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Friday, December 12th, 2003
10:18 am - i just made this long comment on a friend's journal and i gotta post it.

the way i see it, there is an endless amount of things we can discover/learn about the world around us and ourselves in our lifetime. and an endless number of ways in which we can grow from it. philosophers are famous for trying to speed that process up. "why are we here? what is life all about?" that kind of jazz. some people never get past high school-level thinking.

i like to start simple and ask things like "why do i have a tendency to do this particular thing?" simple logic, a+b=c. c is the present behavior. b is the present trigger for that behavior. a is the past event that laid the foundation for that reaction/behavior.

that way you learn things about yourself and work them out on your own. that right there is why i'm the only person in my family not in therapy.

for example. c=i want to vomit. and b=the smell of wine. but i've never had a drink, so i don't associate some horrible night of throwing up after having too much to drink with the smell of wine. in actuality, a=my father's drinking habit which consisted mostly of wine, and would result in vomit that reeked of the stuff. hence, to me, wine smells like ..well, vomit. pavlonian reaction you could say. sounds simple enough when i say it, but it's not always the first thing that would occur to you because the smell is mostly from memories of when i was very little and don't quite remember most of it. just knowing the process that my mind is going through to make me feel sick when i smell wine gives me the opportunity to break that reaction down. after all, you can't fix your problems until you've found them.


so what motivates you through life? have a nice job, get a house, get a family, yadda yadda, seems to be the typical appeal. society sets you up to think that if you never get married and have kids, and you never own a house or have a successful career, then you haven't lived. you've had an empty life. what bullshit. those kinds of goals seem too empty. empty because it's expected that everyone should just do it even if the desire never emerges. so i stick to learning about life, about people, about logic and characteristics and behavioral patterns. i want to see what makes me tick, and by learning that i can more easily spot what makes other people tick.

and i know i can't learn everything there is to know in my lifetime, but i'm content knowing that i can at least learn some of it. it's the whole thing you were saying about clarity, although maybe not exactly the aspect of which you were speaking, but seeing the world clearly. we are so skewed in our views from how we grew up, where we live, the community we live in, etc, that none of us live in the same world. you see the world completely differently than the way i see it. it may not be apparent to us what that difference is, but there is one. so by figuring out what things have affected my current behaviors, reactions, outlook, i can try to knock those things down and look at the world in a more impartial way, allowing me to see things that most people would never notice.


and i think life really is about growing, about making your way towards some fuzzy goal of whatever it is those philosophers go after, but not rushing towards it.

i was explaining to a friend last night, one of the aspects of why i don't drink or do any mind altering-drugs. it always seems to be difficult to articulate it correctly so that other people can understand how i see it. but it is very related to what i'm talking about here. my friend was telling me he saw nothing wrong with having a couple of drinks because it only really gets rid of or decreases your inhibitions. but wouldn't it be better to learn to be more open or more outgoing or more bold on your own than to take the easy way out and rely on the drink to do it for you? it builds confidence. sure, it might be difficult to force yourself to do it, but it breaks down your barriers. hell, it just plain builds character.


and as for the rest of the mind-altering spectrum, no matter what the person's explanation of why they do it, it's a change. it changes the way you see things. basic fact. hence the term mind-altering. but why is it necessary? things in life pass so quickly, here and gone, and we never get to have any moment twice. so why skew it? do it to have fun? make your own fun. i've seen people who do drugs and say they do it because it's fun, and then after a while, they forget how to have fun any other way. and i'm not saying that happens to everyone, but it's sad to think that with all the things we have in the world around us, and all the people, that someone would choose to skew it for fun instead of enjoying what's right here.

then there are people who do it to escape something, although most won't admit or realize it if they are. and that, as everyone knows, doesn't solve anything. it's completely counterproductive to the whole growth and learning thing. it's a cop out, a cheap shortcut.


personally, i've been through too much shit without the help of anything artificial like that and i can damn well survive the end of the world without it too. it's about strength and independence. it is, again, about growing.

and i'm damn stubborn.

(23 kisses ...kiss me)

Saturday, October 25th, 2003
10:45 pm - ok, that's it

this journal is going friends-only. like so many others. to those of you who aren't on my list, i apologize, but if you aren't on it, chances are i don't know you all that well. if i do happen to know you well and forgot to add you, let me know. if i know you well and you have no lj account and are really that desperate to keep reading, then i think i may have some more codes to set up an account for you. that is all.

goodnight.

