Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jacqueline's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
3:22 pm	I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. I always thought I'd end up with an intelligent, long haired, tall guy. Yeah I know you can't really go looking for an exact type of person or be shallow about it, but I ended up with someone totally different. He's not over 6 ft, he's not stupid, but he's not up to speed let's say, well not all the time, he went through some pretty near death shit so I'm not gonna complain about that cause it's not like he's a retard or anything, but he also really doesn't have anything to offer me, not in a materialistic way, but in a wisdom way I guess you could say. That bothers me. He's good with EVERYTHING else. He's also doesn't look like how I pictured him, and he's not very outgoing. But there is DEFINITELY something about him... I don't know what it is. I think it's that he's genuine. At first things were a little shaky, but that's cause we were in la-la land, and I didn't see it coming. Yeah, he was a real asshole at first, but without realizing it, but he was REALLY fucked up. After I dumped him the first time, I really shoulda just left it at that, but I couldn't. I guess everyone makes mistakes, and it was time I started forgiving people for not being perfect, I'm still not gonna let the fuckers walk all over me, but I won't be so harsh... to SOME. Others can go fuck themselves. I really feel different. I'm actually with someone I like, who I REALLY like, and I didn't lose myself in him. The last person I was seriously with, I COMPLETELY lost myself in them and I hated myself for allowing that to happen, so it's good I guess that I can sort of balance it out now. I haven't been this happy with someone since my first boyfriend. Kinda funny... they both were people I least expected to be with, yet they were the ones I was most happy with. I wasn't even as happy with my "ideal" guys, long hair, etc. But these two, they'll always be the ones I'll never forget, I guess that's good. They have some alike qualities, weird. I've started putting alot of things together with myself. I'm trying to break alotta old habits, which is working and I'm doing really good with. I'm still waiting for a store to be transferred to, I don't think my boss wants to get rid of me right away since we've lost alotta managers already and might only be losing more. But I was thinking: then what? What happens after I'm a manager. Ok, then I'll have my store and I'll be a manager. What next? I always gotta be moving up... but there's no where for me to go after that, other than this place I have no prior experience, no college, I don't know all the corporate financial stuff with percentages of this and that and flex this and that, it's complicated for me. So I don't ever see myself in a corporate position there, besides, would I really wanna be THAT tied in to a corporation? OH NO, WE'RE ONLY MAKING 500 MILLION A YEAR INSTEAD OF 700 MILLION A YEAR!!! WHAT ARE WE TO DO?!?! nahhh... I wouldn't be able to be so involved with something like that. I mean, I try to keep all fairness and everything on both ends, you can't do that the higher up you go, and I don't like fucking people over. I DO have a conscience occassionally ya know. Well, off to the organ grinder. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: my head plummetting into the keyboard.. aaghh (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
8:28 pm	rage against the machines... Joey and myself signed up for memberships at a gym earlier this week. We started going this week, so far twice, and it's great. You sweat alot, you change in front of a ton of girls, and it's damn small. Not to mention the machines there hate me. We don't have orientation until Saturday, and we realized we don't really know how to use the majority of machinery there, which is what we figured out orientation is for, we're just a couple of rocket scientists over here. Anywho, Joey got sick of the exercise bike, and so was I. Her ass was hurting and I was getting nervous that I was gonna fall off sideways or something, cause I'm beyond paranoid and think of the worst possible thing that could happen in every situation, erego my paranoia. So she dragged me over to the MANUAL treadmills. I figured manual meant that you picked the speed depending on how fast you walked or ran on the sucka. It turns out I was right. The only thing I wasn't aware of was that people sometimes SLOPE the damn machines. Yup, guess who was the lucky one to find that out the hard way? Me. Of course. So I put my foot on it, and then the other one, and started moving very quickly, so then I tried keeping up with the like 40 MILE PER HOUR speed it was driving me off at! I busted my ass in front of everyone and spilled my water all over the damn machine, of course the part where you're supposed to run on. The lady who works there, who doesn't seem like she really likes us, came over to me-most likely making sure I didn't break anything, on the machine that is. So it turns out some crazy moron ahead of me had sloped the damn machine and turned the speed up fast of the incline or some shit. How the hell am I supposed to know? Oh right, orientation. So there I was feeling like the biggest dork ever in my nasty sweat pants which made me feel like I was back in Junior High School. What a fucking day. Then when I was actually doing the treadmill, you could hear this squeaking noise, which was me trying to walk on the water I had spilled all over it. The electric ones were alot easier. But the second day when I went and got on the second one, I made an ass out of myself again. I didn't fall this time. Instead, after about a lil more than a half hour of being on the treadmill, I decided to read the instructions on how to get off, cause I'm soooo smart that I forgot to take a look at what I was getting myself into before I got on the damned thing. It said that you were supposed to put