When Life is a like a toilet

When Life is a like a toilet

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January 31st, 2005

Current Mood:	loved
Time:	12:18 am

I GOT MY OWN CAR! FINALLY! Its gorgeous as well! Its a perfect honda civic and just the gas mileage is wonderful and just i love it! I'm quitting my second job tho, its so annoying. I just hate working there. I'm staying at chuck e cheese's tho...as if thats a surprise.

Although lately with juggling two jobs me and ryan rarely get to spend time together. Sure we get to sleep in the same bed but its so different. I really miss just chilling with him. We love each other so much and life with him is the absolute best. Valentine's day is gonna be super kick ass! Oh, and my patriots are going to the superbowl! YAY! Life is really picking up for me and improving. I'm really happy again and i really think it has to do with my faith is getting better. For awhile there it was sulking but its getting better. I wish i could just be the best person.

Ryan is probaly getting me a build a bear for vday, hehehe. My car was my xmas present from him, try beating that one! Haha! And i've started working out again, started spending my money less, and changed bank accounts and i almost have everything paid off! This is just fantastic! I'm so far doing really good at keeping up with my new years resolutions.

So lets talk about my boo for a bit. He's just the best. All this week i had job interviews to take over my ritzys and coffey covered all my shifts for me at work even tho he was doing double shifts. How wonderful is that? He really loves it at ritzys, i think he feels the same way there that i feel at chuck e cheeses. But he gets complimented all the time and the managers love him and i have to admit that he does a fantastic job over there. All the girls have little teeny bopper crushes on him and its so annoying. Haha, the other day he went to buy me a frappacino at starbucks in drive thru and these girls in the suv were in front of him and thought he was hot and paid for MY frappacinno. I guess thats the best part of having a dead sexy boyfriend! hehehe! I owe this kid the world, he is just too good to me. I trust him completely and we both just love each other so much. We can go through anything together and still come out loving each other a million times more. Its just really crazy because i feel so strong with him and i can actually feel him feeling the same way back...does that make any sense? Like i can say HE LOVES ME b/c i strongly know it. And anybody could try to do anything but we are so strong together that we can get through it. Even those ridiculous immature emails daniel sent us...we just laughed b/c nothing can come between us. We just have this connection and i cant really explain it, but i know that i will feel this way about him forever. He always makes me laugh, i never find him ugly, he makes me incredibly happy, he takes so good care of me, and just...hes perfect for me. He drives me insane but still brings me sane...and thats my FAVORITE thing about him. He is totally, 100 % meant for me....I've never felt so right before in my life....

Ryan, you are my absolute everything...i love you

The definition of incredible is found in you...

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January 23rd, 2005

Subject:	dead beat
Time:	12:05 am

Finally an update! Life has just been the absolute craziest lately! I have so much to do and honestly, so little time. Me and coffey almost got back on track with all our money problems then bam our roader splits in half and all this other junk that cost 537 bucks! Life just sucks when it comes to money. We had no choice to pay it and the person we are borrowing it from is now mad that we wont pay them even tho we spent all this money to fix THEIR truck. Bastards! So we are going to a car place on monday that said we were approved.

Me and coffey are groovy! He actually started introducing me as his fiance now which in a way is kinda cool. We applied for a car as fiances. heh! But marriage is seriously nowhere near in our future but we know we are gonna do it someday. We are actually moving to Florida next year, which i find really exciting. Away from so many hard memories here and a way to start new ones over there. I admit itll be tough but life is tough already. I can't wait to be in complete happiness with my boo in florida. We have also finally decided to get our own apt in april. So another big step. We really care about each other, so this is definitely gonna last for a super long time!

I have two jobs, CEC (chuck e chese) and ritzys. Both are really hectic and pay good. I get paid ten cents more at ritzys and i plan on getting paid more there. Its cool cuz i get paid on opposite weeks at each place so i always have money now, its awesome! Although almost everyday i work 10-4 at ritzys and 4 to close at cec. Yea, really killing me. I need like a weeks vacation! But i close everyday at cec except sat and sun and at ritzys im off sundays and close sat. Which suck the most cuz sat i open at cec! So 9 am to 4 then 5 to close at ritzys...i never get a break in life! HAH! But luckily i always get sundays off, yipee! The only sucky thing is me and coffey hardly have time for anything. So on sundays we visit fam and clean or something. My whole body is worn out!

