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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2004.12.08  19.50 Weeeeee. My life has gone from 0-60 in just no time at all. I'm just sitting and blinking and helplessly grinning away at it. A week ago I never, never would have been able to guess at where I'd be today. Went out for Jamie's birthday last night. Had a wonderful time. Was a smaller, more intimate gathering than her party Saturday, with some of the same and some different folks. Though I think I got drunker last night than at the party. Whoops! And talked even more, as I was quite hyper from the start of the evening. Our set bar meetup time was rather loose. I showed up precisely at the front end of the allotted segment, was the first one there, sat myself at the bar to drink a beer and wait. Within a handful of minutes Oona came along and sat herself next to me so I now had someone to drink and chat with until the rest of the crowd showed up. We'd killed our first pints before anyone else arrived, stepped outside for a smoke and greeted Lou on her bicycle. Oona and I went back in and ordered another round of beers and some shots. So, *S*, I did a shot for you, as you requested. Oona offered a classic toast "To New Beginnings." I hope that is as appropriate for you as it was for the both of us. I mused once again upon how I've always disliked black licorice and anything that tastes like it, but love Jager like nothing else. Shortly thereafter the birthday girl arrived and from that point the arrivals seemed to pick up steadily until we had a dozen or so folks gathered and full on celebration commenced. That or I was already drunk and way too happy for my own good and time and events had already begun to just flow along in a gleaming sheen as they would for the rest of the night. We stayed at the bar until around midnight, then reconvened at a private residence to chill for a few hours. I eventually departed a bit before 2am and came home still grinning madly, and probably passed out grinning madly to catch a bit more than 3 hours of sleep before work. I woke feeling rested, though not quite sober. Somewhere in all the conversation at the bar, plans were made, schemes were hatched to have a "Tequila Night" this coming Sunday. So, Oona and I will be going over to Kelsey and Adam's residence that night and well, drinking tequila I imagine. Maybe others will join us, we shall see. All I know is I haven't drunk tequila in some four years, though I have no memory of avoiding in with intent or because of any particular reason. I may just have, at 21 gotten curious as to wide variety of other liquids now quite available for my imbibing. Over the next couple evenings I must decide whether or not to attend the Fuck show tomorrow night, and/or the Iron & Wine show Friday night. And of course whether or not to drink if I do so. I would probably be wise to check on the state of my banking account, as well as my liver, before making these choices. I have tech work to do tomorrow, so that will help my finances. I have to start budgeting for gifting, and am also aware that my outing with Oona next Thursday night will be one on which I go "all out" and most likely spend a sizable chunk to fuel our enjoyment. But, depending on how I feel tomorrow eve, I think I'll try to attend the Fuck show, and just keep the drinks to a couple pints, just enough to lubricate me for some dancin' about. Iron & Wine is guaranteed to be quite sedate, and I may pass on it. I enjoy the music, and play it at work a lot, but seem to prefer shows that make me move these days. Then perhaps I can dry out for Friday and Saturday in prep for tequila night. Of course, as the last week has shown me, and the extremely random occurrences that took place seemingly by the slightest of chancing, but have so totally altered my days since and relationships with various people... anything can happen. I was intending to get some serious cleaning done on my house. I believe I stated that after Dec. 1 or 2 I would go about getting my day to day life back together. Mostly I just seem to have developed a social life unlike anything I've had in the last few years. Good enough. However I am now going to go climb into my bathtub and scrub it, and shortly thereafter, myself. Tokyo Ghost Stories :: Arovane :: Lilies

	2004.12.06  01.46 Had a wonderful time at Jamie's birthday party last night. I survived the long day of sleep dep, came home and crashed for few hours then got to the party around 9. Didn't drink a lot, nursed a beer or so for a few hours and just enjoyed seeing people I hadn't hung out with in months. Oona was going to take off early, so i was going to give her a ride home as I was still sober, but she decided to stay so we danced and drank and had a good time. Was a great party overall, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. There were a lot of people who were quite happy to see me out and about and told me I need to come out and be around more often. Which was nice to hear, to know that these people are my friends as well as Bel's friends, and want to hang out with me and get to know me better on my own. To realize that I have more friends here than I've realized. Good deal. Oona let me crash at her place, which was nice of her. It's good to have places in town I can crash after parties instead of driving my happy ass back to Coburg all the time. And I got to spend the morning playing with a happy Xander. I haven't seen her in ages, and am always happy to have little ones in my life. I guess I just get along with 2-3 year olds incredibly well. They just know so much we've forgotten, and see all the things we've grown to overlook. That and the constant wonderment, imagination, and straightforward reactions. Good stuff. I seem to be collecting other people's children. It's nice, as I can't even seem to get the girl thing figured out, kids are a long way off. But with constant visits from Will at work, and hopefully seeing more of Oona and Xander, I should stay pretty content. Gotta clean house tomorrow. Don't want to. Actually I pretty much want to pack up and get out of this house. But, that'll happen soon enough. Guess I should clean it and start sorting through stuff and letting go of a lot of the things I've collected over the years. Too many computer parts and pieces, other strange electronic devices and just general debris. Of course, I'll still have a fair amount of stuff. I don't part with books and have several hundred. CDs stay, the computer stuff I use, my odds and ends of music and recording equipment. Useful stuff. But I'm sure there's quite a bit of stuff that can go. And I still am loving on the idea of finding a way to just put it all in storage for a good amount of time, get a laptop and hit the road. Travel and write. I need so little, life requires so little really. The extras just seem to make it more complicated, and require more themselves. Endless loop that has no real happiness in it. Our values are pretty out there. I'm not anti-tech, never will be. I'm not about getting rid of material possessions to find enlightenment, that's bullshit. It's about knowing what is important, realizing what things just complicate your life pointlessly, and seeing that the value and happiness is in the simple things that often get buried or tangled within the unnecessary crap. Anyway, I'm done with this house. It's been a good place to live, convenient and cozy. Quaint as hell. But, the time for me to be here is passing, the scene ends and lights drop. At this point I'll say I'm probably going to move into Eugene. Give that a go and be closer to friends and happenings and get more involved. It'll shift a lot of stuff with my business, but I'll figure it out. My position there is changing anyway, and that's another scene ending. I feel good about what I've made of it, where it is, what it has become and what it has done for this community. I'll do what I can to see it change as little as necessary, and hopefully keep it going while I move on with my life. I'm still getting used to being the boss and having employees and realizing what that means, not just the responsibilities of it, but that it can allow me certain freedoms. Like having emps come in and cover half my shift in a few weeks so I can go on a date and not worry about staying out late. Fancy that, just never occurred to me. Hilarious Movie Of The 90's :: Four Tet :: Pause

	2004.11.30  22.14 Weeehooo! With two hours to spare. Hehehe. 50,368 words in and verified. 3.3 Degrees from the Pole :: Four Tet :: Dialogue

	2004.11.30  13.43 Merry Effin' something or other to meee! My new espresso grinder just arrived, mwahaha. First thing inside the box is a yellow slip bearing big warning symbols "This appliance is intended for skilled personnel only for commercial use, not for household use. Nice. Gots ta' have skillz. It's all shiny metal and hot sex metallic silver. Matches my espresso machine and a lot of my decor. Hot hot hot. Stepless micrometrical grind adjustment gets me going. Whooo, I need a cigarette now. Cacophony::Karate::Pockets

	2004.11.30  13.18 If you see this boy: Tell him I said to get a haircut. Thanks. Music: Plainclothes Man::Heatmiser::Mic City Sons

	2004.11.30  11.27             neutral milk hotel is love brought to you by the isLove Generator Yes, yes it is. A rather strange sort of woozy, crooning love that tantalized, amazed, and then was no more, but that fits. Donald Pleasance::Flotation Toy Warning::Bluffers Guide To The Flight Deck