(7 kisses ...kiss me)

Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
10:13 am - !!

Look!!! )

current mood: surprised

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Monday, October 20th, 2003
8:38 pm

i have been reading The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul for the second time for the last few nights/days. at the same time i have also read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy for the umpteenth time, and having finished it again, started reading The Restaurant at the End of the Universe for very nearly, but not quite, the umpteenth time. i'm about halfway through it. i've also just finished reading Soul Music for the very first time, and started on Theif of Time but sort of lost touch with it over the last week. i had also started The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents but failed completely to get into it. so at present i'm reading two books i've already read, and as a result of all this literature, i'm feeling very british.

but that's not the point of this post. i came across a couple of pages describing some interaction between two characters in The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul. one of the major characters, Kate, had just come home after a long day of trying to find the man she had spoken to at the airport check-in counter, who had seconds later, apparently blown up taking a large part of the terminal with him. she only realized this after waking up out of her minor coma days later, and was relieved she had missed her flight to oslo after all. the odds had been against her from the start. i quote:

read on.. )

(2 kisses ...kiss me)

Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
11:15 pm - ..

there is so much shit i would just love to let go right now, but i've got this little thing called restraint. FUCKING HELL. i don't think my teeth can take much more of this.

(4 kisses ...kiss me)

1:09 am - i think i'm turning into a sex kitten.

thanx you guys, to all of you who gave me hugs. didn't expect so many. :p

thoughts are a bit scattered today. sort of in a down mood. part of it is the shitty store they put me in for work, part of it is being so far away from my guy, part of it is probably just winter blues. i'll soon be having a flashback experience. my old friend dan is coming to visit next tuesday. we have a strange kind of dynamic, and i know it's just going to bring me right back to about 2 years ago mentally. which is weird. i haven't actually seen him in a year. (yah, hi dan, i'm talking about you.) anyway, it'll be nice to break up my weekly routine.

a couple of weeks ago i was thinking about what to do for my 21st birthday next month. i was thinking a gathering of close friends and dinner at the olive garden. i don't like parties. but now i'm thinking i don't even want to do anything. at all. i've just no desire.

things i have to do: transfer to a different store. finish unpacking. make plans with evan. make plans with maxx. stop worrying about money. make plans with nick (both of you). paint. visit friends on cape. ..the likeliness of all of that happening is slim since i only really have one day off a week. bah.

january is all work and no play.

current music: Abandoned Pools - Never

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Sunday, October 12th, 2003
9:33 pm - come on now, don't be shy.

who wants to hug me?

(13 kisses ...kiss me)

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
6:18 pm - argh!

i need to rant. let me rant. i need to be transfered. i just had my first day of work at the new store and it was so incredibly pathetic that i want out right now. i was there for 8 hours and the store altogether only made about $530 in sales, which was made worse by the fact that it also had $150 in returns. so just under $400 in sales really, and $300 of it was mine. so what's that mean you ask? no commission! fuck that! i can't be wasting my time at a store that doesn't even break a grand total for the day! i usually break a grand in my own sales. fuck. fuck. fuck. and that's where they put me.

i have to give them the benefit of the doubt though because i got rehired in the boston district and then transferred to this district before they even had me in a store at all, so they don't know anything about me. hell, they thought i was a brand new employee and needed to be trained. well fuck that too. but i can't get mad at them for putting me in a crappy store since they didn't know i'm way too freakin good for it. but now the problem arises, how long do i wait before telling them i need to transfer to a better store? i saw their up against numbers from last year (how much they did in sales last year each day this month) and only about 4 days out of the month was it over a grand. that makes me really sad. and i know the manager really needs help. they sent me in as relief. but damn! he can't need much help because they don't get any customers! give me something to work with!