Skuttle is doing good, shes the most awesome cat in the world. I'm so in love with this kitty. Shes awesome! Well, thats life! I love boo more than anything in the whole wide world!

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January 4th, 2005

December 22nd, 2004

Current Mood:	loved
Subject:	Boo survey!
Time:	11:16 am

What is your name? MARIE
What is your boy/girl friend's name? BOO AKA RYAN COFFEY!
What is their eye color? BLUE!
Height? 6'1
Hair color? I dyed it so right now its bergundy brown
Weight? he weighs about 156
Favorite music? classic rock
Band? the doors and nirvana
Thing about you? he likes my butt, i dont know cuz its humoungous!
Movie? he doesnt like just one, he likes a million of em! hes obsessed with movies!
Book? jurassic park, just like me!
Food? hot dogs with ketchup only or classic cheeseburger from wendys ketchup only with two orders of nuggets with bbq sauce
Thing to do? sit back and watch movies
How often do you see them? all the time, i live with him
How often do you talk to them? all the time unless one of us is working and the other isnt
What about them turns you on? his whole face, hes gorgeous. and sometimes just the way he wears his clothes, he looks so good!
Why do you like them so much? he really cares about me and he takes wonderful care of me...im spoiled! hehe
How long have you two been going out? going on 10 months
Have you gotten caught doing anything? everyone pretty much knows what we do, hehe
Like what? everything almost
What made you decide you liked them? we spent so much time together, had so much fun together...i always was attracted to him, we were best friends.
Do your friends find them attractive? all of them wants his nuts, but hes mine! muah hahahaha!
Do you? hell yea!
Do they find you attractive? yes, if i call myself ugly he slaps my butt
What was the last thing you did with them? took him to work
When was the last time you saw them? when i took him to work at 10
What was the last thing you ate with them? um, last night on my break we ate a ham and cheese sub together
Do you think you will be the one to end the relationship or them? we dont talk about that stuff...we are living in the now
Explain.
Have you ever hurt them physically? well there was this one time we were wrestling and he held my legs down and i moved them and my knee went into his eye. and then we were throwing pizza dough at each other at work, and i smacked one in his eye.
Emotionally? for the whole second we broke up forever ago...we ended up not breaking up, heh.
What's your favorite thing to do with them? just lay together on the bed when we wake up. its so good to just have them hold you close.
Do your friends like them? everyone likes coffey. theres no way you cant not like him, hes so nice.
Do your friends like the idea of you guys together? yup. coffey and i rock! hehe!
Are you gay/straight/bi? straight
What made you decide this sexuality? the fact that i preferred cock over pussy. hahaha!
Have you kissed them yet? well duh
How many times? over a million
Do you enjoy it? i knew from the moment i first kissed him he was the one for me...his kisses will melt you away and they are incredible.
Have you given them a hug? everyday
How many? over a billion
Have you been to their room? i live in his room
What did you do in there? um...
Have you met their parents? yes
Do you like them? to an extent. i havent met his dad yet, hes in florida
Do they like you? his mom is weird...she likes me one day then i dunno
Has your boy/girl friend met you parents? yes
Do they like them? a lot
Do your parents like your boy/girl friend? its like hes part of the fam
Would you change anything about them? absolutely not
Are they your first boy/girl friend? haha
Would you die for them? in the life or death situation prob
Are they the same religion as you? haha religion
Do you two have a lot in common? sometimes yes, but theres also a lot we dont have in common
What do you like best about their appearance? his eyes
When is the next time you will see them? at 4 pm
How much do you really like them? i love him
How long will you two be together? forever if possible
And finally, are they important enough that you will remember them forever? i couldnt forget this if i tried!

