Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in moonruby's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
1:45 pm	thomas jefferson wasn't born in your back yard i'm sorry k.....i don't know what's going on with our net today. doesn't look like a is online anymore either. maybe it doesn't look like i'm online to either of you atm. who knows. anyway, i've got to run and get to the s(helter....yeah i know i know) and target and do laundry. we may need to resort to a phone call sometime this week.....i'd like to continue our conversation. stay warm. Current Mood: as the bells toll Current Music: hereinmyhead (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
10:21 am	olympia You are STRANGE! What Tori Amos Song Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: awake Current Music: random stuff (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2003
6:16 pm	i don't know how to feel about anything......i hate who i am. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 17th, 2003
2:08 am	sorry, yes it's another of those stupid entries....... school, laundry, dishes, call people, work, babysit, sleep lots. clean this pit, write poetry, pack, homework. i'm having some people over on friday and then j and i are going up to duluth for the weekend to chill with artists and poets and to drink beer and talk like we know something. this week i'm working three days, and next week i'm working two days. i know i won't be able to pay any of my bills. i fucking hate my boss. i need to call ups about a job. apparently they help with school costs, and give benefits and decent hours. i'm such a ball of stress right now. i hate my life. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: you can barely breathe (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
1:15 am	stolen from amber who stole it from someone else which sanrio character are you? (quiz created by shelle) Current Mood: think i did this already Current Music: coming off of the shore (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 13th, 2003
6:28 pm	had a dream that mom left me a comment on this journal. something to the extent of "i didn't know you had a journal, i'm so proud of you." which my mother would never say if she actually read this journal. she'd be happy i'm writing, but she'd be concerned about what was written in here. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
6:12 pm	this some kind of holy test fuck you, this hurts. i'm trying not to think of why and how it keeps happening. and i play the victim's music. Current Mood: angeltread Current Music: get up walk outside my head (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 12th, 2003
2:08 pm	just a thought inside my head..... got a call from j telling me that she adopted a kitten from tchs this week and that i should come to see it. it's a little orange tabby so she knew i'd like that. apparently, the kitten is "fuckin psycho" (haha.....typical 7 week old) so she named it ray liotta. my first thought when she told me was, "i wonder who she adopted," like i should still know or something. and if i talk about tchs i still say "we".....i miss it so much. i'm going to need to get another job in the cities so maybe i'll find a vet clinic or humane society or something. who knows. went to dinner with marit, kari, both lisas, and tia this week. and we were talking about animals, of course. i knew most of the ones they were talking about, but i felt so lonely not knowing about the others. i hate this. i will never go back......only to volunteer if anything. but i still miss it. on another note, i woke from strange dreams. dreamed that carol & karl and the kids came with mom, grandma, and charlie to visit me here. i was worried cause they wanted to stay here, and of course, i only have one room. but when they showed up, i had a second floor and additional bedrooms and a garage. it was very strange. so there were obviously enough rooms for everyone. the children ended up being younger than they really are and someone took them away. i went out in my car and had to get them back. why do i always have these dreams about kidnapping and murder and i'm the one who needs to do the rescue? Current Mood: gettin ready for work Current Music: these little voices (Comment on this)
1:39 pm	now i know now i know what it means to be broken my apartment is clean.......yay me. tomorrow is laundry and homework day. and i need to talk to em about shutting the phone off. if you need my new phone number, send me an email and i'll think about giving it to you. ha. anyway, i'm going to have to look into buying some phone cards, cause this phone doesn't have long distance. or an answering machine. anyway, it's my nekked time. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: cowboy junkies day (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:44 am	ok, do i have to disable comments, you scary scary people? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 11th, 2003
3:32 pm	take a swim in my apartment there are: very high ceilings, lights i cannot reach (and as a result, two burned-up bulbs), clothes everywhere, cat hair covering those clothes (they used to be clean), open rain-stained windows, juice and warmth and baby friends, only rosemary on my lips. i leave the apartment to get access to more bc, even though there will be no children, not here. roll my sleeve up so she can see my scars and in that instant, remember she said she'd still take me, even after all i've done. come home to see the places that are white instead of grey, scars on lips and noses, anxiety attacks, and watery ends. these days come to me, alone, i can only take what i'm given, alone. Current Mood: hey jupiter Current Music: boots can leave a mess (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 10th, 2003