your legs on the side of the treadmill before stopping it. I figured to be smart enough to not just press the start button right away. So I decreased the speed and figured now that it was slower, it was the perfect time to put my feet on the side of the treadmill so I could stop it and then get off. Well... silly me to think anything could be easy in that place. I put my left leg on, and I apparently still felt the movement of the treadmill, cause I thought I missed and still had my foot on cause I felt my leg still moving. I ALMOST fell. But it turns out, when you're new at this stuff, it makes it nearly impossible to walk afterwards when you first start this shit. Damnit. It feels like my legs are gonna fall off at that damned place. I like the weight machines. They fucking hurt my arms afterwards, but I ATLEAST remember how to use most of them from when I used to have weight lifting classes in high school. We have these free trial passes for our friends to come with us, but they're all lazy fucks. I think Marge is gonna come, other than her, everyone wants to stay a fat, lazy ass, that's fine with me. I've found my enemy in a plant. My grandmother has recently began nurturing one of her Christmas presents-a damned plant that is in the shape of antlers. It's as if it's just there taunting me, staring at me. Crrrrazy. I know. Crrrrazy plant. Heard it from another room Eyes were waking up, just to fall asleep Love's like suicide. Dazed out in a garden bed With a broken neck, lays my broken gift Just like suicide. You're my last ditch With my last brick Lent to finish her Ohh to finish her She lived like a murder How she'd fly so sweetly She lived like a murder but she died Just like suicide. Bit down on the bullet now I had a taste so sour Had to think of something sweet Love's like suicide. Safe outside my gilded cage With an ounce of pain I weild a ton of rage Just like suicide. With eyes of blood And bitter blue How I feel for you I feel for you She lived like a murder How she'd fly so sweetly She lived like a murder But she died Just like suicide. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Chris Cornell singing Just Like Suicide (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
11:22 pm	in a gadda da vida, baby Damn my hands are freezing. I'm kinda in a good mood today. Even though I know I'll ultimately probably end up in the middle of a swamp somewhere picking shrooms of off moldy shrubbery when I'm older and having people calling me "fin", I have some actual goals and plans for myself. Why in fact, I think the only person who really believes I might be able to accomplish these is Evil Marge. Cause she has dreams for herself as well. Yes I know scary isn't it, we both want to amount to something. And we're gonna try doing it together. It's a lotta "slash" businesses though. Like porn star/hooker - but not either one of those surprisingly. Maybe we'll be able to do it, maybe we won't, but atleast I know we're gonna try and it's gonna be alot more fulfilling than watching tv, talking to rejects online or just sitting around doing nothing. But oh yes, I plan on this multi-business thing PLUS still saving the rainforests, or atleast what's left of them. Especially after seeing movies like Core. That's some crazy shit, it was worse than Apocalypse. It's been a David Bowie/Eagles kinda day for me. I don't get them to often but it makes me feel like I'm in the 60's and a guy named Tom and Jimmy are gonna come up to my door in leather jackets and bandanas and bring some 6 packs of Moose beer with them and talk about "chicks" and bikes. Yup, it's been one of THOSE days- 'Flashback to a time when I wasn't even born yet' days. My hands are turning numb. I found Endorfun, the PC game, no one other than Evil Marge and myself have ever heard of that I think. She actually had it, and it had crazy trippy colors and shit, and I wanted it but she wouldn't let me rob her of it. Now it's gone, bitch. heh. But I got it on ebay today cause I love the corny lil puzzle games. I got intelligent qube also for 80 bucks on ebay, yeah, THAT'S a little crazy. But my , well, someone got it for me. I've always felt like I was born too late. I think I should been born in the 50's, maybe mid 40's so that I coulda lived my teenage years in the 60's, been a hippy, done the psychadelics and free love stuff... and then skipped the 70's except for like maybe one year that I woulda just completely spent in Studio 54, and then jumped ahead to live out the rest of my early 20's, maybe late teens, in the 80's... and then jump again to maybe the year 3000 when everything's all crazy and Jetson's like and go live on Mars or something. That would be a great life. On another note, I'm looking for alternative style weddings-no not gay ones- but alternative to ones requiring a marriage license or anything having to do with "god". If I was wiccan or practiced satanism I could always have a high priestess do it, but I'm neither so there goes that. I don't really need a ceremony, but I would need some sort of something to represent that milestone in my life. Maybe we'll just all get around and praise the shrooms and kegs. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Billy Idol - Rebel Yell (Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