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December 9th, 2004

Subject:	From things to stuff!
Time:	05:58 pm

Wow...its definitely been awhile. I dont know what i wrote last. But so much has happened. Me and ryan are doing excellent! Everything has just been so spectacular and just wow. I am so amazed to see how much we have improved. We really love each other, we really do. We have gotten to the point where if we fight (which now has actually been VERY rare, big round of applause) he or i will say (whoever the finger is being pointed at) will say "do you love me?" "yes" "then is it worth staying mad at." And then we are all better. But yea, im very very happy with how everything is going with ryan. I swear we are the luckiest couple in the world. Everything is so much fun with him. All we do is run around and chase each toher and just be a bunch of goobers. THe other day we were playing football and we were tackling each other onto the bed and he accidentally tackled me to hard cuz i ended up doing a back flip and landing on the table hitting my head, leg, and hand. it hurt bad but it was pretty funny. I love this kid so much! He is the bestest ever!

Family wise...me and my mom arent really talking as much. We ended up getting in a huge fight ON my bday, which explains my lack of updates. Then my gma got put in the hospital. Her liver is deterioratingand she was vommiting blood and just its awful what shes going through. There is no cure for her, no way to help her and she basically has at most 6 weeks to live, b/c her liver isnt functioning at all...and what will happen now is either she'll die, her kidneys will fail then she passes away, or she snaps and goes insane. Those are all the side effects no joke. So everything with that has been really stressful. Its really unfair that this happens to her cuz my gma has been through just absolutely everything. My family is actually all talking to each other now, which is a huge change. But thats all going on with that.

With work, i told them i was quitting, they begged me to stay, are giving me and coffey a free 96 nissan sentra, and gave us both 50 cent raises. So i guess they really do need us. heh!

Thats pretty much it. I'm really happy with coffey, and everything else is just so so.

I love Ryan so much!!!!!!!!

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November 21st, 2004

Current Mood:	giggly
Subject:	BIRTHDAY!
Time:	04:44 pm

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Last night i had a lot of fun with my friends as we were steakin and shakin it up! I had a fantastic time! Although my work sucks (i'm officially done with the whole chuck e cheese shit.) and they made me cry in the morning it was all awesome in the night. Today tho, i was looking forward to it so much b/c coffey has been storming up the awesome plans for me for like two weeks. Well we are on our way to dallas (he was taking me to the Dallas Aquarium, which is someplace i really really really wanna go to) and our car breaks down. Thats right...right in the middle of I30 our car just dies. Whats even suckier...this is the second time in one week it has done that. We have put a new starter in a month ago, new battery in on monday...and now we need an alternator. So his awesome plans...didnt get to happen. Yea it sucks, but his gifts are still bad ass! HE got me two movies that i really wanted, and this gorgeous white gold necklace with a heart. I love him so much! With all the stuff lately, we've been fantastic. We hardly fight anymore and just everything with us has gone completely uphill. Its been amazing with him lately. I'm so happy!

So our next struggle is us finding new jobs. I'm actually excited for a change in my work. Wish us luck!

I love you so much ryan! Thank you for helping me through my stressful bday weekend! You are my miracle and angel!

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November 14th, 2004

November 9th, 2004

Current Mood:	thankful
Subject:	Getting through it!
Time:	07:59 pm

I have no clue how i am still sane throughout all of this, but i am. I made it and i know only God could of granted me with this. Let me explain everything that happened to me in three days...that i couldnt of gotten out of.

Three DAYS:
-Check bounced twice, 33 dollars charged twice for overdraft, 30 bucks charged twice for nonsuffcient funds. Equaling up to negative 296 bucks in my account. Sad part, i didnt know about any of this til i went to cash my check!
-Had 195 due for rent
-Could only pay part of rent and didnt have the last 84 bucks (between me and ryan) to pay it...so we got a 25 bucks late fee added to the 84 bucks, up to $109
-Car broke down, cost 185 to repair
-Coffey had to pay his ticket or else he was going to jail...186 bucks!
-Me and Ryan were going through a really rough time!

So all that in three days was ENOUGH for me! So how did everything work out?

-I had no choice to pay it or else it would keep adding up...so i had 140 bucks left.
-Me and coffey could on scrape up enough for rent and save for the car, so we paid 300 dollars for rent...only 84 left to pay.
-Michelle lent me out of nowhere 60 bucks, me and ryan had 40...we got to 100 bucks to pay for the car, so my mom paid for the rest.
-Missy lent me 84 bucks to pay for rent.
-Mom paid us 25 bucks for cleaning her kitchen, so bingo, 109 for rent.
-A great kid made a shitload of tips at work, heard about my problems and gave me and coffey 40 bucks to make it til payday.
-Coffeys mom paid the ticket off.

