other than my black electrical tape, today was good. for photo, we went up to Niagra Falls, which was sweet. Kat, Liz, and I went to the Canadian side and had a good time even though it was freezing. Kat even bought me a Sweet Marie, which are lovely candy bars. the only annoying thing is i left with 30$ of my own after giving Kat money for gas and tolls and such, and then somehow i ended up with nothing and i didn't buy anything except one meal. one 10$ meal. i paid for parking at the Falls, which was an acceptable expense, but then at lunch someone underpaid so i took one for the team and made up the difference and left broke, and i'm very upset by it. i hate money issues. but after we ditched the class, the three of us had a rocking good time. Something about how Tom and Simon were acting just made me want to kill them. I don't know. I just had my nerves exposed today i guess, and it's so easy for people to upset me right now and i don't even know why. i think i'm just having a manic depressive day. whatever.

ok. here's the haps, kids. The boys i'm crushing on are named Matt and RJ. Matt is gay and in the gay alliance and likes my boots, but his boyfriend's name is Jeremy, and they're so cute it hurts. The level of cuteness where it literally creates a physical reaction. oy. so cute. and then RJ is a slightly smaller than real life version of John, except instead of liking anime, RJ likes doom metal. *blink* It's odd. but yes. sadly, RJ doesn't dress like John. John dresses with flair and style. RJ dresses like a doom metal fan. *shrug* He's not gay. Or at least, I don't think he's gay. But yeah. I severely doubt any possibility of him being gay. Still. Whenever I see him I think "mmmm so pretty" and "I miss john." i really really miss john because i haven't talked to him online in forever. it makes my heart feel sad.

so i've made john three CDs that i'll give to him when i go back to south dakota to visit, except i'll probably only give him two of them because the third is just me being subtle as a razorblade. fuck me gently with a chainsaw, cuz i'm so sucky at secreting messages in to mix CDs. (fuck me gently with a chainsaw. that's so the best movie ever. i love Veronica.) i need to go think about something else basically. i don't want to be lame. i don't want to be that guy.

so i'm fostering this crush on one of the E-Board members the gay alliance, but I don't know if he' Cody, Brendyn, or Kevin. oops. i don't remember his name, i just remember his face and that he likes my boots. which instantly makes me go "i like you. you're nice and don't think i look stupid and shouldn't be here because i'm not dressed like i bought everything ever sold at the gap." but nothing will ever come of this, because he simply will never really notice me again. though i will do my oh-so-subtle i'm-in-lust-with-you routine, in which i will stare at him until he looks at me and then i will look hurriedly away. whee.

anyway, austin has red hair under a bandana that's covered in random braids and shiny things. and when i say red hair, i don't mean natural red, i mean a violent red that comes in a bottle at hot topic. he wears these loose printed shirts that are vaguely hippy and vaguely asian (fashion culture is fucked up). he's nice. i think i can avoid being attracted to him as long as i talk to other people.

bryan hasn't updated his journal since the 15th. *shakes fist* i'm still upset with him for how we said goodbye.

after food not bombs, carl, peter, rachel and i went out for lunch. which was nice. we had fun and good conversation. then i sat around all day doing nothing. jo, peter, carl, rachel and i played risk 2210, which was fun and interesting and good. i really prefer risk 2210. it's faster and more complex and more interesting than standard risk. but while we were playing, bryan, jayson, and kaitlin stopped by. bryan seemed bored and annoyed, and i'm not going to see him again until i come back for break because he won't be with us tomorrow. i'm going to miss him, and i never took the chances i wanted to take with him. i'm very disappointed in myself. i never tried. i never took the chance. i'm a fucking loser. and i want to talk to bryan. i want to say goodbye, but i don't have the chance now. it's over. he's gone from my life. i hope that we'll be friends next summer. i hope we don't drift. i hope he doesn't secretly hate me. i hope that next summer i actually try with him. because bryan and i are well-suited for each other, at least in my head. i don't know if it would actually work, but i think it would. he's a taurus and i'm a cancer, which is a point in favor of it. we're capable of in-depth conversation as well as surface conversation. i find him incredibly physically attractive. we share similar views, but not the exact same views on everything, so that we still have something to discuss. the theory works so well, but the actual practice would be awkward. also, i'm obsessed with bryan, which makes me a lame-ass loser. i need to learn from this. i need to try and get what i want. i need to find a nice boy at school and ask him to do stuff with me, but in a date way, instead of just a friend way. i need to be explicit about it being a date. i need to be straightforward. i'm scared of doing that, but it's necessary. i'm far too detatched and distant for others to ask me, apparenly.

