knee??? And all that talk about giving the dog a BONE? Then the old man goes rolling home? This song is full of euphemisms for sex! Although, what rolling home stands for, I'm not sure, but if the term "tossed salad" refers to anal sex, well, I can just imagine what "rolling home" means. DISGUSTING. I wish this song would get out of my head!
Paddy WHACK. Hmmm...
On a random kidspeak note:
Jon: Dad? What does a Luiji board look like?
Me: Uh... (picturing Mario and Luigi in an old Nintendo game) do you mean Ouija board?
Jon: LOOK! Somebody brought me a DRENCH coat! I always wanted a drench coat! Can kids even have drench coats??
And that, folks, is another look at the world of Danny and his frightening mind. Stay tuned, I haven't gotten to the post I actually wanted to make in the first place. Today, I feel the urge to ramble about ridiculous things!
Later!
current mood:  confused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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9:50 am - Oh, why not?
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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8:36 pm - Journal Interpretation?
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Okay. This one did crack me up. I have to admit it.
*************************
Sigh. Boyfriend sitting on the pastor, one month. I should know that we'd beg this little girls. They could was Matthew. And said well; we, live and yells excitedly, OOOH!
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| Monday, March 24th, 2003
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6:48 pm
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Last night we were all talking in song titles, which progressed to talking in song lyrics. (We're weird, and big fans of Whose Line is it Anyway, British version) Elizabeth joins in with her AC DC Back in Black lyrics, which go like this:
"Get loose, hit a moose!"
We all start laughing, and then Jon says with full superiority, "It goes, 'Get loose, from a nude.'"
I almost fell off the couch, I was laughing so hard.
Speaking of song lyrics, since the song, "I will survive" came out, *I* thought it said, "Go on now go, whoa commodore" (Thinking perhaps the dude in the song was in the Navy) Imagine the laughter when I sang that out to Dani's CD, and had the kids tell me it says, "Walk out the door." Oh, and in the Mama's and the Papa's song, Twelve Thirty, it does not say, as I thought, "I can no longer keep my mind strong" It is, "I can no longer keep my blinds drawn."
I dreamed last night that I'd gone to visit my friend, Jill, at her house. She hugged me at the door, then informed me that her friends, Mertz and Weber were visiting, too. I was shaking their hands when Jill said, "You have to come see my new bed!" I'm all excited, so we go to check out the bed. Jill bounces on it for a moment, then says....
"Now it's time for you to Chlorox the bathroom! Have you ever done that before?" And she merrily hands me some of those Chlorox wipes so I can go clean her bathroom.
:sigh:: Sex is ALWAYS interrupted by children, and now apparently, by cleaning bathrooms. And I never did get a chance to bounce on the bed.
Jack and I are boycotting Nick at Night since they took off Coach. We walk around chanting, "NO COACH FOR CHEERS!" This is because we need a chant if we're going to fight this atrocity, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense, and we HATE Cheers.
I have noticed some things at the pools we've been to on our travels...
1. There will always be a little boy with one leg of his trunks pushed up to his groin, and one leg down around his knees. This will stay put no matter how much this little boy runs around, swims, etc.
2. There will always be at least one little boy with his hands down the front of his trunks, looking around desperately for a parent to take him potty.
3. If there are 3 teenaged girls there together, two of them will head off to the hot tub, and there will commence to talk about the other one.
4. Every single little girl will have the misfortune of having one side of her swimsuit bottoms crawling up into her butt, leaving one cheek exposed. No matter how often she digs it out, it'll crawl back up. My own daughter is included in this group, of course.
5. One couple will be arguing about something.
6. Someone will be drunk and will slip and fall in the water splashed by the side of the pool.
No. I don't have anything else to do but watch people, okay????
Later, folks!
current mood:  amused
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
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12:36 pm
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Yesterday I was coming back from the pool with the two younger kids, and there were Dani and her boyfriend, sitting on a bench waiting. They looked extremely serious. I said, "Hey, what's up?" They looked at each other for a moment, then looked back at me. Man, my heart just sank. The stuff running through my head... Then Dani said to her boyfriend, "Look, you're the one who wanted to talk to him, so talk!" Now I'm really starting to panic, and my fists are clenching and unclenching. Is she pregnant? Did they run off to get married before he goes to the desert? WHAT?? Boyfriend looks down at the ground. Dani sighs and says,
"He found a bug and wants you to check to see if he has lice."
IS THAT ALL???
I happily checked both their heads for them. Didn't find anything. Apparently boyfriend is extremely paranoid about his hair and things that might end up in it. I'm just glad that's all it was!