So you know what...God is there. I prayed to get us out of this mess and here we are. We have 20 bucks left til friday, and we are good! We worked all of our emotional problems between us and just wow. Everything that was falling apart, fell back in place. Im so lucky, you have no clue.

I love ryan so much. He just cracks me up. He brings out a me i never really knew i had. He finally got promoted to team leader at work and guess what! i got promoted too. I'm gonna be a master trainer and then before march, im a manager. That is awesome! Me and coffey have spent some really great times together these past couple of days and it really made up for the hell we have been going through.

I hope everything continues to go good for us. I dont want us to end anytime soon. These next couple of months are gonna be even more of a test for us b/c our roomate is moving out. He knocked up his g/f so hes moving to arizona with her....so coffey and i are gonna try it. Lets hope it all works! Hehe! I really love him unconditionally. I dont think i could afford to go through another heartbreak...especially with him.

Ryan...these past few weeks or maybe even month of october have been really hard but i want you to know that i believe it will only make us stronger. I realized how much i really do love you b/c every time the thought of just giving up or staying at my moms, i still stayed with you. I couldnt handle the thought of not being with you or not being able to lay in your arms and wake up to you everyday. That was my fave thing about you when we started going out, you'd come over in the mornings really early, sleep til your class started and then id take you to school, or even on the weekends wed try really hard to sleepover at each others houses. Its still my favorite thing now. When i lay in your arms i forget about everything that goes on in the world and im just so safe with you. I know ive been a wreck lately and that i seemed kinda hopeless but you pulled me through it. I honestly dont think i could of ever done this without you. You stayed strong for me when i was at my weakest and that means so much to me. Once again you were there for me when i needed you. I'll always be able to count on you. You mean absolutely everything to me...and i hope i do to you. I wish that everyday for the rest of my life i could wake up next to you, in your arms. Because that is the definition of happiness to me. :-D I dont need anything but you...you are my one and only. I love you boo!

I have found where i belong....in your arms...

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October 28th, 2004

Current Music:	o.c. supertones
Current Mood:	calm
Subject:	are things gonna start looking up?
Time:	02:09 pm

well, life is...life. Me and ryan have NOT been at our best. A lot of downhill bumps ill say that. I've felt really lonely lately. Like in real need of a friend. And God works in wonderous ways b/c one night, when me and ryan got in a huge fight....just to see who cared enough (it was 4 am) i text messaged like 5 people on my cell to who would actually be caring enough to care about how i felt. Only two people responded. Laura and Adam. And let me just say, since they've responded, they've been there for me in so many ways. Laura and i are talking more, so i really hope our friendship can only go stronger. Me and laura have always been friends tho...we go way back! I love that girl....sometimes she is cooky, but shes great.

And adam, me and him have gotten a lot closer. He calls me for no reason now, and he says he wants us to be better friends cuz he doesnt have real friends like me. So we've hung out some and hes just awesome. I could say hes my best friend! I love adam! hehe!

I went to dicks last resort. such a me restaurant. i had a fabulous time. For those that dont know what it is, its an adult content restaurant where your waiter has to be as rude as possible to you. They made an animal balloon into a cock, put whip cream on the tip and made me such it off, it was great! I had a blast.

Halloween, the best damn holiday ever, is sunday! I'm so excited to go trick or treating! Oh and you know what else...my birthday is coming up! I want so many things! I cant wait.....and i might be able to go anywhere in the u.s. that i want for FREE! Yipee!!!!!!

Thats my update for now...lets hope things look up for me and ryan...cuz we need it!

i love you ryan....

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October 13th, 2004

Current Mood:	hopeful
Subject:	start from scratch!
Time:	04:30 pm

Heh, i've decided i want to change. I've been praying a lot for God to help guide me through all this. I want to be a better person and i know i can only do it if i ask for God's help. I've noticed that when i started lacking my faith again, i changed. I dont want to be that person.

Things i plan on changing...
-Work on my patience. Yes will be a tough one, considering i have no patience and ive never worked on it before.

