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seven crows
a secret never to be told...
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Bah
Updating from the abode of [info]mrq while he is sleeping.

The human suit is not being fun this weekend. Massage yesterday was glorious, until about an hour afterwards, when all my my muscles decided that it was time for them to stiffen up. End result was an afternoon of much pain, and when the worst of that subsided, utter exhaustion.

Yeah, I'm a party animal. Dragged myself off to sleep at about 10pm on a Saturday night. Managed to get a somewhat decent amount of sleep, though I was having weird dreams and waking up far too often. Woke up stiff and sore again. And shaky. Stupid human suit. Sigh.

But there shall be rejoicing, for today is the cute and wonderful [info]mrq's birthday. There shall be Scoobage this afternoon, and some very needed hugs for everyone.
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Story
It's gnawing at me...the need to immerse myself in Story once more.

Damn this thesis.  The fast it gets written the better, in my opinion.  I want a real job, I want money, and I want my brain back to be creative again.

I don't have the choice whether or not to write.  It's part of me.

I need to begin writing again, to use it lance some of this poison inside of me.  I will.  It's rising to the surface again, after being chemically repressed for a long time.  This should tell me that I am doing the right thing in getting off these drugs.  Imagine a decade of this repressed...  The drugs very possibly saved my life, but they have also stolen a part of it.  A part of me.

I need to write.  I need to be alive, even if it means being in pain.

Even right now, I can feel it.  It takes a simple thing - reading through the friends list of someone on LJ, seeing the repartee that they have with others.  I don't have that.  I long to have that with every fibre of my being, but instead I just hide away, hidden in the corner in silence.  The truth is that the two things are just different masks for pain - one chooses exuberance, one chooses introspection.  Different facets.  And yet still I long for that.  I want to be the person who is sought out, who is cherished, whose opinion is respected, who people want to have around.

And of course obsessing about these things makes me exactly the opposite.  I know that.  Most of the things that I worry about or want, I manage to end up creating the opposite situation.  Then you turn your eyes, when people have gone away, given up finally.  Aha!  I knew it all along, no one likes me.  See?  A futile cry, a pathetic achievement.

In our honestly, together we will rise out of our night minds and into the light at the end of the night...

listening: Enigma - Push the Limits

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Doing much better today.

Thank you to everyone who emailed SMSed and commented...it meant a lot.

feeling: okay
listening: Missy Higgins - All for Believing

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I know where I walk you can't always go
For all my strange talk, you can't always know
There's a madness in my soul, a demon in my head
A power born of hollow hills, gold and twilight-led
I know where I walk Great Pan is not dead.

I know that my way don't always seem kind
Sky-clad I grew once, root, leaf and vine
If I speak of love now, speak of love for you
Gather in the harvest, reap the brambles too
I know that my ways lead now to you.

There was a star once, o how it did shine
Fell into the shadows, time out of mind
There've been so many stars that did fall
Hear the strains of madness, hear the demon's call
There was a star once, now the dark is all.

- Charles de Lint

listening: Something for Kate - No Man's Land

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Still here
Disconnected, but still here.

feeling: sad
listening: Something For Kate - Stunt Show

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I don't think I can do this anymore.
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Huzzah!
Verily I rock.

For I have finished my Xmas shopping.

listening: William Shatner - You'll Have Time

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Cake!!
I am being inefficient PhD student this morning. Bah, I am entitled to have one morning like this every once in a while dammit. Spent my time graphing some results and eating everything in sight.

Yes, the metabolism is on crack today. I have eaten white chocolate and I have eaten cake.

It's been a while since I've had cake, since everyone always tends to bring in chocolate cake. But today there was an apricot flan. And it was good.

Now I have a sugar high. *bounces about*

And the caffeine is finally kicking in as well.