and not only that, but when there are no customers for hours at a time, the day just drags and drags and it seems like forever. i want business. boom boom boom, wow it's time to leave already. but i don't have the heart to tell the manager i already want to leave. so i called my old manager from this past summer and asked him what he thought i should do. he said he'd talk to my old district manager tomorrow and see if she can do something, because she thinks i'm gold. and i am, damnit. i need to be in a mall store with lots of traffic. i can sell like nobody's business. and i can't be wasting my time making shit money. if i wanted to do that i could just go back to a mindless job at officemax making $8.50/hr. fuck that too. gimme customers. gimme cell phones to sell, laptops, sattelite. spiffs man! i need spiffs! i need money so i can visit my boyfriend :(

current mood: disgruntled

(3 kisses ...kiss me)

Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
2:55 am

my sister was sick. she was vomiting all over the place and kept coming towards me. so i kept running away. she went up to the third floor to find a bathroom and at first i was trying to help her. i opened the first door on the left at the top of the huge oak spiral staircase and it was a narrow, dirty little room with a chalkboard at the front and two old abandoned looking toilets with no covers. the rest of the room was lined with old dusty schooldesks, stretching to the back. i basically said "what the fuck" to myself and opened the next door down the hall. that was the real bathroom but my sister had already started throwing up in the school room. then she started walking towards me again and i kicked my feet till i had made my way up to the ceiling above the staircase. i was just barely out of her reach.

then some guy came running down the 3rd floor hallway with 3 strange characters chasing after him. they were taunting him and he was screaming and panicked. they caught up to him at the top of the stairs, just below me, and they all fell over each other and formed a huge tumbling ball. the stairs gave out from all the weight and 20 or so steps crumbled, leaving the staircase to lead nowhere. the doorframe to the third floor hallway became animated, somewhat drawn, somewhat stop-motion style. it laughed at everyone in general and asked "how do you have a third floor with no access?" then it went quiet.

i went down the stairs by way of floating to the bottom in between the spiral. i found myself in the livingroom and there was a man at the front door who was moving parts of the house out of place. he was obviously responsible for the rucus upstairs too in some way. he'd taken the window above the front door down. it was a half circle, and he was sliding it down his right leg. he couldn't so much just pluck things off the wall, he had to shift them, push them and slide them. the door itself had developed a face, and the man was standing right in front of it, ignoring the fact that the face in the door was yelling at him and taunting him. i felt some obligation to protect the house because it seemed everyone was abusing it. the door and walls were flat surfaces with moving image, and i tried to push the man into the door, like a portal. if i could push him past the surface, the house could beat the hell out of him. the man braced himself against the door frame and the house laughed. the image of a long, skinny arm, like the branch of a tree, flashed across the door. the house laughed again and the arm reached out past the surface of the door and became solid and grabbed the man by the torso, his arms pinned to his sides. it started chewing on his head and blood went everywhere. i hadn't expected this. i didn't think the house was this mean.

then it started shouting at me, heckling me, oggling me. it said i looked pretty tasty, and i ran back towards the stairs. i floated back up to the third floor, up to the ceiling, above the collapsed stairs, and the arm reached out for me. the house laughed some more with the man in one arm like a limp doll, and tried to grab my ankles to pull me down with its free arm. i was kicking at it so it wouldn't be able to get a grip. kicking so it wouldn't kill me. and when i woke up i heard the bed squeak. i must have been kicking here too.

current mood: blah

(2 kisses ...kiss me)

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
11:08 am - don't subject my subjects to this subject.

maclab. no classes today or tomorrow. won't start work till next week. in boston with none of my stuff to work with or occupy me. bah. so i came here in some attempt to give myself a project to do but i can't think of anything. i suppose i could go shopping for work clothes, since i don't have any and can't start work without them. but i'd rather not spend any money today and i don't feel like walking around boston by myself feeling all icky.

i'm not dead or anything. i'm just not posting much. or maybe i am dead and just don't know it. maybe i'll go into a zombie-like daze at night and creep into your rooms and do bad zombie things to you. or maybe i just watched way too much buffy last night.

i've been vulnerable to the yucky hormonal mood swings of womanhood for the past couple of days now and it's really getting annoying. i haven't snapped at anyone or yelled or even scolded. so if i hadn't mentioned it you wouldn't even know. but that's because i'm making a conscious effort to suppress it. i know some people think mood swings are just bullshit and a good excuse to act like a bitch. but personally, i'm goin with - they do happen. there is a such thing as pms. but hey, that's still no excuse to act like a bitch. know your limitations. take precaution if you know you're edgy. be smart about it damnit.