11:39 pm	I never thought life would ever be this boring. For some reason, nothing interesting is ever happening to me, nothing fun is ever going on. It's so... bland and incredibly dull. The only excitement I get is when I pick fights with 6ft, 400lb retarded homeless fucks outside my store who are begging people for spare change and talking to themselves. I wouldn't of picked a fight with him if he was a NICE bum, but this bum was a nasty fucker who, did I mention was retarded?, I wasn't too KEEN on. All the ex's have been contacting me. It's like I'll be talking to ALL of them, except for that one. That one right now is the one I actually did wanna keep in touch with cause he was a good friend, atleast I thought so, I dunno what happened why he's avoiding me. Am I really all that bad?? Well, I'm sure he has some sort of reasons, but of course is never going to tell me, cause that's just how he is. Faye is trying to live her life in my footsteps. Damnit, is nothing sacred? Insubordinate fool! We're getting rid of some fellow managers at my store and replacing them with new ones. Good. Not that the new ones are any better or anything. We're trading a hindu for a greek, not that much of a difference. They're both cocky fools who don't know too much. I am still the SUPREME ruler there. My own store, wow. I never really took into consideration the possibility of running one all on my own. I actually hate companies, but it might be interesting to run a little chunk of one all on my very own. Well I got company waiting for me so I'm gonna jet. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Leaving on a Jet Plane (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
11:32 pm	Just Call Me MASTER, Everyone Else Does. Visiting people I know while they're working, or accidentally bumping into someone I used to know in a store while they're working is one of the weirdest trips to the twilight zone I've ever taken. Just think about this for a moment... you know this wild and crazy person (usually), or this person who used to live on all sorts of drugs, or someone with a same-gender preference... and you talk to them, and they got all these crazy ideas, crazy lifestyles, crazy in bed... etc.. you get the point... next thing you know, you see this person in the work place. You no longer know this nymphomatic drug fiend you call "friend", now, this person is a trained moduled drone to do a specific task or job. There they go, off to their blank or else fake smiled apparatus of a 'self'. If you catch them at the right times, they seem like bio-engineered, computer generated drones. It's kinda scary sometimes. And then I realized, I AM one of those people who tries shaping people to be like that, well... I don't actually, but that's what I'm really supposed to be doing. I can't succumb to doing that really though. Instead I just recruit co-workers and friends alike as followers and disciples of yours truly and have them at the level as to where, when I snap my fingers, they jump up and do as I say. But I don't like to use the word drones since it's usually for my own personal reasons. I prefer the terminology "disciple", used as in the cult sense of the word. Yes that's right, I too, can have my own cult. I think I will take to the sewers of new york, or the deserts of tucson for my recruits. What happy times these are when you can make an entrepeneurship out of occultism. :) I should write a book ... "Now, You TOO Can Be A Cult Leader!". I have my goals set and my dreams high. I'm all set. By the way... I am now another year older... my birthday was january 1st, so all yous who didn't remember, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.... muwahahha.. just remember that suckas. ;) Current Mood: pleased Current Music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras ; NiN - Sin (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 11th, 2003
10:07 pm	I own faye I have disciples and followers now, faye is one out of two of my "main lacky's". She's building a house of worship for all my many disciples. t o x i c a t ed (10:01:35 PM): AAGHAHHH t o x i c a t ed (10:01:53 PM): where's my house of worship your skank ass was supposed to build for me? LucidH8 (10:03:06 PM): it's on yer porch LucidH8 (10:03:08 PM): ;p t o x i c a t ed (10:03:25 PM): BUILD AND YE SHALL WORHSIP LucidH8 (10:04:39 PM): i did LucidH8 (10:04:56 PM): i even paid homage in beer t o x i c a t ed (10:04:58 PM): I THINK YOU"RE THE CREAM OF THE CRAP LucidH8 (10:05:15 PM): now now t o x i c a t ed (10:05:33 PM): DON'T TRY TO CALM THE WILD BEAST, CHILD LucidH8 (10:08:05 PM): eww jacqui LucidH8 (10:08:15 PM): i told you i'm not into that kinky shit t o x i c a t ed (10:11:36 PM): BUT YOU TOLD ME OTHERWISE t o x i c a t ed (10:11:42 PM): HOE OF THE BAGS Current Mood: chipper Current Music: NiN - We're In This Together Now (Comment on this)
1:36 am	on the road again, can't remember why I'm on the road again Marge is back in town, she's the same, but in a different way. We started hanging out again... crrrrrazy. Guys are starting to come outta the woodworks again like hungry lil termites. I B PIMPIN ... that's what my license plates are going to say if no one already gots em, I'm sure someone has 'em already, but that's alrighty, I got some crazy alternatives. BOINKING ... just like that mofo. I'm burning a CD to boink to now, it's gonna be one of the top sellers in all the stores... ohhhhh yeahhhhh. Well, work sucks, got into a fight with my boss, definitely not one of the best things to have done, but I did it anyway. So now, I'm trying to get promoted faster so that I get transferred and I won't have to work with him anymore, but who knows where the fuck I'm gonna end up after this place, I'll probably get fuct and get some really shitty place considering my luck. Also lately... I BE PIMPIN' ... big time hustla'... ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Me and Marge also added a few new words to our vocab. We stole SASSY from someone, but from now on, y'all are either GALACTIC or your not, which means you fall into the category of LINEAGE ... FOOLS. Current Mood: I'M FEELIN' SASSY Current Music: my boinkin' cd (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 26th, 2003
5:30 pm	HEEEEELP ME! that's all-goodnight. Oh yeah, and my vacation started,yay. I have absolutely nothing to do. The exception being the Danzig concert in California for Halloween... but NO ONE WANTS TO COME with me to California for two weeks... how lame is that? If everyone wants to just ROT at home, then so-be-it. As for ME, I'm gonna try to doing anything BUT the reg. I need to be drunk every day... today was my sleep day... enough sleep today for two weeks of staying up... yay again. I have a camera, I'm going to take pictures of homeless racoons boinking, now THAT'S art. Current Mood: im'a feelin' STUPID Current Music: homegrown - single all the way (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 10th, 2003