-Learn to control my temper. For those that dont know me, i have one of the shortest tempers ever. I think im gonna have to go buy some self help books for this one, b/c i really dont know how im gonna do this. But i can count on Him, to help me find a way. Today i did good, i found out cuz of ryan im negative 100 bucks in my account. Lets just say he didnt listen to me when i asked him to take money out and i got charged big time. But instead of flipping out, i just calmy, and i really mean calmly, said this is what happens when you dont listen to me. I now have to pay 100 bucks b/c you chose not to listen to me. And i left it at that. He apologized sure, but damn it sucks.

-Handle my money better. Dude i get like 500 bucks on each paycheck and i cant even begin to tell you where it goes. I spend my money so unwisely that five days before pay day im low on gas and completely broke. I dont know!

-I want to care more about others and less about myself. Start taking care of strangers, listening to other people instead of always waiting for them to shut up so i can tell my story. Yea, i definietely want to start caring more for others, including strangers.

Theres a couple personal things i want to change but those are the biggest ones. I've bought a lot of teen guideline books about God recently. Pretty much have finished them and i want more. I've also thought about going to counseling you know. A Christian counselor or something. I just cant seem to get over the shit that has happened in my past and quit being so angry about it.

Oh and im gonna go back to church. I'm trying Fellowship, which is across the street from chuck e cheese. I've heard a lot of great things about it, so im gonna try it out. One of my co workers go there and they said they'd be happy to take me. So im gonna try it out. I really wanna find my place again in religion. I want to be a better person!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference.

That has to be my absolute favorite prayer! I love it so much!!!!!

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October 6th, 2004

Current Music:	dare you to move, the best song ever!
Current Mood:	happy
Subject:	I hate peaches!
Time:	01:54 pm

Haha, coffey tried surprising me with peach tea b/c i gave up sodas for a month, but i hate peaches. I told him i'd drink it anyway (i havent yet, hehe) but its the thought that counts right?

I havent updated in awhile, ive been so damn busy with work. I have great news tho. All my work is about to pay off. Our O.C. is leaving (open coordinator, next to asst manager) and andrew is becoming the new o.c. but they are looking into getting a second one as well, and guess who it is??!?!? ME!!! Thats right! I'm so excited! I'm the only one that knows, but they are working on getting me trained on everything, even tho i know how to work every area, they have to train me so i can train others on it. Its so awesome! I'm so excited! Yea, so i should be stepping up anytime within the next six months. I was also thinking about quitting cuz i need more money, but you can always count on God to surprise you with something.

I started getting into writing again. I used to write stories a lot but stopped for a couple years, but im doing it again. Well, i was gonna write a little fictional thing based on me and daniel going into me and ryan. And i started it with finding the note he wrote to steph in april, and like i tried making him look like the person i really thought he was back then. But like when i wrote the story, it was hard. Cuz like my complete opinion on daniel has changed since then and i havent really thought about my relationship with him at all for awhile so when i was trying to remember how it was, i just got angry again. Could be cuz im pmsing. But i ended up ripping out the pages and not writing it anymore. I guess i'll always have that scar from what happened with us. So now i dont know what to write about. Any ideas????

I've got really into thinking about my faith. I know lately i've fallen away from it all...which really disappoints me. But i talked to my friend terry about going to fellowship with her sometime soon and i really want to get into it. I started listening to all my christian music again, which feels so good. I remember just always feeling so happy when i would sing along to the songs cuz i meant it and i just felt so much better. Yea, i have a lot of memories singing those songs, so it makes me real happy again to be listening to it again. I got back into praying more and just, lets hope i can find a church that i feel a part of. That would be so awesome! But you know what is even cooler about my decisions of cleaning up my life. I was telling coffey how i felt about all of this and he just said "I'm happy for you babe. And you know, if you find a church you really like, i want to go, cuz i want to be there for you and hopefully feel how you feel." That was the best thing to hear! I mean wow, sometimes ryan knows exactly the right things to say to me. He is incredible.

I dyed my hair again. I dyed it dark brown, but for some reason it went straight to being blonde again, which really pissed me off. I'm not kidding, only four days had gone by since i dyed it that it went back to blonde. I was getting mad cuz ive been trying to get rid of that blonde color...so i waited a week and dyed it again. Its now this really awesome color called sable cove and its dark brown and its really rich and i just love it. Coffey says i look like chocolate. Haha! Its getting long, im letting it grow out, finally!

