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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
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12:34 am - Not this again...
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"Stop it, Pamela. Don't fall for him, or else you're going to get hurt again."
I think it may be a little too late for that.
"Good going. Now watch me have to pick up the pieces for you yet again like I always have."
You won't have to. I'm perfectly capable of picking them up by myself.
"Sure you are."
Just watch me.
Hah. You are just a glutton for punishment, aren't you?"
Yeah. The ultimate masochist.
"You already know it will never work out between you two."
It doesn't change how I feel about him.
"Give it up, Pamela. You're going to be alone forever. You'll have someone new come into your life, then they'll leave you like everyone else has. This is no different. It never will be different. Accept it and move on."
You know, even as dead as I feel right now and as dead as I've felt for the past few months, it's still there... that one miniscule spark that just won't take no for an answer. It's still there, waiting for its day to shine.
"Dream on."
*sighs*
...Et quand je rêve, je rêve de toi...
current mood:  pensive
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(Shoot me)
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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11:45 pm - Now that that's over with...
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I guess I should make an update, so here it is.
I put in my 30-day move-out notice a couple of days ago after a few complications with management. Thank gods that's over with, even though I'll be leaving a day after my lease expires. That pisses me off. All it says in the lease is that they needed 30 days written notice, so I wrote a 30-day notice to them, but they said that wasn't good enough and gave me a form to fill out, which I couldn't do that very moment because I was on lunch break and had to get back to work. They asked me why I was leaving, and I told them that the rent was going to skyrocket back up to $525/month (I originally thought the normal price was $550/month, but I was wrong), but then they told me that they are raising the rent in increments over a period of three years. That means that if I stayed here past my lease, rent would go up from $440/month to $465/month for a year, then more the next, etc. Why the hell wasn't that explained to me in the first place? You'd think that someone there would want to clarify that in an attempt to keep a person from wanting to move out. It didn't make me change my mind, though. I don't like it here very much. I share a patio with my next-door-neighbors, and all the kids congregate in front of MY apartment on the stairs and make noise when the weather is nice. Then they get all pissy if they have to move because I'm either leaving or going to my apartment. Fucking lame. I'm sick of dealing with that shit, among a bunch of other things that I'll explain some other time. I'm set to move into my new apartment on Friday, March 4th. That weekend is going to be brutal. I have to work eight hours, then Pat and Jacob are going to help me move, then on Saturday I have to drive six and a half hours up to my parents' place in Iowa, then we're going down to my grandparents' place for my grandmother's 80th birthday gathering on Sunday, then I drive home that evening, then I go to work the next day. I'm not going to have much time to recover at all. I may just take the 4th off; I haven't decided yet.
Work has been very bad for the past couple of weeks. I should have known that after doing so insanely well for those few weeks prior that I'd plummet and crash. And plummet and crash I did. I'm sure not going to the gym has contributed to that. I'm burned-out and have been going only once a week the past few weeks. I know, that's very bad of me. I'm about to get my ass kicked into gear, though. After months of wishing I could get this, I took the plunge and spent $200 for personal training since my gym was having a special for it. I need this. I don't have the concentration necessary to be able to learn all this on my own, plus I have always learned better visually and through experience. My first session is going to be on Wednesday, which is the night of the Suffocation/Behemoth/Cattle Decapitation show in Omaha, Nebraska, that I was dead set on going to, but I felt it was best to not spend the extra money for that since I spent all that money on personal training and also $100 for a DVD/CD burner, more RAM, and a cooling fan that I desperately needed.
I did my taxes online last week, thanks to the wonderful ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20050210094217im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) wolfshado. I'm going to be getting $549 back, and that coupled with my $500 yearly bonus from work will more than pay for the deposit and first month's rent for my new apartment. I want to pay off one of my credit cards with whatever I have left. It's the card with the least amount on it in the amount of $500. Considering I maxed it out all the way back in late 2002 along with my other credit cards, I'd say it's time to start paying that back now that I finally have the means to.
Hmm, what else...
I was debating on putting "joining/forming a metal band" down as a resolution back in January, but I never did because I really wasn't all that concerned with it anymore. Imagine my surprise when I was asked by Pat to be the vocalist of his new grindcore/death metal band. Now we just need a drummer, some equipment, and some songs, and we'll be playing live shows. I wonder if that means that I'll find "love" since I never put that down as a resolution, either? HAHAHA. Whatever.
I can't think of anything else to put in here right now. My brain is completely fried, and I'm amazed I had it in me to shit this entry out.
