Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in lilygrrl's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001
10:33 pm	much ado... about absolutely nothing. so i guess that whole drama thing was nothing. er, not nothing but it wasn't that big of a deal. well it is but... not the kind of big deal i was stressing over. i'd think maybe we got a little closer. we just needed some downtime together. that's what i wanted. that's the talk i wanted. but there's always been someone else around. and the alone time we had when i got back didn't last very long. we certainly didn't do much talking. heh. i think maybe i've been pushing us apart lately. but just a little. in order to keep that "just friends" perspective in mind i have to lay off or i'll get sucked back in to my old way of thinking. gotta find my footing again before i move on. i just hope he doesn't think i'm being weird. 'cause i am but i don't want him to think that. i told mah girl we'd have dinner sometime this week if we don't hang out this weekend. that kinda doesn't make any sense. it did. anyway. yeah she's made little comments like, "so are we not gonna talk?" we just haven't had any alone time. like i wanna talk when we can get everything out. no interruptions. no distractions. today was the first time i've seen her since last Thurs. i hope shit works out. i keep forgetting everytime i say, "i just want to be single for a while. i'm tired of getting hurt and hurting people. just be friends." i'm weak. and Rob and i are talking again. i thought he hated me hardcore. i invited him over a while ago and the day he called i was high and we were going somewhere and i told him to call back but didn't realize until later that all he heard were a bunch of guys' voices in the background and it just sounded like i was blowing him off. he was pissed. i didn't hear from him for sooooooo long. i really like rob. another fish. the first fish i have fallen in love with on contact. i must have been insane that day. too be continued... Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: DRiLL.what you are (Comment on this)
Monday, January 22nd, 2001
7:47 pm	dream a little dream....dream of me.... i dream every night. almost everytime i fall asleep, actually, unless i'm like, tired as SHiZZNiT. but i hardly ever remember anything. usually i'll forget the first few seconds i wake up, remember bits and pieces of it as i take mah morning piss, put the pieces together into disorganized chunks by breakfast, and forget everything by noon. but i do usually remember dreams with my friends in them. anyway. i just had this dream. parts of it have significant meaning to me, well kinda. i guess. but my mom has this dream dictionary with like, tons of stuff in it, but nothing i looked up. so the point is....? ok so, we're in someone's apartment. the hallway outside looks like someone's basement, pipes in the ceiling and naked bulbs and cement walls. i got the feeling the building was kinda run down. I'm at this party. i only know 2 people. This girl named Melissa who i think i only saw once, and my friend Jim. most of the people in the party are older than we are, between 20 & 30. At first something happened (i forget what) and i'm like "i'm leaving". the minute i turn around and walk out the door Jim is all like," see? she blah blah blah blah blah blah" my shoes are untied. i suddenly realize i don't know why i'm leaving. so i go back with this smirk on my face, inturrupting his speech saying, "i wouldn't really leave". he stops mid sentence with his finger sort of still up in the air and there's a chuckle from all around the room. then i settled down on this couch next to this guy with a short beard who immediately passes me a bowl. we talk about stuff. i don't bother jim since i know he likes to make his rounds and socialize and i get the feeling i've pissed him off. then we're sitting at this small card table eating dinner but there's like, 12 of us and this huge meal is spread out before us and i'm still sitting next to the same guy and he's saying,"...so they won't allow them in this building." and turn to him kinda confused 'cause i missed what he said and i ask," what, guns?" and he raises an eyebrow and says,"no, children under 8". meanwhile everyone else at the table has grown kinda somber, two guys across from me are talking in low voices about something and this skinny, long-faced lady is sniffing and listening in. then i look around and realize some people are dressed up. kinda like, out of a western. there's this one really big hungarian-looking lady in a red lace dress. i get up to go to the bathroom and the hallway i walk down is the hallway in the house i grew up in and my friend Jim is in the bathroom. he's wearing this cowboy outfit with a ten-gallon hat and those leg thingies that stuck out and made him look bow-legged. there's a sink where my backdoor used to be. i use the sink and pretend not to see him. as i'm drying my hands he comes out of the bathroom and ignores me and walks back to his seat. at one point i thought he was walking backwards 'cause i thought i could see his eyes staring back at me. he walks back to his seat and he definately looks pissed off at me. i walk back to my seat and kinda peek at him through the living room doorway. i was sitting in the kitchen. um after that i woke up. any ideas? i always thought dreams were just shit in your subconscience that your brain just kinda tries to throw together. images you may have only glimpsed or thoughts and fears you harbor. ahhhh... Current Mood: curious Current Music: BABY ANNE.trip the bass (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 20th, 2001
