Tuesday, March 26th, 2002
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1:41 pm - hehehe and WHEEEEEEEEE!
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Rock Reflector
written by John J. Casino III 2001 Christmas eve
transcribed/edited by Darren W. Amaya I some time later
Many a weathering seasons have passed since I was an innocent on those shores. The breezes still out in the night. Who are they calling to?
Luntin Mason, the boy who grew up in my neighborhood not far from my father's den, is holding this years Christmas gathering. I was not invited due to my unusually large family.
"Too many mouths Kangas, you understand."
I am the father of (12) twelve now. My young wife bore them all and loves each one the same.
I own the largest plot of sand here but by no means does that make me wealthy. Father was a man very greedy and
thick-headed. When he moved here with us, he quickly purchased as much land ocean front as he could afford, without asking were the mussels sleep.
"This lot of sand and rock is infested with shellfish of all kinds." said the land Baron, "A man could grow very rich here in time."
Needless to say my father was swindled.
When my father died very poor and unwealthy, I was given this land and business. I sold most of it, the rest is now shallows. I rent most of these to small shipping boat captains. Whats left I dig, hopelessly searching for clam and other shellfish. I make just enough to feed my family. Sea life has been rough on me.
I guess thats why I get liquored up and disgrace myself.
"Kangas, come in for dinner!" my wife is hollering from the door of our small home.
"Soon!"
Samic, my oldest son is returning from his job working on the vegetable farms.
"Doomed father, we are all doomed," says Samic.
"Good to know you faced up to that boy," I replied and snuck a swig of brandy.
Dinner time.
current mood:  artistic
current music: yeah
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Friday, March 22nd, 2002
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11:23 pm - In a storm I rock louder!
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Even though Gina and I are still un employed and struggling to get up 700 dollars for rent. we are up to about $231.62. Thanks to my mom for mailing me some of my tax return back. Rent is due in about a week and a half. I can only pray I get some kind of work on monday. That or win atleast 600 on a stratch ticket which although would be cool I won't use the money I don't have on one. I Went to a temp place today and joined up it was horribly exhausting. They test you for 3 hours on different software programs and typing. Then they interview you and Then you get to leave just in time for traffic. HaHa ha!. Well forget about that. I played some guitar today BUSTED my amp by plugging it into itself. blew the speaker. so I though there was a breaker on it and all I had to do was switch it back then I rocked out alittle. I wrote this new song called "Peggy Sue, what about you?" its ok I thought it was cool, I recorded it on the kareoce machine. Then by some wierd accord I started playing one of Darrens songs that I never knew how to play. "to give everything" I believe. gave me some confidence that my quitar skills are growing more powerful. I don't usually pick up songs right away. and especially if I'm not shown how to play it. Well somewhat gettign better. whatever.
gona get going sleep or something going to a Art show in San Fran tommorow Gina's friends aunt owns a Gallary. maybe I can get my paintings sold.,.?? $$$
current mood:  calm
current music: voices in my mind
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Sunday, March 17th, 2002
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12:25 am - No pain no pain.
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Not to offend my friends and soforth but when I have an entry of deep angst and sourpussying conitation about being away from home. It does not nessesarly mean I wish to go back to Boston. Mainly what it means is I just want to be comfortable. I wasn't comfortable in Boston (to be honest) Chelsea either. For fucks sake. Did I ever really call any of my friends anyway. Did I actually make attempts to go hang out or see you did I go to your shows or ask you over to watch tv or eat. Hardly ever. And if I did probably it was for personal gain. I am a shallow discontented fucking asshole who has no soul or any place on this planet, I will forever be unhappy and uncomfortable because something has happend in my head that makes me at odds with the universe. The fact that Everytime I've tried I've failed, the fact that when I did something no one cared but if some one else does the same thing they get praise, the fact that I wasn't ass quick to get a jock or that I wasn't approched by the girl or the group of friends that was so cool even if I didn't know them or cared. I live a lowly existance. I am not going to ever break out of what I am because I was not ment for it my destiny doesn't have a way out. Oh booh whooo right. or maybe its Snap out of it your creative and have faith. Or maybe something else.