and if someone tells you they're in a bad mood, never respond with "whatever." we all know that.

the epic continues with my complete lack of ability to sleep past 8am. as a matter of fact, it's become 7:45am now. no alarm, no nothin. just *bing* and i'm awake. like magic. the amazing waking amber. and then i'm sleepy by noon. grr..

this whole plane ticket thing is driving me crazy too. chances are i won't be able to fly out to san fran in january. i just don't have the funds. but we'll see. i just can't leave myself with no money in the bank. and if i go out there, that's likely what'll happen.

and why is it so difficult to convince people of my convictions? just because other people change their minds doesn't mean i will. i've got too many reasons, i'm too damn stubborn, and it means too much to me.

current music: the dandy warhols - a bohemian like you - track 5

(2 kisses ...kiss me)

Thursday, September 18th, 2003
9:16 am

what the hell is up with me not being able to sleep past 8am every morning?! i'm TIRED! not to mention there ain't nothin to do this early. been wandering around my room for an hour tryin to find stuff to do.

on another note, i had a dream that i was at a restaurant/club type place with larry and we were dancing together, close together. and oddly enough i remember a fischerspooner song playing. hah! a dream date. hehe. get it? get it? silly me. i miss him. but i keep trying to tell myself january isn't that far away. he's worth the wait.

i've been juggling a lot lately though. financial aid screwed me this year so i can't afford my apartment anymore. so i've been looking for a new place for october on, and looked at a few places near school. one place was really promising, i met all the roommates, blahblah, no conflicts came up, and then last second one of them called me up and said "oh yah, turns out one of our friends needs a place. sorry." but you know what? the guy was a snob anyway, i wouldn't have liked living with him. so there are a few other places i might take a look at if i can get ahold of the damn people. but i'm trying to gear myself towards living with my aunt till january, then moving in with tom. that would be ideal. the only problem is finding space to put my futon/desk. so i've been checking into storage space too, although, i still have to hear back from my aunt on her verdict which should be sometime today.

also got myself rehired at the same ol' company, but if i end up at my aunt's i'll have to tell them to transfer me before i even get into a store. which they almost certainly won't like very much, but i signed an "at will" employment. i didn't promise anything. but anyway, the plan i'm hoping will work out is this: stay at my aunt's this winter through the end of december, work weekends, commute to school 3 days a week (stay overnights at tom's on thursdays to save commuting in the morning on fridays which makes it 2 days of commuting), save enough extra money for a ticket to san fran in january. i'd be moving into tom's in january and paying rent for that month even though i won't really be there (assuming i get my plane ticket). but it's between whether i can get the extra money, whether i can stay at my aunt's, and whether i'll need to work in january to afford all my living expenses for the next few months after that. so things are extremely up in the air right now. tom thinks i'm handling the stress exceptionally well. but i'm in juggle mode, not panic mode, so that's got a lot to do with it. this is beyond panic, this is the point where you go "well it's up to me, better get my shit together." luckily i managed to get here without really panicking all that much first anyway. (:

oh but the juggling doesn't stop there! i had to re-register all my classes by having each teacher sign a form because financial aid didn't pay my bill on time along with not giving me enough aid. so the school dropped my schedule. one of the classes i couldn't get into, although it was the boring one anyway. and i needed the credit for one more course to up my stafford loan, so i went to the registrar and negotiated a transfer credit for an english course i took 3 years ago. took my transcript straight to financial aid, had them up my loan. after that i went to speak with one of the sim advisors about the possibility of me skipping the third year of the program. she said they could do a portfolio review at the end of the year to see how far along they think i am. otherwise i'll have major difficulties making a full-time schedule my last year, even if i only take 4 classes every semester till then.

enough rambling though. time to get breakfast.

current music: Stereolab - Parsec

(3 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, September 14th, 2003
4:44 pm - a silver mount zion

let our crowds be fed on
tear gas and plate glass
'cause the people united
is a wonderful thing

i know that you're dying
and i know i'm unwell
and together we sashay
through variations of hell

and as you walk through valleys of fear
the lure of my past never near

oh don't be afraid
for the parade will not pass our way
it's nobler to never get paid
than to bank on shit and dismay

current music: a silver mount zion - a movie (never made)

(...kiss me)

2:47 pm

fields and acres, trees and guitars. docks and snakes, sandy roads, marshes, rivers. grape vines. blackberry bushes. honeysuckle, inch worms, and bicycles. take a long walk, never come back.