i don't want to talk about today. i don't want to talk about my friends. i don't want to deal with how i feel right now. i want someone to make out with me. i want to do something mindless.

i desperately want to be rid of brenton, but i haven't been able to meet with him since i've come to this conclusion, and i cannot break up with him over the phone or online. it's rude and cruel. i hate him for making me hate him.

the other day, we went to the lake, we being natalie, her family, jo, bryan and i. we swam, we boated, we body-surfed. the whole day was fun, but every once in a while i would find myself thinking at bryan "look at me. look at me. i'm beautiful and serene and one with the water and beautiful and i'm happy so you should look at me and see that and find me desirable, you fuckwit." and i don't know if he did or not. that night, we went to his house, and he freaked out when the girls started groping him, so i had to wrestle him away from them so he would stop shrieking like a woman, and then we were standing, and he was pushing his back against my hips and i just wanted to hold him against me all night. but no. i'm a wuss, so i won't ever do anything like that. maybe i'll make out with him a little though.

The Hulk is the worst movie ever. it's on so much crack and is three different stories at the same time all thrown together, and it doesn't make sense and it's not good. you know how The Forsaken is a bad, but pretty in some sections, well hulk is like that but worse than the Forsaken. yes, that is possible. the hulk truly is the worst movie ever. but John is wonderful. i adore him. he's tiny and cute and hyper and hugs fiercely, but is scared of touching in any manner. he's so vulnerable, and i don't know what to do with myself when i'm with him. instinct tells me to reach out and fondle him, but then he flinches and i back off. i don't want to scare him, and he's so delicate and scared, like a deer.

natalie broke up with dave. and now she's being natalie again, but i'm tired of her. i'm tired of trying to explain things. i'm tired of having answers. i'm tired of hearing questions. i'm tired and i don't want to deal with her anymore, and then i feel awful. because she's so sweet and befuddled, and i'm her friend. i shouldn't feel like that. i should be happy to answer things for her. i should be happy that i can show her the world and truth and all that shit. but i'm just so tired of philosophizing for her...

i'm defined by people. i am a layer of masks built up to fit with others. i have an amorphous crystal for a soul, and i mold (should that have a u in it? i'm never quite sure about u being in words) myself to people to supply what they need. i'm a symbiote, dependent on others. but what happens when i'm alone. what will happen when i can no longer feed on them, can no longer supply their needs for them. i never say what happens to me, i only talk about my people. because nothing happens to me, in truth. i am unchanged under all my skin, but there is always something different about me. no matter what, i am always changing. i am in flux. i am flux.

i am the Alex. from Charlie's Angels. I am Alex. I am the pretty, smart and talented one. the one that appears flawless, but has no goals. I am the one who can do anything. I am the anchor for the other two. Johanna is the Dylan. Troubled and quick-tempered and constantly falling for the worst possible guy. Carly is the Natalie. She is random, and full of sweetness and light. she is a savant, with incredible talents in some very specific areas. this is why we should have super powers, because we're too lazy to work out enoug to be normal powered super heroes.

"I smell a coma wedding."

today, i babysat Natalie's little brother Will. He's a cool little kid. and he's really good at every video game ever. it was an amusing day. and i earned 50$ because i was with him for 8 hours. he's so polite. it's weird. i wonder if i was that passive when i was 10.