I just fucking get sick over the fact that I can watch people I know who have so much more to offer let themselves be cast aside or forgotten because their pride interfears with what they will and will not do to triumph. I've tried all my life to triumph I would change my life, alture styles, act differently to make those I need to succeed alow me in the inner circle. My pride is that I have no pride. I try all my days even my dreams are contaminated by it. I just can not take it. I can not win the prize. I am not special I am the same decaying organic matter as the rest of the world. only I never had nice new flamming little shit.
I make Gina unhappy now. I can't do anything else. We are finacialy stressed to the max. I don't have a regular job. She doesn't have a job just yet but we have high hopes. I guess I treat her like shit unless I'm getting what I want. I don't understand it. I don't think I am, I'm a fucking misserable bastard, no one has ever understood that I don't think they will. Marked from birth to suffer the life of a stuggler who never gets to rest. although I take alot of breaks, I don't get to rest easy. Fuck life, right matt? God I wish I could start over again. I want to break open the fancy fabrasha or however they are spelled and spread the crushed pieces in the face of the bastards who like that kind of thing, No one understands. If I had at very least 10 thousand dollars I could work it so I would be able to Live off of it FOREVER. i would know how to treat it invest it save it. But I don't know how to make 10 thosand dollars quickly enough I have to spend every penny I ever get to pay the GOD DAMN BILLS. and what did I do I moved away to make myself more bills. I wish I didn't own that car but if I didnt have a car I couldn't get to a job. or going to the job would be so unbearble that I wouldn't be able to last. God why am I delt with these dark furtunes. I hate when someone tells me to pray. It sounds so cheezy. and what does it get I pray and it doesn't work out. So why pray for things anymore, I have but one prair that when I finaly am free of this shitty life and am dead I get to go to heaven, while I'm here on earth I'll do what I need to be ok. That is the true meaning of life. Live through this hell watch people make it and not make it, see how you are treated and cry in your head constantly and hate everything about yourself but fake every feeling LET THEM FUCK WITH YOUR HEART AND SOUL TILL YOU TASTE BLOOD AND SEE IN BLACK AND WHITE. no one understands. I can't make it right. I don't have enough money to bail you out and I don't have enough luck to get money to get out of the fucking hole my destiny is made for. It is my fathers life its now my own. I am never going to stop feeling like this no one can ever change my perseption of life. I hate everything I have been given because i haven't asked for anything yet.
I give my body
I want..more. less. far. far. gun away.
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Saturday, March 16th, 2002
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7:47 pm - Bored, Tired, Depressed, Questioned, Alone, Accumpanied.
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Before you read this and give to outrage, Don't just don't.
It is saturday night and like always, I am sitting around my plain dank lifeless apartment that lacks cable and lacks a place to sit. And the stail smell of damp cigaretts and onion. The computer I am using is lifeless. Hardly any power and packed to the brim with Gina's sisters programs that we dare not get rid of or else. No Games, mind you. Well astoroids. But nothing that distracts someone from life. SIMS but that game makes me vomit now that I have waisted half of last year on it.
I want to go see Resident Evil the movie dispite the fact that people say it sucks. I was going to go to see it tonight. But I didn't want to go alone. Gina doesn't want to do anything she doesn't want to do now. she's put her foot down. I guess. I'm upset. very depressed and want to go home. But I don't want to go home yet. The closest friends
are far away.
in my heart they stay. but I need to touch them and hear them and see them smile in person.
mom and dad need their son.
I need to get really stoned.
I'm very bored. no distractions cause extream sadness.
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Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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11:41 pm - I fucking hate pikies.
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So I'm working for a temp agency at some place in Woodland it's a good job. Nothing to hard to do, just some really pain in the ass 1000 plus documents a day that need to be entered into a data base. But the pay is alright and I get all the cherry coke I want. That Rocks! God bless em for that.
I miss home still but I'm calming down. maybe the cycle of a job helps me out. To be regular and what have you. Anyway I feel I need to get some excitement in my life. Who knows what. Start a band!!!! Fucker.. Anyway ah fugiveskaniviv comeasine tell me about it. Fuck it. Coveld For mema.
I made a list of ACOMPLISHMENTS TO MAKE for this year. I have to get cracken on them...somehow I SHALL if you all send me 1 dollar muahaha.
later.
current mood:  dorky
current music: BaHaus - Cuts you up.