I stopped worrying over the future so much between us b/c i realized i need to start living in the present. I used to sieze the day and i forgot how to do that. So i've gone back to my normal self. I know tho, that in april when our lease is up, we are making a big step. We are getting an apt on our own by work. Yup, big big step. Lets hope we are both making a decent amount by then tho, heh.

Well thats my life. Today is our 7th month. We are going to the dallas aquarium and then...hes taking me ICE SKATING! I've always wanted a guy to do that for me, and here we are. YAY!!!!! I love him so much!

Ryan, you are my one and only, my absolute everything....

..its as if you were completely meant for me..

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September 10th, 2004

September 4th, 2004

Subject:	Everyday i fall more in love....
Time:	07:58 pm

It sucks being so sick, man i keep getting the throw up symptons, like im heaving, but nothing is coming out. I cant eat or else i feel so sick to my stomach and i cant drink or else i think ill vomit. I have a pounding, throbbing, painful headache the whole time, and my ears hurt just as bad. The pain medicine makes me so loopy i cant really take it much. I'm serious, you think im on drugs or really drunk when im on it. I cant walk on my own, eat, drink, or grab anything. I just want to feel better. I'm sick of being sick. I wanna go to work, i wanna go out, i wanna eat! Plus this means im gonna get a wonderful 9 hours on this paycheck for this week. WHOOPEE! If im not better by monday im gonna be so mad. Its me and Ryan's 1/2 year monday. We had all these big plans, and watch i wont be able to do it. He deserves so much right now, hes taken such amazing care of me.

No, really I think in my whole life, only my mom has taken really good care of me while i was sick, but now i have to add coffey too. I mean just wow, hes been so wonderful. He rubs my back when i need to throw up or my stomach hurts, he brings me drinks and food when i need it. He'll make sure i take all my medicine and drink the amount my mom told me to drink. He holds me real tight when im crying cuz it hurts so bad. He fixes my hair so its not in the way. He helps me walk everywhere, he tucks me in, he just spoils me rotton right now. He deserves the world. You know tho, just this whole week more than anything, i've really opened my eyes to him. I think we both know that we are gonna have a future together. Like everything is so incredibly perfect with us, everything just falls into place perfectly. The moving in together worked out perfectly, we have everything we need and even stuff we dont really need. He got to go to el paso with me and meet my family, and everyone loved him! And just, even my dad accepts him and my dad wants ryan in my future. When my dad moved he gave ryan a hug, shook his hand and said "Take care of my daughter, take care of all my daughters." That meant everything to me! My mom can't stop talking about how much care coffey has taken of me since ive been sick. But yea, i know we are gonna make it. Through high or hell water, through thick and thin, all of it. I swear, he is meant for me. My soulmate, and i'm meant for him. Its weird tho, b/c we've already made plan that in a year or so, we are moving somewhere far together. Its scary, b/c ive never wanted to leave this area, but we are going to a college together. There are only like 12 colleges in the U.S. that offer his major. So we will be moving to either San Marcos, CA...Austin, TX...Waco, TX...Providence, RI...Panama City, FL..or Augusta, Maine. Yea some of those are super far but those are our top choices that offer his major. He's worth it, thats all i know, is hes absolutely worth it. Ryan is my everything and my future as well.

I love you ryan...

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September 3rd, 2004

Current Mood:	sick but so happy
Subject:	back from el paso!
Time:	12:46 pm

Oh i wish i didn't have to come back. I had such an awesome time there! Yea i know, i went for a funeral but other than the sad stuff, it was really fun. I had just a fun time and best part was ryan got to go with me! It totally rocked my socks! We got there and we went out with my cousin marco who is a year younger then me (havent seen him in forever and we used to always play together when i did go visit) and he drove us everywhere. We went to the chuck e cheese there b/c i trained the manager so i knew him but he wasnt working that night. So we left and went to chicos tacos. Now those non-el paso people, chicos is like the BEST part of el paso. Its sooooo good and only in EP. So we went there and coffey actually liked them! White people usually hate them but coffey liked them, so it was GREAT! He at first ordered a hot dog, not knowing that a mexican hot dog is so much more different then the normal ones and he just stared at it going "i didnt order a sloppy joe" it was so fucking hilarious! Then we got a bunch of disney movies and had a disney night in marco's room. That was fun.