	2004.11.30  00.03 Hoi Polloi! I've eeked myself to within 1400 words of the finish line. I imagine sans apocalyptic catastrophe I'll be able to whip that out tomorrow. Treated myself to a couple pints and a movie last night. Cheap entertainment, think I spent $10 total. Ju-On was pretty damn creepy. Thought I was going to get a private showing, but 4 other folks showed up as it was starting. Not much for plot line, got pretty predictable... "yep, here goes another one. Bye bye." But it was pleasantly creeeeepy. Finished watching Miike's "Gozu" today. Miike never ceases to make me shake my head in wonderment. This one wasn't as polished as Ichi or Audition, nor as violent as Ichi or Dead Or Alive or Fudoh or some others. It was definitely strange and a lot of it floated on dialog and the oddball main character, the actor pulled of confused and hesitant rather well. It got into the way twisted here and there, revisited some elements of Visitor Q, and had one of the damn strangest "happy endings," I've ever come across. Well, the weird wacky Thanksgiving week/weekend is over, perhaps things will momentarily return to more normal before launching into the mad rest of the holiday season. Seems everyone has been not around for a while. I think I've been talking to myself a lot. My family has pretty much all drifted back out of town. Sis left after dinner last night, grandpa will leave in the morning. The rest of us live here. Was definitely nice, as always, to see my aunt and cousin. Even though they live here, I don't see enough of them. Today marks three months since Bel's fateful phone call. I didn't even realize until just a bit ago, but the mind I have never fails in keeping track of such things. Wish me a happy anniv. ;) There's not much to say, three months sounds like nothing, but has felt like a strange eternity. I'm now so far from where I was then. It's been long enough to where I've gotten used to being alone, my day to day solitary ways seem normal now, despite living quite differently for some years prior. I can't say I'm fully over it, her. But I'm well, and pretty eager to move on. There's still some confusion and heartache, but there's much more clarity. I don't know where things go from here. At this point I'm not sure that we're even much on speaking terms. We may have worn each other's patience too thin. We'll see. I'll be around, and while I know my life is changing and that there will be some big changes in the next year. I think she's going to be rather caught by surprise by the changes in her own life in the next few years. Annnd, I'm about to mark my one month return to soulxchange. Hehehe. Yes, my souls are doing well, thanks. I'm enjoying the game and the community with all the interesting characters involved, and even with all the crazy drama. It is a strange strange place. So, 1400 words tomorrow, then celebration, though the writing will be far from done. Then on to December, and the first order of business will be catching up on laundry, dishes, housework that's been neglected as I've sat here madly typing or starting blankly at the blinking cursor. Or idling the hours buying, selling and chatting on sxc, and the other various forums I've suddenly started jabbering at the world through the wires on. Of course the housework will have to wait until Dec. 2. Wednesday eve will be spent in socializing and celebrating the end of nanowrimo with some of the local group that gave it a whirl this year. In three years I've never met up with any of these folks, and there were quite a few of us this year. Should be fun, the forums have been lively as of late. And I suppose with the deadline writing done, I should turn some attention in Dec. to putting together my annual double-disk mix CD, as 2004 is rapidly approaching it's end, and I'd best get it together before my tentatively but highly anticipated week off and escape to TX in January, or I'll get shit from Ariel. She called me on T-Day. I'd hoped she would, hadn't heard her voice in too long. Made me realize how much I miss her. Constantly surrounded by the family I was given, it can be hard to stand only seeing once a year the family I've chosen. Life can get pretty backwards sometimes. I hope I'm on my way towards some sort of forward. Hi Court Low Cut :: Mouse On Mars :: Glam

	2004.11.28  20.38 You Are the Investigator 5 You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it. What number are you? What's all that got to do with the number 5? I don't know. It's flattering, but, I don't have much of a feel for 5. I've always leaned more towards 7, 11, 17, 23... Don't ask me to explain how numbers feel to me. *shrug* 10,000 words written today. I've still got three hours til the movie. Not sure whether to nap, stare at the wall, take a break and see if I feel like writing a bit more after not staring at the screen for a while. Or head off to the Indigo and grab a beer or two before the flick. Bring my notebook and scribble and eye people. It is usually dead on Sunday night, but who knows. There might be cute girls lurking about. Either way, I've hacked the obstacle ahead of me down to a scant 6,244 words to go. I feel accomplished. If every day could be a 10k day... *yawn* putter about, putter about. Summer Clip :: Casino Versus Japan :: Whole Numbers Play The Basics

	2004.11.28  18.42 Hmmm heh, well, that didn't take long at all. It feels late, what with the thick cold damp fog and complete darkness at 6pm. I munched a ceaser and made small talk. The seat they'd left waiting for me being between my grandfather and father, there wasn't a lot to talk about. Business mostly I suppose. They should have sat me between my aunt and my 17yo cousin and his girlfriend. Then we could have talked video games, weird movies, comics, and pop culture the rest of my family is totally detached from. Still, it was nice, my grandfather amuses me. Apparently he's seen most every movie in the theaters these days. He's in his mid 70s, his wife died nearly three years ago, he golfs in the summer, and I guess he's taken to going to the theater this winter, and once in, he just goes from movie to movie and watches all of some, parts of others. This cracks me up. Ahhh, so, now to see if I can get my writing momentum up and rolling again. I should probably whip up some more coffee and just hit it, see if I can get back into the headspace. I don't like interruptions, I live the scenes I write, I crawl into my characters and let them move and think and talk through me. Now I've been extracted and turned back into me again. Hmmmm hmmmm. Either way, it is early still. I'm thinking I might go out and catch Ju-On at the Bijou tonight. I ♥ Huckabees is playing as well. What's the rage on that one? Nah, Ju-On for me, definitely. Alternately, I could stay home and watch movies. I do have the Takashi Miike flick Gozu that just hit DVD this last week. I'm excited for that, but, would like to catch something good in the theater while I have the chance. I wish the Bijou played more Miike. Hell, I wish everywhere did. At least Netflix appears to be getting more and more of his work in. Of course, he's hard to keep up with. Okay, Ju-On plays in a bit under 5 hours. Now, coffee, and write for 3-4 hours. If I get back my earlier pace I could get damn close to 50k tonight. Nice. And no, there is still no tangible plot line. But I think I'm beginning to see what's going on. These characters can only keep me in the dark for so long. Tooth rolls :: Baby Mammoth :: Bridging Two Worlds

	2004.11.28  16.01 Leave it to family. I make and eat my sandwich, sit back to enjoy a cigarette and relax for a bit before getting back to the words, but halfway through the smoke, another scene starts reelin' out, so I grab pen and notebook and start scribblin' out this middle section of an incomplete scene that I started earlier but that comes later than what I've been writing today, yes, that's how I've been writing, fucking patchwork. Anyhow, phone rings, sister. Family, grandpa, whoever is having dinner at 4:30 and want me to show up. I can't decline this one, but who the fuck has dinner at 4:30? Okay okay, who the fuck has lunch at 3:30? Me, that's who. So I've just finished lunch and am given 45 minutes to get together and get my ass to dinner. I haven't showered since early yesterday morning, haven't shaved since thanksgiving day, I'm in the middle of a mad writing session with ideas and words pouring out faster than I can get them down, writing one section while other form around it in my head. These are the things that make me yearn anew for that excuse of 2000 miles distance to escape familial duties. Let me be an unwashed, unshaven hermit lost deep in the throes of inspiration. This is not something called up at will, it is the slippery serpent that rises at whim and must be harnessed and ridden! Haha, how dramatic. Okay, I've already decided to show up late. But, still must shower, shave, dress and drive. I've left the writing in the middle of various sections, so hopefully enough momentum has been created, and enough potential force tied in to whip up a renewed kinetic force when I return. skarakesh :: 9 Lazy 9 :: electric lazyland