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Friday, March 8th, 2002
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8:30 pm - TAKE A BLUNT TO THE SKULL
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Going to my first Californian Goth Club tonight. I'm all hiped out in the best way Casino know's how I used some of the glitter lipstick I loaned Dave for New Years he looked good in it. So do I but I'm realizing something very quickly. THE FUCKING SPARKLES IN IT LOVE TO TRAVEL DOWN TO THE THROAT! I keep coughing up glitter and phlem. I me freinds Green Glittery Clovers in me mouth.
I hope they play good music I need some Good Times. Drasticly.
I have to get going soon so I don't have to pay the late cover charge. Man alive I can't afford that shit.
Funnie news: Saw a lowrider today, and the stereo was blasting LOW RI-DER.......Isn't that ironic its like winning the lotto then using the ticket as TP,
things for me readers to do.
1. Start a fight with a complete stranger.
2. Speak only in gibberish for the next 3 hours call everyone you know.
3. Go to www.suicidegirls.com and relieve yourselves
4. If you live in Boston stick your tounge to a meatle poll.
5. If you live in California Send me money!!!!
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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10:34 pm - I'm supposed to suck it up now.
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So I started working today. I work at a Hotel doing front desk stuff. It is by far the most depressing and draining job ever. To me there is no goal there is no reason to be there and All the training and all the BS they are showing me is useless because I don't want to know about it. I want to quite already. but I can't CAN'T Even if I wanted to I don't think Gina would talk to me if I did. yet its alright for her to leave a job the first day as she did resently. I'm going for an interview on friday to do something else more sales like. Supposed to pay more too. so if I get that job..if or maybe even if not. I'm going to call the Hotel and tell them I don't think this is for me. because it really isn't I never missed home more and never felt more RAPIDLY depressed then today while at that place and the break and oh god how I wish I was in Boston. In my room. My dad making something on the stove like grilled cheese. I miss home. I don't want to live in California anymore.
take me home
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
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11:49 am - HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF?
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I have the shortest attention span ever, Short of still being without employment and it looks like we will lose this appartment before the month is up I can't even stop to try and record some songs. I don't know whats going on other then I don't have a computer chair and sitting on this stoll 20 feet above the keyboard makes it really hard to type with my usuall speed and accuracy. WHOAH Nelly. I think I'll go lie on the rug and stare at the Blue channel which is the only station my TV can get in this Valey fucking shithole. Ahhhhhhhhhhh NEED JOB DAMN IT.
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Thursday, February 14th, 2002
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12:49 pm - YA I'M FROM BOSTON YOU HIPPY!
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Happy Valintines day world of livejournalers. Man I just got my car last night finaly. Now I can move around the land searching for adventure. cause this on foot stuff although healthy for me and the environment Hurts like a mother fucker after a whole day of it. I got my car cleaned soon as the sun came up. God it was filthy. This is good though cause now I could drive up to Portland to see my friends and I can drive to other parts of California thank the maker. Still don't have a computer in the appartment and have to go to her sisters or whereever else to get online. The same habbits however. Go on, check main, respond to mail, go to suicidegirls.com gaulk at really hot chicks, go to live journal and write till I want a ciggerett. Still no job but I'm hopeful now that I have a car I can get to other area's around that are hiring easier. (Damn Mary is hot),
Been writting some new music and its going well. Just need a recorder with 4 or more track capabilities saw one at the music shop for 140 dollars. Maybe when I have the cash after Rent, Car, Insurance, Food, Gas, Electric, and Phone. FUACK. I have to go to Sacramento right now so you all take care folks.
current mood: artistic
current music: Salt Water Taffy Music
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Thursday, February 7th, 2002
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10:05 pm - It's me Johnny Casino
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Yet I have nothing to talk about I'm rather bored hungry and out right horney. I hate myself sometimes.
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Sunday, January 20th, 2002
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3:02 am - T-3 hours 40 minutes.
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I figured I'd come online my last day here in my last hour in the house. rather buzzed from beer, nicotine patches and beer? no pain killers.
Oh man. This flight is gona be something.
hahahaha muahahaha I WILL RULE YOU!
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Saturday, January 19th, 2002
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4:39 pm - When you comming back son?, I don't know when. But things will be better then.