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11:41 am
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Want to read a good book? Get "First They Killed My Father." It's written about by a woman who went through Pol Pot's regime as a young girl. It is absolutely chilling. It was in the young adult section at our library, and I don't remember the author's name, but it's really good. Dani checked it out and read it, asked me to read it so I did, and I read parts of it to Elizabeth. (Some were way too intense for her.)
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
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9:01 pm - Life Lessons I've Learned
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1. Don't whine. Things can get worse, and if you've already been whining, how can you fix the problems? So, if you whine, don't waste it on the small stuff, but try not to whine.
2. Not everyone in a homeless shelter is mentally ill or a drug addict or alcoholic. In fact, in the one we were in, there were 3 single fathers, several single moms, and a couple families. Granted, a couple of the single guys were drug addicts or alcoholics, but most of the people there were not.
3. If you're feeling down, look for someone to help out. Drive someone to the grocery store. Listen. Anything to take your mind off yourself.
4. Money is everything, but it's dangerous.
5. If you're hungry enough, you CAN eat cold ravioli and stale moldy bread you begged from a closed food pantry.
6. Study something spiritual. I read everything I could get my hands on when we were in the shelter, from the Bhagdad Goddadivida (I know that's not the real name, but I like saying it that way) to the Bible. I prefer the Bible. You might prefer The White Goddess Discusses Dolphins. (Not a real book, to my knowledge) Whatever strengthens you and gives you hope. Don't just read it, though, actually study it. Get it into your spirit so it stays put. And when things are so bad you want to die, bring that back up out of your spirit and let it renew your strength.
7. Listen to Johnny Cash's new album. Take courage in the fact that this brave soul is still putting out songs, even though he goes off key many times. Realize how truly brave he is as you read the CD liner notes and you see how he talks about his faith, and then... he calls his wife soft and FLUFFY! Brave.
8. When you have nothing, and I mean nothing, sit in a park with some paper and jot notes on what you see, hear and smell. Then, months later, go back and read it and wonder at your ability to see beyond your circumstances for that one moment in time.
9. You can catch more fish with a homemade pole than with an expensive one. (This one is from Jon)
10. Don't stare at the homeless. They are people with feelings and are easily hurt. Most of them are completely shell-shocked. Studies from NY in the 1980's proved that most homeless people are able to work, live completely "normal" lives, and carry on when they have access to reliable medical care and good food. Something is wrong when people in a civilized nation don't have access to this kind of care.
11. Never say, "What if?" Instead, focus on "What now?"
12. Hold your head up. You are worth more than you can possibly imagine, even if you don't believe it yourself.
current mood:  thoughtful
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(19 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 17th, 2003
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8:50 pm
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HA! HA! HA! This one cracked me up. I had ONE piercing years ago in my ear, so I wouldn't look so military, and my ear swallowed the earring so I had to have it cut out. I do, however, try to scare young children at least once a day.
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| Tuesday, July 2nd, 2002
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10:17 pm - Stolen from just about everyone on my friend's list
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1. Which song do you wish was written about you?
Hmmm.... probably that song, "Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way..." or maybe "Road to Nowhere" by Ozzy, depending on my mood at the time.
2. Which book character would you like to have been?
Richard Cypher from the Terry Goodkind series
3. What is the most played cd in your whole collection?
Depends on who's playing the CDs. Sometimes it's Enya or The Corrs, sometimes it's Carman, sometimes it's Ozzy.
4. What's your favourite day of the week and why?
Tuesday. Because I like to say things like, "Tuesday." ::nods:: And no one else chooses Tuesday.
5. What is your shortest relationship?
Do one night stands count as relationships? If not, probably a couple of weeks.
6. How many dead people have you seen?
A lot. My dad was a minister and worked part time in a funeral home. ::shrug::
7. What is your favourite finger and why?
Hmmm.. my index finger. Why? Why not? It's a talented finger.
8. Quote me something from memory..
"God has not given to us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and a sound mind." Somewhere in Timothy, I think.
9. Define 'love' without using a dictionary.
Being able to clean up someone's disgusting bodily fluids and still like them, even if they have puke in their hair.
10. The KLF burning one million pounds, genius or pathetic?
Sheer lunacy!
11. The last thing you said to one of your parents was?
"I'll talk to you later."
12. When was the last time you threw up?
Last Thursday.
13. Please please tell me now, is there something I should know?
Always remove the fork before you try to microwave the turkey. And don't ask.
14. Guess how old you'll live to..
87
15. And on your gravestone it will say?
Oh, I have no idea. Probably something like, "Poor Danny. He always planned to do something spectacular."
16. What is your greatest fear?
I refuse to talk about it.