7:51 pm	October 5th was Izzy's birthday... he was at the vet's, wasn't looking so good. I know alotta people think it's a joke to care about pets, well I think it's a joke to care about people, so fuck them. I hadn't seen him in awhile cause my uncle's kept them at his house, since I don't really have a permanent place to live and they're not allowed where I'm at now, I couldn't of taken them. I only saw them once in like 2 or 3 years. Of course I wanted to see them, almost every weekend for 3 years I tried making time. It never worked out, I expected them to be around forever. I went on Saturday with my uncle (oct. 4th) to the vet with him, that's when they decided to keep him for a few days... his birthday was on sunday, and then monday came... and they said it looked like kidney failure. Tuesday rolled around, and it was definitely kidney failure, and he got alot worse. That was the last time I ever saw him. I dropped all my plans to go see him, before they put him to sleep. They said there was no way to "fix" him, and by keeping him alive on an IV and meds, the toxins from his kidneys was just filling up inside his body. I hated that I had to say goodbye to him for the last time, I had to fucking sedate MYSELF for it cause him and my other cat were just like my kids in a way, they were the only ones I ever looked forward to seeing, the only ones on the planet I ever actually missed and felt guilty about. But then again, they were the only ones who were always there for me to hold when I'd be upset and felt like there was nothing left for me. I had to take some pills to make me sleepy, and then some pills to kill the pain. On the way there they kicked in, and I had the whole scenario of my cat in my head, and it was like a dream, and it stopped the crying, a LITTLE bit. But since I've had work, I haven't been able to really throw back that much shit to make me stop feeling everything going on around me. I couldn't stop crying since Saturday, I still can't as a matter of fact. I can't believe he's gone, I really can't. I never got to see him except at the end... and I'll never get to see him again. One of the women at work was trying to tell me there was nothing I could do and it had to be done. I'm not a fucking idiot, that much I know, I just didn't WANT it to happen, and I couldn't handle it. I asked her how she would feel if she had to choose death for her son an say goodbye to him right before he died, I think she got the picture. I couldn't stay in the room when they gave him the shot, I just couldn't. I wonder how he felt? I hate this so much. Atleast I don't have work tomorrow. I'm kinda sick too now, I've been getting sick since wednesday, so I'm gonna take some shit, pass out, and hope soon everything will get better. Right now, there's too much shit going on in my mind to deal with any of it at all. Last night, was at the woods, bonfire manufactured by paul, brought 2 of his friends, I went with Joey and Jen, beer... mmmmm ... beeer...aghuhguhahu :::homer gurgle::: it'd be a louder gurgle if it were CCCCCRRRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZYYYY HORSE I was talkin' 'bout, nigs. Oh well. It felt good to piss on mother nature again, just like the good ol' days. Paul's a fuckin' raver HA! Ok... back to solitary for tonight. Shrooms... no shrooms :(. Damn people falling through... WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO WHEN YOU CAN'T GET SHROOMS ON THE REG?!??!!?! Goddamn community. Current Mood: feelin inbetween.personalities Current Music: A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 5th, 2003
11:20 pm	I knew it, just when things were flying up, they come CRASHING down on a bed of rusty nails. I've tried for a long time not to let things get to me, and it works for the most part. But now, now I can't anymore. I can't just take the blows and keep myself miraculously still standing without so much as a hair out of place. I've taken too many blows in too short a time, too much plummeting down, and not enough of rising above the shit. With everything I do, nothing's ever enough for people. I fucking kill myself just to keep myself and the people close to me sane. I can't fucking do it anymore, I can't give anymore advice, I can't apologize for the way I am. Like I've said to people before... THIS IS ME, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, I'M NOT FUCKING HOLDING A GUN TO YOUR HEAD TO KEEP TALKING TO ME, just walk away if you can't take it or you don't like it, just walk away. People aren't ones for taking advice. Lately... I get that walls-closing-in feeling again, I hate that feeling. It makes me feel like a rat about to be stepped on by Billy Bob the third. Right now, there's no one rooting for me BUT me. And that's alright, the odds against me is JUST the way I like it. I'm better off talking to myself anyways, they're some of the best conversations I ever had, well... the finger puppets and shadow puppets, they always cheer me up. :] heh Danzig is coming up soon... I'll do ANYTHING to go to that concert. I know it's in Connecticut, but like for the Misfits show... I will bribe and pimp myself ALL THE WAY THERE if I have to!! It's well fucking worth it. I'm taking my vacation from work for two weeks... I know no one's gonna do anything. I just wanted to go on ONE LITTLE killing spree across the country... is that too much to ask for?!?! I didn't think so. I really wonder what it would be like to just get up and leave for good in the middle of the night. If I was ever to leave here that's how I'd do it, the INCOGNITO way! No bite marks for remembrance, no "KEEP IN TOUCH!"'s ... those are the worst. I never know what to do with that. If you do keep in touch, there's never anything to say, and finally when you have something to say, it's like years after and they're either dead or gone or some crazy shit like working on the bottom of the ocean with killer coral. I dunno. I'm trying to cheer myself up, yar matey. Alrighty, I'm gonna go out for a walk or something. Sha-roomies on wednesday!!! YAY!!!!! There... THAT did it. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: green day - platypus(i hate you);radiohead - creep;NIN-HURT (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 21st, 2003
