hanging on for hope... [entries|friends|calendar]
Striving For Cool

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[20 Oct 2004|11:11pm]
Fuck livejournal...I hate this thing.
7 hearts broken| do your damage

[07 Jun 2004|12:06am]
happy birthday to me
8 hearts broken| do your damage

[13 May 2004|06:04pm]
I think I'm going to stop posting in this thing. It sometimes brings me pain and makes me overanalyze situations. I think I'll take Mike's advice. Goodbye live journal...at least for a while.
2 hearts broken| do your damage

[08 May 2004|04:11pm]
Bro-time is in full effect. I really needed this. I needed to remember what it was like to have friends....real friends.
do your damage

[06 May 2004|07:47pm]
I feel really bad.
5 hearts broken| do your damage

[05 May 2004|06:16pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Lewis had his first visit to the vet today...cost me a buttload of $$ too...but he's so damn cute. I thought it would be like $45 for the exam, but he had ear mites and eye goop which ended up running $126 after all the medicine. I am glad to pay this--because it's the responsibility of having a cat, but it could not have come at a worse time. Even with help from my parents--I will have no $$ for this weekend after I pay rent. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Bro-time countdown: 42 hours.

She hasn't returned my calls...I'm kinda worried. But if she was such a good friend--wouldn't she call me back? I hope I didn't mis-judge her, and I'm slowly but surely coming to the realization that...maybe she doesn't care about me at all. It hurts, but I'll get over it. Shame that it's going down like this though. I'll take responsibility for falling in love, and "missing her too much" as she said...but I never thought too much "love"--even in a friendship--was a bad thing. Unless I'm totally over-reacting (which is very possible), I think I'm being treated unfairly--and I can't take it much longer. I don't want to move on and lose her as a friend...but I will if that's what she wants. I try not to think about how much it hurts.

Church....hmm. I need to give it a shot. It seems like a good thing and probably the best place to meet quality friends. We'll see.

This cat is so rad...he's climbing on me now and sat on my shoulder in the car. I think I'm going to take him out more--hehe.


"Walking away. It's not the same as running... Is it to you now? that you've run this in the ground. And you say take this... This medicine is just what you deserve. Swallow, choke, and die.

And this bitter pill is leaving you with such an angry mouth. One that's void of all discretion, such an awful tearing sound. With it's measure only equal by the power of my stare. Glaring over you and over you this feeling of despair... is never wearing out.

It's wearing off and it's leaving you with such a heavy heart, and a head to match. The bottle is waiting the cap is twisted begging to be used... and so are you."--Dashboard Confessional

1 heart broken| do your damage

[03 May 2004|11:04pm]
So this is what it has come to...me watching Reality Bites alone with 2 cats. I have never felt so alone in my life than right now. I want you to call me back, I want to know what I did, and I want to know how to get back to where we were before. If I can't resolve this somehow--I don't know what I'm going to do. 1 year of friendship down the drain? Tell me I'm overreacting and everything will be fine after you cool off...cause that's what I want to hear. There can't be anything worse in the world than not hearing from you right now.
do your damage

Welcome Home....Lewis Bellybutton Bonneau [02 May 2004|10:22pm]



This is Lewis' brother--Ugly Cassanova

He lives across the hall so they can hang out and play together


5 hearts broken| do your damage

[01 May 2004|11:24pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Work was blah, life is blah. Tomorrow I'm going to call and look for cats in the paper--and hopefully get one. I got Reality Bites from Netflix today...so if anyone wants to come over and watch it--feel free(this comment is basically directed at Rachel--but I thought I'd throw it out there for everyone.)

1 heart broken| do your damage

[30 Apr 2004|12:52pm]
[ mood | confused ]

If I could turn off the way I feel right now...I would.

