![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
It's gnawing at me...the need to immerse myself in Story once more. Damn this thesis. The fast it gets written the better, in my opinion. I want a real job, I want money, and I want my brain back to be creative again. I don't have the choice whether or not to write. It's part of me. I need to begin writing again, to use it lance some of this poison inside of me. I will. It's rising to the surface again, after being chemically repressed for a long time. This should tell me that I am doing the right thing in getting off these drugs. Imagine a decade of this repressed... The drugs very possibly saved my life, but they have also stolen a part of it. A part of me. I need to write. I need to be alive, even if it means being in pain. Even right now, I can feel it. It takes a simple thing - reading through the friends list of someone on LJ, seeing the repartee that they have with others. I don't have that. I long to have that with every fibre of my being, but instead I just hide away, hidden in the corner in silence. The truth is that the two things are just different masks for pain - one chooses exuberance, one chooses introspection. Different facets. And yet still I long for that. I want to be the person who is sought out, who is cherished, whose opinion is respected, who people want to have around. And of course obsessing about these things makes me exactly the opposite. I know that. Most of the things that I worry about or want, I manage to end up creating the opposite situation. Then you turn your eyes, when people have gone away, given up finally. Aha! I knew it all along, no one likes me. See? A futile cry, a pathetic achievement. In our honestly, together we will rise out of our night minds and into the light at the end of the night...
listening: Enigma - Push the Limits
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
I know where I walk you can't always go For all my strange talk, you can't always know There's a madness in my soul, a demon in my head A power born of hollow hills, gold and twilight-led I know where I walk Great Pan is not dead. I know that my way don't always seem kind Sky-clad I grew once, root, leaf and vine If I speak of love now, speak of love for you Gather in the harvest, reap the brambles too I know that my ways lead now to you. There was a star once, o how it did shine Fell into the shadows, time out of mind There've been so many stars that did fall Hear the strains of madness, hear the demon's call There was a star once, now the dark is all. - Charles de Lint
listening: Something for Kate - No Man's Land
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif)
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
She dances though her life, a dervish forever on the edge of disintegration.
The sparks fly from her eyes and heels as she spins, trailing wing dust in her wake. Follow it, follow her, find nothing left but a shadow.
She is jealous of the connections, of the touches shared by others. It devours her from within, the needs drowning in blood and tears. They are the real monsters that hide beneath the bed, behind the cupboard, in the lingering smouldering darkness in the space between closed eyelids and cornea.
Just once, to be held, to be accepted. To have another fully open and trusting, forever open, forever connected by a spidersilk thread of hope. To be the one sought out, the one who none others can replace.
Her music is syncopated, feet stumbling to keep the rhythm. Fading, the footsteps falling on melting snow.
She is calling for you.
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |
|
![](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205083440im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/palimg/component/clear.gif) |