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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Tobey's LiveJournal:

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    Tuesday, May 8th, 2001
    2:49 pm
    I'm deleting this journal as of tomorrow... I need a fresh start, so I'm going to start another journal... with a name that those who have known me for years will find appropriate... going to reflect my new state of mind... and somehow this journal wasn't it.

    I've added those of you to my friends list that I want to continue to associate with... don't worry if I don't add you right away.. I'm working on it and am not trying to exclude any of those I truly consider friends. It's just my friends list got unmanageable and I decided it was time for a change.

    So check your friends list, and if you see a new addition to someone adding you, that's me. But please don't draw attention to it... I want to keep my friends list small for now if I can (ha, not likely!)
    2:00 pm
    Open Apology
    Looks like the matter was somewhat resolved.

    I deleted my comments flaming the party who made the original comment, because they were after his apology had been posted.

    Current Mood: apologetic
    12:24 pm
    The Flames Rise Higher
    I've noticed that there seems to be a trend lately of people flaming other people a lot.

    A friend was hurt by one of these flames pretty badly, and the person responsible has yet to apologize.

    My main problem with this particular flame is that it directly attacked the person's lifestyle and was completely unwarranted and outright mean (people who know the ones involved know who I am talking about, and I will not point out the journals involved out of respect for those people).

    To the one who flamed: I think it would be in your best interest to apologize. Not a demand, but a suggestion. And you might want to consider thinking before you act next time.

    To the one who was flamed: I do agree that those comments torward your feelings on the particular situation, after you had asked those involved what they wanted to do, were completely unwarranted by the offending party.

    I DO NOT support attacking anyone's choices in life...we're all individuals here, and are entitled to live our lives as we choose. A relationship is the sum of its parts, and cannot and will not be hindered by simple descriptions. Either you understand it, or you don't. But don't presume you do until you have all the facts.

    Ok, rant done now.

    Current Mood: annoyed
    Current Music: Zen A ct 75 CD 1 - Moata Omen / Ash Nazg
    10:03 am
    Quote from AIM
    menschrek: man, i think im the only 'rivethead' i know that can break a tooth, chase after sheep and get run over by a llama all within the course ov 24 hours :-\

    Current Mood: amused
    Monday, May 7th, 2001
    11:14 am
    Added Andy (winterknight) and Jen (Theda) to my friends list.

    Now I am really sorry I missed the party on Saturday night... sounds like I would have had fun :(

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Sunday, May 6th, 2001
    11:38 pm
    Apparently the University of Washington CS department web page was hacked.

    Current Mood: amused
    Saturday, May 5th, 2001
    2:48 am
    Hmmm.....

    Happy birthday to the wondrous, most beautiful ELIZA

    !!!

    Current Mood: joy
    Friday, May 4th, 2001
    9:26 pm
    Compu-toon rules.


    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Peter Murphy--I'll Fall With Your Knife
    8:42 pm
    Ohh....
    Went and saw Mummy Returns.

    Thought about the same of it as I did the first movie... good summer action flick.

    Going out tonight with my friend Beth to the Mercury. Drucie should be there as well! Yay!

    Current Mood: calm
    7:46 pm
    Go read this and comment, please.
    http://www.livejournal.com/talkpost.bml?itemid=3523994

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Thursday, May 3rd, 2001
    11:18 pm
    ghetto.net
    ghetto.NET. while( this shit be happening) { yo("WHAT IT IS?") }

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: tears for fears - shout
    11:03 pm
    BesIRC rocks.

    Has as many features as mIRC does. Only problem is the scripting is done in Object Pascal.
    4:34 pm
    Logo for my new site


    Current Mood: proud
    2:20 am
    Ass Kicking Monkey!

    (requires Windows Media Player)

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: Thrill Kill Kult - The Velvet Edge
    1:29 am
    oh... before I forget!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIGHTHAWK



    Current Mood: happy
    Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001
    11:07 am
    You know what's scary?

    going to http://groups.google.com and finding old usenet posts from 1995.

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: Tears for Fears - Everybody wants to rule the wo
    8:15 am
    Keyboard is dead, I can't afford to replace it, and Microsoft won't send me a replacement.

    I'm so fucked :/

    update: thanks to the wondrous petfish, I have a new keyboard on the way from Microsoft :)

    Current Mood: disappointed
    Tuesday, May 1st, 2001
    5:01 pm
    This post courtesy of my friend Michael Montoure at http://www.bloodletters.com
    You can be happy. You can live the life you want to live. You
    can become the person you want to be.

    This is what I've figured out so far.


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning
    blame and leave the past behind you.

    You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your
    boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you,
    the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or
    even yourself. You know whose fault it is -- you've been
    telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is
    that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself
    of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.

    Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't *real.* "That was
    in another country, and besides, the wench is dead." If we're
    not talking about something that is real and present and in
    your life *right now,* then it doesn't matter. Nothing can
    be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't
    spend your energy dwelling on it -- you have other things to do.

    I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm
    saying you should just "get over it," by suggesting that you
    should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't
    hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is
    still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything
    about yesterday.

    You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day.
    Focus your energies there.


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    "I don't have time to write." "I can't dance." "I can't talk to
    new people." "I'm not attractive."

    I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me
    sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes
    around themselves.

    To which I say, *make* the time; dance; just talk to people;
    *be* attractive!

    Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic
    of you to so easily say what you *cannot* do!

    We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind
    does -- it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves,
    at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines
    between the points -- we assume that just because we've done
    things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that
    way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.

    Screw that.

    Surprise yourself. No -- *amaze* yourself.

    You don't *have* to keep doing the things you hate.
    Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going
    over and saying a few words to someone you find really
    attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by
    rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage
    you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Find the demon.

    Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice
    in the back of your head that's always whispering,
    "You can't." You know the demon. You may think you
    hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let
    it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's
    something you want, you consult the demon first, to see
    if it will say, "You can't have that."

    What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything.
    It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to
    you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that
    makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told
    you "You'll never accomplish anything," it was listening;
    it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to
    watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It
    doesn't care.

    Exorcise yourself.

    You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do,
    please, the next time you hear that voice in your head,
    imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that
    you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its
    fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine,
    and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel
    on your way out to dance in the streets.

    You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you
    that. You can.


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    You don't exist.

    You just think you do.

    We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know
    in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable
    of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we
    are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and
    strengths you've told yourself you have.

    (Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous
    quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)

    You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you.
    If you don't like the story your life has become -- tell
    yourself a better one.

    Think about the person you want to be and do what that
    person would do. Act the way that person would act.

    Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person,
    people will start treating you like that person.

    And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.

    Welcome to your new self.


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    You are a product of your environnent.

    Most people realize this -- usually, in the form of having
    something else to blame -- but they tend to forget one
    important fact:

    Humans are the masters of changing their environment.

    What this means is that if your environment effects you,
    and you can effect your environment, then obviously,
    you can effect yourself.

    -- Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your
    life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more
    than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you -- and
    get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care
    if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover --
    if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but
    reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself,
    then your relationship with them needs to radically alter
    or it needs to end.

    -- Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself
    pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up
    over not achieving them -- set yourself goals that will
    be *good* for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals.
    Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't --
    that's the *old* story, that story you used to tell yourself
    about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could
    never change anything about your life. You *can* meet your
    goals. This is the new story.

    Trying to clean your house? Good for you -- a clean house
    can really effect your state of mind for the better. But
    don't say "Today I'm going to clean the entire house from
    top to bottom," when you don't have the time and energy
    to -- don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the
    demon. Just say, "Today I'm going to wash all the dishes
    and clean off the kitchen counter." And do it.

    Don't tell yourself, "This month I'm going to write that
    novel." Tell yourself, "Today I'm going to write five
    pages." And do it. Take your dreams and break them
    down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands
    before you know it.

    And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that
    you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident
    and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.

    -- Your environment includes yourself -- your physical presence.
    Do what you know you need to do -- treat yourself better.
    Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to
    *stop* staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean
    you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop
    sitting around watching television -- it just means start
    doing the things that are good for you *as well as* the
    things that are bad for you, every so often. It's
    not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to
    devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating
    more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal;
    go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better
    and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once
    you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting
    the things that make you feel better. You'll see.

    -- Your environment includes your appearance. If you're
    not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person
    in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change
    who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different
    hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It
    doesn't have to be expensive -- there's a whole universe
    full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift
    stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the
    person you want to be, then decide what that person
    is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not
    shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about
    self-transformation -- even the most primitive
    tribes understand the value of costumes and masks
    for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.

    You are not an object. You are a system. Like with
    any system, if you change the inputs -- change what
    goes into it -- you'll change what comes out.


    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Despite everything I've just said:

    Self-examination can be paralysis.

    Don't "remember to breathe" -- just breathe. It's a
    tao thing.

    It's the paradox at the center of all this -- remember that,
    "Am I living up to being the person I want to be?", is not
    a question the person you want to be would ask.

    If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:

    Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.

    Just be happy.

    Current Mood: happy
    Monday, April 30th, 2001
    4:47 pm
    *jumps off a cliff*

    just let it end already. sheesh.

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Current Music: My Life With the Thrill Kill K - Leathersex
    2:33 pm
    A friend sent me this link.

    hehe... http://www.cyberflunk.com/~cenob/images/pic09564.jpg

    Current Mood: amused
    Current Music: AndOne - Consequence of Time
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