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Thursday, July 1st, 2004

Time: 4:27 pm. Mood: happy.

dreaming of the sea waves crashing against pliable sand and all the memories no longer fit in this place torn into new and glamorous and the sun was always this awkward shade of yellow as if the photographs never told a lie I'm going home. My flight, unless a few small arrangements change, leaves on the 21st of July, and returns me on the 30th of August. I asked to make it shorter, by a week or so, a few days. But now I wonder why I would possibly want to do that, as if Toronto holds any grand promises of happiness yet unfelt. I would arrive in Berlin with a stop over in England. And than drive to my grandmothers house In Poland about an hour and a half from Kolobrzeg, my birthplace and home. It's been 6 years. I am no longer a child.

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Subject: i will not be as brave to say, that god is dead. but he may have gone on vacation. Time: 9:40 pm. Mood: okay.

birds pick out the eyes of the dead man women sing and dance in the cold rain drip drip drip like the blood of the guilty we are free in a land where the sperm and blood will not mingle into the heart of our soul we are free in a place where death is the gateway to life i dance in the cold rain and it washes away all the stains.

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Time: 2:44 am. Mood: cranky.

insomnia isnt fun. i want pot.

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Subject: the beautiful logic of the underslept Time: 8:15 am. Mood: bitchy.

So I think I’ve officially become jaded, that whole, "I don’t like you, god damn you suck" thing is popping into my head every few seconds. And meh, maybe its just bitterness. This whole. "I know you fucking hate me so why are u pretending thing" i got a letter stating that i have forgotten about my friends and only concern myself with my boyfriend. I don’t know if it occurs to people who write shit like this that they (along with all my other friends) barely make any contact with me. And I have long stopped trying since no matter how many times I called or messaged I barely got anything back from it, I have no time to waste on people who don’t care. But this isn’t about that person, this is about everyone. At this moment, i feel like saying "fuck this" taking my fucking osap money and getting the fuck out of this country (kidnapping the boy along of course......he is after all my hubby/partner in crime, un-disappointing mate---I could go on.) I am not happy. Not by a long shot, i have things that make me feel blessed, but in most aspects of my life I’m far from being okay. Death seams almost welcome at the thought that it will always be like this, life will always be like this. And you know what? I hate the United States, i fucking hate it, it reminds me of all the fucking people that bullied me as a kid (hrmmmmmmm i wonder what the people who cause me grief now that I’m an adult would be called). I hate any country that thinks its okay to impose anything on anyone else, and as much as they feed a steady stream of propaganda to their gun toting' public, anybody with half a brain can see that democracy=money/capitalism,(ironically when i first wrote this in a hurried, angry, belligerent state, I spelled it "copitalism"--Freudian slip much?) and they want that at any cost (even if its something as cruel and disgusting as forcing dictators in the place of leftist democratic governments, who then lovingly slaughter most of their citizens...) but meh, I wont go on about that (watch "The myth of the liberal media" or read anything my Noam Chomsky (http://www.zmag.org/chomsky/index.cfm)i swear, along with all the other millions of reasons why i fucking hate the u s of a, that movie lists the prime ones. So anyways, in conclusion, you suck, I suck, everything mother fucking sucks. and grrr Cindy’s delicious tvp leftovers have been eaten, damn you, damn you all to hell.

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Subject: OMG Time: 3:30 pm. Mood: sad.

my favourite indi. comic book company is over:( http://www.riotink.com was really a shining star in the market of independent comics, seen at all the toronto/surrounding area conventions they were incredably talented, and incredably dedicated. It's so sad because they were on the brink of getting signed and in just a few months (if not sooner) we would have been seeing their talented work displayed in comic book shops all around the city and beyond. I got to know Quinn a bit (the head artist amongst other things) but since the internet world is wast and i found little time to converse when i got involved with Gavin, i ended contact with her, and everyone else pretty much. Now she is ill, and i'm quite worried. It is infact her illness that is causing the company to stop. I hope she gets better soon, whatever it is that might be causing her to be so sick, and that Riot Ink comes back.

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Subject: i cant stop smiling.....i need to get over these mood swings *s* Time: 5:22 am. Mood: loved.

i've been dowloading strange girl music from my childhood, i downloaded alanis' Head over feet. i wasnt sure why, until i listened to the lyrics. *s* i love relating to music. alanis morissette-head over feet I had no choice but to hear you You stated your case time and again I thought about it You treat me like I'm a princess I'm not used to liking that You ask how my day was Chorus You've already won me over in spite of me Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are I couldn't help it It's all your fault Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole You're so much braver than I gave you credit for That's not lip service You are the bearer of unconditional things You held your breath and the door for me Thanks for your patience You're the best listener that I've ever met You're my best friend Best friend with benefits What took me so long I've never felt this healthy before I've never wanted something rational I am aware now I am aware now

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Subject: UV E Time: 5:10 pm. Mood: impressed.