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We're gona have a good time then.
Well this is my last Saturday here in Boston Massachusetts the place that has been my home for the Intire span of my lifetime as of now. So goodbye Soffolk County untill (A new found interest in Massachusetts)occures. I will be living in California in less then 24 hours. I will no longer...be here.
I suppose I should finish packing and take my look around the house Remembering purposes or something.
shiiit. am I ready for this.
talk to you again when I have a computer.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Mission 120.. hahahahahah
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Friday, January 18th, 2002
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2:42 pm - What shall I do now?
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Sit and think, ponder the questions, wrestle with idea's, to write like the author wrote it. Funny how reading a good book or watching a rather good movie changes your perspective of life if only for a short while. I almost believed in the land of OZ and all its splendid and not so, inhabitants and surroundings. Nevertheless it was just fantasy. But I guess it taught me something. The ending deeply offended me though, I mean we all know how the story ended. The Wicked Witch of the West was accidentally assassinated by Dorothy Gale even though the girl was ordered (threatened to) by the Great and Powerful Wizard of OZ. But now knowing at least Mr. Maguire's version of the Green ones life, I feel for her. She was robbed of a soul I guess as far back as her intire linage. And in her only acts of honor she was turned on by everyone. I don't want to get into giving the story of her "Life and Times" away because I can imagine there are a lot of you out there who have yet to read this piece of literature.
I completely go wild over the question of this one thing, its hardly thought of in the book at all but. Did Elphaba exist because of the Wizard or did the Wizard exist because of Elphaba? And was the witch actually evil or was everything that happened around her make her react in a way others saw as evil. Nevertheless, That damn child should have never gotten those shoes!
Friday now, hardly any more wait for my move. Scared now I guess. I'm afraid I've gone to far into myself do to whatever it is my self isolation, I fear I'm not gona be able to come out of this shell again. I guess I only can pray that Cozie can get me out again. For as far as I know, besides my words of openness here. In the world. I do not exist in it for it exists in me. Whatever that means. I am too distant from what can be called reality to care. You get to a point where trying to get back is meaningless and your fear doesn't feel like fear instead you let more go, and faster you go sliding down your own dark path.
Physically I'm in not the best of shape earlier inthe month I tried working out a lot. And I did with some results but then subsided into a funk and tire spells caused by sleepless nights and aches all about the body and the thought of exerting myself only made my stomach turn. But oh does my back hurt...damn them for making me break it so young. I'm permanently hunched over. I straighten for company I guess to make me seem less detached. But hell I tell you I see people and I just wish they would stay the fuck away. To manypeople. I don't want to say good-bye to any of my friends here. (oh I'm not talking about them up above I ment strangers stay away) But mainly and I don't know if I can say their names so lets just use first name first letters. H. J. M. E. some chaps from college and ofcourse an ex girlfriend or two. I don't want to see a sad face before I leave, thetas so horrible. Why would you have someone's memory of you be of a sad face. Save the tears till they have past into the afterlife. not when they are just going on a trek to find themselves. I don't cry for them. I only wimpier and hope them good life. Don't really know maybe its my detachment I'm so afraid of. I've always been detached. I was never part of the fold. not that wanted to be, but on some levels I wish I had been more regarded as a follower then someone on the side lines. Maybe thats what I'm about to do. Get in the Game and score the points. Only I don't want to score points for or with anyone. I want to become.
So I'm going to go back into hermetation and read about the Hobbits.
"Oh, and if you have anything terribly important to say to Switch"
"not like this, Not like this."
"DAMN YOU SYPHER!"
current mood:  recumbent
current music: AbsoLutly
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Thursday, January 17th, 2002
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1:39 pm - what?
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I got a text message on my Cell phone at 9-something in the morning don't know what day Today I guess. But the amazing thing is I don't know who left the message and I don't have a clue how they left it. Because I don't have text messaging on my phone I didn't ask for that service. But apparently this annonomous person knows how to pull this off. But who are you?
current mood:  bitchy
current music: tired of sex, me
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Wednesday, January 16th, 2002
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10:47 am - Prediction or just foolish Nightmare?
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It's always easier to remember dreams that are frightening or surreal. But this is my dream.