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Saturday, September 13th, 2003
5:37 pm

someone remind me why i'm going to a kegger tonight?

(13 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, September 7th, 2003
10:52 pm - something's not right.

utopia. nothing's ever perfect. some times are better than others. right now is very empty. right now feels very cold. i need a flame to warm me up. hopefully one will visit soon. there's such a gaping hole in me right now and it'll take an awful lot to fill it. i've been thinking far too much lately for my own good. i've been holding things back, not saying them because i can't decide if it's the best thing to do or not. and it's driving me crazy. i can barely organize my thoughts. there are so many things running through my mind at once that i can't get a grasp on a single one of them. distance, time, larry, school, money, apartments, dad, projects, class, friends, family, position, future, future, future. 3 years, and what's going to happen? can we even make it, and what if we do, what then? ..what then? then things will have to be settled. i don't know what'll happen.

i don't want to be back in boston. i want to be on cape even less. i can't decide about san fran. i'm tired. i just want to be nowhere so i can relax. but i can't relax. i'm alone in my room with nothing to do, no obligations for the next few days, and i can't relax. i just hope this is some crazy mood swing, because that means it'll end soon. i'm so low, i don't know how i'm going to get back up.

i feel my father creeping in..

(3 kisses ...kiss me)

Thursday, September 4th, 2003
12:53 pm - all these people around and i still feel completely alone.

i had a dream last night that some guy attacked me with a huge knife, and while i was able to get the knife away from him, whenever i tried to cut him with it he was unaffected. and then the dream continued with me being all panicked because i was missing the first day of all my classes, and had no way to get to them while i was limping around an empty apartment, wincing with pain and bleeding all over the place. woke up at 9am. felt unbelievably lonely because i am, in fact, staying in an empty apartment right now.

i can't even put into words how much i miss larry right now.

current mood: lonely

(3 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, August 31st, 2003
10:45 pm - i'm back in black.

chris monday night.
tom tuesday and wednesday night.
evan thursday night.
tom again on friday night, and an anti-orientation massart bash.
desi and the cape on saturday and sunday.

thank god for friends. my brain needs a break. hopefully i won't see any smoke in my dreams.

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Saturday, August 30th, 2003
6:59 pm - this sucks.

while my trip was really great and wonderful, i'm home now and i feel really awful. i don't want to be here, and i've got another issue i can't stop thinking about (and no it's not about the distance). i hate being unhappy.

(5 kisses ...kiss me)

Friday, August 8th, 2003
8:03 pm

i almost posted last night. but then i decided to start packing instead. that's right folks, only 4 more days until i'm off to cali. and you thought it might never come.

things are speeding up now. saw rickaby the night before last before he went off to jersey. took a long walk and miraculously wasn't eaten alive by insects. my sister was here for a couple of days flipping out because she thinks she might be about to lose her job. we had three new employees come in today for training (finally, help! and of course just when i'm leaving.) one of those new employees is sean. damn him for not applying sooner. and he got his tongue pierced yesterday. now he has a lisp. muahahah!

i'm going to be hanging out with him tomorrow night after work, and possibly his friend evan too. no clue what we're gonna do, but i'm sure it'll be fun. it always is. sunday i'll probably end up hanging out with jim one last time and watching six string samurai. he's supposed to visit me up in boston this winter. and he invited me to a party the weekend i come back from cali so i'll see him again. monday i'm hanging out with padraic, and then he's giving me a ride to the bus at 6:40pm. i will then arrive at south station at 8:10pm where tom will be waiting to greet me (unless he's late). and after dropping my things at his apartment, we're going to head off to the imax theatre at the aquarium and see the matrix reloaded (which i haven't seen yet, and yes, i have heard it's awful.) tuesday i hang out more with tom and stop by massart to talk to the registrar. then it's off to the airport, and to cali! oh my, oh my. what a full schedule.

and all i can think about is getting there.

current mood: expectant
current music: Tori Amos - Doughnut Song

(5 kisses ...kiss me)

Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
11:06 am - !!!