	2004.11.28  15.09 Wooooha. I was at 25k words last monday, and managed only another 8k over the course of the week, leaving me at 33k last night. 17k and 3 days to go, needing 5500 words a day. After sleeping late and getting work on this around noon or so. In the last 2-3 hours I've done another 7000 words. Yes, I can type pretty fast. So, that leaves me at just over 40k completed, just under 10k to go with 57? hours remaining? I just might make it. I'm in the middle of a bit that is already in my head, taking a break to make a sandwich, then will be back at it, hopefully for a few more hours. I'm concerned as to what will happen when I finish this scene. Another dead end could l leave me drifting and at a loss of needed words with the deadline fast approaching. Ooooh, the suspense. Cyborg :: M83 :: Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts

	2004.11.25  13.33 Went out yestereve to join the night before shoppers in getting food items for holiday feasts. The stores were hectic, but the crowds bothered me not the least, I was calm and patient and strolled along with a grin on my face. Strange, I've found in past years myself avoiding shopping more and more as the crowds of people always exhausted me completely. I'm full of something strange and new these days. I purchased gin, I purchased animal flesh, potatoes for mashin', organic baby greens and other salad fixings, crescent rolls. Then I just stocked up on my conventional grocery items, as I usually do semi-weekly shopping at Sundance and only go to the big grocery store every couple months for those things I haven't been able, don't wish to, or can't afford to replace with some sort of organic, natural, support the local organic store equivalent. I eat organic celery with skippy peanut butter. Skippy was on sale, 2 for 5 or somesuch, bought one creamy, one supercrunchy. My face is quite proficient at growing hair. I'm hooked on overpriced Gillette Mach 3 blades, though actually I've never grown to like them as much as the Sensor Excel they sent me for my 18th birthday, 2 blades to 3, but it still seemed quicker and smoother to shave with. Either way, yes, I know Gilette is evil. Sorry little bunnies, my face appreciates your sacrifice. Toilet paper, cat food, in large enough amounts for a few months. Special holiday treats for Miss Molly. I forgot crackers, damn me. I wanted Wheat Thins and Saltines, of course. One must have Saltines. Worse, though, is forgetting garlic. Mashed potatoes without garlic for thanksgiving is not going to fly. Oh well, I know Sundance is open today, as Bel told me she was working 2-7 before going on to her T-day festivities. I can shower, shave my too many days caveman facial moss with a fresh razor, and zip into town to get garlic, eggs as the store didn't have appropriately organic, cage-free unmedicated chicken eggs. I want turkey eggs. Ever had a turkey egg? Me neither. Then I can harass Bel about skipping out on the Pinback show. And tell her the whole story of the night. It went something like: I showed up early, which I never do, wanted to catch the whole interesting lineup. The place was fairly dead, the inner doors not open yet and people milling about. I heard the sweet sounds of Ratatat coming from somewhere and followed them downstairs to the bar. It was meant to be. Toad was checking IDs, bizarre bizarre. The bar was empty but for the keep and another emp/volunteer. I walked up and said "Ahhh, I thought I heard Ratatat coming from somewhere." He says "Yeah, this is actually the recording from them playing live at the Wow Hall." Which was early October, opening for Mouse On Mars. I was there and it was a great show, which I point out, and we agree upon. Great show, great. We chatter a bit more as I select and order a beer. All this is unusual already, me chatting up the bartender, being chatty with strangers period. I get my beer and sit and watch the screen showing the inner sanctum and the stage being setup, while nodding my head to the sweet nostalgia of Ratatat live, and drinking a nice pint of Dead Guy. I finish up and go back upstairs and outside for a smoke, have brief conversations with random people. Go back inside and shortly The Advantage comes to the stage. I'd heard their music and it was alright. Classic video game tunes, done by a rock band. Two guitars, bass, drums. I always preferred my video game tunes pretty blippy and electronic, so never gave them much listen. Live, they rocked. And I gained a new appreciation for just how difficult it was to reproduce those step-programmed 8-bit tunes with live instruments. Watching the flying fingers of the bass player during one particularly hectic cut from Castlevanyia left me in awe. Good stuff. Still, after a while I wandered off, back down to the bar. Stood in line a bit, walked up to the counter and the keep nodded recognition at me and pulled me another Dead Guy. I smiled, paid, and tipped. Found a seat and read the wow hall notes that somehow did not get delivered to my home address this month. Which is most unfortunate since the last edition of the year's mailing label serves as any member's ticket to the member dinner/show festivity in December. Of course, I can probably get in anyhow, as I checked the list of members in the edition while I drank my beer, and there I was. Of course, I'm in as a moniker, lol, as they contacted me to donate and join by pulling my contact info from a slip I'd entered in a contest to win Mogwai schwag at the Mogwai show when Bel and I had been quite toasted, and just filled it out with my main pseudonym. So, will they let me in if I can't prove I'm me? Yes, yes, I did give you that money, yes I go by different names. Look, see, here's my lovingly worn Zippo, but it is monogrammed with the same surname as the name on your list, though my legal identification carries a different one. *shrug*. As I was reading a girl sat next to me, despite enough empty chairs in the row to put space between us. We made clumsy conversation. Oh well. I went back outside and ended up talking to someone about something, and then someone else wandered in on the end of that conversation while the other fellow wandered off. I ended up talking to this fellow for quite sometime, missed a decent amount of Neil Hamburger's standup bit, but, met a cool guy who does computer security for infogroup northwest, is a mac/bsd geek, reads a lot. So we talked computers and books and general shit and hit it off pretty well. I gave him my email and we exchanged names. I went in and watched a bit of the hamburger schtick, then went and had another beer and wandered back outside. Time passage gets unsure at this point. I laughed and talked with people outside for a while, the strolled back in to see if Pinback were starting soon. Stood around a while and waiting. Ran into a girl who'd been part of the group I was chatting with outside and talked to her a bit, laughing about alarm clocks and other strange stuff. She strolled off, then strolled back, finally the band started. They opened with Boo, my most listened Pinback song of the moment. I was quite thrilled. I was also thrilled to find them mellow, but danceable. I was hyper all night and wishing for upbeat music and was wondering how Pinback would pan for live performance, if we'd all just stand there and shoegaze. But, they picked their songs up a bit over the recordings, and I got to mellowly rock myself out. I was more in motion than most of the crowd, but, I'm spazztastic like that. So, they played several good songs, and I enjoyed it, but kept waiting for them to play Rousseau, my all-time fave song. That would have made my night. Instead of doing this and making my night, about 3/4 of the way through their set, the bass player got up to the mic and said something like "Well, I guess it's time, someone has to make this announcement, I hate to say it, but Pinback is over with, this shit is old, I'm bored, bye." And he walked off stage. The rest of the band looked somewhat shocked and somewhat not. One guy started packing up his equipment. The other two quickly pulled off one more song they didn't need the other's for, and that was it. So, that may have been the last Pinback show ever. We'll see. We all filtered out in a bit of a daze, and much conversation went on outside. Some amusement, some disgust, some feeling ripped off, some just shrugging and laughing. I saw the girl I'd been chatting with before the show started, went over to her and told her it had been nice to talk to her, and gave her my name. She smiled and returned the sentiment and gave me her name. We passed the usual wishes for each other to enjoy their nights and parted ways. I've always been shy. I've never been one to strike up conversations and am usually somewhat clumsy when anyone talks to me. Girls generally terrify me and make my tongue go thick. Approaching them just does not happen. Or well, I guess it didn't used to. There were too many envisioned pitfalls and fuckups and consequences. I wasn't thinking about those things last night, I don't think about them much anymore. I just go about being me and say things when something is in my head to be said, don't grope for the socially appropriate phrases, smile and enjoy conversing, don't think beyond the moment, and all is well. I'm pretty happy with the progress. Seems like small things, but it is huge for me. After a few years here I'm meeting people, no matter how casually. The more I am about the more I'll acquaint and possibly run into again, build friendships where substance and commonality is found, exchange smiles and waves where nothing goes beyond basic familiarity. It is nice. To be alive, to be just another human, to be individually my self and happy with that and to feel the old fears and ideas that I'm a social outcast drop away. Hi, I'm Johnny. I have much to be thankful for at this point. Most of it I really don't have words for. Most of it is deeply personal and hard to explain. Just as I can't really explain why I feel great things have happened in my life in the past few months, but there aren't really surface events to point at. I am definitely thankful for all the friends, no matter how well or how little we know each other. Whether we've met, or are just whispers on the wires across states and continents. All of you who've listened to me, read my words, Shared compassion and passed best wishes my way. There's been little anyone could do to help me with the situations I've been through. But, so many have done so much still, to give me something that's kept me going, and helped me immensely to get through and grow from all I've been through. Thank you all. Have a wonderful day. I hope all of you have as much to be thankful for as I do. summer :: 9 lazy 9 :: paradise lost