Somewhere in the future though I do not know if its my own, I know that it is in a time that the President no longer uses secrete service but walks amongst citizens in constant campaigns of I believe fear politics surrounded by other diplomats. It's an age of war. Or is it the apocalypse. I am working at some sort of department store clerk I guess. I'm over by the electronic department and customers are huddled around a TV and I hear the News broadcast. "The presidents of our country and our foes abandoned peace talks once again and the country is in high alert of another nuclear attack. Brought on by the attack made by the US earlier this morning." I go back to work outside fixing our sale signs, I notice that a man of great importance is walking close by I notice because he is surrounded by protesters, then it happens. The clear sky turns a white gray gold color and Theres a sound of thunder. Someone yells "Here it comes!" I can only imagine this is the end of the dream (most of my Bomb dreams end the same Flash, Blast, Wake up.)But not this one wind begins to pick up I grab onto a bolted down rack outside as if that will do anything. I hold on and look down the street towards the corner of the megasized brick building A church across the street. a car fly's by followed by other debree's. I but my head down and hope it ends fast. It takes a long time to pass in the mean while a man has garbed the rack next to me, the president (no real president past or present but just the man). He's more frightened then I am. Why should anyone be more afraid then someone else. we are all going to die the same way I though. "It'l pass soon" said the President. And sure enough it was over, and to my dismay people get up dust off and go back to some normality as if it was just a tornado or a hurricane that swept through not nuclear fall out. I make with a quick remark. "In my time if there was such a time, Nuclear war was thought of as a finite act, here its like the exchange of e-mail." He looked at me puzzled and no wonder I wasn't an old man in this dream still myself 20. He walks on and gets in a car. Time goes by still the same day. I'm at the other end of the building now, Telling people to go home be with their family. Was I crazy I seemed to be the only one worried. then it happens again. Even louder. I run out side and I hear "There There Look at that its Huge" I turn and screamed for the people to hide. They laughed one woman said "The blast wont be here for another hour" I look at the blast and the shock wave and its absolute destruction. And I wake myself up.
Can't believe there would ever be a world like that. It was just to fucked up.
Well,. I have another thing to worry about. On my flight to cali I'm bringing my cords and peddles with me. And since they are going to check for explosives or chance explosives I wonder if they will tear through my bag. I just hope they know that my Danelctro Fab Tone is a musical instrument not a time bomb.
current mood:  amused
current music: CNN ofcourse
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Saturday, January 12th, 2002
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2:14 am - I wish I was dead
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my father caught me masturbating tonight. i think. he must have. I was drunk. looking at a porn site jerking off. and it must of been obvious BUT WHAT FUCKINBG RIGHT DOES HE HAVE COMING IN MY ROOM AT 2 am TO SAY ANYTHING T ME YHE ASSHOLE I WISH I KILLED JH< ME MAKEIONG MY LFIOE SUCK I CANTY SLEEP NPW I WAMT TO BE DEAD I HATE HIM HE SHOUL S IDE I HATE HI jaewrcvcxz; dd;lkj d;lkn
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Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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12:51 am - I made a movie once....FOR ME TO POOP ON
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The past two days have been fucking ...gone I can't remember anything really.
For starters I didn't sleep more then 3-4 hours in the span of maybe 3 days. But tuesday. was film shooting day. They spent forever at a location where I wasn't needed. Then they came to me. I sucked because I was incredibly tired. Then when I thought it was over. when I thought we were done the Director desides we will film our outdoor scenes. so we had to go Rather far away to film these shots. Its now 3 am and I'm finanly nailing my lines prety much. and also I've been awake around 60 hours. After I drop everyone else off, and get home around 6am I pass out. And wake up 12 hours later. and what angers me the most of thewhole day is 2 things. It's me and Gina's 1st year anniverser and we are a continent apart. And I was going to hang out with Em for an hour or two and have coffee but obviously was not in the living.
I feel like death, the dead do not want.
current mood:  drained
current music: The Cure, Love Song
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Saturday, January 5th, 2002
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6:37 am - when ever I'm alone with, myself.
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hahahaha MUAHAHAHA!!! I stayed up ALL night AGAIN!!!!