Day two: We woke up early and went to the funeral service. The pastor was a joke, totally stupid. It ended up feeling more like a sunday bible speech then a funeral ceremony. Everyone was displeased by this guy. He spent more time trying to save people then he did reminiscing over my uncle's death. After he finally shut up everyone got to give speeches about him and that was really emotional. To be quite honest, i didn't really remember much about this guy. But there were his two sons, that choked up everyone. Especially this one who was so angry with my uncle before his death, that he refused to go see him when he was sick. But when he finally did he spent as much time with him as possible. But it wasn't enough and he felt that his father's death was his fault. And just, he pretty much made every single person think and get really choked up, like i think i saw a tear in everyone's eyes including coffey and steve. It was really heart aching. Then the stupid pastor ruined the moment trying to bring people to Christ again. Everyone was upset with this dude man. After that we went to my other great uncle's house and ate food. Then me, coffey, and marco asked if we could borrow the car. We went to go visit my dad but he wasnt home, then we wanted to go to Juarez. ok ok, let me explain. In mexico the drinking age is 18. I'm not a drinking person, but i always promised Ryan that if he went with me to ep, i'd try to take him to Juarez and we would drink. Well, we went to juarez, got lost for about two hours. All we ended up drinking was a few wine coolers b/c we couldnt find any of the bars b/c we ended up in the really bad low poverty part. We ended up getting out of mexico, then going and visiting my dad. Saw him, he looks really happy. I don't remember ever seeing my dad look that happy. It actually made me sad b/c he stayed here til i graduated. He stayed here for me...and i feel partly responsible. I held back his chances to be happy, and i didn't even really make time for him when was here. But i'm really happy for him. He looks really good and just, i can tell he finally feels at home. So we spent some time there. We then went back to chicos, then to chuck e cheese to see if that manager was working and he was!!! He gave us a shitload of tokens, a tour of the store, and we had a blast. We took so many pictures and got 1200 tickets and damn we had fun. The pizza sucked there tho. We went and rented some movies and went to marco's and watched movies and snacked. It was depressing b/c that was our last night. We said our goodbyes to marco cuz he had to go to school the next day. Then we went to bed.

Day three...We woke up and got ready for the airport. THREE main sucky things about this is ONE: We werent supposed to leave til the night or friday morning and i was gonna spend all day with my dad but the only available flights was at noon. TWO: Me and Ryan both didn't wanna leave at all. It made me feel really good that coffey enjoyed himself, he keeps talking about going back, YES! THREE: I havent mentioned this yet, but i was sick the whole trip. Just like the cold kinda sick....but this time i woke up with a sharp pain my stomach like i was nauseated. So the whole morning i kept thinking i was gonna vomit. I threw up water while i was drinking it, but other than that, nothing. I took so much medicine but nothing helped. We get to the airport and our plane was delayed half an hour. Then it was delayed two more hours. I felt so sick that i just wanted to sleep. I slept on the airport chairs and just, i realized how wonderful ryan is to me cuz he took such good care of me. The plane didnt arrive til 330, it was supposed to leave at 1245. So we got on first class, WOO! Coffey tucked me in with two blankets cuz i felt so shitty and cold. He rubbed my back til i fell asleep and just, he was so good to me. We finally get home and i still keep trying to throw up cuz i hurt so bad. Then my ears popped really bad on the plane and all night i had sharp pains in my ear. I spent all night crying and laying by the toilet hoping by some miracle it would all come out, but nothing. Coffey ran by the store and picked me up some tylenol pm, he put me to bed and i passed out.

I woke up this morning still feeling shitty. Went to the doctor and im super sick. My ears about to burst so they put me on this pain medication and shes hoping they dont pop open. I'm nauseated b/c of all the mucus when i sniff is going back to my stomach and its getting rejected. So im on three medicines and she doesnt want me going to work but i dunno if i can do that. I called in today, but hmm i dont know. I really dont feel good at all tho.

I finally got to see my kitty too! I missed my baby girl all week! She was very happy to see us as well! But the main point is, i had a great time in el paso with ryan, and he means everything to me. Theres not a doubt in my mind now that i'm not going to be with him in my future. I really needed this vacation b/c ive been so stressed with work and just everything. I think that is why i got sick. This was absolutely wonderful. Ryan is my miracle.