	2004.11.24  16.12 Hmmm, gotta figure out something more special than my usual diet of rice or eggs or toast or potatoes to whip up for thanksgiving. And something special for the kitty too. Guess I'll hit the liquor store, get some gin, then wander the grocery store and figure something out. I'm sure it'll be mad full of evening before shoppers, whatever. Pinback show is tonight, that should be cool cool. Openers are Neil Hamburger, some sort of strange standup "anti-comedy", whatever that means. And then The Advantage, rocked out NES tunes. I prefer my video game tunes bleeped out more than rocked out, but, should be fun regardless. Bel mentioned Oona wanted her to take her to the show. So, maybe they'll show up. That'd be cool, or interesting, or hopefully fun. Regardless, I intend to enjoy myself, and drink, and enjoy myself. Tomorrow I'll probably skip work, or show up for long enough to make myself some 'spresso, check on the minions, and finish up the paperwork I should have finished Tuesday but have been slacking off on. We close at noon, I'll go back home and drink and write and cook and drink and write. I figure if I'm spending Thanksgiving alone I oughta have a bottle of Bombay Sapph to keep me company. Heh, that makes it sound sad. Really I'm not bothered by it at all. I'll have dinner with a handful of family Saturday night when they all roll into town. Tomorrow no one will be around much, soulxchange will probably be dead, and hopefully I'll be able to haul up some ass on nanowrimo writing. And, of course, Ella found out I wasn't doing anything tomorrow and invited me to come by. Told her I didn't want to interrupt her thanksgiving with just her husband and kids, as she seemed excited to just have the four of them. But she told me another three or four times, "if you get bored, we'd love to have you." Sweet, very sweet. So, if I do find myself unenthralled with spending the holiday with myself, cat, and gin, I can go kick it and play with the kids and have conversation with Bryan and Ella. They came in this afternoon and Will, the two year old, had a plate with a giant fucking brownie on it. I said "wow, that's some brownie." Ella asked him, "who is it for?" he thought for a minute, staring at the brownie, then said "uhm, all of us." Haha, it was for me, but he obviously didn't want to part with it, but knows not to be greedy and try to have it all for himself. So I've got me a giant super-rich brownie that'll last for days. Annnd, that's that. Guess I better go do some shoppin' as time slips by me these days and I could easily lose track of the 4 hours between now and the show. Hope everyone has wonderful holidays, whatever they do, wherever they go. Safe travels for the travellers, grand festivities for the festive, peaceful relaxation for those who take it as a good excuse to just relax.

	2004.11.24  10.45 Drank a few beers as if to find some ease. Unusual for me and weeknights anymore. I find myself in clarity and constant projects of some sort to have forgotten the daily preoccupations of drink and smoke. Old habits wander off. I found myself in pathetic sadness, wishing arms to hold me, and warmth to comfort. An unthreatening beauty to come and understand and help me forget. Finally, forget. No more stand straight, no more head on. Wash this away. I realized in my mantra to "focus on myself." To not let the heartache slow my personal progress, to get on with my own separate life I'd relegated her to quarantine, to be dealt with only as was necessary for daily survival and as the occasional breakout threatened contamination of the freshly scrubbed calm. Funny how you can not deal with something that not a day passes without you thinking about. I suppose it happens all the time. Funny how I could do so while so intently dealing with every other aspect of my self that came into view. I made a start. Deal with it now as I've dealt with my self. Same approach that has worked so well. Finally time and I'm sorry I didn't get there before things got explosive. Better now than waiting for the fall of axe, the crack of ultimatum. Progress, progress, the phone rang and I took on Rheanna. Dealt with as much as I could as well as I could and moved onto more normal conversation for us. Talked a good long while. I can separate our business and personal relationships, even within a single phone call. This impresses her. It's just my nature. Things are what they are, connected and separate. I have different expectations in different situations and to blur them would be inefficient and cause pointless complication. Today I float calmly and have finished and sent what should be the last lengthy email to the girl. With intention that from here on out things shall require neither explanation nor questioning of any great effort. From here we stand in the present and rebuild all conceptions. Nothing we had can create expectations on what we should have. We'll have to get to know each other now. I will ask nothing of her. She will give only what she has. I will offer nothing. I will give only what is asked or obviously desired. I will judge every moment in the moment and take my pains alone. Excuse myself and walk away until I can be there. And if I find I cannot, I'll go. All in calm, all in quiet. If she sees nothing in my eyes, she will never see. I've never been as hard as she makes me out to be. Boo::Pinback::Too Many Shadows Tour EP 2004

	2004.11.24  10.25 Woke up this morning Had a cup of coffee and some cocaine Wrapped my head in cellophane Went jello diving down at the Y. These are the things I'm thankful for A pearl in my wine And a postman at my door He comes by every day or so to tell me there's no mail. Montaigne::Pinback::This Is A Pinback Cd

	2004.11.23  18.30 What a mad bloody day. Honestly, it didn't feel half as bad as it sounds in description, but looking over it I just shake my head. ( the day to end all days ) fucking the monsterous music :: Black Lung :: Profound And Sentimental Journey

	2004.11.22  11.29 Hmmmm. One week left of nanowrimo. I just crossed the halfway point. 25k done, 25k to go. Can it be done? Should I just give up now? Hehe. Well, I'm not stopping, regardless, I'll keep working on his past the end of november, so, might as well keep going, as to hitting 50k by midnight sunday. Well, that would mean I have to stop procrastinating and being distracted by other projects, life in general, soulxchange, watching movies, chatting online, working on other pieces of writing, etc. However, that does give me a grand excuse to cut out on thanksgiving early if I find it tortuous. That's always a good thing. The family understands. Sorry folks, I've got a deadline! Yes, with the increased media nanowrimo suddenly got this year, and the fact that I've been wearing nanowrimo t-shirts for the last few years and fielding random questions about it, everyone seems to know it is this month and that of course I'm participating yet again. So, all month I get the "how's the novel going?" question from customers, family members, etc. "Slowly" is the general answer. Okay, it goes quickly when I sit down and write. The 25k I have is not that many sessions worth. I do 2k at a sitting minimum, and generally nail out 3-5. So yes, if I write every day this week, I can get there. And I've got the advantage that even though I haven't been sitting at the keyboard typing away at this thing, it has continued to write itself in my head while I've been up to other stuff. I must have the basic premise, outline, events, and random dialogue of another 3-4 chapters stashed in various corners of my mind. That's what really makes me wish I could have the life of no alarm clocks, sleeping when tired, eating when hungry, working when inspired. My brian churns away on this stuff at times when the schedules of daily life don't allow me to sit down at the keyboard. When I'm trying to nod off at 2am so I might actually wake up by 6am and not be late to work, when I'm grogged off in the shower trying not to let time slip away in that oh so timeless place and make me late for work, when I'm driving down the road and can neither type nor jot notes and ideas. I suppose maybe someday I should get to like the idea of verbally dictating creative bits, get a highly fuel economic car with a killer sound system, and take to the open road. Good plan. Get a bunch of money, buy a hybrid, buy a digital recorder with lots and lots of memory, pimp out stereo system and aux input to plug in a 100gig iPod that should be available by then. Though, by then my music collection will surely exceed 100gigs, that's plenty to keep me going for a while. No, no, just can't imagine that. Sounds like a total yuppie novelist scenario. Well, at least my '88 Nissan Sentra gets 30 MPG, the speakers suck, but I've got a deck that plays MP3 CDs so I can stack several hours on one burned disk. I've got a microcassette recorder that gets 30 minutes per tape, so I'd need a stack of prenumbered tapes. Oh, and of course the missing essential, time and money to disappear to the open roads for a long stretch. Hehe. Okay, really should quit making LJ posts, forum posts, yapper posts, and start writing. Just one cup of coffee and I'll get to it. I swear! Saturday Night Worldcup Fieber :: Mouse On Mars :: Iaora Tahiti