For starters and I think I already told Dave this and Cheryl. At about 12:30am I left my house to get some Wendy's and pick up a pack of smokes. I'm in the drive thru. I'm two cars behind. The Car behind me seems to take a really long time and I see that its getting close to 1am and thats when Wendy closes her window to the night walkers. 12:59am I'm at the intercom. "Hello?....1:02am Hello, you still open?....1:05am (KICK! SMASH!) "TAKE MY ORDER AHHHHHHHHHH!!!" 1:07am (brrrrooom, {at window} Knock! knock!) "HEY! I was at the order box before 1 Is anyone going to take my order or tell me your closed? What the hell your idiots I could of been like that guy in Falling Down and be having a bad day on my way to my daughters birthday with a bag of guns!....Hello" They egnoured me. bastards! They staired at me like I was speaking another language WAIT I WAS, I was talking in English!. 1:10am So I went to the only other place I could Dunks up on Rt 1. got a sandwich and a muffin and of course a coffee. Then I came home ate it smoked some ciggies and then around 3 started playing guitar. I opened up Cozie's Cure Disintegration song book. Taught myself Lulliby's tablature. but alot of the chords in the song are ones I can't Litteraly play either due to I don't know where on the fret to do this or my hands Can not cover that wide a scale. Anyway. then I learned how to play Love Song. and Pictures of You. Then I well durring I grabed this chord book Darren gave me and simply practiced every single chord 3 times over untill I looked over my sholder and it was DAY LIGHT... now here I am. I'm going to nap or stay up do something else for a while.
spiderman is having me for dinner tonight
current mood: amused
current music: CNN
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Thursday, January 3rd, 2002
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9:24 pm - I'm a daddy
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hehe, Today for the movie I'm in we filmed all the scenes we need of the baby. The baby was cool, really active. He only really cried when he was in the crib. Apparently the parents don't use a crib so I. Can imagine he was freaked the hell out. But what sucks is the audio wasn't working correctly and it would go out for seconds then back. very inconsistently so we may need to postpone shooting for a week which is a major pain in the ass. Cause I want to get it done. I'd like to be at the premiere if there is one before I move ya know. Haha the porno mags we have for this one scene are of the most obscene variety. They are nuts I don't know whether to get turned on or freaked out. Anyway. To they SuicideGirls.com people I'm having some subliminal product placement. the computer has the SG symbol as wallpaper and there is a flyer on the wall. If I had one of the T-shirts that would be ridiculous but who ha. Then after all that nonsense, I drove Venessa home (she plays my cousin in the film) She lives near this house I worked on a long time ago with Harkins.) Then got lost on the drive home but not bad. Talked to Cozie on the phone, miss her too much. I dunno what to do really. now sitting around I guess writing here. Well, I guess I'll stop now its hardly read anymore or commented on. That does not mean I want mindless comments! if you have a real question or comment that pertains to the subject then feel free. Later.
current mood: determined
current music: The Cure, Love Cats
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Wednesday, January 2nd, 2002
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4:44 pm - drip drip
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bleed my aging hands of all thats in them
Take out of siiiide of everything i am in
BREAK MY FACE APART AND SCATTER ALL THE LITTLE BITS
TAKE ME FOR A RIDE AND DUMP ME OFF IN A DITCH
RIDE with me DIE with me FACE ME in the dark.
Bleeding inward time to make way
for the new wave me
I've been here so very long I can't stand to breath
so
GRIND MY BONES INTO DIRT AND MIX THEM IN THE SAND
FEED MY ACHE'N SIDE OF ME TO THE HUNGRY SHARK
Bleeding Inward time to make way
For the new wave dream
I've been berried oh too long in my soaken sheets
so
..BLACK..TIRED..HUNGRY..DEATH AND PIRICY!
Time to make amend and carry out Time to fucking Let my old life go Time to make a move time to revolting round my head..ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
(emagine those lyricks with some really hard trancy gothic beats and destortion and me singing very angerly.) Thats my angry goth song.
inspired by me slicing my hand open with my xacto knife to try and get what I thought whas a ingrown hair out. ingrown hair, viens same difference. I'm ok though.
crap someone from the radio station called me and they want me to come in for the monthly meeting. I don't want to go. But I think I may. I'll use the opertunity to give them back my key cards and car keys. but then how do I get out of the garage without the card? hmmm. oh well.
want to move already.
current mood:  worried
current music: something surf like
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