11:55 pm	L'amours Went to L'amours last night. Saw Lacuna Coil FINALLY and Type O Negative who WEREN'T bad to see this time. I didn't fall asleep(due to EXTREME boredom) in the mosh pit , or what was supposed to be a mosh pit like, like last time when I saw them. Lacuna Coil was great, oh man ... they possess such amazing voices and great fucking lyrics. I may of hated every last thing about the actual place itself, but I loved the show. I dunno what the fuck happened to me (not alcohol this time!) but I passed out, literally. It was pretty crowded, and all of a sudden, I couldn't hear anything anymore and I was starting to lose my vision, everything was turning black. I felt like I was fighting myself just to stand up and keep my head together. Next thing I knew, blackness. I felt nothing, I thought nothing, there was just... nothing. At some point I felt jabbing into me, I suppose that was either people kicking me cause they didn't see, or my friend trying to pick me up. All I remember was I started feeling the jabs, and then the reality of gravity was kicking in cause all of a sudden I felt low. I guess that's what it's like when you actually have the opportunity to die somewhat hesitantly. I was pretty fucking scared. I finally started getting small bits of vision back, almost like pixels. The first thing I saw was my friend's friend standing over me asking if I was alright, and then all of a sudden I was back on my feet. I guess Chris picked me up or something. But I didn't even know I fell. I dunno what happened. So I guess that means I was unconscious for a minute. I dunno how I was able to come back. I guess that my body's like a car. That was it stalling cause I was driving it around too much. So it stalled a little, and then started up again outta nowhere without warning. That's not the first time I passed out. But the first time I had the flu and was drinking and was at a concert, so that was my own fault... but this time, I dunno what the fuck happened. Oh well. Great show. Fuck me. Still.. NOTHING this year tops the MISFITS at FIENDFEST this summer... hell yeah. Current Mood: weird Current Music: Korn - Did My Time (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 14th, 2003
12:39 am	topsy turvy All at once it hit me tonight. It's been slowly creeping into the corners of my mind, but tonight it finally hit me. It's like a tornado of all these feelings and thoughts and a shower of sadness. I'm pretty sure it's due to a lack of alcohol, but even if I do supress it with alcohol, the fact is that I KNOW these feelings and such exist inside my head. And I'm not gonna be able to forget all this. I can't even put everything into words. There's so much stuff going on inside of me and no one to release it to, it doesn't sit too well conjuring inside of my soul. I wish I could just empty out my head and my life and start from scratch. I kinda see why people say "you only got one life" it's pretty fucking obvious, but you never REALLY think about how much those few simple words actually mean. It means, "dude... You got ONE fucking life to do everything as close to right as possible... don't fuck up!! There's no do-overs here, yo." And it all makes perfect sense... it's the ONLY thing that makes sense as a matter of fact. Ok... I went to the funeral last night. Damn, my grandparents, uncle, aunt, asshole cousin and his girlfriend were there. Also one of my uncle's old biker friends showed up, the one who's gonna end up dying from diabetes cause every couple of months they keep cutting off more and more of his feet. That's something I REALLY don't wanna be thinking of now. Anyways, of course it was me crying and sobbing, not hysterically because I REALLY WAS trying to compose myself. The memorial thing was held at this funeral parlor on Northern Blvd in Jackson Heights, not too far from where Castle Heights used to be. My uncle put pictures up on those boards of rememberance or whatever they like to call them. They were all old, one of them was me when I was 4 years old sitting on his lap during one of the parties. I love my uncle's friends, they feel like the uncles I ... well ... like the one I already had, just multiplied. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes (Comment on this)
Friday, September 12th, 2003
9:17 pm	let the good times roll This was my only day off of work today so I spent it at home for lack of anything else to do. I had just gotten up when I heard that John Ritter and Johnny Cash died. An actor and a singer. Welp, it happens all the time, this time it just happened to be a dude from a show I used to watch and another dude my Uncle listens to, or some old schmoe decides to play from a jukebox at a bar. Well I was at my computer and I got this phone call from this woman. She was asking to speak to my Uncle but she used his whole name, so I figured it was like one of those telemarketing thingies. So I was about to hang up in her ear. But then she said how she was John Bolger's sister. It was then I had realized I knew that name, I knew it quite well in fact. That was the guy who my uncle, aunt, and mom grew up with... not to mention I always used to see him at our family parties and shit. Not to mention my uncle would take me to hang out with them when they went drinking once or twice when I was younger. Basically, we all knew him pretty well. The last couple years though, he was severely depressed, an alcoholic, rehabs didn't work, never came to parties anymore, and was disassociating himself from everyone. The