10:42 pm	i'm scared i do these things.....i pretend i'm not unhappy and tired and lonely all the time. i pretend i'm fine with my weight and how i look. i pretend i'm ok with him going thousands of miles away, never to be seen or heard from again, when it's one of the worst possible things he could do. i pretend i'm ok with how my life is at this point and that i'm not screaming inside of myself everytime i can't stop thinking of it. i pretend i don't have these headaches from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. i pretend i'm ok. and i'm not. i'm so sick of myself. Current Mood: do you like bread? Current Music: stolen and gone (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
2:38 pm	wouldn't have worked out anyway Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge of the Dreaming, all imagination and creativity, everyone knows your beautiful realm, but none truly understand it. You are dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a distance, even when you shouldn't. Which Endless are you? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: drag me on down Current Music: walk alone (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:02 am	don't make me come to vegas 2nd day of class, here i come. right now i'm frustrated by all things internet......so who knows when i'll come back on here cause it sucks atm. k, bye......need to drive. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: wednesday (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
11:46 am	to fly k, i just put some coffee on and i have to clean the litterbox and cart ella down to gretchen. let's hope this isn't the weekend from hell. i'm not looking forward to being around so many people all at once. pray for me.....i have enough anxiety as it is. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: wish you were here (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
11:52 pm	and it stoned me i will be old in two days. i have to do some stuff before waking up early tomorrow to go (again) to wi. i'm taking ella with me this time. it just feels unnatural to leave her behind. the wind has come in, so i think the rain should be here soon also. i'm hoping it won't be too dreadfully hot this weekend. and i guess i'm going to my reunion on the 5th.....that's going to be very strange. k, time to do stuff so i can go to bed. Current Mood: determined Current Music: mp3s (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 29th, 2003
10:55 am	know his lips are warm i'm always so fucking late. i should have left about a half hour ago. i have to throw some laundry in a bag, bring stuff downstairs, clean the litterbox and leave. i can't even leave town yet......i need to stop for toothpaste, film, and to fill gretchen up. fuck, i'm late. ok, time to hit the road. i'll be back in mn tomorrow evening (i hope). talk later. Current Mood: can't see Current Music: can't seem to find my way out (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 26th, 2003
11:31 pm	stolen from t0yb0x...... Book Worm Meter Shut In 93% . . 7% Out Of The House Intellectual 95% . . 5% Moron High Attention Span 95% . . 5% Low Attention Span Bookitude 96% . . 4% Book Burner Book Worm 94.75% . . 5.25% Bug Stomper Take your bookworm readings. Current Mood: lose affection Current Music: memories lose their meaning (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
12:53 pm	headaches and humidity somedays i can't sleep because of all the nightmares. last nite i dreamt i was driving down a street at nite and i saw a man who was torturing two husky puppies. i attacked the man and hurt him and he ran away and i took the puppies into my care. i went to the shelter to report what had been happening and to find out exactly what to do to press charges. k was there and she was completely unwilling to do anything (which is no fucking surprise). i talked to l and she couldn't do anything because they had knocked her down even further and she was afraid she'd lose her job. k told me the puppies would need to be returned to the owner. the last thing i remember is being with the puppies and preparing myself to fight this thing out, to not let them go back to him, no matter what the cost. Current Mood: worn out Current Music: dreams they (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
10:05 pm	i think it's more like a ghost that's been following us both i wrote this after he came to see me. he's married now (how is that even fucking possible?) and i miss him being my best friend........ "To the ghost next door" When he asks you what's in your notebook-- with a hungry look on his face When you go to bed bleeding, with a pen between your fingers, only a notebook beside you and he's not here After all the lites are cracked open, and the silver dust poured out-- After you drive the 800 miles to your museum creature And find yourself in the doorway of heartache And no one pulls you out of the lake by your feet You're sinking a bit further down You have no clothes of your own You loaned your eyes to the ghost next door Bruises are pressed into your muscles--phantom hands put them there Your arms break off at the hinges again--What is your worth, you handless poet? Cut out your bitten tongue and mail it to a lover What is your worth? You are soaked through with death and cannot slip into safety Don't go out alone Current Mood: headache-y Current Music: bright eyes (Comment on this)