| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
warning sign - coldplay |
] |
i've had this off and on again relationship with a guy named brian for going on 2 years now. he was in law school and just took the bar exam at the end of july and now he is back in san luis. he called me on friday to let me know that he was going to be back in town on sunday. i invited him to see farenheit 9/11 with ellen and i on monday night because it's $4 movie night at the palm theater. he said that he would love to because although he is skeptical about michael moore, he is still a liberal and wanted to see for himself what the movie was all about. i had already seen the movie with my mom in lafayette when it first came out but ellen really wanted me to go with her, so there you go. these details are useless really but i'm practicing being a real writer and real writer use a lot of useless details in order to fill page space. sorry for the inconvenience.
monday comes around and i wake up and go to the store for some pizza dough so that i can make another calzone with the leftover filling i still had from the week before. when i return, i find a cd on my front door step. it is a cd from brian that he had promised to me back in the month of may as a way to "express himself". he had finally gotten around to delivering it. i enjoyed the cd and of course, read into it all the romantic subtext i could wrap my imagination around. when i questioned brian about it's romanticism, he completely denied that it' had any, that the cd was just a collection of songs, in alphabetical order, that he found musically great or that had some impact on his life, nothing to do with our relationship or lack there of what so ever. i was of course dissappointed to hear this.
i made him a "retaliation" cd in response, although mine admittedly did have a not so subtle romantic subtext. i was planning on giving it to him on monday night but he couldn't make the movie. he ended up needing to borrow a friend's van to go to the bay area again to move some larger items he couldn't fit the day before. he was counting on his summer roommate to help him move these things but after hours of waiting, gave up and moved what he could by himself and left the rest. he said he had thought about asking for my help on multiple occasions but did not wish to inconvenience me. i would have helped him in a heartbeat and told him so.
so, i called him after the movie because earlier, i had expressed how eager i was to see him as it had been months since he was studying to take the bar exam and all the contact we had were weekly phone conversations and i was lucky to get even that, according to him. i called him once the movie got out but he was already in bed and i was exhausted as well. i asked when i was going to see him and he said, "what about wednesday for lunch?". he said that the following day, tuesday, he was already lunching with his best friend john who was in town from indiana only until thursday. then, he had plans with his friend larry to go work out at the pismo beach club. then at 7:30 pm, he was meeting with the band to decide if he was going to rejoin the band or if his substitute would fill in permantely because he didn't know where he would be getting a job as chances were that it would be out of the area. i expressed sadness that i would not get to see him until wednesday and he responded with a "well, what do you want me to do?". i said that i was just dissappointed that he was not as anxious to see me as i was him, especially after we hadn't seen each other in so long. he again, shrugged this off. i said that i was entitled to my emotions, as he tried to recover with a rationale for why we couldn't see each other sooner.
this is normal brian behavior. he gives me enough to keep me around but he never really gives me what i need or prioritizes me in his life. we've had countless conversations about this fact and he's always able to rationalize things to keep me around. i'm too emotional. he can't make any promises because of where he's at in life. he needs to go to band practice. john is only in town for a few days. he got too busy and regretably couldn't drop off the cd he made for me to express himself before he went to the bay area for 2 months straight leaving me wonder what the hell was on the cd. he can't mail me the cd because there are bills that he's neglected because he's been so busy. he's doing the best he can, why can't i just him a break. i've bought into it for going on 2 years now.
i have sacrificed my needs over and over again because i deceived myself into thinking that eventually, i would get my needs met. that he is busy and that once he's done with law school and the bar exam, that he will come back to town and commit to a relationship with me because we are meant to be together. because we get along so well when we're not talking about our relationship or lack there of. because i love him and when you love someone, if you only try hard enough, they will love you like you want to be loved back, they will be as excited about you as you are them and everything will work out. sure relationships are work but my relationship with brian is impossible. i have pizza dough that is frozen, i can't work with it in that state and who knows when it will thaw out. i have been waiting 2 years for it to thaw out and nothing. well, it's summer and there is no reason why that fucker should stay frozen, in fact, it defies the laws of science for it to stay frozen in this heat. so, i can't wait any longer. i can't. i'm dying of starvation here people! so, at lunch tomorrow, i will utter the 4 words all human beings shutter when they hear, "we need to talk." because i deserve more than this. i am ready for an adult relationship. if he's not, fuck him.
of course, this is easier said than done and i have been crying and depressed all day just even thinking about the prospect of not having brian in my life anymore. eventually, maybe we can be friends but there will be a huge amount of time needed away from him in order for me to get to that place and i may never get there. brian is someone i could see myself with forever. his one fatal flaw is that he can't commit. i don't know what his deal is. he admits that he has a good thing with me and even his friends give him shit for not being able to commit. i know i will be missed. i know i will miss him. this is like death. i feel the way i did when my grandpa died. they always tell you that it's for the better but it never feels like it.
|
![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041205213556im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
happy
annoyed