Thank you ryan for making everything so wonderful in my life!

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August 31st, 2004

August 15th, 2004

Subject:	kinda neat.
Time:	06:41 pm

BOLD THE ONES THAT YOU AGREE WITH!

01. I love looking at the moon.
02. I'm single.
03. I'm nonsensical.
04. When I'm by myself, I often scream/sing/talk in crazy voices.
05. I wish I could go to school just for fun.
06. When I'm in the shower, I form possible thesis statements for future papers.
07. I hate when people type in all caps online.
08. I wish I could be an artist.
09. I try not to cry in front of people.
10. I have one younger sister.
11. I haven't had a good conversation on AIM in years. 12. I like people who make me laugh.
13. I strive to be a vegetarian.
14. I miss Herr Lelko.
15. I am addicted to reading.
16. I think dorky boys are hot.
17. I know how to do the Macarena.
18. I adore Charlotte Perkins Gilman.
19. Sarcasm is my friend.
20. I want to try opium.
21. I want to travel more.
22. Sometimes I understand math...sometimes I don't.
23. I have a great relationship with my mom.
24. I've never done a list like this.
25. I procrastinate.
26. I like thrift stores.
27. I love sleeping naked.
28. I'm a weird person.
29. I wish I spent more time with my friends.
30. I want to accomplish more of the goals I've set for myself.
31. I love new bed sheets.
32. I write terribly boring livejournals. people tell me they like reading it..
33. I wish I had a job I loved.
34. I need to work out more.
35. I love waking up early and going to bed late.
36. When I die, I want to buried on the moon.
37. I'd also like to finish school too.
38. I would love to run my own restaurant.
39. My parents are married.
40. I love making people happy.
41. I need to stand in front of the Great Pyramids before I die.
42. I want to study overseas.
43. I don't mind getting shots.
44. I like to sleep.
45. If George W. Bush is elected president in 2004, I don't think I will be able to handle it.
46. I feel as though few people understand me. (if any besides coffey)
47. I spend too much time thinking.
48. I wish I had people to dance with.
49. I often feel like a clueless, naive person.
50. I'm insane.
51. I sleep in the fetal position.
52. I've never had a job at Target.
53. I want to own an apartment in NYC.
54. I love having people read to me.
55. I love being in the Flower Club.
56. I want to be cremated.
57. I am not a good musician, but wish I was.
58. I enjoy talking in front of large groups of people.
59. I don't like the President.
60. I've been to Germany.
61. I would like to be a marine biologist.
62. I saw a UFO once.
63. I never wish I could turn my mind off.
64. I love being creative.
65. I would like to be fluent in another language.
66. I love Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
67. I've never told anyone all of my secrets.
68. I hate it when people around me are sad. Makes me sad.
69. One can never have too many picture frames.
70. I sing, but not well.
71. I love the rain.
72. I wish I had better grammar.
73. I wish I owned more pictures.
74. I love WINE.
75. I wish I was a real English Lady.
76. I wish I could paint.
77. I like to read.
78. I can go to a bookstore and be there for hours.
79. I might never get married.
80. I like massages.
81. I hope there is contact between humanity and extraterrestrials before I die. And I hope the extraterrestrials teach us how to be better.
82. Ben and Jerry's ice cream is the best.
83. I think I think too much.
84. I am in love with my friends.
85. I love learning new things.
86. I like to sleep under a bunch of blankets.
87. I love my room.
88. While I've had some close calls, I've never met anyone who really reminds me of me.
89. I wish more people paid attention to the news. And I wish I paid better attention to the news.
90. I was a waitress and it was the worst year of my life.
91. I wish I could live in my own house. (BOO YAH, ALREADY DO!)
92. I wish I was Irish.
93. I wish I could spend my entire life traveling.
94. I like old buildings.
95. I think hating someone based on their gender, ethnicity, or sexual preference is stupid.
96. I love the night sky!!!
97. I'm confident.
98. I have lots of regrets, and never believe people who tell me they have none.
99. I don't want any children.
100. I love my hair.

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When Life is a like a toilet

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