11:03 pm	a new view so i guess i only got hurt in this situation because i expected too much out of it. i forgot we were just friends. but it'd been so long since i felt totally comfy around anyone since aaron and rob. in the beginning it was sooo good. all we did was talk and hang out. he was getting out of a relationship and he still thinks she's a cool chic. even now he goes out of his way to help her. i never hear him talk too much shit about any of his exes. sometimes i think he's even too nice. but that's a good thing, right? i just had the wrong view on us. but it was kinda hard to tell. the time we spent together was better than most relationships i've had. but it wasn't like me and aaron. it was more like me and rob. i guess i just wanted it too much. someone who was my best friend, an awesome lover, and was around enough for me to keep up with. it was obvious he was changing significantly after i got back from christmas break. he broke it down for me that night. i thought maybe he was getting tired of me. but he was really just getting tired of everything. the system, the hassle, the drama. he wasn't trying to push me away. he mentioned i was one of his best friends at GSU. and later on that night, when i woke up freezing, he pulled me into his arms. and so much more. i should have realized even then that nothing was really changing between us. surprisingly, for my confused and distraught state that night and the following morning, i felt i said all the right things. some things were misunderstood, but not too far off. everything was open. he cares. it's his nature. and you can't hide your feelings from him. he's a fish. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: AURORA.ordinary world (Comment on this)
7:11 pm	trippin' down memory lane ....uh....if i make it. i feel like shit. i hate being sick. it's waging war on my emotions too i think. but that doesn't mean i've been wrong in anything i've said. i actually realize the truth of mah own words. neither of us want a relationship. we both just wanted someone to hang with. it's different having a best friend of the opposite sex. like, i know way more guys than i do chics. i grew up with three older brothers and now i'm big sister to a little turd ;] i'm just more comfortable around guys. i'd rather hear, "get me a beer, man" "suck mah nut, bitch. get yr own damn beer." "bring it on, pussy!" "yr just mad 'cause i douched yr mom!" "what? fucker!!" yeah guys are amusing to say the least. most girls are just stupid bitchy hoes. guys are evil, but girls are psycho. i'd take evil any day. most of my best friends growing up were girls, though. i was really shy. painfully shy. i could barely even look my friends in the eye when i talked to them. i spoke so softly and at such a high speed i think most people gave up trying to get anything out of me. in the 5th grade my friends called me the cutdown queen 'cause no matter what the guys said about the girls i always had a comeback. but it was all wasted under my breath. in the 8th grade i got contacts and holy shit, all the guys realized i was a girl. that changed a lot of things. hmmm but that's kind of a different story. anyway. the point of all that was.... the girls i get along with pretty much have the same view as i do about other chics, and don't drive me crazy 90% of the time. i was a big tomboy as a little kid. all the Barbies i got for christmas never left their boxes. i stole my brother's matchbox cars and they didn't play with GI Joes but they had a shitload of Star Wars figures. Legos were the shit. the REAL legos not the crap they put out now where everything comes in sets and themes and they pretty much tell you how to put shit together. i climbed trees and dammed up rivers. i built forts. mah favorite place was my tree house. i wanted to be a spy when i grew up. that kinda shit. i don't think i started to turn girlie until the 9th grade. my school voted me trendsetter one year. that made me laugh. so anyway. i've been cheated on almost 3 times in a row. in hindsight i realize that was proly just the guys i dated, but i know i formed habits of thinking. lol maybe i wasn't girlie enough. i worried that i wasn't good enough. like, when you get cheated on, it's like saying "you weren't good enough so i just went somewhere else. you weren't even worth breaking it off with." maybe that's not really how it is but that's what it feels like. so i really wasn't ready to deal with the bullshit again. i kinda went through a whoring period. after that i just wanted to be totally single. but sometimes you miss havin' someone. even with all the things you hate about it. i moved here my senior year. i went to Lakeside for a semester. failed a required class. last class of the day in a class that back home would have been for seniors but here it was for sophomores. nothing but preps. went to Open Campus for the next semester. flew through. got more high going to school than i did on the weekends. graduated. Then my best friend from here