This post courtesy of my friend Michael Montoure at http://www.bloodletters.com You can be happy. You can live the life you want to live. You
can become the person you want to be.
This is what I've figured out so far.
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Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning
blame and leave the past behind you.
You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your
boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you,
the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or
even yourself. You know whose fault it is -- you've been
telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is
that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself
of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.
Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't *real.* "That was
in another country, and besides, the wench is dead." If we're
not talking about something that is real and present and in
your life *right now,* then it doesn't matter. Nothing can
be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't
spend your energy dwelling on it -- you have other things to do.
I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm
saying you should just "get over it," by suggesting that you
should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't
hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is
still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything
about yesterday.
You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day.
Focus your energies there.
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"I don't have time to write." "I can't dance." "I can't talk to
new people." "I'm not attractive."
I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me
sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes
around themselves.
To which I say, *make* the time; dance; just talk to people;
*be* attractive!
Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic
of you to so easily say what you *cannot* do!
We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind
does -- it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves,
at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines
between the points -- we assume that just because we've done
things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that
way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.
Screw that.
Surprise yourself. No -- *amaze* yourself.
You don't *have* to keep doing the things you hate.
Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going
over and saying a few words to someone you find really
attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by
rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage
you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?
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Find the demon.
Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice
in the back of your head that's always whispering,
"You can't." You know the demon. You may think you
hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let
it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's
something you want, you consult the demon first, to see
if it will say, "You can't have that."
What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything.
It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to
you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that
makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told
you "You'll never accomplish anything," it was listening;
it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to
watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It
doesn't care.
Exorcise yourself.
You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do,
please, the next time you hear that voice in your head,
imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that
you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its
fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine,
and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel
on your way out to dance in the streets.
You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you
that. You can.
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You don't exist.
You just think you do.
We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know
in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable
of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we
are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and
strengths you've told yourself you have.
(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous
quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)
You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you.
If you don't like the story your life has become -- tell
yourself a better one.
Think about the person you want to be and do what that
person would do. Act the way that person would act.
Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person,
people will start treating you like that person.
And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.
Welcome to your new self.
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You are a product of your environnent.
Most people realize this -- usually, in the form of having
something else to blame -- but they tend to forget one
important fact:
Humans are the masters of changing their environment.
What this means is that if your environment effects you,
and you can effect your environment, then obviously,
you can effect yourself.
-- Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your
life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more
than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you -- and
get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care
if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover --
if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but
reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself,
then your relationship with them needs to radically alter
or it needs to end.
-- Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself
pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up
over not achieving them -- set yourself goals that will
be *good* for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals.
Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't --
that's the *old* story, that story you used to tell yourself
about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could
never change anything about your life. You *can* meet your
goals. This is the new story.
Trying to clean your house? Good for you -- a clean house
can really effect your state of mind for the better. But
don't say "Today I'm going to clean the entire house from
top to bottom," when you don't have the time and energy
to -- don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the
demon. Just say, "Today I'm going to wash all the dishes
and clean off the kitchen counter." And do it.
Don't tell yourself, "This month I'm going to write that
novel." Tell yourself, "Today I'm going to write five
pages." And do it. Take your dreams and break them
down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands
before you know it.
And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that
you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident
and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.
-- Your environment includes yourself -- your physical presence.
Do what you know you need to do -- treat yourself better.
Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to
*stop* staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean
you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop
sitting around watching television -- it just means start
doing the things that are good for you *as well as* the
things that are bad for you, every so often. It's
not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to
devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating
more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal;
go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better
and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once
you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting
the things that make you feel better. You'll see.
-- Your environment includes your appearance. If you're
not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person
in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change
who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different
hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It
doesn't have to be expensive -- there's a whole universe
full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift
stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the
person you want to be, then decide what that person
is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not
shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about
self-transformation -- even the most primitive
tribes understand the value of costumes and masks
for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.
You are not an object. You are a system. Like with
any system, if you change the inputs -- change what
goes into it -- you'll change what comes out.
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Despite everything I've just said:
Self-examination can be paralysis.
Don't "remember to breathe" -- just breathe. It's a
tao thing.
It's the paradox at the center of all this -- remember that,
"Am I living up to being the person I want to be?", is not
a question the person you want to be would ask.
If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:
Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.
Just be happy.
Current Mood: happy