Christine still has my fucking journal and i want it back.

i shaved my goatee off this morning. somehow, it was insanely freeing. except, my chin looks kind of white and creepy. i need to expose it to sunlight once more. of course, without it i look exponentially younger. no one would guess i'm about to turn 19 with how i look. stupid round baby face. blech. some days, i hate how i look. today is one of them. hopefully tomorrow i'll be over it.

the amazing new things i hate about my boyfriend list:
1. he calls gays "the family"
2. he uses eBay and talks about it all the time
3. he tells me he loves me whenever he does anything to make me mad
4. he acts like a stupid drunken whore when he's around his stupid friends
5. he's dumb, and i'm an intellectual fascist. you must be at least as smart as the average person to talk to me
6. he really is trailer trash. and i don't say that lightly. his dad has a mullet, and no one notices
7. he does the hyper-emotional needy routine when i least expect it
8. he whines about money needs all the time
9. he works constantly and expects me to alter my plans at the last minute to fit his schedule
10. he doesn't know who brak is.

i'm thinking i'll break up with him soon. i am a jerk. *thumbs up*

it bothers me when huggies commercials are on cartoon network.

	

	

	

		
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How compatible with me are YOU?

CD Reviews: (don't bother reading. really. i just want to write something. it's very me-oriented and self-involved musical critique. it's useless to people who aren't me, but i like to type.)

Lucky Boys Confusion - Throwing the Game
LBC is a cute punker band with heavy reggae influences. They start off heavy with weird mixing, and then go into their normal punker riffs with Breaking the Rules. there are some light reggae overtones in this one, but nothing obvious. then they completely switch styles with 40/80, an intelligent take on drug laws and the attitudes of your average cop, all to a nice slow reggae. this flows into Fred Astaire, a nice little skizhophrenic love song. this song is very good, but clearly showcases the main problem with this band. They have musical ADHD. Halfway through the song, it feels like they've just changed what song they're playing, but then they slide back into the original song. it's interesting, but not a good habit to go for in most songs. Bossman is an exception to this, they do an excellent job of using their skizho style in this song. it goes from straight rock to an upbeat reggae and back and forth quite fluidly. there's no oddity in the switch, it's very straightforward and one of the best songs on the album. Do You Miss Me is another exemplary song, in a pure punk rock way. it's fastpaced but unlike most punk, the lyrics are both important and intelligible. there's a slight skizho moment in the song, but it's just for a little while, and it's not so dramatically out of place that it does anything. overall, the band pulls off their skizxhophrenic style on pure talent. if any of them weren't pulling through, the whole thing would fail. the overall album is lovely. i really like lucky boys confusion, cuz they're cute intelligent punkers with good politics and good lyrics. somtimes, it feels like a really fucking good mix tape of two seperate bands, but most of the changes are pretty fluid, so i don't mind.

Yatsura - Slain by Yatsura
Yatsura is a raucous experimental rock band. They have a lot of opinions and a little talent. the album doesn't have any bright and shining moments, but it's nice in the same Yoko Ono is nice, but much less refined than Yoko. i love Yoko Ono, and Yatsura is a more modern version of Yoko. basically, these are the songs Yoko would be writing if she were thirty years younger. While I prefer Graham Kemp's vocals to Fergus Lawrie's, both of them contribute a lot to the album as the vocals. however, the bass and the drums are what hold the entire thing together, and keep it from falling apart. Ian and Elaine Graham really hold it all together, because Kemp and Lawrie just aren't as talented as Yoko Ono, and can't pull this off without a really talented rhythm section. also, i bought my copy of this CD from Ernie November's, so it smells like pot and incense.

White Town - Women in Technology
This album is, in the words of Sequoia, "old school cool". It's delicate and sweet and vaguely trance-y. it's very emotionally open, and very pretty. also, it has a nice sense of humor. there's a reason White Town can never be your woman, it's because White Town is a guy.

Ani DiFranco - Little Plastic Castle
This is the first Ani album i ever listened to, and i only actually got myself a copy this past week. oops. it's when she was leaving her rock phase and going into her wind section band phase. it has all the best elements of rock combined with ska, without drifting all the way into being crap-jazz. in my mind this was one of the best albums ani made, and one of the last good albums ani made. To The Teeth was pretty good, but not as perfectly put together as Living in Clip, Dilate, and Little Plastic Castle. After To The Teeth, she went downhill for me. but Little Plastic Castle is beautiful. she uses a horn section without becoming dependent on it. it's a beautiful first step in her experimentation in using a horn section, but where she ended up with it... i disapprove.

ok, i'm going to stop with four reviews. i have more new CDs, but i'm just going to be done.