Last night was dinner at 13 Coins, pool, and bowling with my boss and regional manager. It was OK. I close the next 2 nights and am not looking forward to it. My neighbors want to hang out tonight, but I find myself wanting to do less and less with them everyday. I find myself wanting to do more and more with someone else that's rarely here. Hopefully this next week will go by quick and the visit from Jonathan will bring much needed relief. Maybe he can remind me of why I moved here...and why I'm still here.

do your damage

[25 Apr 2004|11:01pm]
"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you"--The Beach Boys
do your damage

[06 Apr 2004|11:29pm]
Not to be out-done by my last post--here is what I like to call the "mother of all slide shows." Click if you dare. vacation pics )
5 hearts broken| do your damage

[06 Apr 2004|08:19pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | the stream of water coming out of my broken kitchen faucet ]

Well--I'm back in Seattle. The trip was short, but good. It was really good to see my family and friends especially. I got into town about 9 am after taking the red-eye from SEATAC and was drained. The commuter flight to Killeen from Houston had 3 people on it and when we walked up to the terminal to go in--the door was locked. I could see my dad on the other side and he was looking around trying to get someone to unlock it! The first thing he said was, "Welcome to the podunk Killeen airport!"...hehe...crazy hicks. I went home and crashed until that night and went to my grandma's for dinner--she cooked up a storm! Tuesday through Thursday I hung out playing chauffer for the grandparents and layed around the house. Thursday night I went to Austin and hung out with my friend Robert. I met him at his office--he's a social worker for the state mental hospital and I got to see some crazy people. Then we headed to Emo's for the Poison the Well/ Thrice show...it was damn good and hot as usual. After that we had a late dinner at the Hula Hut where I had Sangria Margaritas and Hawaiian Fajitas...yum. The next morning I drove to Abilene to see Andrew & Carrie, Matt & Heather, and John( you have to group married couples together--hehe.) After driving for 3 hours, no one was home yet, so I went to mall and ran into Matt!! We walked around for a while catching up(and looking for Randall who was surprisingly not there) and then left to go back to his place. Andrew called and said there was a McMurray art fundraiser that they wanted to go to and I was invited so I told them I'd meet them at their house. As we pulled up to Matt's house--I noticed John's truck...parked right across the street!! John didn't really know Matt and Heather that well--so he hadn't noticed that they were neighbors. While I was there--B1 called and said he was in Lubbock and heard I was down in Abilene!!!! The fool lives in San Diego, but after wrecking Clint's Ford Focus...took a Greyhound to TX to pick up his truck and drive it back to Cali. He said he'd drive down that night( it was already 6ish and he had a 3 hour drive ahead of him. After visiting for a while with Matt, John and I left for the banquet thing. It was small, but cool...catered food and I won the bid for a piece John did that was framed and everything--$13. Saw Brady and Josh and other people I kinda knew through Andrew & Carrie. After that, we went to the Leaf and got cigars and totally witnessed a hit and run in the parking lot!! This dude that Andrew knew hit a parked truck and drove off--it was hilarious. While we were there, I called B1 and told him to meet us at this new Buffalo Wing place when he got in. We headed there and it was totally "bro". Every skank and frat-boy in town was there and getting drunk. We witnessed a relationship breakdown--then mend and that was fun. After a few drinks, we headed back to the house and met B1 at Matt's. It was really good to see him. We went to Jamie Castleberry's and Carrie(different Carrie)'s for a while, which was weird because their boyfriends were there and didn't say a damn word to us...whatever. After that, we went to IHOP to catch up and stayed there till around 6am talking about girls, our problems, his movie, and old times. I slept in till 11 the next morning at John's and Brandon stayed at Matt & Heather's across the street. He came over to wake me up and we went to Wing-Stop with everyone(made me miss the Don Juan!!)--walked around the mall and came up with a company that served powdered beer in a popcorn box called "Foamy Beer in a Box"....or "Space Beer". Walked by the Hot Topic and decided that I could run that place if I wanted to move back to Abilene. After that, we went to Andrew and Carrie's place and watched a movie. Then it was off to Alfredo's for dinner where Andrew, John, B1, and I gorged ourselves on Mexican food and told awesome stories. We dropped Andrew and John off at home and headed to Starbuck's to see Rose play guitar. Saw a bunch of people I knew there(including Saybra who begged me to take her with me back to Seattle--which I would have because she's cool and super cute.) and listened to cool music. Clint called from on tour and I talked to him for a while--then I headed back to drop Brandon off at Matt's so I could drive home. It was about midnight, but with the time-change--it was really 1am, and I had a 3 hour drive and church in the morning. I wish I could have stayed because there was a party...but what can you do...*sigh.