	2004.11.22  00.47 Tonight's Sporting Drama! Molly The Cat Vs. Sponge The Bob! With Ruthless Shocking Ending! ( See our beloved champion go head to head with the nefarious Spongebob! ) Anthem :: Gus Gus :: Gusgus Vs T-World

	2004.11.20  01.43 I was just laying in bed, thinking. I seem to do that now. I go to bed between 10:30 and 12:30 and lay there thinking until about 1 AM, when I either fall asleep or realize I'm not going to fall asleep and get up and do something for a while after which I usually find myself exhausted and fall asleep by around 2. Anyway, I was lying there, thinking about this and that. My thoughts ran to a point where they crossed something I'd stated to Bel in an email last night. A line about breaking out of a decade of depression. At which point my anal measurement part of my brain kicked over to check the accuracy of that. It already knew it was more than a decade, a decade simply being a rough statement. The difficult thing being the fact that up until some certain age I was totally unaware of a thing called "depression", at least as a chronic sort of state. As an idea of mental illness, chemical imbalance, whatever the fuck. I hadn't been ingrained with that yet, and didn't think of it as something to be stuck with or in. So how could I tell when it started? I was quite aware it reached back to when I was 12. That's when I know things were really shitty. But I suppose the reason I was thinking about the statement in the first place was because I'd been thinking about something else. Bel most likely. Okay, I guarantee I was thinking about Bel, and had felt my mood slip off into that old familiar despairing depression. That's why I thought about the decade and breaking out of it. So, as I was trying to count back and trace it, while feeling this state, I found myself following that particular feeling, that unique sorrow, despair, discontent, a personal flavor without exact words to describe it. I found myself flitting back back, reeling through and slowing down at particular places to see myself, experience myself through my childhood in that state, or in smaller states that built over time, the beginnings of the sorrows, worries, despair. It seems to have stemmed mostly from feelings of failure, of letdown, of worry and fear that I'd fucked up and that things weren't going to work out, That there were lifelong consequences to these little failures. These added in with the treatment by my peers, the ridicule and feeling that I didn't fit, didn't click, wasn't accepted. This flitted me back and back and back. Preschool, 5 and 4 years old. Sitting there alone, playing by myself, somewhat content, but already that sorrow was there. This was a bit of a shock, but I was really more amazed at how I'd traced the emotions back, and how I found myself there, at such a young age. Experiencing myself at that age, feeling my emotions and seeing my surroundings and being aware of my thoughts. I left the sorrow and just started tracing memories, and went back, to memories I can't really put into an age and time. All the memories I have of my first home, in my hometown, before we moved to another town. Before I really had a before and after progression. We moved when I was 3, so all the memories I have were 3 and younger, but I can't really order them very well. Either way, there are a lot of them and I was quite young. But I can remember them clearly, remember my feelings, my curiosity, my joys and sorrows. I remember the house and the yard, the railroad tracks behind, my sandbox in the front yard. I remember sitting at the breakfast table and waving at the train going by in the morning. Eating raisin bran. I remember dinner at that table and disliking spinach. I think I put up a fuss not wanting to eat it. Perhaps an early and for whatever reason memorable tiff to me. I was generally well behaved. I remember going to my grandpa's so early in the morning it was still dark, the day we rode the train. On the train passing by my own house, my parents crouched beneath the window I looked out each morning to wave at the passing train. They had gloves on, digging and planting flowers. On the other side of the tracks were small ponds, gravel pits more likely. I have a memory of my mother ice skating on one frozen in the winter. That particular memory throws me, as it seems unlike my mother. I'll have to ask her. I remember playing in the snow. I remember playing in my sandbox, making mud pies. Being called in to watch Mr. Rogers and having my mother stop me to take off my boots, and her seeming somewhat miffed by my muddy state of affairs. I remember baths with dishsoap bubbles for bubble bath. I remember eating the bubbles, I liked to eat them. I remember sitting on the toilet in the same bathroom, with the bathroom door open, too young for a sense of modesty or shame at my own bodily functions. I remember the phone ringing and ringing, and my father running past the bathroom door. My father doesn't run, never really has, not a hurried man. I remember being in the back bathroom of my parents' bedroom, with my mother, her getting ready for something. She put on her bra and I asked her what the strange thing was for. She gave me some explanation, and I probably asked another question to do with breasts, she explained breast feeding, though all that has remained with me is something to do with geese making milk. I don't get this, it seemed to me some part of the milk producing system were called geese. But, to my present knowledge, there is nothing in the female breast that is called or sounds like geese. Go figure that. I remember discovering that one person could pick up the phone in the living room, another in my parents' bedroom, and talk to each other. I remember laying in bed and kicking the wall between my own and my sister's room. I remember the feel of the cool smooth wallpapered wall on my small bare soles. Drove my sister damn crazy. I remember the neighbor's fire pit, a brick circle flat to the ground, the pit sunken a ways down. Papa & Alta, kindly old folks, we roasted marshmallows in their fire pit one evening and bothered them about it forever after, could we do it tonight tonight tonight. I remember how the living room was originally arranged with the television on one side of the room, leaving the other side empty. I remember crawling up to the bare outlet on that side and receiving a shock for giving it a taste. Should that have killed the little me? I remember later the TV being on this side, plugged into said outlet. We watched Mr. Rogers and the Electric Company, that's about it from my memories. I remember being quite sunburned and riding in the car and arguing with my sister as we went around curves and bumped against each other, "don't touch me!" "you touched me!" "no you touched me!" Driving mother insane. I remember stopping at the gas station and garage my grandparents owned with my father. I remember the toe trucks and huge forklift and all their names. Big Tow, Little Tow, and Tugger. I remember watching them place the yellow Shell sign up on the pole using Tugger, the big forklift. I remember stopping by there on our way to go see the Greebs, or whatever those ducky birds are called. Everything was so big then. It's amusing to recall how it all towered above me. My memories cannot be at all trusted for scale. I remember when we moved, my father's little red toyota pickup truck piled high with our belongings, it seemed a giant tower reaching to the sky, with my plastic big wheels tricycle strapped at the very top way way way out of my reach. Memories are not static impressions. My memories live just as I do. All those moments continue on and offer me up the opportunity to visit and relive. They offer me the chance to better understand myself, to see how my thoughts and perspectives grew. To understand how I built up my reality to what it is now. They offer me a better understanding of reality and its multiplicity. They show me how the present works and how the now stacks all around in a shuffle of potentials, each as alive as any other. How I exist in a chosen focus and filter the rest out, but how they all exist ever around me, and are nearly as reachable as the nows I call past and memory, yet that still live. The three year old me is still there, being three, in the way I was and in infinite variation. I see this all with awe and amazement. I understand and would be grateful were it not the most natural thing in the world. But I am glad to see and know now, and realize what I have available to me, to enrich my present and future with this knowledge and the known ability to shift and jump and play among my potential selves, knowing that I am simply one potential myself. And I choose. I choose. Sly time :: Baby Mammoth :: Bridging Two Worlds