When I finish this thesis, I am going to have to reasses my caffeine intake I think. It's getting out of hand again, but what else can I do when I have zombie days. There are no spare brains around to eat, which is really quite indecent. Discriminatory to those life challenged amongst us, really. Someone ought to form a union.
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Meme
1. Reply to this post if you want to find out why I think you're awesome!

2. Watch my journal over the next few days for a post just about you and why I think you rock my socks.

3. Post these instructions in your journal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration!
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Why am I not on a tropical island somewhere today?
That's precisely where I feel like being today. On a tropical island, with absolutely nothing to do all day.

Instead I have the thesis, and some lab work. Fun fun stuff. Oh well, it has to be done.

Feeling okay today, though I was a little jittery when I woke up. Was very tempted to just skip the dose already today and get this damn stuff out of my system already. I was a good girl though.
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Distraction 101
Snaffled from [info]emu_bitter_babe

"If there is at least one person in your life who you consider a close friend, and who you would not have met without being part of an online community, post this sentence in your journal."

Seriously, if I did this, it would include everyone on my list.  The only exceptions are [info]finback and [info]chrisp, who I met at uni.  And [info]aphrodite, who I went to school with.  But then remet online through Wade.

I have only ever had one boyfriend who I haven't met online.

I am a social retard.  Give me my keyboard any day.  Especially if the other option is the phone *shudders*.


In other news, moved into the random hot and cold spells stage of this whole withdrawal shebang.  And my joints are hurting, which is making me worry that the stress on my body is causing the autoimmune stuff to flare up.  Ugh.

feeling: hot
listening: Tori Amos - Liquid Diamonds

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Someone bring me a beer right now.

*Why* am I craving beer?  Must be the weather.

feeling: thirsty
listening: Tori Amos - Hotel

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Star motes and dreams
She dances though her life, a dervish forever on the edge of disintegration.

The sparks fly from her eyes and heels as she spins, trailing wing dust in her wake. Follow it, follow her, find nothing left but a shadow.

She is jealous of the connections, of the touches shared by others. It devours her from within, the needs drowning in blood and tears. They are the real monsters that hide beneath the bed, behind the cupboard, in the lingering smouldering darkness in the space between closed eyelids and cornea.

Just once, to be held, to be accepted. To have another fully open and trusting, forever open, forever connected by a spidersilk thread of hope. To be the one sought out, the one who none others can replace.

Her music is syncopated, feet stumbling to keep the rhythm. Fading, the footsteps falling on melting snow.

She is calling for you.
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I am Jack's drug deprived brain
So, I can assume that I am feeling the first real effects of withdrawal. Massive crying fit last night, accompanied by severe depression and the desire to do very bad things. Managed to fumble my way through, thanks to [info]emu_bitter_babe, [info]mrq and [info]squasher. I might need you guys more as this damn process goes on.
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I need a hug :(

Okay, hello withdrawal insanity.

feeling: on the edge of tears
listening: Tea Party - Great Big Lie

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What would you do?
Pinched from [info]emu_bitter_babe

If you and I were alone in a room right now, what would we be doing?"

(Now post this in YOUR LJ, and see what people wanna do with you.)

*all entries are screened!

feeling: curious

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Another one bites the dust
I have before me the first draft of another results chapter.

Oh yeah.

I only have drafts of two more results chapters and my final discussion to go, and I have a full thesis draft.

I rock.

feeling: accomplished

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I told you I'm short
Just for anyone who doesn't believe that I'm short.  Though [info]mrq is also tall.

Ignore the fact that I look like an idiot :)

Tall and short )

feeling: amused
listening: Tea Party - Fire In The Head

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If these shadows have offended...
Advance warning to all:

If I am a bitch this week, or seem slightly unhinged, bear with me. Trying to get off medication.
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Big weekend
I go splat now :)

Will update properly tomorrow.

feeling: tired
listening: Tori Amos - Winter

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daughter of the moon
User: [info]azhure
Name: daughter of the moon
Website: Slipstream
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