So that's basically how my trip went--if you even made it through that monster of a paragraph. I realized how many people I left behind, and how special those people really are, but decided that I should give Seattle another shot at making friends before I pack my stuff up and move to San Diego, or back to Abilene. But it's good to know that people still care about you and would do just about anything to help you out if you needed it.

In other news, Don Juan Cardoni and his brother Mike are coming back up to Seattle in a few weeks and bro-time will commence immediately when they arrive. Rachel and I are looking forward to tripping Mike and laughing about it for days. We're supposed to go to a Mariner's game too--so that should rock.

My boss scheduled me to work on my last official day of vacation(tomorrow), but I talked to him and straightened it out...unfortunately he still owes me 2 days off for this work week and I went in this afternoon for 5 hours to cover for a girl who called in because my boss is in Portalnd AGAIN. The only plus side to this is that he owes me even more now and I think I can cash in on it when Don Cardoni and Mike get here next month.

Talked to Rachel last night on the phone for a good bit...I really miss her, but am happy she's having a good time. I look forward to when we can hang out again more regularly.

So that's gotta be the longest entry I've written. Congrats if you made it through the whole thing. Back to the routine which is my life....

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate

2 hearts broken| do your damage

Foamy Beer in a Box [04 Apr 2004|08:41pm]
These last few days in Abilene were great. I totally forgot I had friends. It's one thing to talk on the phone--but actual face to face contact can do wonders. It really makes me want to move--either San Diego with B1, or possibly Abilene again with Jon, Andrew and Carrie, Matt and Heather, and the endless list of people I forgot I knew there.....*sigh.

I wish I could forget you right now...but it won't let go.

I'll write more when I get home tomorrow about how chill it was to see everyone and freakin hang out for a change.
3 hearts broken| do your damage

[25 Mar 2004|11:26pm]
moving on
1 heart broken| do your damage

so I guess tonight's good as any [24 Mar 2004|11:21pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I haven't posted in what feels like forever--and the last few I did post were half-way posts. Something happened tonight that worries me. I don't understand why I still care. I was just getting over this girl and then a text message that stopped me in my tracks. I guess I figured it happened anyway. What else was I supposed to think?

*edited for content*

So I don't know what to think anymore cause she won't call or text me back. The thing is that I can't figure out why I care so much about it all. I've been trying to move on and meet more people, but it just isn't happening. I would love to be in a relationship with her, but she's not interested in that right now--which is fine. I understand and everything, but it still hurts because I feel like I had her...then lost her. She is the only person up here I really connect with and the reason I stayed when I felt like moving before.

Now I feel like moving again...but I don't see myself happy anywhere. I was happy with my friends--even in Abilene--but everyone has pretty much dis-banded and moved anyway, so there's really no point to moving.

My life is wearing me down--I feel stuck and as if nothing can get much better. I know I don't have it THAT bad, but I need some sort of social contact and love in my life so badly...friends, girlfriend, whatever.

Being alone is the worst thing I can imagine right now.

"...the things that are keeping you here will keep me away."

2 hearts broken| do your damage

whoppers....mmmm [15 Mar 2004|07:48pm]
Here are some pics from the San Juans














2 hearts broken| do your damage

I remember when I used to have friends [05 Mar 2004|11:08pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Interpol ]

then I moved to Seattle...now all I can think about is you. Maybe one day everything will work itself out and I won't be alone.

3 hearts broken| do your damage

[14 Feb 2004|05:30pm]
<3
do your damage

[12 Feb 2004|09:10pm]
I fell in love with the wrong girl.
Is it the end?--no
Does it suck--yes
1 heart broken| do your damage

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