	2004.11.15  11.40 Erf Merf. All the ups and downs. This has had the feeling of a pretty lengthy long weekend, which is always a plus. And considering it is still in the AM of the second day of my weekend and I still have a whole day off ahead of me. Nice. I suppose the eventful part of the weekend is over, but still having time to chill, and get things done and such is nice. Saturday night was keen. Met up with V finally for drinks and such. We changed bars to avoid live music and be able to converse. So, lots of good conversation, music, literature, life, until the bars closed and we found ourselves tipped and wandering the streets of late night Eugene leaving a swath of mischief, mayhem, and rearrangement in our wake. I still have a streak of juvenile delinquency left in me. I'm not destructive, I just like to rearrange and create confusion. Made it home around 4am, asleep at 5. I guess I forgot to turn my alarm off, but, it didn't wake me. Woke at about 8:45am to my phone ringing. It was Rheanna, she should know better, I didn't answer. Got up at noon, groggy but not in too much pain, moved slowly throughout the day, eventually tacked on another 6000 words for nanowrimo. I'm far behind but still in contention. I've lost the buffer I like to keep, but can still pull it off. We'll see. At some point during the day I got the sinking feeling that Bel was going to stand me up and not call. Not sure why really, but it felt like intuition. I tried not to worry about it, but, felt that since we hadn't had concrete plans, and she'd seemed like it was a hassle to call, but there didn't seem to be a better way to arrange things at that point, as she has no number for me to call, I didn't know where she'd moved to, etc, it seemed that it couldn't be too hard for her to find a phone. But then, I dunno, I just felt like she wasn't willing to make the effort. So, as 8 rolled around and I expected a call and none came I got moody. By 9 I'd pretty much given up on it, was just trying to be calm and not too disappointed. But, I was pretty pissed really. Thinking she'd stood me up and couldn't make the effort to make a simple phone call. By 9:30 I was somewhat resolved but definitely disappointed and unable to really focus on anything or get very distracted. Then the phone rang. I of course was like "wow, I thought you were going to stand me up!" Which was probably the wrong thing to say. And maybe it was silly to not give her the benefit of the doubt that she'd call eventually, but, I guess I just don't have that much faith in her to pull through on stuff or make any effort with me. Erf. And it bothers me to realize that regardless of the fact she did eventually call, that it wouldn't have surprised me if she'd stood me up. I guess all the times she didn't return my phone calls, hasn't responded to emails, hasn't answered questions and has avoided me in various ways over the last few months has taken its toll on my faith in the situation. So, she called, but didn't sound enthusiastic about hanging out, I thought perhaps she'd just cancel. I had to ask her "so you want to hang out or not Bel?" Yeah, she did, but wasn't sure where, explained her place was cozy, but not that great for hanging out... so, let's go elsewhere, no biggy. I finally got her to give me directions and headed off to pick her up. She's got this cool little space behind another house, it's pretty decent for a little square, though the rent seems to me a bit high, and the initial move-in costs set her back. But it is definitely a nice space. We ventured to Theo's to see if they were open and sit and chat. They were open, but had a band playing. Same shit, just want to talk without hollering over a band. So, we ventured on up to the Indigo. It was quiet, we grabbed a booth. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she hmmm'd and didn't say much, so I said I was grabbing a beer and she could do whatever. So, I got a beer and she sat there with no drink. She just seemed distant and strange, I dunno. She didn't say much, we talked but it was mostly inane. I ended up filling the space talking about nothing, talking about things I don't really care about or think about, and found myself bitching about things that don't really bother me, all too bizarre. I dunno, something about the night and all of it was just too off. We finally left because she seemed to want to go home, though she wouldn't say anything. I couldn't get a straight answer from her most of the night really. Which just left me feeling like she didn't want to be there, but was hanging out for my sake or some shit. I'm never quite sure if she really wants to spend time or have contact or if she's doing it for my sake, to try and be nice to me, to maintain something out of some sense of responsibility. I don't know, we'd both seemed pretty excited to see each other and hang out. We'd both felt like we hadn't seen each other in a while. But, shit just went all wrong. We left and got bitchy with each other and it just sucked. Sucked sucked sucked. And in the end I always end up feeling like it is my fault. She said I was angry and bitchy with her, and wrote her behavior off to that. I dunno, maybe she felt I was being some way or the other and just closed herself off to me because of that, whatever it was, it sucked. We didn't seem to have much to say and both seemed tired and grumpy. She said it was awkward, her usual sentiment. I felt shitty about the whole night. Felt shitty that I didn't feel like myself, that for whatever reason my whole sense of self and well being got shattered around her. That I talked and just ended up sounding like the same nonsensical cynicism and shit of days gone by. I don't know, I really don't. I don't know what effect it will have. She says she'll talk to me later, but, I can't see her being real interested in contacting me, and she really doesn't make contact with me anyhow. I don't know. I came home quite upset with just unplaceable feelings, lucky I was exhausted and passed out. I feel better today, and am just confused as to what happened, how things could go so wrong, what the hell our problem was. We just weren't ourselves at all. It just seems like she so often expects me to be strange and freak out in some way or the other, and treats me quite strangely because of that, and then I stumble around and end up doing something that she construes as freaking out, though I'm always just trying to make heads and tails of things, but she won't talk, she won't work shit out, she won't tell me what's up with her. Anyway, I can't make sense of it, it just went all wrong. I don't know what will happen now. My life goes on, her life goes on. This time I can neither apologize, nor try to explain myself, nor try to get her to talk about what the hell is going on. I don't think it was my fault, I think it just happened, and I don't think she'd care to talk about it. At least she informed me of the upcoming Pinback show that I'd been somehow unaware of. Dunno, things are always changing. They just seemed like they'd gotten a lot better. Not sure how they self-destructed. Boom. Grrrrr. Today seems to be the day o' leaf blowers. From the moment I woke up, they've been passing off and on. A shame, it's been so pretty out here with leaves covering everything. Laying as they fell, undisturbed. I get so unnerved with our preoccupation with tidying every damn thing. Tidying up nature until there's nothing natural left of it. Guess I'll turn the music up, make some more coffee, take a shower and get on with the rest of my day. Tra la! Kanu :: Mouse On Mars :: Iaora Tahiti