17. Who is your worst enemy?
I refuse to name names. But he's a pasty faced christian type minister.
18. What colour are your socks today?
white
19. Is fat a feminist issue or a three letter word?
::shrug:: It's a compilation of certain types of cells that stick around on various body parts. It's insulation and a body temperature regulator. There's too much emphasis on body images, and I hate hearing my 8 year old daughter asking if she's too fat, when she's absolutely perfect.
20. What's your favourite colour of spaceship?
silver
21. What color is Marvin the Martian's?
I have no idea. I do know that Patrick on Spongebob Squarepants is a starfish, though. And he's pink.
22. Tom Cruise's brace, 'go Tom!' or 'what a dork'?
I care about as much as that as I do about the stupid furor over the Pledge of Allegiance.
23. Fact or fiction?
A little of both.
24. Found it, found it and lost it, or still looking for it?
Found it and lost it.
25. The livejournal user i most want to hug is?
I want to hug a bunch. But Autumnshawk and Wolfsign are at the top of the list.
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 21st, 2002
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10:24 pm - Random Thoughts and Memories
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It has been one strange, strange week. We got a phone call from my oldest niece. She is the daughter of Vanessa's oldest brother and his ex-wife, and is now 25 with 2 little girls. I guess she's been trying to track down family members, and found us. It was weird,though, talking to her. The last time I saw her she was probably 12 or 13, maybe a little older. She was never around because of the divorce and her mom having custody and all that mess.
And so... I have decided that Elizabeth is a stable gypsy. Yep. It's the only way I can think of to describe her. This is a little girl who would rather go without underwear and socks, but oohs and ahhs over shiny shoes. She spins around and sings to an unseen audience in the backyard, follows her brothers up trees and garage roofs, and then is afraid to come down. She absolutely, positively adores material. My mom is thrilled, because, you see, mom loves fabric and material so much that se collects it, always planning to do something wonderful with these scraps. Elizabeth is now spending time with grandma, running her fingers through the fabric, wrapping pieces around her like scarves, and then begging to learn how to sew. She still believes in fairies, and yet she is my most matter of fact child when it comes to the deaths of animals. Quote: "Well. He's dead! Can we go look at the fish now??" (After a kitten was pronounced dead at the vet's office and all the other children were sobbing) She wants to be a pioneer, but notices commercials that are unfair to women and or men. She doesn't yet realize that women in the 1800's had basically no rights, and they'd better not go out dancing in the backyard without underwear on.
Jewel had written about her brothers and growing up, and I was stunned by some of the similarities. My brilliant, yet really stupid parents used to leave me in charge of my younger brothers and sisters, and we would do horrible things. Once we rearranged the entire house to make an indoor olympics stadium. We would get fireworks and set them off from the backporch, sending them into the woods beyond the house. One time we were setting off bottle rockets from the porch rail, and one actually turned and followed one of us INTO the house through the open patio door, and hit the wall. At the same time, my brother Dave, who was holding a firecracker in his hand, forgot to let it go, he was so amazed at the bottle rocket, and it blew up in his hand, burning him pretty badly.
And I was in charge of all this. I remember we had the brilliant idea of spraying Right Guard on the wall of the living room to hide the burn marks and smell of the bottle rocket. I don't remember actually helping Dave, I probably told him to put ice on his hand and went back to lighting fireworks.
We made homemade cigarettes by finding butts on the streets, rolling the loose tobacco in notebook paper, taping it shut, and smoking it in the back of the woods! When we ran out of that, we'd beg this older kid Ed, to go steal cigarettes from the Red Bird Gas Station (now closed, probably because of us!) and bring them to us for a nominal sum.
We, too, had our own language we made up. Being the kid who really wanted to be organized but wasn't, I had a notebook where I'd written down all the letters and what they stood for, along with their sounds, and promptly lost it. Mostly we called one another in the neighborhood with either a combination German/Estonian call my dad used, or a high pitched, deep in the throat howl that I can't do now to save my life. My sisters can still make this noise, but say it causes too much staring when done in public anymore. Heh. I can't imagine that.
Obnoxious, we would put my stereo in the living room windows, speakers outward, assuming the entire neighborhood would want to share in whatever new album I had. I specifically remember blaring early Prince songs out the window, running to turn everything off if we saw my parents' car turning down the road to our house. I wanted to find an artist that had a lot of albums out but wasn't popular yet, and discovered Prince. Then he put out his popular stuff, and he lost his appeal for me. My sister, however, met Prince and some of his Revolution band when she lived in Minneapolis, and of course, before they broke up. She knew his half brother, Dwayne, well, and somehow, knowing everyone so intimately, made Prince not so much fun anymore.