last time my uncle spoke to him was for labor day to try and get him to come over. The dude was depressed, no one even knew if he had a job anymore and he disconnected his phone finally. Well... it turns out she identified herself as his sister. I gave her my uncle's number, and she told me that John passed away. He was "Johnny B", but now dead. And I couldn't believe I had received "THE" phone call. I never received one of those before where I was first to find out from the source, and it was kinda eerie listening to the woman try to keep it together on the other line just long enough to inform me and get his number. I told my grandmother, and called my uncle on his cell, he was driving home and I felt bad that I hadn't waited to tell him. Of course after crying to my grandmother he went straighr to the bar, which is something I had wanted to do. But instead I stuck around as my grandmother made all the calls. She called my aunt, and, I dunno why, but she shoved the phone in my ear so I could hear my aunt wailing on the other end. I never really heard her like that before, and I never heard my uncle get so upset. My grandmother could barely keep up her composure, and I've seen her cry before when people died and I've heard her voice get upset, but I never heard her sobbing so much she couldn't even speak. Everytime I cry, it's cause I hear my aunt's voice wailing in my ear, that's gonna stick with me. When my uncle got in touch with John's sister, she had told him they weren't sure of the cause of death yet. It turns out, neighbors had called the cops because a foul odor was coming from his apartment. He had been lying in his bed dead, and decomposing for a good week. They just found him yesterday and were getting the autopsy done today. They should have the results soon and then my uncle's gonna let us know when she calls him back. We're all going to the funeral. I even called 'my mom' and told her. Well yeah, so I gotta go kick back a few beers tonight if I expect myself to get through the rest of the weekend. I'm gone... Current Mood: shocked Current Music: Metallica - Wherever I May Roam, Unforgiven (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2003
12:42 am	it's SHARING TIME Turn her over A candle is lit, I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me Curse me sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over Called her over and asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here Hex me told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say "Some things you lose and some things you just give away" Scold me failed her If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me Watch me lose her It's almost like losing myself Give her my soul and let them take somebody else get away from me Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over all over me -Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes I love Toad's Place... I love strange strangers... I love being intoxicated... I love being in control... I love losing control... I love hating everything... I love questioning everything... and most of all... I love never being happy, and I'm happy not being happy. El Fin Current Mood: bloody tears Current Music: Lacuna Coil - To Myself I Turned (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
2:23 pm	HA! So let's have a breakdown of the summer so I see what I've accomplished, if anything at all. I've learned this summer that as much as I thought I had progressed, I really haven't THAT much. I guess I'll look at it, as an unfinished "crusade", but it's always a shitload of fun to explore yourself. For me, it means lots of drinking, going out, and meeting people, and I haven't done that for a long time, but I started again. Whether or not the meeting of the people is for fun or friends or more, doesn't matter, isn't important, I just need to see what I, JAX, need out of life... WHO I need out of life... I'm not stressed over any of it though, I'm getting to go out again, fuck working so much, they don't appreciate it, and as soon as I'm an assistant manager, THEN I'll worry about that shit, but for now, I still don't have any wrinkles or gray hair, I got a good tolerance for drinking, and my boinking drive is back in tact, so I'm not letting ANYTHING go to waste. >8) But I'm not gonna go all crazy or anything, I'm a lil more responsible now with that kinda shit, which is good, cause all that shit got me into trouble that's kinda stuck in my head for life it feels. I just wish I could selectively block things outta my mind, but then I guess it'd be like forgetting a part of me, eh. Anyways... let's get a rundown of my summer... there's a few people I haven't gotten to hang out with this summer YET, which kinda sucks. I moved outta Lauren's... HALLELUJAH! We don't talk to her anymore, some people just aren't meant to trust, man. That's ok, she was fucking nice to our faces, used us, and talked to us behind our backs. So Joey moved back with her mom and I'm still looking for another apartment. I'm finally getting help with my car but now the car I was gonna get is already sold. But atleast I know I can definitely get one now. Um... I got to go to a few concerts... Lollapalooza, Warped Tour and Fiend Fest. FIEND FEST was the best fucking concert I've been to all year, and next to Danzig and Fear Factory, one of the best I've EVER been to. It was the Misfits, the Damned, the Dickies, Agnostic Front and that's all we got to see, I think that there was only one other band besides them, but I'd never heard of them so it doesn't matter. HOLY CRAP, that was last night, and we drove to New Haven, Connecticut to Toad's Place... it's like a Connecticut CBGB's.... but a hell of a lot nicer, cheaper beer, and cleaner bathrooms. I met a dude there, it felt like old times again. He's not bad looking, 32, and has a 14 year old son who was also in the crowd, He wanted me to stay in Connecticut and he said he'd drive me home. I dunno, but since that shit happened, I'm alot more cautious