	2004.11.13  11.37 Oh the schemes I can scheme. Where'd this week go? Dunno dunno. Went to Portland again last Sunday to see The Faint. Had a fabulous time, The Faint were just fantastic, naturally. I was sore for days afterwards, though I'm still not sure whether that was from all the dancing, or pushing Sarah up and down hills in shopping cart, or from various other strange things I was doing in my hyperactive drunkenness. Somehow my lower abdominals got such a workout that they would show soreness for a few days every time I tamped espresso at work for a few days. Now that, is odd. This week has been vaguely uneventful. I was late for work 3 days running, and for whatever reason chose early in the week to jack my sleep schedule around and start napping for 1-3 hours after work, then being up until around 1am every night. So, still sleeping between 5-7 hours a day as per usual, but only sleeping 4-5 hours in one stretch max. It's taking a few days to adjust to, as it seems really strange and goes against the whole "you need 8 hours of sleep a day to be healthy healthy healthy." Yeah, because our society is soooo fucking healthy. Just let me get my bucket of pills and I'll be right with you. Anyhow, I like it. And it seems to like me, I seem to be getting increasingly cheerful, and no, not cheerful about anything, just, cheerful in general. It is downright eerie, might just be a fluke. I certainly still kick in and out of my moods, but, have had a good couple days, and haven't felt quite so manic when I'm cheerful either. So, I've still been debating whether to go to Portland for the Blonde Redhead show Sunday night. At this point I'm guessing I won't, but I'm still not totally swung. But, it's looking like I might have a weekend of having a life IN EUGENE, which is kinda weird and unusual for me these days. Generally I either stay home all weekend and putter about, or leave town and have a life. I guess my Sister is here this weekend. So far I haven't seen her, but, that's sure not to last. I guess my parents and my sis are going to see "The Producers" some Broadway play tonight, I was invited, but cheerfully told them I already have plans. Not that I have big plans, but, grabbing a beer with a friend actually sounds better to me than sitting in a seat and watching a play with my family. Go figure. I like plays and all. And I even like my family. Buttttt, yeah. So, I should be meeting Miss V tonight, which should be chill and it's always nice to put a face to the friendly specter at the end of the wire. I went shopping last night, so I can eat, and saw Bel and chatted with her, which was nice. It seems we haven't seen each other in ages, though it's only been two weeks, but I suppose we haven't talked for more than a few moments in about a month. So, if I stick around here Sunday night, as I'm likely to do, I'll probably get to hang out with her, see her new place, or her "square" as she calls it, and catch up and chatter and such. When we were chattering last night, for whatever reason, I don't know what brought it out, but she told me "You should open a coffee shop in town." I keep hearing this from people. People in town and my customers out here who work in town who tell me I should open a place by campus since they can't get good espresso down there. Yeah yeah, if anyone from Eugene reads this they may scream "Roma! Roma!" Everyone loves Roma. But the fact of the matter is, the espresso drinks at Roma are utter crap. Sorry to tell ya folks. The espresso in Eugene is drinkable at best, but mostly crap. So anyhow, these ideas have been rolling around in my head for a while now as people keep telling me I should do this. My initial hesitancy of, oh it would be so much overhead, so much work, so much initial investment, I'm too young and crazy for a business venture that big, all my lack of confidence and all that jazz kinda slips off and I start plotting and scheming for what I'd like to do. How much fun it'd be to run a shop in town and get to interact with people around my age, to do live music and other interesting events, etc etc. I'd also like to have a place that is open LATE. So, I babbled some of my ideas off to Bel, and her response was "Oh, so basically a place that has all the things Eugene is lacking." Yeah, guess so, exactly. So, one of my early customers this morning. And again I don't know how the subject came up, but we were talking and I mentioned the ideas rolling around in my head, and how I'd like to do it without selling my current shop, as my place is much adored in this community, and fits here, even if I personally do not. So, I was talking about being hesitant to get into it myself, and of course, would probably want partners or at least need investors. And so he tells me that he, and a friend of his would probably both be interested in investing. They wouldn't want to have much of anything to do with running the place, just, ya know, put in money and such. So, I've got schemes and potential investors outta the blue. What the hell? Anyway, I'm not rushing into it, but I'm looking at it over the next year, hammer out my ideas and ponder, and keep an eye open for spaces, etc. Possibly put together a business plan, sort out legalities, contracts, partnerships, how I could pull the whole thing off, and figure a year from now I should know whether I even want to stay in this area or not. At the moment I'm just damned amused and enjoying my plotting and scheming and the fact that I've already got people who'd consider putting money in on my venture. Not bad. Not bad at all. Ptolemy :: Aphex Twin :: Selected Ambient Works 85-92

	2004.11.05  10.46 Brrrrrrrrr. A nice, foggy, 34 degree morning. Work is quiet for the moment. I should be working on nanowrimo writing. Of course, I'd choose the week it started to get readdicted to soulxchange. Yeah, I've been slacking at work, slacking at home, slacking at writing. Slacking period. Oh well, I needed a break. The Faint show is Sunday. Sweeeet. I haven't decided whether to keep or unload my Blonde Redhead ticket for the following weekend. I think I may sell it off though and stay home that weekend and get my home life back together and focus on catching up on the writing. After two weekends out of town I'll probably need a weekend at home. Today will be a long day. After closing up I'll be coming back at 5 and staying open until 8. So, it'll be a 14 hour day with a break of about an hour and a half in between bits. Oh well. I'm not coming to work until noon tomorrow. That's a decent trade off. Still get off work early enough to do something with the night if I choose, and can sleep in til 9 or so like it's the weekend. Brand Of Skin::Folk Implosion::The New Folk Implosion

	2004.11.03  12.49 Well. Fear, Hatred, Ignorance and Bigotry apparently reign supreme in the US. I'm truly amazed that Bush took the majority of the popular vote. I'm truly amazed that 11 states voted to ban gay marriage. Of course these two things have a lot to do with each other. Something that seemed to surprise everyone was how big a player the idea of morality turned out to be. And that the huge chunk of voters who said they are extremely concerned about moral issues overwhelmingly voted for Bush. I wasn't aware the guy had morals, scruples, integrity, or any of that shit. Oh wait... he wants a nationwide ban on gay marriage... them's morals. Oh, and he's anti-abortion. Yup, morals. He's responsible for who fucking knows how many deaths of servicemen, civilians, etc etc. To the estimated 90% of 18-24 year olds who didn't vote yesterday; What the Fuck?? Do you think this doesn't effect you? Did you think you couldn't make a difference? Are you total defeatists, whiney little bitches, or just stupid fucking consumer cheap thrill seekers who were too busy playing DDR to make it to the polls. And what are you going to say if the draft gets reinstated? The bill is out there, it hasn't been shut down. It makes no exemptions for College, nor for Females. They want ALL of you. Are you going to bitch and whine when they call you up to serve your country? To go get your ass blown off in Iraq or North Korea or wherever the Imperialist machine decides to bulldoze next? Tough shit, huh? You didn't fucking vote, you decided to let someone else control your life, you gave up your power, you decided you still want your parents and grandparents to make all the decisions in your life. As long as you don't have to be in bed by 9 pm anymore, you could give a shit what happens eh? But, all in all. Other than being pissed off at that particular demographic, I'm pretty resolved to the whole thing. No screaming, crying, doom and gloom here. This was democracy in action. Yes there were dirty tricks. Yes there were people handing out misleading fliers, making phone calls posing as official people and departments and telling people to vote on the 3rd, or that their polling location had changed. I dunno, I keep hearing random people suggesting foul play stole this one, but I don't buy it. It seems pretty clear to me we have heard the voice of the people. The Reps put out the push, they managed to make moral issues a huge part of this election, they woke up a big demographic of supporters. The Democrats failed to match this. Yes I'm amazed that there could be so many people in this country who can't see what a raging fuck up Bush is. But know we know. We've learned how the people in our country see things. We can see quite clearly how extremely divided we are. Good to know. So, I don't see much to whine about and bemoan. We live in a democracy, the majority rules. We know who the majority is now, and as the majority of the population believes in them to guide us, they get their chance to guide us. At least the fuckers aren't some 90% majority. At least there's a very strong division and a large enough body of dissenters to keep some things in check. The next 4 years may be quite interesting. They may also be disheartening, or they may be surprising. With a Republican President, Republican controlled Senate and House. Well, we know which agenda is going to be moving forward. We may have big fight ahead to defend key things. Civil liberties, public services, environmental protection, keeping a balance of power between the people and government/big business, keeping our schools open, fighting for health care, trying to survive individually in a drooping economy and crapped out job market. Oh, and war... war... war... war... Get used to it. The Bush body count rises daily. It'll be interesting as well to see how the international community responds to the future actions of the current regime. I imagine we'll see some different choices made within the regime, now that reelection is not a concern, they have four years to further their agenda, and they've been allowed to get away with so much blatant disregard to... well, to anything, that they may start now showing us what their big plans are. So, are they going to get away with it for another 4 years? Is our society and the world going to stand for the lies, deceit, the scams, the slaughter? Eh? Are we going to stand up at some point and make these bastards accountable? So what if the fucker got voted in for another term. That just gives us some more time to get our shit together, collect the evidence that is everywhere around us, put all the bastards on trial. Impeach, then hand them off to the international community to be tried for their crimes against the world. Just an idea. time stops::explosions in the sky::how strange, innocence