only
ONE WEEK
plus 13 hours, 24 minutes, and 35 seconds until i land in cali.
6 hours, 58 minutes, and 35 seconds until i board the plane in boston.
my brain is beginning to malfunction. this is going to be wonderful.


current mood: ecstatic

(5 kisses ...kiss me)

Friday, August 1st, 2003
11:21 am - imagine that: 11 days, 13 hours, 5 minutes, and 16 seconds

still alive, still kickin. i've got a lot to do before sunday night. sorta. i have to finish larry's painting because i promised jim i'd show it to him. guess i've got a new fan. he loves all my portraits. i also have to burn a bunch of cds for him because i promised that too. he's interested in what i listen to because i keep playing cds at his house that he's never heard before and likes very much. read: the faint, underworld, godspeed you! black emporer. but i'm also gonna make him some copies of lo fidelity all stars, daft punk, orbital, the dandy warhols, the postal service, abandoned pools, and if i'm feeling daring, perhaps some mindless self indulgence. etc, etc. and while i'm doing that i have to make copies of all the cds i want to take to san fran so i don't have to bring my originals in case i lose them.

i know there was more i had to do.. oh, right. i've gotta go up into the attic and get some of my stuff down, including my copy of six string samurai so jim and i don't end up spending yet another evening sitting on his porch doing nothing. not that doing nothing is bad, his porch is freaking awesome. but yah. i'd like to have somethin to do at least. last week we went to cold storage beach and i rolled my pants up as far as i could and walked through the water. it was actually pretty warm. it's a shame i didn't have my swimsuit with me.

ah, nice. torrential downpour. and wet cat too. i'm sure work will be just thrilling today. i'm getting sick of not having a schedule for the week. i'd like to know when i'm working so i can try to make plans with people but apparently my manager thinks i live to work like he does. he and i are the only people on staff now. he'd be so screwed if i quit. not that i'm going to. because i talked to the district manager yesterday while she was visiting our store, and talked to her about my future plans with the company. i told her i'd talk to my roommate about whether i could take the month of january off from rent since i wouldn't be there the whole time anyway, and if he says okay then i'll come back and work for that period of time. aside from that i'll return to the company (though perhaps not the same store because i don't know where i'm living next summer) and work every summer while i'm still in college. after i graduate, i'm going to transfer to a store in california, wherever i may desire to live at that time so that i will already have a job before i get there. the DM said that sounds great and she could definitely transfer me to cali no problem. so why would i quit? (although, yah i quit while i was in boston, but that's cause my manager was a real ass. and while my DM was on the phone with boston's DM yesterday she asked him about my old manager. and guess what. he's still having employee issues! everyone keeps quitting on him. surprise, surprise. what an ass.)

pat's right though. i talk about work too much. and on that note, i've gotta get ready for it. blech.

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
3:46 am - fuck you womanhood!

can't sleep. cramps. tummy. pain. ow. i hate being female.

(4 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, July 27th, 2003
8:40 pm - Paul: 16 days, 3 hours, 42 minutes, and 43 seconds

so. i think my manager needs a swift kick in the ass to teach him a lesson about leaving the store a complete mess for me to walk into the next morning and have to clean up. seriously, it's embarrassing to have customers walk into such a pit. and i really wanted to kill him for it this morning. little plastic bags and shreds of paper and tags on the floor, here and there fallen products and a messy pile of phones in thier boxes. the place looked like shit. they should at least be calling me the assistant manager for all the stupid crap i somehow become automatically responsible for. i open and close the store all the time and always have to tell bruce how to do everything. really, for all intensive purposes, i am the assistant manager.

/end bitch.

on a brighter note, i can't wait till sean finally gets through all the hiring paperwork so he can start. he stopped by today before i closed up and just talking to him for five minutes made me remember how much i love to have friends like him. he makes me laugh and smile and light up, and i'd forgotten about all that after doing nothing but working with ungrateful customers all day. friends like sean make me feel all warm and fuzzy and happy. and i wish i had more like him. and, on that note, i wish i saw him more than once every couple of weeks for five minutes. ..but that's why he applied to work with me. (:

i think that's part of what is so great about larry. it's a slightly different dynamic than the one sean and i have, but it results in the same kinda feeling. friends first really is a wonderful thing. i think i might paint something for him tonight or tomorrow, but i've yet to decide what. i just want to paint something, anything in general, but lately i've had a lack of imagination.

tomorrow == day off. yay! jimmy G. is gonna be finishing off the garage in the morning. well, finishing the framing part of it at least. they're doin such a great.. quick job. it's nifty. i'm gonna hang out with him tomorrow night. and we'll probably do a whole lotta nothing, but it's nice to see him again. i've only hung out with him one day since uh..8th grade just about. and that one day was roughly over a month ago.