Until next time.
current mood:  drained
current music: A Dream of Sleeping Warriors by Abused Majesty
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(Shoot me)
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6:33 pm - And another thing...
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It's fucked-up that almost every single time I get really upset about something, something electrical shorts out. In this case, my internet connection died on me, and I had to reboot.
I think I'll go to the corner and start rocking like a good little retard.
current mood: Extremely overloaded...
current music: Silence...
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(3 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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6:19 pm - THIS FUCKING BLOWS.
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I'm teetering on the edge of complete and total shutdown.
I can barely think; I've been so drained for the past two weeks, my job is killing me mentally, I am terribly stressed-out, and I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE ALL OF THIS. I've had headaches for the past three days straight, I don't have the energy to go to the gym, and I feel like I'm falling apart again.
DAMNIT.
current mood: .......
current music: Dark Descent of Fallen Souls by Summon
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(4 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Saturday, January 29th, 2005
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2:50 pm - Oooh.
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From the KC Goth-Industrial Yahoo group:
"OK, all you metalheadbangers, here is a night just for you:
This Tuesday, Feb. 1
@ the Empire Room
(under the KCPT tower on 39th)
21+
Stuff your car full of foamy swords and shields, put on your chainmail
and big boots b/c there is going to be a barbarian fight!!! Come and
beat up all your friends. It's good therapy, it is."
It would have been nice to know what time this is starting at and exactly where the KCPT tower on 39th is, but I'm sure I'll manage to find it.
current mood:  blah
current music: Over the Hills and Far Away by Nightwish
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(2 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Thursday, January 27th, 2005
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1:05 am - Hell is already experiencing some global warming...
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I'm lonely. It just struck me while I was looking through profiles on MySpace.com. I see so many people in relationships. I read their sickening exchange of sugar-coated words, and it makes me want to punch something.
Part of me doesn't feel anything anymore. I'm so much better off that way.
But, at the same time, part of me wishes that someone was here with me right now. Someone I can allow myself to feel close to who will just hold me through the night.
Like that's ever going to happen anytime soon.
Why am I even thinking about this shit? It's pointless. It's just a mood swing. It will go away soon.
I'm going to go sleep in my big, empty bed now.
Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness
Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone
Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone
No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours...
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Forever Yours by Nightwish
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(10 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
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9:32 pm - Evolution...
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I look back on the past year... hell, even the past few months... and it amazes me how far I've come. I've got a decent job, I've got my own place, I've pulled myself out of depression, I'm getting in shape, and I'm no longer co-dependent on anyone or anything.
I felt it was time to finally cut the damaged past out of my life once and for all, both figuratively and literally.
Yes, I know, the proverbial Hell has frozen over. Put on your ice skates and enjoy it. ;)
current mood:  satisfied
current music: Eraser by Hypocrisy
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(18 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
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10:44 am - One of T-Shirt Hell's latest creations...
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I don't know why I find this amusing. I probably shouldn't, considering I AM autistic, but I can't help myself.
current mood: amused
current music: Where the Raven Flies by Mysticum
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(9 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005
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9:38 pm - This is fucked-up.
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From Yahoo News:
Norwegians Confused by Bush Salute
OSLO, Norway - Many Norwegian television viewers were shocked to see U.S. President George W. Bush and family apparently saluting Satan during the U.S. inauguration.
But in reality, it was just a sign of respect for the University of Texas Longhorns, whose fans are known to shout out "Hook 'em, horns!" at athletic events.
The president and family were photographed lifting their right hands with their index and pinky fingers raised up, much like a horn.
But in much of the world those "horns" are a sign of the devil. In the Nordics, the hand gesture is popular among death metal and black metal groups and fans.
"Shock greeting from Bush daughter," a headline in the Norwegian Internet newspaper Nettavisen said late Wednesday above a photograph of Bush's daughter, Jenna, smiling and showing the sign.
Bush, a former Texas governor, was simply greeting the Texas Longhorn marching band as it passed during a Washington D.C. parade in the president's honor, explained Verdens Gang, Norway's largest newspaper.
Just the same, the Internet was abuzz Thursday with speculation about what the Bushes really mean by the sign.
current mood: amused
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(Shoot me)
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| Monday, January 17th, 2005
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9:08 pm - "Submission is for the weak."
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6:46 pm - This can't be happening to me again...
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Everything from my past is returning... the pain, the loneliness, the hopelessness... everything I used to feel. I'm trying so hard to fight it off; trying to listen to logic; trying to talk myself out of feeling the way I do, but it's not helping.
Normally when I felt a little melancholy, I'd go to the gym, and that would kill those feelings. Last night, my workout didn't even put a dent in them.