	2004.10.29  09.34 Hmmmm, I'm pondering dropping my netflix account in favor of an account with GreenCine. I doubt anyone has had a GreenCine account and can tell me the ups and downs with them. I can probably guess. They're smaller, so, the turnaround on movies is probably a bit slower. Everything has to come and go from San Francisco, instead of all my movies being returned to Salem in a day and coming from wherever the hell. They probably don't have as many copies of stuff, so I may find myself waiting on more stuff. Butttt, but. Their selection of indie, cult, foreign, anime, obscure stuff outdoes netflix by a long shot. Their choices of Miike films alone makes me want to switch to see all the ones that are rather obscure in this country. Meh. But I'm so attached to my netflix account and my que of 240 movies waiting to be seen. Oh for independent wealth, the ultimate creative slacker lifestyle, to spend $40 a month on movie accounts and have the free time to blow a couple hours every day or two to watching strange movies. Oh and to have a basement theater with a good sized screen, amazing sound system, handful of couches and recliners, espresso and cocktail bar wouldn't be bad either. Oh the dreams I dream. I really do just want a simple life. No sports cars and private jets. No penthouse suites and gazillion dollar champagne from the navel of supermodels. Just a mid sized house, a few extra rooms, a comfy workspace to create in, a comfy bathtub big enough for my frame to relax in and actually be able to fill up to my chin with water and bubbles. A small recording studio. A small theater. A crazy strange stereo system to allow me to pipe different music at different levels into different rooms of the house. A massive collection of literature, music, and films. A cat door and luxurious little den for my princess. A garden bursting with vegetables, fruits, and flowers galore. And the leisure to enjoy it all. Oh, and perhaps someone to share it with and enjoy it all with me. Perhaps. Dreams... dreams... dreams... Even Fantastica::Flotation Toy Warning::Bluffers Guide To The Flight Deck

	2004.10.28  13.02 Life in these parts plods along in its usual empty handed manner. The skies last night were unusually clear for this part of Oregon at this time of year, long enough to catch the full lunar. Today we resume with cold and cloudy and the imminency of wet weather. I handed over all my "extra" money to the dentist on Monday. Which leaves me annoyed at actually having to ponder if I can afford simple luxuries, much less various items on a list I have for household improvements, much less the growing list of books I would like to read right fucking now. I may have to sell myself to buy books. "Will Fuck For Literature." Mostly as I'm itching to lose myself for a while in the last lengthy installment of Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle. I should have found a way to attain it at its earliest release. As it stands now, the starting line is fast approaching for this year's month long writing sprint. Or is it a marathon? Slamming out 50,000 words in 30 days... sprint, or marathon? It is a short fast effort in the general scheme of novel writing, where some spend years on a single work. But, it is somewhat of a test of endurance and diligence, of setting goals and keeping pace. Either way, Monday it begins, so I don't suppose getting involved in lengthy reading of pretty heavy novular material would be advantageous to the other task of writing. So I guess I'll just wait, and start whining about books again in December. Though truly I think I may be surprised this year. I've found in the past few months that I can knock out 2,000-3,000 words in a few hours tops. Thus, as I've always set my November pace at 2k a day, giving me a leeway of 10,000 words, or 5 days of slackage, I may find it not so time consuming as it could be. That all depends upon inspiration, of course. I knock out 2-3k these days in a bit of a trance state. The tongues of rant culling my emotional soup into lengthy strings of word entrails. And no, I don't have a clue what I'll be writing. Except that it probably won't be sci-fi, or cyberpunk, or cyberotica, or anything that far out this year. Less speculation and more observation? I don't know. At least there should be few distractions this year. Too few possibly. Hopefully the writing will suck me in and serve as my very own distraction. I should probably scrape together the money to stockpile inebriants of the green and sapphire varieties, in case I require quick literary changes of perspective. Work expenses. But, being single, solitary, and secluded should be quite advantageous to the writerly life, right? This is the time, right. You're 25, an aesthetically pleasing number; you're two months out on having been kicked in the nuts by the girl you love. Far enough to think of other things, but not so far that you can yet be distracted by any drive to chase and involve another girl in your life. You live alone, in a house, with no residential neighbors around you. It is getting too cold for outdoor excursion. Time to seal the old windows with plastic; seal yourself in and write. It has been willed. It is a slow time at work. Rather dull a lot of the time. I'll possibly end up writing some at work, which will be a grand distraction. I'm currently pondering many ways in which I may soon change the situation I've generally lived in the past few years. I ponder moving into Eugene, to be where there are people in their 20s, or at least people who are concerned with things outside the 9 to 5. Or at least more ready access to places to hang out, events, etc. If I do this I can either get up earlier to get out here at the same early ass hour. Or, I can bring in more emps and work less myself, mostly do management, and take a part time job in town. Interesting ideas. I'd be giving up the convenience and simplicity of my life out here, and am not really sure what being in Eugene would affect in me. I'm close enough as is to go in when inspired. I just generally lack the inspiration. So, my thinking sometimes runs that if I were already there, I'd go out and about more often. But, I wonder if that is really so. I haven't found any hangouts here that resemble my habitual haunts of days past. The various coffee shops of my underage years in Denton and Seattle. And later, once it was allowed and when desired, at Lou's in Denton. The difference between all those old haunts and the options I have here? Hmmm, ambience? Or just the fact that I would sit in those places for hours on end, consuming caffeinated or alcoholic beverages and reading, writing, doodling, talking, whatever. I guess that has just always been my preferred atmosphere. I should have known better than to take up residence in a place where smokers are practical lepers. When I write, I smoke. Without a thought, without noticing, the deeper into the writing I get the more automatic it becomes. Rheanna tried to tell me recently that in one of her strange psych classes, one of those chemical dependency or sexual dependency or various classes on the million and one ways we as humans malfunction and stray from whatever desired perfection or normalacy some straight suit monkey fucks conceived, fed and the masses believe and strive for... in one of these classes she learned that there is a chemical in cigarettes that reacts with receptors in the brain that normally react to some brain chemical that aids concentration, focus. So, in the smoker, that chemical is artificially introduced via the cigarette, and the natural one isn't produced, or received or whatever. Thus she explains why I smoke like a fiend when I get deep into anything, and how, if I were to quit, my brain would just produce the chemical itself and I'd just be focused, or something. She told me this. I just looked at her. I know better. In other news. The city of Coburg has gone bloody apeshit. There've been stirrings around city hall since last spring. One employee was put on administrative leave, and then the other night there was an executive meeting of the city council where they unanimously voted to fire her. Basically saying she hadn't done her job, and that her lapses had caused this sudden deficit of $230,000 in the city treasury. Yeah, fucking right. At the April meeting, her boss, the city administrator, announced that the budget was balanced, etc etc. This guy was supposedly doing the city admin. job gratis. As in, not getting paid anything extra, besides his 70K salary as chief of police. Oh, and that 50K in overtime he took home as well. Oh, and using the unmarked ford explorer police vehicle thingy for his job as city admin, as well as personal use. There were also whisperings right before the one lady was put on administrative leave that she'd "caught people with their hand in the cookie jar." So, something is afoot, the city is short of money, there's an audit. Apparently the city council looked at presentations for ways in which they could recoup the lost money, ideas presented included new licensing fees on businesses, payroll taxes on businesses, sales taxes, etc. Basically, they fucked up running the city finances, so hey make the money back by taking it from local businesses. Nice. If I fucked up financially running my business, I'd be out of fucking business. But, it doesn't work that way for bureaucracies of course, they just find somewhere to take the money to make up for their fuckups. It'll never fly though. I know I sure as hell am not paying fees and taxes to cover their asses. As it is I'm pondering the logistics of moving my business. Well, basically closing this one and starting a completely new one, in town. This has been a good experience, I've learned a lot, but I can see that it would be a lot more fun and a lot more profitable to do this in a different location. There's not much good coffee in Eugene. Competition in that way wouldn't be tough. The keys would be location and atmosphere of course. It'd be a major endeavor. Higher overhead, a whole 'nother batch of setup costs. A lot more employees to train and lord over. But damn, to run a place open early morning to late into the evening or night... with a younger clientelle, with a cooler setting. With the opportunity and setting to do live music, etc. But, I can hardly imagine going at it alone. Would definitely be nice to do with a partner or two. Perhaps my old espresso slingin' sidekick Christopher will appear out of the ether with some investment capital and a hankerin' to get involved in a crazy scheme. That'd be good, we could reform our band and play at our own venue. Mwahahaa. Oh, the schemes I scheme. Popstar Researching Oblivion::Flotation Toy Warning::Bluffers Guide To The Flight Deck