when it comes to guys I don't know. It's kinda like a good thing that happened in a bad way. Well, we exchanged email addresses, how "modern". I told him I'd hang out with him, but then he started talking how he's looking for a relationship, so HA! I don't know him, I didn't really wanna hear about him wanting a relationship and wanting to get to know me, I just met him, damn. Oh well. My hair is now dyed, it's been. I got ridda the Barbie blonde, bleached it again, and now it was SUPPOSED to be burgundy, but I kinda didn't take into consideration that my hair was bleached. I thought it was gonna come out the same color as when it was brown, just last longer, yeah I'm brilliant. But now it's kinda bright burgundy, magenta-ish. The whole fucking thing, yahoo. I like it, I feel atleast a lil more like myself than with the blonde. My mom's boyfriend went from jail to a mental institute, wow he's accomplishing alot with his life. I'm trying to get her outta the apartment so that I can take it over. If I'm lucky she'll have a blind date with a serial killer. I found an injured crow with Andre and Faye the other day, ran into a mad scientist, and then found an injured dog the next day on my way home from work. I got Jen and Amadeo to pick it up and bring it to Andre's house cause he was the only one who could take it. It's there now and I talked to Howie and he said Animal Haven is good, and I'm just gonna make sure they don't put it to sleep cause she's a beautiful dog,and she's so friendly, she followed me and just wanted to be hugged ... awww. So that's what I'm doing today. I need to drink more this summer. Injured animals, shrooms, drinking, dudes, concerts, and some other shit I forget right now... that's my summer... still no vacation. If I get like 2 more people hired, I should be able to take vacation same time as Faye so that we can all go away in October or something. She wants to go to Mardi Gras, I told her only if she REALLY is gonna "earn beads", being that she's a prude and all ;p. I also learned something else this summer... people are evil. I kinda already knew that, it just renewed my faith in it, that's all. I also think everyone should call me master >8) hehe. ps, i like beating up my staff at work, it helps you get rid of your anger from customers. the dudes at work are such pussies, they try acting all tough and shit, and all it takes is a little slapping around and they're there saying "please don't hurt me", i like seeing them cower, the little shits, but some of them are cool shits, so it's ok. ... also, I dunno why, but it feels like, the more happier I get, the more depressed I get. I dunno what that's all about. bah ... BEER! Current Mood: energetic Current Music: Misfits - Some Kind Of Hate; Jack Off Jill - Nazi Halo (Comment on this)
Friday, August 15th, 2003
8:58 pm	What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch Your LJ username Your real name Your sex Your age Your last words will be... "sex?!!?" Created with quill18's MemeGen! What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch Your LJ username Your real name Your sex Your age Your last words will be... "who spilt my beer?!" Created with quill18's MemeGen! I tried it two ways... BOTH would be understandable last words for me >8) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
10:23 pm	insight.... Kris introduced me to the much talked about "Spider". Not bad, reminds me of a past fling. But no one I would go for. Especially now, especially after discovering and thinking about all that fell into my lap. It's just sitting there, wallowing on my lap and all around inside my head. It's as if it's a little worm wiggling around trying to find the deep earth to sink into. And all this from a picture. After Lou moved to Seattle, at that point, I had already thought him to be something better than myself. I knew right then he was destined for things, greater and more fulfilling than me , things that would be offered to him beyond my capabilities. And that would be the same point, where I let go of him, for his sake, not for mine. That was a first and only. I've always worried more about how I would or wouldn't benefit being with the person, emotionally wise. Anyways, he sent me a picture of him and his girlfriend, and graduation nonetheless. And I sat down and looked at his face, and how he never had anything to hide. How he was so honest and brilliant. He finished high school, had friends, hobbies, fun, a sister, both parents, a family dog. His life went according to "the book". It was normal AND fulfilling to him. THe weirdest point in his life which he coulda done without, was me. I was the poison in his iced tea with a twist of lemon... the poisoned cubes that melted in with his non - alcoholic beverage and corroted it. And that's what I've done with every semi-sane boyfriend of mine. Jon doesn't count, he was self destructive, no offense. It's not really as though I wished I was the one who got to stand next to him in that picture of their graduation, it's just that it made me think about my life... and all the people involved in it. They looked so perfect together... not only that, but I saw their whole lived flash before me in that one instant, that one glimpse. It was so normal it made me cry.... cry for the world I thought I lived in, the person I thought I was, the life I thought I led. Nothing seemed SO bad, nothing seemed so bad till I saw them both, graduating together, with those picture perfect smiles... not overly excited yet not drab at all. Just..."normal". I used to look down at all that simple, normal crap. But is it really so bad? They're both individuals, creative, smart, funny... but... normal... There's nothing tragic, deranged, or addictive about them. They stayed on certain paths, and turned out not so bad. In the meantime... everyone else I know including myself wandered from every path we found to go wallow in the grass and throw ourselves into the marshes. We chose to get lost in the wilderness, we didn't