moved away. Aaron was my right half. in the short time we hung out with eachother we went through a lot of shit. i went to my first party with him. we rolled for the first time together, the first drug he ever tried. we'd bust out singing the same song at the same time and jinx eachother constantly. like why talk? just think. we had deep convos about exit sign conspiracies and floor tiles. i think Joe quit talking to me because his girlfriend thought there was something going on between us. Shaun got fired from Post Park. everybody just went away. then i started goin to GSU. i meet new kidz almost everyday. there's a plethora of hotties and tarts. it's pure torture. let's see, go to class? or stare at you? or you? hey could you uh, turn around and um, bend over? i'm really happy with all the people i've met. they're awesome kidz. i'll be back. Current Mood: sick Current Music: DJ STOMPY.magic moments (Comment on this)
Friday, January 19th, 2001
8:05 pm	grrrr.. so i wonder if i've been wasting feelings again. wasting time. all because i only saw what i wanted to. and who did i hurt trying to take the easy way of getting what i want? *DJ ODI.all fucked up* i think i've hurt mah girl more than i know. another selfish act. i didn't ask how she felt about the things that happened. or if i did i didn't try to find out how she really felt. i believed the things she said that were only half true, the things she said to hide her true feelings. didn't acknowledge the things she wasn't telling me. didn't want to push her. maybe i should have. maybe i just wanted to believe everything wuz ok. there were so many things about our situation that were new to me. i didn't know how to handle what i created. there was no way it couldn't end badly. i was scared about the whole thing. so i just let it go. i figured i couldn't make any better decisions than what would happen naturally. i feel like i cared but my actions say i didn't. *CRYSTAL METHOD.comin' back (club69&thelightssoutherngritmixes;)* i'm tired of being hurt. at least half of it is always my fault. maybe even most of it. why do i use up so much energy chasing after something that's so elusive and unstable? *someone* said that love is one of the strongest emotions you can have for a person. but people use it to bond another person to them. people come in different categories. the people you interact with because you have to, the people who are acquaintances, the people you like, and people you love. the rest of it i forget because it all became a huge muddle puddle. i agreed with him that love is one of the strongest emotions you could have for someone, but after that our ideas parted. to me there are many different kinds of love, and it's not just limited to people. and it's all about sharing. sharing yourself, your dreams and fears, sharing the things you have and the things you know, to help others and put a smile on their face. sharing ideas. support to keep living. 'cause shit gets crazy. i tell my best friends i love them. like, i believe we have a connection on certain levels. we're different kidz but we're alike in so many ways, we're going through the same shit. and even if we're not you understand or at least try to understand where i'm coming from. you put up with 90% of my shit and we've been through a lot together. could you not develop feelings for a person you spend a lot of time with and enjoy being around? *SNEAKER PiMPS.spin spin sugar(moby remix)* so what happens if you fall apart? one or both of you change and don't actively connect anymore? or you still connect based on things in your past but your views have changed? do you still feel the same? do you still love that person? can you really say you love someone if later on down the road you feel like you don't anymore? then how do you know if you ever really love anyone? isn't it s'pose to be eternal? love is a universal. everyone knows what it is but we all have different definitions for it. *LESS THAN JAKE.teenager in love* i think i ride too much on my feelings. and i analyze the shit out of everything. what do you think all this <- ^ -> shit is?? i'm also a very affectionate person. i guess part of that is in my nature, the way i was brought up. but i have my dark side just like anybody. i won't deny that. i give out a lot of hugs. i smile most of the time. how many times have these things made you feel better? to get a hug or a smile? is it wrong? does it give you hope? what keeps you going? *HOMEGROWN.she said* so does it all sound like weak bullshit? does it sound like i'm trying to feel sorry for myself? i'm just trying to hash things out in my head. it makes less sense written down. and all i can come up with is more questions. grrrrrr.... Current Mood: sad Current Music: *the crying list* (Comment on this)