I CANNOT go back to the way I used to be... not after how great things have been for the past few months. I was strong, I was cold, I didn't care about much of anything. I can't go back to being this whiny little bitch who hurt all the time, craving something she couldn't ever have and keep.
"This is FUCKING WEAK, Pamela!!! Snap the fuck out of it! You are NOT going to tear yourself up over this! You are going to get your fat ass to the gym RIGHT NOW, and you are going to work your ass off until you burn that weakness out of yourself!"
current mood: crushed
current music: The Awakening to the Unknown Perception of Evil by Xasthur
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(1 wound inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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11:57 pm - No...
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The gates are opening... it's all coming back...
Please, gods, make it stop...
current mood: lonely
current music: And Winter Was by Stormlord
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(6 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Saturday, January 15th, 2005
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10:09 pm - First post of the year... a bit late, but oh well...
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Originally typed around 8:00 pm earlier tonight:
As much as I hate to start my first post of the year out on a negative note, I have a message for myself:
STOP IT, Pamela. If you don't, you're going to completely relapse back into the mindset that you used to have before you met George. DON'T UNDO ALL YOUR HARD WORK BECAUSE IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
Ok, now that that's over with... Happy belated New Year, everyone. This has been the longest I have gone without updating ever since I started my journal in May of 2001. I just haven't felt like typing in here at all. I still don't feel like it, but I'm doing it anyway just so I can get this over with.
2005 Resolutions:
- Get fit.
- Go to the gym more often and work out harder.
- Do a better job at work.
- Become more spiritually active.*
- Pay off at least some of my debt.
- Improve the health/appearance of my teeth/gums.
- Improve the health/appearance of my skin.
- Improve the health/appearance of my hair.
- Get my back fixed.
- Keep myself from having a total mental/emotional relapse.
Those are all I can think of for now. I thought I had more, but I'll have to add them later if I remember them.
So, what's been happening in my little world, you ask? Well, when we left off, I was on my way to Salina for Xmas and for my aunt's wedding. I have to say, this was by far the best Xmas I've had with my family in my adult life. I was so happy being able to be around them and talking with them again. When I first got there, the first person I saw was my grandfather. My grandfather and I don't get along all that well, at least, in my mind. We tend to have some personality clashes, heh. That night, though, he gave me a big hug, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Wow, you've lost weight! You look great!" I was floored, hahaha. All my other relatives commented on my weight loss, as well. I can't even begin to explain how great that made me feel, but now I have to work my ass off to get back down at least to where I was before I left for Salina. I had gotten myself down to 213 pounds, then I found out that I had gone up to 218 pounds after I got back to town. Now I'm down to 216. I am still VERY aggravated by that. Hopefully by the end of the month I can get back down to what I was before, but that's not going to happen if I keep slacking like I have been. Bad Pamela.
I got my food dehydrator, which I have yet to use, along with $70 total from my grandparents, some cookbooks, a photo of my grandmother and grandfather on my father's side, and some other things. It was cool, but the best present by far was when I went out to a buffet with one of my aunts, my brother, my father, and my grandfather. My mother has been nagging at me for years to eat salad, but I never liked it. I told her that the next time I was at a buffet, I'd try it again. The last time I tried salad was about 10 years ago, and I hated it. Imagine my surprise when I tried it and absolutely loved it! I've been eating so much salad lately. I eat a bag a day, and it's by far the most of one food I eat during the day now. Who would have thought this would happen? Hopefully this helps with my weight loss.
The wedding was great. I met my new Uncle Tom, and he and I got along VERY well. I am so happy for my aunt. She gives me hope. She had been through hell when it came to relationships, then was single for 17 years (I think) until she met Tom. He is such a great guy. I'll need to post some photos of the wedding sometime.
As for work, well, I think I may have already accomplished that resolution. For some crazy reason, I have taken over our quota of 70 calls per day consistently for the past week. I don't know what happened. I'm beginning to wonder if it's due to all the salad I've been eating lately... going from next-to-no vegetable intake to that being the majority of the food I eat per day. It's like the correct processes just "clicked" inside my head. I can now manage my time better on calls to where I can get the documentation taken care of while the customer is still on the line, it's a lot easier to say "no" to customers when there's something that they want that I can't do for them, and my supervisor is beyond happy with my performance. Things are going very well there, which takes a big chunk of stress out of my life.
I guess that's all for now. LiveJournal is STILL down (I'm on one of the clusters they're having particular trouble with), so maybe I'll add onto this later.