--note that two and a half hours have just passed--

this is why i don't update often. anyway, sean hasn't called about further plans for tonight, the brat. that's his downfall. he's horrible with plans and always cancels. makes things really irritating. but, whatever, i'll just burn some cds and paint something tonight. eat some grape tomatoes, have some ice cream, relax. larry's goin to a cookout. he has another sunburn. silly boy. i've arranged to hang out with tom the night before and the day of my flight to san fran so i won't be wandering around alone waiting to leave. i'm lucky to have good friends like him. don't even know him very well if you really think about it, but we're just automatically good, reliable friends. funny thing after spending the entire semester in class with him, not saying hello, and constantly thinking of how much he reminded me of rincewind even though they're nothing alike.

anyway, party post. i know everyone is probably looking to compare notes/opinions on last night's birthday party for steve. for those of you who weren't there, i was one of only two people who didn't drink all night. which, is a little surprising to me because i expected to be the only one. i'm afraid that some of the people there last night might be offended by my opinion of the going-ons, but i'm just being honest. the night seemed to start off with shot glass chess, that being the center of much attention. it looked neat and all with all the light shining on the glass, but i find that at a lot of parties involving young crowds, alcohol often becomes too much of a focal point. i just kind of sat around and watched for a while. then the strip twister started while chess was still going on, which is all fine and dandy, but i didn't watch because i didn't particularly want to see any of the people involved without their clothing. not my cup of tea. after a couple of hours the chess was finally over and people started moving around a bit more. steve was then available for social interaction, and i went and talked to him for a bit. if it weren't for steve's birthday, i honestly wouldn't have shown up at all. it was a long drive, and it's been a long week.

a few more people filtered in later on, such as masha and her boy, and paul. and one more person i don't know. nice to see paul and masha though. and i had a good time hanging out with people. and i'm happy everyone else had a good time, but really, just not my cup of tea. i just think it's kind of a waste to put so much weight and so much focus on drinking or getting drunk at parties. there are plenty of other fun activities that don't involve alcohol. even just good company is enough for me. but don't misunderstand. i'm not talking about the simple fact that people were drinking. it's just the amount of focus applied to the drinking, and the fact that, for example, a girl who was completely capable of standing up and making it to the last stage of twister, suddenly started saying how incredibly drunk she was over and over while redressing and stumbling like she was going to fall over just from standing up. i mean, first if she was perfectly capable of playing twister, she can certainly stand upright two seconds later without trouble. and second, i think it's really silly when people feel the need to tell everyone a million times how drunk they are or in some cases how stoned they are. no biggie though. it's just not my cup of tea, that's all. but no more pink stucco parties for me. from a sober point of view, it's a little too boring for a two hour drive.

now, hopefully after that no one is mad at me. and i guess i should vaccuum the livingrooms now. :/

(6 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, July 20th, 2003
11:10 pm - countdown: 23 days, 1 hour, 16 minutes, and 16 seconds

scheiße. mein gesamter Tag ist vergeudet worden. i din't get to sleep till 4:30am last night, worked 11-5 today with bruce (which was incredibly dull cause the store was dead today). stopped at the bank on the way home and dropped off the day's deposit, then went straight to bed when i walked in the door. didn't mean to fall asleep. especially not for 5 1/2 hours.

i've gotta go to boston tomorrow. i'd really rather not, but i have to. i have things at school to straighten out. and tomorrow is my only day off this week. *curse* *curse* *curse* GRRRR. i hate not having any help. hopefully the kid who dropped off his application today will get hired. and hopefully it won't take two weeks to hire him like it usually does. i wish i could just go to the beach tomorrow and relax. fooey. anyone gonna be in boston who wants to have lunch or somethin? lemme know.

it seems i keep missing larry by just a couple of hours. i think this has happened for about three days in a row now. it's getting very frustrating. tried calling him a couple of times earlier today, but no luck. i'm beginning to feel a little hopeless. but i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that things suck right now (ie work). i'm in no mood for hope.