want to find our ways home... so we haven't. I've never really had the pleasure of knowing someone from my past was actually doing alright. Everyone has tragic stories. Lou was the first one whom I've spoken to who's turned out alright... his life is set. He's going to get married, have a house, car, kids, family dog... job, happiness, friends...everything... he's going to have everything you need to survive... real love, real happiness, and real peace of mind. It's almost disturbing. Well, I wouldn't know which one disturbed me more...how good and content his life turned out, or the fact that EVERYONE'S lives could be like that, if we even gave half a damn or put in half an effort as he did. I'm really happy for him and his gf, and I've never known anyone to come out with a happy ending. It's kinda weird... It's made me think..ALOT... not to mention the fact that I feel like a loser next to him. I truly don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to keep moving forward, but it feels like I'm going in circles. I don't know what to look for out of people or myself. All I know is I'm stuck in a dead end job, and I'm good at nothing other than contemplating and drinking. I don't want a fucking "leave it to beaver" lifestyle AT ALL. I just want to take comfort in someone who I've bonded with. I can do that with the close friend(s) I've incorporated, but for some reason it's nearly impossible to do with someone with other intentions than just being friends. Am I to be fulfilled by my friends, and just to "have fun" with the opposing sex? I guess that's when I know I've found someone "real". Their looks don't have to match what I THOUGHT I wanted... THEY don't have to be what I THOUGHT I wanted... They just have to be able to talk to me intellectually, they have to be able to bind with me; for the fact that we could keep a REAL DISCUSSION going for over a half hour is proof enough that we can talk... I mean REALLY talk... Someone who's not afraid to say it all, and THEN some. Someone who isn't wholesome, knows I'm not, and wouldn't have it any other way... who'd be happy with the way we are, and not trying to fix anything, not looking at our lives in shame, but looking at them just knowing that our lives have intertwined, and content enough with that. I've realized Lou has a modern day fairy tale... and that's good for him, REALLY good... I can't have that, I'm not that person... I just don't want to keep "polluting" people. I don't want to be looked at as a problem, a burden, or even just weird. I want to be looked at as the solution, or atleast a part of it. I want to be appreciated by someone other than my friends... for christ's sake... I want someone to play a Danzig song for me, as weird as that sounds, but it's true, it kinda feels like I "live" music. Ok, well, now that I'm nice and deep in thought, I'm gonna go write and listen to Danzig's "Less Than Zero".... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Korn-Blind; Danzig-Dirty Black Summer,LongWayBackFromHell (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 23rd, 2003
12:37 pm	I'm finding it especially hard to read myself anymore. Every so often I'll size myself up to see exactly where I stand in life, in this world, in everyone. Lately though, I feel as though I'm partof nothing, for once I actually feel like a great big ball of nothing. Everything I say seems so meager, so unimportant. Everything I do seems so pointless and useless. I guess this is what someone would call 'depressed'. The thing is that, it's not that anything is going wrong at this particular time, it's just that, I don't know whether or not to be content about what is happening. It's as if all my common sense has filtrated through my pores and all I'm left with is empty ideas and empty feelings. I know what I want, but since I don't have it at this immediate moment, I guess I make myself feel that whatever I get along the way will do for now. That's the part I don'/t know how to feel about. Usually at this point, you'd find me at the bar drinking away this confusion, or shrooming it away. But I think I need to really think about this, and everything else that's been going , but it's more complicate d than it seems. Alas, salvation is pending. The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low Level 2 (Lustful) High Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Extreme Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Very High Level 7 (Violent) Extreme Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) High Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Danzig - Long Way Back From Hell (Comment on this)
Friday, March 14th, 2003
7:55 am	hollow easter bunny ... yup that's exactly how I feel right about now. I guess stuff's been going on recently, but I can't seem to remember any of it since Tuesday night. I've felt and been crushed before, but never hollowed out. I kinda understand how a pumpkin feels when people gut it out with a knife throw it's insides away, and there boom, there it is, the hollow shell of something once living. I didn't know I could ever feel like this. I never thought it would be so goddamn confusing as it is for me right now. All of a sudden, every seeminglyimportant problem or issue I once had, has been replaced with this overcoming feeling of nothingness. I've been having a textbook reaction to the whole thing I guess, but a couple different chapters worth actually. Mostly just been confused though, and replaying the whole thing in my head, every waking minute of the day, which makes me feel like I'm slowly going insane-er. I don't feel hurt, nor really embarrassment, I've just been keeping to myself, walking about blankly, and I'mnot myself anymore. My free spirited personality was ripped from me and I find it hard to regain it. Current Mood: no feelings, no expressions Current Music: Jack Off Jill - Fear Of Dying (Comment on this)
Friday, February 14th, 2003
4:46 pm	Which Donnie Darko character are you? by Shayi (Comment on this)