* NOT Christianity, so don't freak out (or jump for joy, depending on who's reading this).
current mood: blah
current music: The Magic of the Wizards Dreams by Rhapsody
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(5 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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| Friday, December 31st, 2004
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11:54 pm - So much for partying at Drew's...
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I called Drew earlier as I was heading over there, and his roommate told me that they all went over to another New Years Eve party.....
*sighs*
So now I'm sitting on cam getting drunk... Happy New Year, everyone...
current mood: lonely
current music: Battles in the North by Immortal
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(Shoot me)
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7:30 pm - Wrapping it all up...
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2004 New Years Resolutions:
- Find true love.
- Be successful at a job that I enjoy.
- Move out on my own/live with roommate.
- Get at least partially out of debt.
I don't know what to think about the "Find true love" resolution. I thought I had found it in George, but I was obviously wrong there. That teaches me to not open my heart to anyone again no matter how much they fucking beg me to because they'll only rip it out just like the rest of the people I let into my heart have. Déjà vu. It's not worth it.
<sarcasm> No, I'm not bitter... not one bit.</sarcasm>
( The 2004 timeline of events... )
current mood:  hungry
current music: Unhallowed by the Infernal One by Graveworm
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(5 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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7:07 pm - They were right...
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Excerpt taken from this entry, typed on Wednesday, December 31st, 2003:
"After I talked to Pete, I felt surprisingly better... like everything's going to be alright after all. My mother said the same thing when I called her. She said that she had a good feeling about this upcoming year for me. I hope her intuition is good. "Getting more in 2004" is how she put it. Feels more like "Back for more in 2004" on this end. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
"You know you feel the same way, Pamela... stop trying to fool yourself and be optimistic about this."
I know.
This is the year that everything will finally come together for you. Have faith.
Alright."
Excerpt taken from this entry, typed on Saturday, January 3rd, 2004:
"2002 and 2003 were fucking horrible years, and I'm not letting that shit happen again this year.
I WILL get a permanent job in Kansas City, and I WILL find my own place. I'm NOT going to sit and stew in my emotional shit and let myself get worse any longer."
current mood:  accomplished
current music: A Dreaming Beauty by Graveworm
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(Shoot me)
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| Friday, December 24th, 2004
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6:11 pm - Off I go.
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I'm leaving now to go to Salina. I'll be seeing the entire side of my mother's family. Considering some of them are coming from the east coast, and my aunt is getting married the night after Christmas... I'd say this is one big occasion.
I'm excited, but I'm worried. I have this nagging feeling that something is going to happen to either me or someone I know, and it's not a good feeling. Most of the time when I feel this way, whatever I was feeling or thinking at the time happens, and I always doubted what I was feeling so I therefore never said anything about it until after the fact. I didn't say anything because I didn't want people to think I was an idiot for feeling like something would happen if it didn't. Other times I wouldn't say anything because I didn't want to jinx myself.
This time, I hope I do.
current mood: uncomfortable
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(Shoot me)
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5:11 pm - Happy holidays, everyone.
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| Sunday, December 19th, 2004
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5:08 pm - A couple of photos from two days ago...
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11:48 am - Last night...
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Last night was alright. I brought over a 200 mL bottle of 100-proof vodka and some diet 7-Up and a 22-ounce bottle of Coors Light, drank the beer, and only drank half the bottle of vodka. I'm beginning to wonder if I've started to get a little burned-out on getting drunk.
I was actually sober by the time I left Drew's place, and Patrick went home with me. I'm not going into any further details. ;)
It's not even noon here, and I still have the entire day free to do shit before I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm thinking about cleaning my apartment some more. The kitchen is completely clean now, and my bathroom is about one-fourth of the way clean. I just need to scrub out my sink, clean my counter, clean the toilet (yay), and scrub the hell out of my shower. Now that's going to take some work, considering I haven't cleaned it ever since I've lived here. I know, I know, bad Pamela. I'm such a slob.
Speaking of work, I really need to make a big update about the whole work situation sometime tonight.
Hmm, what else...
There isn't much that I want for Xmas this year. There's a food dehydrator that I would really like, and I think my parents are going to get me that. I also want a personal training package from my gym, but that costs $300, so I'm not counting on that at all, heh. The other thing that I can think of that I would like is this. I've been wanting this deck for about a year now, and I have been told before that fortune/tarot cards need to be received as a gift for them to work correctly. Otherwise I'd just buy it myself. Maybe if I get some money from relatives this year, I'll finally be able to get it.
I guess that's all for now.
current mood: okay
current music: Where Hope and Daylight Die by Summoning
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(18 wounds inflicted | Shoot me)
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