(5 kisses ...kiss me)

Friday, July 18th, 2003
8:22 pm - 25 days, 4 hours, 3 minutes, and 51 seconds

i keep reading everyone else's entries and never making any of my own. bad amber, bad. i've been tired an awful lot lately. went to the beach with chet on tuesday, went to the beach and had to leave because it was too windy/not sunny enough with tom on wednesday. both nights were followed by food at ocb. as nifty as that sounds, you don't want to do ocb two nights in a row. it takes all the fun out of it.

just when i think i'm about completely fed up with stupid people at work, i get two days off. it keeps me sane. this next week, that won't happen. it SUCKS. we're low on people so i have to work 6 days instead of 5. and the one day i have off i have to drive to boston to pick up some stupid refund check that is going to expire really soon, and the school won't even tell me how much it's for. watch it be for like $20. grr... so this week is gonna suck and amber is going to be cranky. 25 more days till san fran. i can make it.. i can make it.. i think i can.. i think i can..

mm..tired. eat or sleep? coffee ice cream! ooh, i'm off!

current mood: ice creamalicious
current music: Steve Miller - Abracadabra

(1 kiss ...kiss me)

Saturday, July 12th, 2003
11:39 pm - boys had better beware

laying in bed on your back with a laptop on your stomach is definitely the best position to be using a computer. of course, it helps that i'm exhausted. but it's not a "i have no energy left to lift my own limbs with" kind of exhausted. it's a "i'm so sleepy i think i'm going to fall over" kind of exhausted. larry said he would try to call me tonight, but this whole three hour difference makes things difficult. while it's 11:32pm here at the moment, and a completely reasonable time to be tired and want to go to sleep at, it's only 8:32pm there, and he probably isn't even home yet. and as much as i'd like to stay up till he gets home so i can talk to him (i haven't seen him online in about 3 days though i did talk to him on the phone for about 15 minutes earlier today), i'm too tired to stay up much longer. i'll have to catch him tomorrow.

i feel like today has been a failure, and for good reason too. things i meant to do today: get windsheild glue, organize new pictures to be sent, find a good new pair of work shoes or all black sneakers to replace my old ones, burn some cds, get a new bike seat, go to the beach, read a little, draw something, etc, etc.

the things i actually did today: went to work, went to the beach for an hour and a half, read maybe 15 pages of a book, did chores, went to hyannis for no good reason, and now i'm here. and sleepy. reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaally sleepy.

goodnight!

(6 kisses ...kiss me)

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
9:58 pm - bwaahh

bleh blah blah blah bwah wahh bwahh bwwah. blahdy blah blah bwah bwaah blah bwah.

amber oot.

(6 kisses ...kiss me)

Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
1:07 pm - must motivate self. sun must come out so i will want to go to the beach..

i've got a stain on my pants from one of the flowers that someone went around picking for me the other night. a yellow pollen stain. i hope it will come out cause it looks pretty icky.

anyway, i woke up about an hour ago and have yet to leave my bed. i will soon. i have to take a shower. and then go to the beach. but for your enjoyment, i give you:


look! amber just woke up.


yah, that was about 45 minutes ago, maybe even an hour. but, moving on, dan is supposed to be visiting today. he's supposed to show up tonight but with him, who knows. he's so incredibly unreliable. but. whatever. i'm just glad it's my day off. i've been makin a lot of money at work lately, but it still sucks. and on that note, why i am here on my day off? it's shower/beach time. (:

current mood: beachy

(2 kisses ...kiss me)

Sunday, July 6th, 2003
7:27 pm - hmm

what the frig? i just noticed two more bruises i didn't see yesterday. big dark bruises at that. one on the back of my right calf, and on my upper left thigh. and i already have two really dark thumb-print shaped bruises on my right arm, which are most likely from rickaby friday night. guess i need more iron in my diet. cause i'm bruising far too easily these days.

(3 kisses ...kiss me)

7:13 pm - let's see if i can turn this day around..

get ready for a bitch/whine session. you don't have to read it, you've been warned.

if you so dare.. )

(3 kisses ...kiss me)


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