All right, let me explain something. I haven’t been to a party in a while where I was literally smiling the whole night thru. UV E rocked. Infrared Riding Hood was fantastic, it was truly unfortunate that he got the first set, but someone had to go first. Matt your damn talented, and by mid of ur set the dance floor actually filled up with quite a few people going crazy *i blame that damn no daddy no song....sooo good* The Kathedral got packed like I’ve never seen it packed before. Considering UV E was competing with a larger room, with a slightly better sound system and an established audience upstairs THEY DID DAMN GOOD. Everyone was having a fantastic time. Grimace had a tough set to fallow since Herald of Chaos played some awesome tunes, but he made the room go crazy. Belladonakillz kept the room packed with screaming dancing people for his entire set. Considering he was fallowing a very different set than his own, HardDrive filled the room with masses of dancing fools having an amazing time. Its *very* unfortunate that Ghettocyb.org couldn’t play because of his monitor (which was broken by someone being careless on stage) but Herald of Chaos saved the night by playing the most INCEDABLE set. (2 wicked sets in a night are quite impressive) It’s sad that one of my personal favourite sets (being Viruses set) wasn’t witnessed by enough people. But he did play some great happy hardcore and I had a wonderful time dancing to it. I have to say there was no better way to end the night than to hear Finex spin. I'm bias cause he just happens to be my partner in crime, but damn, where there was something like 5 people while virus played, as soon as Jay came on the room filled up again. EVERYONE seamed to be having an excellent time. You guys did an incredible job, the room looked beautiful, the diverse music hit the spot just right, and the night was positive and fun. Thank you!!!!!

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Subject: as many of you are aware, this weekend is UVE Time: 6:18 pm. Mood: excited.

Darkrave+UVE this weekend at the big bop 12$ this is going to be an amazing party, and you WILL be disapointed if you dont get ur ass in gear and show up:)

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Subject: how ironic. Time: 5:25 pm. Mood: disguisted.

You should be dating a Pisces. 19 February - 20 March Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the fishes are quite romantic in bed. What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To? brought to you by Quizilla

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Time: 2:20 pm. Mood: excited.

today i lost any respect i had for my father. upon waking up, i got an array of rude comments, and threats of not going grocary shopping with me. finally after some crying and feeling like shit, he took me, only to hurry me up and making it impossible to buy everythng i needed. but. other than that i'm packed (woo), have money (well most of it), found a tent (omg its still here?), and am looking forward to seeing my wonderful boy, and much partying and snuggling for what looks like a fantastic WEMF. there are things on my mind i want to say and do. but i figure its silly to think about it. Only happy thoughts for the next few days from this moment on. lotsa love Ilona

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Time: 11:03 pm. Mood: loved.

okay, cus i REALLY gotta go clean, one quick post. i know sometimes i dont think clearly and the only thing i see is how sad and miserable i am. and than i have my moments of clerity (mostly enduced by my fantastic friends' support) and i realise. I HAVE THE FUCKING LIFE. WONDERFUL boyfriend, incredable friends, parents who are willing to sponsor random out of town trips, a brother who gives me great advice, a cat (yah.....thats all i can say about olo, hes A CAT), a roof over my head. i'm happy. really wonderfuly happy. even if i have my moments of weakness you guys always make me feel a million times better. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!

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Time: 8:48 pm. Mood: optimistic.

Dancefloor Kylie Minogue Good times bad times baby you're in trouble You stole my heart and you're given me up And we're not even friends so how can we be lovers I wanna know the truth 'cause I've had enough I'm sick and tired of pleasing you Have I had your love Is that the best you can do You can dream of changing my mind But your wasting your time 'cause if you think you've got me right just watch me On the dancefloor Gonne lose it in the music On the dancefloor Got my body gonna use it On the dancefloor The best that you never had but now you've lost me So come on watch me getting over you Had your chance but baby you blew it You never loved me and baby you knew it And every time that you messed with my mind I still believed in you 'cause I've had enough I'm sick and tired of pleasing you Have I had your love Is that the best you can do You can dream of changing my mind But you're way out of line 'cause if you think you've got me Boy just watch me On the dancefloor Gonne lose it in the music On the dancefloor Got my body gonna use it On the dancefloor The best that you never had but now you've lost me So come on watch me getting over you

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LiveJournal for eeek the funky town soldier. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Website (secrets for strangers). View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.