sarcasm's LiveJournal

Time:	11:37 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.

I know I'm going to remember tonite just because I'm one of that kind of person who remembers everything if I think about if I'll remember it or not while it's happening. And as much as I went on tonite about what a waste of my life it was and how disappointed I was in the lack of what we did...... I'm going to fucking remember it.

Whats the proof that you lived that day? Is it what you can remember? What effects you left behind? What validates it?

I realized tonite that I want to get really close with everyone that I know. Almost every single person that I consider a friend.... I would spend hours sitting with them in a room peeling off layers and dissecting what it is that makes them tick. And just collecting all that. I am a student of human nature .... and it interests me so much.

That's probably not the most healthy viewpoint. I see the people around me that I consider "friends" as something that I watch and learn from but something that I rarely interact with myself. REALLY interact with. I could sprout off details about most of these people's lives to a degree that would scare them but I doubt that a single one of them could tell me where I was born or what my favorite color is. I know who was touched by Daddy in a bad way when they were little, I know the favorite movie, the favorite band, the favorite song or what was playing when *insert scenario* happened.... I know. I collect these things.

I want to be more than just the validation that last night you talked to someone about your life and they remembered the next day.

Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

Time:	7:55 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	the strokes - Last Night.

Something good that I did find out last night was that J, the boy I'd previously mentioned hanging out a lot with and really starting to like, apparently feels the same way about me.

I fell asleep last night completely dressed and with my shoes on. I've got to be at work in about a half hour. My life keeps me interested.

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Time:	12:33 am.
Mood:	intoxicated.

My horoscope this morning said something like "Someone who has been missing from your life for a long time will come back tonite in a big way. Don't make that same mistake twice."

I got a great big curve ball tonite. I ended up at Dunkens.... as normal Tuesday nights go.... but was met with Cory, Nick.... and Jeremy. Played cards with all the boys, more boys showed up, drank for a few hours....

But he grabbed me tonite and wouldn't let me go from the street until he started yelling at a guy I'd been flirting with.... and... started a fight and we eventually had to drive him home. And he kissed my hand and he held on to it and wore my hat and

so familiar.

I need to go to bed.

I took the chain and necklace off for the first time today.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	I go to sleep curled up in the promise of my own arms and take enough comfort in that.
Time:	1:03 am.
Mood:	sleepy.

18 hours after waking up....... I'm going to sleep. 13 of those hours were spent working.

Two days off in a row are waiting for me when I next get out of bed. I would love to update my journal about my life the past couple of days.

For the first time in almost two years I feel like my future is completely and totally open.

The word that I have wanted to get tattooed on me for the longest time comes to mind...

eleutheromania

\E*leu`there*o*ma"ni*a\, n. [Gr. ? free + E. mania.] A mania or frantic zeal for freedom. [R.]

I feel free.

Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.

Time:	9:22 am.
Mood:	awake.
Music:	crass - big a little a.

I woke up and I'm now trying to sort thru what was a dream last night and what was real. I feel like ..... cleaning up every aspect of my life. All this shit that's been weighing on me and keeping me from moving forward as quickly as I could be is suddenly glaringly obvious.

... I have a lot to think about. I'm going to go shower and head to work.

Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.

Time:

1:27 am.

I was working at the bookstore tonite when I looked across the hall and saw Jeremy talking to a guy we used to be friends with.

Jeremy. Across the hall from me. After almost 10 months.

I'd seen this scenario so many countless times while sitting at the desk and staring out into space that it DID NOT feel real. And I knew I had to do exactly what I'd always told myself I'd do if I saw him, so I went right up behind him. Scared him. He said just about, "Hey, what's up?" and.... acted like I was a casual acquaintance that he barely knew. Which was bullshit and I knew that seeing me was something he so wanted to avoid that I stuck around because I owed it to myself to see this guy long enough to get a feel for who he's become.

We spent the night at Dunken's and then eventually at Depot. During this time he didn't look at me or talk to me much but that was more of an eye opener than it was hurtful... A group of us all went out to coffee afterwards.

Then I took him home. For the first time in 10 months he and I were alone together. We stopped and talked. I cried. I asked him the things I wanted to know and I studied this boy that I used to know inside and out well enough to know that the person I used to love with all my heart ..... well..... he's not dead, but he's not the same and so neither can my love for him be the same. .... And that's a very, very good thing to have been given the chance to realize.

He hugged me and held the back of my head while I cried, I dropped him off at his house after reintroducing myself to him and now........ I think he's a ghost that won't haunt me anymore.

Once upon a time has ended. This princess is driving off in her own car to find a new story.

Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	Go hang yourself.
Time:	12:41 am.
Mood:	imgoingtofuckingsleep.
Music:	drunk, how're you?.

People fucking suck. Why get online and think they'll be any different?

I don't want to read any of this shit, I want to go curl up in bed and read a good book.

Jesus. The only fucking email I get any more is spam and ................ I'll trail off before I point out how much I hate all of you.

yeah. you.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Subject:	It's been a few days.
Time:	3:16 pm.
Mood:	confused face.
Music:	the strokes - Last Night.

I suppose I should attempt some kind of update.
Besides the normal working 50+ hours a week I've been going out pretty regularly the past week or so. Theres a guy.... that..... I'm hanging out with, I suppose. We've been friends for the past couple of years and when I do move out in the next couple of months he's going to try and move out with me because we've agreed we'd have great fun as roommates. ... Uh. What to say about this situation. It's ... complicated.
Here.
Take one girl who still has a broken heart over Boy. Take Boy's best friend who has been friends with girl since before Boy. Get them talking about moving in together, get them drunk and get them flirting and....... nothing happens. And nothing will happen because girl likes him too much to like him that way after incident with Boy.
So. I've got myself a good friend who lets me hold his hand and he draws on me when he's drunk and .... I think.....

Dear god. Am I happy?

Weird.

Other news. It's my dad's birthday. I got him a huge wooden zeppelin model and a big huge hard cover book about old sci-fi/ horror movie poster art. I love being able to spend massive amounts of money on the people I care about.

I bought new sunglasses last night and J let me borrow another Danzig cd so I'm going to go for a ride before coming back home for the party.

.... You know, it never hails between 5 and 10 AM.

*shrug* I had NOTHING else to say.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	1:27 am.
Mood:	lonely.

There is one hell of a dust storm going on in Twin Falls right now.

I .... kind of got in a fight tonite. But the girl started apologizing and saying there was no excuse for the way she looked at me and I realized that I was standing over a girl at least 3 inches shorter than me, 4 years younger than me and a hell of a lot drunker than I was and it just wouldn't be fair if I slugged her in the face.

.... But boy, it was fucking tempting. ... So with a "Yeah. I didn't think so." and a big long stare I walked out. .... The bigger person, right?

In other news, I had a really fun night. Hung out with Jake again. We went to a girl's house that he's friends with who was having a going away party. Sat on the couch, drank their beer and he drew on my neck. We left after not too long and parked on a country road over looking Twin watching the dust storm and trying not to fall asleep on each other.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:	I just woke up
Time:	2:13 pm.
Mood:	groggy.
Music:	Marilyn Manson- Get Your Gunn.

I dreamt that I was exploring a run down house with a group of friends. I kept warning everyone that we needed to go because a crazy guy was camped down in one of the upstairs rooms. I got to the front door first, turned around in time to see one of my friends who was running down the stairs trip and fall. At the same time this blur came down the stairs, and stopped over her. It was a guy in a long gray robe, he leaned down, scooped her eyes out, slit her throat and then jumped on top of the guy standing five feet away and did the same thing. After that I remember just a lot of running, thinking to myself that if I didn't look back he couldn't catch me, I just had to run.

The dream eventually changed into another but no matter what was going on I ended up having to run from this same robed man.

I heard the squishy sound as he plopped their eyes out. I remember it.

I think I'm going to do my normal day off disappearing act, grab a notebook, a book and take off somewhere in my car.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Time:	1:59 am.
Mood:	sleepy.

After this many hours of being awake it's a bit of a task to think back on how I actually started this day....

Oh. I slept in. Work went by fairly quickly because I had last night's fun to keep my mind occupied. I got home around 6 tonite and gave Jake (the one I mentioned last night) a call. We were supposed to start looking for places because he eventually wants to share a house with me and I'd love to live with him if he'd ever hold down a job. We drove around way too much and went to a few coffee places and eventually ended up out at T.O. just he and I having coffee. He did another drawing on my arm and we talked about more drawings in other places. A large group of people showed up then and things got a bit... subdued so he and I left, I gave him a ride home and came back here...

I'm off tomorrow which is going to be really nice. I'll try to not wake up around 9, sit straight up in bed and think that I'm going to be late to open the bookstore....

Oh good lord.... I can read all day tomorrow.... that makes me so happy.

Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Time:	2:08 am.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	Misfits in my head over and over again.

"If I cut off your arms and cut off your legs, would you still love me anyway?"

... Something about boys in leather jackets with Misfit's pins. He even drew a cool little Tim Burton looking skull boy on my arm when I asked him to. .... I wonder.....

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