Besides, by then I was going off to make babies and get married and do grown up crap. Like now. I should be doing homework!
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(12 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 16th, 2002
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8:03 pm - Warning!!!
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When your young daughter comes up to you, shoves her armpit in your nose and yells excitedly, "OOOH! Smell me! I smell like a big girl!!"
Do not, I repeat, do not, sniff.
Dad and I went to see Windtalkers today. I was extremely disappointed. So was Dad. I won't give any spoilers out, but geez, they could have done a better job. If I were one of the Navajo Code Talkers, I would be just a tad bit pissed off, if I weren't already for the lack of recognition the government had/has given them.
Now my head hurts like crazy. I notice I have a lot of trouble hearing in the theatre. My left ear is screwed up from me screwing up, and it seems to be getting worse. At least, it's worse in theatres, when music and sound is blaring.. and yet, I can hear the idiot crunching his candy behind me on my right.
Jon just brought me a Father's Day gift. It's a 2001 calendar. He pointed out that at least I'd know the holidays for last year, and I agreed. It's a good gift.
And now, I'm going to take some tylenol sinus meds and kick back for awhile.
Later.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 15th, 2002
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7:03 pm
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I had a weird experience today. I went to the driver's license facility to get the plates renewed on the car, and there was this beautiful woman standing there. She said, "Oh, my god! I KNOW you!" I smiled politely and nodded. She has this huge grin on her face, and then she says, "You're Danny Coulter!" I nod again, still giving her that, "Who are you, again?" look.
"It's Carolyn!" She said brightly. "Carolyn" (and she gave her last name)
I went to school with her. I SLEPT with her at a party in high school! And I didn't know her.
I had no clue who she was. And brilliantly, I said as I realized who she was, "Damn! We're getting old, huh??"
Oh yeah. I am so suave and smooth. She honestly didn't look old, so I'm not sure what I was thinking. Maybe it was the whole "grown-up" atmosphere of the driver's license bureau. Yeah, that must be it. Or else, possibly, I am a tard. That could also be it.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 14th, 2002
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6:08 pm - I am BananaMananananman!
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Fear me.
| I Am Manannan | Manannan is a subtle, clever fellow with a soft spot in his heart for humanity. Like Manannan, your humor is subtle. You prefer intelligent wordplay to outright goofiness, and you pride yourself on your taste and your ability to guide people without being obvious. You're a natural teacher. Unlike most tricksters, however, you're not quite as fond of it when the joke is on you. Looking the fool leaves you feeling vaguely discomfited.. |
Which Trickster are you?
Take the Trickster Test at www.isleofdreams.net
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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3:25 pm
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After finishing The Hobbit, whenever Lil Bit is angry with her brothers, she screams out, "MAY YOUR BEARD GROW EVER LONGER!!!" Who knew those words could be used as a curse? We are now finishing up The Island of the Blue Dolphins. She's enjoying it now, so a couple months and a few more books under her belt seem to have helped with her comprehension. She even handled a death fairly well, at least without a ton of tears.
School is going all right so far. It's a lot of work, both reading and writing, but oh well. Something to do, I guess.
Jon has a new counselor, and he really likes him a lot. He didn't make it through his summer group, but again, oh well. I'm seriously considering having them pull him off his meds, because he does worse and is more aggressive ON them than he was OFF them. The counselor wanted to pull him off, but the psychiatrist was all about increasing them, or making Jon go back to the hospital, and it's like, "He's NOT bad, he's just becoming aggressive SOMETIMES over things that never bothered him before."
They never listen to the parent. But, for example, Jon jumped all over some kid at the Y for splashing his sister. Hit the kid. And that is NOT Jon. First of all, he'd have joined in the splashing, and secondly, he would have tried to make friends, and thirdly, he's never been a fighter. He even told me that he felt like his medicines were making him angry. Dunno.
Wow. I lead a boring life. I'm off to... do something... adventurous! Yeah, I'm off to climb a mountain of laundry or some shit like that.
Later.
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2:58 pm
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Ohhhhhhh, Jill...... I made you a couple user icons. Go check out your journal to see them. I like them.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 10th, 2002
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9:49 pm
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5:12 pm - Conversations and Arguments
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(All names deleted to protect the innocent.)
"Hey! One of my testicles isn't as bouncy as the other one! Is that normal?"
"What makes kittens so purrable?"
"How old was that girl when she was born?"
"If someone dies, and poop comes out, how MUCH poop comes out?"
"How come I can't sit in the front/behind the driver/behind the passenger seat?!"
"Why WON'T you let me drive?"
"WHY didn't you bring 29 extra cents to the store!?"
And so my day goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on....
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