12:45 pm	so...? so i got my one-on-one talk last night. it wasn't what i expected and later turned into what i wanted but wasn't exactly pleasant because suddenly so much had changed. anyone else confused yet?!? and maybe nothing's changed but my perspective. i was so far off in my way of thinking but always suspected the truth. i guess i let selfishness blind me too often. why do we pursue what we think we want instead of what we do want? maybe we fuck up getting the things we want because we think this way. and is it cowardly to think that our emotions get in the way? is man not an emotional creature? but for those of you who don't believe so, then it's just an easy excuse for being weak. so the night started off all good until i upset mah girl and she left, i found out something about her and mah boy that i had expected to happen from the start, and saw deeper into the soul of mah little fish than i ever thought he'd let me. i spent the rest of the night listening to the distant soulful flow of his thoughts and trying not to drown in my emotions, a breath away from crying. maybe it is all drama, but is there any other way to explain/express how you feel? or have we trained ourselves to be so ridiculously "feeling dependent"? does it make us feel the slightest bit better to have an excuse to fall back on? a reason for being selfish, to follow our dreams, to hurt other people, to make us feel better about putting on a show and making people believe we give a fuck to get what we want...oops same thing right? i'm not bitter i'm just making an argument. i'm not really sure what i think. well i am, but it's inside somewhere. it's right next to that really dark place that i've seen enough of to almost hate myself. my view is actually quite opposite. more wishful and romantic than anywhere close to the truth. i'm gonna come back and read this later and think i've stumbled onto someone else's shit. a sissy psycho, or some 12-yr-old trying too hard to be cool. grrrr... there's so much. i actually feel like i've learned a lot this past year or so. i learned a lot and know so much less now. would you rather be dumb and happy or smart and put up with all the shit you do now? is it really better the more you know? if humans only use a fraction of their brain would it be worse to use even less of it and be supremely happy? our problems are caused by other people (unless we're wild men, isn't this ^ what shapes us?). but there's so many of us. we think we need each other. true i would concede that we learn things from each other that we couldn't from being alone. but through our interaction we cause all kinds of trouble. is it worth it? true there are people out there with good intentions who'd only like to help everyone else and just get along, shit that's everybody. but the way we've evolved and developed our system of living together(and maybe our(?) instinct(?) to look out for number 1 carries some weight), society is a river full of crocodiles, piranhas, and every other mean thing you could think of. if you wanna make it to the other side and survive you will step on whoever whatever to get there. and maybe you'll push that fat bitch back under for elbowing you in the jaw and knocking you down. she certainly doesn't deserve to be better off than YOU, does she? and she wasn't even nice about it. that's not fair. besides with more stupid people to step on it'll be easier to get to the other side. so bring on the fat bitches... so what about what's laying at the bottom of the river? who are they? stupid happy dead people? happy in what way? because they knew little about the world? didn't know how much there could be to fear? didn't want after their desires? because they gave in to their emotions? because they realized it wasn't worth it? there was really no escape? because they'd much rather rest in peace knowing themselves than wear themselves out and waste time knowing there's only a slimmest of the slim chance they'll ever get what they think they want? aren't we all fucked up? could we say poor people are envious of the rich for their money and luxury and their happiness? rich people are often burdened by the stresses of their money and status and as a result suffer family and mental problems. so, poor and emotionally supported or rich and alone? do you think you'd succeed better if you had no one to drag you down? just you on your own? the one person with the master plan, your own boss, and the only person to be guilty for all the people you're gonna step on. the only thing standing in your way is what other people think about you and that doesn't really matter, does it? ...what are you thinking? what would your best friend think? what would yr parents think? what about that homeless guy? what about the guy we elected for president? now who cares about what they think what would they SAY? what do you believe? and what do you act on? *ow* mah head hurts. i got way off the subject. lol i'm not surprised i guess. wouldn't expect it any other way. is it ok to act crazy if that's how you really feel? yr best friend wouldn't care because that's why they like you, you're as crazy as they are. but be careful, the rest of society might deem you a hazard and lock you up with the same people who have really done some dangerous things. who's more dangerous, the people inside or outside the prison? people lock the killers and psychos away because those are the people who really know what's up. sick of the system and feeling trapped. at some point they fell behind the screen we've all put up. why do you think people go crazy? is it really solely that person's fault? do you blame yourself for the way you are? should you? damn, off the subject again. ug, i hang my head in defeat. i'll be back another day. same lily-thought, same lily-ramble. Current Mood: confused Current Music: AK1200.drowning (1 Comment | Comment on this)