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Well my sister has popped up in Japan! Completely unexpected! Well, not completely, but fairly unexpected. Adn So I took off on the weekend with her, to check out Kyoto and everything..That turned out to be absolutely a stack of fun. We walked around all these temples and shrines and everything, andI took her out to Karaoke and to an onsen... andeverything else uniquely Japanese that I could think of. She tried soba and udon and ramen. And she decided in the end that Rame was her favourite one....
Anyways, so I had to come back to Mizunami for work obviously.. but she is still in Kyoto, trekking around by herself. She reckoned that sh'd probablycome back and see me around about thursday or something... but I don't know when she7ll rock up... she's a bit of a free spirit like that... Plus she7s having agonies at the moment about what to do with Dan and eveything.. They've been together for about a year now (!) and it seems like Bonnie is really starting to get very serious about it. She mentioned it a lot of times when we were in Kyoto and everything. So I hope that it all turns out well... the problem is whether Dan will be able to cope with her moving to Canada for the next four months. She said that he isn't really very good with letting her off overseas on her own. Which is a big mistake with bonnie (denying her freedom or even appearing to be jealous or anything), so ... but anyways, if he's fine with it then after she comes back from Canada she'll move down to Adelaide and live with him (shock horrr!) I can't believe it. I thought she would never ever ever ever return to Adelaide,... I thought that she would rather die. But anyways, she seems quite happy to go back there if he'll have her. and then it's her plan to study for two years \and then head off to the UK and work there for a while. She seems really keen on that idea.
But anyways... Back to me...
I had an experience in Kyoto which was a little teasing, depressing, and absolutely wonderful at the time. It's aterrible story and although it's not at the flinch aor recoilin horror sort of stage I don't think. Certainly I7ve done worse things. Besides if you've read my livejournal then you pretty much should expect stupid crap like this from me.Anyways, I'm not sure how to put an ljcut up on this page, so I'll just type it out... if you don't feel like reading ( then just don't...
Anyways, so I was staying in a youth hostel with my sister right. And it was dromitory style, so I was sayina room with these other guys and bonnie was staying upstairs with the girls. Anyways, we all got into our little futons and things (cause it was all japanese style). and I'm not kidding but this Japanese guy put on the biggest one man show you've ever seen in your life. Well... perhaps not the biggest. but certainly the most obvious. And he knew that I was awake and everything, which made it seem very very pointed (i thought)... Because he saw and heard that I was awake, and kept going, and then he'd stop when someone else came into the room, and then keep going after they left. But anyways, this stretched out for quite some period of time. And of course eventually he looked like he was settling down into a kind of frustrated and comehither kind of sleep. But anyways, I made a little move. Not a big move, so that if he turned around and was all shocked then I could deny it. but anyways, he didn't (obviously), and so I kept going, and kept going. I didn't want to race it and scare him or anything... but at the same time I was just a little bit impatient. But anyways, I went on for a while until I thought it was tactful. I thought, right I've now explored every reachable inch of your torso and slightly below your torso, so it's time for you to be a bit more of an active participator.
So I left a little lingering impression and then returned back to my futon. At this time he di a bit of vigorous eyerubbing... which seemed to mean something. Because he'd been doing it earlier before. But then he finished that and gave a little sighy sort of thing.At which point he rolled over (as i expected), but he rolled over in the opposite direction! Further away from me!
And I immediately thought,,, shit! what went wrong there!
I've replayed it a million times in my head, and in half of them I was wrong from the start, in qa quarter or so of them I'm wrong near the end, and then in most of the others it's all his fault..
But regardless! I had to sleep there again the next night, which was absolute TORTURE... but anyways
now all I have are the slight memories that I managed to garner from his pliable body that night (isn't that terible to say thtat liek that!), but anyways, he didn't stop me, and didn't say anything or even roll away unitl I gave him an obvious choice,,, so I couldn't have been reading him completely wrong could i??
Anyways, but now my desperateness knows absolutely no bounds. i mean NO BOUNDS! It's quite terrible. I haven't been kissed, held, cuddled, or anything for an entire year...An entire fucking year! ThThere's no wonder that I'm starting to go nuts. It was a little level of desperation until last weekend. But now it's running at peak desperateness level. I just am finding it very hard to think of anything else. As soon as I'm by myself I either become insanely depressed, or I lapse into crapass memoies and invented fragments until that then just turns into depressiveness. I can't see any relief coming soon, and it's absolutely driving me up the wall!
I) feel terrible for saying it, but I am just SO desperate it7s not even funny.
I'm trying to be as clinical and without fancy description here as I can be. But arg, it really is about ten times asthis journal entry makes it sound.
Anyways, so I'm alone in Japan, without friends, without even a decent talking companion, without any romantic prospects, and certainly with NO chance of finding any relief anywhere in sight. Can you blame me for being depressed. I've never felt so alone before. As soon as I finish talking to someone, leave the room, become alone, I just fall into such an amazing depression. Ugh, I hate it.
Japan shouldn't be like this. People should at least like me a little bit! I should at least be able to do something right sometimes! I should be banished and excluded and ignored.... it's not my fault... I didn't even get a chance to piss anyone off or anything,,, I was just precluded right from the start.
Living by myself, cooking, eating, reading, watching tv... that's basically all there is to my life at the moment. And as much as that was fun andd engaging for a while. It really does start to pale after a while..
I haven't had a friend (apart from family and people in other countries obviously) for about 8 months. It's really starting to get to me, and I don't know what to do...
But anyways, I think I'll just continue on looking merry and everything until this torture finishes... I just don't think that it should be such a torture to live here in Japan. I thought it would all be great fun and a great time, I woulod a t least meet a few people and make a few friends..
but so far it's all fucked. I have some great moments, and do some fun things. but nothing lasts beyond a few hours, let alone a day. I'm just so fucking lonely.
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thirsty
creative
cold (& unloved)
groggy
nostalgic
curious
relaxed
bleh